2 years ago a male colleague invited me to sit beside him at a conference dinner. He knew I’m happily married with kids. Yet after a few drinks, he had the audacity to tell me, “Helen, I think you’re beautiful, but I’m just not interested in starting a relationship with you.” I was so flabbergasted, I could only sit there with my mouth open. The thought of starting a relationship, ANY relationship, least of all with HIM, was the last thing on my mind.

To make matters worse, he was judging every other guy at the meeting. He was particularly harsh about a thin, nerdy, sweet guy, insinuating that there was no way this guy could satisfy any woman. I wanted to tell him (but didn’t), “If I were single, I’d rather be with him than with you. Yes he’s nerdy and not at all handsome, but he’s kind, gentlemanly, thoughtful, and a great scientist.”

The point is, yyy, you’re not alone, so don’t take these guys personally. It’s not about you. It’s about a few guys who are full of it; you won’t escape them even after you’re married. It’s also about the fact that men aren’t very good at predicting what women want in them. They think we like certain types and rule out other types, and sometimes they have it completely backwards.

Many guys I know view most women as targets, not relationship possibilities. They do not want to commit because it is not fun. It doesn’t give them that smile when they get home. They have seen Dad go gray and they’ve heard his youth stories, noticing his eyes sparkle again then go gray again when he comes to the marriage part.

The great majority would rather have varied simultaneous, quick, intense, physical affairs than going the long route. There are many reasons for this. We all belive we are perfect and deserve only the best. While the latter might be correct, the former is seldom true for ourselves, much less to an external discerning mind. Remember that there is only one “The ONE”, so what is the poor chap to do meanwhile? No, most won’t quietly sit down at home while “the one” strolls by their driveway. 

There is a hard saying that applies in this case; “Enjoy the incorrect one while you wait for the correct one”.

I haven’t even gotten into the “Men just wanna have bed fun” concept, but belive me it is true in most cases. Some even view it as a sport and keep detailed records -pictures, souvenirs- of “prizes” they’ve won over. Obviously, the moment they have it, the moment the want to pull their little ninja bombs and smoke out of the equation, lest they lose another fresh conqest. This makes them feel alive, smart, cunning. Boosts their egos (we could delve deep into this…) and keeps them occupied. It’s not that they’re evil or anything, it’s just the way many of them are. They don’t consciously mean to hurt you, but at the same time a case can be made women are temporary toys for them. And remember that men LOVE toys, no matter how old they get to be.

This has a rather devastating side-effect: Men break hearts. Men do not think it is neccesary to marry you if they like you. “Like” might be your legs and not your heart, by the way. Most will avoid marriage like the plague, specially if the feel their counterpart is needy or emotionally demanding. Many have discovered that “honeymoon period” and keep jumping from relationship to relationship to always live that strong, perfect romance. They are not looking for Claire or Anne; You could very well be Marie and it won’t matter if it’s new and perfect. The moment the woman starts needing them in a way they can’t or won’t fulfill (remember, it’s fun over everything else) they start going “non-commital”.

Men know about this. Many are ashamed and would like for things to be better for both parts. Some eventually marry. But an ever-larger number avoids women as life partners for many reasons, be it masculine immaturity, our pleasure-oriented culture as well as some aspects of the female psyche that admittedly can make life challenging indeed.

We must come to grips with the fact that men who are willing to commit are scarce, have their -valid or not- reasons for doing so and most will be playing. If you find one that’s really into you for life, analyze if you really want him and if you are OK on him give it all you’ve got. If  you like him, but you feel he won’t walk faster, enjoy the ride if you want, DO NOT get in love and always keep walking. Remain inattached. Nothing’s for granted in this life. I apologize If I was rude and I hope this clears some doubts.

Best of lucks.

…according to research and studies, we don’t see the red flags for the first ninety days….due to infatuation, chemistry, etc…

I read a story once about a boy and his father. The boy was planting an acorn seed with his father and after he planted the seed, he watered the seed. On seeing the worried look on his son’s face, the father told the son not to worry as by summer, the acorn seedling would have grown to his knee length height. The boy turned his face and asked his father, “Your knee or my knee?”

Analytically, according to Ingrid, the relationship can be broken into 2 six week segments. After a six weeks, he bailed, stating by action what perhaps he could/should have said by word.

While Ingrid’s story omits many hard facts, this situation looks like one where Ingrid and boyfriend, met and dated for several (6) weeks. I suspect, but cannot prove, that Ingrid felt they were ‘together’ exclusively during this time. However, the pattern of behavior described by Ingrid (keeping in mind this is only Ingrid’s version) doesn’t paint a picture of a guy enthralled with a new girlfriend.

I suspect that boyfriend did not view the ‘relationship’ as exclusive or with nearly the same importance as did Ingrid. Based upon the time frames and his behavior I suspect boyfriend simply viewed this as a potential exclusive relationship for the first six weeks. It appears that, based upon Ingrid’s story, he decided not to pursue the relationship any further.

Whether his manner of parting ways (make no mistake, not calling backs and turning off his phone is definitely communication) is the best, that is another topic. I offer that Ingrid should have bailed after the 1st unreturned call.

BTW, what I’ve said above applies to both genders equally.

After this six week evaluation period, he basically bailed.

On the negative note, as what downtowngal said, “cut losses.”