Why Do Men Date If They’re Not Ready for a Relationship?
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Allan’s 50, cute, balding, a divorced dad, an advertising exec, and leaps and bounds more thoughtful and generous than Shana’s ex-husband ever was.
He’s been alone for 5 years and has been through all the ups and downs of online dating. He’s had some intense one-month flings. He’s had a one-year relationship. He’s ready for the real deal, and the moment he meets Shana, he’s got this gut feeling that she might be “the one”.
She followed her heart because she wanted to be ready.
Careful not to smother her, Allan does everything right.
He calls her the day after the first date to say he had fun.
He sends her the occasional flirty text.
He makes plans in advance to book her for the weekend.
He hints that he’s falling for her and talks about what they’re doing to do for the holidays.
Shana is swept up, having the time of her life, feeling a way she hasn’t felt since she was 20, and thoroughly enjoying the attentions of this kind, decent man.
After their fifth date at a nice restaurant, following a bottle of wine, Shana sleeps with Allan. It’s good. He’s good. In fact, he’s too good.
The second they’re finished, Shana starts to panic.
Out of respect for Allan, she tries not to let it show. But she can’t fall asleep, and after a half hour of snuggling, tells him that she has to get home (even though her kids are with their dad).
The next day, Allan calls her, as he always does.
She lets it go to voice mail.
Later that night, she sends Allan a text to say that she had a hard day and that she hopes he’s well. But the process has begun.
Shana is pulling away from Allan. Sweet, generous, consistent, emotionally available Allan, who didn’t do a single thing wrong in his courtship of my client Shana.
Shana genuinely cared about Allan.
She definitely didn’t mean to lead him on.
She certainly never wanted to hurt him.
She very much enjoyed the conversation, the connection, the attention, and the affection.
She followed her heart because she wanted to be ready.
But when she found herself staring down the prospect of being in another serious relationship, she just couldn’t take it.
Instead of giving Allan more of a chance, instead of stringing him along in a casual relationship for six months, Shana had to do the right thing and break up with him.
He deserved someone who was available and, despite her desires, she realized that she wasn’t even close to being available. Not for the real thing, anyway.
Online flirtation, maybe. First dates, sure. A regular booty call, possibly.
But she’ll determine that later.
Right now, Shana just needs to sort things out and make things right.
If only she knew what would make things right…
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43 Comments »Filed Under Dating after divorce
Steve 1
Dr. Christie Hartman, author of the *research based book <a href = “http://www.christiehartman.com/books.html”>Dating and the Divorced Man</a> states that men tend to date before they are ready to date after a divorce. Bottom line, avoid dating divorced men until the ink has been dry on their divorce papers for at least a year.
my honest answer 2
I don’t think there’s any such thing as ‘not ready for a relationship’. There is only not wanting to be in a relationship with YOU.
If real true love came along, few people could resist it, or want to resist it. If they are resisting being in a relationship with you, it’s for the simple reason that they don’t want to be in a relationship with you.
Unfortunately most people realise this when someone tells them they’re not ready for a relationship, and then, wham, two months later, they’re in a committed relationship with someone else. It’s just another excuse people use.
Miranda 3
Evan, so what do you suggest? What if she lets him pass by and doesn’t meet anyone that great for another six years or even 12 and gets messed up by all the emotionally unvailable men she is very likely going to date at a later point? Why can’t she try to make it work? I know it’s hard to be able to date right after a divorce. But the problem is, life doesn’t offer us great opportunities every day.
Goldie 4
I don’t see anything wrong in being online, per se, even when you’re not ready for a serious relationship. As long as you don’t commit what a friend of mine called “dating in bad faith” and tell people you’re looking for an LTR when you cannot handle one.
I liked OKC in that regard – I’ve been on it for about three months and my impression of it so far is of a site where it’s OK to hang out, chat, and make friends. If something more serious happens, good! If not, no big deal, you just go on chatting with your friends and meeting new ones. Whereas on Match, for example, I was feeling this pressure to find someone and get off the site already, and meeting people that were under similar pressure.
Miranda 5
Uh I think I somehow deleted my previous comment. But what I was asking was basically:
Evan, how do you deal with that type of situation as a dating coach? I mean, if this guy’s great for her… how likely is it she will again meet anyone that great in the next decade? There are so many assclowns around! I have been looking for a decent guy for a lifetime! Don’t you think she should try to make it work? From your experience is it even possible to try to make it work when you’re emotionally not really ready for another relationship? Can’t people heal IN a new, healthy, empowering relationship?
hadley paige 6
“not ready for a relationship” = not interested in pursuing you said nicely.
In the final analysis, it doesn’t matter why. And why women spend so much energy attempting to get to the “why” is a constant source of mystification to me. Its a gigantic misdirection of limited mental & emototional resources available for the work (and it is work) of dating to find a Significant Other.
Bottom Line> He doesn’t want you. So move on & get on w your life. Be prospective not retrospective.
Ruby 7
I disagree that there’s no such thing as not being ready for a relationship. And I think the main thing is whether or not someone is ready only for something casual or for something more serious. The biggest problem is that people want to be ready, but wanting to being ready and really being ready are two different things. And men are notorious for allowing themselves to get caught up in the moment when they’re with a woman they like.
I don’t think it’s something that you can force yourself to feel. People have to grieve the loss of a marriage, and that takes time. I think our culture tends to give the grieving process short shrift. That’s why someone hires a dating coach when they might be better served by spending time alone getting their life back together, or by hiring a therapist.
Dan 8
From a man’s point of view (me), Evan’s story about Shana is spot on. Allan’s experience has happened to me a few times. A single guy friend of mine has also had this happen to me a few times. And it has hurt! Very much.
At least in Donna’s and Stephanne’s letters, it sounds like those guys didn’t take this as far as sex. Maybe it was just as hurtful to them, because sex means more to men, and those guys felt “honorable” by not going all the way, but emotionally, they may have hurt Donna and Stephanne just as much.
In my case, and in my guy friend’s case, the women did have sex. Maybe these women were not as emotionally connected during the dating phase, but for us guys, going so far as sex and then pulling out of dating is just as hurtful.
There are a lot of men and women on-line that are in Shana’s position (and in the position of the guys Donna and Stephanne mentioned). They don’t need a dating coach. They need a therapist or a life coach. I’ve met women on line that have been in 4-5 year relationships that ended 10 years ago, and they still get cold feet about entering another relationship. Yet they are on-line all the time on these dating sites. Sadly, online dating sites are like a “porn” addition for them.
The human heart is a fragile thing. I only wish those with such hearts have the courage to think about the others they are dating too.
Nicole 9
@Dan, I really appreciate your comment since so many people claim that sex only has an emotional meaning for women…not that I believed it, but it’s nice to see a man chime in on it. But sorry your friends felt connected and then were dumped.
Goldie 10
@ Ruby #7, I totally agree! And may I add that, in addition to which stage we’re in with our love life, we also have a family, work, other factors going on. Things happen in people’s personal lives that can make a relationship the last thing on their minds… and the person may or may not realize this.
@ #2, I think it’s too simplistic of an approach to assume that everyone, at every moment of their lives, needs and wants an LTR, and if they say they don’t, then they’re just not interested in you personally. There’s life outside of dating. Believe it or not, sometimes it takes over.
Sherell 11
Sometimes they are not ready and sometimes it is YOU. Doesn’t matter. Either way there is no need to analyze!!! MOVE ON FOLKS!
Also, although Allan is a great prospect there is no way to know if they will go the distance.
Jen 12
@ Steve’s advice seems spot on. I dated a man who pursued me greatly during his divorce. I went against my better judgement and ended up in an intensely passionate and romantic relationship with this man – and it lasted for 2 years. One day out of the blue, he told me he needed “time” since I was his first girlfriend after his marriage, he needed space… That time and space he needed, as we all know, resulted in a very sudden (and heart aching) break up. I regret going against my better judgment (voice inside) that told me to steer clear of this guy. He was one of the Divorced men I call emotional vampires- didn’t care what or who he was hurting as long as he was moving on. My advice is to go ahead and maintain a friendship with those going through a divorce but be very weary of getting involved on an emotional or physical level until well after they have healed from their ordeals.
A 13
Geez Evan, once again it looks like you’re peering into my life.
I agree w/ Ruby #7 that people may be ready for different levels of relationships.
But I’d like to dovetail off of Miranda…
I started seeing a man (divorce pending after long marriage) I met online, we connect very well, intimate after a few dates (but only on the request exclusivity). He agreed. Week later he said he could be exclusive in that he’s basically not ready yet after such a long marriage. Not seeing anyone, but wants the option. Still wants to see me, too. I agreed he needs time (though couldn’t help feel rejection) and we still date though not intimate.
He’s a good man, and I want to give him time to get through the emotional upheaval he’s been through. I don’t want to lose touch with him, but feel uncomfortable knowing he’s interested in meeting others (ouch!)
Steve 14
EMK’s story and this thread is extremely helpful. What happened to Dan and some other posters can happen to anyone. Knowing that this sort of thing happens to people can help people from mistakenly assuming the problem is with them unless they have other reasons to think so.
Joanna 15
I became interested in a guy that I knew from my job who was divorcing. He was interested in a friend with intimacy; in other words a casual relationship. I told him that I wasn’t interested in a friends with benifits, but was willing to hang out with him. He was really depressed about the loss of his wife. We talked alot on the phone, but never got to hang out. He actually distanced himself from me and told me that he liked me but just didn’ want a relationship now. I know that he’s actually seeing someone else. Maybe he’s casual with her; I don’t know. I honestly believe that some men aren’t ready for something serious and look for casual. With this guy, I don’t believe he was ready for a relationship because I saw how hurt he was.
nathan 16
Goldie #4 – One of the challenges to your point about it being ok for people to date as long as they don’t do it “in bad faith” is that many people think they’re ready, when they really aren’t. I’ve been on both sides of that coin, and people got hurt (myself included obviously) as a result. Now, there’s always risk involved in dating, so everyone needs to learn to accept that, and develop some ability to handle it. However, it’s also the case that time outs from dating to reassess your life after the end of LTRs really could be employed by more folks.
I actually think that fewer people have clarity about wanting just a casual relationship than appears to be the case these days. Lots of folks talk about wanting to just date around, or do something “light and easy,” but then they get involved and a whole mess of other things come up.
If Shana has some clarity that she’s not ready, then that’s a hell of a lot better than a lot of us. It might be a risk to let this guy go, but taking time to clean your own house is always worth it in my opinion. Because you have to live with yourself all the time.
JustMe 17
I know that I THOUGHt I was ready for a relationship after my divorce, but it is only now, 4 years later that I feel truly ready and able to be open and receptive. Steve is right in that it is easy to think you are ready when you really aren’t.
AQ 18
I believe that you need a year after the ink is dry on a divorce to start dating again – there is just too much dust that needs settling. And never mind if there are kids involved. Everyone needs to develop a new groove. Also, if you have issues you are not going to respond to the right guy. If you are getting a divorce you most assuredly have issues – big issues – either for picking the wrong person and putting up with bad behavior in the first place to being the wrong person.
Melody 19
I would argue that no one knows when they’re ready . . . and that the timeline is different for each person. Three cases that illustrate this point.
1. My mom started dating my stepdad several months after he separated from his wife. His wife cheated on him. It got rocky a few times in early dating, but fastforward 14 years and they are STILL married. My mom was rewarded for her patience and for taking the risk on a separated man.
2. I divorced after my husband had an affair. Several months after separation, I started dating someone and was initially head over heels for him. He was very good to me. Fastforward 9 mos . . . I broke it off. Why? He had a clear vision of us married with kids (I already have one), and I just couldn’t jump back into that vision so soon. I needed fun and no pressure at that point. I’m sure he feels like he shouldn’t have become involved with me and perhaps even that I was an “emotional vampire” using him to get over my ex. But I never intended it that way . . . I enjoyed my time with him until I didn’t (which correlated with him getting very serious and marriage-oritented).
3. The last guy I dated was 3 years post-divorce. 36, one kid, seemingly enough time to get over the divorce. Fastforward 3-4 mos when I start wondering if exclusivity is happening any time soon . . . he freaks and admits he hasn’t been able to commit since his ex. I knew what happened with me right after divorce, so I avoided freshly divorced men, but was burned anyway.
I think even if someone waiting to date, it would still be a rocky first few attempts . . . the first time back dating is still the first time back dating. If you didn’t date again right after divorce, you might have some healing before dating, but I think a lot of the loosening up and opening up that occurs after time actually comes with more experience in the dating process.
So, the moral of the story: there are no guarantees. If you’re on the “burned” end of this stick, take comfort in knowing that it’s about the other person’s healing process, not about you. I think people have to know that there’s higher risk invovled with dating freshly separated/divorced people, but sometimes the risk pays off (in my mom’s case, it did!). The way I see it, in each relationship, there’s a 50% risk of being the one who gets burned. Dating someone who’s separated or freshly divorced probably ups your risk (to 60-70%?). Is that an acceptable increase in risk to you? If so, go for it. If not, don’t. But you have to accept risk if you want to date.
A 20
Melody, great examples and well-thought conclusions.
Not sure I’d use the label “burned” because I don’t think there is usually intention to cause hurt. The post-divorce person is is testing the waters and learning about themselves again. (Aren’t we all?)
Thanks for the wonderful considerate insights!
Nicole 21
@Melody…thanks for the comment. Those are great examples. I have a good friend who got divorced, and she was ready to be in a committed relationship as soon as she was free(or maybe even separated). So in her case, she did not stay with anyone that felt was not marriage oriented. Who knows what will happen with her second marriage, but the point is that some separated and recently divorced people are very interested in being committed again, and some aren’t ready (although I think that after 3-4 years, you should get professional help b/c there is something that needs to be healed to move forward that time clearly isn’t enough to resolve).
I think that people should proceed knowing that there are always a lot of ways things can work out, and unfortunately there will be some failures and disappointments no matter what .
Steve 22
It didn’t come out quite the way I would have liked, so I would like to thank Dan for posting #8 and EMK for his story. I can see myself ending up in one of those situations as a possibility. Having read these two things I will be less likely to go with my reflex and instantly blame myself.
Heather 23
@Hadley Page, #6.
Actually, not ALL of us women care about the why. I don’t. I only am upset if a guy lies to me about the situation, or disappears and doesn’t have the guts to at least tell me he’s not ready.
Please don’t generalize us.
Jadafisk 24
Isn’t it true that sometimes they just want to know that they’ve still “got what it takes” in the dating arena, to see how the scene has changed since they left? It doesn’t always have to be so deep or so sinister.
Zann 25
Just how does one define “ready?” Sure, some people need time to “heal” or just time to figure out who they are now after being in a significant relationship for a long time and suddenly finding themselves single.
But honestly, the “I’m not ready” excuse is so over-used — both by people who will likely never be ready and by people avoiding the discomfort of saying “I’m afraid you are just not what I’m looking for.” I get it that it’s hard to be direct with someone you don’t feel “it” with. Who likes hurting someone’s feelings? But in reality, anyone who participates in on-line dating will see this same Mr. Not Ready (or Ms. Not Ready) is right back out there, actively seeking, maybe even adding new photos to their profile. Either way, it hurts, but we survive.
There should be a bumper sticker: “Dating Is Not For Lightweights.”
As has already been said, there are no guarantees. I suspect that the reason Shanna freaked when it started getting serious is not because she isn’t “ready;” it’s because she’s afraid. Join the club. When you start feeling a real connection with someone, it can be both great & overwhelming. But you will never move beyond that fear if you don’t just go ahead anyway, dive in and hope for the best… especially if that other person is doing all the right things — as was the case with Allan.
But really, will there ever be a time when there is a strong connection without some level of fear or insecurity, whether freshly divorced or a seasoned veteran in the dating world???? It’s the nature of the beast.
Gina 26
@ Dan #8
“There are a lot of men and women on-line that are in Shana’s position (and in the position of the guys Donna and Stephanne mentioned). They don’t need a dating coach. They need a therapist or a life coach…The human heart is a fragile thing. I only wish those with such hearts have the courage to think about the others they are dating too.”
I agree with what you said 100% Dan.
Kate Candy 27
People date like they go to movies or any other kind of entertainment. You watch a TV show; you like the TV show, but what if the TV show had the ability to call you and want more. What if the TV show wanted to be the only TV show you ever watched. What if the TV show wanted you to care about how it was made, the problems it was having with its producers and how it was afraid that it might get cancelled. All of a sudden, you realize you’re not ready for a relationship. You just wanted something to distract you from the awful gritty feeling of going through a divorce or having a challenging job or whatever.
In a world where people only take their own needs seriously and are so very needy, and refuse to set boundaries and honor them, people will hurt other people all the time. No one calls it lying. People feel a bit bad about hurting other people, but not bad enough to change the system.
As for the guy who does everything right, and gets dumped, I would bet the guy was not very dynamic in bed or had no ambition. As for the women who get dumped, guys are waiting for something better to come along, read richer, more attractive.
In the study of economics, researchers take for granted the idea that individuals want to maximize their own satisfaction and therefore act selfishly, but we don’t seem to realize this in dating. People are selfish. All people, regardless of gender.
Goldie 28
@ Zann,
” But in reality, anyone who participates in on-line dating will see this same Mr. Not Ready (or Ms. Not Ready) is right back out there, actively seeking, maybe even adding new photos to their profile. Either way, it hurts, but we survive.”
I was that person (twice over the past two years, actually), so I understand completely where they’re coming from.
Right after my divorce last spring, I went on POF and started dating, because by then, I was long over my ex (had been since about 1996, if truth be told), and figured I’d gain nothing by sitting at home and waiting for the proverbial ink to dry. I was pretty upfront with the guys I’d dated, telling them that, at the moment, I was just trying to see how it was done and what was out there, to get a better feel of what I wanted to be looking for. Ironically, the only guy who had a big problem with me not wanting an LTR, was separated himself. He hadn’t even signed his MSA, and didn’t know when he’d get around to doing it. Yet he lectured me on how there had to be something wrong with me for not wanting a relationship.
Second time, this summer. This time I was online looking for an LTR, because I’d already had one last fall/winter (old friend of mine) and really enjoyed it. It feels good having someone you like and trust cover your back, if you will. Well I searched and I searched for my LTR, until I came across a guy who dumped me immediately after sex, just when I thought we were getting a connection. It was totally out of the blue for me, and left me pretty depressed. I later found out that, not only did he have some seriously bad personal stuff going on, that, if it happened to me, would’ve stopped me from dating altogether – he was also only very recently divorced (actually was still separated when I met him – online profile of course said he’d been on his own for two years), not only that, but he still had an ex(?) GF in the picture – a very nice girl, actually – had I known that she existed, I would’ve refused to meet him. One night he had two dates with me and her back-to-back… I had to leave early, she didn’t, so they ended up at her place! and then he met with me again two days after that, and we ended up at his place! Dude’s got game, LOL… I didn’t find out all the details till later. Seriously though, I have no bad feelings against him. It’s just that we were at completely different stages in life, and there was some mutual misunderstanding on top of that. But I digress…
Anyway, after he ended things, I did what Evan tells us to do. I went right back online, opened a new account on another site, started talking to new people, scheduled three dates in the next three days, the works. In my new profile, I said I was looking for an LTR. Pretty soon I met a man looking for the same. I really really liked him, I swear! He was all I’d been looking for. We clicked right away, had a couple of dates, he’d get on chat at the same time every morning to say hello… He’d call me babe and GF and say things like “I can’t wait till we get off this site together!” and after a few weeks, I freaked out. I realized that I was still feeling down from what had happened with the previous person, and that I did not have that warm and fuzzy loving feeling to offer the new guy. But, at the same time, I knew that, if I’d quit talking to new people and get off the site altogether, then I’d just end up sitting home and going over every little thing that had gone wrong with the previous guy, and would feel even more depressed than I did already. And it would take me months, if not years, to get out of that funk.
So what I did was, I told my serious man that I wasn’t yet ready for anything serious. He was very understanding about it, and we parted ways. I think he actually got off the site a month later, so hope he found what he was looking for. Then I edited my profile to say that I wasn’t ready for anything serious right now, but was still okay to hang out and chat. Then I proceeded to meet a few creeps and a LOT of awesome, understanding people. The creeps I deleted, the awesome people, I stayed friends with. Things may or may not turn into something serious with one of them – I’ll be cool either way – because now, I’m ready for it if it happens, but won’t be too upset if it doesn’t.
Come on, let’s give our fellow daters some credit. No one is evil. No one is intentionally out to hurt others. Also, it’s not always about you, you, you. Sometimes the person really doesn’t have it in them to get serious with anyone. So, when you hear it, there is no need whatsoever to blame yourself. You’re a great person, he or she is a great person, but the timing was bad. Period, end of story.
Ruby 29
Zann #25
I do think part of belng “ready” is the ability to push past the fear. Those who aren’t ready tend to be more afraid of getting hurt again. When you’re ready, you’re more willing to take the risk for the potential benefits of a relationship.
Ruby 30
If you’re going through a breakup, or are just out of a relationship, the painful feelings are still too present. People like Shana need to be clear about whether they are serious about a new person, or are just looking for a distraction or a temporary fix.
Goldie 31
@ Kate #27, great points. But, at the end of the day, I think every one of us needs to look out for himself or herself. It’s on us to figure out what we want at this point in time, make it known to the other person, and stick to it. It is not the other person’s job to be a mind reader, guess what we really want, as opposed to what we say we want, and give it to us.
It is also on us to say no when a “no” is called for, and move on when it’s clearly time to move on. It may come across as selfish, but in the long run, it is better for both sides.
When I analyze every one of my failed relationships (which is, as of right now, all of them, lol), it was always lack of communication combined with one person (or both) not wanting to hurt the other one’s feelings… in the end, this leads to hurting the other person even more. My worst dating experience this year started with me agreeing to meet a guy that I actually didn’t want to meet, because I didn’t want to say no after what he’d already been through. It ended badly. Heck, my marriage started with me thinking “I see red flags all around, but we’ve been dating four years, he relocated for me, I cannot back out now”. A lot of pain and all around bad time on both sides could have totally been avoided if I hadn’t wanted to be nice and unselfish. Short-term and long-term “unselfish” aren’t always the same.
Way I see it, someone who’s not ready for the same kind of relationship you’re ready for, will give you plenty of opportunities to say NO. Just because they’re on a different page, they will say, do, and propose things that you’ll have a hard time agreeing to. So tell them you cannot do it, move on, and stay friends. Problem solved.
The guy who did everything right and got dumped did nothing wrong, except being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He should thank his lucky stars that things ended quickly instead of dragging out for years, and move on.
Katarina Phang 32
Readiness is also about not carrying the emotional baggage around as such one is able to totally focus and invest in the new relationship. When one mental space is still occupied by mostly past failure, unresolved anger, issues of ex and past relationship, how can one really enjoy the new relationship/person.
So I think, unreadiness is real. It’s hard to focus on the new person, how wonderful he/she may be and how smitten you may be with him/her, when you still dwell on the past.
Katarina Phang 33
And often, if one is too still depressed about one’s situations, it hinders with the process of bonding and falling in love with the new person. There is only so much mental space one can fill up at one time. The predominant emotions will overrule the other less pressing ones.
Claire 34
I’ve had 3 relationships, two relatively short and one that went on in various permutations for years, with men who were not yet able to take responsibility for their ended marriages and then acted out in ours. And, after a lot of soul-searching, I realize I held onto them – and ultimately wasn’t coming from my best self, either – because part of me – wanting to fill some voids from childhood, etc. – felt that if they would commit to me in the face of these impossible odds, it would be a testament to my worthiness as a person. In the end, I think were all seeking approval in each other for things we weren’t remotely qualified to weigh in on. I’m still sorting it all, and this post and thread are a wonderful part of that. There’s a gentleness and searching in the discourse that I really appreciate
blatt 35
Hi all. Just my two cents, I’m new to this site and somewhat new to online dating. One thing I have concluded from the handful of people I’ve dated from online is that most people are not going to state on their online dating profiles that they are not ready for a relationship or not looking for something long term. This is because most people are looking for something ‘serious’ and therefore won’t consider pursuing something with someone who says they aren’t. This surely goes both ways but I think a man would get far less or no response if this was stated explicitly on his profile compared to a woman stating this; perhaps women are more up-front with a desire for something long-term? For lots of folks, it’s better to get ‘something’ for a while, even if it’s not serious, because it feels good…particularly in the aftermath of failed/bad relationship when they are probably not sure of what they want or are not ready so they don’t lie and say they are looking for something long-term. It’s all case by case, though.
adk 36
Most people say they want to get married– and they can say that for years before they actually get into a relationship or married. No one really likes to think of themselves as not ready for a LTR. Most people don’t lie when they start dating. They are looking for love and probably hope it will work out.
I think the trick is to evaluate someone’s situation objectively. Is this person free of the past drama? Are they making the right moves to commit? There are no hard-and-fast rules. My father married a woman six months after his 29-year marriage to my mother. And that was 17 years ago!
On the other hand, my husband was divorced for four years (and seriously dating) before we met and he was ready for a serious relationship.
Chris 37
If I may weigh in as someone who is not quite divorced (about a month away) but already into the dating pool… I guess maybe my situation is a bit different. I was with my soon to be ex for 15 years, but the last 8 years there was NO intimacy. Not just sex, but no REAL intimacy. Hell, he couldn’t even take 5 minutes to ask me about my day. Not sure if it was depression or what, but after that long, I just really had enough.
I met a few people on various sites, but really clicked with one guy in particular. Divorced a year, no kids, younger than me. We have been dating for about 4 months, but he won’t tell his friends about me because technically I am still “married.” I guess I’m okay with that, but he also still surfs the dating sites even though he says he isn’t looking. I’m not okay with that, but I’m going along with it because I truly do like him.
A few months ago, I met someone else, who was in more of a similar position as me – divorced under a year, two kids, older… and things just sort of feel “right” with this person. Is he the one I’ll wind up with? Who knows, all I know is that if I don’t take a chance, I may never know. And I know for myself that I was ready for a relationship even BEFORE I was separated. I have been craving that personal intimacy for so long.
I truly believe everyone goes at their own speed. What works for you or your friend may not work for the next person. The real issue is trying to find someone on the same page as YOU.
Ray 38
What I’ve learned is that most men do not have a solid emotional support network… and tend to turn to women for that kind of support. After a divorce, they will suck any willing woman around them dry. Some will be appreciative and grateful. Most aren’t.
My advice is steer cleer for at least a year after the divorce is final… longer if they have kids… unless you are the kind of woman who likes a ‘project’ or is ok with something more casual.
Carrie 39
I can totally relate to this article.
I was in a 14 year relationship, split was fairly amicable and we had simply become different people. I did not date for a year, happy to be on my own and really was not interested in the emotional give and take of a relationship. When I did start dating I was almost horrified at how many men simply wanted a girlfriend or wanted to get serious. I had no idea what the rules were, had no idea 3 dates makes things fairly serious. I bolted on a few guys, literally picked up my purse and would run outta there as soon as they mentioned kids or marriage or simply wanting to talk about what I might want from a relationship. I DID have panic attacks, anxiety attacks. I got involved about a year and a half after the split with an amazing guy and was on the verge of tears through most of the relationship because I actually really wanted to be with him but the idea of a serious relationship made me want to throw up with anxiety and I knew that I was not ready at all. I tried not to string him along but he told me he loved me and I really loved him too, I just couldn’t be in something so serious so fast again. And I never would have thought this could happen to me or that I would have ever felt that way. It has been about 4 years since the long relationship ended and I am honestly just now feeling ready to take someone on in a possible long term way.
enlightened 40
I thank you Evan for putting up this post it has been the answer I knew all long but needed clarity as i needed proper closure. Recently I got told by the guy I was more than friends with/ going out with the similar lines in your article even after he asked are we going out? At first when I received his text message I couldn’t understand what it meant and was consently pestering people for answers. At first I thought maybe he was putting me down gently but after reading your blog I knew it was this and was no longer angry. The reason why I knew was because a couple of weekends ago I saw him and he looked sad and miserable (he didn’t see me as i was in car with tinted windows but i saw him). In the back of my mind I thought why would someone who didn’t want to be with me or in a relationship be like this and then I knew because he didn’t want to string me along until he was ready and he was scared of all the things that came with a relationship so I knew he was genuine. So thankyou I finally have the closure i need as i have my answer and i feel enlightened an above all ready to move on. P.s. I totally agree with Zann about diving in head first but some people are worried about hurting people
enlightened 41
I recently found out from a friend additional evidence to my situation I’m now aware that this guys behaviour is not aimed at me that he was honest about not being himself. I had two choices not to reach out because there was more to it or actually reach out. I decided to reach out but in way that showed him I’m here as friend not anything else whenever his ready but saying this I’m not going to wait around I’m going live my life, if he comes back I’ll be here for him as friend and I won’t make it easy for him as his not my priority he is just an option.
Fenix 42
The problem isn’t about a few dates, it is when a man says he is ready to go the whole way, tells you he loves you, shows it, but as soon as you agree with him, he realizes he is not really ready.
I had broken up with my first BF and I was in no way ready for a long term thing when this guy started pursuing me. I knew him from before the dating and I really liked him, he was an alpha and soon attracted me. But kept complaining that I wasn’t opening up to him, he loved me and showed it, and I loved him but I wasn’t sure about a lot of things regarding commitment and he knew. We kept dating like this for 3 years, until I agreed that we were meant for each other and wanted everything, to meet his family, that he met mine, that we moved in together like he said… Long story short, he dumped me saying he didn’t love me anymore, and here I am, reading this blog with all my questions and broken heart…
The question would be why some men date, insist, fall in love and talk about commitment when they are not ready for a relationship? The answer I’m imagining is because they are j*rks, peter pans, phobics, they were lairs not really in love, or some other sort of specimen?
I know these are the men we should be running away from, but sometimes it’s hard to recognize them.
enlightened 43
I recently reached out to him as I knew it was more I received no response in being the bigger person but after bumping into him after 3 weeks and seeing him stare at me and look away suddenly I knew he still had feelings for me and missed me on some level. Instead of going to talk to him i kept on walking on as if he wasn’t there as I was done.That made me feel better instead of a fool and gave me real closure that his intentions where good. But that doesn’t matter cause I have walked away and it’s his loss not mine which I’m sure he knows