Comments on: When a Man Criticizes a Woman – Not The Percy Sledge Version

By: Jax

Jax — Mon, 27 Aug 2012 05:22:03 +0000

Tks, Evan! This advice is exactly what I came here looking for. I’ve been told I’m cute, I’m thin and I “should be on TV.” Whatever! Listen, I play sports. I also have a master’s degree and can walk and chew gum at the same time. Yet usually about the 3-month mark of a relationship, the guy who was google-eyed when we first met inevitably tells me “You’re not that hot” or “You could stand to gain some weight” or “I really like [ethnicity I'm not] women.” Frankly, I’ve dated shorter guys, taller guys, ethnic guys, wider guys and even AA guys but somehow I never comment on their bodies or areas they’re sensitive about. I usually think they’re great. Why else would I date them? So I don’t understand these driveby critiques. It’s hard not to feel like I’m attracting it somehow. Inevitably, when it starts, I know I’ll be out the door in 7-10 days. Every guy can’t be this insecure, can they? It just seems like this is my experience over and over. I’m happy to move on but it’s wearying, I’ll tell you that.

By: m

Sat, 25 Aug 2012 16:41:47 +0000

my ex was exactly the same…now I have to pick up the pieces of my shattered self-confidence …no one deserves this type of treatment…but at least one good thing that’s come out of the relationship is that now I will have ZERO TOLERANCE for anyone who will EVER TRY to destroy who I am as a person..no one is perfect, and your flaws don’t matter anyway, because there is no perfect woman or man on the face of this planet…
your man is supposed to make you feel special, otherwise you might as well have 5 different ****buddies !

By: moonsical

moonsical — Fri, 04 May 2007 03:42:38 +0000

This gal made the right decision. Move with fleet feet away from anyone who makes you feel badly about yourself. While I appreciate Eleanor Roosevelt's sentiment that no one can make you feel badly about yourself without your consent, it sure helps if they quit trying.

I argued with a beau over whether men really should be honest with regard to questions like, "Does this dress make me look fat?" (Which I think I have never asked! I mean, why would you?) I argued for the truth. He said, "You mean I should say, 'Yeah, you look like a fat cow in that dress!'" (New York native) "No," I said, "You say something like, 'That is not your most flattering dress.' Then quickly mention something she looks GREAT in. (i.e. 'I LOVE that one blue dress you wear; it is such an elegant look.')" I know this may be asking a lot from a guy (although I did have a verbally skilled boyfriend who used "elegant" for me.)

There's always the warm embrace if you can't figure out how to be verbally supportive.

Re: open relationship... Ask for, nay, demand, whatever your heart and soul need. I do not think I could do that. Yikes. In my 20's, back when we were all looser, I would just tell my beau, "If you are sleeping with someone else, you are not sleeping with me." That was clear enough, and they made adjustments accordingly. It's not total "exclusivity" in that they can still be interested in other women, but uh, not swapping bodily fluids. That is just not safe or hygienic, in my mind.

By: Cricket

Cricket — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 16:27:59 +0000

Amen Evan. Sounds like Christine was dating my ex. Silly me, I stuck around for 4.5 years. I entered the relationship confident, thin and pretty sure any man on earth would adore my quirky personality. I exited it 10 lbs. lighter, assuming I was irritating, lazy, mean and a little too chubby in the ass. And this guy ADORED me! 10 minutes after I finally ended it, I remembered why I was all those good things. 2 years later he’s still pining over me. People who are critical like that are just redistributing their own feelings of insecurity. His inability to commit is just the fact that he’s holding out for some imaginary better person who will take away all his insecurities. For the record, I found me an amazing guy who thinks I’m all the good things I am times 10. And so can Christine.

By: Nic

Nic — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 16:27:25 +0000

I can't tell you how much this hits home. I've been the critical one in one relationship and the criticized in another. And honestly, neither side is a picnic.

Love is unconditional, so if you can't love someone that way, it isn't right. And if someone isn't loving you that way, it isn't right.

We all need to decide whether we'd rather be "right" or be loved...

By: Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz — Mon, 23 Apr 2007 23:43:43 +0000

Thanks for the reminder, Anon. But I didn't even see what there was to comment upon. The guy was a jerkoff.
Factor in that he's a jerkoff who can't commit and it doesn't seem like there's much advice for me to offer. Christine did the right thing.

I wholeheartedly agree with you that "seeing other people" is useful in the first few weeks/months. But if you don't have a commitment after, say, three months, you're probably not getting one at all.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Apr 2007 23:41:08 +0000

I was a bit disappointed that you didn't comment on the nine month open relationship aspect of the question- particularly as the writer seemed to be holding out for an exclusive relationship.

Personally, I'm more then happy with the "seeing other people" thing in the early stages of an online relationship - the emailing, the first few dates, even the first couple of times having sex. But once I start getting comfortable waking up in her flat I don't want to be looking for anyone else, and i don't like the thought of another man staying over on the alternate nights.

Do you think its too soon to ask for this kind of exclusivity at that stage in a relationship