Comments on: Where Do You Draw The Line When Your Girlfriend Asks For Money?

By: Paul

Paul — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 17:21:48 +0000

When this woman made the conscious decision to go back to school… provisions should have been in place for this. I find myself in a bad situation with my girlfriend. Been dating a year but not living together as she is going through an ugly divorce including property settlement. She is paying the mortgage and paying rent on a apartment. She lives with her deadbeat 22 yr old son. She has a good job but is struggling financially and I have helped her tremendously in material and monetary ways… so much so she is now very frequently asking for money… sometimes says borrow. I bought this woman a car only a few months into the relationship cause she didn’t have one and it’s snowballed from there. Now she asks to “borrow” $2000 like it she was asking for $20. I am not made of money and am sacrificing my own well being to help her. When and if I say no to the borrowing.. The world comes to an end and she guilts me by saying I don’t love and support her and makes me feel worthless. I am now insecure because I feel she will leave if I don’t give in to her demands. You struggle to have any self worth when someone does this to you. Who do I blame? MYSELF. And only I can change it and I need to follow this advice I am giving to the first guy…. Get out of that mess. She is making you financially responsible for her bad decisions. Now I just need to do this for myself. : (

By: Androgynous

Androgynous — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 22:20:56 +0000

Summary of the comment posted here :
1) Love means you should do anything, absolutely anything for the one you love (only women took this position – not surprisingly)
2) Love means never putting your loved one in an awkward position or feel pressured or guilted into a decision they may not be fully comfortable with (both men and women said this)
3) There is no such thing as love, only people using each other
4) We need to do what we need to do for our loved ones, but is she a loved one ?
How about another take on this situation ? I don’t know what the law is in the US, but in some Anglo countries (Australia for example, where I live). supporting a “partner” (usually a woman) over a certain period of time puts you in a legal position where you may need to continue supporting her even after a break-up. It is like marriage without actually getting married legally. Especially if the two of you lived together. Even if you didn’t, the other party (usually the woman) can argue that you have made her dependent on you and as a result, she has a legal right to continue to be dependent on you. Good to know what you moral position is, but equally to know what your legal position is.

By: jenny

jenny — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 21:04:53 +0000

It really saddens me to read some of these comments. This woman doesn’t sound like a gold digger; just someone who is trying to better her life, happened to hit hard times and also has 3 children to take care of!

It seems a lot of the comments here were made before Bob inserted the additional details regarding this situation (e.g. his girlfriend HAD budgeted for school but her car unexpectedly “died”, she has 3 children who she doesn’t want to uproot from their home, etc….). The “devil is in the details” as they say. Bob simply isn’t interested in or committed enough to this woman as a potential wife and doesn’t want the financial hassle. That is his right. However, he should be upfront with her or even better, in my book, just let her go and date women casually, as said above.

Here’s my opinion, though……most of us wouldn’t hesitate to help someone or take care of them if that person was sick. Why is it always a big deal when it comes to money? As someone said above, if you really love someone, money is just money. You sure as heck can’t take it with you when you die!

Helping someone in their time of need should be no big deal if you can do it – that is, IF you really DO care for the other. It seems it’s a dog-eat-dog world and whoever has the most money wins. The heck with doing a nice and honorable thing, right?

I don’t care if you’re a man OR a woman - helping someone in need is a selfless and beautiful thing to see. You can’t put a price on love. Well, according to a lot of people on this site………I guess you can. What a shame.

By: ann

ann — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 18:23:28 +0000

Another P.S.! To Bob: I missed your addendum fo your original letter which I found in the middle of the comments. You were very honest and kudos to you for that! Now that I have more of the details the situation becomes crystal clear. You are not ready for a committment and your partner wants marriage. She also has 3 children and wants a husband and step-father. You mentioned that you’d been “burned” in your divorce; another reason why you’re simply not ready. My advice is to let this relationship go so you can find someone who wants a more casual relationship. And please set your girlfriend free so she can find that husband! Thank you for your honesty as it has helped me better understand my own relationship. He’s simply not ready and it would be better for me to move on.

By: ann

ann — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 17:59:42 +0000

P.S. (@ Jester) Jester, men and women are equal but incomes rarely are. I think, absolutely, that it should work both ways. If two people are financially responsible but the woman makes more than the man, then SHE should contribute more. I agree, today there IS a double standard in this area. But again, all of this should be discussed BEFORE committing to someone so that everyone is on the “same page”. Disagreements about money and how it should be divided and/or spent are at the root of many breakups and divorces.

By: ann

ann — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 17:35:13 +0000

I think the last comment by Andy summed it up. I also think Evan made some assumptions after reading the letter that I don’t believe he should have made (since we don’t have the other side of the story – which is most often the case). However, there are a few possibilities here. Nine months is a very short time for someone to expect a partner to help them financially, unless they are engaged or close to it. If that isn’t so, it is presumptuous for the woman to expect him to pay her bills. That being said, if this man lead her to believe that he wanted to marry her, I think it becomes a bit more complicated. If they have a high level of committment, they should have discussed her choice to go back to school and the resulting financial hardship.

It just very simply depends on the level of committment and that is unclear here. In my opinion, I think if two people are deeply committed to each other, then they would want to help the other out when possible. In my case, I’m a divorced mother of two struggling to make ends meet. My boyfriend of 5 years (who has said he wants to marry me) does not believe in helping me pay bills occasionally even though he spends thousands of dollars on himself, has a new sports car and spends hundreds of dollars on video game points every month. Needless to say, I’m re-thinking this relationship. It always amazes me that people have no problem exchanging bodily fluids with each other in the name of love but seem to have big probems being “financally intimate”!!!!!!!LOL

By: Andy

Andy — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 01:01:39 +0000

Dont let love blind you into a bad descision. Never invest in some financially that you aren’t fully committed to in the long-term ie marriage. I know several friends that gave money and cosigned loans to their ex’s and it bit them for years long after the relationship ended. Screwed up FICO and creditors beating on their doors because their EXs couldnt pay the $$ they owed.

By: William Brown

William Brown — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 23:25:56 +0000

I think what Bob should just simply do is pace himself a bit in lending her so much money. He can help her but at the same time he has to help himself as well. It should be done seldom if she just a girlfriend not anywhere close to being engaged. Yes it true a woman do come first but that’s if you live together (which is not really recommended), dating over a certain period of time, or married.It’s good for a man to make sacrifices for woman but he should not give up totally everything for her and that goes for both sex, men and women.

By: Jester

Jester — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 15:46:11 +0000

@ 91 Kat

Regardless of love and what other men give their significant others.

If both men and women are equal then they should be equally responsible for themselves. If borrowing and depending on a gf financially is viewed negatively then it would bad for a women to do so; since we are equal

I think that not lending or giving money to bail out people is the best thing you can do for them. Parents do it, hell everyone does it.

By: kat

kat — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 18:06:58 +0000

Hi bob , or

I read ur message and response and I just have to say don’t let these knuckleheads worry you. Reading ur first letter and the response tells me that this is a lady who is in love with you. And u know what.. I think ur in love with her too but just not ready to settle down yet.

personally I can’t help but wonder why so many people are greedy these days.. if u have the money its not a big deal for you and u love her then not a problem. I mean men buy presents like a louis bag for much more then $1500 for a women they care about.

I think obviously she respects that u won’t do more for her in terms of lending but please do show that u care by buying little gifts and surprises for her. It is after all romantic. And I am sure that if u look hard she is giving u little gestures of love too.