Why Attracting The Wrong Men Isn’t The Real Problem
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MOST men are the wrong men. If you were an average woman, you’d be able to be with an average man and be content. Since you’re an above average woman – smart, strong, successful – your standards are going to go up accordingly.
By this point, you’ve forgotten the third rule of chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad.
So if, by your standards, 95% of men are the WRONG men, it makes it that much harder to find ANY guy to date, and makes each new man who does qualify seem all the more important. Once a guy passes through your strong chemistry filter, he’s in.
By this point, you’ve forgotten the third rule of chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad.
Which is why you can have incredible chemistry and end up in a TERRIBLE relationship, where he doesn’t call you, doesn’t sleep with you, doesn’t compliment you, doesn’t make you feel safe, and doesn’t commit to you.
But you stick around because of how strong your rare FEELINGS are. You’ve now discovered the real secret to why you’re in dead end relationships:
You don’t attract the wrong men, you accept the wrong men.
If you consistently find yourself in relationships with liars, cheaters, addicts, leeches, or commitmentphobes, your job isn’t to get them to stop lying, cheating, drinking, mooching or committing. Your job is to leave.
At a certain point, it’s not his fault for being fundamentally flawed.
It’s your fault for thinking that your chemistry is powerful enough to change your broken relationship. Remember, most men are the wrong men. Men with chemistry are the ones who break through, but you give them a free pass.
You’ll never stop attracting the wrong men, but starting now, you can stop ACCEPTING the bad behavior of the wrong men… and save yourself years of heartbreak and pain.
P.S. Even though this video is free…don’t discount the value of it. I have talked to thousands of men and women to draw these conclusions. I hope you can break your “bad man” cycle right away!
If you’ve struggled to understand and connect with the “right” men, do yourself a favor and put in your email address. That will put you on my priority mailing list so that you’ll get first notification when my new book comes out.
More importantly, it’ll take you to a special report I just created based on YOUR survey questions, called “The 3 Biggest Illusions You Have About Men”. This is some really valuable, challenging and eye opening stuff, and it’s all yours on the next page. Just put in your email, click submit, and stay tuned for more video updates in coming weeks…
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72 Comments »Filed Under Uncategorized
Rachelle 1
Thanks Evan! I just had an “aha” moment. The last guy I dated, I had instant chemistry. So much so that I ignored the red flags and hung around even when he would not commit to me and was dating other women. He knew just what to do or say (putting in that minimal effort) to keep me around. After one incident, I had to leave. Like you said, it was my job to leave! It’s been almost 6 month’s & I’m okay…and happy!
Evan Marc Katz 2
Thanks, Rachelle. And sorry to anyone having trouble downloading the video. We’re having a few technical difficulties and are trying to sort them out now (9amPST). Appreciate your patience. Hope you enjoy the video!
Kathryn Spence 3
This is a very good message. I know I feel guilty for "attracting" some of the men in my life. I´m getting better than I used to be in screening out the unavailable types, but it´s very nice to know that it´s not because there is something innately wrong with me. I actually do attract some nice guys, too, and being able to say it´s okay to be attracted to this guy – he´s great looking, there´s chemistry, etc., but you know what? He´s not available in one way or another and I´m not going there. He´s not for me! And I´m not a bad person because he was attracted to me.
Thank you, take care, good session last night. Kathryn
Jill 4
Thanks Evan, I really appreciated the comments in this video. I fall into the trap of only being interested in the men where I find chemistry, which is very rare, and then of course they usually end up not wanting what I want. I am curious if you think sometimes women are attracted to men because the men are unavailable. It seems like that is the case with me. If so, what can I do about it?
Selena 5
"You don´t attract the wrong men, you accept the wrong men."
-EMK
BINGO! We have a winner!
sayanta 6
you want to touch him, feel him, breath him in….that’s poetic, Evan.
Ellen 7
Evan – You nailed it with this one!
Patrice 8
Good Stuff, so true and I never looked at it that way! Amazing what an eye opener!
anette 9
Lol!! I think we are addicted to our own brain chemistry…IE the Hi we get from the right (though wrong) male
Steve 10
I have mixed feelings about this video.
The first part of it sounds patronizing to the women viewers. "You are totally wonderful and it is the men who suck". Evan, you know I respect you and that I love reading your stuff, but you are spreading it on a bit thick in this video to flatter your customers/potential customers.
I disagree with the implication that some women are only accepting the wrong men versus attracting the wrong men. I have no proof, but i believe in the truism that you attract what you put out. A dynamic life loving warm person is likely not going to be attracted to a low self esteem cynical person who stays at home 6 nights a week and vice-versa.
Not accepting the wrong guys is a hugely positive move, but just doing that isn´t going to bring the right person into your life. It will just keep the wrong people out.I
MHO, the best thing you can do attract the kind of person you want is to improve your life in that direction ( easier said than done ).
I do think the idea of not accepting the wrong men and in that being power to avoid harm was brilliantly stated.
Tina 11
I loved your second video as much as the first! Your advice is the dead on. I feel so much better already and you seem to know a LOT about what women are thinking. Your perspective is unique and makes me really think. I look forward to the next video and future insights into the dating world. It´s not easy being in this position so words of encouragement are uplifting in a world full of frustration. Thanks Evan!
Dee 12
I too had an "ah-ha!" moment with your latest video blog. Can not wait for your book! Thanks Evan:-)
Evan Marc Katz 13
@Steve – Thanks for your thoughts. Sorry you’re cynical about my motives. I think we’re saying the same thing in slightly different ways. The truth is, Steve, that all of the things that women complain about here are real. Guys do a lot of things out of self-interest that hurt their female partners. This doesn’t mean they’re evil or that women should give up on men. This just means that there’s a reason so many women are down about men, and I wanted to acknowledge that – and remind them that they’re in control of how deeply they get involved with such guys.
You know me, Steve. I’m not a He’s Just Not That Into You guy who tells women they’re perfect and not to “waste the pretty”. I’m all about personal responsibility and action. So let’s agree that the Power of Positive Thinking alone won’t create love, and let’s acknowledge that women have often struggled with men, through no fault of their own.
The whole point of these videos and my upcoming book is to show women how to understand and connect with GOOD men, and dispense of the bad ones quickly. I hope it helps.
Rosebud 14
Evan: I think this is one of your best pieces ever. You are right on!
starthrower68 15
Be a person of integrity and character; then the undesirables will weed themselves out because they won’t be able to handle you.
sayanta 16
#15, Starthrower-
That’s good, but I would add self-esteem to the mix. People might not want to hear it, but a lot of the time, no matter how outwardly successful they are, how nice, accomplished, etc. etc. the troubles with the opposite sex exist because women (or men) deep down truly feel that a balanced, loving relationship is not possible, for whatever reason. And yes…you get what you believe you’re capable of attracting.
Karl R 17
Steve said: (#10)
“A dynamic life loving warm person is likely not going to be attracted to a low self esteem cynical person who stays at home 6 nights a week and vice-versa.”
You’re only half right. The cynical, stay-at-home, low self-esteem person will be attracted to the dynamic, life-loving, warm person. It won’t happen the other way around, however.
If someone is doing the right things to attract a good man (or woman), they’ll attract all sorts of men (or women). The better job they do, the more people they attract. They probably won’t attract the right people by doing the wrong thing, but they’ll certainly attract the wrong people by doing the right thing.
In my dance class, the most desperate man with the lowest self-esteem recently started paying attention to the most desperate woman with the lowest self-esteem. They’ve been in the same class together for almost a year, but it took him that long to work his way down through the rest of the single women available.
Ruby 18
I agree with this, but sometimes it’s hard to know if someone is wrong right away. Some people are very good at hiding or fudging the negatives that they don’t want you to see in the beginning. Obviously, they can’t be on their best behavior forever, but it’s the (often) uncertain early months of dating that many, if not most, of us struggle with, and I think that’s why. The problems start when the issues do come to light and we try to hang in anyway.
sayanta 19
Ruby-
People have said it before, but I think the real problem is that women do see signs very early in the beginning but ignore their intuition for a multitude of reasons (loneliness, desperation, fill in the blanks). I think a case of a guy not giving off some kind of sign, however minute, of being “bad” in the first 2 or 3 dates is very VERY rare.
And even if a guy does behave perfectly- women have been known to ignore past behaviour (e.g. he’s estranged from parents, cheated on a girlfriends, etc.)
Jackie 20
But all those “bad guys” eventually become “good guys” once they meet the right woman. Otherwise, 95% of men out there are scum. To Karl @ 17: You are right; if you are attracted to someone “above” you, the chemistry probably comes from the false hope that this person would somehow make you more than what you are. Relationships among non-equals usually end in heartache.
Karl R 21
sayanta said: (#19)
“I think a case of a guy not giving off some kind of sign, however minute, of being bad in the first 2 or 3 dates is very VERY rare.”
If you go that far, you’ll probably rule out everyone … even the good men/women. Everyone has something wrong with them.
My little sister has been estranged from our parents for over 15 years. She’s been happily married for 10 years. While I agree that it’s a yellow flag that shouldn’t be ignored, it doesn’t necesarily mean that the person is incapable of a lasting relationship.
sayanta 22
karl-
that was just an example just to throw something out there- I’m not talking about people having nothing wrong with them, but just the intuitive feeling that someone wouldn’t make a good b-friend for you
sayanta 23
Jackie #20-
Re: your first line… for real?
How ru defining bad?
carolynstratman 24
I had filled out the survey and one response to a question was that I felt I had settled during my life. This today makes me feel like you listened, it is another way to say it.
Thank you.
Steve 25
Evan, I appreciate your answer.
You’ve written it yourself. Women are the ones who pay for dating/related forums and writings. Their side gets told. The truth is not that men do shitty things to women in the dating/relationships arena . The truth is that *people* do shitty things to each other in the dating relationships arena.
Your point, that these women have control over who they allow into their lives is golden and was extremely well put.
Steve 26
@Karl
Wow, that sounds like one ugly scene that you are witnessing. What type of dance is taught in that class?
Steve 27
sayanta #19 wrote
And even if a guy does behave perfectly- women have been known to ignore past behaviour (e.g. he s estranged from parents… )
I don’t think I’ve read anything this extreme in this comments section since one woman kept insisting that people who had never been married (divorced or not ) by a certain age were damaged goods who were likely to be unsuitable for LTRs.
Sayanta, you may have had wonderful parents growing up or parents who are decent enough to hang around despite parents being able to annoy adult children the way that they can, but not everyone has had that experience.
Some parents are physically abusive, sending their kids to the hospital. Other parents are mentally abusive, telling kids such ugly things that they spend their lives getting over it.
Why would someone being estranged from a person who did those kinds of things to them be worthy of a “sign”? Do you think that they would be less suitable as partners because they choose not to be around someone who caused them large amounts of pain?
Ruby 28
Sayanta #19
But I think we get all kinds of messages from people early on, and some may be negative. We just don’t always know what they mean….do you end a relationship at the first inkling of a potential problem?
I also wondered about the 95%. If that many men are “bad”, and even some of the ones who do jump above the 95% are “wrong”, that seems to leave a very small percentage of men. Then again, I suppose that’s true, given the number of relationships that actually end up working out…are all these men actually “bad”, or just wrong for a particular woman?
sayanta 29
I love how people are jumping on that one line of mine “estranged from parents”- and ignoring the rest of what I’m saying. For Chrissake- I threw that in under “e.g” -for example, is what that means for those who don’t know. My point was that certain things that shouldn’t be ignored very early on, do get ignored. That’s it.
Steven- I’m not going to rehash the details of my personal upbringing here, because- well, that’ll take up the whole blog, and of course, it’s no one else’s concern. You’re absoutely right that some people have been through so much pain that it’s impossible for them to have contact with their parents. Am I saying they’re not worthy partners? No. Am I saying that they may not be the right person for me? Yes. Since I am the one who made the above comment, so naturally I came up with examples that suit me personally. This is not because I think that they’re not loving, open-hearted human beings (look at Oprah!). But you need more than love and respect in a relationship: you need shared values. And someone who’s been estranged from their parents (again, using that example ONLY because everyone’s jumped on it) probably has different ideas and issues regarding ‘family’ than I do. This won’t be a problem if you don’t want kids, but I do, and again, since I’m the one who made the comment, I’m using examples that suit me personally.
Ruby- I think you may be missing my point. Intuition is the key word here. I realize that some people think intuition is New-Age bullcrap. I can only shrug my shoulders at that. Yes, I do believe everyone has intuition, but not everyone uses it- and the more likelihood of having an intense relationship with someone (i.e, a guy you’re interested as opposed to a same-sex member you’re chatting with on the Starbucks line), the more likely it is to kick in.
But intuition is also hard to explain in left-brained terms, so all I can say is, you can dsitinguish early on between ‘petty’ problems and dealbreakers.
sayanta 30
oh- didn’t mean to italicize everything! Sorry!
Melinda 31
Thanks Evan,
I just pulled the plug on one of those horrid “mixed message” guys… you know the guy you’re sleeping with that says he’s thinking about you (after not contacting you for a week at a stretch), but then calls himself “a lousy friend” for not keeping in touch! Ouch! I asked myself: Why am I putting up with that?
I just emailed him a nice, short “thanks, be happy, good luck” note and have decided that there are too many handsome successful guys that are looking for exactly what I am… and this ONE dude is not my be all end all. I saw your video yesterday and this morning, I just woke up and realized that I need to accept the right people into my life.
Personally, I am not looking to get serious right away with anyone, but I do have a standard of treatment I want from a man. If he falls below that equator, it’s my acceptance that’s the problem, not his behavior… I get it now! Thanks!
yvonne 32
Evan’s statement that we “don’t attract the wrong guy, we accept the wrong guy” was truly an “aha” moment for me. WOW! Yes, I was blinded by the chemistry that I had for this particular guy but like Rachelle mentioned about the guy she was with, he only did just enough to keep me around. Finally I had to let him ago because I finally realized that I deserved so much more than what he was willing to give me which was close to nothing.
mic 33
Unfortunately, not accurate. Plenty of women attract the wrong men. Dress trashy and only the bad men will be likely to approach. Or put little effort into appearance and only hypersexual men (often bad) are likely to approach.
juliette 34
so…….. WHAT ABOUT THE CHEMiSTRY PART? DO i go for someone i don’t have chemistry with?????? this question has been eating at me for a few months (ever since i became singLe again- YES, EVAN, i LEFT THE “WRONG MAN”! WOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!). i reaLLy want to make sure my next choice is the “RiGHT” choice. i do nOt want to hurt Like i did and i’m READY for “THEE one.” no more messin’ around! : ) not to brag, but i have a sLew of men pursuing me, i find myseLf intrigued with the ones that seem to have somethin’ eLse goin’ on, Like, perhaps a GiRLFRiEND or the fact that they don’t have the quaLities i reaLLy WANT in a man…
do i go for the dorky one who i’m not physicaLLy attracted to? but has Lots of interesting things to taLk about?
p.s. you are theeeeee BEST!
~juliet~
Freda 35
Bravo Evan. Not only have you given me an AHA moment, but gave my self esteem a little adjustment. As women we can sometime get caught up in the chemistry and believe that love will cure all. The truth is, a relationship is about how YOU feel (as well as your significant other). If it doesn’t feel good, all the chemistry, love, etc., will not cure it. Chances are, the more try to make it better, the worse it will get if the other person is not putting in the effort. I am three months out of such a relationship and am just beginning to realize how exhausting it was. I have learned my lesson and won’t fall for someone that does not make me feel good in the relationship again! Thanks a bunch!
Ruby 36
Juliette #33
I don’t thing chemistry in and of itself is bad. Chemistry that blinds you to the fact that you’re not being treated the way you’d like is bad. Chemistry in combination with a man who treats us well is the key.
Sayanta #29
I think this is an example of what you’re getting at: I’ve had a couple of men tell me that they weren’t really looking for anything serious, but they really liked me, so they were “open to seeing where things go with us”. In the past I would have given them a chance only to be told a few months in, when things were stagnating, that “I told you I wasn’t looking for anything serious” (conveniently leaving out the “seeing where things go” part), but now, as a result of reading this blog, I’ve learned that “not looking for anything serious, but being “open to seeing where things go”, is code for “things are probably not going anywhere, but I’ll string you along for awhile while I get what I want”. I now know that these sorts of comments raise a red flag for me.
sayanta 37
Ruby #36-
Second paragraph- that’s right- that’s along the lines of what I was thinking…
Karl R 38
Steve said: (#26)
“Wow, that sounds like one ugly scene that you are witnessing. What type of dance is taught in that class?”
I’m not certain what difference the style of dance makes. The man knows several styles of dance: a couple types of swing and a few country western styles. The woman probably knows a few styles as well.
In the social dance scene, most people are involved because they love dancing. However, some men and women learn to dance in order to meet potential dates. The people who are out hunting dates tend to stick out like a sore thumb. Ironically, the single people who are dancing because they love to dance tend to end up dating a lot more than the single people who are only dancing because they’re trying to get dates.
The man and woman I mentioned earlier (#17) are both trying to meet dates.
Beth Vesel 39
You don’t attract the wrong men you accept the wrong men. I don’t know why but when I read that statement I just burst into tears. It’s been nearly 3 months since I attracted who I thought was the right man–chemistry, treating me well, unselfishly & then somewhere he got derailed and so did I. Until you made that distinction detween attracting and accepting I couldn’t get out of knowing that a man is into me and cares about me & yet can’t give me what I want. The fact is that he changed–not me and though I attracted him he has rendered himself unacceptable by his selfish behavior, mixed messages and unloving and uncaring actions. If I only have two things to chose from–him or myself I chose myself.
Eileen 40
I am loving these new videos! Keep em coming!
TripleM 41
To Ruby # 36 — So you immediately discard any guy who says “I’m not looking for anything serious, but I like you, and I’m open to seeing if something develops.” ??? People don’t fall in love at the drop of a hat — I can see saying being up front in response and saying “Well, fine, let’s give it a few months, but I *am* looking for something serious, and if this turns out not to be, I’ll be moving on.” But to expect someone who has just barely started to get to know you to say “Why, yes, I know right now that I’m going to want to stay with you and only you forever” just seems . . . odd to me.
Kim 42
Food for thought. I thought I’ve been attracting the wrong guys for the past 5 years I’ve been seriously seeking my life partner. Now a twist to this, that I am accepting them. I like the thought and I think it’s something I can work with because it gives me the ownership- I’m accepting is more of an action than I’m attracting which is more passive. Thank you for that new perspective. It’s definitely something I should work on.
Ruby 43
TripleM #41
No, I have always given people a chance for the reasons you state. Well, fine, let s give it a few months, but I *am* looking for something serious, and if this turns out not to be, I’ll be moving on. is exactly what I’ve said and done in those situations. Of course, you can’t know if someone is right for you immediately. But in my experience someone who is INTERESTED in a serious relationship has that in mind from the get-go. It’s called readiness. The ones who have said “I’m not looking for anything serious” usually aren’t ready, and on some level they are giving you fair warning. Actually, they don’t even want to break up, but would rather keep things casual indefinitely.
Ruby 44
…Or they are just not that into you. Whatever the reason, “I’m not looking for anything serious” tends to be an excuse to keep one foot out the door.
Helen 45
When things are stated in too black and white a format, that’s when I feel somehow uneasy, though it’s difficult to articulate why. I just feel that something is off by labeling each man as either “right” or “wrong.” And the statistic jars me too: 95% of men are “wrong”? I find that very hard to believe. I think most men have the capability of being decent partners; it does, after all, involve some compromise on the woman’s part as well.
But on the other hand, it all depends on how picky both the woman and the man are, and how much they want a relationship. THAT is the ever-moving target, which makes it so hard to slap on labels such as “right,” “wrong,” and 95%.
Lisa 46
Hi Evan! I just wanted to say (as a first-time commenter), this post was GREAT! I absolutely end up in relationships with guys who don\'t make me feel great about myself (not calling, not making plans with me, etc) and seeing this made me realize it wasn\'t that I was a bad girlfriend or doing something wrong–it\'s that I am choosing the wrong guys.
Made me feel a lot better!
Mandy Caron 47
Every moment your spending on a guy who’s not giving you the time of day is another moment you arent looking for the right guy
Luxe 48
This is a great perspective! My problem is, is that I can never really figure out if someone isn’t right for me until I reach my end point. How can you tell if something is minor and something is a breaking point? It’s hard for me to tell because I tend to go about my relationships trying to keep an open mind. Which ends up making me compromise something. I guess only experience will guide you.
Sarah 49
Hi,
Thank you so much for your video and blog concerning attracting the wrong type of men. This video has made me feel so much better and I greatly appreciate it
Karl R 50
Luxe asked: (#48)
“My problem is, is that I can never really figure out if someone isn’t right for me until I reach my end point. How can you tell if something is minor and something is a breaking point?”
In relationships, people’s behavior falls into three categories:
1) their best behavior
2) the way they act most of the time
3) the way they act occasionally
It sounds like the “best behavior” isn’t causing you any trouble. You’re seeing some behavior that you don’t like. You just need to determine whether it’s the way the person acts most of the time, or if it’s an occasional issue.
For example, Mr Right turns out to be Mr Always Right. That’s the way he is most of the time, and it’s probably a relationship killer.
On the other hand, another guy might always insist that he’s right when he’s talking about cars (even if you know more about them than he does). Or he might always have to be right when he’s around his brother … but be perfectly reasonable the rest of the time. In that case it’s an occasional problem. It still might be frustrating, but you can probably work around it if you choose to.
Some behavior is intolerable even if it’s infrequent (infidelity, violence, abuse). If you see a behavior that you find intolerable even on an occasional basis, then you have your answer.
I can tolerate some behaviors even if they occur most of the time. I had a couple girlfriends who were always late. A lot of the time, it didsn’t matter whether we’re “on time” (i.e. if we’re going to a party). Other times, we’d arrive seperately because I needed to be on time. The rest of the time I would convince her that we needed to be there earlier than was actually necessary (i.e. “I’d like to get to the movie 20 minutes early so we can get a good seat.”) We’d arrive just on time, and I was fine with that.
So when you encounter behavior that you’re not fond of, there are three questions that you need to ask yourself:
1) Is this behavior never acceptable (to you)?
2) Is this behavior something you can live with all of the time?
3) If this is occasional behavior, under what circumstances will you have to live with it?
The first two questions you’ll learn by knowing yourself. The third question you learn by observing or communicating with your partner.
Ruby 51
Here’s a line I just read from a dating coach that I think extends what EMK is saying in the video, and addresses what Luxe asks in a very concise way. Sounds so simple, but oh-so-helpful.
Every time you date someone with an issue you have to work to ignore, you’re settling,
How hard do you have to work at ignoring the red flag? Will talking about it resolve it? Is it a deal breaker for what you want long-term?
Evan Marc Katz 52
Actually, Ruby, I disagree pretty strongly with that line. “Every time you date someone with an issue you have to work to ignore, you’re settling.”
Just by using the word “settling” you’re casting a negative spin on what I would call “accepting”. No matter who you date, he’s going to have qualities that you don’t like, that you have to work to ignore. If you expect that the “right” guy won’t have bad qualities, you’ll be waiting a LOOOOONG time for that ship to come in.
My advice is about distinguishing which qualities you SHOULD accept and which ones you SHOULDN’T. Character, effort, and commitment are non-negotiable. Pretty much everything else is negotiable – including some things that you have to work to ignore – height, weight, age, income, education, and annoying habits of all sorts.
Helen 53
Evan #52, I agree completely with you. But then why, in your video, do you imply that only 5% of men are “right”? I should think that significantly more than 5% of men have decent character, effort, and commitment abilities.
Evan Marc Katz 54
That’s 5% by YOUR standards, Helen. I didn’t say they should be that high…
Ruby 55
EMK #52
I probably should have qualified this by saying “…an issue you have to TOO work HARD to ignore.” Personally, I don’t consider “height, weight, age, income, education, and annoying habits of all sorts” red flags, per se. For example, you may want to date someone with an advanced degree, but if you meet a smart person who didn’t attend or finish college, is that a deal-breaker? No, I’m talking about major problems, like addictions, commitment-phobia, or chronic dishonesty (as in character, effort, and commitment”), so in that sense I agree with you.
sayanta 56
Emk and Ruby-
The thing is, I think a lot of the time the issues women ‘work to ignore’ are red-flag issues, in which Ruby’s statement rings true. But if you’re talking about plain annoyance, which I think you are, Evan, then Ruby’s statement seems overkill. I think we just need more definition.
sayanta 57
EMK-
Too bad you didn’t put my comment #56 before Ruby’s- would have made more sense chronologically. ;-p
Luxe 58
Karl @50
Great advise! I really appreciate that. I just started seeing someone new and an trying to figure out how I’m feeling about him. Right now I’m uncertain. But I will think about what you said. Much appreciated!
Ruby and Evan
I get what you are saying, and I think you got a point. I think it will go back to what Karl said in determining if it really is a red flag issue or not. That’s the hardest part in figuring out, imho.
Ruby 59
I meant to write an issue you have to work TOO HARD to ignore.
over40dating 60
Quite an interesting article I must say
Joe 61
It depends what the “annyoing habit” is. Chronic tardiness could be a deal-breaker for some, even if it wasn't for Karl.
Honey 62
The estranged from parents line made me laugh. I talk to my dad maybe 3 times a year and my sister even less (mom died when I was 18 so no talking there). No animosity, they just live on the opposite coast and they are not willing to put in the effort, and after several years I got tired of being the only one trying.
My boyfriend has not spoken to his mom, dad, or brother in over 2 years. But then, I met them and thought they were pretty terrible people, so I am just amazed that he turned out to have a sense of ethics at all (which he does, and one of the best I have encountered).
But I do see how it is a values thing. Jake and I are not having children, so being close with our families is not a priority for us – they are just regular people who can either be worthy of our company, or not, based on their behavior and how much they are willing to try to be a part of our lives. My family is not worth the hurculean effort they require, and his family is downright toxic.
Heather 63
And this is precisely why I haven't been dating for the better part of 3 years. I know to resist the 'bad boys' – it doesn't make it any easier to not get caught up in the chemistry. I've been burned by some nice upstanding guys as well, btw. Things aren't always meant to be. I know when to not accept someone who I am not feeling chemistry with – also a very difficult thing, when you consider how lonely it's been. Chemistry, unfortunately, cannot be faked. I'm very adept at rejecting, culling, screening, and knowing what I don't want. I wish it was a bit easier to accept.
Helen 64
Evan 54: I do not know what you are talking about. You DID say only 5 percent of men are right, over and over again in your video. I never said 5 percent. I have never set such standards in my life, and have been married 10 years.
Evan Marc Katz 65
Okay, Helen, then this doesn't apply to you. The vast majority of my clients want a man who is taller, smarter, funnier, wealthier, has the same values and background, and wants the same things out of life. By my math, that leaves .001% of people. I rounded up to 5%.
David 66
Women just need to take the time to evaluate what personal qualities they want and what emotional qualities they need.
The wrong man is the guy who dosent meet both requirements.
Shannon 67
It really gets me that everyone always wants to put the burden on women. It's not the man's fault for being fundamentally flawed, but it's the woman's fault for dating him. That has got to be the biggest bunch of BS I've ever heard. Men are selfish, lying, unemotional creatures without feelings and I treat them accordingly…that is, until I stopped dating a few years ago. Men only care about themselves; they don't care about others. They don't care about how their behavior and actions affect other people. Why not tell men to improve their behavior? I meet men who say one thing and do another, who put a ton of emphasis on sex I do not give under any circumstances. I was always told by so-called experts that if I told a man I wanted to wait for sex until marriage, he would respect me more. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Men don't wait for sex and they don't want marriage. They don't respect women who don't have sex with them; they will leave and call you a bitch on the way out. So what does that mean for women? We have to give men what they want and never get anything in return? Men need to get over themselves and grow the hell up. About 99% of all men out there are worth less than nothing anyway.
I am extremely picky and you should be, especially when it comes to the person you plan to spend your life with. Any man I decide is worthy of me will be 90% of what I want or it will not work. 85% is too low a standard for me. I don't give second chances; even lying about little things, like birthdays, age, living arrangement or whereabouts is grounds for dismissal–NO EXCEPTIONS. If men lie about insignificant things, they will lie about important things later on if he is not checked. Men don't want to work for anything and that is their problem, not mine. I will not do all the work in any relationship. I work hard and men should too.
Bill 68
@Shannon #67
And obviously your strategy is working, as you said "… until I stopped dating a few years ago.".
Why are you even here? So you've given up on men because you're cynical…then quit men, live without them, but for crying out loud, stop complaining about them. Date women if you think men aren't worth your time.
You obviously hate men, and don't want one in your life. And your denigration of men certainly doesn't make us more sympathetic to you or entice us to actually care about you.
And guess what-if a woman (or a man) continues to date someone who is untrustworthy, or treats them badly, then it is THEIR FAULT for not dumping the loser. They found the true nature of the loser, but stayed with them? That's just telling the loser that their behavior is acceptable!
Good luck Shannon…you need it, and a LOT of introspection, and perhaps some therapy to work through your anger and blame issues. Because until you let go of all the perceived offenses you;ve experienced, you'll remain angry and unhappy.
Diana 69
Ouch Shannon! All I can say is I am so thankful I haven't met the kind of men you write about. I sense you may have been severely burned by a man (or men), but don't let them continue to burn you by giving them this much power over you.
Wendy 70
I am glad I saw this video…
I just ended a “relationship” with a man who I really liked.
we had great chemistry when we had a date but he hardly called or it stayed to 1 date a week way.after noticing things when staying at his house my female intuition took over and I asked him if he was seeing other women (I know bad timing when you already slept together) and he said yes there is someone else too. I walked away at once.
his reply was I have nothing to offer and you deserve the best.
what does that mean when I guy says that evan?
I was so loving our perfect time together, but feeling down in between for not getting more attention so yes now I think I let this happen…
I am a gorgeous woman with talent and great things to offer, too bad some men don’t appreciate this.
thanks for this blog, I have been diving into it…
Karl R 71
Wendy said: (#70)
“what does that mean” “I have nothing to offer”
It means one or both of the following: 1) you want a different kind of relationship than he does; 2) you want a different kind of man than he is.
Wendy said: (#70)
“what does that mean” “you deserve the best.”
He likes you. He wants you to get the man/relationship you want … from somebody other than him.
EastCoastGirlsareHip 72
Evan…thank you. I did not see your video because I was blocked-out, however I read your post. I have always felt that the “he’s just not that into you” book and related concepts were a little harsh on women. To Steve, it is a fact that there is a shortage of good men for the many quality women out there who are looking for them. Just the fact that there are just 2 or 3 men (yourself included) for every woman on these blogs should indicate the uneven level of frustration for women vs. men in finding appropriate partners. There is no need to get bent on Evan supporting women for a change here. Remember, everything is relative. Your view is your view and you may be one of the exceptional, quality men who is just as frustrated as women are. But you are an exception. Men have more dating options than women as men are typically in the driver’s seat with regard to the initiation of relationships. Women are conditioned (and coached) to receive, mirror then decide. Unless you choose to be an alpha female (do guys even want that?) who pursues, initiates and behaves like a man, sorry but most of the time it is the male who pursues, collects numbers, gets the milk for free, looks for the next best offer and then ultimately decides who to commit to. Also, I do not believe that you always get what you put out in terms of attraction. There are strong women who attract weak, insecure men and there are alpha males who attract submissive women. I just may be a very supportive, reciprocal, attractive and kind woman and attract a similar male…the challenge for me is that most of the males I meet have several of these types of women to choose from. Not my fault. What I completely agree with is that “staying” with a guy when you know he is damaged goods falls on me – but I’ve yet to meet someone who shows you these cards on the first or second date.