I think its important to understand that with any marriage problem, you cannot solve it on your own. For issues to be resolved, BOTH PARTNERS need to be willing to work on the marriage. Something that can frequently happen in a marriage is that one partner becomes unhappy with some aspect of the relationship (whether its how much time the partner spends on career/outside interests, quality of sex /emotional intimacy over the years, how money is spent, how children are raised etc…etc…)whist the other partner is happy with things as they are (or have become) and has no desire to instigate any changes. The unhappy partner raises the issue – often repeatedly – whilst the other partner (happy with the status quo) either ignores it or makes sympathetic noises but no real changes. The unhappy partner may then embark on a one-sided (and likely ill-fated) attempt to  fix things – eg. in my first marriage I became unhappy that my husband dedicated too much time and energy to his work, so I ended up giving up MY job, so at least when he was home, I was home too and the housework was done so we could have more time together… but these one sided efforts often just make the problem worse – the unhappy partner is now investing MORE time and effort in a relatiohsip he/she is unhappy with, whilst the other partner, happy with the status quo, continues to resist change. The problem is considered to be the unhappy partner’s problem – the other one says “Hey, I don’t HAVE a problem!”. The unhappy partner may ther try several different strategies to try to communicate their concerns and “fix things” but unless the other partner is equally concerned and they agree on changes they are BOTH going to make to improve things, then these attempts too are doomed. Eventually, the unhappy partner leaves – or the happy partner leaves cos he’s fed up being with someone who’s unhappy. End of marriage.

How much and on what issues your partner is going to be prepared to compromise and work with you throughout a marriage is really quite difficult to assess before marriage – often we ourselves cannot correctly anticipate how we will react if a certain situation arises. I like to think I’d rescue a child from a burning building, but who knows? Maybe I’d run and hide from the flames.

So I don’t think you can say that people who are divorced one or more times have “serious emotional issues” When I see the unhealthy state of the emotional relationships in some marriages where people have stayed together, my main conclusion is that those who divorce may simply be braver, or more determined to get OUT of an emotionally unhealthy situation than others.

Remarried in her early thirties, had 2 kids, and stayed married for 20 years. The standard phrase I hear after these long marriages break up is, “We just grew apart”, which seems to be, at least in part, code for “We stopped having sex.” Husband initiated the divorce, and moved right into a relationship with a thirty-something woman.

While she is not perfect, I wouldn’t say she has “serious emotional issues”. OTOH, second and third marriages are even more likely to break up than first marriages, so it would seem that people are not taking the time to resolve the issues that caused their first (or second) marriage to end.

As far Wendy Paris’ article goes, the phrase that really stood out for me was “I’ve always had an optimistic view of divorce.” While an amicable divorce is much preferred to an acrimonious one, I’d guess that most people would dread the idea of divorce and a failed marriage even under the best of circumstances.

What cracks me up is the stupidity with which so many men select their wives (worth focusing on since women initiate more divorces). They only want girls who are insanely hard to get , who turn them down for dates at first, who don’t return calls, who make them wait like puppies for 6 months before having sex. You even see this in pop culture – in How I Met Your Mother, the guy who wants to get married, Ted, keeps chasing girls who are impossible to get and erect massive barriers. Well, does it ever occur to men that maybe these girls are hard to get because they’re not into them or manipulative? I mean, God forbid a man marry an affectionate girl who enthusiastically accepts dates and enjoys sex with him! Then men sit around bitching that their wives don’t put out , nag, control, and only care about their money. Evan’s courtship with his wife obviously isn’t like that, but it seems to be rare.