Comments on: Why Do I Still Get Dumped Even When I Settle?

By: helene

helene — Wed, 13 Apr 2011 23:44:29 +0000

I totally understand Nancy. This totally sucks. We learn (the hard way) that hot guys can treat you like trash. They can do this – we are told – because they have SO many other options they can afford to trample on a good woman’s love and affection, confident that there will always be another one waiting round the corner. Average guys, so the theory goes, have LESS options so they are less inclined to trample on a good thing when it comes along. But hey! Not so in Nancy’s case.So we are left with – the hot guys think they can treat you like trash. The average guys ALSO thing they can treat you like trash.Who does that leave??????
Sorry if I sound kinda fed up here but I just had a text an hour ago (A TEXT!) from the guy I’ve been seeing cancelling our date for tomorrow evening (and forevermore) because he’s suddenly decided he’s quitting his job and moving back to France. A text. No discussion, no “how do YOU feel about me quitting my job and moving back to France?” just a text saying game over.

By: Joe

Joe — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 23:35:16 +0000

Does this guy, whether a 10 or a 5, think that you would make a good wife or mother of his child? Or like every Guy, he’s just interested in Sex without the relationship? Because it seems like most women, you want a “Relationship” but like most men, “he wants only sex” – If you want a relationship, then you have to ask the Guy if he is serious about marriage, because without marriage, a guy will eventually leave you. Even marriage is not a guarantee for loyalty, but at least there will be financial consequences.

By: Karl R

Karl R — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 22:05:51 +0000

JerseyGirl said: (#34) "I personally don’t like how men will say they want something more then just sex, even get upset if they are protrayed as sex chasers only, but if sex is offered, will take the woman up on it. Then act like it’s her fault for 'giving it up' too soon." Let me draw a comparison. Most women say they aren't into guys for their money, and get angry if they're portrayed as gold-diggers only. But I've never had a woman refuse to go on a date just because it cost me over $100 or $200 ... even when the relationship was never going to become that serious. If a man can't afford to spend more than $50 on a casual date, then it's his responsibility to choose dates within his budget. The woman's not to blame if he doesn't. If it's "too soon" in a relationship for you to have sex, then it's your responsibility to say "No." JerseyGirl said: (#34) "because 9 times out of 10 the woman is blamed for sleeping too soon with a guy" 9 times out of 10 it's the woman who is complaining about the consequences. If the man is complaining about the consequences, I'll happily point out to him that he is responsible for his choices, and that he gets to live with the consequences of those choices. JerseyGirl said: (#34) "and it being okay that he went on a whim of his hormones." It's okay with me if you choose to have sex on a whim of your hormones. But if you choose to do so, it's not the man's responsibility to tell you that you shouldn't. He's your date, not your mother. You seem very interested in "fault" and "blame" with regards to sex. If a man and a woman meet, decide to have sex, and end up in bed together all within 10 minutes, they both made a consensual decision. If both of them end up being happy with that decision, would you say that either of them is at fault or should be blamed? If both of them end up being unhappy with that decision, wouldn't you say that both of them are responsible for making a bad decision. So if one person ends up being happy with the decision, and one person ends up being unhappy with the decision.... I'm going to say that the unhappy person is responsible for making a decision which led to unhappiness. The happy person is responsible for making a decision that they're happy with. From my point of view, the way you seek to ascribe "fault" and "blame" to the happy party (for a consensual decision) seems ludicrous.

By: JerseyGirl

JerseyGirl — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 16:14:50 +0000

Bill #25, while your point is valid in some cases, women don’t always use sex to keep a man around or interested. Sometimes we have sex because we physically feel like it and really like a man. Because we are sometimes capable of the same feelings of lust and attraction that men are. However, most women aren’t going to sleep with a man that they don’t seem more potential for. From a female perspective, I personally don’t like how men will say they want something more then just sex, even get upset if they are protrayed as sex chasers only, but if sex is offered, will take the woman up on it. Then act like it’s her fault for “giving it up” too soon. I often feel like women are responsible for not only their actions but his actions as well because 9 times out of 10 the woman is blamed for sleeping too soon with a guy and a guy is defended as being a “man” and it being okay that he went on a whim of his hormones. And all the while, while men will pander to their hormones, women aren’t suppose to think that all they are interested in sex. It’s a bit confusing to be honest.

Chris #20, I’m personally not a fan of the scale of rating people 1-10 because I think it’s high schoolerish. But I do think even average guys think they deserve a certain level above themselves. Even you in your advice, you say that men will settle for who accepts them (not flattering either to a woman either ) but you got to admit that you are bragging a little bit that you’ve dated women who you consider “10s” who accepted you and one who will be your wife. So while I don’t think men will hold out for super attractive women, I do think men hold these women above all others and even if they are with an average girl, will spend the rest of their lives lusting after super hot ones even if they form a relationship with a woman who accepts him.

By: Kat Wilder

Kat Wilder — Wed, 03 Nov 2010 18:32:10 +0000

I’m going to second (third? fourth?) what some others above have said.
It seems there may be a “too fast, too soon” thing going on … along with expectations (“I’m so great; what’s wrong with him?”) and, pardon me for being blunt, a neediness.
You want a relationship. You’ve been dating for five years without much (long-term) luck). It’s easy to get frustrated and bitter (not saying that you are). Men you’re meeting may not be feeling the same thing, quite honestly; they may not be looking to settle down.
I think you might be approaching dating by looking at each man as a partner, instead of looking at him as a date and seeing where you fit and where you don’t. Getting dumped is the price we pay for trying to figure it out. Sorry, but there’s no other way to do it.
Except an arranged marriage.

By: nancy

nancy — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 15:19:07 +0000

Wow!! I’m Nancy – thanks everyone for all the great feedback and thank you Evan for some real food for thought. Just to redeem myself a bit here: I’m not self-centered, I have been married, I don’t blame men or I wouldn’t have written Evan (I am a huge proponent of taking responsiblity for our own lives and the results of our own actions) and this was a learning exercise in stepping outside of my comfort zone. To those of you who wondered why I kept answering the phone when the guy called – the answer is simple – because I was hoping. I am still hopeful, but perhaps not with this relationship. There are some awesome responses – wish I could meet many of you in person! Clearly I don’t visit this site enough and will have to make it a point to become a more frequent visitor.

As for the guy, I saw him again this weekend. It was a great example of doing the same thing and yet expecting different results – oops. I’m still attracted to him and I’m still human - when we’re together he is awesome – although I saw some interesting personality changes this time around. He’s awesome until the point at which we part ways – and I don’t hear from him for weeks. One of my closest friends put it best when she said “nanc, what do you expect? you allow this to happen”. Having just sat here and read through all the great responses (positive and negative), I can honestly say that I have. I can also say that I’ve learned much and won’t judge all men based on my experiences with a few.

Picking myself up, learning, and moving on………….

By: Bill

Bill — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 17:51:56 +0000

The truth I have seen really fat unattractive women happy with a man. So if your better way better than a really fat women than there has to be something wrong with you. It is your personality.
I was watching Mad Man last night women are very much into there looks because thats what men see but the truth men care about personality way more than what you look like. But if he had the choose between two girls with similar levels of personality he would pick the more attractive one. The truth personality is more important than looks.

By: Kaitlyn

Kaitlyn — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 16:48:03 +0000

I’m curious how many people Nancy is dating at any one given time, why she is continuing to accept calls from a guy that is obviously only interested in sex (unless she is ok with that) and how she became so attached to someone she was casually dating so quickly.

I don’t care if he is a “7″ or a “10″…at 2 or 3 months of “dating” you are just really getting to know a person (at least in my opinion) and if someone has shown you who they are (ie. only calling for random ‘bootie’ calls) then believe them. I’m also relatively new back into the dating world (after a 5 year relationship/me calling off an engagement) and am being very cautious…so perhaps my point of view is off a bit.

That said, though, I would question what ‘vibe’ Nancy is putting out there to these men that she is meeting if this pattern continues to repeat itself in her life. Is she coming across too needy too quickly? Is she moving/pushing too quickly to see a “relationship” where there isn’t one? I wonder if having been single for 5 years and looking for that elusive relationship…if that is coming across to the guys that she is dating?

By: Goldie

Goldie — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 15:35:39 +0000

Ughhhh. Can we all go a little easier on Nancy and not assume she “thinks she’s better than anyone else” just because she: 1)had the gall to admit she has good looks, a successful career and a sense of humor; and 2)decided to try it with a guy that would normally be out of her dating pool? I do not see it anywhere in her letter that she looks down on the guy. She says she’s attracted to him, for crying out loud – even while he’s using her as a booty call.

Why on earth is it that we encourage our fellow women to be empowered, be confident, not downplay their good qualities… then, when one of us actually does these things, we’re ready to rip her head off for it?! Let’s not turn into the Harvard Sailing Team here, people Okay, rant complete.

@Selena #6: “And why is there the presumption that “less attractive” people (as subjective as that is) are somehow different than their more attractive counterparts?”

Yes, I think this is where Nancy’s problem lies. Why did she assume that? My guess is…

1) It has been mentioned on this blog multiple times

2) Really attractive, popular etc. people are assumed to be spoiled due to all the attention they get throughout their lives, while people that are not as hot/popular are assumed to have developed better human qualities to make up for their insufficiently good looks. IMO, both assumptions are stereotypes. No one is that straightforward. Take Nancy’s guy, for instance – stringing her along, not having the decency to even break up properly, keeping her around for when his urge strikes, using her attraction to him for his own advantage. Sounds like quite the charmer, doesn’t he?

I like Christie’s idea (##11 & 23) – just take the looks out of the equation entirely. They’re irrelevant. Define your comfort zone as something based on people’s personal qualities, not external stuff like the looks. Then venture out of it Christie, please feel free to correct me if I got that one wrong. I’m still learning myself.

By: starthrower68

starthrower68 — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 23:18:20 +0000

Nancy If it makes you feel better, I found out today that the guy I had been dating for almost 2 months hit on one of my best friends. Yeah, I know all the stuff Evan says, but it still doesn’t feel good. I’m doing exactly what Evan says, however, and walking. And really, if he’s not smart enough to know that girls talk, then I need to move on anyway.