Comments on: What You Should Do With a Judgmental Boyfriend. Hint: It Sounds Like Lump Him.

By: Clare

Clare — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 05:46:50 +0000

justaboutfedup,

You really should take some time (after you run far away from this guy) to figure out what it was in you that allowed you to stick around for such awful, awful treatment and spend some time repairing your self-esteem, and getting to the point where you really think well of yourself and want good treatment for yourself.

Trust me, as someone who’s been there, taking time to do this personal exploration and work on your self-esteem is valuable, otherwise you could find yourself in another relationship with a similar low quality man.

By: Joe

Joe — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 13:36:52 +0000

Why the hell are you still dating this jackass?

By: marymary

marymary — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 12:42:12 +0000

just about
To quote the post:
“Break up with him. Immediately.”
What stuff has he got of yours? Unless it’s a living thing, let him keep it and chalk it up to experience. This is beyond “judgemental” and sounds like a precursor to physical abuse. Him not calling you enough was not the problem!

By: justaboutfedup

justaboutfedup — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 06:56:08 +0000

the guy I’m with judge me on everything. I always walk on egg shells and watch everything I do around him. He makes my hands shake and my nerves bad. If I said I dated guys who wasn’t good to me, he says, “so you slept with them cause you just wanted some D and was whoring.” yes, he actually said that to me. He comes out and says, ‘i don’t trust you because I know you have whored, I have seeing naked pictures of you on the internet.” He says that I’m a woman so I can’t be equal to him. He doesn’t see anything wrong with a many sleeping around but he calls women whores that do. He has actually told me he is smarter than me and when I tell him I’am smart as him, he says, “No you’re not, you are scatter brain.” He hasn’t done nothing but spend time in jail for violent fights and his wife left him years ago and he won’t tell me why. I suspect it was for violence since he said he was forced out his house by police. I have degree and when he puts me down and I remind him that I went to college and understand, he continues to say, “that doesn’t mean nothing to me. You are not making no money for me, you’re not putting any cash in my hand.”
He insist on accusing me of having nude pics on the internet. There are no nude pics of me on the internet, just modeling pics with me wearing clothes and no kind of porn…etc. He believes this through and through about me, although he as admitted to sleep with many women, some he don’t even remember sleeping with and I haven’t slept with many already. He says to me, “I did the math and estimated, you had three years to sleep around when you were single and I know you did.” This is how judgmental he is. If I go to my car he says, “I’m giving you three second to come back in the bar.” He says this cause he believe I will start throwing myself at a guy. I have done nothing but give all my attention to him, cater to him in every way, even spend my money on him every time we go out and he wouldn’t even give me five dollars on gas.
Now he is stone walling me all because I asked him nicely to learn how to call me during the day and not just text me. He only call me at night to check up on me, and tells me I better not answer his call and my phone better not be dead. But he takes long time texting back and don’t call me ever during the day. He constantly judges me on the slightest thing. For example, I put each one of my items in my purse one by one instead of picking them all up at once. He spoke to me like a parent does their child and stated, ” you just picked up each piece and put them one by one in your purse, which is weird and it made no sense at all.” I said, “maybe I wanted to do it that way.” he said, “I was just trying to help you.”
Every judgement on every little thing, he cleans it up by saying he is trying to help me. He always thinks his way is the right way and he knows what is best. Once he asked me to keep an eye on the fish and I wasn’t sure if it was done, so I went in the living room any asked him for his opinion and he says once again with a smirk on his face, “don’t try to tell me that you don’t know how to cook, all I ask if for you to keep an eye on the fish…I know you can do that. do I look dumb to you.”
Every bad attitude he gives me he cleans it up by saying he was just trying to help me.
This week when I told him he need to treat me like his equal and respect me, he said I was not his equal and I need to learn to be quiet and still. I have scattered brain and to much going on in my head.
Again he turned it into me being on trial. NO one in my life has ever considered me to have a scatter brain. I have written books, so it is very unlikely that I don’t know how to focus.
After I stood my ground and told me I was his equal he insisted on telling I was not and then insulted me…etc.
He then waited about an hour and made it like he cared about me and he ended up putting the moves on me in my sleep. When I left he seemed cold. Hours went by and he didn’t text or call. Not even to make sure I got home safely. I texted him and continued to tell me he was to busy to talk…ect. Night time came and he called me. Once again refusing to call me during the day and only at night and asking me where I’m at. His night time calls is just to check up on me, to see what I’m doing. When I told him I went to karaoke to sing, because he knows I love to sing and take lessons, he became cold and started being nasty to me. He hung up on and I haven’t heard from him since.
I told him in a text, I’m sick of him disrespecting, bullying me and setting rules on me he is not following and I wouldn’t take it anymore. I told him he can meet me to give me my stuff from his place and we both can move on.He refuse to answer. He is into collecting items of x girlfriends. He think he is going to call me days later, after he gives me the silent treatment but he is wrong,I’m through with him now.
I apologize for the typos, but it is late and I’m tired. I really had to share my experience. We have only been dating for a month and already I feel like I’m on the road to needing therapy from his constantly abuse.

By: Deanne

Deanne — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 07:14:29 +0000

David, In case you are unaware, you are exactly the man women are talking about here. Go troll elsewhere? Silly. Asking her why shes posting? Who are you to ask that someone explain themselves? Speaking of trolling, its elementary that your intention is attention. Of all the positive feedback on this topic, onlyyours is negative, at which point all postings stop. a very likely indicator of what your life is like. how very sad it must have made you, reading these posts knowing it is what you think is the norm. that would frighten and confuse anyone. Hopefully you use the experience as an opportunity to grow and stop treating people the way you do.Good luck.

By: David T

David T — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 01:31:32 +0000

@Helen32 42 I don’t deserve verbal, physical, emotional abuse, threats and actions from a bunch of angry guys that don’t even know me but do see me as a woman, a target No one deserves that. What is your point? I value my time spent with a few longtime stable female friends and stable couples that are actual good people, one decent neighbor, and one small hobby group. This indirectly says you have no interest in dating. You also do not appear to be at all interested in helping other people who are here trying to find their way in dating. Why are you are posting here? Do you need to vent? Use your face friends for that, it is more complete and supportive and doesn't drain the energy of dozens of random strangers who read your polemics. Are you seeking conflict? Go troll elsewhere, please.

By: helen32

helen32 — Tue, 14 Aug 2012 16:55:37 +0000

I find angry controlling toddlers to be the norm. It is exceedingly rare to find otherwise, married or not. The married guys harp on their wives constantly and complain about them to anyone who will listen. You would think their wives were terrible, then you meet them and they are wonderful courteous attractive and seemingly completely unaware of the lying coward they have married (for now). These losers are destined to be thrown to the divorced and dating world, wreaking havoc on the next victim. It is rare to meet a guy that isn’t falsely entitled and angry about it. Only a 10 is good enough, even if he is a 3. And she still owes him. In fact, it seems worse among the undateable, “nice” guys, and the religious.
I value my time spent with a few longtime stable female friends and stable couples that are actual good people, one decent neighbor, and one small hobby group. I don’t deserve verbal, physical, emotional abuse, threats and actions from a bunch of angry guys that don’t even know me but do see me as a woman, a target.
There is a serious problem in the cultural teaching of males, and it isn’t new, this is second generation.

By: ErikkaT

ErikkaT — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 23:52:54 +0000

It took me about 10 years to realize that my husbands angry outbursts, constant criticism and messing with my head were not my fault.
He was angry, manipulative and controlling.
When I got up the courage to go to counseling, I was told that what he did to me was abuse. I spent years blaming myself, thinking that I could make him treat me better, to love me again, but I couldn’t.

After 17 years, we divorced. It hasn’t been easy.

By: Christine

Christine — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 08:06:56 +0000

Heather @37, right back at ya! I recognize that I am far from perfect but basically, I’ve learned to accept who I am, flaws and all. To me, that’s what real love is, truly accepting the other person for who they are rather than what you wish he or she would be. There’s a quote that I think is very applicable here–”no one can walk all over you unless you lie down first”. I’m done lying down for anyone else’s bad behavior. I’m glad to hear that other women out there have also overcome unhealthy situations and had their epiphanies.

My whole life, I’ve had this pattern of having people who wanted to change me in one way or another. I had former boyfriends who would criticize me as frigid, and push me to do certain sexual acts I was really uncomfortable with. They had this fantasy of turning me from a “good girl” into a “bad one”. Well, I’m glad to be out of that situation. To a less extreme extent, this “friend” was also always telling me what I needed to change (basically, just my whole appearance and personality!) I even sometimes get that from my own mother, who tells me how fat I’ve gotten (I’m a size 4–she means I’ve grown from the size 0 I used to be back in my 20s). Well, I got tired of walking around eggshells and always feeling like I’m somehow not good enough “as is”. I dumped those dysfunctional guys and that bitchy former “friend”, and have told my mother to back off.

I’m also done feeling bad that I’m not the young and beautiful ”trophy” that most men want. I might not be Angelina Jolie territory but look good for a 33 year old. To the right man, that’s enough. I actually know a guy with the 20-something, drop dead gorgeous girlfriend most men chase (she’s even done modeling work). However, he’s frustrated with her lack of intellect and ambition, so that’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I used to wish I could be her, so I could more easily mold myself into what men want. Now, though, I’ve learned to be comfortable with who I am and my own unique qualities, even though they’re not hers and not as appealing to the majority (but I don’t want to date all of society, just the one right person). We all have something beautiful to give and just need to find the right person who appreciates it.

By: Tonya

Tonya — Fri, 03 Aug 2012 16:56:53 +0000

To the above poster – while that it very true indeed, what most women do(in my opinion) is look at the POTENTIAL of a person/relationship and tend to really overlook a LOT in the hopes that things will change. I think as an adult now out there dating since 2008 (after being married 14 years), I had a really unrealistic view of people and trusted them at face value FAR too much than I should have.

I know I’m not the only woman out there that has done that. And, logically I can tell you with certainty I always silently “pitied” the women who were in abusive relationships and wondered how the heck they could’ve let things get to that point – but you know what? I’m intelligent, I’m educated, I’m a good person and I surprisingly found myself right in the trap. And dont doubt for a minute that these guys aren’t abusive, cause they are. Maybe not physically but CERTAINLY mentallyl.

In my case, I let a lot slide in the beginning because of some major obstacles. 1) he lived in another country, 2) he was foreign and not American, and 3)the position he held in his career was impressive and captivating and he used romance and flattery to it’s FULL EXTENT on me…(I used to get 2 dozes roses sent to my work every month for instance) It’s amazing how I dismissed the red flags I saw by telling myself, “well he has to call me all the time because he’s not here to see me every day and he misses me” or “he doesn’t understand what I meant or said or my culture because he’s not American and we have a culture difference/language barrier, (insert other excuses here)”.

Truth was it didn’t matter the distance or nationality, he was a narcissitic personality with very low self esteem who was trying to control me. Finally when I started to realize he was like THAT and not just confused because of culture differences, that’s when I got wise and decided I wanted out before it got worse – but I literally had to get ANGRY about the situation and at him before I was ready to end it.