Comments on: Why Did The Romance End After He Proposed?

By: marymary

marymary — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 21:12:35 +0000

Cat5
my take on walking away that it can trigger a chase response in some men, but it can be more about wanting to win than wanting you. For me personally all it did was extend the relationship beyond it,s natural expiry date.
real change take such self awareness, commitment, willingness, time and motivation that i just wouldn’t count on it. He has to want to do it for himself first and foremost, not because someone else wants him to. And sod,s law if he DOES change he wants someone new to match the new improved him! Not that there is anything wrong with the previous person, i think he will not want to be reminded of what he used to be like. That,s my take on it as someone who did change. I reckon it took over three years to change my bad relationship habits though i admit i was a bad case. I wouldn’t want any of my exes back. Even the good ones. I couldn’t stand the embarrassment!

By: Karmic Equation

Karmic Equation — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 17:22:00 +0000

@Cat5 62

Well, I have a unique situation in that the bf wanted marriage and I don’t. So my problem wasn’t getting a commitment. My problem was trusting that he would stay committed. Remember my bf is a refomred player, who actually has more red flags than “green lights” to recommend him.

The short answer is that I think the length of time between walking away and walking back depends on the combination of nature of what needs to change and the expected shelf-life of the relationship. When I first got involved with him (March 2012) I was only interested in a transitional relationship with a guy that I knew wouldn’t require me to commit emotionally (e.g., “player”), so my standards were pretty non-existent, as I wasn’t looking for a bf (just ended an LTR painfully) and needed a distraction.

I gave this some thought, and I think, for me personally, I have different standards for different relationships.
1) ONS – (attractive, hygienic, not a serial killer/rapist)
2) FWB – Something in common in addition to sex, plus all the standards of (1)
3) BF – Good character, exclusivity, consistency, good communications, plus all the standards of (1) & (2)
4) Husband – Good decision-maker, shared values, shared life-goals, plus all the standards of (1), (2), and (3)

I never saw him as marriage material…and actually was skeptical that he’d be a good bf. He surprised me in that he was actually doing some BF things well and consistently. Calling everyday (twice actually); telling me he loves me; I give him credit for trying to be a good BF, but I always felt he was more of an FWB+ (“+” being exclusive), but our relationship was failing on the communications side. Being a narcissist, he’s never wrong, which is totally frustrating when you want to talk about something that is bothering you. And he wasn’t consistent on some other behaviors, which made me distrust him so he was failing the trust part, too, and I wanted him to change behaviors not mindset. So I actually HAD to walk away for him to understand that he’s not the center of my world.

Behaviors you can’t see change unless you’re participating up close, so I went back and he did change the behaviors (though started to revert back by week 4, but not to the same degree that made me walk, so I put him on my mental short leash for the last two weeks).

I’m speaking in the past tense because I’ve walked away a 3rd time (in six weeks) — and this time, the changes I want are mindset-related (how to be a “good guy” instead of a shady “bad guy”) in addition to the behaviors. I don’t have any confidence that he will change them. He broke a promise, and the breaking of this particular promise (not fidelity, in case you were wondering, although it’s possible he could have) — proved to me beyond a doubt how untrustworthy he was. So going back to him would require demonstration that he actually has changed…but untrustworthiness, alas, is a character flaw expressed by behaviors…so getting back is slim to none.

As well, now that I’ve healed from my last LTR and am ready to “fall in love” again (I loved my player bf, still do, but I’m definitely NOT “in love” with him and never could be with him the way he is) — I will raise my standards back to “husband-worthy” (even though I’m not planning to marry again). I’m just ready for a “quality man” now, which my reformed-player bf was not.

By: Cat5

Cat5 — Sat, 12 Jan 2013 18:43:57 +0000

Evan has always said that if you want to find out if a man will commit, walk away and see if he follows you.

Karmic Equation said @15: “Walking away is hard. I actually did it twice in 4 weeks with my guy. And each time, he did come back after me. Now we’re back together and the relationship is the one I want. It didn’t actually get better until I told him I loved HIM but HATED our relationship.”

That got me to thinking…if you walk away and he follows you…how long should it take for him to do so? A day? A week? A month? Six months? A year?

If you are having enough trouble in your relationship that you walk away, and he follows you, should you immediately take him back? How does that help? When I read Karmic Equations comment, I thought you walked away twice in a month, and now you are happy? The relationship is the one you want? I couldn’t help but wonder, how does that happen so quickly? Or is he just faking a future to keep you in his life? How could he have made any serious change or shift in his mindset so quickly? Should you get back with him to give him time to prove it is a true change? But how is that different that what you’ve been doing all along? Isn’t it just the same old b.s. you’ve been putting up with all along with a different spin? Shouldn’t he have to prove the change before you give him another chance?

P.S. This post is not directed at Karmic Equation specifically, I was just using the situation Karmic Equation described above as an example.

By: Valley Forge Lady

Valley Forge Lady — Sat, 12 Jan 2013 09:09:12 +0000

Comment to Pe. I would love to believe your story of love redemptiom by simply making the man miss what he almost loses. Sounds like something out of bodice ripping romance novel or TV soap opera. This kind of behavior keeps people in on again / off again relationships. People keep jumping off the romance merry go round and revert to their old self centered ways once the deal is closed.
I would buy the movie rights to a true story of this ever occuring. I am not holding my breath.

I believe in true love but there are a lot of poseurs out here workig their games skillfully and it is hard to call them on it because you have to admit you have been played. I have been taken on this ride and it ain’t happening again.

BTW. the scam happens to both men and women so no man bashing here!

By: Pe

Pe — Sat, 12 Jan 2013 00:30:27 +0000

m…listen Lee, when u change UR attitude u change the game. Before u consider leaving give it one last shot but u HAVE to change ur attitude. Stop the crying and complaining, he is acting like a man who feels like he “got” you and who feels annoyed with you, he doesn’t feel inspired to act romantically anymore because he knows that whatver he says or does you aight going nowhere, which sounds like is pretty much true. Start by not wearing the ring anymore when he ask why you say: “i wanna see how this goes before i start wearing it again…”shock wave ! now U are the one deciding when and if U want to marry him, only if he ask u what r u talking about? say: i don’t feel happy because my needs are not being met, and don’t want to get married in this conditions and i agree u do have problems that needs to be fix first. oh yeah ! and start acting like you mean it, stop going to his house, stop calling him, stop meeting him half way, stop doing things for him, don’t answer his calls in lightening speed, go out with friends, dress like a single and fun woman would do, when he’s not in front of u forget about him. But when he calls, comes to see u be open and calm. Trust me what i’m telling has worked for the best in my life ,he WILL do another 180 degree turn again. good luck

By: Joe

Joe — Thu, 10 Jan 2013 15:01:36 +0000

@ Nicole: once again, missing the point.
Feel free to chastise me for saying that you know nothing about menstruation, but that is not what I said. What I was pointing out was that you were busting on Karl for saying menopause lasts 20 years when that is not what he was saying at all.

By: marymary

marymary — Thu, 10 Jan 2013 14:29:29 +0000

if someone has had a horrible marriage followed by a bad relationship, he or she must look to why they chose these relationships and why they stayed in them. It’s not to make Lee feel bad but to avoid calamity no. three. It’s not as simple as just blaming the exes. We have to learn to make better choices.
I am sceptical that a man who genuinely loves you will suddenly switch after two years. Was there no sign of it before?
facebook, msgs, cards and flowers are not commitment and love. Feeling like a teenager and being swept off your feet are counterindicative of a solid relationship. In relationships we should expect some doubt, fear, and conflict. commiment is a big deal and requires sacrifice and compromise. We acknowledge it, we communicate, we push through it. If your relationship is all hearts and flowers and cards and facebook and sex, it’s just not real, and when reality hits it will fold.
We can call him a bastard and chalk this up to random bad luck but I don’t think that will help Lee moving forward. It will simply free her up to repeat the experience. New man, same relationship.
I agree that a full and happy recovery is possible but it’s not when you meet the right person. It’s before that . And then you meet the right person. Relationships are the worst place to work out childhood issues, previous bad relationships, a horrible marriage, low self-esteem. You just get run over again.

By: Valley Forge Lady

Valley Forge Lady — Thu, 10 Jan 2013 01:56:53 +0000

Alert! Will the lady who started this discussion please check in and tell us that she realizes that the guy is a jerk, she has moved on and that her hormones have nothing to do with this situation.
Also, if the guy sees the light in a couple of months, please keep running away. He is just lonely and horny. HE HAS NOT CHANGED.
This blog has attracted a lot of attention because we have been here. However, time does not change these fools. A guy who dumped me 5 years ago popped up over Christmas. PS he is married. I told him to get lost and warned him the police would be called if he ever showed up. RUN BABY RUN…….Let us know you get this!!!! The suspense is killing me!

By: Nicole

Nicole — Thu, 10 Jan 2013 01:17:55 +0000

@Joe, yes, thank you, as someone who actually is a women, I totally do not understand menstruation and need a man to tell me how it works and when it ends.

By: maria

maria — Thu, 10 Jan 2013 00:07:13 +0000

Men are competitive. He probably feels like he doesnt have to do all that anymore.

I would say step back. Go on a girls trip. When you come back you will have some flowers and dinner.

LOL@get a boy toy! LOL!