Why Do Alpha Males Cheat on You?
It would be tempting to say, “because they can”, wouldn’t it?
Really, it doesn’t seem to be that complex. As noted in this Time Magazine article, modern-day men of power — Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, John Edwards, John Ensign, JFK, FDR, and most recently, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dominique Strauss-Kahn — are noted for their serial wives and philandering. No need to get started on the rock stars and athletes who fit the same profile. What do these people have in common?
Three obvious things: Power, money and opportunity, which means access to women and considerable travel.
Cheaters not only think they won’t get caught, they think they’re above the law.
What the Time article also notes is something I hadn’t considered before, the point in life at which unusual privilege was first conferred.
“Members of royal families are born into a world of indulgence and entitlement, and the princelings who grow up that way may never have to develop the emotional musculature that will allow them to show self-restraint. Athletes often start life at the opposite end of the wealth and prestige spectrum, but as soon as they exhibit an unusual talent for swinging a bat or sinking a free-throw they may find that the rules have been suspended for them. They are waved through school and into the pros, and incidents of bad behavior are overlooked or covered up. Any skills they may have been developing for self-control or self-denial quickly wither.”
In other words, if you didn’t “make it” until you’re 40, you’re more likely to have built up some measure of restraint and humility that prevent you from infidelity. The common thread among the rich and famous is that they’re so used to having whatever they want whenever they want – they’re so not used to hearing the word no – that they actually forget or ignore that normal rules are supposed to apply to them.
As I’ve written before, Tiger Woods didn’t take the time to make a pros/cons list before cheating. If he had, he never would have done it.
Pros: Fucking a waitress in a Denny’s parking lot. Very hot!
Cons: Losing my wife and kids, losing all my endorsements, losing a few hundred million in a public and messy divorce, losing the respect of the world, losing my golf mojo and confidence, possibly forever.
Cheaters not only think they won’t get caught, they think they’re above the law.
What’s sad is that, unlike Tiger Woods, they rarely face great consequences for their behaviors. Their wives take them back and other women continue to want them despite their considerable narcissism and character defects. Way to teach ‘em a lesson, girls!
Read the full article here and share your thoughts below.
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47 Comments »Filed Under Cheating
Tina #17 James Bond is a...
Julia 1
ummmm thanks for blaming all women. Many of us have never been the other woman and have no intentions of doing so.
Jackie Holness 2
Why do alpha males cheat? Chris Rock says a man is only as faithful as his options…LOL…alpha males tend to have more options…
Jenna 3
An alpha male isn’t just a famous, powerful male – to be honest, I think of guys like Evan as alpha males, and Evan isn’t a cheater. To me, an alpha male is just a guy who is confident, has a lot of options, and likes to lead and get his way. There are also plenty of beta males who cheat. One thing I’ve observed watching the behavior of betas is that if they don’t have enough confidence and experience they can be prone to cheating as well.
Still, at times I just can’t help but look down on some of the women who marry the stereotypical famous powerful alphas described here – women like Jackie Kennedy who surely knew her husband was cheating on her but must have been so vain and power-hungry, so lacking in morals and self-respect, so uninterested in real love, that she turned the other way. And people have the nerve to consider her an icon of class! Some of the women who marry these types of cheating alphas are nearly as bad as their husbands, they consider marriage a transaction where they can step up in the world and don’t care about honest love with a regular guy.
Marcia 4
ahahahahha! Your last sentence is the best because it’s really us Women to blame!
Cat5 5
I have known a number of professional athletes, alpha males, and narcissists…it’s not fair to blame women for “excusing” their behaviors.
It is a societal problem…it’s on everyone — their mother and father, their siblings, their teachers, their employers, their buddies, their significant others — everyone. Because the sad truth is most people have made excuses for them and/or accepted excuses from them. As a result, they have never learned that there are consequences to their actions because they keep getting a free pass. Most of them don’t understand that just because someone offers you a free pass doesn’t mean you have take it, or that you should ask for a free pass.
Even if one person does stand up to them and does not excuse their bad behavior, they don’t believe they are the problem because pretty much everyone else still accepts their excuses and/or makes excuses for them.
Cate 6
Two science-based facts provide clues: As men gain power, influence and success, their testosterone levels rise. Not only does this make them attractive to more women, but makes it doubly (or even ten times!) harder to resist sexual thoughts and urges.
A related fact is that willpower is actually a limited resource… if we need to use it a lot we can actually use it up, on a daily basis. Put these two things together and you get the scandals we see.
Sorry I don’t have the studies at hand, but there has been research showing these things to be true. Perhaps it provides a source of a tiny bit of compassion?
melie 7
Hmm. Having been cheated on by an alpha, I believe they cheat because they need the chase and conquer high, constantly. They love their wives and children, jobs, etc. and they believe the rules are different for them. And there are plently of women willing to lift their skirts, lowering their own moral standards, to be with alphas. I think it is disgusting! I would never be the other woman and I can’t understand so many womens willingness to do so. I refuse to be friends with women who think it’s okay to be with someone elses husband or boyfriend; it is the ultimate betrayal to their own gender!
melie 8
A man can’t cheat if someone isn’t willing to cheat with them!
maria 9
Extremely successful powerful alpha males will always cheat. Hell, the less powerful men cheat at times until a horrible STD teaches their lesson.
There is no need to get defensive when stated it is the woman fault for this. It is.
No matter what you say, we are ridiculously attracted to these men and these men know it. It is a ego boost to even have one night with them.
If you are “pretty” enough to attract them, you feel like you can attract “more” and eventually get what you want.
Do these girlfriends/wives get cheated on. YES. And they know it but they play by the old age rule -”turn the blind eye”. WHY?
Well , its either struggle and work at a regular 9 to 5 job living pay check to pay check eating noodles and being “good” oh because “I would never”
OR
Turn the eye, live off of the millionaires income. Have his kids. Go work out. Go shopping. Stalk his other girlfriends on social media. Buy 1200 shoes. Be a part of a “society”. Eat holistically. Drive 100k Cars. , The list goes ON AND ON AND ON AND ON.
Most women look at the benefits rather than the “Cheating”, especially if you have a “business” mind.
Sorry to say guys, but these women look at this as a come up or business.
Everything else is thrown out the door.
Dont like it but it is what it is.
Androgynous 10
Read articles on the manosphere (men’s forums) which claim that alphas DO NOT cheat – they openly date other women, with or without the consent of women in their lives. If there is any cheating, it is done by Betas – who are too weak to resist the temptations of forbidden fruit, and who are too afraid to suffer the consequences of their indiscretions. There is no need for alphas to cheat – they tell their women they are not exclusive and do not want to be. The women can like it or lump it. Alphas do not get married if they do not want to – they actually think, in some strange way, that dishonesty and all the skullduggery is actually beneathe them.
starthrower68 11
I tend to run screaming from alpha males. I find them too intimidating and unnerving.
Henriette 12
I believe that Alphas and Betas both cheat equally except Alphas have more opportunities and options.
Honestly, most of the Alphas I know put their sex lives low on their priority list; they’re generally workaholics who get their hard-ons training for triathalons or boasting about their latest takeover to cronies on the golf course.
The situation I encounter more often is wives of these Alphas who are bored, lonely and not getting their sexual needs met. They prowl the country clubs and restaurants with their girlfriends, hitting on bartenders, waiters and massage therapists. (You should hear the stories one pal, a handsome FedEx delivery guy, tells about being propositioned by – and, often, gladly accepting – these women!) They’re usually pretty brash bc a. their marriages were rarely true a love matches to begin with and b. they know their Alpha husbands are generally too concerned with the bottom line to ever risk Losing Half in a divorce.
Here’s a question, though. Do you think that many Alphas look for different things out of marriage than regular guys? For example, I think most politicians (including JFK and Clinton) married women for/with whom they are neither crazy hot nor lovingly comfortable, but rather whom they believe would make sensible political wives. And if these fellows see their marriages as strategic alliances, on some level sleeping with other women doesn’t feel like cheating since it’s not betraying what’s primary between them: the shared goal of getting/staying elected.
Androgynous 13
Regarding Bill Clinton, I don’t think he cheated on Hillary because I’m sure she is well aware of the man she married, and had tacitly agreed with him to close an eye to his womanising ways as long as he did not openly humiliate her. Jackie Kennedy was cut from the same cloth. Many women married to Alphas or super Alphas know the score, and their husbands have made it clear to them that one woman is not enough for him. These women stay because they gain some utility from the marriage – kids well taken care of, financial security, fame, power whatever. It all becomes unstuck when the affairs becomes public knowledge and the wives have no option but to appear outraged and hurt because the public expects them to. They are not good wives and women if they allow their husbands to stray because traditional marriage is not like this and the poor women have to live up to some conservative traditional view of marriage and wives.
Jack 14
The main reason is immoral women throw themselves at them. Power, wealth and fame is an aphrodisiac to certain types of women. Men are not immune to being accosted by women all the time. Sooner or later some men will make mistakes. It just reality of humanity. You can’t be surrounded by temptation all the time, its too hard for most.
Now most men don’t have that problem.
What about cuckold husbands. To me that’s the worst than an affair. An estimated 10% (to 30%) of husbands are raising a child thinking the child is theirs.
Ellen 15
I think we need to broaden our definition of the typical alpha male. WAY too much generalization going on here for my taste! I know PLENTY of alpha males who are super moral, they just like to dominate and win more than betas. Tend to be more fearless also. My Dad was an alpha male much like Evan, and he never would have cheated on my Mom.
Ditto my current boyfriend who is alpha, decidedly. He is an alpha with tons of character, never married (by conscious choice, decided that early in his 20s, not for him), not a skirt chaser though, picky, but clearly an alpha in his approach to life and how he commands other men, both in business and in his social life. Lots of men look up to him. Seen this first-hand. A natural leader. Admired by many for his authenticity and courage. Generosity also.
Determined to win despite great odds in his current business situation.
But again, he is 58 so maybe he has mellowed, but I have questioned him about his past relationships (gingerly) and while he has gotten plenty of tail, he only cheated once- in his twenties. And somewhere in his late 40s he started to look earnestly for a long-term relationship. His mistake was only dating younger women til me. And he seemed to not put a whole lot of thought into the type of women he was pursuing either. I am the most educated, sophisticated, toughtest emotionally, successful monetarily woman he has dated to date I think.
In short, I am every bit as good a catch as him and an alpha female so we have that in common- and I’ve let him know it. I project, I think, after all these years, a certain fearlessness (even after I’ve bonded, slept with the man yet) that communicates to the man “treat me well or I’m gone”. So, even though an alpha, he fell in love with me- hard- and me with him- hard- and so I have been successful with an alpha male. LOL
So could we stop with all the melodramatic generalizations wherein all good alpha males are lambasted and denigrated endlessly? The world NEEDS alpha males, alpha females. The central, universal, and metaphysical lesson right now is to become fearless- I see this in the news, in politics, in our towns, on the street! Time to be fearless or destroy ourselves and each other with our silly fears, which are endless imo. NRA are you listening?
PS sorry to recount my entire life here but I need to make needed points.
Evan Marc Katz 16
@Julia, @Marcia, @Cat5 – Fascinating that I can write a post excoriating alpha males for being arrogant, entitled, amoral, narcissistic and defective and you seem to think the post is about “blaming” women. No one is blaming women for cheating men.
But who’s fault is it that women go back to these guys? Is it the cheating man’s fault? Or the wife who refuses to walk away?
Daphne 17
I divorced an alpha-male husband who cheated on me, and then ignored my ultimatum to stop. He immediately remarried, to his mistress. The only way to respond to people like this (inc some women alphas) is to simply divorce them. You can’t change such people, and if you stay w them you can end up very bitter even if you have money.
Jennifer 18
Androgynous #13- agree completely. I think there are a lot more ‘arrangements’ in marriages than we the public are privy to. And that would be find if we didn’t insist upon making it our business.
Julia 19
Well Evan I would say there is partial responsibility but more is laid on the man that is cheating than the woman who doesn’t walk away. Saying men cheat because of women is a cheap cop out. Also you wouldn’t allow us to make blanket statements about men and yet you seem to do so with your final remark. Its all of our fault because none of us can resist them. Screw that, more people don’t cheat/are the person someone cheats with than do.
David T 20
I think having your life changing immensely shakes our mental foundations. This can result the in loss of moral compass and overindulgence in many aspects, not just sex. You see it with many suddenly famous folks acted out in drug use, psychiatric collapse, over indulgence in sex, etc… Older folks have a harder time adjusting to sudden changes, but many famous children lose their way too.
Illustrated in this thread is how the “alpha” and “beta” terms are used so much and with so many generalizations that they have lost a lot of their usefulness in discussions on this blog. Does it refer to confidence level only? Does it refer to willingness to settle down with one partner? Does it refer to being pushy (some very under confident men are VERY loud and pushy…some confident leaders are happy to step in and push their will only when the folks on their team need to change the course they have plotted or are floundering directionless.) Does it mean “extremely sexually attractive?” Granted there are overlaps and some correlations between all those, but the terms are fuzzy enough that it seems like people here talk past one another when they become central to a discussion. Its up to Evan to run the show here, but I would encourage trying to use other words or phrases to describe the behaviors you mean.
@Evan 16. Some readers took it personally that you said “way to teach ‘em a lesson, girls” instead of naming each conciliatory partners of the famous philanderers you listed. They took that as literally you faulting all women for some reason. Last thing people read is often what sticks best.
Oh, and Strauss-Kahn? Regardless of [the maid at the hotel in New York] Diallo’s credibility being too weak to establish “beyond a reasonable doubt” to a jury, there are enough other complaints around that particular creep that I think he deserves the sex offender label, not just the cheater label, though he is no doubt that too.
Evan Marc Katz 21
Point well missed, Julia. Of course it’s his fault that he cheated. Do you think there’s anything to learn from me saying what’s patently obvious? What’s HER responsibility? To leave. Not to keep pointing fingers, saying men are bad. Duh. Do something different to get different results.
Liz 22
I agree with the comments about traditional “Alpha males” not cheating, or hiding their appetite for multiple women. In my profession, I am dominated by these men and often become very close to them, due to us working together. They are very honest with women they are with. They tell them very quickly they are not looking for a commitment, cannot make them a priority, and in a traditional relationship they would eventually fail because they have no desire to be home every night and be confined. However they are so intoxicating, women hold on thinking I will be the exception to the rule, I will be the one with my love to change him. These men (and there are exceptions) tend to settle down around 55-60. Then the game is done, the allure of chasing women all over the states lacks appeal for them. At that point the virtues of a long term partner are what they seek. I see it everyday. I am split on this subject. It would make a good column. Do you appreciate a man’s honesty in this regard, or is it just an excuse for bad behavior? All of us have had dates who’s intentions were not clear or deceptive. With these men your role is defined. Be engaging, ask no question, be receptive, and be available when he wants to rest his head. In exchange, you are provided with a very powerful intense connection, great sex if that is your thing without commitment, bagging a highly desirable man, you are taken care of, however, you also have to look at yourself in the mirror everyday. Ugh don’t think I could do any of it. Don’t like to share
Cat5 23
Evan,
The last line of your post says, “Way to teach ‘em a lesson, girls!” That is your comment to which I am referrring.
The problem isn’t just that “girls” should teach a cheating alpha male, athlete, or narcissist a lesson when they are cheated on by them. It’s that society needs to teach them a lesson long before they are adults by not giving them free passes when they are younger so that they learn there are negative consequences to their actions.
Or do you think there is not a correlation between the athlete who is passed from grade to grade throughout his education despite his inability to pass the tests because of his athletic talents…and the professional athlete who thinks it’s okay to cheat on his wife as long as he gives her a big enough diamond when she finds out?
Evan Marc Katz 24
You’re missing it, Cat5.
You said, “The problem isn’t just that “girls” should teach a cheating alpha male, athlete, or narcissist a lesson when they are cheated on by them. It’s that society needs to teach them a lesson long before they are adults by not giving them free passes when they are younger so that they learn there are negative consequences to their actions.”
You’re missing it.
Since you can’t make “society” teach men lessons in consequences, the ONLY thing you can do is to refuse to put up with bullshit from the narcissist. It’s not on “society” when it comes to dating a jerk. It’s on YOU.
Cat5 25
I don’t dispute that Evan.
But the last line of your post, even with the rest of it taken into consideration, seems to squarely put the onus onto the women dating or married to these guys to teach them a lesson.
What I’m trying to say is that refusing to put up with bullshit from a jerk is on the person dating them…but don’t expect it to teach them a lesson. They have been getting away with their bullshit for so long and will continue to get away with it…and that rests squarely on the shoulders of everyone (parents, siblings, buddies, coaches, teachers, fans, business partners, investors, politicians, etc.) who has made excuses for them and accepted excuses from them because of their particular talents (athletic, political, business, military strategy, etc).
* 26
I don’t think it’s “alpha males” that are cheaters. I know men who are in positions of power/authority or opportunity (I think money isn’t as big of a necessity) who have the same behavior and they are far from alpha.
I think a lot of the men you have noted have narcissistic personality traits, which would make them crave not only money or power, but also women. I used to work as a tour guide and I have discussed this with people who work for other tour companies as well: The men, no matter how attractive (translation: some were not attractive at all) certainly had no issues pursuing multiple girls assigned to their groups and sleeping with different women all the time, some of whom had “girlfriends” back home. The male guides are also much more attention-seeking than the females. I think there is difference between serial cheaters who sleep with numerous people and people who have an affair due to marital issues (this doesn’t condone either behavior).
I just think people who need lots of attention or ego-stroking are the types who need to cheat or have the adoration/sexual attention of numerous women. I think “alpha” men may in certain cases command attention, but in other cases I think attention-demanding men may appear alpha. Is Trump really an alpha male, or is he just a rich overgrown brat who says and does as he pleases b/c he can afford to? Is Bill Clinton really “alpha” or is Hilary, who is DEFINITELY alpha, a great stage manager? I totally agree that these people believe the rules don’t apply to them.
David T 27
@*
I agree with you that it is not clear what “alpha” means in this blog. It is clear it means different things to different people on this thread (and others throughout the blog).
Some other Steve 28
@Cat: Focusing on the faults/blame of society (that men are jerks) instead of the things within your own control (whether you give permission for men to be jerks) is a victim mentality that won’t help you find better relationships.
Gina 29
@Cat5: I think that what Evan is trying to say is that by walking away, the lesson that you are teaching–perhaps the message that you are sending would be more appropriate–to these types of men is that although their behavior may work with other women, it isn’t going to work with YOU. Whether it matters to them or not, is irrelevant.
On a slightly different note, I think that Barack Obama represents an alpha male, but Michelle strikes me as the type of woman who would kick him to the curb in a heartbeat if he started messing around on her. I also believe that he that he truly loves her and values what they have, so he chooses not to screw up.
starthrower68 30
I am sympathetic to you Cat 5, as our culture has become a train wreck, but believe that Some Other Steve’s suggestion is much more productive. And if you think about it, the only way society changes is enough of us doing what we can do on our own until that number becomes the majority. Until then, it certainly explains such things as the success of Jersey Shore, no? We reward the train wreck by being fascinated by it rather than ignoring it.
Cat5 31
@Some other Steve
Just to be clear: I have never personally been in this situation so it is not an issue of what I can control, nor that I have a victim mentality. Additionally, I did not refer to men as jerks.
When I read the Time Magazine article and Evan’s commentary about it I was thinking about it from the larger scale (society/the world at large), not an individual level (me or some “girl” with a cheating alpha male significant other). I apologize as I did not know that was not allowed.
Perhaps I’m being too literal about Evan’s last paragraph, and the last statement in particular, but then again in my personal opinion he would have worded it differently had he not intended to place the burden/onus of teaching lessons to these types of individuals (alpha males, professional athletes, captains of business, jerks, or however anyone anywhere wants to define these individuals) on the “girls” they screw/date/marry.
As a result, I thought that last statement was unfair and deserved comment. Perhaps if Evan had just ended it with something like if you are dating one of these guys…run, run like the wind…and don’t look back (an individual level), rather than wives take them back and girls keep wanting to be with them…way to teach them a lesson “girls” (I’m not sure what to call this because I’m pretty sure however I word it someone will be offended…so I guess I’ll just say that I found it to be a bit of a sexist level), I would viewed it differently when I read it. Maybe if he’d added something like many guys want to be like them and hang out with them (more of a societal level), I would have viewed it differently also.
But, he didn’t so I threw in my .02 cents worth.
Fleur 32
While it’s certainly true that both couples (Clintons, Kennedys) benefited from their mates politically, socially and financially, it’s clear that Jackie loved her husband very much: her own father was a a notorious philanderer, and that’s a facet of marriage she came to expect–though it probably caused her some unhappiness whatever her cool facade. Hilary Clinton admired and adored Bill Clinton, and if it weren’t for her driving him to achieve his potential, he never would’ve gotten far. These women, like many of us, were drawn to fascinating, charismatic men by whom they longed to be loved. It’s simplifying these situations to say that the women were engaged in marriages as business transactions: because that’s just not true.
knowledgeispower 33
@ EMK – #16
Thank you!
@ Jenna – #3
Your assertions about Jackie Kennedy Onassis are bizarre, inaccurate and not supported by historical fact.
Jackie came from a well-to-do family with plenty of money and social capital, so she really had no reason to “marry up” with John Kennedy who was a representative at the time. She had a degree from a prestigious university and worked as a reporter prior to wedding Kennedy. After she became First Lady, she served our country in many ways — by developing art-related projects, working on international diplomacy and serving as an unpaid advisor to President Kennedy. Maybe she should have left her husband if she knew he was cheating when he was president, but I think she did the right thing by not sending the country into turmoil by filing for divorce from her husband while he was still in the White House.
While she went on to marry billionaire Aristotle Onassis, she continued to work for more than twenty years as a book editor later in life — even though she didn’t have to.
I’m still at a loss how anyone can blame this woman instead of marveling at the service she provided to the United States free of charge.
Some other Steve 34
@Cat5 #31
Evan is speaking to his audience, which is women who are looking to find lasting relationships (plus a few hangers-on men like me).
He’s not here to rail about societal ills, which he can’t do anything about, but to help women – some of whom are his customers – achieve their goals, and the only thing he has even remote influence on is his audience. He has said for a very long time that he is not excusing men, only explaining how the world works.
Suggesting to women “Do not enable the jerks” is not the same as (a) excusing the jerks or (b) blaming the women. The world is a big place with a lot of complex interactions, and empowering women is a win for all of us (including the men).
If you take a counterpoint of your views as meaning they “aren’t allowed”, then perhaps you’re more of a victim than you allow yourself to believe.
Amy 35
Melie@7,8: I was the other woman, but my affair was not a betrayal to all women. I take responsibility for my actions fully. Looking back, I neither regret nor am I proud of what I did. I was single, and I felt incredibly special to be this man’s mistress. Other women who have been there will know what I’m talking about. The man was not an alpha, but instead a sweet, funny, low-key guy whose wife neglected him sexually. I knew when I decided to get involved with him that I had to have a personal code: 1) I would never ask him about his personal life, 2) During the times I was with him, I would be completely in the moment and focused on him, and 3) if I felt I was getting emotionally attached to him, I would end the affair. I stood by that code. And of course, I was always extremely discreet. He was thrilled that I appreciated him and he was very grateful to have some fun and adventurous sex and witty pillow talk. It was nice to be with a man who was so thankful and excited to be with me. Sometimes, dating single guys, they feel entitled to sex after a couple of dates. This man treated me like gold. He always arranged a beautiful hotel room for us. I never entertained any delusions that I would be with him in real life. I did not ruin his marriage or his life, but gave him a much needed dose of affection, attention and most of all, appreciation. Giving him these things was extremely rewarding and I gained a measure of sexual confidence. (this is why there will always be women who are willing to have affairs with married men). BUT the key is, I knew when to get out. When the time came, after about 6 months, I ended it like a grown-up. Looking back, my first question is not “Why did I have an affair with that man?”, but rather, “Why did his wife withhold sex from him?” If I were married and I withheld sex from my husband and we didn’t get it resolved, I would expect him to eventually stray. When most people take marriage vows, they are not taking a vow of celibacy. If my husband withheld sex from me and wouldn’t work on the issue, I know what I would do, sooner or later. And simply getting a divorce is not always a realistic or desirable option.
marymary 36
Amy
Glad you are out but they ALWAYS say they aren’t having sex with their wives, or their wife is a bitch. So what, that’s his problem. He married her. Unless you want to make a career out of being the Cheating Husband Whisperer, don’t go near the married men.
If he is lying to her, what makes you think he isn’t lying to you, and to himself?And all of this might come as news to the wife.
Cat5 37
@ some other steve
LOL Steve…I knew no matter what I said you would find a way to turn it around and I’m a victim. Apparently, you do not recognize a tongue in check comment when you read it. Next time, I’ll find the appropriate emoticon to add at the end of my comment!
As for Evan speaking to his audience, in my humble opinion, he was not. If he was, I believe his last statement would have been as I previously suggested…something like if you date a person like this…run…run…run like the wind, not way to teach them a lesson “girls!”
Unless, of course, you think that this blog is read by mostly “girls” who let their cheating husbands/boyfriends get away with it, or “girls” who want to date/marry/screws these types of guys. :-7
Kathleen 38
Amy 35
I agree with Mary Mary.
A man who is lying to his wife is very likely to be lying to his mistress.
My question is why would you believe a man who lies to his wife.
Getting a divorce would be a realistic option for a guy with integrity and some courage if he has truly tried to resolve things with his wife and failed
Androgynous 39
MaryMary and Kathleen, you both make excellent points. By becoming a mistress and ministering to your lover’s “needs”, you excuse him from taking accountability for his decisions – ie marrying the wrong woman and not doing anything about it, or else not having the balls to suffer the consequences of making a bad decision. That is in the event that what he is telling you about his “bad marriage” is even true.
Leesa 40
well, there are also the women like tiger wood’s wife, who obviously didn’t have a clue that he was having sex with other women. tiger was skilled enough at lying, manipulation and deception such that he not only fooled his wife, but he fooled the world for a long time (or the media who followed him for so many years and didn’t catch him out). and when his wife finally did find out, she flipped out. that’s what happened with me. i didn’t know i was with a cheater. he was very skilled at hiding his chasing of other women and acting like he was a loyal one women man. as soon as i finally got a wiff of a dirty stinking rat, i bailed out. i and my family were shocked that he had fooled us all into thinking that he was someobody that he was definitely not. so there are also those women who don’t have a clue that they are with a cheating alpha male. and i’d put good money on the fact that the women that my ex cheater is with now, didn’t have a clue that we were still together when she hooked up with him. of course, i can’t say the same for the women who hooked up with tiger baby.
Anita 41
There are all different types of cheating, and sometimes what seems like cheating isn’t. Strauss-Kahn didn’t cheat–he had an open marriage. Woods cheated because he did not have an open marriage. We don’t know what the exact story is with the presidents discussed here. Some people say that JFK cheated because Jackie wasn’t down with his affairs, but some people say that it was a common type of political marriage where both people have affairs and it’s only a problem if those affairs become public (there is some evidence/gossip that Jackie and Hillary may have dallied as well).
Sometimes the “other woman” knows she’s involved with a married man and sometimes she doesn’t. And sometimes it’s more complicated than that. What if a man is technically married but separated and looking for his next wife? If a man likes being married he isn’t going to wait until the papers come through to start dating. If you wait until his divorce comes through you could miss a marriage-minded guy who might be a good partner.
Just food for thought.
Gabi 42
Hi, I’m from Hungary and I am a regular reader of Evan’s blog. I just wanted to add that it is not just alpha males that cheat on their wives or partner. I think so called “nice guys” can be just as bad. I wanted to add this because it has been bothering me for a while that Evan seems to suggest that only “alpha males” can treat women badly. I married and average guy and he happily cheated on me. I also dated several average guys who mistreated me. So I don’t think it is an alpha male privilige.
Straight Talk 43
There are many drivers that tempt people to cheat, both male and female. Ego is among the greatest with regard to conquest cheating (waitress in parking lot example), but there are others (broken relationships leading to affairs, etc.). Both “alpha types” and “beta types” are subject to ego. But we all have a choice and are responsible for our choices. I believe Evan is saying that if you are involved with someone who participates in sexual conquests outside of your relationship you have a responsibility to yourself to make the right decision (not put up with bad behavior and love yourself enough to expect more) and in taking responsibility it will demonstrate to the “cheater” that you will not put up with such bad behavior. I doubt someone as astute as Even would think that this will literally change the “cheater’s”, but it certainly sends the right message. We tend to get exactly what we accept. And as for society, there are far too many stereotypes and judgements that are not useful and do not reinforce individual choice and accountability. In reality, BOTH participants of conquest cheating are looking for an ego stroke and both are accountable: the other people in relationships with the “cheaters” have to set their own standards and be accountable for themselves.
Lucy 44
This blog is building my confidence. Thanks Evan. Yeah the fact I’ve dated narcissists is definitely on me and not them but they can be hard to spot. I’m too trusting.
Anyway, I don’t see cheating as a specifically alpha trait. I think Tiger Woods cheated because he is an overachiever with a sense of entitlement. And yeah I think it is so sad that some women will put up with poor behaviour from their husbands because of the fringe benefits and the money they can provide. I asked some male friends who pointed out that isn’t necessarily the man’s fault. They said “Well if their wives don’t put out, you can’t blame them for looking elsewhere”. I still think that’s a terrible justification though. Do people really become this jaded in marriage that they give up on certain standards for an easy and settled life?
I agree with the above. I cheated on someone in the past and regret it terribly though owning up straight away does not do much to salvage it. I cheated due to unmet needs but it wasn’t his fault, in spite of himself. I should have had the courage to confront the situation rather than bury it away. And when you don’t confront realities, that’s when you impulsively start acting out. It’s all about personal accountability. Cheaters are weak. That is the truth. But it taught me a lesson in humility which never be unlearned. I have such a positive view and better understanding of men now.
I think true alpha males don’t cheat because they have integrity and a strong of right and wrong in the face of obstacles. They are courageous. Cheaters aren’t.
henriette 45
I also wonder if we mistakenly imagine Alphas to be cheaters because we hear about them more often. I mean, when a President or world-famous golfer with heaps of endorsements sleeps around, that makes it to the front page. When a substitute teacher or part-time IT guy who spends his spare time smokin’ weed and hitting the bars cheats, it probably won’t even be discussed on the local cable channel : ) Just ‘cuz we hear about it more often doesn’t mean it happens more…
Karmic Equation 46
I think this guy has it right on the “new-definition” of — as if there was ever clearly an “old” definition of — “alpha male”. http://postmasculine.com/butchering-the-alpha-male
…Come to think of it, this guy’s definition sounds a lot like our Evan : )
Gina 47
Play the “Youre’ So Vain” soundtrack as you read this…
I consider myself being with an “Alpha” for a “too long” relationship. I say that because he was ambiguous about his whereabouts, and clearly not exclusive, from what I saw/found around his house, even left in the open, and not hiding as well as he used to. I do think he wanted to get caught! (less stress of having to lie to so many women?) Oh yes, he was still dreaming about his Ex wife, he said. The tampons in the bathroom were HERS… or he cleaned his ears with them?
So, I conclude from all my unofficial research, that sn Alpha Male feels his intelligence was superior and that he could “put over” on a few of us lowly females, his own ego fantasies about having a harem or whatever, to pull into his schedule whenever. I do know I messed his game when my own availability CHANGED (for example, I was the Monday/Thursday/Sunday girl) and I know he had his Tuesday/Thursdays and Friday/Saturdays open up for “other activities.” Oh, my game put him out of sync of when I was going to show up (or not.) It was humorous. yes, he was so IN DEMAND on the other days…or so he imagined. I used to see his “date shirt” Hawaiin print hanging on the doorknob after an outing or two.
I take some responsibility for leaving an earring by the bedpost andtipping off the girl of the week. Found him sitting on the doorstep, head in hands, looking dejected. My Bad! LOL Ladies, he had his own supply of KYJelly…big Ewwww…what does this tell you? His suggestion: used it to “satisfy himself.” Um, No. You’ve been tracked on Match.com by my single friends, you jerk.
Well,, does this make an Alpha Male appealing? Let’s look some years head when the little schwantz isn’t working. It’s a lonely world for these cheaters b/c the women have thier numbers and no one wants to put up with these fools…unless they are Tiger Woods and have a fortune. No, my Alpha Male looke old and raggedy last sighting of him.