Comments on: Why Chasing Attraction is a Losing Strategy in Love

By: Fiona

Fiona — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 17:24:14 +0000

I think I have a massive problem because either I find men attractive or I just don’t – there are no degrees in between. Objectively I know that some of my exes are attractive to other women and some are not so it is not just about how they look. I don’t know what it is. Worse, it does not get better on the second date, the third date or a month. Like a female panda, it is either there or it just isn’t. I am not really sure what I can do about it if anything. The thought of kissing someone I don’t find attractive is abhorrent, let alone sleeping with them. I had a date last night with a friend of a friend who was really nice, clearly likes me having texted me on his way home, and has already asked if we can meet up again. This happens on most of my dates I have not met in real life – they want to see me again. I enjoy their company but there is no attraction. In real life I don’t have this particular issue as I don’t accept dates unless I find the man attractive. The man I met last night is not objectively unattractive – he’s average – but I am just not attracted to him so not sure it is even fair to meet up again even though I really enjoyed his company. Sometimes I wonder if maybe attraction is there for a good biological reason.

By: Heather

Heather — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 23:13:32 +0000

This article depresses me a little. I’m in a great relationship, at least I think I am. But I still wonder if sexually he wants me as much as I want him? He says cute to bra pics…I mean really? I must be the fifty…not eighty…

By: Kat

Kat — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 23:11:50 +0000

I’m looking for the man who will be beautiful to ME, inside AND outside. And for the man who thinks the same towards me. I want to do all those mundane things, cook dinner together, dress up as pirates & go to renaissance festivals with. Someone who will not mind that I like to sing around the house while I do chores, that I will come up & give him a kiss and/or hug for no reason, who will be my most intimate partner on every level.

I know that I am an attractive, intelligent, well-educated, witty 53-yr-old woman. But I am also a goofball, a klutz, and not perfect in any way. The man who loves all of that will be the one who wins my heart, and he will be the one I find attractive.

By: D

Sat, 03 Mar 2012 06:04:44 +0000

My first reaction to that guy’s chasing? “Ugh, he’s an asshole.”
My second reaction? “I do the same damn thing.”

Karl, if a woman has sex with a man too quickly (I mean even in three/four dates), he will LEAVE. That is INCREDIBLY hurtful.

I am very strong in suggesting to men to never be “the nice guy,” but not an asshole. Rather, I suggest to my friends to work on earning their own internal confidence (meaning to work on what they like/don’t like about themselves, career, creative and mental goals, dress, health, self talk, etc.), and that way they will be able to radiate, “I’m enjoying talking to you, but you are not my end all be all, I have projects, things to do, and there are other fish in the sea.” This attitude of high sense of self and respectful engagement is very attractive to the woman because she feels like he is not 100% laser focused on winning her approval.

And if I meet them they can totally be those fully nice and respectful, but totally emotionally unavailable guys I’m so into

By: AnnieC

AnnieC — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 11:36:04 +0000

@4 Learn to read?

Women who are not lusting after a male, would actually like to follow your rules. Except your rules, are about a woman indicating sexual interest toward a man before she is ready.

It’s your biggest Gap Evan when relating to women.

You misunderstand the female sexual side. yeah..you really do. Women would like to get to know a man who is nice. Women “gain’ attraction over time.

Men…see “I wanna have sex”…then figure it out after

You really aren’t paying enough attention.

By: JM

JM — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 00:00:51 +0000

I find that when there is hot chemistry, everything else that’s important gets swept under the rug.

“I can’t trust him, but he’s hot!”
“He has no goals in life other than the gym, but he’s hot!”
“Maybe he has three baby-mamas, but he’s hot!”

Over time, the hotness fades, resentment is born, people get hurt, and meh.

In my opinion this is why internet dating does not work. People want chemistry and they want it during that first meeting or on the first date. If it’s not there, it’s over. In real life, you meet someone, get to know them through work, school, sports, friends, etc. and that chemistry can develop over time. If you want to see more of someone from the internet and you think they are great but don’t know yet if there will be amazing chemistry, that means more one-on-one dates, which means you’re dating, and then there is pressure, etc.

I think you need to find a happy medium. Looks do change, but a person’s character is their character. And, you need to give things time to develop. The most attractive people can quickly become unattractive with bad personalities, and people you don’t find attractive can become attractive with time.

By: Ann

Ann — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 01:59:45 +0000

My current boyfriend did not attract me at all when I saw his picture on-line. His initial e-mail from the on-line dating website was so laid back though, that I thought I wanted to talk to him for a while on-line. As i talked to him, I found out that he checked off a lot of the boxes that I wanted in a potential life partner. He was confident, flirty, compassionate, empathetic, affectionate, cared for others (even when he really didn’t want to), could bring me out of my shell, made me feel very beautiful and sexy, etc. Now when I look at him, I don’t know why I wasn’t attracted when I first saw him on-line.
Sometimes I think we, as women, are so focused on what we want the men in our lives to be that we fail to stop ourselves and realize what they are. Men need us to love them for who they are and not the potential that we see in them to be our ideal men. We’ll just be disappointed if we only love the potential.
I can only speak from my experience. Yeah, my boyfriend isn’t perfect. He has done some jerky things. I’ve had to give him quite a few Mulligans and have made the choice not to be upset by the little things that are him and just won’t change. He knows when I am upset (which is rare) that he needs to listen and he does. He makes choices that tell me he listened and heard what I needed. He is willing to give me what I need and I give him what he needs. I am happy and so is he. And my happiness far out weighs getting a perfect 10.

By: sarahrahrah!

sarahrahrah! — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 19:55:05 +0000

@Rina – #7

You are a cynic, but you speak the truth!

“I’m a 10 and my spouse is an 8. Therefore I can do better and I will step out and find another 10. Meanwhile, I will treat my spouse like crap so that they will break up with me and I can still play the victim/good guy”
Substitute earning capacity, age, etc for the attractiveness scale and you’ve got the same paradigm.

You are dead on. I was married to a highly successful man and that was the story of our relationship. I think that good looking, successful or intelligent men can still possibly be decent, but they have to have some kind of fatal flaw keeping them humble, i.e. a disability, etc.

By: Christie Hartman

Christie Hartman — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 23:11:59 +0000

Evan, I loved the description of your home life. It sounds very much like the one I have with my husband (we both work at home too). And it is really great!

I liken chasing chemistry to wanting dessert. Dessert is awesome, but it’s much better with a nourishing meal. Compatibility is the nourishment. In the end, when you’re with someone you love being with, you don’t CARE how tall/rich/hot/young they are. Find that person you love being with!

By: Joyful Girl

Joyful Girl — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 21:32:10 +0000

Hm. I don’t know about this one, EMK. “…wouldn’t it make sense to find a partner who’s compatible in all those other areas?” Maybe… but then I’d just be dating my girlfriends. And they, by the way, would totally be supportive when I had a “fat” day.

There’s some missing element, not yet addressed. I think we’re calling it chemistry. And though some of your bloggers are claiming it’s superficial and exclusionary, I don’t think we are all attracted to the same set of “hot” factors, and I don’t think they are all superficial. White teeth are great, but quick to smile is hotter, for example, in my book.

Other respondents have indicated that they weren’t “at all attracted.” Can you speak more to that? I ask, because it seems to be a common theme with a lot of my friends, right now. Potential partners “look good on paper,” and there are a hundred, logical reasons to continue to date this person, but the idea of a kiss goognight ranges from about as exciting as watching paint dry to just the polite side of cringe-provoking.

Would love to hear more from you on this.