If it isn’t a big deal, say ‘yes.’ Life is so much more enjoyable when you can easily go with the flow instead of trying to re-direct it every step of the way. 

However, this post did make me uncomfortable, but for a different reason. In the interest of full disclosure, I should explain that I was married for 17 years and said “yes” 90% of the time. Growing up with an alcoholic father I learned never to stand up to a male adult.

Similar to Goldie’s situation, my ex’s contribution to our marriage was a paycheck. He never cooked, never shopped for groceries, never did the wash. I handled all aspects of our lives (kids, money, taxes, home remodeling, etc). He never met our pediatrician or signed a tax return until after our divorce. Anytime I wanted him to help out, I felt like I was inconveniencing him. He also had a temper so I always backed down quickly.

Would you believe that in 17 years of marriage, he never once took me out for my birthday or cooked me dinner? However, I allowed all of this to happen. It took me many years to work through my own issues and realize that I wasn’t lucky to be married to him. That, in fact, the relationship was emotionally toxic for me.

So, does this mean that Evan’s advice is wrong? No. It means that I’ve grown enough in my own confidence to know where to draw the line. I understand and agree that saying ‘yes’ when it’s no big deal is almost always the best response. There are exceptions to this rule, but that’s not what this post is referencing. In a normal, healthy relationship, this advice is golden. And I believe the advice should be applied equal to both parties: male and female.

*I date my age peers, and I understand that the mid twenties is a time of tumult, transition and discovery for many people… I’m just wondering why the journey seems to necessitate divergence in my case..

I understand the spirit of your post, but if you’re determined to try to ride out a relationship with a narcissist, you probably need to go to a professional counselor for that.  I’ve dealt with a few of these; since these types don’t believe they have a problem, there’s no living with them.  It’s not even productive to try.  For a narcissist to stop being a narcissist, he or she has to suffer some sort of event that pretty much shakes their foundation and their unrealistic view of themselves.  That’s a lot more drama than any of us probably want to deal with. 

Who is to blame for you spending 25 years with a narcissist who couldn’t take “yes” for an answer?

You.

If you’re with a man who is “pathologically incapable of giving love”, I’d think you should realize this before you hit the altar and break up with him. No advice. No tricks. No technique.

Dump him.

I know everything that I contribute to my relationship. I know which “little things” actually are big sacrifices for me.

I don’t have that degree of insight into what my girlfriend does, or  what things she considers to be a sacrifice. How could I possibly determine where “halfway” is, when I accurately measure one half, and most likely undercount the other half?

Honey said: (#12)
“many times guys don’t even realize you’re compromising unless you tell them…which kind of defeats the point because then it’s obvious you’re keeping score.”

I really don’t understand what you’re trying to say. What is the “point” that you think is being defeated?

To me, compromise serves two purposes. First, it helps the relationship run more smoothly. Second, it ensures that neither person is constantly giving in to the other person.

If you let someone know that you’ve done something for them, it serves the second purpose. And it certainly doesn’t sound like I’m keeping score when I do it. Probably because I’m not keeping score.