Comments on: What To Do When the Guy You’re Seeing Will Not Commit

By: marymary

marymary — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 17:38:35 +0000

Men are perfectly capable of communicating.
If he’s not keen to see you, calling you, taking your calls, returning your calls, making plans for the future (even if it’s just the holidays), helping you out, being consistently kind and respectful he is telling you he is not good boyfriend or husband material. The actual words do not have to come out of his mouth for him to be communicating “I do not want a committed relationship with you.”
My boyfriend does communicate very well, incuding, gasp with words. I never feel that I’m encroaching on him and, if anything, he moved a little bit faster emotionally than me as I am more reserved than him. Sure, not all men are like this. I dated more than my fair share who weren’t. I learned that the time spent trying to turn around the half-hearted/incapable would be better spent looking for a better man. Or rearranging your CD collection.

By: michelle

michelle — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 16:57:53 +0000

It’s about communication, and HOW to communicate, that really makes all the difference. As I understand it, complaining to man about what he’s doing makes him feel like he’s not making us happy, and in this context, his SENSE of freedom is being taken away. A better approach is to focus on the way we feel, “I feel X when you Y, how can resolve that”. I would also say to look really hard at what it is you’re not happy about. That doesn’t mean he gets to lead a life where he doesn’t have the responsibility of a relationship, but I get the feeling he’s not that way. It sounds to me like he’s upset because he wants to be honest , but he knows you get upset, so he’s caught between a rock and a hard place.

I think you have a good strategy, use this time to learn more about yourself, you can never go wrong there! It will either show you how to better to navigate this relationship or to move on with no regrets.

By: Emma

Emma — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 16:07:18 +0000

Hey Michelle,
Thank you for your great comments!
You’re totally right. I’m not going to say that these things apply to ALL men, especially since I’ve been with some of the ‘stage 5 clingers’ myself, but my man is a ‘stereotypical man’ in every single way. He is tall and quite hairy and very driven by testosterone! He is not soppy, he’s useless at communicating his feelings (especially over the phone) and he views our time apart completely different from the way I do. As for freedom, if I complain about his plans to go somewhere or do something, we’ll argue for a little while and then let it go and I’ll forget about it- but he seems to remember every time I’ve made a fuss about this kind of thing and recently exploded about it! He feels anxious about telling me his plans/invitations he’s received and is always annoyed about my reaction when he does. He definitely comes across as a man that loves the complete freedom of a single life, but is most happy when he’s in a monogamous relationship. I am trying to give him as much space and freedom as he needs right now. If either of us are unhappy after that, I will try to be okay with letting him go.

By: michelle

michelle — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 15:43:41 +0000

Emma, great job in looking inward to see what your actions are really ‘saying’.

This the thing, there are some things that are universal for men and universal for women (and any perceived or actual exception does not disprove the universals):
-Men are not great communicators, PERIOD.
-Men LOVE their space and ‘freedom’
-Men move at a slower pace than women do, so we need lots of patience (maybe this is to prepare us to be mothers because mothers need a lot of patience too

If you can absorb these, accept them, and chuckle about them when they irritate you, you will be much better off. Why get mad at someone for something they can’t control. If he’s proactive contacting you, including you in his life, moving things forward and doing his best to make you happy with his actions, then that is a GREAT guy, a keeper (and of course, you’re crazy about him).

Finally, Men are NOT, NOT, NOT women just with more hair, hahahaha.

By: Emma

Emma — Sun, 14 Apr 2013 21:21:44 +0000

Damn it! Such a simple message. Why is it so hard for us to accept it? Even just sitting here, reading this, I completely agreed with everything you’ve said Evan, but it’s almost as if I don’t WANT to believe it.
My boyfriend is getting pissed off at me texting him all the time and says I’m doing it for attention and it’s excessive. I beg to differ and say I’m just keeping up communication, being friendly, making conversation, yada yada…when really, if I’m being brutally honest with myself?
I’m checking to see that he’s still there and still interested. NOT healthy!
I should leave it and see if he contacts me. Which he always does, EVENTUALLY, it just takes him a lot longer than it takes me. Then again I text everyone all day…I text my friends pretty much as much as I text him. I don’t think he generally sends out texts unless it’s important.
I guess I’m scared that if he doesn’t bother with me…then that shows me he’s not that into me and that’s REALLY scary because that means that I should probably leave him. Inconveniently, I love this man more than anything and we’ve broken up before, 6 months ago and I missed him so much. I even got a new boyfriend but it didn’t feel right and I was still dreaming about him and talking to him all the time.
Anyway I’m getting off track. I know people will say ‘if he really doesn’t care then you’re better off without him’ and I suppose that’s true but for me, right now, it’s not an option I even want to consider. He’s an amazing boyfriend when we’re together he’s just lazy with the communication otherwise and LOVE LOVE LOVES his space.

By: 12 yrs on off 58

12 yrs on off 58 — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 01:10:33 +0000

Startingoveragain..I don’t know if it was easier in the “good old days’ or not. Sometimes people had one choice of the person they loved, he got someone pregant, had to marry her then the girl was too old OMG 25 and then married the “family friend” but was not really into him. Maybe she didn’t work, he didn’t want her to and she was bored and didn’t really like being his wife in this closed world. There is no perfect time in history. With options you can take the wrong path and meet the wrong guy and say oh why oh why isn’t like in the movies? Then you haard about women saying that they were stuck in a place with no choices. Most of us are stuck with whatever circumstances we are in at that time like wars or famine or prosperity or whatever and that’s the way ti goes. Some uf are beautiful and intellgent or not, that’s the way it goes. I like Evan’s mirroring, it’s a hard thing to do sometimes I agree but looking back whe I was too shy to call, I actualy had the guys fighting over me although it’s easier when it’s not so contrived, I can see where this calling can make a guy crazy too. On the other hand, as we get older, we have fewer people around our “circle” as people move, kids grow up, parents and friends have passed away, people have issues so we don’t see them whether it be drugs or alcohol, food or OCD we may just have a small circle and the male female relatioshiip becomes more important or more central so it harder to not want to control it. Anyuway, my point is don’t idealize the past, people always figure out away to have problems! We ar never satisfied or few of us are.

By: StartingOverAgain

StartingOverAgain — Sun, 31 Mar 2013 15:23:36 +0000

it really takes two people to make a relationship work today. and if one doesn’t want that commitment, then it is very hard on the person that really wanted it. finding the right person has become as difficult as winning the lottery today, since the times today are so much different than years ago which was much easier. many family and friends would introduce you to the person that you really wanted to meet, and meeting each other today on your own is certainly much more difficult now.

By: hespeler

hespeler — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 19:07:28 +0000

With respect to leading; if a guy has sufficient interest in you he will unequivocally lead. If his leading is wishy washy at times it’s either because he’s not sure how he feels about you or HJNTIY and is keeping you around until he can find another option.

If I were a woman and I was into a guy I would give him some leeway in the very beginning as you still don’t know him and what his other commitments may be. But after maybe 2 months if he really seems bent on keeping the status quo then you have to ask yourself whether or not he’s really into you.

These situations come up a lot because often men go with what’s available at the time, even if the first date didn’t produce magic sparks. We give it a chance to see if we can get into the girl. Unfortunately, more often than not, we can’t. I know it sounds very cruel I’m just trying to be real. I think for most men we don’t do it to play or waste anyone’s time. We genuinely want to find a big enough spark and have the best intentions but we weren’t that thrilled in the first place.

I’m sure women do this too depending on how many options they have at any given time.

By: starthrower68

starthrower68 — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 17:27:01 +0000

I still maintain that if a guy is really interested and he really wants to be with you, he will make sure you know it and he will lead. If not, I don’t chase.

By: Ala

Ala — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 04:33:48 +0000

I just want to share something with you men! If you are online you need to contact a girl first.. Do not waste time saying you are interested unless you give her a reason to respond back to you. Read what she says online. Send her a note with something you read in her profile that sparks your interest. Tell her why. Ask her about what she writes about. Show her. Take the lead. She will appreciate this and will feel more inclined to write you back.