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For six years, I’ve been giving advice to women about understanding men and making healthy choices that lead to successful long-term relationships.
Every month, I get hundreds of questions from around the world. I choose to answer one per week on Monday mornings.
As you can imagine, the questions I choose are not generally ones where the original poster has it all figured out. The questions I choose are inherently ones where the OP has some sort of blind spot that she’s too close to see. If she didn’t have a blind spot, there wouldn’t be very much for me to write about, now would there?
So, if the questions I take are carefully selected to maximize the value of my advice – because validation doesn’t make for interesting reading – it should be somewhat predictable that my answers are often going to challenge the premise of the woman in question.
And if you’ve been reading awhile, you know that these answers fall into largely two broad camps:
1) Dump him
2) Accept him
My advice is ALWAYS going to tell the woman to stay or go. What it’s never going to do is tell the MAN (who did not ask the original question) what HE should be doing differently.
I have never, ever gotten any criticism upon telling a woman to dump a man. I’m not particularly surprised by this, first and foremost, because I think I give sound, logical advice. If a woman is being objectively mistreated, if a woman has spent a year as a booty call and is waiting for a commitment, if a woman is with a man who never wants to have sex with her, etc, the best thing for all parties to do is move along. Comments on these posts tend to be of the “Right on, Evan! Way to tell her to get rid of the bad guy!” variety. I sincerely appreciate the positive feedback and promise to continue helping women identify the bad men in their lives and cut them loose.
It’s the second category of advice upon which I get a considerable amount of blowback in the comments section. This continues to confuse me.
If I tell a woman to accept her man as he is…
Do you think I suddenly forgot how to give good advice?
Do you think I suddenly became a clueless, insensitive, misogynist who blindly defends all men?
I would think you’d concede that the reason I’m telling her to accept him is for a more practical reason: It’s the best available advice.
Let’s remember what the mandate of this blog is. I am a very experienced and devoted dater, blogger, coach, and husband who tries to explain why men do what they do and what you can do to better understand and connect with them. As such, my advice is ALWAYS going to tell the woman to stay or go. What it’s never going to do is tell the MAN (who did not ask the original question) what HE should be doing differently.
A question about the boyfriend who never calls will not be answered with “He should call more”.
A question about the guy who only texts will not be answered with “He should prefer the phone”.
A question about the guy who hasn’t proposed in five years will not be answered with “He should want to get married”.
Such answers are nothing more than validation for the original poster. It doesn’t teach her anything. Not about herself. Not about men. It’s not just poor reading, but it’s bad advice as well. As I’ve reiterated for six years on this blog, you have largely two choices with men: accept him or leave him. When he’s a bad guy, I say leave him.
The problem arises when you THINK men are “bad” when they’re NOT bad.
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared.
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