Comments on: Why Am I Jealous of My Boyfriend’s Ex?

By: Tidesareshifting

Tidesareshifting — Tue, 17 Jul 2012 20:02:35 +0000

I was wondering if a question like this would ever pop up on this forum. I, who prides myself in being sensible and understanding, have a similar situation. I have never felt pangs of jealousy so intense as I do with my current SO. He does nothing to make me doubt him, he’s faithful, loving and I know he cares about me. When I think of his ex though, it about makes my blood boil. I don’t know if I could control the urge to not plow her over with my car if I saw her walking down the street. Well, maybe not quite that bad, but you get the idea. I’ve never even met her, but my borderline hate for her stems from these things I believe:
1. They were engaged
2. She cheated on him and left him
3. She is four years younger than I
4. She is very pretty
5. I was privy to a private written conversation they had spanning a long time frame and read all about his undying love for her, and how he thought they were soul mates, she was the only one he’d ever have a kid with and so on.
This is obviously something I should not have read, but I had access and took advantage of it, now I’m paying. We haven’t gone into GREAT detail about each others ex’s but due to my snooping and checking her out online, I know a great deal about her. I also know she tried to get a hold of him almost a year into our relationship and he ignored her, much to my delight. It angers me that she could hurt him so much and then think he would want anything to do with her, especially after he has already moved on. Sometimes I wonder if I’d feel better if I met her, I really don’t know. He doesn’t know that I know all this stuff, and I don’t let my insecurities affect our relationship. I know this is my issue, as he has done nothing to warrant untrust in me, and I do trust him. I just don’t trust her.

By: L

Sun, 15 Jul 2012 22:19:15 +0000

What if the boyfriend of the OP contacted the ex while he was IN a relationship? I have the “problem” of a wonderful loving boyfriend who says he wants to marry me, but randomly contacted his ex “just to see how a friend was doing”. He said they don’t talk regularly and maybe see each other once every two years. He dumped her ten years ago because he wanted to date a friend who was “more appropriate to be his girlfriend”. Should I worry that my boyfriend is seeking female attention outside our relationship? He likes staying friends with his exs and always seems to be the one re-establishing contact. Also, same question as OP - Does his continued interest in her/ his exs make him shallow/lacking in values too or does this just make him a man?

By: Heather

Heather — Thu, 12 Jul 2012 17:17:40 +0000

I can understand how Smith feels but it sounds like, just based upon the information that we have thus far, like she may not have much to worry about. Now, if her guy is seeing the ex socially without Smith present, talking to her often, etc, then yes that is a big red flag. That has happened to me before and I tried to tell my ex boyfriend that it made me uncomfortable, which resulted in my being lectured about “controlling him.” That relationship ended fairly soon after that nonsense.

It’s not easy, knowing about their exes. I empathize with my guy who knows that my ex husband was physically and verbally abusive, and my guy does try to be sensitive to what I’ve been through. I’m sure that’s not easy sometimes, when I get nervous if his voice is raised, or whatnot. But still. Smith’s guy seems to have chosen her in the end, not the ex.

Just proceed with your eyes open, Smith, that’s all we can do. Keep eyes open and ears peeled, but push on with life.

By: AnnieC

AnnieC — Thu, 12 Jul 2012 13:23:20 +0000

It isn’t about who is hot, or who is the object of obsession the most.

It’s about who wants to be with you and you want to be with him.

There will alway’s be moments, when you think “what-if”? They may be secret little thoughts. He has them too.

But you choose to be togther, your relationship is great, and it’s ultimately about choice and commitment, not a rush you got and can’t quite forget a long time ago.

I’d rather be the woman who grow’s old with her fella, with kids and grandkids in tow, than the woman that was known to be the “obssession of youth”.

What’s important in your life?

By: maria

maria — Wed, 11 Jul 2012 02:09:22 +0000

I think smith is just being insecure. Smith has nothing to worry about .

By: Rochelle

Rochelle — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 18:04:29 +0000

I also agree with Goldie #1

You know there’s always a positive and negative way to look at things. The positive perspective of this translates to you being the woman he really wants (first place) and the ex was just a fall back. He was in relationships with other women while she was around as a friend (likely mainly because she was “hot”) and he says he never saw a future with her. I don’t think you have anything to worry about.

By: K

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 16:04:32 +0000

I have gone through/going through a somewhat situation. My 25-year-old boyfriend proposed then seemed to wonder if the grass was greener. He and his ex started contacting each other and he hid it because he knew I would be pissed. I wondered if the fact that she was living a carefree life in a big city with no expenses and no responsibilities was a turn-on for him. I started trying to act like her and he caught on, saying that version of me wasn’t who he fell in love with. We broke up but have been close ever since, trying to work through things. After reading Evan’s blogs, I don’t check his phone anymore. I deleted my Facebook. If he talks to her still, that’s his choice but his ACTIONS show that he cares about me. And that’s what I have to go off of.

By: Chau

Chau — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 09:43:35 +0000

My greatest fear is not that I am second best, but that I am perceived that way.

Read that again, and you’ll see what you’re really saying- you do feel like you’re second best.

You do see her as a threat…

But it’s fine. You care about your relationship and you don’t want to loose.

Have you talked to him about this? In the niiiiicest way possible?

By: Zann

Zann — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 06:22:12 +0000

I am intelligent, more attractive and I’m not worried that he’ll go back to her, but it really bothers me that he was attracted to someone so shallow to begin with.

Hoo-boy. And how is it not shallow for Smith to not be worried based solely on the fact that she rates herself as more attractive than the evil ex (meaning, looks are what counts).

It sounds to me like Smith is basing her own self-respect on that of her boyfriend’s relationship history. In other words, if he was hot for a shallow woman who tricked him into thinking she was more than she was, then he’s not worthy of Smith’s A-rating. Who hasn’t made bad or impulsive choices based on lust or loneliness in the past?

Smith’s big fear seems to be that others might think she accepted second place. If she really can’t respect her boyfriend based on his history with particular women, she should let him go, because there are plenty of women out there who don’t give a rat’s ass about his previous girlfriends as long as he’s a great boyfriend in the here and now.

It reminds me of the woman who wrote in saying she couldn’t get over the fact that her boyfriend wouldn’t tell her she was hotter than Beyonce, or some other celebrity. If you’re really this thirsty for reassurance that you are the hottest of the hot, as well as the most intelligent and deep, no amount of reassuring is going to quell that.

By: priya

priya — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 05:08:40 +0000

You and all your reader here know that chasing mere attraction is loosing strategy.But how many men know that Evan?
I think a lot depends upon guy’s maturity and experiences.