Why Do Men Pull Away From Relationships?
I’m still sifting through the hundreds of responses that you gave me on yesterday’s survey:
In case you didn’t know, all I asked was this: What is the most important question you have about relationships that you’d like me to address in my new eBook? Next thing I knew, I was flooded with questions like this:
Why can dating be so difficult for educated, career oriented women in their 40′s?
What makes a man want to commit and stay committed to a relationship?
Why do men act like they like you and then when you express how you feel about them, they disappear?
What makes men run away from a relationship when you start asking where things are going??
Why do YOU think men pull away from women and committed relationships?
I don’t understand the guys that come on super strong over the course of a couple weeks, and then, all of a sudden, say that they are “not ready for a relationship.” If my behavior hasn’t changed (e.g. they are the one pursuing me), what has changed in their heads?
Why is it that men have follow-through issues? The first date goes well and then there is nothing.
Why do they pull away when things get serious?
I would like to know what to do to get a man really interested and how to continue to hold his interest so he doesn’t pull a disappearing act.
Why don’t men seem as interested in long term relationships as women are?
I’m not kidding when I tell you that I’ve got SCORES of these questions – slight variations on the same exact theme. So, my brilliant readers, since you have strong opinions on all things pertaining to dating and relationships, I’d love to hear from you:
Why do YOU think men pull away from women and committed relationships?
I know it’s a broad question, but I really want to hear what you have to say! Both women AND men, please…
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172 Comments »Filed Under Uncategorized
Tina #17 James Bond is a...
Monique 1
I think men pull away from women and relationships because its just not ‘right’. Maybe its the timing. They’re not ready for it. Maybe you’re not the girl he sees himself with. Maybe he still needs to play the field. Whatever the reason is…theres something off.
And its just not right.
Charlotte 2
Good God Evan if we knew the answer we wouldn’t need to ask you. Go on any woman’s site discussing men and the #1 question is why to men start a relationship gung ho and then back off.
It is hurtful and painful to have a man do this indicate interest, give attention and act like he is happy to be with you. I had a man tell me it would break his heart if I dated other men after 3 months of dating. He asked me to be exclusive and told he me he was falling in love. Then about two weeks after I agreed to stop dating others he just disappeared. Poof. I made the mistake of calling him just to get some closure and he acted like I was crazy for asking and said “no nothing is wrong, I’ve just got a lot on my mind.” Then I never heard from him again. It wasn’t me who said I was falling in love or who insisted on exclusivity.
Why would a man say those things if he does not genuinely feel that way? How can one change their mind in a few days over something as serious as love? Does men not realize how hurtful it is to lead a woman on? I’d rather have a man be honest from the get-go and say he is not sure and let’s give it time. Much better than going all out and then poofing. It is incredibly difficult to understand why men do this. That’s is why we look to you to make sense of it.
Katherine 3
I think that men are driven first by the desire to have sex. It’s as strong, probably stronger than a woman’s desire to have a relationship, boyfriend, husband, family. What qualifies a woman for a sexual interlude is much simpler than what qualifies her for a real long-term relationship, if the man is even at that place where they do want to couple on a permanent basis. It is likely that the “coming on strong” is driven by a sexual attraction. Don’t mistake this for wishfully believing that he is feeling the same draw you are, and then be surprised when he disappears. His draw is entirely different most of the time.
Women go cold in relationships too, all the time and often after the twins are born and the big house financed, and the sports car is traded in for a minivan. Much more complex and I am sure disappointing.
So rather than wonder why men disappear, be careful how much you risk until you are pretty certain that he is relationship material – and that doesn’t mean listening to his words – he’s in a daze pre-sex. Don’t have sex and ask brave questions. Or don’t, if that is uncomfortable for you. But don’t be surprised that he “changed” course. He likely didn’t – maybe he just achieved his nature driven goal a lot sooner than you did.
Harsh but it’s essentially how I’ve come to see it.
Isabelle Archer 4
This isn’t exactly answering the question, but I think that focusing on the question of “why do men pull away” might be falling for one of Evan’s “5 Massive Mistakes.” Specifically, “Taking Dating Personally.” Men pull away just because they don’t want to be in a relationship with you. Trying to derive generalizations from it is wasted energy and an example of taking dating too personally.
Steve 5
@Charlotte
Your comment made my empathy circuits kick in. Don’t get fooled into the one sided view of the battle of sexes. Plenty of women AND men ask that question:
“Why did s/he say/do that when s/he didn’t have the same depth of feeling that I do?”
Some of it is capriciousness. Some of it is knowing themselves.
Some of it just enjoying some warmth, despite not being fully committed and being selfish in regards what it will do to the other person’s feelings.
The advice to not take it personally, move on and go by what your men do, not what they say is great advice……..but it is never going to work 100%. Especially after a few months.
Like the rest of us, you are going to hurt, the advice just reduces the pain and the recovery time.
Sorry that had to happen to you
Jackie 6
There is the possibility that women in these situations are simply ignoring the signals that a man is not interested and instead believing in what they want to be true. It’s hard to see clearly when you are in that situation yourself, but how often, when listening to girlfriends moan about men who won’t reciprocate, do you think that it’s so obvious the guy is not interested despite his words? And that the woman just can’t see it? It makes for a great sob story when you tell everyone that the guy was such a misleading jerk- people become sympathetic to your pain. But I think women have to be honest with themselves and ask if deep down, you really did know the truth and the truth was that there were doubts in his mind. I am telling this from experience. And always, if I was honest with myself, there was a little voice that told me, maybe in a brief moment, that the guy had doubts. Men are simply keeping their options open by telling her what she wants to hear. I took me 10 years of dating to finally learn that I alway knew deep down when the guy wasn’t interested.
Selena 7
Going out on the generalizations limb: I think generally men are more comfortable with casual relationships than most women. I think some men can be content dating a woman for any length of time, knowing she’s not “The One” and not caring at all about it. I don’t think men generally experience a whole lot angst over “The One” ideal the way so many women do.
A man may not come across as JNTIY because he’s okay with the r’ship as is…until…he gets the vibe she is alot more serious than he is. Then he might poof, fade out, or become an ass so that she will break it off with him, thereby sparing himself the awkward “I don’t feel the same way you do” conversation. Which could involve her crying, getting mad, begging him to stay and “work it out”, promises to change, and on and on and on. He knows he doesn’t feel the way she wants him to – why prolong the agony?
And the guys who come on so super strong at first? Yeah, I think that’s all about sex usually. Not unlike a “hard sell” sales tactic.
daisy 8
I think, after watching several close male friends over the course of our mid-20s to mid-30s, that the answer is all in timing. I have one friend who I could have sworn would never get married, who got himself into a particular situation and fell for the first woman who came along because he was ready for her (they’re perfect for each other, but I’ve seen similarly perfect women for him get crushed in the past because he wasn’t ready).
Another friend comes on super strong with just about every woman because he puts them on pedestals, only to have them take very long, hard falls when he invariably finds out that they’re *gasp* human. I doubt he’ll ever find someone to marry, although he has several ex-girlfriends that he calls on when he’s single that jump through hoops to do anything for him. That one doesn’t NEED to settle down, and because he doesn’t want children probably never really will.
Another male friend found “the One” later – in his late 30s – after he had played the field and almost everyone else was married. Although his wife is lovely, she is no more lovely or special than others that came before her. She just had the benefit of coming along when he was feeling like he needed to get married.
So I think the answer is “timing”. In general, it seems that women fall in love with a specific man and will move heaven and earth to make her life fit with his; whereas men will reach a certain point in life and the light goes on, and they will almost literally marry the next decent woman who comes along. That’s not an insult to the men or the women they marry; but for timing, any one of their exes might have fit the bill.
Casey 9
I think it is because men often believe they are ready to date/have a relationship before they really are. Then their actions (wanting to have have sex, be exclusive, etc.) get a head of their emotions. When they realize they got into something they weren’t ready for or for the wrong reasons (lonely, dating for the sake of dating, etc.), then they pull away. It’s unfair and it hurts.
As for the advice to Charlotte to not take it personal…that’s a little unrealistic when you’ve been dating for a while and finally meet someone you really like and he’s doing all the things Evan says to show you that he’s into you…you date for a few months and then he asks you to be exclusive…just to he pull away. Even if you understand everything that happened from an intellectual standpoint, you have feelings and unless you’re a replicant like Rachael in “Blade Runner,” at least part of you is gonna take it personal.
Tamara Brown 10
I think biologically humans are not monogamous. Biologically, men (males) are imprinted to have as many children as possible, combined with different genetic pools if possible. Being a default for bringing up and raising the children, women have another inprint: to make the stable environment for children to grow up to adulthood. Biologically, we have different imprints, but socially, we don’t. In the end, it’s the balance of the two.
Cathy Elliss 11
I am thinking Daisy you could be right and yet… straight after my laugh, it felt sad!
For me, I think guys have it so good, can do what they want, when they want and we have been known to let them. So ladies, know what you want and even after your man has committed, don’t turn to mush. That doesn’t do you or him any favours and just turns him off.
For others – many people really have no idea what a healthy, robust relationship is, what is looks like, what it takes to maintain and what the benefits are. Relationship skills are the most called for skill in many areas for women covering different countries, cultures and socioeconomic backgrounds. I really hope that men can catch onto that one, even before they need it (that is after the breakdown of the relationship with the love of their life).
Steve 12
@Jackie #6
.
Didn’t you get the memo that you get the battle of the sexes memo that it is never in any way the woman’s responsibility?
Seriously, as a man, even after knowing better, I’ve done that to myself too. When you are feeling the emotions it is very tempting to ignore the other things you (don’t) see.
Many people think they are the exception to JNTIY
anette 13
Because we want intimacy too soon. We want emotional intimacy, before trust , friendship and common interests are established.
Men want intimacy too soon also, but we are now conditioned to be physical quickly as though it is no big deal.
The quicker you become physically active with a man, the quicker you will want emotional intimacy.
Slow down the physical, and slow down the emotional.
Just my 2c’s.
Emily 14
I think Katherine (no. 3) comment is spot-on! Well done. Now, as regards this question of why men pull away, go cold, etc… well does the answer really matter? I guess it might if we are concerned with how our behaviour might have generated such a responce. But if you think you’ve behaved well, I guess we don’t really need to know why a man might behave that way. The real question is, Why are you sitting around asking questions about a man who has already decided he’s not into you? He’s gone. Get going dating men who want to be with you, if they change course and disappear start again with someone new who is interested! Period.
Dre 15
I wish I knew the answer. I spent 2 years in a committed relationship, we’d had “the talk” multiple times where I questioned if we were equally invested in the relationship and he always insisted YES and then we’d take a step closer. I thought maybe he was a commitment-phobe from the beginning but he insisted he just needed time to build trust. Which is true, there was growth over time and I was in no hurry to live together/get married, etc, there was no pressure.
But at the end of the day, a minor spat and he disappeared. We had one phone call where he said he “really wanted to talk again” and that he would call me very soon. Last time we talked. Some e-mails exchanged, he seems to make excuses as to what was wrong in his mind, each one different. So really I am baffled.
My guess (and the therapists) is that he really was at the limit of what he had to offer emotionally so any strain or need for more was too much. So I know next time I’m going to have to be a lot more careful in evaluating if someone has the capacity to give or not. I’m not sure how to do that. I do know I’m going to have to ask for more faster.
Honey 16
On the whole, it was very balanced for me as far as relationships I ended/backed away from, and relationships that men ended/backed away from (I use the term “relationship” rather loosely as I don’t really think that it’s a relationship unless you’ve been exclusive for 3 months).
When I backed away, it was because something didn’t feel right, so I can only assume it was the same when the guy did it. It’s easy to get carried away on the first few dates before you start analyzing for “real” compatibility. I wouldn’t take it so seriously.
Karl R 17
I think there are three common reasons men pull away. Several people have touched on them.
#1. Timing: As daisy suggested (#8), timing plays the biggest part. For example, if a man is interested in becoming a father, he will want to achieve job/financial success where he believes that he can raise a family with a sufficient level of security.
If I believe that a relationship/marriage will interfere with my dreams/goals, I’m going to wait until I’ve either achieved the dreams/goals, or changed them.
Charlotte said: (#2)
“How can one change their mind in a few days over something as serious as love? Does men not realize how hurtful it is to lead a woman on? I’d rather have a man be honest from the get-go and say he is not sure”
Casey said: (#9)
“he’s doing all the things Evan says to show you that he’s into you date for a few months and then he asks you to be exclusive just to he pull away.”
These quotes bring us to…
#2. Unrealistic Expectations: as Katherine (#3) and Jackie (#6) indicated, a lot of people have unrealistic expectations for their relationships.
Why does a man need to indicate that “he is not sure” “from the get go”? No rational person is sure about a relationship from the beginning.
New relationships are full of promising potential, and they’re also full of reservations. A little over a year ago I was dating a good friend who is an amazing woman. But she has a considerable temper. I didn’t know whether we’d be able to handle our disagreements in a reasonable, mature manner … and I wasn’t going to be able to find out unless we were in an exclusive relationship long enough to experience some conflicts. (She also had reservations about me, and one of those led her to break things off.)
Do Charlotte and Casey really expect me to commit to pursuing the relationship all the way to the end before we’ve even dated exclusively?
I’m also stunned when women say: “don’t men realize how much it hurts women when they pull away?”
It’s a relationship. If it doesn’t work out, there are high odds that at least one person is going to get hurt (often both people). If it does work out, there’s even higher odds that someone will eventually get hurt.
Before I enter into a relationship, I accept the fact that I might get hurt. I make an adult decision that I’m willing to accept that probability. I assume that my partners are capable of making those adult decisions for themselves.
#3. The Cold Equation: I’m in a serious relationship. It appears to be heading toward marriage, and I’m quite happy about that.
Several months into the relationship, however, I had a moment when it felt like a bucket of cold water was thrown in my face. Being in this relationship curtails a lot of my freedom. Was I willing to let go of that freedom (potentially for the rest of my life) in exchange for being in this relationship?
That question isn’t an easy one to answer. My answer depends a lot on the woman, a lot on the quality of our relationship, and a bit on where I was in life.
Even if the man thinks your amazing and is happy in the relationship, there’s a shift in thinking when it changes from “for now” to “forever”.
Ruby 18
I think that any relationship is pretty much up in the air for the first 3-4 months. Generally, it takes 3-6 months for both parties to decide that things are going to become more serious.At this point in my life, I don’t believe much of what a new man tells me unless it is followed up with CONSISTENT action. I think men are very much “in the moment” when they desire sex with a woman (and sometimes when they’re just out on dates), and much of what they say should be considered with that in mind in those early stages of dating.
Women do much more planning and thinking about “the future” early on than do men.Men don’t necessarily voice their reservations about a woman or a relationship early on because they don’t want to scare her off too soon. Plus, they’re not even thinking long-term yet.
And I do agree with Daisy about the Timing issue. Not much can be done if a person isn’t genuinely ready. Men have been known to say they’re ready even when they’re not. Thy want to believe they are because they like you and they want to have sex.
starthrower68 19
There are all kinds of reasons why men pull away, as you can see.But it boils down to one thing: they want to.As Evan has said numerous times in his reponses, men do what they want to do.It’s as simple as that.What women have to learn to do is not to internalize that and always believe they did something wrong.There may be cases in which we did something to turn him off.But, in just as many cases, we did not.Let it go and move forward.Unless you genuinely believe you are at fault and you want to work to change that, the stress of trying to figure it out is just not worth it.
Suzanne 20
Amen, Starthrower68 #19. We could speculate and theorize until hell freezes over about why men do what they do in their relationships with us. But the reality is that you can only control yourself, so I prefer to accept what is — even if I don’t like it. I prefer to not view myself as a victim. So, my job is to understand myself better, so I know how rejection affects me and know how to take care of myself when it does. Preventive medicine. It’s still going to hurt, but it doesn’t have to totally blow me away. I take the time I need, recover, get back on the horse, as they say. Evolution isn’t a speedy thing, and I truly believe eventually men and women will evolve to the point where their emotions and maybe even their biologies are more in synch when it comes to intimate relationships. But I’m pretty sure that won’t be happening in my lifetime. It’s good to stay informed and gain from the wisdom of others regarding relationships, I’m not a robot, and I know that sometimes I’ll have my eyes wide open to all the warning signals a man is giving off and still forge right on into the belly of the beast anyway. Call me human. I just figure that’s why we have women friends and comfort food.
Charlotte 21
These are such well thought out responses and very helpful.
One thing that has drawn me to Evan’s site is that when he explains dating behavior he does not put the “blame” on either sex for why it doesn’t work out.
Most of the relationship sites go one way or other usually blaming the woman for why a man pulled away. She was too needy, she showed her cards too soon, she had too many expectations, she wasn’t a challenge, she was too emotional, she took his words at face value, she took things too personal, she emotionally bonded when she shouldn’t have, etc. etc.. In other words had she not done those things she is led to believe that he would not have pulled away or she should feel no loss/pain if he does bail. And there are also sites that just blame the men. I am not interested in any of those sites.
But I understand now there are a lot of factors for the loss of interest and they cannot all be neatly explained. I believe the reason women ask this question of why men pull away is to make better choices when deciding to emotionally invest in a man. It can be difficult to understand if he is saying and doing all the things that a boyfriend would do and then lose interest. You wonder what you were blind to and why you couldn’t see it coming. Now I know it just happens.
In my particular case I did what Evan said to do which was to stand still. I let him come to me and he did all the pursuing and I was receptive to that pursuit. I waited 2-1/2 months before I had sex and at the time I felt safe. The best thing I have learned from coming here is not devaluing myself and moving on in a gracious optimistic way.
JuJu 22
I remember reading one of the earlier entries on this blog where Evan said that men say the things they say on first dates (e.g., proclaiming he wants to eventually start a family while holding your hand) because “they are being in the moment”. Well, women (usually) are anything but being in the moment when they are first meeting someone. A woman would immediately match the man up against her mental checklist of suitable companion characteristics and attempt to imagine what their children would look like.
Which is one of the points where I disagree with Karl (# 17). I most certainly can tell whether there is any real potential with a given man from our first few meetings. Of course, some problem might arise at some later point that will turn out to be a deal-breaker, but the basic necessary criteria I am able to discern right away. Perhaps (perhaps) men really don’t have the foggiest in the beginning (maybe partly for the above-referenced reason: they are enjoying the moment rather than actually processing / analyzing anything for future’s sake), but if I can, I would think other women do this also, and that is why they ask this question.
As for getting hurt being an inevitable outcome of many relationships: I think, Karl, you sorta missed the point here. None of these women asked why the man broke up with them. They asked why he pulled the disappearing act. Which I personally find to be the height of disrespect. Sure, I did it myself here and there, but not to men I was in actual relationships with, only guys I went out with once or twice.
Which leads me to the following question (and I assure you all that, since this behavior on the part of men seems a bit prevalent, this question is of inquisitive, rather than judgmental, nature): does the ability to disappear like that have anything to do with one’s ethics? To me it seems, putting it mildly, inconsiderate. I would think after an actual relationship where sex and exclusivity were involved, one partner owes another a bit more than that. And the women I personally encountered who did that to men were not good people.
Selena 23
Re: Honey #16
A few years ago when the HJNTIY book was being discussed all over television and the internet I thought (bemusedly), “Oh someone actually wrote a book about that? I could have written that book as could most of my friends lol.” And from there it got me thinking about all the “relationships” broadly defined, that I had ended/backed off from – and why. For whatever reason, at some point after the initial attraction I decided the guy just wasn’t for me. Maybe it was some aspects of his personality. Maybe it was mannerisms, habits. Mostly it was feeling that “there just isn’t enough there”, something was missing, or as you put it, a general sense of it just didn’t feel right.
It was after this review/reflection of myself I was better able to understand the guys who had backed out of a relationship with me. They realized I wasn’t the woman for them. Simple as that. End of story. Took some of the mystery (and sting) out of past dating experiences.
I believe intense attraction, infatuation, not only blinds us to the red flags that someone really isn’t right for us, but may also persuade us to see more there than there really is. We may misinterpret someone’s level of interest as higher than it really is because that’s how we feel. And you are right Honey, analyzing the *real* compatiblity tends to come later.
Karl R 24
JuJu said: (#22)
“I most certainly can tell whether there is any real potential with a given man from our first few meetings.”
Selena said: (#23)
“at some point after the initial attraction I decided the guy just wasn’t for me. [...] after this review/reflection of myself I was better able to understand the guys who had backed out of a relationship with me. They realized I wasn’t the woman for them. Simple as that. End of story.”
Juju,
Selena’s reply covered your statement far better than I ever could. It applies equally to men and women.
JuJu said: (#22)
“None of these women asked why the man broke up with them. They asked why he pulled the disappearing act. Which I personally find to be the height of disrespect.”
Let me get this straight. You’re saying that the women aren’t hurt by the rejection? They’re hurt because the men are rude about it?
I agree that it’s rude. I’ve had women vanish on me also.
But my original statement covers this as well. If you’re that hurt by discourteous behavior (which is inevitable when dating), then you aren’t mature enough to handle a relationship.
JuJu asked: (#22)
“does the ability to disappear like that have anything to do with one’s ethics?”
I’d call it a matter of courtesy, not ethics.
Some of it relates to a person’s past experience. After several breakups, I have an opinion of how I’d like to be treated. That’s the way I treat women when I break up with them.
However, if you’ve never been on the receiving end of a breakup, or all your breakups involve your partner vanishing, you probably won’t have those experiences to base your own behavior on.
JuJu 25
But my original statement covers this as well. If you’re that hurt by discourteous behavior (which is inevitable when dating), then you aren’t mature enough to handle a relationship.
Hmm, not sure I agree with this (I am not sure I am seeing the connection), but let me think about it some more before I respond.
I actually never had anyone vanish on me, but one guy did break up with me via e-mail (not as bad as Carrie Bradshaw’s breakup on a post-it, but still), which I thought was extremely cowardly and disrespectful. Our relationship was at approximately the same stage Charlotte described in post #2.
Just to clarify, when I said I more or less know from the start, I didn’t mean that I know how our relationship will progress or whether a relationship will even begin (after all, there is another person involved, and I don’t know what he is thinking), but what I can determine, with considerable accuracy, is whether he is the kind of man I could possibly fall in love with.
JuJu 26
Btw, I definitely disagree that you have to have experience on which to base your choices (in this particular regard, at least). What about basic human decency and consideration?
JuJu 27
Oh, and if we agree that this behavior is discourteous, then isn’t that the real issue? We are inclined to be emotionally wounded by it, instead of congratulating ourselves on not spending too much of our time on a person who obviously didn’t deserve it. I mean, if you look at this kind of situation objectively, we should be thankful those people showed their true colors relatively early in the relationship.
As Jackie (#6) already said, intuitively one does know if the other party isn’t truly interested. I remember that after my above-mentioned e-mail breakup I was much more angry at myself than I ever was at the man, since the red flags (one of them being the ample evidence that he was in love with the idea of being in love) were all there from the beginning, I just chose to ignore them.
Honey 28
Re: Selena #23 – yes, I read HJNTIY and thought it was a) great, but b) nothing anyone else on the planet who’s dated more than 2 people couldn’t have written
That said, I did enjoy the tone and humor of it – and, well, we can all use some reminders of the obvious sometimes (at least I hope we all can, and it’s not just me).
But I was a very active dater for many years, and only 2 men have ever broken my heart – both guys that I dated for over a year. I’ve been disappointed, irritated, deceived, let down, etc. (pick your adjective) by guys that I’ve dated for shorter periods of time, but at a totally manageable intensity (say at the most a 4 on a scale of 1-10, whereas those guys I dated for over a year easily got me to a 10).
Even if you’ve dated for 3 months, at one date a week we are talking about someone you’ve seen 12 times in perhaps 4-hour increments. That’s 48 hours, 2 days in real life. Yes, there were probably some phone conversations, too, but how low does your self-esteem have to be to be devastated over the actions of someone you’ve only spent 2 days’ worth of time with in person?
I guess what it boils down to for me is that while you can’t control other people’s actions, your reaction is totally your responsibility and is totally changeable. Yes, there are people out there who will disappoint you for a variety of reasons and with a variety of motives (or no motives). But emotions are a choice and you can train yourself to have different responses. A psychologist who taught me how to use positive self-talk worked great for me when I was younger; biofeedback is another great way of recognizing your stress responses and redirecting yourself at an early stage, before you have an emotional breakdown. Or you could just read Evan’s blog
Selena 29
Re:#28
Yeah, the men who *bruised* my heart were the ones I had loved and lived with for years. The one’s who backed out of a potential r’ship after a couple weeks or months? I have a hard time remembering their last names now.
I don’t consider any ‘thing’ that lasted under 3 months to be very serious. You’re still just getting to know each other – and yeah, better to poof early rather than later when it will really hurt. One can look at it as dodging a bullet – to put a positive spin on it.
Singlet 30
From the POV of my last relationship, the guy I was with was just quicker to realise that things weren’t right than I was. I have a slight masochistic side where I am willing to put up with bad stuff for the good stuff (I’m sure a lot of women are like this), whereas he saw it more as it was and made the break. Still very hard to deal with, even though I know that it was the right move.
starthrower68 31
@ Karl #24,
Karl, you are wise but must respectfully disagree with you about being hurt when a guy vanishes. We are human beings and rejection hurts. Now, some people may be hurt less by it than others, but it still stings, nonetheless. I have found, at least for myself, that it’s ok to go ahead and fact the hurt, work through it, and move on. Trying to deny it or bury it only lets it fester.
After that initial sting of rejection subsides, I figure that person’s disappearance is probably a blessing in disguise and though I may not understand it now, somewhere down the road I will see why I was better off not having that person in my life.
Karl R 32
starthrower68 said: (#31)
“but must respectfully disagree with you about being hurt when a guy vanishes. [...] I have found, at least for myself, that it’s ok to go ahead and fact the hurt, work through it, and move on.”
As far as I can tell, we agree completely on this. My 2nd post (#24) refers back to my first post (#17) where I essentially said what you said.
You will be hurt by rejection (or possibly rudeness, as JuJu claimed (#22)) in relationships. You have to accept the inevitable, face the hurt, and date anyway. If someone is incapable of facing the hurt or moving on, they shouldn’t date.
Selena 33
Singlet #30
That’s a very good point. I think many of us have stayed in relationships past their expiration date because we were getting something out of it even if it wasn’t great. We might have wanted to continue hoping it would get better, but the other person just felt “Nah, this isn’t working.”
JuJu 34
I never claimed the women are only hurt by the rudeness of such behavior, Karl – that’s just adding insult to injury. Not only did he dump her, he also did it in the most inconsiderate way possible.
Clear now?
Ruby 35
As far as men over 40 are concerned, I find that many older men don’t seem too interested in getting into a serious relationship any more, sometimes including not even having a steady girlfriend. They seem happy with casual relationships. Generally, they’re divorced, are dealing with kids and ex-wives, have finished raising kids and now want some “me time”. Or they’ve never been married or lived with anyone and probably never will. I didn’t see this too much whan I was younger and men were thinking more about marriage and/or starting families.
JerseyGirl 36
I think men aren’t as loyal to women as women can be to men. I also think men are less willing to make self sacrifices for a relationship when women are willing to sacrifice so much more. Men really have it easy. At the end of the day, on top of it all, they can blame it on biology about how many women they want to bed. It’s a reminder that no matter what you do as a woman, for him, the quantity is always more important. Whatever is newer is better to men and you just can’t compete with it.
I’d love a good relationship. I just don’t think men today want the same and are willing to put in the effort that will equal my effort. And I think me nwant female adoration all the while telling women how unimportant we are as indivdual people but how much we matter as far as variety goes.
Karl R 37
JerseyGirl said: (#36)
“I think men aren’t as loyal to women as women can be to men.”
According to therapist Judy Kuriansky, PhD, “I believe that 60 percent of women will at some point in their marriage embark on an extramarital affair.”
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/01/17/earlyshow/living/main667380.shtml
JerseyGirl, how are you defining “loyal”? I would say many men AND women fall short in that regard.
Furthermore, it seems that many women are attracted to men who are disloyal. It seems that most women (initially) choose men based on whether they are exciting or boring, not based on whether they are loyal or disloyal.
How many single women have affairs with married men, with the expectation that these men will leave their wives and marry them? These are men who have a proven track record of disloyalty.
JerseyGirl said: (#36)
“I just don’t think men today want the same and are willing to put in the effort that will equal my effort.”
Think about your last three relationships. What percentage of the dates did you plan? What percentage of the dates did you pay for?
If you discount the effort that the man puts in, then you’re going to skew the perspective about who is putting in what amount of effort.
My girlfriend says that our relationship is the best relationship that she has ever been in. The reason: our relationship takes less effort from her than any of the previous ones.
Perhaps your expectations about a “good relationship” are getting in the way of having one.
JerseyGirl said: (#36)
“I also think men are less willing to make self sacrifices for a relationship”
“Men really have it easy.”
“they can blame it on biology about how many women they want to bed.”
“no matter what you do as a woman, for him, the quantity is always more important. Whatever is newer is better to men and you just can’t compete with it.”
“I think me nwant female adoration all the while telling women how unimportant we are as indivdual people but how much we matter as far as variety goes.”
What decent man would want to date someone with that attitude?
I’m not about to waste months of my life with a woman who assumes I’m scum, trying to convince her that I’m a decent guy. Any decent guy is going to find this attitude so offensive that he will vanish as soon as he gets a whiff of it.
The guy who is that lousy might stick with that kind of a woman … provided he thinks he can still get what he wants out of the relationship.
sayanta 38
I know this blog is about debate and discussion- and although the decent guys here have always made excellent points, I have to say this: if a woman is absolutely intent on hating men and the state of dating, no amount of logic and argument, no matter how civil and reasonable, is going to change her mind. For example, say you’re calmly walking down the street and someone just randomly comes up to you and starts screaming, “Why do you have green hair, you moron?” even though you’re blond. Do you stand there and calmly say, “Wait a minute, crazy lady (or dude). You are mistaken. My hair is not green, but a lovely shade of strawberry blonde. Can’t you see?” No…you just ignore him and get the eff out of there.
Now- I don’t want to sound like I’m making fun of the guys who post with reasonable arguments about why women shouldn’t be fed-up, jaded, etc. Sometimes, they’ve done wonders to boost my morale. But the pattern is- the SAME female posters come on here hatin’ and the same men put forth arguments that you shouldn’t hate because of xyz. Boys, I think you’re beating your head against a wall here….
But if you’re just posting for the hell of it, because you love it, go right ahead, I guess….
Evan Marc Katz 39
Thanks, Sayanta. So, from now on, would you please be the woman who backs me up and makes my reasonable arguments for me?
Like the female Karl? Because I’m exhausted at defending myself in my own house!
The way I see it, if you don’t like the cooking, find somewhere else to eat. Don’t keep coming to the restaurant and complaining to the management that the chef sucks.
XO
The Management
sayanta 40
EMK-
LOL- you already have A-L for that though…I’m afraid I can’t compete with her.
Selena 41
Speaking of A-L…where’s she been lately?
Love to hear her thoughts on being the female Karl.
Valerie 42
Daisy- You hit the nail on the head. It’s all about timing.
It seems like women are interchangeable to men.
I know a lot of men like that. And it’s hard to believe that they “love” their wives when they only “love” someone when it’s convenient for them.
That just makes them fair weathered friends in my opinion.
sayanta 43
#42, Valerie-
“They love themselves when it’s convenient for them.”
Are you talking about specific men, or are you getting this from your girlfriends and Cosmo? If you are talking about specific men who’ve done this, you’re not actually inside a man’s head. Therefore, it’s arrogant (for you and other women)- to assume that they chose to “love someone when it’s convenient for them.” I’m not a man, but I think I can pretty much assume that they run from arrogance.
A lot of posters have said this- that they see men settling at some point, and they can’t possibly imagine why. Reading this, it just screams “I’m a bitter ex.” How do you know personally the intricacies of the relationship with the woman that they chose to settle with? Are you the family housecat?
Karl R 44
Valerie (#42),
I think you managed to completely misconstrue what diana meant (#8).
Women aren’t interchangeable, but we don’t assume that there is “The One” we must marry. I don’t have to marry the first woman I meet who would be a wonderful spouse. Eventually, I will meet another.
Men do love women when it’s inconvenient. But we don’t marry them when it’s that inconvenient … even when we love them.
Men aren’t fair-weather friends. Our behavior follows Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Our ability to provide for a spouse/family takes precedence over our desire to have the benefits that come from that relationship.
You’ll find plenty of men who don’t follow the behaviors I just described. They’re the kind of men who are fathers by the time they’re 20 and divorced by the time they’re 25.
Chai 45
To recap Juju wrote at # 22
None of these women asked why the man broke up with them. They asked why he pulled the disappearing act. Which I personally find to be the height of disrespect….does the ability to disappear like that have anything to do with one’s ethics? To me it seems, putting it mildly, inconsiderate. I would think after an actual relationship where sex and exclusivity were involved, one partner owes another a bit more than that
Karl R #24
“Let me get this straight. You’re saying that the women aren’t hurt by the rejection? They’re hurt because the men are rude about it?I agree that it’s rude……..l. If you’re that hurt by discourteous behavior (which is inevitable when dating), then you aren’t mature enough to handle a relationship.”
Let me dare to make the claim that the ‘pain’ of ‘rejection’ is minimal compared to the dishonour and violation that results from disrespect. What is ‘rejection’ anyway? all it is are two people making choices about what they want in life and what they dont – to even term it as ‘rejection’ is immature, adolescent -ish language. Sometimes choices clash, not everyone gets what they want but as long as there is mutual understanding and respectful treatment the pain is minor (and a good pain not a bad pain) and can in fact quite a liberating evolutionary experience for both parties.
In life its not what you do, but how you do it that matters.
In terms of actions, Respect stands supreme, even above love, and its violation is the ultimate violation. Juju is absolutely right in her point, and it is rare to see this issue (of disrespect) brought up in the context of relationships today, even though it has become appalingly common and dismissible, just as you have done with your comment.
Get over ‘rejection’, in adult relationships respect/disrespect is THE ISSUE, and it is far, far worse in its devastating effects than ‘rejection’ or a breakup
No one can control their feelings, whether you ‘love’ someone or not, you cannot change the way you feel. Every ‘adult’ knows that. But how you behave and act is something that we are in control of and 100% accountable for. Respect is something that (if the person you do not ‘love’ has not done anything wrongful to you) you owe the person even if you do not ‘love’ them. And if due respect is not given, it should be condemned unequivocally by all.
When a relationship of significance to either party ends, it is the duty of both parties to communicate, negotiate and reach a clear understanding for themselves and their partner. To treat each other with care, respect and honour is paramount whether you are in a relationship or breaking up, getting married, within the marriage or even getting divorced.
Most relationships are temporary, hence one of the most important areas to focus on is how a ‘break up’ should be conducted. I have been apalled at the disgusting garbage I have seen all over the internet, in magazines, media and even books. the ‘cutting off all contact’ with an ex has been abused as a tool for revenge via humiliation that can be gotten away with, with impunity and even support, just as you have given.
To pull a ‘dissapearing act’ is with no explanation is unnaceptable, and should be condemned, not excused as you have done, Karl. We all need to question our acceptance of this kind of behaviour as being inevitable or acceptable in any way.
shonda 46
I think its no one reason why men pull away from women . Some men are just sexually attracted to women and the way they express it can be mistaken as he is really interested and wants a relationship. Also, men(women as well) do not take the time to really get to knowa person sometimes. The way you feel about them on the first date may be absolutely different by the second date. I ‘ve been on a first date or talk to a guy a few times and thought he was the one, but as you get to know them you find out differently. They may start to notice things about you that they don’t like, such as, personality. The best thing to do is not get your hopes up too soon. No mattter how interested a man may act in the beginning, you still need to wait and see if the feelings will remain the same.
Selena 47
Shonda #46
“The best thing to do is not get your hopes up too soon. No matter how interested a man may act in the beginning, you still need to wait and see if the feelings will remain the same.”
Excellent advice.
Karl R 48
Chai said: (#45)
“None of these women asked why the man broke up with them. They asked why he pulled the disappearing act.”
One of the original questions:
“I don’t understand the guys that come on super strong over the course of a couple weeks, and then, all of a sudden, say that they are ‘not ready for a relationship.’ ”
If the guy is still around to say he’s not ready for a relationship, then he hasn’t pulled the disappearing act.
Of the nine original questions, four involved disappearing acts, one clearly did not, and the remaining four were indeterminate. Therefore, the common thread between all of them has to be something else.
Chai said: (#45)
“In terms of actions, Respect stands supreme, even above love, and its violation is the ultimate violation.”
Everyone agrees that pulling the disappearing act is disrespectful (regardless of whether the man or woman does it). Everyone agrees that both people should be respectful.
But your perspective puts you in a spot where you’re a powerless victim.
When one of my girlfriends pulled a vanishing act on me, her actions were a reflection on her. My response was a reflection on me. Her actions could not violate me, any more than the rain can when it falls on my head.
My response could dishonor me; such as, allowing her back into an intimate relationship with me after treating me with disrespect.
Chai said: (#45)
“No one can control their feelings, whether you love someone or not, you cannot change the way you feel.”
I can’t completely control the way I feel, but I can certainly influence my feelings.
When that woman pulled the vanishing act on me, I didn’t feel devastated or violated or dishonored. I felt annoyed. And in a few weeks I got over my annoyance and moved on.
If you’re a slave to your feelings, unwilling or unable to influence them, then you are at the complete mercy of every person who wants to hurt you. All they have to do is treat you with disrespect, and they can tear your world apart.
Chai said: (#45)
“To pull a dissapearing act is with no explanation is unnaceptable, and should be condemned, not excused as you have done, Karl. We all need to question our acceptance of this kind of behaviour as being inevitable or acceptable in any way.”
I don’t excuse it. I just claim that other people’s behavior is outside of our control, which makes it inevitable that you and I will encounter disrespect in the future.
But you go ahead and have a crusade to condemn disrespect and make it more unacceptable than it already is. Let me know if that prevents people from treating you with disrespect.
In the meantime, I’ll tell people that it’s not a reflection on them if someone treats them with disrespect. I’ll show them how not to let that kind of behavior disrupt their lives.
My method might not be as flashy as your crusade, but it’s a whole lot more effective.
Adelle 49
Karl – “If you’re a slave to your feelings, unwilling or unable to influence them, then you are at the complete mercy of every person who wants to hurt you. All they have to do is treat you with disrespect, and they can tear your world apart.”
…Ne’r a truer word was spoken
Michelle 50
Hi all and thanks so much for all this. I recently lost contact with an encouraging guy I hadn't met (but had been texting and Facebooking for 8 months) who suddenly removed me from his FB. Why? Who knows! I refuse to lower myself to his level and ask. It was hurtful due to the fact that he asked me out (I was going on holiday and was unable to go) but I said I would have gone otherwise and asked him a few questions, for e.g. about the names of his cats (how dare I be so personal lol). He didn't reply to me regularly or answer simple questions (red flags…) and when I asked why he didn't reply he removed me from FB.
and I thank you. Time and support are great healers and I see now that it was never right and it is near perfect with my new guy. Early days though. Lol.
So I had expectations because he showed that he was interested. My ego was bruised to be honest! However he was disrespectful (there were signs of this early on too) and I don't understand his behaviour. Timing? Well he was off to Australia on his own for a month, so possibly.
The important thing is that firstly I texted him that to encourage someone and then ignore them was hurtful and not OK. I then said that although I wasn't wanting to talk to him particularly I was wishing him a good holiday because it was my natural personality (making the point that I am courteous and proud of it!) I then also achieved closure with a message that said "bygones" and thanked him for introducing me to certain music. No reply from him through all of this by the way!
The Result… point made, self-respect maintained, moved on, have a new boyfriend!
Karl… your thoughtful practicality is a gem of an attribute
Renitta 51
Perfect generalization # 7.
starthrower68 52
This thread might make me better able to illustrate my point than on the other thread I posted it on. I get it that a woman should not get her hopes up too soon, have a busy full life, etc. So what should a woman do? Because if an attraction develops with someone, and she plays it cool or is non-chalant, then that's playing games. This is what I have trouble with. I'm sure it sounds like I'm overthinking it, but it seem that a woman has to be and not be all at the same time.
Selena 53
@ Starthrower #52
Well I've always pretty much done the mirroring thing – showing the level of interest, enthusiasm the guy showed to me. Never even knew it was a "thing" lol. Or as Evan puts it another way, a woman doesn't have to do anything – she lets the man reveal himself to her – she observes. Maybe I'm odd, but I don't find that difficult.
What I think can be difficult is when a woman finds herself highly attracted, physically and perhaps mentally and emotionally as well, to a man who is only semi-interested in her. This can be difficult to accept, even to recognize. But repeatedly calling, asking a man over, or out, isn't going to make someone who is only semi-interested more interested. Sooo…eventually you have to decide if the casualness of the relationship is not enough, you have to move on. And that can be difficult too if you are still infatuated.
I really don't understand Star what you mean by "a woman has to be and not be all at the same time". Could you elaborate on that?
Karl R 54
starthrower68 said: (#52)
"… it seem that a woman has to be and not be all at the same time."
Are you familiar with Buddhist philosophy? The concept of The Middle Path is relevant here. Simplified, it says that you can't reach your goal by going to one extreme or the other, but you need to follow a path between the two extremes.
If your first date goes well, you should be open about your interest in having another date. You're not concerning yourself with anything long-term, but you're genuinely expressing your desire to see him again in the short-term. And that's just one example of how this applies to dating.
sayanta 55
man, if everyone applied Buddhist concepts to dating, there wouldn't BE any gender wars. LOL
Helen 56
Sayanta, if everyone applied Buddhist concepts to dating, we'd all be celibate and have shaved heads, wouldn't we?
sayanta 57
helen-
Asceticism and being a 'householder' are two paths to enlightenment in Hinduism- although I'm not as well-versed in Buddhism- I imagine that the Middle Path is similar to 'householder.' Every religion has two main divisions- the ascetics and the 'marrieds'. Obviously- asceticism means no gender ward. LOL- but I was thinking along the lines of what Karl described as the Middle Path.
Joe 58
Selena wote in #53:
What I think can be difficult is when a woman finds herself highly attracted, physically and perhaps mentally and emotionally as well, to a man who is only semi-interested in her. This can be difficult to accept, even to recognize. But repeatedly calling, asking a man over, or out, isn't going to make someone who is only semi-interested more interested. Sooo…eventually you have to decide if the casualness of the relationship is not enough, you have to move on. And that can be difficult too if you are still infatuated.
This happens all the time to guys too you know…
Selena 59
Yeah Joe, I know.
I don't see many gender differences despite the "hardwiring" stuff some women who've written here seem to believe in.
Eight at Eight Dinner Club 60
There are a number of reasons why men pull away from relationships. Men don't respond well to pressure. When men naturally need some space, their girl begins to panic and push trying to get his attention.
I think a man values his independence greatly, and if his girlfriend is not happy with herself and seems needy, this pushes him away.
Miriam 61
Because alot of men don't know what they really want, but they are driven by physical attraction, then get confused by how their private parts make them feel; when they wake up to reality, they realize, that the woman or women they are seeing doesn't fit into their ideal…usually, the man has alot of personal issues to work through or even perhaps addictins which would make them incompatible with anyone. You have to be a happy whole person on your own before you can bring anyone or anything new to the table and then, you may not want or need it yourself.
You can also be physically attracted, but not emotionally or intellectually fulfilled by an individual and get them rather from friends, work or pets…only the sexual part has to come from a partner.
Grasshopper 62
Why men disappear:
1) Men think that as long as they haven't formally ended the relationship, they can always recross the bridge. Women don't think this way.
2) They are unsure. They are unsure of you, themselves, and whether or not they are really ready for a relationship. Sometimes these things seem great in theory, but as reality gets a little closer, it gets scary.
3) They have enough information to decide that they no longer wish to see you (especially if you have dated only for a month or so). Men don't enjoy rejection–a man does not want a woman to call him for the sole purpose of rejecting him. He would rather she quietly disappear and figure it out on his own, and he gives a woman what he would want in that situation. Unfortunately, this isn't what women want.
4) Corollary to #4: They are cowardly (especially if you have been dating for longer than 6 months). This is a statement on the quaity of the man's character.
5) A man sometimes needs space, and by pulling away he is actually testing your ability to respect his boundaries. A man needs to feel he can remain emotionally safe and autonomous in order to go deeper. When a man pulls away, and a woman calls him and pressures him, harangues him, or tells him he has a fear of commitment, his doubts are confirmed.
6) Pendulum theory. There is an old sales theory that teaches salespeople to remain slightly more negative than the prospect. Many times in the sales prospect, a prospect will be initially very positive, the salesperson will get excited and anticipate closing the deal, and then the prospect suddenly turns negative and refuse to buy. Dating is very similiar. The next time a man comes on strong and confesses love and affection, especially early in a relationship, push back and get a little negative. You may be surprised at what happens next.
My two cents.
Lisa 63
Hello All,
I was just in a situation today, where a friend of mines for three years told me a yr ago before he went to iraq to serve that he wantd to always be with me..(we had a lot of sexual energy we never acted on) he was single then and i wasn’t so I agreed to go on a date. .He stood me up… (I should have known then) But he came back and looked me up and again gave me the same spiel..(Keep in mind I am in a relationship w/ my bf of 4 yrs and he has cheated on me three diff times so I am unhappy with being loyal for so long..No excuses, just the truth) he wanted to be with me, he wanted to see me happy, he just wants to experience me, I know he wanted to have sex but I honestly thought since we were friends that it would be okay and mayb It cld go somewhere..Boy was I wrong, after being intimate with twice, he wld just tlk constantly about his sons mother and then wanted to take it slow and everything had to be on his time… The signs are all there that he wantd the bootie and once got it just wanted it to be whatever and nothing serious. But I wanted to I wantd to have a talk with him bout what we were doing, since both us (forgot to mention) were in committed unhappy relationships. When I mentioned the talk he got very distant, syop calling and told me this moring we should just keep it at friends and not let it go any futher. Of course I am mad because, I ve just cheated on my bf w/ someone I thought was my friend and would look out for me, but he didn’t and know I am left feeling like a I pushed him too hard with wanting to talk and lay out boundaries and mayb I shldve ignored it and let it be. I love my bf but he has been unfaithful to me a lot throughout our years (for reasons he cant explain since to him I am perfect and did nothing wrong, his words) and this was my way of secretly getting back at him while trying to be happy w/ someone else I had feelings for a long time. It didn’t work and most people told me it wouldn’t. But in reading these post I ve realized that men don’t want the serious talk fast, they don’t want to be chased and men are habitual liars, they say what they want to get what they want and once they have it, on to the next..Unless they care about your feelings. .Which in my case no matter how much this friend said he would look out for me and be honest bout this to help me through this, since it was the 1st time in my life I chose to be unfaithful, he really just cared about his life more.. Men our selfish. Women be more selfish and maybe we’d have a lot more fun.
starthrower68 64
@Grasshopper #62,
I think alot of what you say is spot on, kind of like Psych 101. I think where I struggle is all of the pretense that is dating. It has been my experience that attraction brings with it trouble. I'm sure I will be told that it's my fault for placing expectations on anything, blah blah blah, and that's fine. I keep coming to the same conclusion, however, right or wrong and it is simply this: men, go ahead and be who you are. I have no desire to change you or make it be different. But I also have no desire to deal with the fickleness and nuroses just to date or find a relationship. Could finding a great guy make life better? Probably. Can I be just as happy without the drama? Most certainly.
LOL! Yes Evan, I hear you. If I don't change, nothing will change. But I'm ok with being a casual observer of the dating scene and reserving my mental and emotional energy for the people in my life who can reciprocate.
starthrower68 65
I might be over-explaining this, but I want to be very clear that I'm not criticizing those who are ok with certain things and desire a relationship enough to navigate those things. God bless you and more power to you! It's my wish for you to have the love you want. As far as why I keep coming back to Evan's blog? I have learned a lot from his observations, toughlove, etc. I don't for one second believe Evan says anything that isn't true. When my friends come to me with relationship issues, I find myself passing on Evan's advice or even just sharing his blog. It's really just a question of what a person wants and what they are willing to do or tolerate to have it.
lilo 66
I have come to the conclusion that men pull the disappearing act for three reasons
1) Because they are not real mature men and they do not have the balls to be honest and up front about there decision, regardless of what the reason maybe for the decision.
2) They do not feel you are important enough to be told why they might not be interested. And they are not interested in coming up w/ a reason either. Because whatever the reason, you are sure to be hurt, and they know that they will have to own up to hurting you, and we all know how men hate to own up to things they feel they don’t have to.
I imagine that men think it’s better to avoid and disappear then to have to hear someone accuse you of hurting them. (I am not talking about real men) Believe me if they were interested enough they wouldn’t disappear.
3) They just wanted the sex and they disappeared to not have to tell you it was just about the sex and they want to keep the lines open for future endeavors.
In my Opinion (just my Opinion) anyone who is in a relationship no matter how long and have been sexually intimate and one wants to pull away, that person should be grown up enough to express to the other why they no longer feel that the relationship is worth pursuing. I say this because no matter how much the hurt might be with whatever
might be the reason for pulling away, a woman wants to know why… Why you ask do women want to know? …Simple, so we don’t make the same mistake in the future, and we could watch for the signs. Every relationship that has ended should be considered a stepping stone to what you might want to deal with or what you might not want to deal with in your future relationships. In other words, don’t feel rejected or blame. Just move on and realize that this one didn’t work maybe and just maybe, in the next one you wouldn’t settle for someone who is really not that interested in you. Don’t make yourself believe what isn’t there. I know women do this all the time. Me as a prime example.
We want REAL MEN who own up to there actions no matter what the reason for there actions might be.
Oh and remember always…. that action speaks louder than words. See the signs. Don’t ignore them and think you are making them up, or here is another one, say men are men they are all the same, we just have to deal with it. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT. You deserve an honest and loving man who cares to be honest no matter what the hurt may be. Nobody said honest wasn’t being hurt.
Helen 67
Maybe, just maybe, men pull away from relationships for the same reasons women pull away from relationships.
Sometimes that means the end of the relationship (if someone pulls away because the relationship isn't right). Sometimes, though, it just means that the man or the woman needs space at the moment. In either case, it is wise for the partner to give space rather than to keep chasing and hounding.
starthrower68 68
Well another spin is that some people do not have secure attachment styles and they are avoidant; I struggle with this one big time. While I am working on it, when I sense a man is pulling away, I withdraw. So he usually gets the space he wants and then some. Is it right? Maybe not, I'm not sure. Just saying its what it is.
Joe 69
Some people are just non-confrontational and find it easier to just avoid the issue.
Michelle 70
I think men wnat to hear that a woman wants to know what is going on with them emotionally but it is hard for them to admit it. They would rather pull away quietly with the least amount of hassle, however a man who truly loves you will be there to give the reassurance that we need, and us women need a lot of reassurance! I am still with my boyfriend whi gives me security and meets my needs but have been unable to forget about the guy who has pulled away (see previous thread). So I was true to myself and messaged this week to ask him what his problem is with me when we were getting on well, I asked did he feel I was invading his privacy (that he needed space) and if so why not just say that. Now he may be too emotionally immature to respond but if so I have at least done my bit in trying to bring to his attention the hurtfulness of his actions. Who knows, maybe it will help another woman not to get treated badly in the future!
P.S. Am aware a lot of us are generalising badly about men… lol
JuJu 71
Helen, #67: “Maybe, just maybe, men pull away from relationships for the same reasons women pull away from relationships.”
But that’s the thing – I wouldn’t just disappear on someone I was in an actual relationship with. This is precisely what we were discussing earlier in this thread: it’s not about the loss of interest, it’s about the inherent disrespect of the act. A considerate, ethical individual would never do that to another. And do you really care why a bad person suddenly up and left?
Starthrower, #68: “Well another spin is that some people do not have secure attachment styles and they are avoidant; I struggle with this one big time.”
I don’t understand what this means. Could you please explain?
Michelle 72
@ Juju
I guess it means that some do people lake you feel very safe and cared for by being very present in a relationship whereas others are not as capable of this, possibly due to not having this feeling from theor parents. Hope that helps.
Of course, the thing is there are many things that I liked about the guy and I think he must have deliberately pulled away for a reason and yes, I would like to know why because the rest of him seemed to be quite a nice person. I suppose sometimes people think they are doing someone a favour by being blunt. Although it isn;t always so! Perhaps I am making excuses for him. Don;t we do that all the time for people we care about?
starthrower68 73
@Michelle & JuJu -
You’re on the right track; but as very young children, we learn an attachment style based on how our parents interacted with us. For example, my mother put me in the playpen in front of the TV most of the time; my dad was in Viet Nam for the first 13 months of my life. My mother left when I was 5 and my dad wasn’t quite emotionally involved with me the way a lot of dads are with their girls. So my attachment style is avoidant; some might think I’m aloof, but because I’m kind of used to a certain amount of distance, sometimes a dating situation might feel to close or clingy.
Conversely, with my children, their father and I constantly held them as infants, have always been affectionate with them, and been emotionally and hands-on involved with them. So they are able to form healthy attachments to others because that was modeled for them at a very young age.
Now, that’s not to say that all people pull away for those reasons. Some are just lousy people.
Michelle 74
Yes I undersatand, but even though my father planted that avoidance in me I have worked on myself so that I can now form close relationships. I think if you love and care for someone you try to work things out so that you can stay with that person. However it took me about 37 years to get to this stage! I am still confused as to why that guy blanked me, I think it must actually mean I meant something to him or he wouldn’t have reacted in such a way. It is odd as we are now back to where we were when we first started communicating (almost a year ago too!) with him acknowldging me but at a distance. Actually that is OK nit woebetide him if he tries to get any closer again without giving me an explanation first! Boundaries are essential and in fact I read once that if you have no boundaries you have no real love and trust as otherwise you let people you claim to love get away with behaviour that is harmful to themselves and others.
Mal 75
Funny, this just happened to me a week ago with a men who is kind, attentive, etc. But after I asked what he would do if the ex fiance came back in the picture, 24 hrs later he ended it. I just cooly excepted his decision without argument telling him I deserved someone who is there for me as I know my worth and ended the call. He texted and I finally conceded to talking the next day. He asked if he could call me in a month or two….my response is he can try. I have no guarentees that I’ll take that call. That I’ve lost trust he’s not going to pull the rug out from under me again. Bottom line is he needs to work through whatever his demons are (the ex, too son a commitment with me, uncertainty, whatever). And bottom line he’s taking a huge risk in losing me by doing soon.
I’ve been hurting the last week, know I’m not ready to date, but my next project has to be me.
Lisa 76
I just “ended” a relationship with a man that I have been with for over a year now. I accepted it but he initiated. I wrote “ended” because we are in limbo currently; we are still in contact, when he asked if he could contact me ‘from time to time,’ not almost daily, as it is now. He signs his name on e-mails with “love.” The reason he ended it is because he was stressed and overwhelmed and says I did nothing wrong. Why doesn’t he want me to be with him to help him through it if that were truly the case? Again, as is a consistent comment here, he pursued me and I wanted to take it slow. It is painful to think about it being finally over but this limbo hurts even more.
Steve 77
A mans point of view:
It is pretty amazing sometimes, we speak with a huge paint brush and make generalities. So ladies, here is a man’s point of view perhaps some perspective.
Lets get some truths out first, men are not the only ones that back off, women do it as well.
I have met women in the beginning of dating and everything is so complimentary , spontaeous emails and then a pull back. So it does work both ways.
Communication , Communication we as human beings really do not communicate well, and within that there is the friendship pieces. Let’s face it most people including myself don’t like to feel suffocated, in other words you have to give each other the freedom to do what you want to do and if the other person in the relationship wants to see their buddies or girlfriends let em.
What gets lost in translation is the communication of something like this.” I really want to spend time with X tomorrow, can we get together later”? or… at least the messaging to the other person that you still want to be with them but you want some of your own space. It is that simple, if the other person gets upset or puts pressure on the person cause they want to spend some independence time, now you are in a bit of trouble.
Here is the deal though , truly if I like a woman (am into her) I really do not have a desire to go out on a Saturday night bar hopping with my buddies , I am not in my 20′s anymore. So you have to watch the actions, words are words and most of it is just “stuff”. The older we get the more complex it is, why?
More experiences, more heart break, more self history you bring into the relationship unless you have a good grip on yourself and know how to take care of yourself.
Well, best of luck.. dating takes energy, anyone who says they have no drama in their life is not telling you the truth, we all have our own drama in our head and we have to learn how to manage it and not put it on our partner, Easier said then done, alot of it is subconscious stuff.
jennyana 78
There are many reasons why people pull away and for no apparent reason. After my last relationship (two years ago, almost together for three years), I took the time to date and read information about dating. The best books I’ve read are Evan’s “Why he dissapeared” and Pat Allen’s “Getting to I do”. Know I try to put in practice what I’ve learned from them. Is dating easy? No, it isn’t. I really do wish I’ve known about the mirroring technique years ago, when I was in college. Could have spared myself a lot of heartbreaks. Hopefully it will help this time around.
Brenda 79
Yeah I think I scared the last guy off totally my fault.. Wasn’t even date just knew each-other for years online and became closer friends.
But I KNOW I got carried away with thoughts of sleeping with him, and having something more.. Hey he was the first “Available” guy that I can say I really (Liked) as a person.. I have been hurt by (Rejection yes ) But I did not even LIKE the past guys really.
I just wanted to be liked and treated NICE because I was being NICE.. But I wasn’t ME.
Had many years of NOT dating or anything and just felt DESTROYED by rejections and “Fake” engagements, But Yeah ( I knew it was not right.)
Now becasue of all the wrong ones I think I scared what could have been the right one. I for years cut off the best parts of myself because I think it takes the SAME to understand the SAME.. If your romantic and passionate and that part of you gets abused you start to HIDE.
But as we always hear we cannot change HIM.. I realized today that they cannot change me either.
So today I became (Complete) on my own and decided I’m going to be who I am and was meant to be.
I’m sad that he disappeared, But I found myself when he left so all is not lost, And if he comes back I will be a better person and less thinking of romance and more on just the friendship.
I would never reject him now just becasue my EGO got a little bruised.
( I like him enough as a person and that’s a first for me.) The ones I didn’t really like, I wouldn’t forgive because well they were all wrong for me anyhow.
jennyana 80
I agree with you Brenda. When we get hurt over and over again (either by rejection or that things didn’t work out), we tend to clam up. Sometimes I’ve felt that way, but I always try to think that each person is different from the last one.
After the last dissapearing act from someone, I started visiting this site and reading lots of books. Now I try to practice what I learned. Sometimes it’s difficult, specially the pursuing and waiting part, but it helps keep me in check. I have faith that there’s someone out there for me, I just haven’t found him yet.
Denise 81
Brenda, on one hand you’ve gone through some painful experiences; on the other, it sounds like you’re learning from those experiences-THAT is key. Good for you! I’ve been down your path and have learned so much. I guarantee you will have much better relationship success and will be much happier if you continue down your path of learning and growing.
What I would point out, however, is that an on line relationship is NOT a romantic relationship. On line dating causes so much projection, I even know that fully well and still get caught up in it. Is sounds to me like you had an imaginary relationship with this on line contact.
Humans are meant to court and establish romantic relationships in person, with human contact (as it’s been for millions and millions of years). That’s where you’re going to really be able to test what you’re learning and move forward on your growth path – by meeting and interacting with men in person. You can meet them on line, but the goal is to be in person with him as soon as possible, like after a couple of emails and maybe a phone call or two. Otherwise, it’s red flags.
KT 82
People do what they want to do. So, I think there are two reasons: A) A man pulls away because he doesn’t want to commit to YOU for one reason or another. B) A man pulls away because he doesn’t know if he wants to commit to anyone at this time, period.
Unless you pressured him and scared him away, neither A or B is right for you. Move on.
Gem 83
“Why do YOU think men pull away from women and committed relationships?”
First, the obvious….initially, men are attracted to a woman physically. If he doesn’t know anything about her that is a red-flag turn off, he starts dating her and is having fun, in pursuit, moving forward to find out more.
When men pull away from women and commitment it’s because:
A. He’s learned something about their two personalities that won’t work or he’s learned something about her personality that won’t work.
If that hasn’t happened and he’s open to a relationship at all (with anyone) then he may pull away because:
B. She’s moving too fast for him, i.e. She needs to verbally “define” the relationship sooner than he wants to and feels pressured. He may feel she has too many expectations, too soon, about him being her “boyfriend”, when he is still just interested in casually and freely still “getting-to-know” her.
I believe the creation of an “exclusive” relationship has to be instigated by the man. Until the man sits a woman down and says, ”I don’t want to date anyone else and I don’t want you to either,” then a woman should just keep being fun, and light, and expect that he’s dating others (don’t ask, just assume.)
Even if they’ve slept together, even if they spend every Saturday night together, even if he “acts” crazy about her.
So until HE makes it clear that he wants a relationship with her, she shouldn’t be calling or texting too often either, if at all, unless she’s returning his (evan’s Mirroring).
I heard that a woman falls in love in a man presence and a man falls in love out of woman’s presence. If a man feels like the woman is trying to “lock him down” sooner than he’s ready to, or starting to overwhelm him with calls, invites, and boyfriend-like expectations (thus, turning into the pursuer) it will kill his passion, not give him time to marinate out of her presence, and he may run from a woman whom he otherwise may not have.
Works for me, anyway……
Trisha 84
Gem, that was an excellent post – thanks
Bee 85
There are a lot of reasons, but the big one I haven’t seen mentioned much here is problems with intimacy. A lot of the time when a guy goes cold, people will say “Oh, he must not have been that into YOU”. Maybe sometimes that’s the case. But if you have been in an exclusive relationship with a guy for a couple months or more (you’ve gotten to know each other fairly well, he’s been coming on strong and you have been reciprocating) and then he suddenly goes cold, it’s usually because he’s intimacy-phobic. It probably has nothing to do with YOU personally. He’s just afraid of getting emotionally close and opening himself up to potential rejection/hurt.
I forget who it was, but someone above mentioned attachment. And it is true that as children we develop an attachment style based upon our relationship with our parents (how much affection they give us, how often they are around, how well they respond to our needs, etc.). And sadly, a lot of people develop insecure attachment styles that carry into adulthood making an intimate relationship with ANYONE almost impossible for them. Past bad relationships can make intimacy-phobia even worse for someone who already has this kind of problem with attachment.
Sue 86
I’ve generally found that both sexes pull back because they already had another person on their mind when the relationship started. A wise friend (who also happens to be a man who pulled a disappearing act on me) of mine said once said “Everyone has someone on their mind”.
If it’s not you, it’s someone else. They are just passing time.
elizabeth 87
I think that men pull away from woman and relationships because most woman worry too much about having a title. To me a commitment is something that cannot be forced. It should happen naturally and over time. If a man gives me his time I know he is into me so I have fun and enjoy the time we spend together and see where we fit into each others lives. I have learned that you can have a great time with someone when there is no pressure involved. We invest a lot of ourselves in relationships and when they end it is damaging and even life changing. Have fun and don’t worry so much about the status and I bet he will be the one asking for a commitment…
susieQ 88
Well i am at the stage when i have given up wondering why men do things we disapprove of lol. After 3 years of an ongoing, loving relationship with no pressure from myself to change the way it was, i found out by chance that after all the ‘i love you’s’ and the treating me as a princess he had someone else he had been ‘seeing’ as she put it when confronted, for over a year which completely stumped me because i saw no signs of there being anyone else he was spending time with. He was obviously an experienced cheater and i dont want someone in my life that acts like that. He did the disappearing act on me after 2.5 years for 10 days but came back all contrite and lovey dovey again, so i never suspected what was wrong. He said he got depressed in winter!! We are no longer together and apparently the OW has gone also, so just what has he gained by having cheated and destroyed our relationship. Incidentally i could have perhaps forgiven a one night occasion but 12 months is a p**s take in my opinion. It is now taking me a long time to trust any man again although i have had lots of dates since. I do miss him, does anyone think after 3 years he would miss me? He asked to stay friends but i cannot accept that, friends after being lovers is just not on.
Claudia 89
I think that when a guy disappears you should call him every day for two or three weeks straight and ask him why he disappeared (you’ll most likely be talking to his voice mail but who cares). Then either he’ll tell you (probably not), or you’ll be so sick of yourself you’ll get over it, or he’ll finally do something so disgusting that you’ll be turned off forever, knowing for sure he wasn’t the right man for you. In the meantime keep dating – in fact keep dating while you’re seeing a guy until you are sure he’s into you because he’s taking up so much of your time that you have no time to date others. This way you don’t get too emotionally involve with someone who might disappear. Also, I agree with Evan to sit back and do nothing, or mirror him. Whatever you do protect your emotions as much as possible because you really don’t know how things will go until it’s undeniable obvious, and it will be undeniable obvious if he’s truly into you and is showing it in all ways.
Also, if you have the opportunity to again see a man who disappeared from you, do so because he’ll never look as good and you’ll see him for who is really is. It’s truly liberating.
By the way, don’t tell any man who you are not sure of that you’re seeing other men. “Keep your mouth shut” (my old, straight Father told me that) and it’s the best advise I’ve ever gotten.
Karl R 90
Claudia, (#89)
Your post was delightfully sarcastic. If you ever post this again, I’d recommend going even further over-the-top to really drive the point home.
The first part of ¶1 (stalking the ex), ¶2 (going out of your way to see the ex again) and ¶3 (secretly dating other men) are all perfect the way they are. The part about the advice coming from your father was a nice touch.
The second part of ¶1 (where you said, “keep dating while you’re seeing a guy until you are sure he’s into you because he’s taking up so much of your time that you have no time to date others.”) should be followed by something like, “This will restrict your possibilities for serious relationships to men who have lots of spare time (i.e. men with no job and/or no hobbies.)”
The part about mirroring lacks follow-up. You could say, “I agree with Evan’s advice about mirroring, because ideally you should be dating a man who exhibits these behaviors: stalking and secretly having other girlfriends.”
The part about protecting your emotions as much as possible seemed a little muddled. You could just recommend that women protect their emotions by whatever means necessary, then point out that the simplest way is to avoid dating completely.
But overall, it was a funny post. Thanks for sharing.
jacinta 91
Yup, Evan, we need your help!!! Well, my thinking is if someone likes you, and they want something no matter what is happening in their lives. The guy I am seeing is going through alot of changes and difficulties with his family right now.. but in the end he still does alot of stuff with his friends and relatively doesnt see me that much (once a week). If he was crazy about me he wouldnt be out of touch for so long and my presence would be a support.
jacinta 92
Oh and Ruby your comment “they want to believe they are ready cause they like you and want to have sex” I think hits the nail on the head.
juniper 93
I understand the “enjoy the process” “dont have expectations” “give the man time/space” points. But then…that is exactly what i thought I was doing with the last guy I was dating…i was really into him but I did not really have an agenda, I was really enjoying dating him and spending time with him – he was the one who wanted to spend more time, he was the one who kept on inviting me to places – and then, he freaked out. He claimed that I had expectations, that I wanted him as his boyfriend and he wasnt ready, and he pulled back. I was pretty much surprised about his reaction, I did not know what to do and it threw me off. I really find this blog useful, but in my life it is as if everytime there is a new surprise (and I mess it up).
fashionista 94
@CHARLOTTE, the man that you just described, IS A COMMITMENT PHOBIC, as in ITS NOT YOU BUT HIM, he’s the sort of man who doesn’t have your average/regular fear that he can get over by himself but the kind of fear that is so intense that the only way he will ever get past it is if he sees a therapist for it because he has a real bad issue and will NEVER be able to settle down with any woman ever unless he gets therapy, really. I know because I dated one once and his behavior was so bizarre–his intense come-on and then his disappearance once I gave into his pursuit of me–that I had to find the reason why he behaved the way he had and I did, you should read the book “MEN WHO CAN’T LOVE”…Commitment phobia is a real disorder, that can only be treated with therapy; its not about finding the right person for the commitment phobic because even if they did they would still find SOMETHING thing wrong with that person so they would have an excuse to break-off the relationship…see once they convince the person they want, to commit to them, its like a switch goes on in their head and they start thinking…”oh, no what have I done…I’ll have to marry this person/be committed to them forever now, and now I’m trapped”…really, that’s they way commitment phobics think, they are not normal, they think irrationally like that. They feel trapped and suffocated by relationships even if they were the ones to ask for the commitment. They are not like you and me, they are emotionally/mentally sick, and there is nothing you could have done or said to have changed the situation…that man needs therapy. Oh and by the way, if he calls you and says, “I’m sorry, give me another chance,” don’t do it, because he will just do what he did to you before but quicker. Or if he says “lets be friends”, don’t, its his way of trying to get back into your life without freaking himself out…but he will just hurt you if you trust him again.
ELLEN 95
Man, I started reading a lot of this last night and it made me so anxious I had to go to bed (maybe because I’ve been dating a year and still no boyfriend!). And I’m 58! And I adore psychology!
Despite my age, I am rather fearless emotionally, have gone on lots of dates in the past two years since my separation with all sorts of men, all ages, and generally have fun, am fairly wise about how to conduct myself, mirror the man, let him lead, yada, yada, yada….but…
Bottom line: I’ve been hurt badly by men, women (friendships) my entire life. And the posters are right- it’s not the rejection so much, but the total disrespect of the disappearing act. You understand they are being cowardly, fearfull, but it still hurts….
It all comes down to love- some have it, some don’t, some barely. Those that have it give it to those (the loveless absorb it like a sponge eventually- love is that powerful) who don’t in life I’ve found. We are constantly teaching one another. Try to find that person who can love you at your level if possible. Even a 25 year old marriage will end (imo) if your love styles/ability to love are deeply at odds. & “attachment styles” in my research are KEY also, predict how you’ll react before/during/after a relationship. They begin in childhood apparently and are HARD to alter. It’s why men can’t leave their wives while having an affair: They may no longer LOVE their wives, but the attachment (often a “Mom” attachment) is so strong they simply can’t leave…..
I love Juju 22, Ruby 25, and Chai 45′s advice. These women could be dating coaches/shrinks probably! lol Their advice is spot, spot ON.
Here’s my eastern mysticism/Buddhist mantra: Love unconditionally as much as possible. I start every meaningful relationship with this goal anyway…..In the end it hurts less no matter what happens to you! But know that the worst karma out there IS “hurting another’s heart”, deeply hurting another’s heart. Stealing, lying? Petty, beneath you, but intentionally disappearing without an explanation, esp. after a long period of time, is horrendous karmically for all involved. People need closure (’cause the ego gets involved. The ego is involved in our very breathing often), people grieve/can’t forget for a LONG time, unfortunately many of them, and there is no greater pain for the individual than to be cut that deep.
A man like Karl who is very practical (which has its points undoubtedly), but limited perhaps in his ability to love, can’t understand someone who’s ability to love is greater, who’s ability to feel or feel empathically is so much greater. The bigger the heart, the more that is given often, the more that is given, the deeper the pain felt in the end.
Kylee 96
I might be reviving an old post here but I think timing is a major issue in forming relationships. Good men and good women want a true and loving relationship. Some people are very relationship oriented and that is their primary goal. Some people feel like they need to achieve certain goals before they can ‘settle down’. Some people feel that their goals need 100% commitment and so, even though they might meet a person they could commit to had they met them at the right time, they will step back because they know that can’t make the effort required to foster a relationship.
I’m currently in a situation where I’ve had to recognise that I’ve met a good man at the less than ideal time. His focus is on a long held goal that he is shortly about to attain. So I’m stepping back and taking the focus off him as I feel I can support him better as a friend at this point. Yes, I hurt emotionally but I don’t want to have to demonize someone for just being who they are and where they are at in their lives.
Tonya 97
I think it simply has to do with a guy who is unemotionally available but still wants a way to have sex. The hot pursuit and the backing off is pretty much this: Guys like the idea of being close intimately with women but because of whatever in their lives and head, do not want to expend the effort of being in a relationship. They crave intimacy and being vulnerable like everyone else, but are fearful of what this can bring – for whatever reason in their mind. A woman who has little boundries and doesn’t know how to read that the guy who is paying scads of attention to her is doing it as a ploy to get her attentions and into bed, will get sucked into this type of “relationship” in which she thinks there is a possiblity it can move into more, but the reality is the guy is feeding her just enough to make her think that while keeping it in the casual zone. If you’re busy accomidating his schedule, giving him ego strokes, being a booty call, and pretty much stalled in a stagnent situation with a guy – he’s just not that into you cause he’s more into himself and getting his needs met.
Fee 98
I think I’ve read this ENTIRE thread (a little time on my hands
)
I believe everyone in this room is right but what I would like to add is that there are many many other reasons why a man/woman will pull away from a rship. As much as I want to be neutral on this topic, I have to admit that men tend to do this far more often than women.
One of the most common aspects about rships in the 21st century is that people don’t want to take their time to get to know someone. Everything must be ‘perfect’. The slightest imperfection in our eyes, ‘we’ run for the hills. We forget that no one is perfect and we all have flaws and if you think that’s not the case, well…I hate to bust your bubble but this isn’t LaLa Land. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that you should date every person but what I am saying is to keep an open mind; you might be letting Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful pass you by. These things take time to decide.
Dating has become ‘easy’, with the vast choices of men and women on dating sites, speed dating, etc. The choices are endless and so with that said, ‘we’ believe the grass is always greener on the other side. But where do we stop?
I think most people focus on the negativity of the ‘rship’ instead of focusing on the positive sides of the time spent together or the qualities of a person. This is our world; quantity over quality. There are no values in anything we do anymore. I think it’s rather quite sad.
The last guy I dated tried to turn the script on me when I simply asked if we could see each other a little more than once a week. Within 24 hours, he managed to call me bipolar, damaged goods and that I’m a write-off. He patronized me, deflected the issue I spoke to him as I would a friend. I went to him in peace. Never put a label on what we had; didn’t have time to do so…I was enjoying getting to know him. After trying to reach him for 4-5 days, he said the reason I was a write-off is because I tried calling/texting him and he got a glimpse of what it would be like if we continued to date. SMH….Nice way to say ‘I don’t want to do this anymore’.
Beth 99
I have to agree with Fee. I think people (I’m sure both men and women) don’t offer much opportunity to get to know someone. One mistake, and it’s over without much focus on the positive attributes the person had.
Recently divorced, I dread being in this time of my life. I know I would be an amazing partner for someone, but I walk on eggshells when dating becuase I fear one mistake and I will be out the door. No one can live up to those standards.
I do think the same holds true for both men and women, but I think men have more unrealistic expectations than women do about the perfection of his potential partner.
Jen 100
Who says it has to be a man. I have found myself pulling away from the last handful of relationships and now after a full year of dating a wonderful man I have shut down. I just don’t want to spend time with him. Every time he asks to do something I make up an excuse. Nothing significant has happened with our relationship but I have had a lot of stress with moving and my job. Sometimes life is just easier solo. It doesn’t matter if you are a man or woman.
how to make a man want you 101
because men are simply unfaithful.
LLuna 102
Here is the reason why anyone pulls away, disappears or never calls back. They fear confrontation and telling the truth about how they really feel which will hurt someone and create an uncomfortable atmosphere. They want to avoid an argument. They want to avoid appearing to be a bad person. They are basically cowards. Why do people date each other for long periods of time until things get serious? Many do this because they are simply bored and have no one else to go out with. Yes, many men go out with the same woman a really long time just for the sex. It relieves so much tension but the tension really comes on if you have to marry her. You want a permanent relationship? Take your time, dont jump into bed so quickly and figure out all the nuances before you commit. After that, be willing to make changes for the betterment of your relationship and stop being so selfish. Signed: Just a good ole boy.
Kaba4 103
I have read through and appreciate the mens point of view, but as usual, their advise is when a man disappears, GET OVER IT!!!! How about this guys:
How about men get over this…. women will never ever ever understand or accept having someone act as if they are in love, then disappear. It will never, ever, ever, ever, ever be okay to a woman. We will never get over it. You can say that someone like me shouldn’t be dating. Well that’s a complete copout and frankly really angers me. It is never okay to take advantage of another human being. Why is it the woman who always has to change into a robot, instead of the men developing a set of balls?
I know, you are going to say that I have misunderstood you and that you don’t condone the disappearing act, but in essence when you tell us to get over it or we shouldn’t be dating, you are saying, this will never change. Well either will a woman’s dream of finding a good, romantic, strong and courageous man who can either commit or if not, look her in the eye and say. ”I am sorry, but, this is not going to work out for me”, before they get her into bed, wind and dine her, charm her and then throw her on the discard pile. How many women have to express the same thing with different words before someone starts a training program that teaches men to be real men instead of just trying to get women to accept their selfish, childish, coward-like behavior. I am just sick to death of this.
The bottom line is that most men want to have sex with out the obligation. They will do and say anything to get what they want. They cannot be bothered finding out what is really inside a womans’ heart. Remember, I said most, not all men..so don’t get up in arms. For sure I agree with good ole LLuna…the last thing a woman should do is sleep with a man, not the first, second or third thing. If you start with the orgasm, there is no where to do from there, you’re supposed to build up to it.
Nate G. 104
From my own experience: It’s simply because us men get our hopes up so high when we first start getting along well with our dream lady friends… only to get a vibe that she doesn’t feel the same. We try so hard for the women we love, and we’re lucky to get any kind of response from them – women 99% of the time are indifferent, and toy with our heads to make us beg and plead for them in the end (so it feels like anyway). It’s because they can, and that’s one of the pains we’re forced to deal with as men.
That’s when we give up. We lose confidence in ourselves to further pursue a woman who we feel is afraid to tell us what (we think) really is going on in her head… that she’s NOT interested, and that all of our efforts are no better than running uphill on ice carrying an anvil. To us, if she doesn’t respond positively to anything we try, we give up, and move on from them hopefully finding a better (more receptive) woman.
alterity 105
Hear hear, Kaba!
This player behavior, far more prevalent among men, is not only poor form, but is unethical as it deceptively leads the other person on. At the heart of the matter, these men want what they can’t have: they love the chase but then are disinterested in the kill, and by pretending to have feelings they don’t have or are highly likely to stop having once they achieve their goal of getting the woman they’ve targeted, they are being dishonest. All the romantic promises are simply promises they never meant to keep. They feel no shame for this, either, and they end up blaming the woman for being “too needy” and “too pushy” when they are finished with her. Truly sick and twisted.
John Dear 106
If you see this behavior as pervasive and consistent, maybe it’s time to stop thinking of it as a character flaw but instead as being somewhat fundamental to male biology. Personally, in relationships I’ve had, I wasn’t faking it when I acted romantic and close only for it to later slowly peter out — it was just the way I felt. On the same token, I recognize that a lot that may indeed have to do with the fact I’d “achieved the goal” of having sex, though I certainly didn’t consciously think about it that way, it’s just the way I felt. It may be a hard pill for a lot of people to swallow, but I think male and female approaches to relationships may be fundamentally different, and instead of trying to force square pegs into round holes, it might be time to reconsider the whole set of assumptions about the way romantic relationships are supposed to work, and what kind of social structures work best to provide the kind of emotional support we’re looking for. Read ‘The Female Man’ by Joanna Russ.
Mel 107
The guy I’m seeing now is so incredibly different from any other guy I’ve dated. He doesn’t act aloof and leave me guessing wtf is going on. In fact HE is the one that has asked if we’re on the same page in regards to where we’re headed (both agree we eventually want a relationship) and if I feel the same way about him! We both aren’t interested in being with anyone else and not because we think that’s what we ‘should do’ but because that is how we feel. And although we aren’t in a relationship yet he has communicated very clearly what he needs in order to be comfortable to make a full commitment to me. A lot of guys would never tell you what they need. They would just kinda expect you to get it and then take off if you didn’t. We aren’t all mind readers! So yeah there are cool dudes out there.
Ray 108
I’m not a religious person, but the best definition of ‘love’ I’ve ever seen is in a popular religious text (aka the Bible). If you are dating someone and they don’t have or aspire to at least some of these qualities, you will be challenged in the long run. Other religions have equally valuable descriptions.
The one line that is relevant to this post
“Love does not dishonor others”
What that means to me is that ‘love’ should never create regret, nor am I going to knowingly create part of someone else’s ‘regret’ story.
These days, dating is treated as sport… with the idea that the way we treat these supposed strangers or not-so-strangers somehow has no lasting consequence to ourselves or others. This way of thinking is the biggest reason I will never go back to dating online.
There are worse things than being ‘alone’… and that is having my spirit and soul polluted by thoughtless people. I prefer to date out in the real-world where people have more reason to behave honorably and I can check their ‘references’.
So, to answer the original question… why do men pull away from relationships? Because they can.
I agree with some of the other posters that it is pointless to wonder why. These men wouldn’t make good friends, much less good partners.
Christy 109
I must admit I fell victim to the disappearing act. The first date he came on strong, the attraction was intense. He told me he was looking for a relationship with a good real woman. The second date, intense intimate details about each others lives are exchanged. He tell me he hasn’t had a connection like this in years. We both doable our profiles on the dating site we met on. Third date I again state my wish to move slowly, get to know each other better before sex. He invites me into his house, I go, he comes on real strong, reassures me that we are good, I’m not gonna name a mistake by sleeping with him. So I caved. We agree we are dating after that. We see each other one more time. Fantastic time, very intense, he tells me how much he is attracted to me, what an awesome person I am, blah blah blah. I had to go on a cruise with friends that weekend, so I sent him a text when I left, telling him how I had thought of him that day, and I couldn’t way to see him, he sent back that he wold miss me. I get back, text him im back, he texts back how he missed me and he was gonna call me that night……..and that was it. All done.. Nothing else.. I waited three days for him to call. Sent a text asking what’s up..nothing…..sent an e mail asking him to let me know where he
stood with us…..nothing…so I sent one last e mail two days later said goodbye, told him that the way he treated me was wrong, and to please never treat another woman this way again, cause it’s just wrong, so very wrong.
This thread has helped me to understand that I may have to deal with this again, don’t succumb to intense sexual feelings, and try to not take it so personally. He’s a coward, and a coward is not someone I should be involved with in the first place.
bumblebee 110
Oh no, no, no.
Every relationship problem is caused by ONE thing: Sexism.
A human being, as a citizen of the united states, should be able to pursue, life, liberty, and happiness. Unfortunately, men are the only people who got this message. They break up with people left and right, cheat around, decide when they feel like getting married, move around, go out and blow you off, hit you, etc etc.
Women missed the message. The men were covering their ears.
Act like they do. Talk the talk. You have to communicate with people in their own language. YOU ARE AN AUTONOMOUS ENTITY. Pursue YOUR dreams, who cares about other people. Pursue YOUR career goals. Sure, date dudes, but when you get tired of them DO NOT expend more energy. Dump them just like they dump you. Text it to them just like they text it to you.
Are you tired from work and really don’t feel like dealing with your boyfriend all over you, even though you had plans? CANCEL. Go out with your friends and only answer or check you phone when you HAPPEN to pick it up.
You’ll never be happily married, or anything like that, but nobody is. Have you seen divorce rates?? People who end up happily married are a minority. And they are lucky. You could be too. But most likely you won’t be.
I think this is what women are missing, and men get PISSED when you act this way.
Because it is sexism. The whole attitude, is sexism.
Women you will be a LOT happier in your personal and dating lives if you just worry about yourself. Don’t be selfish…but only WORRY about yourself.
Men only worry about #1. And they are always their own #1.
Thats why he’ll blow you off for a million things or make a million excuses. Because really its just HIM thats the problem.
People can do anything they set their minds to, its amazing.
If he wanted to live with you, HE WOULD. If he wanted to see you every night HE WOULD. If he wanted to move in with you, HE WOULD. If he wanted to get married, no matter how hard the obstacles, HE WOULD.
Men will respect and hate you at the same time. Because they are born sexist and do not know how to handle you being an ACTUAL independent person. Not just independent to an extent. TOTALLY INDEPENDENT WITHOUT NEED OF ANYTHING FROM ANYBODY.
bumblebee 111
Guys will literally cry if you act like this, its the greatest thing.
It goes from him never respecting a god damn thing and taking hours to return phone calls, to:
“babbbbbe? uhmmmmmm what are you doing? i miss you. i’ll be over at 8 tonight”
but see, you must maintain, and reply with:
“i’m watching some tv right now. i’m going to be making some dinner and cleaning up later on then my friend is probably going to come over.”
“uhmmmmmmmmm soooo when can i see you?”
“i’m not sure, my show just came back from commercials, i’ll talk to you later”
and then all of a sudden offering to buy you fancy things, or suddenly for the first time remembering you favorite kind of treat and bringing it to you, or actually giving a flying shit about how upset you are over your friend being a jerk.
and all of this is funny. and then when he gets annoying, break up. when he calls you too much, break up. don’t be understanding. they never are.
bumblebee 112
Don’t let yourself be the victim. Don’t open your ribcage up and expose your heart.
What type of effective animal would do this? They’d all be dead and weeded out by natural selection.
Worry about yourself. Hook up with a guy and don’t feel bad about not calling them back. Date him for a year and then randomly end it when you just don’t feel like it anymore.
People treat people how they want to be treated. And with all the bullshit men do to women, they are just ASKING for it.
There aren’t nice guys. I literally do not care what anybody says. You can’t decide for yourself if you’re nice.
Nice would be someone sweet and caring who cares about other people and their feelings. Someone who is courteous and respectful, agreeable, and thoughtful. someone you can have a deep conversation with.
Men are only nice BEFORE you have sex with them. After they get what they want (biologically, emotionally, mentally, socially = sex), they abandon all consideration for you.
Women are the only people who keep relationships going after sex.
And men only do it before sex, but with ulterior motives, so it doesn’t count.
Evan Marc Katz 113
No triple posting, Bumblebee.
That’s not sexist; it’s just one of the rules of this blog.
Sayanta 114
Bumblebee-
I think that gets the award for most depressing posts(s) of the year.
Cher 115
I read Evan’s book about why men disappear and followed all the rules. I let him pursue, never making first contact, just responding when he did. I had never tried this before so was optimistic, the relationship began to blossom, we were very compatible and even waited over 2 months to have sex. Things were fine for about a month after that, then the fading act began. I still did not pursue, I also never “had the talk” feeling that things should just happen naturally. Over a period of a few more months, the dates were once a month and the calls once a week. This is still the case and quite honestly, I am just considering not answering the phone anymore. Wierd thing is, we haven’t even had sex on these once a month dates, they do feel like a date but thats not a part of it. It’s like we are going forward, we aren’t breaking up and we aren’t hooking up. Reading this blog has helped in that you have all said, sometimes there is not explanation, doing everything right might still not be right and thats just what is. I don’t think I’ll answer when he calls again, there really isn’t a point. But Evan has also taught me that every man is different and there is someone that will act like a boyfriend and be one, hope springs eternal.
Goldie 116
@Cher, IMO it’s time to move on. I read Why He Disappeared too, (after I did everything wrong, had a guy disappear on me, but not before I totally humiliated myself in front of him) and followed all the rules with two people that I’d met online at the same time. One kept flaking out on me, the other one kept following through, staying in touch and treating me well. Initially I had more chemistry with the flaky guy, but things came to a point where I realized I had to say good-bye to him and stick with the other one. Three months, so far so good, I’m having a great time and so, I hope, does he
BTW in response to my good-bye email, the flaky one told me “I like you, but don’t know you well enough yet to commit, and actually I’m not ready for a relationship right now” took a good-bye letter to get that information out of him!
IMO the goal of Why He Disappeared isn’t to get an unreliable guy to suddenly become reliable — he can’t — it is to protect yourself so the unreliable guy cannot do too much damage, as well as to avoid coming across as too needy and scaring the good ones off. Good luck!
peg 117
Thank you for sharing insights about the “disappearing act”… A man recently did that to me after a one year friendship/relationship.
I am certain he will return. And not sure how I wil respond. He’s having an identity crisis at the age of 54, I am 47. He has sold or given away everything and is trying to start a new life/ career. He is doing some traveling and I have no idea where he is at the moment. I offered to travel with him but I thInk he wants to struggle on his own and finds “too much comfort” with me. I swear he is like a petulant child who doesn’t have the ability to express his feelings or explain himself. I feel we have a deep emotional bond and Im finding it difficult to let go. But it has helped me to recognize that his behavior and leaving with no explanation is an act of disrespect, cowardice, unethical and unkind. I also realize it may have nothing to do with me. Even knowing this doesn’t take away or minimize the hurt. If you love something set it free…I will now move on, and I hope I have the courage to stand my ground when he returns.
Sometimes love is not enough.
Shana M 118
I am in the process of being a victim..I dated a guy back in 1996 we had a summer romance and it was lovely..We were in absolute love..than I had to go back to school and love came to a close. Within that year after going back to college he would come down to my school and we were physical often..than as time went on years past.I moved on and so did he. long story short he got married 2 kids than divorced. I myself had a child but never married. We hooked up by way of FB almost 2 years ago and that was it..almost 20 years later and we fell in love all over again. After 1 year of being reunited I was feeling uncomfortable with how much he would be at the house of the baby Mama,,,I love the fact he said he was with the kids…but late in the night. I voiced my concerns and he was upset. I felt so bad until he broke one of our visits and showed up after 11 and said he was visiting the kids. I got upset and really felt there was something a little bit extra going on with the ex-wife. He claimed all allegations were false but I begged the differ. But during our conversations about this more of his feelings came out about how relationships weren’t his thing..so i started feeling insecure..so I thought I’d get out before he really hurts me. but it backfired because he totally withdrew after that short breakup. he is not the same..no sweet text..he hardly calls me..when I see him its all love but away our communication is awful. We have a long distance relationship to where were 4 hours away. Those little things we used to do would sustain us between visits but now its drying up..I really do love him and miss him so much..at this point I don’t know what to do..I am so devastated and broken hearted..
Jennifer 119
They tend to freak when they start getting close to you and have to go to their safe place and regroup. They always come back.
Amy 120
I managed to read through the majority of these posts and have to agree highly that having a male vanish on you is extremely disrespectful.
I too, have just been through the same situation however we were “casually” seeing one another and when feelings were both admitted he told me it was over and it was an unhealthy situation. I spent a week of whinging and messaging him in hopes he would return when eventually i realised I was over the games and started dating someone else. Of course, he returned admitting how strong his feelings were however saying he wished we had waited before discussing them. I returned to him and had one night of perfection. He had told me that night we should talk about the things discussed in our text messages. I told him it was best to wait until he was sure about what he wanted to say.
Over the coming weeks his messages became less then I called for some closure and was told he needed some space and asked if that was not okay. I said yes however took to sending him a text message almost every single day for a month to either ask for my things back, to gain some closure or to just tell him i missed him. It’s now been over a month since I have heard a word and I can’t work out if I am at fault for having not respected his need for space or if “space” was just a polite way of bailing. I am aware that I need to move on (easier said than done) but I just cannot seem to get past the fact that I deserve a response, some honesty and above all closure.
Jem 121
Having recently been on the receiving end of a ‘disappearing guy’ act I can tell you it hurts. We were travel companions for a while – going into the city together on the train – and used to sit together and talk the whole journey long. Before Christmas he gave me his business card and said we should connect up via LinkedIn. I duly did when I got to my office and within minutes he emailed me with some jokey remark about not having enough to keep me busy in the office signing it off with his initial and a X (kiss). I was rather blown away as I really found him quite attractive physically and mentally but had no clue that he might like me in the same way. He then invited me to go for breakfast on one of the following mornings before work and we spent the whole time at the restaurant talking and laughing about stuff. When we left he kissed me and it turned into a full on ‘snog’ which is really teenager-ish for someone my age (50) but so nice! There then followed a number of get togethers at his apartment and I was keen for him to know it was a relaxed relationship (FWB type approach) which he said he needed as he was still married (10mths separated and very messy situation). it seemed the perfect set up – great physicality, great personality, great laughs and he was always on the text or email. He suggested we have a break together with hotel and theatre. He also invited me to his for dinner so it was not just wham bam thank you mam. After that dinner date, the contact almost dried up. I was very confused but cut him slack as I know his job and his wife/kids were all sources of stress and it was not my place to hassle him on top of all that. I had a birthday in between the dinner date and the weekend away and not a single word to wish me a happy birthday. I was really hurt but tried to just maintain a dignity and not be clingy on a text/email! When I hadn’t heard the week before our supposed weekend away, I text him and asked if it was still on. He said yes and apologised for being so quiet but that he had been very stressed with work/the family situation.
We then had our weekend away in a fine hotel with a great evening show and drinks/dinner. We talked and laughed the whole time just like we had been before and it was just great. The journey home was going OK till I mentioned his new apartment that he was moving to at the end of the month. I said, I don’t expect I will see you before you move to your new place. He then announced he would not be able to say when he could seem me as he had ‘so much going on’. It was a total slap in the face after the weekend we had just had. The conversation was a little ‘strained’ after that but as I had to give him a lift home I just shrugged it off and hoped I was misreading the signs.
A month on and apart from one email in response to one I sent (I finally cracked after days of silence)there is nothing. Not a single text, email, anything.
I went up to town this week and there he was on the train. We sat together and chatted as we used to but I felt I was walking on eggshells and really wanted to ask why he felt it was OK to have treated me like my feelings didn’t matter. Of course I didn’t. I just chatted like nothing had ever taken place between us at all.
He gave me a kiss on the cheek at the station and we went our separate ways.
Now – if any man out there can tell me that he was not just looking for someone to have sex with over the Christmas / New Year break because he was on his own and feeling sorry for himself, I will call you a liar! I believe I went into the relationship thinking it was a growing one and clearly I was totally wrong.
I am left hurt and confused and unable to articulate to him how I feel as there is now no contact other than if we bump into each other whilst commuting. It may feel perfectly OK for him, but I am the one feeling like he just did the squatting dog on my feelings!
Michelle 122
Huh?
“There then followed a number of get togethers at his apartment and I was keen for him to know it was a relaxed relationship (FWB type approach) which he said he needed as he was still married (10mths separated and very messy situation).”
“I believe I went into the relationship thinking it was a growing one and clearly I was totally wrong. ”
Amy 123
@ Jem
“I am left hurt and confused and unable to articulate to him how I feel as there is now no contact other than if we bump into each other whilst commuting. It may feel perfectly OK for him, but I am the one feeling like he just did the squatting dog on my feelings!” rung so true with me. It’s horrible when you know that for them they have the ‘power’ and therefore don’t seem to care. Whilst on the other hand we are so desperate for just some type of contact.
As a follow up to my no contact, my book which he still had showed up in my letterbox yesterday. No follow up text message to say it was there either, just silence. I have not responded to say thank-you which feels quite nice as he would be expecting it. Men just need to stop being such cowards and use their words!
Jem 124
@Michelle he said he wanted relaxed relationship, and I was totally ok with that as he made all the noises / gave all the signs that although we were relaxed and not expecting to see each other all the time he wanted to spend time with me and actually enjoyed my company beyond the sex. He suggested dinner at his, he suggested a weekend away with the theatre. That’s why I thought it would be a growing relationship – not marriage or living together obviously given his situation - but One that was easy, relaxed and mutually beneficial. But the absolute withdrawal and silence does not say “relaxed” it says “dumped” but without him having the cajones to actually say the words. What frustrates and upsets is he possibly felt this way before our weekend in town but still went ahead with it then told me afterwards he was going to be too busy for me. I have no objection to irregular contact, but what I cannot take is the total absence of ANY contact given his persistence and pursual
Jem 125
@Michelle he said he wanted relaxed relationship, and I was totally ok with that as he made all the noises / gave all the signs that although we were relaxed and not expecting to see each other all the time he wanted to spend time with me and actually enjoyed my company beyond the sex. He suggested dinner at his, he suggested a weekend away with the theatre. That’s why I thought it would be a growing relationship – not marriage or living together obviously given his situation - but One that was easy, relaxed and mutually beneficial. But the absolute withdrawal and silence does not say “relaxed” it says “dumped” but without him having the cajones to actually say the words. What frustrates and upsets is he possibly felt this way before our weekend in town but still went ahead with it then told me afterwards he was going to be too busy for me. I have no objection to irregular contact, but what I cannot take is the total absence of ANY contact given his persistence and pursual at the start. Perhaps he is just a user getting as much action post-rubbish marriage and I happened toacross his path. Time for me to move on and not think its me who is defective and lacking in the value of honesty.
Michelle 126
This can be really confusing with men. That’s why, in my opinion, it’s crucial for a woman know exactly what she wants, to clearly communicate it, which can be very difficult at the beginning of a relationship. We think we’re okay with casual, he relaxes, then we get caught up on oxytocin and emotion, and bond. Bang, too late. That’s why I’m saying to be very clear on what you want and communicate that VERY CLEARLY. A good man will walk away early if he knows he can’t deliver what you want.
Yes, it is crappy that men just walk away and don’t have what we would consider courage to be frank and honest with us. For the most part, it’s just the way they are. They don’t want to deal with women’s emotions, so they opt not to. Another thing is men are not women–they don’t think like women, they don’t talk like women, they don’t interact like women. We as women cannot change any of this, all we can do is do our best to understand and accept it, and more importantly, recognize we only have control over ourselves.
This stuff is painful, but part of the life’s learning experiences.
laura 127
they are afraid to commit and if things get serious they will just leave since to them it is the best answer and the only thing to do.
Katarina 128
The same reason women pull away from men. The people who come on too strong too soon would freak anyone out. We don’t always know what we want. We may think we want someone early on but then we get to know them we can see that we don’t actually click.
I am a woman and I INSTANTLY freak out when I feel pressured in anyway when I am not ready. My feelings go like that!
Bubbles12 129
I have recently found that men pull away when they think you are not totally into them straight away. I am a very attractive woman. Some say, beautiful. There are a lot of men ‘after me’ at any given time. They are not, really, after me. They are on an ego trip, but regardless. They just pursue me for the heck of it, but it is confusing and painful at times. I really think sometimes that a guy visualises having to fight off too many men and they get scared of that. OR you have to come on SO strong for them to GET that you like them. At the risk of seeming needy. I’m not needy. After one or two dates, how am I to know I actually like them or want a relationship? I don’t know so I don’t promise. I bide my time but they don’t want that. Sheesh….give me some time, will you!
vee 130
i figured from experience, men when it comes to dating, usually they use their feeling after the first time sex with the women they go out with if they would want to pursue a potential relationship with her or not. It maybe the quality of the sex but most of the time i think it’s the inside feeling of a man kinda like intuition.
Anonymous 131
I suggest the women to read “Why men marry bitches”
The book says men don’t like to be pushed into commitment. This includes women announcing that they want a serious relationship or asking “Where is thing going?’
Men naturally pull away when they’re faced with these questions. They want to feel as if they’ve had a part in making a decision. Let’s face it. You can’t decide that you want to commit to someone within the first few weeks or even months! I’ve had the most success by simply not asking of these questions when dating. I show up on dates, and let the man initiate exclusivity. It has worked. The beginning stages are all about just having fun and getting to know each other.
I also don’t have sex right away, which helps the man fall in love with me over time.
hespeler 132
Bubbles 129
How do you know that EVERY man who is after you is on an ego trip? Surely if there are a lot of men after you at any given time, the law of averages says at least one of them will be genuine.
You seem to be suffering the curse of the beautiful girl in that you have too much choice which actually serves to weigh you down.
Also, put yourself in the guy’s shoes. If you come across as aloof (which it sounds like you might) then some, not all men will just back off rather than risk getting their hopes up and being disappointed.
This is why I think women, especially highly attractive ones wind up with the edgy, volatile guys. These guys seem to be able to stand out from the pack because let’s face it, nice and normal is boring at the initial dating phase when trying to create chemistry.
enlightened 133
I think it’s a combination of timing, not being ready ,being scared and sometimes not being interested but being to cowardly to say it. They may really like the person but they think it’s unfair to string them along until they are. Men can freak out and withdraw when they realise there is someone else in the picture. I have had this happen to me recently as combination of factors in his life not being right and him not being ready. As woman you need to draw the line and walk away yes he may have something going on his life which maybe stopping him or just his own feelings but it’s not worth over analysing it. Like Evan said believe the negatives ignore the positives. He may have had good intensions but when faced with the question “Am I ready” he knew he wasn’t so he let her go so like Evan said she can find someone available. He may come back ready to man up or he may not you have to draw the line and life your life instead of wondering why cause if he really wants you he will do anything to get you back…sometimes it a chase of them finally growing up and realising that they can’t have it all and really wanting that certain girl back so I have heard. So life your life, if he pulls back, freaks out about it for whatever reason say you will be here as friend whenever his ready to talk this doesn’t mean wait do the exact opposite live your life cause it’s not your loss it’s his the longer he takes the time to figure out what he wants the easier it becomes for you to find someone else. If he doesn’t come back at least you know you gave him a shot and he blew it NEXT but if he does don’t make it easy for him but apparently when he does come he is more committed. This way you knew you gave him a chance and the ball is in his court and he doesn’t want to throw it back you have your closure. During this time do not contact him let him contact you…if he doesn’t want to lose you he will do whatever it takes because people don’t know what they got until its gone and I have experienced this myself guys who I ended things like years ago coming back and vice versa..but it’s better not to pin your hopes on it and move on and if they do see how you feel about it at the time but just BECAREFUL.
Elron 134
You girls ever seen Bridges of Madison Country?
We all feel like you’re gonna pull a Francesca on us the second we go Robert Kincaid on you.
Donna 135
I am amazed at how many women think that a man has pulled away because of the woman’s doing. As if the men can do no wrong in the beginnings of a relationship? Puhleese! Come on, women! Get a clue! If men are pulling away from you it’s not because of you but THEM! They are not worth your time. Be thankful that Life saved your ass from being with the wrong person. It’s only making room for the right one to come along.
Ellen 136
Donna is RIGHT. Many times the woman has done nothing wrong per se.
Carol Allen, vedic astrologer has a nifty saying for these situations: Rejection is God’s protection. Think about it.
Summer 137
I think men pull away from a relationship is because they are afraid to fall in love with anyone. they are scared that, that person will hurt their heart and once his heart is broken its hard for them to come back into the dating thing…
chris 138
Many people want intimacy but lack the skills or maturity to have a healthy relationship. Intimacy involves sharing your life and doing shared activities. Men and women pull away when their intimacy level or preferences do not match the partner’s. If someone likes you and wants to share their life with you they continue seeing you. Maybe it is sometimes good that you are not told why a person pulled away unless you are strong enough to face the truth that they found you unattractive, boring in bed, disliked your children’s behaviour, found you weird or intellectually challenged, disliked fat women, disliked women who drank or smoke or ate with their mouths open… Pulling away can actually be a kinder gesture than hitting you with their blatant honesty or trying to chip away at your denial. Maybe they’re scared of your reaction if you are verbally abusive or volatile. When a relationship dissolves both people want to cast blame on the other partner for what went wrong. Maybe it was just timing, but do try to be honest about yourself and reflect on whether something you did may have caused the other person to retreat. Were you rude to the waitress, aggressive, moody, demanding, precious, embarrassing, rough, uncouth?? Be a bit introspective instead of readily blaming them for doing a Houdini. Improve your habits, skills, appearance and behaviour to attract an equally rounded partner.
dave 139
Its a very very simple answer: SEX
Women share their bodies with us without commitment. Feminism actually encourages women to “have sex like a man”…I never understood how that could be empowering. By blessing desirable men with cheap easy access to sex it completely changed the dynamic between men and women. The thing that puzzles me about feminism is that it fails to acknowledge even the slightest differences between mena nd women. So, women are taught to believe that men think like women. Its really weird. So now me still have their careers, hobbies, etc…only difference these days is we get to sleep with multiple women that put out and then settle down with young a family orientated women when we are ready. I’ll never understand this aspect offeminism and how its empowering to women
dave 140
Michelle….good points. Exactly! Men do not think like women. Women genrally don’t care about a mans sexual history and actuallly seem to be intrigued by a man that has conquered many women. Its the opposite for men. Its hard to feel like a man when a women has given her body to dozens of men before him. its posinous, and we try not to develop feelings for women like that. So, if you sleep with a guy after a couple dates….well…your just another notch and its boosts out confiidence and women loooooove “confidence”. Not confidence in the courtroom or the boardroom or the emergency room….NO…women want “confidence”" i.e. He’s charmed so many women into bed he has the confidence to charm me too….
Marie 141
The reason why some men can’t or won’t commit is because they get bored or scared of the word commitment. Some men have a high level of testosterone making them have raging hormones and a high sex drive. It could be the reason why youll see them coming on strong and quickly start pulling away because of boredom. I think men with high levels of testosterone are always looking for adventure. I guess if you want a man to stick around look for men who look less masculine. There are some decent respectful men out there and there probably not hanging out at bars. When you go into a relationship looking for more then just casual dating youll end up hurt unless you’ve met someone who wants the same. The temptation we see everywhere we go can make it difficult for some men and it doesn’t help when they have friends who cheat. Some women dont have the same sex drive men do but they can also be to blame when it’s so easy for men to have sex with woman who are willing and able. Whether its low self esteem or loneliness women fall victim and become easy prey. That’s why woman shouldn’t focus so much on there relationships. If a man did not have a positive role model as a child then there attachment to others will reflect that. That’s why we need to focus on ourselves first. Get a hobby, hang out with friends. Find happiness with yourself first and everything will fall into place.
Karina 142
Well, I think Dave two comments above is absolutely spot on. Men really do have it easy these days, because women were fooled into thinking casual sex is good for them. I would not blame feminism though, I would blame the media – the big (MALE!) media bosses who figured selling sex is quick and easy. We, as women, should really stop trying to understand or even embrace this culture but stand up against it and speak up. The ability to withdraw emotions from sex is being portrayed as a strength, hence many women go round saying sleeping around is fun. The better strength to promote would be the strength of our opinion, our confidence in the fact that we are not inherently week or damaged just because we more into mind rather than physical aspect of relationships. We should feel empowered to stand up and say it. Collectively, as a whole gender. I, as an individual, do not sleep with men I fancy immediately but it doesn’t solve the problem. They just quit as they can get sex easier somewhere else, so why would they put in the effort? I’m personally not offended much by this behaviour, as I don’t see these people as worthy of my (or in fact anyone’s) time but it does annoy me that they get their way. Honestly, we should stop feeling like victims and just say how our feelings are actually more mature and also perfectly valid. Having said that, men should also mature up a bit and stop expecting women to play games with them. If I really feel a physical desire towards someone why should I make him wait? Are all men kids that constantly want to play treasure hunt? Therefore I think the fault is on both sides. Women should be confident in being different (and in fact more human – animals go by solely on their physical needs!) and men should grow up and stop only seeing women as board games/treasure hunt/ sex objects. We are all human.
BARB 143
After reading through this entire thread (yeah, time on my hands, after a disappearing act) and reading “Why He Disappeared” I come away with one thought. Dating, Relationships and Human Nature is ambiquous. Seems, Damned if you do, Damned if you don’t. This applies to both genders.
pachelbel 144
Men disappear because they are men.
Forget about them. Get a parrot and devote to it the attention and care you devote to a man. You’ll find a better companion than any man–easier to housebreak, more dedicated to your contentment, and largely more intelligent.
But don’t do that if you’re still secretly in your heart trolling for a man. If you fool yourself into finding a “perfect” man, or just a 5 out of 10 you’ll put up with in order not to be lonely, you’ll break the parrot’s heart. Parrots are far more loyal, intelligent, sensitive, and loving than men.
Brooke 145
Men and women, it’s like oil and water, they don’t mix. Why should women have to play games and not give into their own sexual desires? Honestly I feel so much better getting sex out of the way especially when its really great. The big difference although we try very hard to fight it is that sex and emotion go hand in hand for us, not for men. Anyway, my little story goes met a guy slept with him, major sexual attraction to each other, he tells me second time we get together he wants to be honest cause he really likes me and wants to continue seeing me, that he has a women roomate whom is strictly platonic, found her on Craig’s list only to share living expenses. I honestly didn’t know how to react. All I could say was okay. He continued texting and calling regularly, being very sweet and verbal being very reassuring and telling me he misses me, but once 6 p.m. comes around he disappears. His actions do not coincide with his words. Met him about a month ago and not seeing him more than once a week though communiate every day. In my heart I know something isn’t right, has to be in a long term relationship. Men stink. The only defense mechanisim we can learn is to harden our hearts and act as they do. We can’t beat em so join em. It’s a never-ending game. It’s human nature to keep fighting but after every loss, it takes a little more out of you.
Evan Marc Katz 146
Men don’t stink, Brooke. Your man stinks. If you break up with him, you won’t be around his stink. Find a man who doesn’t stink and you can be happy. There are millions of couples who don’t think than men and women are like oil and water. Become one of those.
Holly 147
I’ve disconnected myself from men for a long time due to the fact I can never figure out the lies in the beginning, and then I end up feeling worse about myself. Met someone. Guard up. And it was like he was calling me, texting me…all the time. I would text, Busy? and I would get, Not to busy to talk to you. Men show they are interested by doing things that are not so convenient for them. So I thought I would give it another shot because this guy seemed different. It was an onslaught of attention. My guard would go down until I felt “comfortable.”
This is what he would say:
“We are lucky to have found each other.”
“Wouldn’t it be great if we could just be in each other’s arms for days and just get to know each other?”
“I own my own company, so money and my schedule is no problem. I can make my schedule any way I want it so whenever you want to get together.”
“You like to gamble? I can come up there and we can gamble together and get a room there…it would be fun.”
And the list goes on……….
So after 3 weeks of that, I began to believe it. Why wouldn’t I? and then within a week, it was weird. And here is the events the led up to it: Tuesday: He text me, something provocative. Okay. I responded. Then nothing. So I said, “nothing?” He text back, “I’m just really busy, but just wanted to tell you I was thinking about you.” Sweet, right?
Wednesday: I text randomly at like 7pm. And I get some remark that he is busy. I text back, Sorry, okay.
Thursday: Haven’t heard from him at all, so I just text once. He responded. and only like 4 texts and he said he was going to bed…..okay.
So between Monday-Thursday, total of 6 texts?
Friday morning: I get from him, “so what do you want me to do to you when I see you next week?” I respond, “what to you want to do?” He said,”I guess we have dinner and then play it by ear.” I’m sitting there baffled. So I said, “play be ear?” And nothing. So an hour later, I text “no response?” and I get “Call me.”
That conversation was so degrading, I cannot even tell you. I get, “I am attracted to you, I like you, but don’t push me away. I don’t want a relationship, but if you want to get together once a month, okay.” I am basically speechless. Felt like I was punched in the stomach. This is what I get for guard down.
So we do end up meeting up….not without his comment, “maybe that will work” when 2 weeks before that it was like I gave him an early birthday present when we set this up. The closer that day came, it was, “can’t wait to see you.”, “looking forward to seeing you,”…..on my drive down, “are you here yet?” “be careful”, etc. Baffled. Honestly.
So we met up. And it was good. Have to say. And his daughter text him that his granddaughter was sick, her husband not home, and if he could come watch the 2 year old while she took the baby to the doctor. This is what he said. Asked me if it was okay to go (we were going to go out to dinner). Of course, I will be fine. He basically handed me $25 to pay for my dinner, “because he really wanted to take me to dinner.” A couple of days later, I got to thinking, that maybe he lied about the whole granddaughter thing? Because the communication has been little since that day. And based on his reaction and mine that day, it was pretty good. But again, we are back to nothing. Again, guard down and I completely fee stupid.
Thing was, not completely looking for a relationship either, but something more than this. And he was good at getting my guard down, only to humiliate me basically? I don’t get it. I know why now I keep up my guard. He was so adamant about the things he said in the beginning and so believable, that I thought he was different. Nope.
When I become only when it’s convenient for him, then I know I’ve been taken. In the beginning it was incredible because there was attention even when not so convenient. And now, it’s only when convenient for him. And I can’t be myself because now I don’t know what to say, how to say it, and when to say it.
I thought I would put out there one more time, about coming to his neck of the woods the next couple of weeks…….if he had time, we could get together. Based on the reaction of being together, I expected, a little more excitement then what I got, “Will let you know.”……..so my response was, “Ok
If you can’t or something, it’s okay, I understand. Just thought I would let you know. Hope you have a good day. 
” I got, “ok”.
Got it. Although if I say nothing else, in a couple of days, I suspect I will get a, “Hey you…..” and maybe some flirtatious texts…..feels awful. Honestly.
Holly 148
Just wanted to say. Yep, I was right. But always his terms. Never mine. Do not understand.
Rochelle 149
I think it’s because 1. men are driven by their desire to have sex (even the ones who end up being our boyfriends) so they seem to come on strong with both their words and actions (mainly their words) often in the beginning and it’s the emotional connection that keeps that going and hooked. If he isn’t feeling that connection after a certain time, he begins to pull away 2. Most men are into the chase..like feeling they are more interested in us than we are in them and wondering if they can get us. Sometimes a woman start to come off too much more interested in him than he is and it pushes them away…sometimes I feel like they just sense it somehow. It seems like everytime a guy pulled away that it was right at the time when I was starting to feel more strongly and began doing things that made it seem like I was “chasing” him.
Holly 150
That makes sense Rochelle. And maybe that is why he didn’t want to go to dinner with me? The more I thought about that excuse with his daughter and granddaughter being sick and she wanted him to meet her at the emergency room, I just can’t imagine that even being true. Because if I wanted my dad to meet me at an emergency room, I wouldn’t text, I would call. That is too important to send in a text…she definitely would have called.
I’m thinking about sending him a money order for $25.00. I think that would put an end to it, which it should be. Just got a text two days ago, that he needs me (physically), and texts were exchanged. I sent the last text. We had talked about meeting the next day but he had a work meeting. I was like “ok”……And then about 6 hours later, I get a text, “Tomorrow definitely won’t work…we will meet up soon, and I am unavailable for communication tomorrow.” Um, I already knew tomorrow wouldn’t work and it was weird he basically banned me from even a text—so if I sent a quick text that day, I mean, it takes 30 sec to read?
It’s hard to acknowledge some one is using you and they really have no interest in you personally. I have a hard time acknowledging that because it feels so horrible.
LR 151
I have read many comments and here is my confusion… I had a guy just bail… shut down and shut me out, stopped talking to me when we used to talk all the time. We were friends for many years before we ventured into something more. And when we did, he was the one driving the relationship, and I was telling him we need to go slow. He told me that one of us had to be the “adult” and was glad it was me. He was the one to tell me he was in love with me, that he knew I loved him (I had not said it first and it took me awhile to confirm my feelings) and told me a few times that he had never had the kind of intimacy with anyone else that he had with me. How can someone confess that I fulfilled a void no one else had, and then just run away?
Shortly after things started with us I had some life events that I had no control over, at first he was supportive.. and a couple of weeks before bailing, he told me he did not want to give up on us. Since, not a word of explanation and I had asked him several times if we could talk so I could understand what was going on and put things into perspective. I told him that I was a pragmatic person, I just wanted to understand “why”. He was not willing to do that, then eventually dumped me by e-mail and I have been completely shut out without any explanation.
I have read the description for your book “Why He Disappeared” and how you claim to help women… but from the bit I read and the comments / reviews of your book, it seems to come across as making excuses for men and that women have to play a game of sorts in order to get them. Maybe I am wrong about that… in any case, I don’t see you addressing this anywhere: What about just teaching men to be honest and to not be cowards? Especially for women who have stressed honesty like myself. Especially if we had honesty during our friendship…. why should that have changed?
I am curious about your book, but have no interest in the audio files (severely hearing impaired), so I am uncertain about purchasing it to give it more evaluation…. and I am curious about your coaching as well, but still undecided about that.
In any case, my little bit of input. Obviously there is more to my story and that added to the hurt and confusion.
Evan Marc Katz 152
@LR – Respectfully, since you haven’t actually read Why He Disappeared, it would be really hard for you to judge the contents of it. I can assure you that it’s not about making excuses or playing games. I can also assure you that as a dating coach for women, my job isn’t to teach men. Just like a math teacher’s job is not to teach history. If I were you, I’d buy the book, take notes, read it up until the last page, and come back here to report. There’s a money back guarantee.
Rochelle 153
@Holly 150, maybe there really was something going on with his granddaughter. But either way, I think what I said re: why men pull away may have played a role in the other areas of your situation. However, I wouldn’t take it as he had an agenda to intentionally hurt you. I read “Why He Disappeared”, and also “Have the Relationship You Want” by Rori Raye. Both helped me understand the whole male/female dynamics of dating and relationships so much. After that I felt like “oh I was doing a lot backwards and overfunctioning; that’s why everything always seemed so difficult with men”. Understanding how to date more effectively made me feel less like I’m walking on eggshells with men and enjoy dating. You may want to give these books a try too.
PS: If I were you, I would keep his $25.00; it was his decision to give it to you for dinner. I also would not contact him unless he contacts you. And if he does yet you no longer wish to hear from him, tell him so. My 2 cents
Karl R 154
LR asked: (#151)
“What about just teaching men to be honest and to not be cowards?”
You seem to be under the impression that if Evan starts teaching men these lessons, your dating experience will improve. It doesn’t work out that way.
As a man, I have gained no benefit from anything a woman has learned from Evan. None of my dates had read his books, read his blog, read his articles or used his dating coaching services. None of my girlfriends had. My fiancée hasn’t. I’ve successfully found a fiancée without ever dating someone else who learned anything from Evan.
Evan has been teaching thousands (tens of thousands?) of women, but they’re not part of my dating pool.
If Evan starts teaching men to be honest (and not cowardly), you will see no change in the men you’re dating. Those men will be so thinly spread throughout the population that you are unlikely to encounter any of them.
I benefited from Evan’s advice because I read what he said to women, figured out how it applied to men, and then personally applied it to my dating life.
If your dating strategy hinges on someone else becoming better at dating/relationships, it’s going to fail. Fortunately, you can make dating work just by changing yourself.
Dee 155
1-) The legal system is biased towards females.
2-) The legal system is biased towards females.
3-) The injustice system of the U.S. is biased towards females.
Nora 156
What it seems like is they just want the comforts/benefits of marriage, without the responsibilities & investments in a nutshell. If they can’t continue having someone on call when they want it available, they go somewhere else.
john 157
Nora #156
“If they can’t continue having someone on call when they want it available, they go somewhere else.”
And the MARRIED people who can’t get it from their spouse when they want it…. what should they do?
And when a man pulls away from a relationship, what does the girl do? Frequently, tries harder – which usually means more sex, and more ‘special’ sex. Additionally, a women that sees another woman in the picture, will also try harder. Yes, the man is smart like a fox!
Lolo 158
IMO I think it’s because something reminds him of his past relationship(s) that he hated. He feels like he’s walking the same path, different package. I’ve known many men and when they pull back I can hear them saying in their heads “Not this again”. I’ve heard it from lovers myself and yes I’ve lost out as a reproduction of his past. The past that he promised himself he will never revisit again, ever! It does seem so unfair and that is why it is important to inquire about their past relationships and if they have any ill feels they are dealing with. Sure there will be carry on luggage in our lives, but coping is one thing, dealing with it is another, healing it being the main objective. I’m dating a man now with zero pain from his past relationship, I will never hear him say to me “you’re just like her” It’s refreshing when a man comes with a clean heart. On the other hand I’ve had a sad, mad man who was ill prepared for any disagreements I had with him because I was “THE EX” god forbid, he never really knew me at all. Then there is the PUSH, women who get the “Don’t push me” are dealing with someone who is terrified of their emotions and their past, whether it’s anger or grief or both. This is a volatile man, please don’t take him personally, do take him seriously, he’s in mental pain. But it is not something you can or have to try to fix, he needs time and professional help. He will also most guaranteed break your heart in indecision, but that is your choice again and we must all be responsible for our choices. If you recognize it keep your cards close to your chest. It’s likely going to take off only to crash land. It’s difficult for women to understand a man in pain because they don’t show it and women rarely think of a man with heartbreak or mental issues because we’re so use to them hiding it or we expect them not to have any issues because we’ve coined them as “self righteous, narcissistic bastards.” So unfair, they are someone’s sons after all. However, don’t play mother to a man who is pulling away from your threatening push. Your push could be as simple as an extra hour with him. It’s not us so much ladies as a man who is still stunned in grief and regret and numb to what’s infront of his eyes. Be understanding but do not become delusional, he is not yours and that is ok, you do not want him in this state. Also remember a man who is in pain or down on himself or in therapy or missing an ex will always and I say ALWAYS ! leave any women who has seen him in this state. Find a man who likes his life, himself and is content, this is the man who will be there for you. This is the man who sees exactly what’s infront of his face, he has dealt with his past, he lives in the now and he sees a future, this is the man all woman healthy women want. A clean heart a clean shirt and a fresh outlook. Long live the contented man, we love them, we need them and yes they are everywhere. Best wishes to you women and also to those men living in the past best of luck to you also, may you find sanctuary and peace.
Laura
Deme 159
It’s about the chase, men are hunters period. ANything to “get” you then game over. Too much work for emotions and blah blah. Most men that want relationships and commitment/marriage go straight for it are unwavering. Most men especially in my age range over 44 like to just have convience and fun and are not looking for an actual monogomous relationship they pull back because they want “options” loss of their freedom is NOT an option. Sexual variety and the constant need to validation and the “chase” is what drives men also, having an “easy” relationship with someone who doesnt rock the boat ask too much allows him his space works around his issues and life is best cause then your easier to have his cake and eat it too. In my opinion there are great wnderful men who ARE looking for relationships, I believe as an older woman that amount significantly decreases and either way the total amount of relationship men available are VERY VERY few relative to the amount of women, its like a lottery. you are lucky if you can find a good one.
RANA 160
hello
i believe a woman shall show a man from the beginning that she is not a plaything, that she has standards, and she commands respect, she must not be hesitant to ask him what are his short term plans after a month or two of dating, so she can know if he a keeper or not.
char 161
Thrill of the chase. Once they know you want them, they’re off to play a new game.
Stella 162
Who knows why any particular man pulls away or disappears. I don’t think there is one stock answer. There are as many reasons for why they do so as there are men who do it. The one consistent trait is that they are cowards.
I dated a man, who came on strong at first. I did all of the mirroring techniques that Evan suggests in his book. The fact that we lived 30 minutes away from each other made it easier for me to not be available to him. Both of us have children. I have two teenagers and he has a teenaged son. He constantly complained about our not being able to see each other, but every time we had plans to be together, he canceled. He consistently told me that he loved me, I was the best person ever, etc., etc., etc. The problems he had were all about him. He had problems with the disparities in our educations, salaries, home and cars. None of this had any bearing to me, but he was festering inside and one day actually told me that it bothered him that I was so highly educated. I almost dropped to the floor. Despite that comment, he still claimed that I was the “one.” After making plans and canceled again, I told him that was it. He said that we should just break up. A few days later he texted me that he missed me and was so sad without me. Did I forget to mention that all of his communication was done by text? I later learned that he left his son’s mother,with whom he lived with for ten years, in the middle of the night. She had no idea the break up was coming and that he had actually bought a house to move into without her knowledge. Need I say more?
Then I dated a man who on our second date admitted to having been married twice. He divorced wife #1. Wife #2 left him. He also admitted to having embezzeled money from his former employer which lead to his being fired and blackballed from his professional industry. In also filed bankruptcy. While I sort of cringed at his history, I admired his honesty. He also said he has spent the last four years in therapy and working on his issues. There was not a connection on my end, but I respected the second guy a whole lot more and I feel confident that he will make the right woman really happy.
Ladies, men who disappear and pull away are cowards. Trust me when I say that you are not the first or last woman they will do that to. If they are over 35, it may just be their MO. If they are 50+ and neve been married (especially if they have children and never married the mother of the childre)— run the other way. They are either emotionally unavailable,or commitment phobic or players.
Stella
Ella 163
I had a vanishing act happen to me recently. He met me 2/3 (not too sure on the timeline) months after he’d broken up with the girlfriend he was living with. Never told me about this initially because he said he “didn’t want to scare me”. I’m an only child and as such I’m not needy (have been told this) and can give people space if they need it … I “mirrored” for about a month and then slowly let my “shy” walls down, got the “we’re gonna be a couple you know” from him (he brought that up), got a million “I like yous”, the “it’s ok, waiting for sex makes things interesting”, “you’re flawless”, etc. etc. … then I displayed genuine interest and he faded away. It hurt. He really hurt me even though it wasn’t a “defined long relationship” I wish he knew this, but I will never tell him. I never nagged or asked why, realizing that he probably needs this time alone to deal with moving house, school etc … I tried/am trying my best to be empathetic about it seeing as it probably takes more than 2 months to let go of his past relationship.
Disappearing was cowardly, and this was a blessing in disguise. I never thought this far into the future at the time but now I think … what if I had had children with this guy and then one day he disappears!?! Gosh, how would I feel then! I suppose sometimes I can shy away from intimacy, which I expressed but the only real thing I regret was not asking him about why he thought telling me about the ex would scare me, and asking if he was truly past it. I cannot hold any ill will cause that’ll only work to my detriment. Not everyone is the same. Just looking around made me realize there are all kinds of gorgeous generous worthy fellas, and although I may not be quite ready right now, in time it’ll work out. Someone somewhere out there will be on my wavelength! Hope springs eternal, and thank God for that.
Men are a mystery to me as I’m sure women are to them. I do not think there is a set formula for success, but I think honesty is key. Men + women stringing someone along for your own selfish ends/needs is deplorable. Going forward I’m going to ask potential partners questions, all kinds of questions! I cannot know what you’re thinking until I ask … I’m tired of the guess work and the stress that comes along when (women especially) try to fit the pieces together without knowing what the full picture looks like.
Hopefully that all made sense.
Caz 164
I dont know how old this tread it but Mel my relationship started like that. He was so sure he wanted a relationship. I was very wary at first because he hadnt been single long. But he went full throttle and we got on so well…. Then bang he ended it after 6 weeks saying i quote he doesnt want anything permanent atm and if he feels its getting that way he gets cold feet, thats the way he can only explain it!!! i didnt even think that far ahead. So what happened there??? im still at a loss to why and feeling hurt because he said i could txt and keep in touch and when i did he replied a few days later. I txt twice in a week and it took him a day to reply. I honestly feel used… Is that an explanation of his feelings just to ditch me after he was the one that was so sure he wanted this and then basically forget about me and my feelings… even if it was bad timing for him we could have been friends. Ive never felt so sad…..
Kari 165
I believe it all boils down to the fact that men simply just take relationships much more seriously than women. Regardless if the man is a commitment phobe or a man wanting a happy family to live happily forever after with, most men take relationships very seriously because they really care who they ultimately end up with, because they DO want relationships, and DO want to end up with the woman they love. And thus they are far less likely to settle with somebody who does not make them feel good about themselves. Men just don’t want to commit to Mrs. Wrong because ending up with Mrs. Right is so much more important to them in the end. And I honestly think that is actually quite admirable.
And although I think there are far less of this type, I think another reason a man might disappear, is because the male gender actually take breakups a lot harder than women do (especially if they were the ones dumped). They have less of a support system and aren’t supposed to show emotion. Instead they will repress it and end up doing things that many women might take as not caring, when in fact, they do care, and it probably sucks much more for them. So this is another reason men take having a “real” relationship so much more seriously. They don’t want to commit and invest into a woman who may later break their heart. So men are constantly testing us and trying to determine not only whether we are a good match to become Mrs. Right, but also whether we will be kind to their fragile hearts.
So in my observations, the most common reason they bail are either because – they think you aren’t the one, or they are scared you will think they aren’t the one.
I have no answers as to why men place so much more value on relationships than women, but I don’t question it. I have just learned that you have to deal with this fact. If we put our best face forward, and they still disappear, then time to gracefully take our exit and say nice knowing you, because it just wasn’t meant to be. If this happens, I always try to at least take a positive lesson from it so I can be better prepared for the next time around.
An old man once told me this: A man will move mountains to be with the woman he loves. I believe that is true. If he is Mr. Right, nothing will stand in his way to him and his girl. I haven’t found my partner in crime yet, but I do know I keep getting closer. I know if women remain positive, and learn from past mistakes, I know some day, the right guy will come around.
As for how to get the right guy to move mountains for us, well, I will refer that back to the dating coach. After all he’s the professional.
RelationshipLoveHelp 166
Why men pull away in relationships – especially when things are going good does seem to be a mystery sometimes. But I think there are really many reasons that contribute to it, which I even recently discovered brain chemistry. It is important learn the differences in how men and women are wired differently to help get understanding and avoid getting offended and making things worse.
Mya 167
Good lord I opened this site and read from all the girls comments here (though I haven’t finished reading every single comment).
I’m SOOO glad I read Charlotte’s comment #2 cause it was EXACTLY like the one I’m dealing right now. Only the difference is, I haven’t asked something to him to put a CLOSURE on this thing.
See, I’ve been going out with this guy for, mm.. 1.5 months. And that’s how long I’ve known him also. Mistake? Yes it is obviously a mistake. Cause the second date I already had ‘fun’ with him, though I never had sex with him until now *THANK GOD!
He’s a really upfront/blunt person. So he kinda assured me that he’s NOT playing games, we’re not high school teenager anymore, bla bla bla..
Part of me was still cautious, but also kinda “saw” a hope in him. I THOUGHT this time I wouldn’t need to pretend that I wasn’t really into him. So, instead, I told him that “I really like you and I’m afraid things won’t go well”
OMG now I realized that I did a completely WRONG action. I felt I was secured enough to tell him that. He was super nice even 2 weeks after that but then just slowly pulling away..
I was still hoping that HE could be serious with me, so instead of playing cool, I showed him how much I want to spend time with him.
I guess I did the same things that most woman would probably do, chasing him a little bit, until my friends beg me NOT TO.
See, we girls tend to do something based on our feelings which most likely is a WRONG thing to do. I read and read and ask other people and come to conclusion: if 99% people said so, it can’t be wrong. So who’s wrong? My feeling!!!
I’m soooo blessed that I haven’t really make myself looked as a doormat in front of him. I WON’T ask for any closure (despite he’s been out of contact with me for a week now, and before it- we’re really in a GOOD condition), so that it won’t be looked as HE DUMPED ME.
I don’t think it matters to him anyway.
So, I just feel I’m blessed enough to learn one more thing from guys
blueberrie 168
I don’t know the answer to this but I’m 40 and rather fed up with the whole thing. Can’t tell you the number of guys who come on strong, claim up and down that they are serious, I reluctantly believe them, spend time with them, let them do their little mating dance and then poof, suddenly they aren’t looking for anything serious, they just want to be friends, some just disappear, some have told me they were never interested to begin with, one I dated for years and years after he claimed to want to marry me, insisted I buy wedding books to plan the wedding etc etc and then argued with me from dawn till dusk about any plans I had made re the wedding, I finally walked out, a few months later he showed up begging to get back together and I said NO!!!
I have honestly had enough of all of this. The problem is is that we play this whole game on the man’s turf. I don’t know I sort of think the 1950s were better where you were never going to get laid unless you married the girl. I think we live in a world of too much porn, too much sex out there, and not enough values on love and family and solid relationships or responsibility in those relationships. and that goes for women too, there are plenty of women who cheat, are gold diggers, etc etc.
I think it’s pretty sad that I assume when I meet someone that it will not work out, that he’s just going to play the game and I have to put up with it and likely get hurt over the whole thing and waste a lot of time. Just not sure it’s worth it. I went out on a date a while back with a guy who had some female friends in their mid 40s, professionals, he said they had pretty much given up at this point on ever finding anyone because it’s just the same old game over and over and over again…. I tend to agree and am pretty much at that point myself.
marymary 169
Blueberrie
if he comes on strong that,s your early warning.
someone with good intentions and a moderate level of self awareness will be more careful, considered and move the relationship more slowly. Goes for us too.
slow doesn’t mean no progress, ambivalence or not exclusive either. And Don’t date for years and years without marriage.
im not saying it,s your fault and their behaviour is accepthole but you CAN get what you want if you read the signs and don’t expect some Casanova to come up with the goods.
Ms.E 170
I think when anyone pulls away from a relationship without notice is a coward. The word is “relationship” which means relating to one another in a calm rational manner.
I think in the beginning of any relationship space should be rewarded. It is in that space the couple can take a breather and reflect.
However, I don’t agree with disappearing without an explanation it’s childless,disrespectful and shows lack of value.
I’m so tired of hearing about how to be a woman or a man. I believe just be yourself and enjoy life and the fullness of it. The right man or woman will come your way and love “you” for who “you” are.
I personally wouldn’t spend my days trying to figure out someone else’s motivates. Life is too short and beside what is normal behavior? The way I see it we all have a measure of dysfunction. Therefore, there is not a magical script. God says the greatest gift of all is Love. So embrace it with the realization that rejection is part of the equation.
Remember, you can never control another’s behavior or action…you can only control who you are, what you are, and where you are going in life. Never put yourself in the Victim Chair because someone fails to see the beauty within you
Rochelle 171
Agreed Ms. E. Playing victim is just self sabotaging and will just attract more disappointment, hurt and pain. And yes, we can only control ourselves, not other people. However, we can either accept or reject certain behavior from other people.
Leah 172
Wow! Evan is SO Good! : )