Aug29

Why Do Men Act Like They’re Interested If They’re Really Not?

09:18 am on Aug 29th 2007 Evan Marc Katz

Finding the One Online is a comprehensive, life-changing program that covers everything I teach my clients about online dating. If you want to get your love life on track and aren't sure where to start, Finding the One Online is the best investment you can make.

59 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice, Uncategorized

59 Responses to “Why Do Men Act Like They’re Interested If They’re Really Not?”

1. Aussie Girl Aug 29th 2007 at 10:47 am 1

   This was a great article Evan. I had been what ‘I’ called dating someone over the last 2 months. The chemistry was great, we had a lot in common and our compatability on all levels was incredible. He has been divorced now 10 years so I felt safe that he was over it and was ready to consider another person in his life. All of the advice I had received when we met was right on. They all said, ‘he wont commit, he doesnt want kids or doesnt plan on getting married again’. While I never planned on changing him (easy as it is to say), I took the relationship casual, as he indicated it would be from the beginning but hoped things over time may have evolved. Out of the blue, I am told this week that he has no spark and doesnt have the same intensity that I have towards our time together, telling me he doesnt want to pursue something as he cant see it working out. Hearing someone has no spark with you after 2 months really, but I give him 100% for his honesty, something that is very hard to find these days in any man. I am writing this in the hope that I will understand this kind of behavious and know what to look out for next time, I feel all of this dating activity must have a ‘learning’ element to it also. Really, though, he has done me a favour so that I can find someone else who will adore and love me like I deserve, someone who can truly find the ’spark’ that he believed wasnt there. Hey, you can have ’spark’ wiht everyone can you! Love shouldnt be so hard, you cant chase them. If they are not into you, you can only hope they do the right thing and say that in the early stages, this will save many tears later…..

2. Jaya Aug 29th 2007 at 11:17 am 2

   Your posts are SO refreshing, Evan. I’m a new reader, and really enjoying how you tell the truth.

   I’d like to add that another reason why a man might not give mixed signals is that he might not know how he feels about you yet! In otherwords, he sees you as a “maybe.”

   If you’re the type of person who wants and needs a total “yes!” then move on. Like Evan says, if a man is a total “yes” you’ll usually know without ambiguity. If it’s ambigous, there’s your answer–maybe, not yes.

   Same w/ women btw. I’m just starting to date, and I want to date and flirt some. Just because I’m having fun with you doesn’t mean it’s going to turn into an exclusive relationship, and I’d hate to have that expectation imposed on me right now. Though like most women, I’m comfortable talking about it. I’d hope that a guy who was unclear would ask if for clarity if he was harboring any uncertainties.

3. JimmyE Aug 29th 2007 at 11:34 am 3

   The best paragraph in Ewan’s response is where you compare the male brush off to the female brush off. I think we understand these situations better if we get out of our ‘battle of the sexes’ mindset, and ask if the behaviour we despise is so different from our own.

4. Lisa Aug 29th 2007 at 12:33 pm 4

   What’s confusing is when the guy does all the signals someone who’s interested does–calling you everyday, arranging to see you every week or more often– and then abruptly pops off the radar screen after several weeks, a month or two. Sure, a vanishing act after only 1 or a few dates will lead you to conclude he just wasn’t that into you, but it’s very perplexing when you’ve spent an appreciable amount of time getting to know each other, enough to establish a relationship. You’re left wondering how you misread him so completely. I guess maybe it just takes some people longer than others to decide it’s not a great match.

5. Isabella Aug 29th 2007 at 06:43 pm 5

   I just read your last blog, why men act interested when their not… and I got to the end… felt defeated and just cried. Maybe it wasn’t defeat.. maybe it was acceptance. On some level I know what you are saying is true. Another part of me liked the denial and false hope.. maybe before I didn’t have to face how many men haven’t really wanted to date me by rationalizing and ascribing false motivations to their actions.

   So fine. It is what it is. Maybe it will be cleaner to just accept that and not invest any more thought into things, the way “he’s just not that into you” freed up a lot of inner turmoil.

6. ABF Aug 30th 2007 at 05:47 am 6

   OK Evan, I’ll give you the fact that guys stay more in the moment then women when dating. I also agree that women who pin their hopes on men who explicitly state that they are not interested in anything long term, etc. are kidding themselves and should walk away from those relationships if they want more. BUT . . . I do wish more relationship advice givers would tell men that they need to own up to their end. They should continually inform men that if they are spending a great deal of time with a woman and sleeping with her she is (more likely than not) going to think that there is a potential for more. They need to man up and be as kind to her feelings as possible. Even if that means walking away from a “fun time.” Anything less is just immature and cruel.

7. sheseizereason Aug 30th 2007 at 05:03 pm 7

   Hmmm. I agree with Evan’s response for the most part, but I don’t think he answered the question about men’s culpability in the matter.

   Let’s put it this way: A woman goes out with a man and unequivocally states she won’t sleep with him because she’s a Rules girl or doesn’t believe in premarital sex or whatever. But she shows up for the date anyway with her cleavage on full display, her tiny miniskirt to kingdom come, and 5-inch fuck-me shoes on. She looks at her date all night long from under her eyelashes and sips provocatively from her Shirley Temple. As she tips back the last of her drink, she picks the cherry with her french-tipped fingers and sucks daintily at the fruit through shellacked, swollen lips while eyeing her date meaningfully. Would you blame the guy for thinking “maybe….just maybe she’ll make me the exception to her rule”? And when the date ends and all he goes home with is a pious peck on the cheek and the world’s bluest balls, doesn’t he have the right to be even a little bit miffed?

   Well that’s analogous to what’s going on in the minds of many a woman who feels she had her heart strings tugged by a guy who had no intention of committing. She feels manipulated.

   Miss Miniskirt knows what she’s doing, and I wager 99% of guys who successfully string women along – even after openly admitting no chance of a relationship – know exactly what they’re doing too. And if a girl can be blamed for being a “dicktease”, what does that make one of these guys?

8. Evan Marc Katz Aug 30th 2007 at 05:15 pm 8

   Thanks, SheSeize. This is a great analogy (and some very purple prose)!

   But here’s the thing about male culpability: it just doesn’t matter.

   Yes, I get it: Men are wrong. Men lie for sex. Men string women along. No argument here. But there is no power in pointing out the obvious. You know why? Because YOU CAN’T CHANGE MEN!

   We can complain to the high heavens about guys and their immoral behavior, and guess what? Tomorrow, some douchebag is going to sleep with a woman he doesn’t care about and never call her again. And around and around we go.

   So…since we can’t change HIM, how can we make sure that she either a) doesn’t put herself in that position anymore, or b) understands that this is the way men are going to be, no matter how much we wish they were otherwise.

   My blog isn’t about assigning fault. Men lie. Women are teases. Blahblahblah. The reason to keep reading here is to better understand how people ARE and then figure out how to proceed from there. Complaining about how we’re constantly wrong teaches us nothing. Our power comes from making different decisions in spite of a harsh reality.

   Thanks again for your very insightful comment.

9. Jonas Aug 30th 2007 at 07:55 pm 9

   I think it’s sometimes helpful to discuss the ethics of situations and even to ascribe blame. Reading your article helped me reaffirm my decision to stop sleeping with women I don’t care for in ‘that’ way. I don’t know – maybe as I got older I just started to feel more empathy for these women. Or I lost my taste for dealing with embittered ex-es. Who knows? Maybe there are other guys out there reading this who will take an extra second to think of the consequences to a girl’s feelings before they open their mouths (or flies).

10. ABF Aug 31st 2007 at 07:01 am 10

    “You Can’t Change Men?” I call bullshit. Men aren’t capable of telling the truth? Men aren’t capable of understanding that women view sex and intimacy differently? That is an enormous cop out, Evan. I am willing to do my part in getting what I want (keep the relationship going at a pace that allows me to learn the guy’s motives, understand that a couple of fun dates are nothing more than just that; etc.) But I think it is completely disingenuous of you to suggest that men shouldn’t take responsibility for their actions and leave the developing of relationships squarely on the woman’s shoulders. Would you advise a male client any differently? A close friend or brother? Would you want your potential sons to act any differently?

11. Evan Marc Katz Aug 31st 2007 at 08:55 am 11

    Appreciate your note, ABF. And since I keep getting notes like this, I’m writing a special blog post next week to address them.

    But for the record, I have never said that “men shouldn’t take responsibility for their actions and leave the developing of relationships squarely on the woman’s shoulders”.

    I do not advocate poor behavior or lack of integrity for men.

    I don’t even excuse it.

    I observe that IT HAPPENS.

    So if it’s going to happen – if men are going to continue to separate sex and love – how can you, as a woman, be careful, smart, and not get involved with a such guys?

    This is why I write. To explain men to women, and women to men. I hope you feel that this is a valuable forum. Thanks for reading and commenting.

12. JimmyE Aug 31st 2007 at 04:04 pm 12

    I think there should be an online discussion between all the women who think Evan doesn’t criticise men enough, and the men who think that he’s far too soft on women (from the previous blog post, Why is Evan so critical of men?)

13. Raindreamer Sep 4th 2007 at 11:24 pm 13

    I think I understand Ewans point here. This was a posting about how to avoid getting hurt – instead of about being of moral. Yet I don’t think all the men are like this nor that men could not understand better – as Jonas’ comment show to us (raise my hat to you). Yet I have to admit that I’ve been saved by a lot by being slow with my moves.

    Not all the men are players and not all the women are teasers. I don’t wear short skirt and a lot of make up. I don’t like to tease – I thik it is misleading men. I feel one should not. And I am sure there are men who don’t lie. Yet there are players in the dating world – both men and women – and no one should ignore that.

14. sesaria Sep 6th 2007 at 11:39 pm 14

    Evan is so wise. For one so young, yet so integrated. It helps that you communicate perfectly, that you’re able to articulate what need be said. I admire your generosity and big heart, really, when you give you advices. Don’t worry about what they say about you harsh on men/woman….. you say it like it is– and you say it so well, for both sexes. And you take it from the high-end.

15. Lejic Gunes Oct 3rd 2007 at 11:42 pm 15

    Great article. I’d just like to add my two cents to it.

    Well, even though I wouldn’t go out and say “Miss Miniskirts knows what she’s doing”, I do believe that women flirt a lot. I AM a woman, and I flirt a lot. I only realized how awful the situation was after my boyfriend’s childhood friend asked me out. I was shocked. I have fun with him and everything – but I never thought I’d given any hints about liking him that way, surely not enough to try and take his childhood friend’s girlfriend!?
    After that I talked with my male friends, which I have a lot of because I’m kind of a tomboy – and they all said that I flirt a lot. They said that while they did eventually figure that I wasn’t into them, they all at some point thought I wanted them in a sexual way.
    Women don’t do this to be teasers – it’s not just our dates (maybe the dated we tease sometimes!) it’s our male friends even. We just are used to the hugging and kissing on the cheek and talking about sex openly with our girl friends – so we if we get a guy friend we don’t understand that these everyday things become messages to them, sometimes. I wouldn’t have thought that kissing a man on the cheeks to say ‘hello’ was flirting – my friends have told me otherwise.

    In conclusion; men might seem to “give hope” sometimes but… It’s not because they are evil or mean. It’s just that they want to have a good time: That’s the point of a date. I do the same thing – I laugh and I smile and I try and make it a good evening, even if afterwards I decide that I don’t want a second date. You want to be on your best behavior, you want to look good and give your date a good time – what else is he supposed to do anyway? I mean, he’s asked you on a date so obviously he at least wants to give it a shot. Halfway through it, if he decides he doesn’t want to date you again, he’s supposed to just say “Yeah that fancy restaurant after the movie thing? I don’t really feel like it, let’s go to Burger King” ?

    What everybody, man or woman, needs to know while dating is that dating is done to have fun. If it was a commitment, people would just get married before dating like in the good old days. Dating is something you do for fun, and if you feel you connect with the person, you keep doing it. Like getting a friend; do you instantly become best friends with everyone you meet and chat with? Or just because you work at the same place and seem to have fun – do you invite a woman for a slumber party and be “BBF”? No. You laugh, maybe have coffee, and if you connect, you start calling each other and meeting after work to have fun.

    Just like that, dating is something you do for fun that sometimes ends with two people “clicking” and grows into more. Dating isn’t “the thing you do right before you’re in a relationship”.
    Because of this, both men and women try to make the most of it. Women flirt a) because it’s simply how they are with their friends too and b) society tells us that men like sexy women. How many men have expressed how hot they are for Hewlett Packard’s female CEO? How many people have expressed how they’d “bone” ? It seems to women that being sexy will get them a man. What they don’t realize is that the man isn’t proposing to that hot actress, he just wants to sleep with her, not marry her.
    That said, it is also true that a lot of women, like me, enjoy sex. Not many can have it without emotions being involved – but maybe if she’s wearing a miniskirt, she really did think about sleeping with you that night. Yet, just like how you can arrange a romantic first date and end up not calling her because you didn’t find her to be a good fit, she might decide the same thing by the end of the date.

    One more thing to end this too-long post:
    It’s not just women who get “misguided” – I’m talking about sex/emotion. I’ve met many who think there should be something emotional about sex – while they like the thought of casual sex, if they slept with a woman after a good date, they would see that as the start of a relationship. A woman, however, might not. I realize it’s usually women who want the emotional part, but we all know it can be the other way around.

    And last but not least: Men might not call, but do they ever tell you they can’t go out on a second date because they have to “wash their hair” that night? Probably not.
    They might end things more harshly but in the end that’s better than girls sometimes because they keep making excuses and apologizing so much “I forgot my mom was coming over I’m soso sorry!” that the man things there still is something, he actually waits for her. A woman can just start getting over him right away.

    Very long post, I apologize. It just hit the spot, I have a lot of experience with this one!

16. downtowngal Oct 7th 2007 at 02:28 pm 16

    “…all that matters is how quickly he follows up to see you again.” True indeed!

    I went out with a guy last year – we hit it off, had a great time. At the end of our first date – which was on a Wednesday – we discussed getting together again. I thought he would have suggested a day right then & there (perhaps that weekend) but instead said, ‘ok I’ll call you this weekend’. I got a weird vibe about it. Some friends told me just to chill out, he probably has stuff going on, who knows? Turns out my gut was right – he did call eventually and we went out again, but he then play this disappearing act, then call a couple of weeks later complaining about how busy he’s been with work. This was a guy who kept saying how he wanted to settle down & have kids, yet he couldn’t walk the talk.

    I wholeheartedly agree with you Evan, if a guy wants to see you he’ll make the effort. Anything less says it’s time to move on.

17. jackie Dec 21st 2007 at 11:21 am 17

    This topic really irritates me… If women would actually LISTEN to these men when they are expressing what they are NOT willing to do… women would not be so bitter about men. Its not like they are lying to them, or cheating or anything to hurt them, since they have been told ALREADY that there is no commitment. Then these commitment hungry ladies could actually go find a man that actually WANTED to be with them and stop wasting their time trying to change these men, who OBVIOUSLY don’t want to change.. and why should they.. they are already honest, up front guys. that say what they want (or don’t want)..and isn’t that what every woman wants?

18. JuJu Dec 21st 2007 at 02:57 pm 18

    Evan said, “But since I don’t think most of the books go far enough in actually getting women to change their behavioral patterns, let’s do that today.”

    Interesting. Should I even comment on this or is it already obvious what I am going to say?

    I do agree with the post, by the way. But I also dated a man who verbally planned out our entire life together, in the very beginning of the relationship (no, I did not take it seriously (I am not quite that deluded! ), nor could I honestly claim that I felt that way about him), and insisted on seeing me every day, and was generally very passionate. When I called him on all the things he said, however, after he broke up with me a relatively short while later, he actually said, incredulously, “How could you be so naive as to believe what a man says??”

    I am also not assigning blame, though (including to myself – there was a multitude of red flags I ignored). Nothing is inherently good or bad (it only becomes so in the observer’s assessment), everything is just the way it is.

19. hunter Dec 21st 2007 at 04:23 pm 19

    to Jackie,

    I sense most women want to change the man they are with because, men they have chemistry for, are far and few….

20. m Dec 21st 2007 at 05:40 pm 20

    “I do agree with the post, by the way. But I also dated a man who verbally planned out our entire life together, in the very beginning of the relationship (no, I did not take it seriously (I am not quite that deluded! ), nor could I honestly claim that I felt that way about him), and insisted on seeing me every day, and was generally very passionate. When I called him on all the things he said, however, after he broke up with me a relatively short while later, he actually said, incredulously, “How could you be so naive as to believe what a man says??””

    What I REALLY love is how the same men are the ones to always be pissing and moaning and bitching about how “women don’t trust men”.

    Yeah.

    Does ANYONE see that a weak “it happens” is just a cop-out for men to continue their bullshit behavior?

21. Sibel Mar 27th 2008 at 08:31 pm 21

    Hello:

    I was wondering if you could ever post an article regarding based on religion, searching for a partner online, actually mine is more phone relationship, due to religion we are not supposed to date, so we ask questions regarding what do we expect from a prospective partner. He was calling every night per say, and for the last three days he has only called in the morning and he makes the calls very short, I only called him once ( to get even because he woke me up LOL), but I don’t know how to handle this situation, I don’t even know if I should be upfront and ask if he has lost the interest and found another profile that might be more suitable LOL… I don’t have any male friends to ask for advice, as you can see I am not too experienced, so If you have any Ideas or maybe talking about this would be something that interests you, I would appreciate it.

22. JerseyGirl Mar 28th 2008 at 07:54 am 22

    “You Can’t Change Men?” I call bullshit. Men aren’t capable of telling the truth? Men aren’t capable of understanding that women view sex and intimacy differently? That is an enormous cop out, Evan.
    —————————————————————————–

    I completely agree with everything ABF said.

23. Joanna May 8th 2008 at 08:29 am 23

    I just cut off a guy that I was seeing for a little under 3 months. The thing was that he wwould always call me, but would not see me often. I would go weeks without seeing him and he’s only an hour away. I feel like my situation is the reverse. I’m getting the phone calls, but not time spent with eachother. Would do you guys think about that? Why would he keep calling and spend hours on the phone? When I tried to tell him that I wantd to spend more time with him, hehe said that he does what he can. I told him we needed to stop this because I didn’t want a phone relationship. I’m questioning whether I acted to soon!

24. Selena May 8th 2008 at 12:10 pm 24

    Joanna,
    I don’t think you acted too soon to break off a relationship that existed mostly by phone after almost 3 mos. You write “only an hour away”. That not mean much to you, but 2 hours travel time every time you want to see someone can feel like a real drain to some people. Were you willing to do half/most of the driving, or did you expect the majority of the effort to fall to him?

    It sounds like he really enjoyed having “a phone girlfriend”, but wasn’t into you enough to really pursue more on a regular basis. I don’t know how well you know him, but is it possible he is also involved with someone else or dating around? That could also explain the “he does what he can” reasoning.

25. JB May 8th 2008 at 12:44 pm 25

    Dating someone an hour away is just adding more stress and aggravation to any SERIOUS dating scenario. Sure if you want to OCCASIONALLY date someone that far in an open casual relationship that’s fine but unless you’re planning on having a “weekend” serious relationship it’ll only work for awhile. I tell a lot of women I meet “I’m sorry but for the type of relationship I’m looking for I want a woman that lives close to me so we can actually see each other during the week too. I live in a major metropolitan area and I’m not driving an hour to go on date. It’s exhausting over time believe me I’ve done it.
    I’ll wait until I meet someone that lives a normal distance away. But when they scoff, I always say “you’re welcome to come over any time you want and I’ll even let you stay the night” …lol

26. Honey May 8th 2008 at 01:39 pm 26

    My boyfriend lives two hours away and I have driven to see him every single weekend (excepting maybe two) for the last nine months. Of course, we’d been together for over a year when he moved. I was the one in position to drive because of my job and he wasn’t, so that’s why the driving got divided the way that it did. Also it was with the expectation that at the end of those 9 months I would move in with him (which happens Saturday and I’m very excited).

    I guess what you could take from this is that long-distance is possible, but both people have to be committed to it, responsibilities need to be clearly outlined, and there should be a definite end point in sight. It doesn’t sound like you currently have any of that, Joanna. So my suggestion would be to tell him that unless those things can be arranged, you’re going to have to pursue things closer to home.

27. Selena May 8th 2008 at 03:37 pm 27

    Also,
    The skyrocketing price of gas (and the subsequent fallout of the skyrocketing price of groceries due to the skyrocketing price of gas) has made an “only an hour”-each way- drive for a visit a hardship for some people. And a disincentive to maintain a distance casual relationship for others I’m sure.

28. Jo May 12th 2008 at 12:24 pm 28

    It just happened to me too. This guy was great. We went out all the time and then he changed and kept calling us friends. I really liked him, he came and picked me up for lunch twice. I finally said I need space because I really like you and do not like me the same way. I got it.

29. khris Jul 13th 2008 at 07:31 am 29

    Keep it coming Evan, I found your site today and I find it refreshing, honest and very informative, I too am the same way, I don’t try to change the world because it can be a very futile tiring endeavor but I definitely feel information is power.

    Life is too short to blame and point fingers at men and women, hell we all could do that all day and it won’t change a thing. Men will still play games, miscommunicate, pursue endlessly with negative results for the woman and women will fall for it or play the games too.

    I find your information straight forward and to the punch and I by no means find you are hard on men, have anyone you checked out the site that teaches men how to play women, its called how to be a player, trust me after you read how men egg each other on you will find that Evan is pretty lenient on men.

    I find as I give advice women aren’t ready to change themselves, they want men to simply STOP behaving a certain way, that is futile and unrealistic, some women are stuck on bending a mans behavior to there will and it doesn’t work that way.

    Evan is has been pretty clear, he’s not condoning bad behavior, he’s simply helping women to see the contrast in thoughts of men by pointing out men live in the moment where as some women are already picking out the China and ordering the wedding cake or planning the move in date with a man whereas a man is simply having fun and enjoying himself, dating multiple women and even when the man says his true feelings in the beginning I notice some women still keep trying and giving.

    Dating doesn’t mean he’s going to call the next day and if he does call then he’s interested for the time being but it doesn’t mean his interest will remain constant even after 5 or more dates, I noticed a lot of these women that haven’t dated in months or years latch on to men where as the men are dating ALL the time and feel no real urgency to settle with anyone. So there are different level of expectations.

    I myself try and teach women to PAY ATTENTION and date smart (not sleep with) but date as much as possible and to remember relationships are not a cure for loneliness.

    Evan isn’t dismissing bad behavior, he’s simply saying this is what women deal with, this is how men behave and offers remedies to get around this sort of behavior of leading women on. I have to admit I have been thoroughly enlightened and his site is a reminder for me to never fall asleep, I have to constantly re-evaluate everything I thought was true and start over brick by brick so to speak.

    I always felt that connecting with a man meant more down the line but I now realize that its not like that for some men and to also realize that after 6 weeks of dating if a man hasn’t confirmed a yes then a woman is spinning her heels by being exclusive, find other men to have fun with to shift the focus off the man that isn’t meeting your need.

    After visiting the how to be a player site and many other sites that teach men how to game women, pick up women, date many women, how to deal with women from A to Z, I realized when a guy pursues me, after I have walked away he’s pursuing other women and dating other women and he’s having fun and living his life, his objective isn’t to be coupled up unless he makes it clear he sees himself coupled with me exclusively he’s just dating and creating a world that is exclusively beneficial to him and women should do the same, doesn’t mean we have to be mean and surly and angry and bitchy, learn to forgive, let go and keep it moving.

    I don’t feel all men are intentionally malicious, I just feel there is a way that men think and feel which is nothing close to how women feel and think, it has caused huge problems.

    Thank you Evan for being brave enough to tell women whats real and whats the truth, some people will be able to grasp and apply it and some will continue on there journey to doing what doesn’t work until they get sick of it…

    sorry for the long post but I hope some of this makes sense to some of you.

30. Cilla Jul 13th 2008 at 05:30 pm 30

    You know, I think one of the reasons women get so frustrated with men who “poof” (just disappear or run cold after coming on hot) is that this behavior has been perpetrated on them by other WOMEN their whole lives. Think about friendships, especially from grades 6-12, even into college. One day a girl is your best friend, the next she acts like she doesn’t even know you (not all, but it’s a common, accepted practice in girl behavior). As the parent of a teenage boy, I just don’t see this same behavior in male/male friendships. While this tapers off as women age (usually because we learn not to tolerate it or see the red flags early on), it still happens from time to time. We grow up witnessing, and yet hating, this behavior. I think it brings hypersensitivity to the issue when men do it to us. Just my .02.

31. khris Jul 13th 2008 at 10:37 pm 31

    I honestly cilla I don’t think thats the case at all, I feel a lot of women not all but some get threatened by the poof act by men because our self esteem is so wrapped up into what men THINK about us, there is tons of info on the net unlike it was 5-10 years ago about the behavior or men…google players, pick up artist etc and you will see men poofing is because they can and its fun for them and they enjoy the challenges of winning more than one woman, it goes on and on.

    We as women have to STOP blaming ourselves for this kind of behavior, it does nothing for our self esteem and it builds tons of anger and resentment towards the process of dating men and having relationships that are healthy.

    men are teaching one another how to use rejection as a tool and make it work for them but little girls and women are taught through out life that if people disappear/reject us then its because YOU are not good enough, pretty enough, femine enough and countless other reasons. ITS A LIE!!! This is what women have to understand, its not YOU, its him and whatever reasons he wants to make up at the time to leave he will make them up.

    I know I felt powerless over my life because all my self worth was wrapped up into if he likes me and if he doesn’t like me then chose to believe I’m a piece of shit, I had to WAKE UP and stop that non-sense, it was the best thing I did for myself, I feel better, look better, I don’t over eat anymore, I stop hurting myself.

    Women pull your self worth and self esteem out of his IDEAS of whats accpetable asap and recapture love for SELF. This is the biggest lie perpetuated on women, men leave because they are insecure, they leave because they can, they leave because its easier to leave than deal with love because in most cases love isn’t the objective/target and men leave because of curiosity, its not always the womans fault and even if it is her fault it doesn’t make the women less of anything.

    I read a lot of Rori Rayes emails and her ebook Have The Relationship You Want and it talks about women using her feminine energy to captivate a man not using her breast, smile, thighs, feet, hands but her verbal and non verbal feminine energy which is something I wasn’t taught to do growing up and I can assume most women fit into this category, this method inspires men to want more intimacy, there are tools women can use to have the love they want, we don’t have to sit by and be beggars.

    Rori Raye also encourages women to find themselves, love themselves, clean out there own closests and shift the focus on themselves and away from the problems they are having with men because this is the only way a man can truly appreciate his woman by taking care of herself FIRST. I feel that some of us have been given a lot of misinformation about ourselves as women and men in general and its caused a lot pain and frustration. No one told me about the things I know today, I had to go find the information, I had to become a truth seeker and literally dig into it, make mistakes along the way but I never gave up hope.

    Men poof because they poof, for me to sit here and say its my fault he poofed would keep me emotionally in the gutter. I’m sure lack of something albeit chemistry, attraction etc was part of why he poofed but that doesn’t make me less of a desirable woman, less of anything and this is what a woman have to grasp or we will continue to see women that hate men and hate dating and opt to check out of the whole dating scene.

32. Evan Marc Katz Jul 13th 2008 at 10:52 pm 32

    Rori’s great and is a friend of mine here in LA. If you haven’t read her eBook, get it on the right side of this blog, under Top Dating Resources. It’s called Have The Relationship You Want by Rori Raye.

    EMK

33. khris Jul 13th 2008 at 10:53 pm 33

    and one other thing, when I was on my quest for information something I learned that some men are teaching one another is to FIND FLAWS in women, if a woman is aesthetically beautiful and flawless on the outside then find a CHARACTER FLAW which helps the men keep from obsessing and putting the woman on a pedestal, keeps him moving forward if he chooses to continue to date multiple women. So women when your thinking he left because I’m not good enough and I’m not worthy or pretty enough, think again, some not all are being taught to find flaws in order to keep on there mission to capture as many women, as many minds and hearts as they can (whatever the objective is for the man) at the time.

34. Robert Oct 13th 2008 at 11:24 am 34

    While it is unfortunately true that many men will say anything to a girl, it might only be true “at the moment”. After the “haze” lifts, reality sets in. This could be a good or bad thing. Fear may rear its ugly head. Or, it might just be that the guy wasn’t born with a monogamy gene.

35. starthrower68 Dec 12th 2008 at 07:34 pm 35

    Evan,

    Reread this post, and it’s ever salient advice. Now a girl has to figure out to walk that fine line between being self-possessed and protective and unreachable and aloof. What say you, Evan?

36. In Which Text Messaging Ruined Dating But So Does This Movie « This Recording Feb 11th 2009 at 06:27 am 36

    [...] seems to have been written by someone who has never actually met one and instead got all of their ideas about what females are like from the advice columns of Cosmopolitan circa [...]

37. Karl R Feb 18th 2009 at 08:46 pm 37

    I’ve encountered an interesting variation on this.

    I met and went on a couple dates with an attractive lady from South America. We had fun, but nothing so special that would cause me to date her exclusively. After that she cancelled a date, then failed to respond to a voice mail and e-mail.

    I assumed that she wasn’t interested, so I didn’t give her another thought. (I take non-exclusivity seriously, so I had other ladies that I was dating concurrently.)

    Fast-forward a month, and I saw the lady again. We chatted briefly, and she invited me to call her and go out again. I was surprised to learn that she was still interested. Given that clear signal, I tried a couple more times to set up a date. After a “sorry I can’t” and a message that she didn’t respond to, I stopped trying to contact her again.

    This pattern has repeated itself three more times. Each time I’ve put less and less effort into trying to get together with her (due to the lack of results). If I have tickets, other ladies get called first, etc. But each time I run across her in person (after I’ve stopped trying to contact her), she asks me to contact her and suggests getting together.

    At this point, I have more attractive prospects. The only reason I spend any time on her is due to morbid curiosity. I’d like to understand why she’s acting the way she is.

    Her behavior makes no sense to me. Normally, if someone is sufficiently interested, they’ll make time in their schedule (I certainly do). If someone is not interested, they try to discourage further contact, and breathe a sigh of relief when the other person stops calling or e-mailing.

    At this point, I have a few theories that might explain her behavior:

    1) She’s interested in me, but not sufficiently interested to make time in her busy schedule for dating.

    2) There’s some form of cross-cultural misunderstanding going on. She’s sending signals that I would pick up if I was from her culture, but the signals are lost on me.

    3) She gets some kind of ego boost by being “pursued”, so she’s trying to encourage me to spend time “chasing” her. The minimal effort I’ve been expending during the last couple months is rewarding enough to her that she wants to encourage it.

    Does anyone have any experience or insight that might explain her behavior?

38. Maria Feb 19th 2009 at 04:35 am 38

    Karl,

    You are way off the mark here. Re read #31, and #33 from kris. You are looking for something wrong with her. Admit it, she has captivated you in some way. You did not give her the respect she deserves, it is always the honorable thing to figure out if you want something exclusive with someone by the first couple dates. If you are stringing three or four other women along in a “casual” way that is just wrong and obviously not the right thing to do. She probably has sensed that you are “on the fence” with her, because you cant give one woman your full attention when you are squandering it all over the countryside. She has you captivated and with each moment that passes you are ruining anything quality you may have found with this woman. You need to grow up.

39. Karl R Feb 19th 2009 at 01:27 pm 39

    Maria said, (#38)
    “If you are stringing three or four other women along in a ‘casual’ way that is just wrong and obviously not the right thing to do.”

    If there’s any doubt, I explicitly tell the women that we’re not dating exclusively. With the woman whom I’ve been dating the longest (she’s a lot more into me than I am into her), I’ve also explicitly told her that the relationship isn’t going to go anywhere in the long run.

    How am I “stringing them along”? They are grown women. They know the situation. They can choose how they wish to spend their time. If they wish to spend it with me, that’s their decision.

    As Evan has pointed out before, men are good at compartmentalizing. When I’m on a date, that woman has my full attention.

    And how do you decide that you want to date someone exclusively after just a couple dates? You’ve mentioned elsewhere that you avoid doing much e-mailing or phone calls prior to the first date. Do you actually go from being strangers to being exclusive after several hours of getting to know someone?

    Maria said, (#38)
    “She has you captivated”

    Don’t you think it’s a little presumptuous to tell someone their opinion?

    Her puzzling behavior is far more interesting than a long-term relationship with her. Do you really think I’d want a long-term relationship with someone who has a pattern of cancelling dates and failing to respond to e-mails and voicemails?

40. A-L Feb 19th 2009 at 07:41 pm 40

    Re: Karl’s #37

    Perhaps it’s a cultural thing, but she feels guilty about blowing you off when she sees you in person, and therefore encourages you to call her again, acting as though there were extenuating circumstances and that she really wants to date you. But once you call, she doesn’t follow through, because what she had said in person was just said for appearance’s sake.

    Re: Maria’s #38

    I think that determining exclusivity within the first couple of dates isn’t always advisable. Though I sort of become de facto exclusive once we start making out, I think that having that exclusivity conversation is still at another level. The idea that you won’t be looking for anyone or will turn anyone else away should they approach because your current date is so wonderful is a big step, and I’m not usually there within a date or two. Though I will also say that I’ve gone out with guys who focus on one girl at a time (exclusively), but that those are certainly rare in my experience.

41. Maria Feb 19th 2009 at 08:24 pm 41

    Hi Karl,

    Glad to hear that you are honest with all of the women you casually have sexual relationships with. I was mistaken in my initial post, and never meant to harm respect or hurt friendship. I now have a little better picture/understanding of where you are at based on your reply. The issue as I see it now is that you are accustomed to dating women with very low self esteem. Only women with low self-esteem would agree to see a man casually when the man clearly says “this is going nowhere” and “I am not seeing you exclusively, now lets have sex.” I have never done such a thing.

    With regard to your South American beauty, I can only say that DENIAL is not just a river in Egypt. You are not sure how to handle a woman who has self respect and won’t drop everything at the last minute to be with you. Or play the lets see five people at a time and have sex with all of them. Yet she is self assured enough to make contact with you and say “hey we should get together sometime, call me.” I am happy for you Karl, you have met a healthy woman whom you can not manipulate.

    How I know when to be exclusive with a man? When I have dated him several times, spent the day or weekend with him and I go home without having sex with him, and he is always on my mind in a positive light. He has already expressed an interest in somthing long term, and he is looking for one woman. So I lose alot of men by not sleeping around and I don’t care- because I don’t need a guy like that. I have alot of love to give but not enough to squander all over the countryside. Plus, when I arrive home there are always ten new guys trying to get my number and get a chance. I weed them out.

    Give her a chance and be patient Karl, if she didn’t like you she wouldn’t express an interest with you. Trust me. She wants your respect first and foremost prior to giving you the best lay of your life.

42. Kenley Feb 20th 2009 at 04:19 am 42

    Maria,

    Your response to Karl highlights a point made in another post about women and sex vs men and sex. Even in 2009, there is still a horrible double standard for women. Women who have casual sex must somehow be defective, but men are just being men. Why is that? Perhaps these women are dating other men just as Karl is dating other women. Perhaps they are using Karl as a maintenance man until they meet Mr Right. Perhaps these women don’t want exclusivity as quickly as you do. Perhaps their only weakness is that they don’t think the way you do.

    On the other hand, I do agree with you that it does feel as if Karl R is excusing what appears to me to be insensitive behavior by the old — well, I told her I only wanted her for sex so I can’t help it if she just keeps coming back. If this woman is more into him than he is into her, then he knows very well that he could end up hurting her, but it appears he doesn’t care because he “came clean” with his intentions. I would have hoped by now that the men reading this blog would know that type of behavior is just plain mean no matter how they want to dress it up. Unfortunately, in today’s society, living with honor, integrity and character is a lot harder than giving into selfish desires. And, both men and women are guilty of that offense which is why dating always is and always will be a battlefield where too many cold and manipulative people win the day and good, kind-hearted people are left battered and broken. Unfortunately, unless you opt out altogether, it is the only game in town.

43. Karl R Feb 20th 2009 at 07:55 am 43

    Maria said: (#41)
    “Glad to hear that you are honest with all of the women you casually have sexual relationships with.”

    I don’t have sex with a woman until I’m in an exclusive relationship with her. I haven’t had a casual sexual relationship in a dozen years or so.

    “I was mistaken in my initial post,”

    At least your consistent.

    “The issue as I see it now is that you are accustomed to dating women with very low self esteem. Only women with low self-esteem would agree to see a man casually when the man clearly says ‘this is going nowhere’ and ‘I am not seeing you exclusively, now lets have sex.’”

    I generally manage to avoid dating women with low self-esteem.

    Though from past experience I would argue that a woman who is horny might also have sex outside of an exclusive relationship … for the exact same reason a man would.

    In another post you stated that all men are assholes. From this thread it seems obvious that you assume the absolute worst about men’s (and women’s) behavior. I don’t doubt that you’ve experienced some true assholes while you’re dating.

    But given the way I instinctively react when you leap to conclusions about me, I have to wonder if you’re chasing off the true gentlemen with your assumptions. I wouldn’t date someone who constantly thought I was lying, cheating, manipulating her and interested in nothing but sex. (And I don’t even claim to be a gentleman.)
    __________

    A-L, (#40)

    Thanks for that insight. I hadn’t considered that possibility.

44. Kenley Feb 20th 2009 at 09:00 am 44

    Karl R,

    Please ignore my statement about telling the woman you only wanted her for sex since you are not having sex with the women you are dating casually. Now days casual dating is often code for casual sex. Still dating someone you have no long term interest in and who you know likes you better than she likes you, is only setting her up for heartbreak because you know she is hoping she will grow on you. While you have acknowledged that you are not a gentleman, I hope you can still be a compassionate and kind human being.

45. Maria Feb 20th 2009 at 12:50 pm 45

    I’m with Kenley. It is funny how a woman can read my post crystal clear, and a man doesn’t get it. And that another woman can read into Karls post what I read. I was just being honest, shooting from the hip and I am sometimes wrong. Go figure!

46. Karl R Feb 20th 2009 at 02:51 pm 46

    Kenley said: (#44)
    “Now days casual dating is often code for casual sex.”

    I think you (and Maria) have just illustrated one of the major problems in dating. I said exactly what I meant, and then both of you started trying to “decode” what I’d said to find another meaning.

    If you re-read my posts, you’ll notice that I didn’t talk about “casual dating” at all. I didn’t even mention casual sex except in response to Maria. I said I was dating non-exclusively.

    Here’s my conundrum:
    If my words don’t actually mean what I say, then what words do I have to say in order to mean that I’m openly dating a few women non-exclusively without anything beyond dating transpiring?

    Kenley said: (#42)
    “Perhaps these women are dating other men just as Karl is dating other women.”

    One is, one isn’t, and I’m not sure about the other two. I also don’t know whether they’re having sex with the other guys they’re dating. Since we’re not dating exclusively, I believe that it’s none of my business.

    Kenley said: (#44)
    “you know she is hoping she will grow on you.”

    No, I don’t know what she’s hoping. I suspect that might be the case, but I only know what she says (and what I can observe of her behavior).

    But because I suspect she (the woman I’ve been dating the longest, not the South American woman) may be carrying false hopes, I did make a point on more than one occasion of explicitly discussing where things stood.

    Hopefully she is making decisions based on what is best for her (like protecting herself from heartache). But I won’t pretend that I know what’s best for her. She is an adult, and as an adult, I respect her enough to trust that she knows what’s in her best interest, and that she’ll do what’s in her best interest.

    I read this blog and I see that women want to be treated as equals in a relationship. That means that women have the same right as men to make bad decisions. If we “protect” women from making decisions that might hurt them, we’re not treating them like equals; we’re treating them like children.

    “Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.”
    - Mahatma Gandhi

47. Maria Feb 20th 2009 at 04:31 pm 47

    OMG! Karl, a saint you are not!! LOL

48. A-L Feb 21st 2009 at 09:21 am 48

    I think much of this issue is semantics. People all have varying definitions of terms, and so when we don’t agree on a common definition it leaves us wide open for misunderstandings. For example, some people refer to the term “hooking up” to say that two people have declared their mutual romantic interest in each other, while some refer to it as having made out, and others mean that sex occurred.

    In regards to this particular thread, I think of “seeing” someone as going out with someone you are seeing nonexclusively, where things may not be that serious, and it’s more exploratory. Whereas for me, “dating” is when there is significant romantic interest and it’s exclusive or is heading that way, and there’s definitely a physical component of the relationship.

    Also, I think that many people think of casual dating as nonexclusive dating, so by admitting that you were dating nonexclusively, then they made the correlation to casual dating. Perhaps you’re one of those who is not dating someone exclusively but is looking to find someone to date exclusively, therefore don’t consider it to be casual dating. I don’t know, but there are definitely lots of nuances with all of these terms.

    In addition, when you referred to being serious in your nonexclusivity, it seems as though your purpose in dating is just to see a wide variety of women, and may maintain a circle of women just to have their company but have no serious interest in them. I think that may be different from people who are more into “serious” dating (perhaps the opposite of casual dating) in that the serious daters see a person until they know they won’t work out long-term or until they want to be exclusive with that person. Basically, more of a weeding out process, rather than keeping them around for company.

    So for me I would say that you are seeing women nonexclusively, and probably casually, but that would depend on where you fall on that continuum mentioned in my 3rd paragraph (gosh this is getting long!).

    In #46 Karl said: “If we “protect” women from making decisions that might hurt them, we’re not treating them like equals; we’re treating them like children.”

    In various threads on this board men have accused women of being dinner whores when they go out with guys when the woman knows the relationship’s not going anywhere (and the guy’s paying for the date). Breaking things off is considered the kind thing to do when there’s a significant imbalance between the feelings of the two people, regardless of their gender, or whether a warning has been given. (I’ve been in this situation myself where the guy is still willing to date me when I’ve told her I’m not that interested in the hopes that I’ll change my mind…for all concerned, I’ve always said no.)

    Just another point of view.

49. jackie Feb 21st 2009 at 10:07 am 49

    Women NEVER want to hear the truth so sugar it up Karl.. is what they are sayin!!!

50. Sayanta Feb 21st 2009 at 10:18 am 50

    I will say this, though- I’m a woman, and I do think people here are reading too much shadiness into Karl’s posts.

    I mean…I will say that men drive me crazy sometimes, but I can fully understand why men get frustrated with women if the latter group is always assuming the worst. Again, I’ve done this myself, but I’m trying to be better

51. Jason Mar 19th 2009 at 01:18 pm 51

    O.K. Let me put it plain and simple. First of all maybe he is very interested maybe he even loves you more than he is willing to tell because, have you ever been dumped well of course you have. Let me put it this way have you ever been f’d off. Well what if you were in love with someone and they had sex with several men in front of your face laughing all the way and having a screaming orgasm? Also don’t forget men can tell when a women is what do you say experienced although sometimes they may be wrong but I am sorry folks maybe the girl is getting bigger but I am not. This can be very disapointing even when you love someone. Just because someone wants to have sex with you doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Oh by the way have you ever heard of depression? Did you ever stop to think why he is so depressed? Just because a man isn’t happy with himself doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you or want to date you. I can go on and on but the last time I tried to tell someone how I really felt, well let’s just say they aren’t around anymore. It’s not your fault but that doesn’t mean that there is noone at fault. Sex makes the world go round it is part of love and there is no reason for you to try and change that. Oh with all of the porn movies around heck I can’t even feel like I have got what it takes to satisfy a woman so when you tell a man that he isn’t good enough because he is depressed about his manlihood then you are just throwing more wood into the fire.

    Jason´s last blog post…I Want to Take a First Date to Lunch During the Work Day. Why Is This a Terrible Idea?

52. Jason Mar 19th 2009 at 02:39 pm 52

    Every woman I have ever loved has either been attacked sexually assaulted by several men at a time or they just leave me for someone else. I know a guy with the same first name as me he had to watch his wife have sex with either 6 or 12 guys twice in a row. I am not this person. Although I have taken my girlfriend out on a date to a bar and I saw a group of guys between 10 or 20 sit her on the table and initiate her by spreading her legs and having sex with her or at least trying to. Even the ones that didn’t still rubbed her private parts with theirs. (note the phrase private parts) My girlfriend Lisa denies this to this day. I mean we went home and not another word was said. I left her not long after that but, we got back together after I sat around by myself for a couple of years. We broke up again not long ago. I think I just couldn’t stand knowing that the people that I was around at the bar (I worked as a designated driver at this bar) would just as soon take someone elses girlfriend as to find one of their own. I have since changed my opinion about dating, although I do still believe there is a right way and a wrong way. Girls if you are going to do this kind of thing to your boyfriends then don’t be expecting any kind of sympathy from me. I mean I am even too afraid to call the cops if someone rapes my girlfriend the cops around here would probably arrest me just for calling. One reason for this is the girl probably wouldn’t admit to being sexually assaulted it would probably make her feel like a real woman. I’m sorry but, if this is what you call a date then you aren’t going to get anywhere with me. I will add that I did have to deal with a very simillar situation with my ex-wife more than once she now has two kids from two different men. Do you people have a problem do you find me guilty of caring or what? After a few dates like this and even a marriage wouldn’t you be a little cautious especially when you are really interested in someone. For instance I met a girl awhile back who I really liked she told me that her best friend was the female bartender. I only saw it once or twice but, that was all I needed to see this bartender was going into the bathroom with older guys and doing god knows what. I didn’t see the girl I liked do this but, I saw an older man putting his hands on her and she didn’t seem to care. Well needless to say I ran and I don’t plan on going back.

53. Karl R Mar 20th 2009 at 01:50 pm 53

    Jason said: (#52)
    “I am even too afraid to call the cops if someone rapes my girlfriend the cops around here would probably arrest me just for calling.”

    Then you’re a coward.

    There are several other less flattering words I would use to describe you, but I’d rather not offend that many people’s sensibilities.

    “do you find me guilty of caring or what?”

    I can safely say that’s one thing I don’t find you guilty of.

    Kenley said: (#44)
    “dating someone you have no long term interest in and who you know likes you better than she likes you, is only setting her up for heartbreak”

    I’m no longer dating the woman in question, since I’m pursuing an exclusive relationship with someone else. I let her know (in person), and she seemed to take it in stride. A few days later she said this in an e-mail:
    “I hope things work out with the lady you are pursuing. =D Thanks for alerting me, and if I haven’t said previously, I did enjoy going out with you. =) “

    My trust in her ability to make an informed decision for herself wasn’t misplaced.

54. starthrower68 Mar 21st 2009 at 06:56 am 54

    Ok, we get the basic laws of human nature: people do what they want and a man is “just being in the moment”. And Evan has said to women, “mirror his behavior” and “sit back and watch what he does; if you like it stay; if you don’t then go”. However, a woman still has to find that fine line between being attentive without being needy, interested but not TOO interested, etc. A woman has “to be” and “not be” concurrently to attract the right guy. Is it any wonder this dating stuff is so stressful?

55. Lisa May 21st 2009 at 05:22 pm 55

    About Karl’s South American woman, I just have to say, hasn’t anyone considered she could just be a flaky bitch?

    Also, the poor guy was asking for people’s thoughts on her behavior. When did the blogging become about his behavior?

    One more thing, I have NO IDEA what Jason’s point is. I’m just saying.

56. Selena May 22nd 2009 at 09:08 am 56

    Karl’s South American woman sounds like a flaky bitch to me Lisa. But I think A-L’s proposed explanation might be the most logical one. She really doesn’t want to go out with Karl, but feels awkward and on the spot when she runs into him and (rather immaturely) suggests he contact her thereby avoiding a conversation explaining why she isn’t interested.

    Guys sometimes do this when they say “I’ll call you” with no intention of doing so. Cowardly, but it is what it is: avoidance of telling an unpleasant truth – not into you.

57. Karl R May 22nd 2009 at 03:16 pm 57

    Lisa said: (#55)
    “About Karl’s South American woman, I just have to say, hasn’t anyone considered she could just be a flaky bitch?”

    I tend to go with A-L’s (#40) and Selena’s (#56) explanation. Most people don’t get up in the morning and decide to be a “flaky bitch”. Which means that her behavior must make sense to her on some level. This also applies to men. The vast majority don’t set out to be jerks (there are rare exceptions). Hurting the woman isn’t their goal.

    Avoiding an awkward conversation (even when it was unnecessary) makes sense.

58. starthrower68 May 23rd 2009 at 11:30 am 58

    Here’s the problem a woman runs into; most of us are not terribly good actresses (yes yes I know there are those who are); if we’re feeling it, it will show up on our face, our body language, tone of voice, etc. So if we go on a date with the notion in the back of our mind that he’s not really interested, he’s just being in the moment and I may never hear from him after this night again, we may be friendly, laugh alot, etc., but somehow will will give off this vibe that we are holding something back and are on the defensive, etc. Then the guy will probably think we’re cold, not into him or whatever.

    Dating is really just madness.

59. Tessa Sep 22nd 2009 at 04:30 pm 59

    I’m one of those idiot women I guess, I believe in signs and connections and soul mates. And as much as the rational mind says this is all bull, something deep down makes me wish and hope the “signs” are right. He has the attributes I want, he appears to be all I need makes you not hear the real truth.  I’m a singlemom which makes you by default a 5 or 6 out of 10 immediately on the score board of dream girls. I did this novena for my perfect guy, I was very specific with what I wanted and in 9 days I met the guy.

    And here we go, it happened exactly how I asked and he was everything I wanted down to the holding hands while we sleep. But he thought I wasn’t good enough for him. I’m exotic girl, brown hair brown eyes. He says he wants a blonde, blue eyes perfect model type with a PHD., because this is the girl he dreamed of all his life.

    Long story short, I stay with him for 3 years in a kinda of a relationship, I was miserable of course because he kept on looking for his blonde supermodel with a PHD. He went to the point where he was disregarding me openly but he wouldn’t break it off. He wanted to string me along, I eventually just cut him off, and he did nothing to get me back or seem to care too much.

    The point of telling you this is – I feel like I am never the one, I never seem to be anyones ideal yet they won’t just leave me alone. why can’t you guys just go for the frickin blonde if that is what you want, it’s kinda cruel to be testing out girls you don’t want.

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