What You Should Do With a Judgmental Boyfriend. Hint: It Sounds Like Lump Him.
Washington Post advice columnist Carolyn Hax recently answered a reader’s question about her new boyfriend. The reader wrote:
I feel like there are so many things I will never be able to share with him because he would judge me so severely. He continues to bring these instances up, however, as “hurdles” in thinking about my character and our relationship. He asks probing questions about the details, acts very cold and mean to me, and I walk away feeling horrible about myself.
Hax’s advice?
In my opinion, it’s nearly always a better bet to find a new boyfriend than to complain that the current one makes you unhappy.
Break up with him immediately.
Good for her. It’s about time someone else got on the honesty train and gave straightforward, unequivocal advice, instead of providing “relationship coaching” designed to get the reader to assert herself or make her boyfriend into a better communicator. I have a very different philosophy, which is why I refuse to coach women with boyfriends.
My thinking: “If you need to pay a dating coach $5000 to discuss your boyfriend, your relationship can’t be very strong. So why are you trying so hard to preserve something that causes you so much pain?” It’s amazing how few women have thought this through.
I actually had one woman get really angry at me last week when I refused to take her money and offered her free advice about her emotionally withholding alpha male boyfriend. I told her that she may be all anxious about whether he proposes or not, but that she should be cautious if she gets the ring she so desperately covets.
Because now she’ll have an emotionally withholding alpha male HUSBAND and spend the rest of her life walking on eggshells, dealing in silence and wondering where she stands. This made her very angry, of course, and she hung up on me. Such is the price for telling people things that they’d rather not hear.
Check out Jax’s full response here. I think it’s smart and hardhitting.
In my opinion, it’s nearly always a better bet to find a new boyfriend than to complain that the current one makes you unhappy. If he makes you so unhappy, he shouldn’t be your boyfriend. Seems obvious from the outside, but when you’ve invested time and emotion, it becomes particularly hard to cut bait and start over.
Having dating a series of judgmental (but kind) women, I decided in 2005 that this would be the #1 quality I sought in a partner – a woman who accepts me as I am.
As a result, I have an incredible marriage.
And that’s all it took – valuing someone who accepted me instead of criticized me.
You can do the same.
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48 Comments »Filed Under Dating
Julia 1
I had a very judgmental, critical boyfriend for about 2 years. 6 months before I broke up with him, I started to spend money, on a therapist, so I could get to the point where I was comfortable breaking up with him. Its not always easy to just get up and walk away, especially from someone who has taken a huge toll on your self-esteem but you MUST maybe not tomorrow but ASAP.
Heather 2
Evan,
Spot on. You are exactly right. The woman who wrote to Ms. Hax could have been me, two years ago, and I even wonder if this woman is dating my ex-boyfriend, she described him so well! He was extremely judgmental, mean-spirited, cold, always could find fault with MY behavior but heaven forbid that I EVER point out a shortcoming with him, oh heavens no, Mr. Perfect could NEVER be wrong.
I wish I’d dumped him alot sooner than I did, but thankfully I had a few friends who spoke truth, made me open my eyes and see what this guy was doing to me, and supported me when I ended things, finally.
A judgmental, nasty boyfriend is going to be a judgmental, nasty husband. I finally realized, well hold on, I accept people “as is” and it is about damn time that I look for someone who accepts me “as is” as well.
And once I did that, it made weeding out the jerks, alot easier. If I spotted what I thought to be a judgmental profile, I moved right along. If a guy sounded judgmental and too much like he always had to be right, I moved along.
I hope the writer listened to Ms Hax (and you if she reads your blog) and moves on. As the author of “Baggage Reclaim UK” writes, he’s not THAT special.
Anonymous 3
Crying. I spent a year being judged and picked apart by my girlfriend whom I loved deeply. Unfortunately over time her Superiority complex began to emerge. Whenever I didn’t read her mind and anticipate her uncommunicated expectations, she withdrew her love and affection and didn’t speak to me for days. Then when she finally did return my calls, she would tell me I was lucky she was even speaking to me and proceed to lecture me for hours about my imperfections, demeaning me for the way I dressed, and a laundry list of ways that I did not meet her her approval. Everything became an ultimatum. Do this or I won’t love you or want to be with you. Thank God I woke up. This type of person never learned how to love unconditionally. Classic Narcissist. They don’t accept themselves and they will never accept you. Let them go and find someone who can appreciate you and enjoys celebrating your goodness, despite whatever imperfections you may have. You don’t need this person anywhere in your life. Not even as a friend because they will twist the most innocent things into something sinister and they will drain your energy. Wish them well and let them go.
Bill 4
There is obviously something wrong with you if you are constantly settling for emotional satisfaction and are unable to pick and choose the right kind of mate that would propel you to become a better person from a feel good positive standpoint not because you want to appease them.
Fiona 5
I agree fully. The last guy that dumped me was criticising my “party girl” ways just because I like to go out for dinner once a week and catch up for drinks with friends one other night. This hardly makes me a party animal but it seems he prefers the kind of woman who wants to stay in every night of the week and doesn’t have a social life – in other words, he wanted me to change to fit his ideal rather than accept me as I am.
Jane 6
Spot on, Evan. And I think that pertains to men who are hurtful in passive ways: exclusion from his life, behaving like a single man even though he is involved, getting angry and blaming the girlfriend, etc.
Why try to sustain any relationship that brings one pain? Why siign on for more hurt and succumb to the biggest trap ever: but if I do this maybe he will change! NO, no, no!
Heather 7
You nailed it right on the head, Anonymous. My ex boyfriend was very similar, threw tantrums, picked me apart over really innocent stuff, always accused me of “mocking” him or “lecturing” him. It always felt like I was walking on eggshells. Finally, one day, I had just had enough. He sent me numerous text messages and the final one was: “DO NOT contact me again about this issue today. I am in no mood to discuss this since you have such a contrary attitude currently.”
That was it. I saw red. And guess what. I didn’t contact him again that day. Or the next day. I decided, enough. He’s been verbally abusive, has shut me out and disrespected me. I am done. If he wants to repair the relationship, he can contact me. I am done being verbally abused. Because of his past and present anger issues, family and friends told me to stay away, not take his calls any longer. He never really apologized, only made one attempt at contacting me and that was just posting on Facebook about a quote I liked, and he said, “this is for a dear friend who has affected me more than she will ever know.” I ignored it, took him off my Facebook, and moved on with my life.
Some months down the road, I wrote him a letter and I told him, “I wish you no ill, but I WILL NOT TOLERATE your abuse any longer. Please leave me alone, I consider our friendship beyond repair and want no further contact.”
And ever since, I have not tolerated one instance of verbal abuse. I tell people, “You will not speak to me like that ever again.” Nobody should ever put up with verbal abuse.
And I hope that you will continue your journey of recovery. It took awhile for my wounds to heal, but it’s better now, and I’m the wiser for it.
daphne 8
I am always pleased w EMK’s orientation toward finding a good relationship, rather than the far more expensive and usually futile effort to fix one that is hopelessly broken. Bravo for the honesty.
Kathleen 9
Evan When I read about the woman that got angry with you for cautioning her about marrying the withholding dude it reminded me of this quote ..
“Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
Another great article!!
Nadia 10
Evan, you constantly sing your wife’s praises (and God bless you for it) but I suspect that one of the reasons why your wife is so cool is because you give her plenty of reasons to feel safe in your partnership. It’s a whole lot easier to ignore the occasional porn peep show or encourage your man to go out with their buddies when there’s a nice warm and fuzzy feeling of security at its core. It’s not easily come by, either, and I think that’s why so many women–myself included–work so hard to make a lame relationship work. Emotional investment is definitely hard to walk away from.
Mia 11
If this woman has only driven drunk and smoked a blunt ONCE, she’s practically a saint!
Seroiusly, though, where are women even finding men like this? It’s not like I have the best luck with men, but if they are judgmental of me they usually stop asking me out after a couple dates, that’s all. They don’t get in a relationship with me! I struggle to understand how the abuser and the abused end up in such a situation . It’s been my assumption that men are impossibly picky and demand perfection in order to make you their gf, so a scenario where they are with a woman they are critical of confuses me. But yes, on a minor, non-abusive scale, I do run into judgmental men. Still, While having an out of town romance with my friends friend the last week, we were open and accepting of one another and it was so refreshing to be able to talk about how he had a “record” and a DUI and was earnestly trying to turn his life around – I told him about some of my troubles too, and it was like we could accept and like each other bc there was honesty. He’s been kind, consistent and generous with me and it has restored my faith that there are accepting men.
Christina 12
I see far too many people twisting themselves into pretzels, trying to accommodate a demanding and unreasonable partner. Sometimes, the demanding one isn’t necessarily bad, but the fact that they constantly feel the need to judge means that the parties in the relationship are simply incompatible. And some people are just overly critical.
Fortunately, an overly judgmental attitude is usually identified pretty early on. In my experience, if someone is constantly finding fault with others, it’s only a matter of time before you end up in their line of fire as well. In fact, you’ll probably be there more often because you spend more time together.
Evan is right- don’t waste time with people who are clearly dissatisfied with you; find someone who loves you as-is. Part of maturity is realizing that no one is perfect- ourselves included. Finding someone willing to accept your flaws while you are able to accept theirs is the ultimate goal.
Jane 13
Yes, yes, yes! Dump him. I married my judgmental boyfriend. It all got worse from there on out. I could do no right. I wasn’t smart enough, athletic enough, successful enough, not a good enough mother, lover or housekeeper. If I wore a skirt, he said I looked dowdy, If I wore jeans, he said I looked masculine. On and on. One time I just asked him, “if I’m such a mess of a person, what does that say about you that you married me?” And of course in return I got the ultimate gesture of disdain…. he rolled his eyes at me! It took 17 years to extricate myself from his clutches… self esteem hanging by a thread. I still remember many of the ridiculous things he said to me and I somehow tolerated it. Four years later I have mostly recovered. The one upshot is that I have keen radar for any type of judgmental behavior in the men I meet now and I completely recoil from it. It is the most flagrant red flag there is.
Tan 14
Great article Evan, it’s so true. If your honest with your bf/gf about things in your past Ect. And they judge you and make you feel bad about it then dump that person.
My ex who I dumped after being together a week, judged.
I was open with him and told him things about my past…that I use to party alot and take some
xtc pills (which I don’t do now days) and he just gave me this weird look and kept saying how silly that was. After that I felt like I didn’t want to tell him anything else..and I would watch what I would say, so I really couldnt be myself around him.
Paragon 15
This BF does sound pretty clueless, as a keen intuition into your partner’s feelings seems a pretty essential quality to preserving a LTR.
Still, I wonder if she has considered DISCUSSING her feelings, with her mate(guys are admittedly pretty obtuse, when it comes to ‘reading’ their mates).
Chau 16
Didn’t realize so many women had to deal with this.
It’s great that many of you had the strength to move away from the emotional abusive relationship.
My first reaction to the headline was to work on the communication skills.
Yes. The Way Of The Therapist.
But I’ll need to re-examine this issue since it appears to be much worse than it seems.
Thanks for everyone’s contribution and an awesome share Evan.
Heather 17
Christina,
Exactly. That was my ex, to a tee. He was about 8 years older than me, but had the emotional maturity of a toddler and I might be insulting toddlers!!! He couldn’t accept that others had flaws; he would talk like he did, but it was done in a very condescending manner, and I even said to him a few times, um, if you’re constantly criticizing and putting down this person and venting to me, then WHY do you hang out with them? I only did that a few times because then I got a lecture about how I do not understand people like he does. Uhhhh, yeah, OK, genius.
My current guy has flaws, but they’re not dealbreakers. I have flaws, but to him they are not dealbreakers. He has not judged me for having to juggle a very sick Mom right now, a stressful job, and recovering myself, from major surgery last year and getting back into a full and active life.
The more comments I read on this blog, the more certain that I am that I made a very wise choice in pulling the flush handle on my last relationship, and sending him packing. It wasn’t the ideal way to end a relationship, but as my Dad reminded me, when abuse of any kind is involved, all bets are off and that person isn’t entitled to anything other than watching your back as you walk away.
Goldie 18
@ Mia, right on. I read the woman’s letter and it made me so livid. Why wouldn’t her boyfriend take some time to educate himself on some of the “non-addictive drugs”? heck, had he tried some, he could’ve been a better person for that — odds are it would’ve helped him lose that giant stick he seems to have up his ass. Anyway, given the legal ramifications, I can see why he may not be okay with his GF using the stuff now, but harrassing her for something she’s done once in the past that didn’t do her or anybody else any harm? harrassing her about something he doesn’t understand, or try to understand? that’d be a deal-breaker for me, I don’t do closed-minded. Drunk driving is another matter, but again, she did it once, it’s done, she cannot go back in time and undo it, and she’s not doing it anymore, so what the hell is he trying to accomplish by bringing the issue up again and again? I guess in addition to closed-minded and judgemental, he also comes across to me as illogical — no good can come out of what he’s doing, yet he keeps doing it and I cannot understand why. FTR, I don’t do illogical either.
Markie Mark 19
@Anonymous #3.
I’ve dated these kind of women as well. Once the judgments start I ask them 1 question, prior to breaking things off.
If I am such a loser (which I KNOW I am NOT) – why are you with me?
I like to watch them stammer out an answer. Then I say goodbye.
The problem with these types is that’s their communication style blame, shame and manipulation. And it NEVER works. It keeps them unhealthy because it’s ALWAYS some one elses fault things are the way they are.
These people don’t’ know how to function in a healthy relationship and are damaged. Best thing to do is leave. You are NOT their therapist.
I agree with Evan and that’s my #1 criteria..non-judgmental. When you’re with someone who is non-judgmental you can totally be yourself and they can see the person you actually are.
Michelle 20
Thank God people have recognized the dysfunction of having people like this in their lives (take a look at friends, co-workers, family that do the same?)
I also have experienced not quite as blatent criticism. I tolerated it for awhile since I’m one that is confident in myself and can laugh at my imperfections. However, after a few of those ‘haha’ comments, plus other huge problems like a closed heart, I ended it after 5 months. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow someone in my life and expend energy on someone who doesn’t believe I’m the cat’s meow. I would rather enjoy my beautiful, fun life on my own. I wish him the best, and hope eventually he can see how his behavior is hurtful to others by learning to open his heart.
Ruby 21
Chau #16
If you read the actual letter, this woman has been with her boyfriend for only 4 months, way too soon to consider a therapist, and certainly inappropriate for a partner to continually be bringing his girlfriend’s past. Most relationships don’t get beyond the first few months, and this is one that also shouldn’t, despite the fact that she refers to boyfriend as a “great guy”. A really great guy doesn’t harp on past mistakes as “hurdles”, or constantly question his girlfriend’s character. Simply put, at the 4 month mark, things should be getting better and better, not worse.
Rosy 22
Part of me wishes I’d had this advice about fifteen years ago when I had a judgemental boyfriend (and later, husband) with whom I spent the best part of an unhappy decade. Actually, I have an amazing child as a result of that relationship, so I can’t really regret it! But yes, this is spot on.
Soul Sister 23
I don’t intend to say that there are not judgemental people, but this does remind me of a behavior that I think is becoming way too prevelant in dating today. In this world of transparency and acceptance, I do find that sometimes people share WAY too much stuff with people they JUST MET! Then they wonder why they were being judged harshly. And sometimes, there are things that just do not need to be shared, ever. You don’t need to know everything about my past and everything I have ever done to “know” me. And there are some things I would never reveal to a partner. It was wrong, I am terribly sorry I did it, but do I want the current man I am dating to know about it? It was a mistake and will never be repeated, so what do I gain by telling him and now making my junk his junk to deal with? I would not lie about something that could affect him (ie I would not lie to someone I am deeply involved with about my financial situation, which could end up impacting them). And some things perhaps could be shared when someone already loves you, and then they may be much more accepting of what happened because they already care for you.
I am suggesting that while a dear friend might tell me something that I can accept because I already know and care for her, a new friend telling all about her past “shit” in the first few months might be someone I judge that I don’t want to get to know more deeply. There are also some things that I just don’t care to know about someone unless it is still affecting them today. I certainly have skeletons in my closet, if I run around sharing them with everyone, I have to expect that some will judge me and not accept me for who they “think” I am because of what I chose to reveal.
Just like I don’t think there is ever a reason for my lover to see me on the toilet as a visual he will now forever have of me, I don’t think they need to know about every screwed up mistake I made on the road to learning to be the person I am today. What do you really gain from total transparency…it is almost like showing someone all your dirty laundry and then asking them to overlook it and love you anyway because you are such a great person. How does sharing the number of sexual partners I have had benefit the current man I am dating if I have been tested and do not have STDs to pass along? If you haven’t put your past in the past, you may want to get help with that and not drag it into your future relationships. If it is not in your past, that is a different issue….
Serena27 24
@nadia #10 -You don’t have to just suspect it Nadia, it’s plastered all over Evan’s blog and in his videos to women
Evan says that he treats his wife very well, and that he responds to the wonderful way she treats him by matching it. And b/c he loves her. Evan advises over and over not to accept a man who doesn’t make you feel good in the relationship. He tells women to be warm and inviting and believe the best in men so that when the ‘right’ man comes along he will feel welcomed and will give you his very best. He also warns women “you don’t attract the wrong men, you accept the wrong men.” A lot of the men you meet will simply not be right for you, even though they aren’t bad people. Some of them might also be bad or jerks. But if you don’t allow a jerk to be your boyfriend, his jerk behaviour cannot hurt you. Which is why Evan also advises in a new relationship to ignore the positives and focus on the negatives. You don’t expect bad behaviour, but you also don’t ignore bad behaviour when it occurs.
If you are doing your part for the relationship by being open and accepting and honest (don’t lie to yourself if you can’t accept something about the person. Let them go), then you just have to wait for the man who matches you, and pursues you.
It’s very important to take responsibility for what you accept. If you believe that you just attract controlling men, then you will actually sub-consiously seek them. After I left my ex my therapist advised against dating for at least a year b/c he said my chances of finding a man just like my ex were very high. I tried dating after 8 months but I didn’t pick well and it was a sub-par relationship. I ended it after 3 months, but it shook my self-esteem and I did therapy and read a lot about relationships and took a break from dating for another 14 months. You can usually only find a person as healthy as you are, and no one can love you more than you love yourself.
Catharine 25
I was married to someone like that and also had another similar relationship. Both caused me a lot of pain grief and even worse affected my son in many negative ways. Its better to move on than try to fix a broken marriage and deal with a broken family. In the long run, everyone suffers.
David T 26
@Soul Sister 23
This used to be a real problem for me. I would share too much. As you say, if it is in your past, it is in your past not who you are today. I will not lie about anything, but now I know I don’t need to volunteer anything that does impact them or any shared relationship/friendship.
If I ever feel a need to lie about my past that means the potential partner is (all together now)
TOO JUDGEMENTAL
@Rosy 22 Yours is almost my story to a T. The being judgmental was almost unnoticeable amongst the downright nasty meaness in general. Funny how those two traits tend to come together. Maybe judgmental people also tend to be dopamine addicts who get their rush out of life by getting riled up.
Mia 27
Good to have a few male comments here – bc this kind of nastiness goes both ways . I grew up in a house with a controlling, nasty, manipulative mother who constantly beat down my father with criticisms. My (white American) mother would laugh at my (Asian immigrant) dad during dinner, saying things like, you’ve lived in this country for 20 years and you still don’t know how to use a fork! (my dad used forks for weird things, like pizza). She wouldn’t let him watch sports on tv, constantly told him everything he did wrong, and withheld affection. Once, to my horror in college, she mocked him for having E.D. right in front of me! She dictates his diet, schedule, everything. The sad part is, my dad loves her and thinks they have a great marriage. I think being privy to that dynamic inadvertently screwed up some early relationships, where I found nice pushover men who tolerated unbelievable behavior from me and still adored me. Ever since I decided that was not how I wanted things to go, and treated men with affection and kindness and understanding, I’ve been single.
Mia 28
By the way, this is one of the things that makes me a little cynical about men’s choices in women – I’m sure my dad was just thrilled that he could snag a model looking blonde woman at a time 35 yrs ago when Asian men never got white women and ignored the fact that she was a train wreck. As an attractive family man with a decent job, he could have easily found a woman of his own race who supported and respected him and his immigrant experience.
Bill 29
It shows that many people are willing to deal with a partner that makes them feel bad if the attraction/chemistry is high.
Tonya 30
I once dated a guy who literally could not handle the fact I had previously been with other men. We were in our late 30′s, both previously married, and had kids of our own but over 9 months he COULD NOT get over jealousy of my having been with other people in sexual relationships in my life before meeting him. What? Insane. He wanted nothing but to argue over and over about this fact. And other issues included not liking my clothing and shoes. I had enough of the immature madness and finally got to the point of anger and indifference and dumped his crazy ass.
David T 31
@Mia 27 It is ironic, I agree. I suspect with your change in behavior you also care more about finding more complete compatibility.
The men who put up with your past unbelievable behavior are easier to ‘match’ with because all they are looking for is someone, anyone, to adore and you were only looking for someone to adore you and put up with you. That is a pretty simple recipe. I bet you felt something was missing from those relationships and hazard a guess that you initiated most of the breakups.
You self identified your dysfunctional patterns. (Bravo! It is hard to for a person to realize that how their parents treated each other might not be normal or healthy. It took real bravery on your part to look in the mirror and admit you didn’t like what you saw and successfully affect change in yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back for that). Now that you have changed your outlook, you are seeking a compatible partner instead of a footstool. Finding real compatibility takes more searching than finding a broad personality type.
Heather 32
@ Tonya:
My ex was doing that too, about some of my clothes. He used to make all kinds of comments about my Wellies, that I loved. He said, “Those are THE ugliest things I have ever seen.” I got snippy right back and said, “Did you pay for them? Are you wearing them? No to both answers? Then it’s none of your business and I will wear them if I damn well please.”
He was also jealous of my BFF, who is gay. Which is ironic, considering that my ex hung out with ex girlfriends, or girls he knew had a thing for him, without me there, and got angry if I expressed how uncomfortable I was. When we broke up, I told him that my BFF acted more like a boyfriend than he ever had, because while my BFF is gay and totally uninterested in women, he was raised to be a Southern gentleman and a truly decent person.
He got so angry that he blocked me on Facebook and on AOL instant messenger too. Which I regard as a compliment. He just can’t handle women who stand up to him and call him on his bullshit. He never thought I would, but I did, and he just couldn’t handle it.
A funny aside, from what I understand, I do believe he is still single. Gee, I wonder why??
Tonya 33
Ha! Indeed….these are the narcisstic types who are insecure and seek perfection in themselves and mates because they feel so imperfect on the inside. I realilzed there was nothing I could do that would satisfy him other than delete me and become exactly like him. Not gonna happen. At first I worried about him and tried to make him happy…but as time grew on I couldn’t deal with the insanity any more and just became angry and chopping at the bit to get away. I’m glad you and I both wised up.
Tonya 34
Oh Heather…mine didn’t like “open toed shoes” and refused to even walk down the street with me if he didn’t like the shoes I had on. Childish much? And every intimate moment HAD to have me in some form of lingerie and stockings…get real I’m not your blow up doll.
Heather 35
Tonya,
YES! That is it indeed. Very narcissistic, always had to crow about a recent blog post he wrote. The funny thing was that he had time to craft these (well he thought so anyways) brilliant, thought-provoking posts, but didn’t have time to find a full-time job. He just walked around acting like the world owed him something and that he was better than everyone else. He would get rather nasty with me if I wore something that he did not like, would make comments about it, etc.
I tried to make him happy for awhile but like you, at the end, I was ready to get away. The day before I decided to end things, we had agreed to meet up and have lunch since I was off work that day. I got turned around at the subway station and asked the station manager. My soon to be ex boyfriend was highly offended that I got turned around, using his directions. No joke, he actually said, “Who knows how to get around this area?? ME!” And jabbed at himself with his thumb. Talk about childish. I knew right then that this was ending but I just didn’t know how I’d be able to go about it. He gave me the ultimate out, that next morning, when he sent those abusive text messages.
I will never ever allow any man to talk to me like that, ever again. Case in point, the other night, my boyfriend was stressed about his new dog misbehaving. When I gently suggested a dog-walker for awhile, he snapped at me. I put my hands up and went: “Calm down please, I was just trying to help you out.” And I walked off. He apologized later and I told him: “Yelling at me, in front of your roommate, is totally uncool and I find that very unacceptable behavior. Just because you’re upset gives you NO right to yell at me. I’ve told you before that I won’t tolerate any yelling or raised voices, you know what I have been through.” I didn’t offer an ultimatum, just a statement of fact that what he did was not acceptable behavior in my eyes. Should he do it again, I may need to reassess the situation and consider whether I may need to leave the relationship, if this is going to be a behavior that becomes a pattern. Hopefully, it was an isolated incident, and my standing up for myself taught him not to to that again.
Christine 36
I now make it a point to only spend time with people who lift me up rather than drag me down…that’s true of friends, dates or anyone I’m looking at as a potential partner. I had a former “friend” who was constantly criticizing me, from my hair to my make-up to how I dressed. Looking back on it…well, the word I’m thinking of to describe her starts with a “c” and rhymes with “punt”! She had a very troubled marriage so perhaps she needed to be bossy and controlling to feel better about herself–she always flirted wildly with other men, almost never spent time with her husband and refused to wear her wedding ring publicly. So being with romantic partners like that was even more painful. I’ve also done more than my fair share with men who were more in love with my “potential” and what they could change me into, rather than who I really am. These narcissists can all have each other and make each other miserable as far as I’m concerned! I’m willing to compromise on a lot of things, but one thing I’m not willing to give up is looking for someone with the humility to recognize his own flaws, and thus accept me for mine. Thanks for just letting me vent a little.
Heather 37
@ Christine,
AMEN and AMEN, sister! My ex husband and ex boyfriend both tried to mold me into someone I was not, and I grew to truly resent it. Do I think I can improve myself and grow? Oh sure, definitely, but not because someone else wants me to or tries to make me do it.
Nowadays, I too only hang out with people who lift me up, and that includes family as well. I have some very negative, drama-filled family members who are hateful and two-faced. I no longer communicate with them. All they do is bring drama into people’s lives and I have no tolerance for it anymore.
We deserve people who will love and accept us, not judge us. I’m not asking for people to agree with everything I do or say, or to be yes men, and I do appreciate friends saying something when they see danger or a major problem. But judgment will not be tolerated in my life anymore.
Two of Us Dating Service 38
Look we all hope for the best in any relationship we are in, its just human nature to try and make things work out. But if your having conversations with yourself “why does he make me feel so badly here” Then no one, not your family, friends or an outsider is going to give you the answer. You already know inside yourself that he isnt the right person for you. We all face the difficulty of not wanting to be alone, but how is being alone and having someone make you feel worthless a good thing.
Just a thought here!!!
Tonya 39
To the above poster – while that it very true indeed, what most women do(in my opinion) is look at the POTENTIAL of a person/relationship and tend to really overlook a LOT in the hopes that things will change. I think as an adult now out there dating since 2008 (after being married 14 years), I had a really unrealistic view of people and trusted them at face value FAR too much than I should have.
I know I’m not the only woman out there that has done that. And, logically I can tell you with certainty I always silently “pitied” the women who were in abusive relationships and wondered how the heck they could’ve let things get to that point – but you know what? I’m intelligent, I’m educated, I’m a good person and I surprisingly found myself right in the trap. And dont doubt for a minute that these guys aren’t abusive, cause they are. Maybe not physically but CERTAINLY mentallyl.
In my case, I let a lot slide in the beginning because of some major obstacles. 1) he lived in another country, 2) he was foreign and not American, and 3)the position he held in his career was impressive and captivating and he used romance and flattery to it’s FULL EXTENT on me…(I used to get 2 dozes roses sent to my work every month for instance) It’s amazing how I dismissed the red flags I saw by telling myself, “well he has to call me all the time because he’s not here to see me every day and he misses me” or “he doesn’t understand what I meant or said or my culture because he’s not American and we have a culture difference/language barrier, (insert other excuses here)”.
Truth was it didn’t matter the distance or nationality, he was a narcissitic personality with very low self esteem who was trying to control me. Finally when I started to realize he was like THAT and not just confused because of culture differences, that’s when I got wise and decided I wanted out before it got worse – but I literally had to get ANGRY about the situation and at him before I was ready to end it.
Christine 40
Heather @37, right back at ya! I recognize that I am far from perfect but basically, I’ve learned to accept who I am, flaws and all. To me, that’s what real love is, truly accepting the other person for who they are rather than what you wish he or she would be. There’s a quote that I think is very applicable here–”no one can walk all over you unless you lie down first”. I’m done lying down for anyone else’s bad behavior. I’m glad to hear that other women out there have also overcome unhealthy situations and had their epiphanies.
My whole life, I’ve had this pattern of having people who wanted to change me in one way or another. I had former boyfriends who would criticize me as frigid, and push me to do certain sexual acts I was really uncomfortable with. They had this fantasy of turning me from a “good girl” into a “bad one”. Well, I’m glad to be out of that situation. To a less extreme extent, this “friend” was also always telling me what I needed to change (basically, just my whole appearance and personality!) I even sometimes get that from my own mother, who tells me how fat I’ve gotten (I’m a size 4–she means I’ve grown from the size 0 I used to be back in my 20s). Well, I got tired of walking around eggshells and always feeling like I’m somehow not good enough “as is”. I dumped those dysfunctional guys and that bitchy former “friend”, and have told my mother to back off.
I’m also done feeling bad that I’m not the young and beautiful ”trophy” that most men want. I might not be Angelina Jolie territory but look good for a 33 year old. To the right man, that’s enough. I actually know a guy with the 20-something, drop dead gorgeous girlfriend most men chase (she’s even done modeling work). However, he’s frustrated with her lack of intellect and ambition, so that’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I used to wish I could be her, so I could more easily mold myself into what men want. Now, though, I’ve learned to be comfortable with who I am and my own unique qualities, even though they’re not hers and not as appealing to the majority (but I don’t want to date all of society, just the one right person). We all have something beautiful to give and just need to find the right person who appreciates it.
ErikkaT 41
It took me about 10 years to realize that my husbands angry outbursts, constant criticism and messing with my head were not my fault.
He was angry, manipulative and controlling.
When I got up the courage to go to counseling, I was told that what he did to me was abuse. I spent years blaming myself, thinking that I could make him treat me better, to love me again, but I couldn’t.
After 17 years, we divorced. It hasn’t been easy.
helen32 42
I find angry controlling toddlers to be the norm. It is exceedingly rare to find otherwise, married or not. The married guys harp on their wives constantly and complain about them to anyone who will listen. You would think their wives were terrible, then you meet them and they are wonderful courteous attractive and seemingly completely unaware of the lying coward they have married (for now). These losers are destined to be thrown to the divorced and dating world, wreaking havoc on the next victim. It is rare to meet a guy that isn’t falsely entitled and angry about it. Only a 10 is good enough, even if he is a 3. And she still owes him. In fact, it seems worse among the undateable, “nice” guys, and the religious.
I value my time spent with a few longtime stable female friends and stable couples that are actual good people, one decent neighbor, and one small hobby group. I don’t deserve verbal, physical, emotional abuse, threats and actions from a bunch of angry guys that don’t even know me but do see me as a woman, a target.
There is a serious problem in the cultural teaching of males, and it isn’t new, this is second generation.
David T 43
@Helen32 42
I don’t deserve verbal, physical, emotional abuse, threats and actions from a bunch of angry guys that don’t even know me but do see me as a woman, a target
No one deserves that. What is your point?
I value my time spent with a few longtime stable female friends and stable couples that are actual good people, one decent neighbor, and one small hobby group.
This indirectly says you have no interest in dating. You also do not appear to be at all interested in helping other people who are here trying to find their way in dating. Why are you are posting here? Do you need to vent? Use your face friends for that, it is more complete and supportive and doesn’t drain the energy of dozens of random strangers who read your polemics. Are you seeking conflict? Go troll elsewhere, please.
Deanne 44
David, In case you are unaware, you are exactly the man women are talking about here. Go troll elsewhere? Silly. Asking her why shes posting? Who are you to ask that someone explain themselves? Speaking of trolling, its elementary that your intention is attention. Of all the positive feedback on this topic, onlyyours is negative, at which point all postings stop. a very likely indicator of what your life is like. how very sad it must have made you, reading these posts knowing it is what you think is the norm. that would frighten and confuse anyone. Hopefully you use the experience as an opportunity to grow and stop treating people the way you do.Good luck.
justaboutfedup 45
the guy I’m with judge me on everything. I always walk on egg shells and watch everything I do around him. He makes my hands shake and my nerves bad. If I said I dated guys who wasn’t good to me, he says, “so you slept with them cause you just wanted some D and was whoring.” yes, he actually said that to me. He comes out and says, ‘i don’t trust you because I know you have whored, I have seeing naked pictures of you on the internet.” He says that I’m a woman so I can’t be equal to him. He doesn’t see anything wrong with a many sleeping around but he calls women whores that do. He has actually told me he is smarter than me and when I tell him I’am smart as him, he says, “No you’re not, you are scatter brain.” He hasn’t done nothing but spend time in jail for violent fights and his wife left him years ago and he won’t tell me why. I suspect it was for violence since he said he was forced out his house by police. I have degree and when he puts me down and I remind him that I went to college and understand, he continues to say, “that doesn’t mean nothing to me. You are not making no money for me, you’re not putting any cash in my hand.”
He insist on accusing me of having nude pics on the internet. There are no nude pics of me on the internet, just modeling pics with me wearing clothes and no kind of porn…etc. He believes this through and through about me, although he as admitted to sleep with many women, some he don’t even remember sleeping with and I haven’t slept with many already. He says to me, “I did the math and estimated, you had three years to sleep around when you were single and I know you did.” This is how judgmental he is. If I go to my car he says, “I’m giving you three second to come back in the bar.” He says this cause he believe I will start throwing myself at a guy. I have done nothing but give all my attention to him, cater to him in every way, even spend my money on him every time we go out and he wouldn’t even give me five dollars on gas.
Now he is stone walling me all because I asked him nicely to learn how to call me during the day and not just text me. He only call me at night to check up on me, and tells me I better not answer his call and my phone better not be dead. But he takes long time texting back and don’t call me ever during the day. He constantly judges me on the slightest thing. For example, I put each one of my items in my purse one by one instead of picking them all up at once. He spoke to me like a parent does their child and stated, ” you just picked up each piece and put them one by one in your purse, which is weird and it made no sense at all.” I said, “maybe I wanted to do it that way.” he said, “I was just trying to help you.”
Every judgement on every little thing, he cleans it up by saying he is trying to help me. He always thinks his way is the right way and he knows what is best. Once he asked me to keep an eye on the fish and I wasn’t sure if it was done, so I went in the living room any asked him for his opinion and he says once again with a smirk on his face, “don’t try to tell me that you don’t know how to cook, all I ask if for you to keep an eye on the fish…I know you can do that. do I look dumb to you.”
Every bad attitude he gives me he cleans it up by saying he was just trying to help me.
This week when I told him he need to treat me like his equal and respect me, he said I was not his equal and I need to learn to be quiet and still. I have scattered brain and to much going on in my head.
Again he turned it into me being on trial. NO one in my life has ever considered me to have a scatter brain. I have written books, so it is very unlikely that I don’t know how to focus.
After I stood my ground and told me I was his equal he insisted on telling I was not and then insulted me…etc.
He then waited about an hour and made it like he cared about me and he ended up putting the moves on me in my sleep. When I left he seemed cold. Hours went by and he didn’t text or call. Not even to make sure I got home safely. I texted him and continued to tell me he was to busy to talk…ect. Night time came and he called me. Once again refusing to call me during the day and only at night and asking me where I’m at. His night time calls is just to check up on me, to see what I’m doing. When I told him I went to karaoke to sing, because he knows I love to sing and take lessons, he became cold and started being nasty to me. He hung up on and I haven’t heard from him since.
I told him in a text, I’m sick of him disrespecting, bullying me and setting rules on me he is not following and I wouldn’t take it anymore. I told him he can meet me to give me my stuff from his place and we both can move on.He refuse to answer. He is into collecting items of x girlfriends. He think he is going to call me days later, after he gives me the silent treatment but he is wrong,I’m through with him now.
I apologize for the typos, but it is late and I’m tired. I really had to share my experience. We have only been dating for a month and already I feel like I’m on the road to needing therapy from his constantly abuse.
marymary 46
just about
To quote the post:
“Break up with him. Immediately.”
What stuff has he got of yours? Unless it’s a living thing, let him keep it and chalk it up to experience. This is beyond “judgemental” and sounds like a precursor to physical abuse. Him not calling you enough was not the problem!
Joe 47
Why the hell are you still dating this jackass?
Clare 48
justaboutfedup,
You really should take some time (after you run far away from this guy) to figure out what it was in you that allowed you to stick around for such awful, awful treatment and spend some time repairing your self-esteem, and getting to the point where you really think well of yourself and want good treatment for yourself.
Trust me, as someone who’s been there, taking time to do this personal exploration and work on your self-esteem is valuable, otherwise you could find yourself in another relationship with a similar low quality man.