My girlfriend is compromising by dating an opinionated, Jewish atheist who spends way too much time working, talking about ex’s and complaining about all the things wrong in his life. What she gets in return is a guy who is pretty self-aware, always trying to get better, has a good work ethic and excellent family values. She could spend her time lamenting that I’m not athletic enough, cheery enough, or free enough to take vacations at the drop of a hat, but she doesn’t. She has compromised – and, some might say, settled. After all, there are probably some tall, attractive, wealthy, Catholic men looking for a super-cool woman. And yet she chooses me.
I know, Paula, that you feel that you’re talking about something else. You’re talking about men who are old, unattractive, boring, unstable – dealbreakers all. But as I tell my clients, you can be as choosy as you like, as long as you don’t choose yourself out of all your options.
An example from the other side of the aisle:
My rich 56-year-old client wants a hot 35-year-old woman who not only doesn’t want kids, but can pick up and travel on a dime on his private jet. This means she can’t have a serious job, or be too tethered to her friends, and must be willing to move to his area. Oh yeah, and he’s not looking for a trophy – intelligence, class and poise are a must. There’s nothing wrong with what this man wants, but when he factors in:
How few 35 year olds truly want 56 year olds
How few 35 year olds don’t want kids/don’t have kids
How few intelligent women don’t have careers or deep roots in their hometowns
Guess what? There’s virtually NO one left for this guy to choose from. So what do you tell this successful, intelligent, youthful man to do? Say it with me, ladies: COMPROMISE! Go out with an older women. Give a little on the kids thing. Accept the fact that an intelligent woman might have a career and can’t travel spontaneously. This seems REALLY obvious from the outside, but hey, this guy REFUSES to settle. The heart wants what the heart wants. It just seems pretty clear that starting with such a narrow dating pool makes it next to impossible to find someone compatible.
So ask yourself – are you being reasonable with your desires/demands? It’s not my place to say. But play with the percentages and you’ll see. You might think you’re really open, until you realize that 99% of the men in the world DON’T QUALIFY for a first date with you. The charismatic cute guys are emotionally vacant players with money issues, the geeky guys are too bland to be kissable. This is YOUR observation. These are YOUR judgments.
Thus, you have two choices – lower the bar – or steadfastly hold out for that 1% – and hope that coincidentally, that 1% feels that you’re in HIS 1%.
We want everything – and want to give up nothing to get it.
As always, there’s not a right and wrong. But if you really want to be married and find a father figure for your baby, you might have to give up something to get it.
It just seems that no one wants to compromise. We want everything – and want to give up nothing to get it. If you’re a lawyer, refusal to compromise is a terrible negotiating technique. If you’re looking for lasting companionship, it’s probably even worse.
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared.
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