Comments on: What You SHOULD Be Looking For in a Partner

By: Di

Di — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 14:13:35 +0000

This blonde discussion is very amusing to me because I just started dating a guy who is blond, and I normally don’t like blonds.
In the past, I probably would not have gone out with this guy. On our first date, he was more affectionate than I was comfortable with, but there was something about him I did like. He was a perfect gentleman–chivalrous. I ended up enjoying our second date, although I was nervous about it. We fooled around on the third date, during which I learned that he not only knows how to please me, but is very interested in learning to do it better. He also demonstrated that he can take subtle hints about where the line is without skipping a beat. While I know I’m in the nitpicking stage, I do recognize that I’m damn lucky to be with this guy because he makes me feel good rather than self-conscious. I know from experience that I can fall for a guy who is not my physical ideal, and that those traits I don’t like simply become him, and I will love those parts because they are him. I know my weaknesses and what I need from a man, and he can definitely take care of those needs in an a LTR. I’m very interested in seeing where this goes, and I hope it’s somewhere good.
It is definitely worth it to give the not-so-ideal guy a chance, even a second or third chance. Evan is right once again.

By: Jack

Jack — Thu, 31 Jan 2013 08:22:02 +0000

Good grief. Blonde nonsense is ridiculous. As a male in my young twenties I try not to discriminate on my dates based on hair color, ethnicity, etc. Dating is about who you find attractive! Am definitely not your target audience @EMK but enjoy your articles! It’s interesting to read from the ladies’ perspective. Thanks EMK!

By: Lucy

Lucy — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 21:17:27 +0000

@Rochelle – I agree with you. If you have two people who are very alike it can reach some kind of stalemate when times get tough whereas with two different energies, one person gets down and the other picks them up. I think also it has a lot to do with conflict resolution patterns so two people who are conflict-avoidant or vice versa are not the best match for each other.

I’m quite feminine myself and beginning to get frustrated that I attract more feminine men when I want the more masculine men. The quiet guys look at me and think “She is like me. We are definitely a good match” but I tend to only see the guys who are almost my opposite as being psychologically attractive. I know people have looked at this through studying MBTI types etc

By: Rochelle

Rochelle — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 20:46:19 +0000

“You need a complement, not a clone”.
Yep. I dated my clones for years. Fairly recently reflecting on my last relationship and comparing someone else I met who is different from most men I’d date made me realize I don’t want my clone. This particular new guy may not be the one for me since he inconsistent but I see other areas where someone like him who was consistent, would be a great match . My ex and I had very similar personality so we had the same strengths, the same weaknesses, and a ton of the same interests. He was the biggest clone ever. Some of our conversations felt as though I was was speaking to myself, wouldn’t that get boring? I like the saying that goes “If two people in a relationship are too alike, one of you isn’t necessary”.
However, I am a bit different from the “smart, strong, successful” women who are very proactive and take control. I make a decent living and have a masters, yet I do not want to be a CEO, etc. I’m more introverted than extroverted. I enjoy being in a more supportive and nurturing role in my career where I do get to make decisions yet I’m not “the boss”. Many men I’ve dated say they like strong aggressive women. Also after learning that many people mistakenly make the association of being feminine with being a doormat, I thought I was supposed to be more aggressive. So I even asked out and chased after guys, but never seemed to come out right as it felt unnatural. I also confused aggression and assertiveness so I was one of those women who went from being “too nice” to ”too bitchy”.
So I do believe part of the reason I haven’t found the relationship I want is my choices. I was seeking men who were very similar to me rather than my complement. I thought they’d be be able to relate to me better as they would “get how I feel”. I think that’s the reason most of us tend to seek someone who is just like us. I should be dating guys who have a heavier dose of masculine energy and do not have every little thing in common with me.

By: Karl R

Karl R — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 01:20:49 +0000

Kate Candy said: (#23)
“May I echo Sharon #20′s comments about ‘blonde’ used as an adjective in connection with ‘great catch.’ Ditto ‘petite’ which was not used in this blog post, but I’ve seen it in comments from the men on this site as a positive recommendation for a woman (Karl, for example).”

I have to wonder how I ended up in this conversation.

I’m also trying to recall any time when I’ve used the word “petite” except when describing my fiancée. (If you click the link in my name, you can see what my fiancée looks like. She is petite.)

Furthermore, the most frequent positive recommendation I give for a woman (including my fiancée) is “easy to get along with.”

The second longest relationship I ever had was with a woman who outweighed me by about 20 pounds (and she wasn’t anywhere close to my height). Like my fiancée, this woman was also rather easy to get along with. I would recommend her as a partner to anyone who doesn’t mind dating a single mother with kids at home.

Another positive recommendation I use (more often in real life than on this blog) is “fun.”

Blonde or petite? Neither makes a difference in the long run.

Taking offense at the tiniest things … that’s a major turn-off. Nobody is hot enough to compensate for that.

By: Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 23:10:37 +0000

This is ridiculous. I have a brunette wife. I happen to prefer brunettes. Blonde is just one of many possible descriptors, like talking about her career or age. If you want to hold onto that as some form of discrimination, good for you. Your hypersensitivity to a non-issue will continue to impede you in life.

By: Patricia

Patricia — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 21:54:30 +0000

Evan, I know that you are tired of pointless conversations. I haven't read Kate Candy's comment, so I can't say she wasn't aggressive or rude and you weren't right to post your comment in place of hers. But as a brunette, I'm tired of guys always talking about blondes like they're goddesses. I'm trying to be very respectful here, because I love your blog and I know in this case it was just a description of the woman. But look at these made here: ''If you are famous and look like a fat pig or a dork, you'll still get a hot girl (just look at the unattractive male celebrities with the hot blondes).'' - in ''If Men Only Like Hot Women, Where Does That Leave An Average Woman Like Me?'' ''This woman was blonde, thin, beautiful, active, and successful — exactly what every man wants right?'' - in ''And the winner of the Evan Marc Katz Philosophy 101 Writing Conteste is...'' ''Prior to me, he had mostly dated blonde women.'' - in ''How Do You Know He Loves More Tha Your Looks?'' ''Men are attracted to women who have big eyes, small chin, blonde hair, clear skin, rosy cheeks, bright eyes. These appear to be characteristics of children.'' - in ''Are The People That You Want To Meet Online More Physically Attractive Than You Are?'' ''I was once a small breasted brunette and just had to live with it.'' - in ''If You Are Short, Fat, Older or an Asian Men, You Must Read This. But Especially If You're Short.'' ''So obviously most Asian, African American and a hell of a lot of Caucasian Brunette women aren't my type. I don't consider that an insult to any of them.'' - in ''If I'm A Great Woman, Why Haven't I Met Anyone Else Great?'' (and, well, in case you're wondering, yes I take it as an insult.) And so on... So, as a brunette, I get her pain. You were not discriminating, I'm sure, but you ended up doing just that. And things like these is what has kept me from dating. I'm 20 and never had a boyfriend,never even kissed a guy because things like these have ruined my self-esteem and I don't know if I'll ever find anyone or be happy...

By: Kurt

Kurt — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 13:04:58 +0000

I don’t know many men who want an “opinionated” woman! When I hear a woman described as “opinionated,” I immediately assume that she is a controlling, self-centered, in-your-face, bitch! I have met too many women who were like this and it isn’t attractive. The last thing I am looking for is a woman who is going to argue and complain most of the time.

By: Hope

Hope — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 02:09:50 +0000

This is my first post after reading “Why He Disappeared” and following your blog for a few months now. I’m a free-spirited, romantic, artistic type and years of trying to date my “clone” has resulted in a lot of disappointment. I’ve been on Match since the summer but I still fall into the pattern of choosing guys who fit in with one or another of my lifestyle fantasies (I’ve dated every type of attractive, emotionally unavailable man there is….rock star, male fashion model, artist, a couple filmmakers, a couple aristocratic French men….). It’s made for some stories to entertain my friends with, but I still end up lonely. So much for fantasies.
Thanks in part to this kind of advice, Evan, I am going to give a chance to a guy from Match who is NOT my clone. He owns a home in New Jersey, drives a pickup truck, is built like a linebacker, works for a brewery, is NOT any kind of sophisticate and doesn’t fulfill any of my fantasies about moving to Paris or making the society pages in the Times….. but he happens to think I’m incredibly awesome, calls every day to say hello, and has even offered to teach me to drive ; ) None of which is a guarantee things will work out between us, but I sure do like the way HE makes me feel, as opposed to always feeling inadequate and worried in between dates with those other guys.

By: Kate Candy

Kate Candy — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 13:36:34 +0000

This has been put up in place of Kate Candy's post: I will continue to do this as long as readers willingly misinterpret what I say, criticize me personally instead of focusing on the original post, and generally draw me into lengthy pointless conversations where I'm forced to defend myself, but don't really feel the need to. In this instance, Ms. Candy wants to insist that "blonde" is a compliment, not a descriptor and that, somehow, by association, I'm discriminating against brunettes. She also insults me personally. You're bright, Kate, but you're a guest in my home and I'm not too happy with your treatment of the host. Good bye.