Comments on: Where Do You Draw The Line When Your Girlfriend Asks For Money?

By: benny

benny — Sat, 09 Feb 2013 03:36:58 +0000

rob I feel where you’re coming from. Just alot worse in with $$$ . You think they would treat us better for all the help we gave from our hearts. Its got so bad the only word that describes it is exploited. They know how to ask, when to act really sweet. Then you’re forgotten, up till the point of next months hard times. Been in denial for way to long, time to cut our losses and learn the hardest of ways.. they just broke your heart and left you with empty pockets.

By: rob

rob — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 13:55:25 +0000

OK heres an up to date, November 2012 experience on this scenario. I have just quit a 7 month relationship. I am 46 and can stand on my own two feet, she was a 34 year old, still house sharing, no work, no income, waiting on unemployment hand outs and with a very troubled up bringing, which meant she hadnt seen her mum for 16 years.
SIX weeks into the relationship she asks to borrow 600 euros, yes SIX weeks in…I am a kind guy, i understand what money problems are and what it means to be helped. I lend her some money but not the amount she had asked for.
I paid for everything, her English classes, her books, her cosmetics, paid of course for lunch and dinner, cooked lunch or dinner….we didnt live together…
Well just a couple of weeks ago we had some issues and on the day she wanted to repair and make up was the same day she asked me for….250 euros…….and in the same month that i had already paid her classes, books, cosmetics and perfume….
So i quit, it wasnt just that, she was no being as nice or as loving as i expected and clearly didnt demonstrate the love and cherish that i demonstrated to her….
When I told her it was over, I also told her that she didnt have to pay me back the 150 from May…well she lost it with me and verbally abused me for 20 mins……..nice……
I actually didnt mind taking care of stuff but i started to think that she was taking the piss when i felt unloved, disrespected and other things that i wouldnt expect to see, when i was doing all i could for HER…

So there ya go…..there are some people in this world, who really dont deserve the love and care they receive….

By: marymary

marymary — Tue, 23 Oct 2012 05:23:18 +0000

Bob
draw the line now. A few groceries, meals, days out is fine but subsidising her return to college is not. Thats a luxury few of us can afford. Sure, if you were married and made the decision together, go right ahead. but not while still dating.
and love isn’t doing any thing for the other person. Thats what will get you on judge judy though.

By: Lisa

Lisa — Tue, 23 Oct 2012 04:56:25 +0000

Well, after dating for 9 months, I would feel that we are on our way to marriage. After 9 months, you are not just dating. Donating 12k to my boyfriend just to donate 12k would never make any sense to me. If he is struggling financially and we consider ourselves partners, I would be willing to support him financially. I would expect the same from him. Bob’s girlfriend isnt trying to get Gucci purses and Chanel dresses. She just wants a bit of support so that she can pursue school. Her program is less than 18 months..surely he could willingly pay a few months of the mortgage until she could secure more work or apply for an education loan. Instead, he tells her she needs to pack up her and her three children and get roommates, who are strangers. What a jerk! Bob said he makes over 100k…he could afford to bend a little to make sure she is ok. Instead he LOANs her money. And then tells her don’t expect anything else from him. Honestly, he does not sound like a caring person.

But, I think the bottom line is that Bob just wants to have fun, carefree relationships with no real responsibilities. Which is fine..but he choose to commit to a single mom with three kids.

By: Joe

Joe — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 19:45:25 +0000

So Lisa, would you be willing to donate $12000 per year to a guy you were dating?

By: Mickey

Mickey — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 17:06:09 +0000

Looks like he got taken.

By: Lisa

Lisa — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 06:11:37 +0000

After reading Bob’s update, he just sounds uber stingy to me. He ended up loaning her money, not giving it. It is clear that he just wants something casual. What did you think would happen when you decided to commit to a woman that has three kids? Surely you figured that she wanted things to lead to marriage. That ultimately means she would want a partner that would help her out in her time of need.

By: Fusee

Fusee — Thu, 27 Sep 2012 22:42:25 +0000

Completely agree with Clare @105. Not sure where this sense of entitlement comes from. NINE months of dating and EXPECTING financial support???

Being a responsible adult means having the ability to support oneself. It means spending less than you earn. It means not expecting someone to take care of you and rescue you from unreasonnable financial management.

I would never expect any kind of financial support in a dating relationship or even a marriage, and would never put myself in a tricky financial situation, expecting the partner to bail me. Since the age of 22, I’ve been completely self-reliant, through some LTRs and in singlehood. I make wise financial decisions and take full responsability of their outcome.

The only situation I can think of where my partner would be supporting me financially is if we decided to have kids. Since I would be attached in raising them at home through the first few years of their lives, he would then support us financially while I work full-time towards the well-being of our family. Later on I would go back to the workforce to resume my financial contributions. And yet, this is not an expectation, but a desire that has been expressed, discussed, and agreed upon together.

By: Clare

Clare — Thu, 27 Sep 2012 18:57:11 +0000

I have to say I would never ask for financial support in a 9 month relationship. My dad drummed it into me from the time I was a little girl that I should always be able to stand on my own two feet financially, whether I was married or single, and I really think this is good advice for women, and for everyone. Make your own plans financially, any help that your significant other is prepared to provide is a bonus. Don’t make it about whether or not they love you, make it about your ability to be a responsible adult and take good care of yourself.

Having said that, I think your attitudes about money, like every other aspect of the relationship, have to be in sync. If you *expect* a certain level of financial help or support, he has to be *willing* to provide it, you can’t try to guilt or force him into it.

Speaking for myself though, I always do my level best to see to myself and never ask anyone for anything, but I am more comfortable in a relationship with a man where there is something of an attitude of giving, in other words we would both offer to help each other if we saw the other struggling.

If you have made the unilateral decision to go back to school and make your situation financially harder on yourself, then sorry, that is your burden to carry, and I think you need to make your peace with that before you do it, and not try to shift it onto your boyfriend in any way.

By: Joe

Joe — Thu, 27 Sep 2012 07:18:20 +0000

@Jenny #98
“his girlfriend HAD budgeted for school but her car unexpectedly “died”, she has 3 children who she doesn’t want to uproot from their home, etc….)”

Sorry, she didn’t budget for ANYTHING. Yea, she budgeted for basic expenses and the cost of school, but she didn’t budget for EMERGENCIES.
This woman has THREE children, and she chose to take on that much risk? (Budget only enough to get through 18 months).

“She had no savings” Sorry – that’s irresponsible, especially if you’re going to put yourself into a higher-risk situation than your current one. The responsible thing to have done was take the money that was to be used for school and put it in savings as an emergency fund, THEN start saving for school.

Let’s look at that a little bit- her car died and she couldn’t afford to do anything about it. We’re lacking a LOT of details on this, but even if we knew all of them it really doesn’t matter – it comes down to lack of planning, or lack of assessing risk.What if some other kind of emergency cropped up-say an injury where she suddenly couldn’t care for the kids and had to pay for them to be taken care of for a while? Or the house caught fire? These things happen every day, and are what our grandparents would’ve called “rainy days”. She didn’t save for one.

She let an emotional attachment (“not uproot kids from home”) override a basic financial math problem. Dumb. The house is far less important than your financial stability – i.e. the ability to EAT EVERY DAY, or drive to work to make more money so you can eat and put clothes on your kids.

“Why is it always a big deal when it comes to money?”
I’m gonna get crucified for this, but I’m going to say it and anger a lot of women anyway, because it needs saying: Many women often say this kind of nonsense because they haven’t had to spend their entire lives knowing that the ONLY PERSON they would ever be able to rely on is themselves, and that they would have to support themselves and care for the family around them. Yea, it’s been changing for the last 40 years, but men are still expected to be self-reliant, AND support others, far more so than the expectation for women. Just look at the house-husband ratios, and even the number of comments over on “Do you Expect Him to Make More Than You?”. The plain reality is that boys learn at 5 years old that only they will be the ones supporting themselves. So yea, when it comes to money (my personal security), I’m pretty damn protective.

Money = security, and this woman is assuming she has a right to the security that Bob has probably worked long and hard to establish, and even had the audacity to ask for financial support with an expectation that he owed her that. Crap – I’ve asked friends of 30+ years for money with an expectation that their going to do what THEY deem right.

Sorry-they aren’t married/cohabitating, or have an agreement (i.e. a plan for the future together), he owes her nothing. Now, had he offered money because he wanted to help, that’s different.

Bob’s culpability in this is letting the situation develop without ensuring expectations were clearly defined. I’m assuming that the discussions around her going back to school didn’t really include him agreeing to (or not agreeing to) financially supporting her effort. It was probably ambiguous, and both assumed what that would look like. As others have already pointed out – incomplete expectation management.
Good one Evan!