Why Would a Guy Act Like He Likes Me if He Doesn’t Want to Take Me Out Again?
Hi Evan.
I’m 30 years old, European, attractive, tall girl. I have a strange situation. The same scenario happened to me at least 5 times in the last few months. I go on a first date and I can tell for sure that a guy is interested in me. He invites me for drinks after we had dinner and he makes plans for our future dates by saying “I should take you to this great restaurant or we should go to see this play…” And then I never hear back from him. My guy friends say that I just intimidate men or that I just meet the wrong guys and all they want is just sex. What do you think?
Thanks,
Alena
Thanks for the transcontinental note, Alena. Although I’ve answered this question before, it’s still a timeless one.
You have fallen victim to the most common mistake women make in dating. It’s the hardest message to hear, so please don’t shoot the messenger.
Mistake #10: Thinking That Your Great Date Actually Meant Something
Have you ever had a man say how much he likes you, how sexy you are, and how he’s serious about finding a long-term relationship? Ever have an amazing date where the chemistry was great, the conversation flowed, and you hooked up with him afterwards?
Have you ever had a man do all of these things and then NOT call?
No, you’re not crazy or delusional.
Your mistake is thinking that what a man says on a date actually means something. It doesn’t. It means he’s being in the moment. So don’t put too much weight on a great date. The only way you can tell how a man REALLY feels about you is by how quickly he follows up for another date.
I walked her to her car and we made out for ten minutes, standing on the street. I never heard from her again.
One of the first JDates I ever went on was back in probably 1999. She was a doctor, went to Harvard, came from a similar East Coast family. We went out for drinks at a local hotel bar and stayed out until the place closed at 2. I walked her to her car and we made out for ten minutes, standing on the street.
I never heard from her again.
What does this MEAN?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing….
It means that you have no idea what’s going through the head of your date and you’re never going to have an idea what’s going through the head of your date, so stop trying to figure out what’s going through the head of your date.
Maybe he had a better date the next night.
Maybe he got slammed at work.
Maybe he started talking with his ex-girlfriend.
Maybe you were the one-night rebound girl.
Maybe he had too much alcohol and kissed you even though he wasn’t that attracted to you.
Maybe he just wanted sex.
Maybe he was intimidated.
It doesn’t matter. The end result is the same: if he wanted to see you again, he’d have seen you again. Since he didn’t, lick your wounds and move on. This is the dating process. People come and go, and they usually don’t leave hand-written letters explaining their motives. And while you can complain (and many readers have), it doesn’t make a bit of a difference.
True power DOESN’T come from saying, “Men SHOULD call after a great first date”. True power comes from saying, “Men sometimes DON’T call after great first date. How am I going to adapt to that fact?”
True power DOESN’T come from saying, “Men SHOULD call after a great first date”. True power comes from saying, “Men sometimes DON’T call after great first date. How am I going to adapt to that fact?”
And to me, the healthiest way to deal with it is to accept the concept that dating is a flawed medium fraught with emotions, baggage, luck and timing, all of which conspire to prevent two people from coming together. Instead of getting upset and placing blame, your best move is to literally expect NOTHING from ANYONE until you’re in a COMMITTED relationship. Everything before that, both parties are still feeling each other out, considering other options, making decisions, and holding back a little something. So why let down your guard and take a metaphorical kick in the stomach every time you have a good date?
Next time you have a fun date, be happy if he does call, and not terribly surprised or hurt if he doesn’t. And if you want help in getting to that healthy emotional place, give me a buzz. This is one of the most important and impactful ways in which I help my women clients learn to date more effectively.
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96 Comments »Filed Under Dating
Steve 1
Alena;
Don’t feel bad, it happened to me too a few months ago. I asked a woman I met in a cooking class out. We met for a coffee date on a work night. We talked for about 3 hours straight. Those 3 hours felt like 15 min and it seemed to me like she had a genuine smile of “being into it” on her face the whole time. Yet, when I called her up for a second date I got the next best thing to cold silence. Cryptic answers spoken only when spoken too, punctuated with lame excuses. A few months later we saw each other at a community event. She looked away with a look of disgust on her face and pretended not to see me.
Maybe she thought I was cheap when I got so caught up in the conversation that I did not buy anything from the coffee shop. Maybe she got offended by giving her a hug at the end of the date. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I’ll never know. Her loss.
As Evan wrote, you will never know and you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. Your best bet is to shrug it off and encourage people by being gracious when they do give you feedback in the future.
Selena 2
When I read things like this the first thought that comes to my mind is: Uh, was alcohol involved? The great exaggerator, and releaser of inhibitions. Second is, “Uh, I wonder if they aren’t over an ex yet?” Evan addressed both these. He’s right I think on all counts, but these two things seem to be very common in why great first dates don’t seem to lead beyond. It’s not you, it’s being caught up in the moment and them coming back to their personal reality the next day–whatever that might be.
Lance 3
Something is fishy here. If Alena is tall, attractive, and Euro, she should have ZERO problem getting dates and est. relationships with guys. There must be something wrong with her: her looks or her personality. Why is she intimidating? That needs to be explored. If she’s truly hot, then she’s the pick of the litter and can pretty much choose her next boyfriend. Women like this just don’t exist. Either they have bf’s, or don’t because they choose to. If I’m wrong, please debate…
Anyway, to EMK’s thesis. I agree with everything there, but I have to point out women DO THE EXACT SAME THING. This is your basic flaking. She has a great time. You kiss. You never hear from her again. You have a great conversation. You get a number. You call and she never answers. You never see her again. Guys and girls flake equally. It comes with the territory of dating. Selena is correct above, as soon as you part ways, you fall out of “state,” and you just let things slide apart. This is one of my favorite subjects, so maybe I’ll blog about it…
wildgingersnap 4
I have had dates like this where the guy showed every sign of being interested: he was super-attentive, tried to extend the date as long as possible, talked about future dates — and then didn’t follow up.
I think what happens, with online dating at least, is you show up for that first meeting and you look better than your photos, you’re fun, (normal!), there’s lots to talk about…and you’re both so relieved and excited it creates an inflated sense of compatability/chemistry.
In my experience, some of these guys _are_ relationship-minded but after they come down from the euphoria of the date and are thinking more clearly, they realize that even though they had a great time, they don’t see real potential for the long-term and it’s just easier to disappear rather than attempt some half-hearted follow-through.
That’s my hypothesis, and I’m sticking to it.
It helps me move on quickly without bitterness or baggage.
(Yeah, the disconnect between their words and actions is a little disconcerting and makes you doubt your judgment sometimes, but you just have to train yourself to manage your expectations until the verdict is in, i.e. you do or don’t hear from them.)
Selena 5
Steve,
I’ve been thinking about the 3 hour date you described and what happened. You know, if I spent 3 hours with someone in some type of restaurant, I would have become hungry. If my date didn’t suggest ordering some food, (or going somewhere else to get food if the menu at the coffee place was limited) ya know, I probably would have thought he was cheap too.
Thing is though, I wouldn’t have been shy about it. I would have either told my date I was hungry and wanted to order off the menu, or I would have decided I needed to go home and eat something if I didn’t want anything there. Need food, make decision, simple.
Perhaps your date was playing by some kind of “rules” that in her mind, you should have made an offer for dinner after an hour or so? Dunno, but the situation sounds like a case of expectations not being communicated to me. The fact she gave you a look of disgust when you ran into her months later speaks volumes about her, not you.
Steve 6
Selena;
It wasn’t a restaurant it was a chain coffee shop, similar to Starbucks and I think I did ask about getting something. Maybe “disgust” was too strong of a word perhaps an “on no, its him” look would be a better description.
I could look at other clues, but I have heard Evan’s conclusions before from other people and it is fairly internalized in me now. I will never know, it could be many things, perhaps something I never thought of, she is only one person, I still had a nice weeknight evening and life goes on.
Michele 7
wildgingersnap.
I have actually printed your last observation(s)……hypothesis. It sounds so simple and direct, while making near perfect sense.
Only glitch is when he doesn’t call, it does hurt, expecially if I mistakingly thought there was a connection. It’s a tough call being human.
That said, have a second date with “Mr. Wonderful” on Tuesday. He has called everyday since he’s out of town on biz. Now I won’t slash my wrists if he flakes out, but will probably need a week or two to bounce back.
$Francisco 8
If EITHER party has interest in the other, I say they should say so not just at the end of the date but also AFTER the date. Be it a email, text or phone call, let the other person know that you had a good time and would like to do it again. Better yet, suggest a venue and time for the next outing. It lets the other person know in no uncertain terms that you’d like to see them again.
JuJu 9
What exactly was Evan (in part) answering? I didn’t see anything in the girl’s letter about having sex with the guy on the first date. How could “he only wanted sex” apply if she didn’t? Am I missing something?
Steve, the woman exhibited every sign of inadequacy with her subsequent behavior. What on earth did you do to her that was so horrible? Consider yourself lucky to have revealed her character so quickly.
I have a topical story to share. Went out with this one guy, not particularly attractive (just waaaaay too skinny for my taste), but very intelligent, and that turned me on. We made plans for the next weekend, which was a 3-day holiday weekend. Anyhow, Saturday night he doesn’t show up at the specified time or call. Calls me a few hours later and says that he is in a hospital with the parents of a friend who was in car accident earlier that day and is presently in a coma. Well, okay.
Next day (Sunday) he calls me to make plans for Monday and to reassure me that the “stand-up” had nothing to do with me (honestly, the thought didn’t even enter my mind, although I don’t think I said that aloud).
And what do you know? Monday he never showed or called. My entire weekend was shot! I had other offers which I declined in favor of this a**hole (certainly will never allow that to happen again, regardless of how smitten with the guy).
In his case, btw, I know for sure he was not over his ex (he was engaged and actually caught her in bed with someone else), but that’s no excuse for such inconsideration.
What the hell was THAT?
Marc 10
Alena, you said you “can tell for sure that a guy is interested in me,” but can the guy tell for sure that you’re interested in him? When the guy offers to take you to that great restaurant “next time,” do you act sincerely interested, or do you just say “okay” without much enthusiasm. What’s your body language like when you respond to his request to see you again? Do you smile? We guys like to know that if we do call, we’re not gonna get blown off. If your friends are telling you you’re coming off as intimidating, you may want to rethink how you act on dates.
vino 11
This can be the whole ‘war story’ thread.
Simply put, many, many people of both sexes just vanish, rather than have a difficult conversation and be potentially called a ‘jerk’ or a ‘bitch’ to his/her face.
This falls into the category of something I cannot control, so I do not worry about it. It’s going to happen. Do not be emotional about it. It is disrespectful. If you come across him/her again, treat them accordingly.
Steve 12
wildgingersnap;
I used to have the same problem about taking early rejection in dating too personally. In one of the links Evan has in his post above, there is an article he wrote for women and online dating, but it applies nicely here. He asks the reader to think about all of the people s/he looked at on a dating site and decided not to pursue. He asks the reader to think about how rational it would be for those people to feel trashed. It works both ways. There could really be no problem with you or the other person, just no fit.
Lori 13
Juju, I’ve also dated men who weren’t over their exes. They think they want a new relationship to help them get over it, but they usually find they are still pining over their ex. I had one guy start to cry when I saw a pic of his ex wife, and told him she was beautiful. That told me everything I needed to know right there.
Alena, I’ve met guys also where we hit it off, and then they never call. I’ve met flakes, wierdos, players, jerks, and plenty where we just weren’t interested in each other…but it really is true, when the right one comes along you know it.
I have met the sweetest guy who brings me flowers, cards, we talk daily, we see each other every chance we get. We really seem to be meant for each other. Now if this one flakes on me, I’ll probably give up on dating. ; )
TMan 14
Alena, I am the type of guy you describe in your thread. I’ve gone out with women, only to never call them back. Why would I do such a thing?
A few reasons…
Maybe I scheduled the date in the first place simply because I was bored. “Jen seemed like a nice girl…maybe I’ll go out with her again on Friday and have a good time.”
Maybe I wasn’t that into her on the first date, but I wanted to give her a second chance because I saw some potential.
Maybe something about her that annoyed me on the second date REALLY annoyed me on the third date and I decided I had had enough.
Maybe I just decided this girl wasn’t worth the effort.
Maybe I had better options.
What NEVER happens is that I will intentionally sabotage a date just to get a message across. When I’m out with someone, I try to have the best time possible. I’m polite, and always conduct myself as if the date is being videotaped and will be sent to all my family members. (Well, maybe I don’t act that way the whole time, but you get the drift).
Simone 15
No offense, TMan, but you don’t sound polite at all. You sound kind of hostile. I don’t see what your “trying to have the best time possible” before you decide that you are really just too good for the woman you are with has to do with Alena’s situation.
Don’t worry, Alena — other fish in the sea! (Thank heavens for that!)
wildgingersnap 16
Actually, I take the same approach as TMan — just because I don’t want to share my life with someone doesn’t mean I can’t try to have a good time when we’re out. So I’m sure there have been a few guys (the guy who waxed rhapsodical about his anniversary edition Rolex comes to mind) who were puzzled when I didn’t want to go out again because they interpreted my polite enthusiasm as interest.
Michele — I have had several enlightening experiences where I met up with someone who disappeared after the first date and resurfaced a few months or a year later. I usually meet up with them, if only to satisfy my curiosity, and without exception, I’ve realized that we didn’t really have a special connection or compatibility.
You really don’t have that much information after just one date. So now when something doesn’t work out, I just trust that it wasn’t meant to be and move on with minimum pang.
TMan 17
@Simone,
I thought my post had everything to do with Alena’s situation. She’s asking why guys act like they have a great time on dates, only to never call her again. I gave some reasons. I think Alena may have to understand why the date happened in the first place. Maybe the guy was bored/lonely/between other women.
And let’s not pretend women don’t do the same exact thing. I’ve had several girls who acted like they were completely interested (“What are you doing next weekend? I can’t believe I met someone like you!” often followed by a trip to the bedroom and her/me leaving the next morning) only to never hear from them again.
PS: Except in well justified situations, I don’t feel like I’m “too good” for anyone. Usually I just feel like we aren’t a good match. I’ve met lots of women that were really cool and I admired, but I just wasn’t attracted to them as romantic partners. Of course, I’m often on the other end, too, and I don’t mean to imply I’m not. That’s just life. No matter who you are, someone isn’t going to be interested for whatever reason.
Selena 18
I liked Tman’s point: “What NEVER happens is that I will intentionally sabotage a date just to get a message across.”
Certainly being polite on a date and trying to have a good time with the person you are with, (even though you’ve concluded they’re not the one for you) is better than the alternative: being rude, sulky, behaving like an ass.
Perhaps sometimes we just misinterpret interest as simply good manners. Maybe because we want to.
LV 19
This is a rare thing: every so often, I’d have what I thought was a good first date with a guy, only for him to e-mail me later saying something along the lines of “you seem like a great person, but I didn’t feel the chemistry that I was looking for”.
I absolutely appreciated that — in my opinion, it’s MUCH more polite than just dropping off the face of the earth.
However — I’ve discussed this with a guy friend, and his feeling was, he’d find that sort of response insulting. For him, the lack of a phone call says enough.
So — you can’t please everyone!
JerseyGirl 20
I’ve had this experience as well and it’s nice to know that there is something tall attractive chicks from Europe have in common with short chicks from New Jersey….:)
Anyway, when I’ve had this happen it stings if I like the guy but I look at it this way. He just isn’t the guy for me. God has something else in store and I consider it more of an experience I’m not suppose to have to be the kind of woman I need to be. That is not to say that this person is “bad”. It’s just to say that they aren’t meant to be part of my life and have influence in it.
I find that in today’s culture, all around people treat things more disposably. It is reflected in how we treat the things that surround us. From natural resources, the environment, cars, computers, cell phones to even people. It’s not really a good thing but I think that all around alot of people struggle with dating because of the disposable mindset that seems to be a big theme in modern culture.
Oh and to poster Lance: I disagree with your assumption that something must be wrong with this girl if she can’t seem to acquire a man for long term dating status. Maybe she keeps picking the same type of man, I don’t know. I do know that if all the good ones were taken as you put it, then everyone in a relationship would be happy and healthy. And with the rate of divorce and break-ups, cheating and the million other issues that happen within relationships, we all know that isn’t true.
Simone 21
My offense at TMan’s response wasn’t the not calling because there wasn’t a connection, it was the tone and the “I’ll ask her out b/c I’m bored” — “I wasn’t that into her but I asked her out anyway,” etc. Which, as I have said before about bad dating behavior — probably isn’t the way he presented it to her when he was asking her out. Fundamentally, it’s dishonest and maybe even coercive. It’s using someone b/c you need or want something and you suspect that the person isn’t going to go along unless you misrepresent where you are coming from. And if someone annoys you and you just sit there politely smiling, well, that isn’t honest, either. The good news is that after a few experiences with guys who are just into dating to see what they can get (a hostile form of neediness), or who are confused, or just playing games, you learn to spot them. It’s hard to fake genuine enthusiasm or a real connection. Again, thank heavens for the other fish in the sea!
JuJu 22
LV,
that happened to me only once, but what I think of this type of behavior is that it’s awfully presumptuous. It was also the way the guy worded the letter – “without causing me any pain and misleading me further” he has to say good-bye. It downright cracked me up. I thought of replying, “I am going to hang myself immediately”, but resisted the temptation. ;=)
See, what made the situation so absurd was that after one glance at him I wanted to go back home. He did not at all look like his pictures, turned out to be unattractive and somewhat overweight, and he lied about his height! I also am tactful on my dates regardless of whether I can imagine being with this person, and it was puzzling how he mistook that for interest.
Ron 23
This is probably the best advice ever given my Evan IMO.
Life, not just dating, is filled with ambiguity. The sooner you stop trying to psychobabbelize it and stop trying to figure it all out, the sooner you’ll be happier.
Took me a long time to learn that. Thanks for the reminder, Evan.
Lance 24
@Simone/TMan: Tman’s comment is spot-on and represents what’s actually going thru our heads when we flake on our dates. It’s nothing personal. This is what the girl is thinking too when she flakes on us. Flakes aren’t polite…that’s why it’s a flake. If you’re a regular dater, you’ll flake and get flaked on all the time.
I have a female friend who goes on like 8 dates w/different dudes per month…she flakes on all but maybe 1 of them. She doesn’t have the time or energy to make smooth withdrawals. The thing is, she’s a perfectly nice, intelligent gal. In everything else, she’s considerate and polite to the max. When it comes to dating tho, she has to play the game…
See, the problem is if you try to make a polite exit, the other person might get the wrong idea and try to cling. It’s just better to be decisive, abrupt, and quick about it. It might sting at first, but it saves a world of grief down the road. It took me a long time to make that realization, mostly because I HATED getting flaked on, but now I know it’s just a part of dating.
Steve 25
Ron Mar 22nd 2008 at 10:50 am 23
This is probably the best advice ever given my Evan IMO.
Life, not just dating, is filled with ambiguity. The sooner you stop trying to psychobabbelize it and stop trying to figure it all out, the sooner you’ll be happier.
Amen.
The best you can do is ask for it when there is an opportunity for feeback and make it comfortable for the other person to do you the favor of giving it to you. After that, it is out of your control and may likely have nothing to do with you. You are better off putting it behind you.
JerseyGirl 26
“it was the tone and the I’ll ask her out b/c I’m bored”
I have to agree with Simone that is rough. I highly doubt any guy would want a woman to only accept a date with him because she was bored and would get a free meal out of the deal.
JuJu, you reminded me of a similar dating experience where I went out with this guy that turned out to be a wack job. We just went out for coffee and I was so ready to leave when he was like..”I think we should be friends”. I felt like saying “friends? Heck dude, I don’t even want to remember you live in the same zip code.”
Sara 27
It’s happened to me and I’ve done it to others. You just never know what someone has going on in his or her life that they don’t reveal on a first date. Like everyone else is saying, you just can’t take it personal.
Markus 28
I can’t read through all these responses yet so let me say for the record…this sucks, and it’s why I hate dating. F this whole lousy process.
JerseyGirl 29
That’s the spirit. :/
Steve 30
Markus Mar 23rd 2008 at 09:51 am 28
I can’t read through all these responses yet so let me say for the record this sucks, and it’s why I hate dating. F this whole lousy process.
I’ve said that more than a few times myself. It has really helped me to read this blog and to talk with other people who are dating. It clued me in that it is a COMMON experience that isn’t happening to JUST ME because I am a FAULTY person. Since it is so common I keep reading about it over and over again. That is drilling it into me that it isn’t personal and my emotional reactions have been getting progressively better about taking it.
Simone 31
Thanks, Jersey Girl, for understanding what I was saying. I wasn’t telling anyone not to “flake” or that “flaking” is rude. Who cares if you go out with someone once and it’s all fun and then nothing more happens? I was pointing out that the motivations for dating to begin with that TMan listed are not polite at all, that they are kind of user-y. In redux, basically he is saying “I’m only using you b/c I’m bored” or “I don’t like you but I’ve got nothing better to do” or “I’m only trying to have fun” so “don’t be upset that I blow you off.” I certainly wouldn’t be upset if someone like that blew me off — he’d be doing me a favor! And no, TMan, I never said that only men do this — I’ve known women who treated men like this. But in truth I don’t hang around with people (men or women) who have such a crude view of human relationships. I am perfectly happy to be by myself or with known-quantity friends than to spend time on a date with someone I am not really interested in — I have a full life and therefore only spend time with people I am truly interested in or might be interested. I value my time.
Simone 32
Oh, and my relationships. Even if they are just at the beginning stages.
Markus 33
Sorry Jerseygirl. I was married for 10 years. I want to be married or at least living with someone again. I’m not going to accept the wrong person but I do not want to be “dating”. This is a means to an end.
Eda 34
In the dating world where some of us feel that there are too few victories and high points and so many disappointments, I think that a great date does mean something, and I think it means something that doesn’t need to be dismissed even if the outcome isn’t what we desire. I think a great date means that two people, at the very least, have good manners. It means that they value making people feel good and they enjoy having a good time. It may even mean that two genuinely good people have had the opportunity to meet each other. I agree that what a great date doesn’t mean is that there is a mutual connection, a mutual desire for a second date or a long term relationship. It just means that two people shared a pleasant time together. How can that ever be a bad thing? I haven’t always felt this way, but I’m now thankful for a fun date even if I never see the guy again. I just know that one day when that fun date turns into something more, I’ll be ready for it.
Michele 35
Markus.
I was married for over 20 years so I have a full decade of “bliss” over your plight. From time to time I feel the same way you do….dating can be time consuming, disappointing and not always “fun.”
That said…..after reading your first post (yesterday) went on a literal rampage checking various “dating” sites. Your gloom actually motivated me.
What I have decided to do is become dating proactive — figure I may as well since everything else in my life is guided by positive activism.
What an interesting opportunity I found. 8 minute dating within a 100 mile radius of my present residential venue. Will be more than just a participant…am going to hostess an event. One never knows who might be in attendance. When employing my social skills I always have FUN.
Don’t isolate yourself, Markus. Get back out there and keep an open mind.
Markus 36
Good for you Michele. I’m not isolated. Just venting some frustration. Last week I had a great date Tuesday night with a new girl. We’ve been talking and exchanging mails. Thursday night she came over and one thing led to another. We had great sex but I could tell afterwards that she kind of regretted it and now I can’t undo that. It sucks because we had SO much in common. I feel like I’m in purgatory.
Lance 37
“Love is a battlefield.” –Pat Benatar
Have fun and don’t take anything personal, because it’s not. All your dates and encounters are worthy life experiences…how else do you learn about socialization and relationships? Reading books and blogs isn’t enough. From a pickup perspective, this is called “field time,” and it’s irreplaceable. We expect a 1000 rejections and fuckups before we really find those special, awesome connections. The more dates you go on, and hence the more people you meet, the more you realize how little you know about love/sex/relationships/people.
hunter 38
Most single good looking women that I have met, are single because they “choose” to be. Most single good looking women “find” men, when they are good and ready.
hunter 39
To Markus,
Try not to “bare your soul” when dating.
Markus 40
Sorry Lance. Just not getting it. : (
JerseyGirl 41
It’s all good Markus, I was only teasing. I do understand that dating is not always fun. I get frustrated myself. I’d like to get married the first time. Good men are hard to find!
Markus 42
Not sure what you mean there Hunter. I don’t know that I “bare my soul” but I am sincere and honest. I play some cards close to the chest but I’m pretty honest. It’s the only way I know how to be.
vino 43
Markus,
Not to be flip, but you’ll probably want to carry more bandages (metaphorically speaking) for the additional wounds.
However, kudos for being true to yourself.
lorelei 44
Markus,
I think you sound like a great guy.
L.
Michele 45
Markus !!!
I concur with lorelei…..you certainly seem like a great guy.
Although this may not apply to you, a bit of self-disclosure follows. Post-divorce got into a long term relationship that ultimately didn’t work out. Reflecting I now realize that a lot more time was needed for me to heal (and all that other “stuff” that happens when one becomes single). The issues encountered challenged every single belief I ever had. But I dissected each one of them and after some struggles realized just exactly who I am.
What I have done is learn so much about myself. I enjoy being me now. What was previously important to me, (in most cases) is not even an issue now. Am actually rather peaceful within myself however do know that I need to continue “just” being me.
That said, some things just don’t change instantly. I have tried to keep an open/expectation free frame of reference about dating and for the most part have been pretty successful. Success meaning that I am not going to WOW every single gent I meet — nor will he WOW me.
I sense that you are a very moral and warm person, Markus, but also allow yourself the right to be human. Often times we are our own worse critics. Go easy on yourself and remember there is an abundance of truth to taking time to smell the roses.
I do look forward to reading your posts.
Mattie 46
Alena, please don’t worry too much about it. Sometimes people go through a run of bad luck. And, in fact, dwelling on it (though this is easier said than done!) only serves to prolong it in a peculiar way. What I mean by this is: if you think “I’ve had too much of X”, you are concentrating on X – and … more X comes along! Aaaargh: buggerit! Life sometimes seems to work like this.
Anyway, maybe these men are a little intimidated by you? Maybe they are just flake-y. Maybe they found someone else or reverted to a previous girlf. Who knows? Frankly, who cares – you certainly shouldn’t. F*** ‘em if they fail to appreciate you: its their loss.
Take Evan’s advice – it’s invariably good – and move on. Enjoy yourself. I wish you all the very best of good fortune.
As for Lorelei and Michele’s comments about Markus: absolutely! I agree wholeheartedly. Markus … ROCKS! Sooner or later the best possible girl for you will appear, Markus. In any event, I have put in a request for you with none other than the Flying Spaghetti Monster; so it’s only a matter of time before that ‘not inconsiderable she’ or ‘lass unparelleled’ is served up to you – con amore (as well as vongole or al sugo) – be patient. We are all rooting for you.
Mattiex
Markus 47
Thanks guys. I appreciate the kind words. I just come on here to help a bit and get helped. Mostly because I like communicating about the topic. Anyway, I agree that the process has helped me become more me, which is cool. And it’s helping me learn what I really value. That said, the time, the money (which I’m tight on), the heartbreak in both directions. It’s brutal. I also have to admit that the number 40 looms heavy on my horizon.
Collins 48
From the phrase in the question, “if he doesn’t want to take me out again,” I might surmise that he’s waiting for YOU to take HIM out for the 2nd date. On the 1st date, HE took YOU out, which would mean that YOUR dinner was on HIS dime; he might be waiting for you to return the favor. We guys want to be “special” no less than do women, & this particular guy might be testing your ability & willingness to show him the same generosity that he showed you the 1st time.
JuJu 49
That is just about the most unrealistic explanation I ever heard. I wouldn’t even be able to come up with something like that.
KAREN 50
Hello Everyone!
I really appreciate reading all of your comments. Wow! So happy to know that I am not in this “dating scene” alone. I am learning so much from your very valuable statements.
Thank you so much Evan for your wonderful insight into this dating universe. You have made this “dating vortex” so much more easier to understand. I have a much more positive attitude towards dating due to your insightful comments! So happy you have this wonderful Blog.
Much happiness to you all!!
JerseyGirl 51
Collin, I think with that attutitude, depending on how strongly you show it to women, it would be a major turn off for most women. Not because we are all here to take advantage of you with free meals. But if a guy can’t spend a few bucks on a nice dinner without feeling like he made a huge contribuation; it’s a little negative. We want to feel like you want to make a nice gesture for us, not that you are keeping score.
I don’t think most women are going to ask a guy out on a second date because women want to be pursued, especially early on in the game. Now if he takes her out, pays; she should at some point contribute something back. Like cook him a meal or something. Maybe it’s just me and I am wrong but I have never asked a guy out for a second date or paid. I let him know if I am interested though if I am of course. If he doesn’t pursue it, he doesn’t like me enough. It’s that simple.
Selena 52
JerseyGirl writes:
“Maybe it’s just me and I am wrong but I have never asked a guy out for a second date or paid. I let him know if I am interested though if I am of course. If he doesn’t pursue it, he doesn’t like me enough. It’s that simple.”
No it’s not just you JerseyGirl, I’m the same way. I have to wonder how many dates Collins’ has if this is his expectation?
Victoria 53
I have to agree with Hunter “Most single good looking women that I have met, are single because they choose to be. Most single good looking women find men, when they are good and ready.” I’d like to add that the same goes for guys. The right timing is everything.
I think all single people on dates should just relax, enjoy the moment and not think about a potential future (even whether he/she’ll call again), you don’t have to end up together to cherish the time you had with each other. I’ve had a few absolutely great guys in my life with whom there could be no future for one reason or another but they and I know we had those precious and intimate moments that we will always remember. To me that’s satisfying.
Collins 54
JerseyGirl: “I don’t think most women are going to ask a guy out on a second date because women want to be pursued…” And Selena: “I have to wonder how many dates Collins has if this is his expectation?”
Excuse me, ladies, but you still want us guys always to do the pursuing? I’m sorry, but to me this reeks of acting like objects, like prizes to be chased after & won. I have no desire to treat women like objects, but by the same token I want them not to act like such. In this era of women having jobs & incomes just like the guys do, I’d like them to spend some of that money on dates in either of 2 ways:
1. Go to a restaurant that both parties like, & split the cost.
2. Take turns paying; i.e., on the 1st date he takes her out to where he likes to go & pays for her dinner, then on the 2nd date she treats him to dinner at wherever she likes to go.
Unilateral pursuit is an outworn, unhealthy tradition, whereas MUTUAL PURSUIT would better fit this era of equality. This is one of the few principles on which I will stand my ground, even if I must stand alone. Better alone than with a golddigger!
hunter 55
To victoria,
Sounds as if you have been on some “yummy” dates. Congratulations….
Victoria 56
To hunter,
Thank you! And a “yummy” marriage, which ended tragically, but hey, I don’t despair. I believe there are more beautiful men like my husband out there…not that I am in a hurry, because I know to live each day as tomorrow is not guaranteed.
hunter 57
to Victoria,
I am sorry about your husband. Whose in a hurry? I am a half a century old and never married, is that moving too fast?…
Victoria 58
to hunter,
I’m glad you are not, but a lot of people out there are. They approach a marriage like some kind of promotion or a great job offer. It’s natural for people to want to be with someone but why does it always have to end up in a marriage?? I know I am a bit idealistic and believe we should look for love, not marriage, but it’s a fact that people are miserable in 99% marriages that are not based on love, so who wants to be miserable? By the way it’s the same with a job – people don’t mind to suffer if it pays well, I just think it’s sad, because life is too short for all this self-inflicting suffering.
jules 59
Collins,
I don’t think you sound the least bit unreasonable. I have paid for second AND first dates in the past.
Some guys were clearly uncomfortable with it, but the ones who had no problem with it were the cool, open-minded ones that took me for who I was and they were the type of guys I wanted to date.
I think people (men & women) get too hung up on who pays and this just creates another unnecessary roadblock.
Collins 60
Victoria wrote: “It’s natural for people to want to be with someone but why does it always have to end up in a marriage?”
Some people still use marriage for religious reasons. Others do it for legal reasons (insurance coverage, joint tax returns, next of kin upon death, etc). Some women do it for the big wedding of which they’ve dreamed ever since their little-girl days when their parents read them to sleep with Cinderella, Snow White & Sleeping Beauty. Some people choose marriage for all of the above reasons.
On the other hand, marriage has left other people cold, including Halle Berry, whose last husband cheated on her. Not long before she met her current beau, Gabriel Aubry, she said, “I want a man who comes home to me because he wants to,” not because marriage vows obligate him to. Berry & Aubry now have a baby together, & they’re just as committed to each other without a legal document as they’d be with one. Similarly, among the not-so-famous, a lady I used to work with was in an informally committed r’ship for 16 years until her guy died of a sudden illness the other year; for 12 of those years, they too raised a child together.
Just like Berry wanted a man, I want a woman who comes home to me because she wants to, with or without that piece of paper. Paradoxically, if you give a person wings, s/he will be less inclined to fly away.
Nicole 61
Interesting post… I had come out of a horrible relationship, being cheated on…you know the works. I moved to a new city and forced myself to go on dates because I refused to sit home and feel sorry for myself. I felt and sometimes still feel, like I lost the ability to like someone again. It’s been hard and now, there is actually one guy I am kind of interested in. We had sex early on as we met through friends. The sex was great but we have never really went on a date and had sex twice after. He told before we had sex that he doesn’t feel like he’s worth anything cause he felt like he has nothing to offer (he walked in on his ex having sex with someone else). Now this is the first guy I “kinda” like since my ex and lots of things have been running through my mind as to why he hasn’t really been pursuing me… I could go on for years analyzing it, but at the end of the day I don’t know. It could have something to do with his ex or it could simply be he’s not really interested in me. Which sadly, in a way makes sense to me cause I still have insecurities from my own past. It sucks, but I’ll survive… I always have. Plus, I’m trying to ring true to my NYE resolution… stop over analyzing AND be true to myself.
On another note, I recently was talking to a guy who I tried to get to know, but the conversation was just not flowing and was completely boring. So I told him… I was completely honest with him, how him calling me excessively made him look desperate, how I don’t feel we have good conversations, how I’m bored etc. To say the least, it didn’t fair well but I’m glad he knows. Because honestly, if he didn’t know what he was doing he would continue to do it and I don’t care what anyone has to say… another girl would end up turned off as well, but they would probably just ignore the guy completely instead of telling him like it is like I did.
It wasn’t fun but its better he knew and I honestly feel better about doing it.
So in a nutshell… .yea, you may be rejected, people may fall off the place of the earth etc. but if you think something is worth finding out about, pursue it (male or female) and if not, leave it alone… go with wherever your instincts. The worst that could happen is you hear the awful truth.
P.S Honestly, for those of you who think that you may have done something to turn your date off… I don’t believe that’s true. No matter what you do or have done, if a person likes you, they like you. The trivial things, like “he didn’t offer to ask me if I wanted anything to eat” doesn’t mean anything. Women and Men have a mouth… if they want something they say it. Everyone’s going through their own issues at their own time… so like it was said, its all about timing, chemistry and preferences.
Karl R 62
Nicole, your post (#61) contradicts itself.
On the one hand, you said:
“for those of you who think that you may have done something to turn your date off I don’t believe that’s true. No matter what you do or have done, if a person likes you, they like you.”
On the other hand, you said:
“I was completely honest with him, how him calling me excessively made him look desperate, how I don’t feel we have good conversations, how I’m bored etc. To say the least, it didn’t fair well but I’m glad he knows. Because honestly, if he didn’t know what he was doing he would continue to do it and I don’t care what anyone has to say another girl would end up turned off as well,”
In my opinion, you crossed the line from honesty into tactlessness. If this man was as socially inept as you imply, then the damage you just did to his confidence and self-esteem far outweighed any benefit he may have received from your “advice”. And if you didn’t do that kind of damage, I’d say that’s good evidence that he’s got a lot going in his favor.
I also find it impossible to believe that your opinion of this man (that he’s boring, a poor conversationalist and calls excessively) is shared by every other woman on the planet … or even every other woman in your neighborhood.
The only thing you needed to tell that man was that you weren’t interested in dating him. It’s an honest answer, and it’s also a polite answer. If he wanted to know more, he has a mouth, and he could have asked you for an explanation (or hired a dating coach).
Hopefully I can continue my perfect streak of dating women who have enough tact to avoid throwing all my flaws (and perceived flaws) into my face.
Jessica 63
I really enjoyed reading this blog as I recently experienced this….a little bit of background…I returned to the States after living overseas for about 2 years…Upon my return, friends and family strongly recommended I try online dating since they want me to stay local…anyhow, I’ve never dated this much in my life! Things have been pleasant but just before Christmas I was at a party with a friend/coworker. She introduced me to a childhood friend. This guy proceeded to tell me about his brother. Long story short, the brother called me and we talked–made plans to met up the upcoming Saturday. We talked a few more times during the week– he invited me to his office Christmas party, that Friday but I had already committed to my office party so I declined and told him that he would have to wait a few hours longer ’til Saturday.
Now, since I had met the brother, I kinda had an idea of what he would look like. All he had were his brother’s recommendations. Let’s just say, I get no complaints so when we met, I could tell he was pleased. We talked about all sort of things– religion (both Catholic) family, etc….he looked lovingly in my eyes and said that his family would love me and would I consider going with him to his family’s Christmas party (in a few days) …..now normally, this would have been a red flag for me but he came with such great credentials– and he seemed down to earth….
We had a great time, he walked me to my car, stole a kiss and went from 0-100 in a few seconds…he did…I pulled away and reminded him that Santa and Frosty were staring at us (inflatables on the lawn). He was panting and asked to go to my apartment but I told him it wasn’t a good idea. Etc. He seemed okay, although he was not in control of himself. He asked for a ride to his car. I did…we kissed again in the car….he had nothing but great things to say….
The following morning I get a text message saying he had a great time but he was out of control…I’m very pretty and easy to talk to but he wanted to stay friends for now…he’s recently met someone else and wanted to see where it would go…..
I felt like such a fool…. but then I’d forgotten the most basic thing about men…they will say and do anything to get in your pants…at least that was my conclusion a few hours later…. and to use the faith and his family…ughhh…..I did send a reply later that evening, wishing him the best and wishing him a merry christmas….jackass….
and yes, I cried about it! how could i been fooled like that? and thank goodness I didn’t do anything else…i’ve dated a few men since–been 3 weeks but I find myself thinking about this sometimes…it still bothers me…it meant nothing…nothing
Selena 64
Jessica,
Sounds like the guy was super horny the night you went out.
I think you should thank your lucky stars he was able to be honest with you the next day!
Someone with this kind of poor impluse control would not make a good partner for anyone.
Nat 65
I think it’s a fine line between being “in the moment” and being insincere. If you say anything on a date, you know the likelihood of whehter you will follow through or not when you say it. EMK is just making excuses for poor behaviour.
Sayanta 66
Jessica-
I’m sorry you had that experience- honestly that guy sounds like a total jerk. It was nice of you to write a polite e-mail to him- I don’t think I would have had that much self-control at the computer. lol
Sayanta 67
Collins-
” I want a woman who comes home to me because she wants to, with or without that piece of paper.”
That’s nice that you want that, but equality or not, you may have to resort to paying for the first few dinners before it happens.
I don’t know any women who agreed to a second date with a guy who refused to pay for the first one.
Sara 68
Wow, these comments seem like something I’ve had happen to me recently! I went out with this great guy, this was out 2nd date (we had hung out once before at a friends house). The second time we hung out we went to dinner near my house. We had a wonderful time talking and he asked me out again a bunch of times during dinner and was acting all flirty etc. Then when we left he put his arm around me, walked me to my car, and said he’d call the next day to go to his baseball game that he had asked me to go to during dinner (hes a professional baseball player). Oh and then as he was walking away from me, he yelled back saying, “next time we hang out, you’re coming down to Bruceville” (where he lives). Well he never called and after a couple days my sister told me to email him just to see what would happen. Well he did email me back but I still havent had any calls from him. What gives? This really hasnt happened to me before!!! Why would he email me back if he obviously wasn’t interested? Im SO confused because I REALLY liked him and thought for sure we’d get together again.
Sayanta 69
Sara-
he yelled back saying, next time we hang out, you’re coming down to Bruceville
That seems kinda rude of him- don’t you think?
Sara 70
No he said it in a sarcastic kind of way, not rude at all. He said it because he came down where I live the first time hung out.
He actually is a very sweet and polite guy!
Jessica 71
Sara,
Whatever the guy is thinking, who cares! I know it really bother you right now but just get right back on that horse and keep dating. And stop thinking that this guys is “so nice.” There are others out there that will be nice and into you, at least enough to follow up. Don’t sweat it, if he calls fine, if he doesn’t fine, too! You’re too fab to sit around and ‘figure’ him out. By there actions, you shall know them…..
Oh, and thanks Selena and Sayanta for your encouragement— after a few weeks, you sure do get perspective. Imagine the kind of boyfriend, much less husband, that jackass would make? Can’t even control his’self one damn minute! LOL!
Sara 72
I know I have been dating other guys, but I dont like them like I liked him…*sigh*
And the ones I’m not really that into seem to call all the time! Why cant it be the other way around!
Sara 73
Oh and Jessica I can’t belive your story either! What an A**hole!
tina 74
Sara -why do you like the guy that did not like you? The ones that are nice you do not like- need some self reflection it sounds like.
starthrower68 75
It’s a shame to have to be so cynical, but believe nothing that is said and see what he DOES. The trite old phrase “talk is cheap” is really true. He’s got to “walk the walk”. Our job, as Evan has so elgantly stated, is to sit back and watch what he DOES. If we like it, stay. If we don’t, go. It truly is that simple.
Sara 76
Well I thought he liked me, thats why its so frustrating. If a guy doesnt like a girl then why would he lead her to believe so? I wouldn’t do that to a guy. Just rude in my opinion.
Maria 77
Thats why it’s important to date several men at a time. You don’t know where the guy is in his dating cycle when you go out with him- and he’s not going to tell you (and don’t be rediculous and ask either!!!.) Maybe he met someone else he really likes, maybe he’s dating three others he really likes. Guys will get a girl they have a “thing” for out of their system and WILL call you again IF they had a nice time with you AND you didn’t obsess over them (call text stalk LOL)following the date.Men always come back around. Don’t even sweat it, just have fun!!
Sara 78
Thanks Maria! I know he’s not dating anyone else though because I have friends that know him well.
But what do you mean by this: ” Guys will get a girl they have a thing for out of their system and WILL call you again IF they had a nice time with you AND you didn’t obsess over them”
Maria 79
He may not be dating anyone else, but he may be seeing someone else. Sometimes you meet/date a man who is seeing someone else sexually that he knows isn’t going to go the distance- but he’s still seeing her. When he’s done with her, he will call you if he had a nice time with you. The road to true love isn’t always a straight road. Have patience, and have fun.
Sara 80
Well its been almost 2 months since our date, so I know hes not gonna call me, he’d look like an idiot to wait this long. Plus i’d probably turn down a guy that waited too long to call me.
Maria 81
Sara, you might see him again and think, “what was I thinkin?” Timing is everything. But on the off chance that you run into him, and he shows interest and he still looks good to you, be open minded and just go for it! You might be surprised to learn that sometimes a man I dated months ago will come back around. I beleive they all eventually come back around (especially if you never have sex with them, or especially if you have great sex with them.)If it should happen, take it for the compliment it is. Acceptance vice expectance.
Sara 82
The thing is, I barely even got to know the guy and he disappeared, maybe 1 or 2 dates thats it. And I never even kissed him, he just seemed totally interested in hanging out again then never called.
Maria 83
You have mutual friends, as you mentioned in your previous posts. It is entirely possible that due to mutual contacts you will run into him again at some point. In the meantime…date others and have fun!! Take up a new interest, join a meet-up club and get busy!!
Sara 84
We shall see
starthrower68 85
While I can see and understand Maria’s points, I can see Sara’s reluctance should the guy come back around. When a guy disappears a smart woman will accept it, cut the emotional ties, and move on with her life. She’s done. If he should decide that he wants to reinsert himself into her life, it’s difficult for a woman to shift gears emotionally to let him back in. Its like something has been lost. Of course there are going to be exceptions to this, but it’s just an observation based on experience. When I’ve run across someone who wants to drift in and out of my life as he will, I eventually tell him just to stay away.
Sara 86
True starthrower, its like I’ve already moved on. If he DID decide to call me now, it would really have me wondering about the guy and why he would all of a sudden decide to call now.
But nothing like this has ever happened to me before, where the guy acted interested and then never called. Its all so strange!
Joe 87
Maybe he thinks YOU disappeared…
Sara 88
I doubt it. The guys always followup if they like a girl, at least from my experience.
I did text him a few days after our date in which he replied. But I have heard nothing since.
musicgirl 89
thank you all for your comments and observations. i couldn’t sleep tonight because i’ve been waiting for some response from a guy i had two great dates with, and for the third, he ended up staying the night. sounds fast, yes, but we had such a great chemistry and connection. i’ve seen him once since then, but he gave me the obligatory “hug” at the end of our conversation, and had to leave abruptly for work. we texted that night but i haven’t heard from him since, after a couple emails to follow up on some work we were doing together. i don’t get it – it seemed like we had such a good connection, conversation flowing, and everything. maybe the fact that we were drinking the night we finally got together made things more unclear…who knows. all i know is that through reading the posts, i need to move on. for whatever reasons, he’s not ready to see or talk with me now. *sigh
Lisa 90
Okay I dont usually invest my heart on a first date so I agree, at that stage, it makes you mad but if you never invested in it.. than no big loss.. But here is my issue. This has happened to me the last two times I met someone and the relationship has gone from 4-7 months! and they just fall off the earth.. So it sounds like my serious problem right?
This is the last relationship I had it was 4 months in. Even the last conversation I had didnt make sense. It was “Sweetie I will call you tomorrow” “Have fun with your friends”, What time will you get back to town”? “I work this weekend so we will make plans for next weekend”. “I miss you, talk to you tomorrow”
We live in different towns hour and a half away from each other at the present time because he travels with his work crew. Next day, which was Saturday, he didnt call or didnt answer my call. Havent heard from him since. The last time we were together we seemed to have a great time as always. He made me feel like I could really be myself around him and we always had great conversations. I really dont get it. Both of us always discussed, just be honest, straight forward, no games! Because we are older and tired of the games.. So yeah I am driving myself crazy.. What gives?
Noel 91
I like Maria & hunters posts – great advice! I recently went on a date w a guy. He pursued me, we had a great time & then, he was abducted by aliens??? Well, I’m not real sure what happened to him. At first i was upset, sad, wondered if I did or said something. Looking back, he always seemed happy, he followed up afterwards unprompted. I mean there were only good, positive signs the whole time. I did have a wonderful time with him & I was really thrown by his interest & then abrupt disappearance. But I’m going to let it go now because of this blog! Very helpful & some of the comments have made me feel so much better. Thanks Evan, Maria & Hunter.
LeahC 92
Wow! Just joined this conversation! More info to add… Chew on this. I’m divorced 2 little boys, own my own business. Live in small town. My ex husband did everything in a marriage to kill it that he possibly could including almost leaving me for dead. I have been dating around for 3 yrs. I am seeing a counselor so she can help me make sense out of all this. I’m a very strong girl and I’m even able to laugh about the situation now. About a yr. ago I met a man who knocked my socks off. We were set up on a blind date. He does not live in the same town as me but I iWork in his town on a regular basis. He is from my home town but rarely gets here because he’s a surgeon with 4 practices. Everything went swimmingly on the first date… He asked my friend or my number. Called 3 days later. We tried to make plans for the future. Couldn’t connect due to my son being sick. He called again and I couldn’t make it into town. So the next time I was there… I texted him and we were able to meet for drinks… He dove into asking me about my divorce. So I asked him how long he had been divorced.. he said he had been separated for 8 yrs. she lives in another state… After the date he offered to fly down and take me to my cousins wedding… I declined because my whole entire family was going to be there and he would have had an encounter with meeting my sons… Yikes. Too early!?
The next time I was in town… I let him know. Immediately received a phone call from him… Making plans… At the end of the date… We made plans for Thanksgiving… He ended up canceling because his teenagedaughter was coming to stay with him. Over the holiday he texted me. But I didn’t bother him… He said sorry about canceling.. That we’d make plans again soon… I said.. Just call me. 2 mos. past without a word on either end and then he came to town and asked me to go out wit him and his siblings… It went great. Then he called me on my birthday. He asked when Iwas coming in again so we made plans….saw each other. BUT then… The shift…. No contact for 4 months.. Then I got weak when I was talked into contacting him by the friend who set us up. he immediately called me and made plans to see me…long story made short…. He said he would like me to contact him when I come to town… I gave it three more try’s and then received a text telling me he had been seeing someone for past couple weeks And I quote, “May not last long, though…wanted to b honest” I sent a farewell text…” Sorry to bother. I understand. Good luck. Bye for now.” After that… I deleted him out of my contacts…not because I’m viscious but because I need to forget him… This sucks because I’ve had a crush on him since I was in 7th grade… So what is your advice if he comes back around? Please keep in mind… I’m not bitter. I’m pretty smart as to what’s going on. My friend who set us up who has been around us says it just doesn’t make sense… He’s not a bad person.. I just think our timing was wrong. And keep in mind… I was seeing 3 other guys at the same time because I was not going to put all my eggs in one basket.. Please comment and im sorry bout the long boring deets.
LeahC 93
And to comment on the whole “coming back around” thing… Ive recently had a college boyfriend from 15 yrs. ago come back around. I know Evan says they won’t if they disappear… But I think it depends on how it was left… If the man doesn’t say anything and doesn’t reply to your text/ calls/ emails… Then that’s grounds for dismissal. Move on. If you are able to draw a different conclusion And exit in a classy non threatening way…I think he may call again. BUT LEAVE HIM ALONE! If you keep calling him, you look desparate and hurt. If you act like its no big deal… Then you appear confident, like you have an Ace up your sleeve and that he didn’t get under your skin… Meanwhile… It’s getting under his because he can’t figure out why you were so cool and didn’t react psychotically like the ones who came before you. Food for thought, ladies!
marymary 94
Leah
beware of taking men back who have been flaky or not treated you well. Either they treat you even worse because they realise you forgive anything, or you don’t respect them or yourself because in the back of your mind you’re thinking, I put up with x and waited y FOR THIS? Are they really that special that they deserve a second, third or whatever chance? Not many people are that special. Not even me. And If he was that special I hazard it would have worked out first time round.
and be careful you haven’t built up these people in your mind during their absences. Fantasy is compelling but it’s the real real person you deal with.
if he comes back, in your position I would give him a good ignoring.. Nor would I initiate contact. I’ve been on this merry go round more times than I care to remember. total waste of time and I’m sure the men would agree.
Joe 95
Why the heck are you fired up about a guy who kept his options open…when you were doing the same thing?
LeahC 96
MaryMary- not going to initiate contact ever again. No worries there. Don’t have his number anymore
Joe- lost in translate, man! I’m not fired up.Especially since I’ve never been this excited about a man in a long time. I’m not a doormat. I’m just more tolerable of some situations. I’ve done the marriage thing and I’m no where near doing it again… Maybe never. I just want to have fun with someone I have things in common with. He seemed to fit the bill. There is info I’m not going to bore u with but a little background .. Unlike me… He just got divorced… And there’s an ex girlfriend that I know who was waiting to get her claws in him once he was free… Her personality is a little different than mine. She’s a money grubbing hardcore bitty. They’ve had rounds since high school and it has never worked. The ex wife was psychotic… So I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt because of the information I know. If I didn’t know any of this I would be saying, EFF U and the horse u rode in on!