Oct27

Why Do We Rush to Go on as Many Coffee Dates as Possible, When Coffee Dates Almost Always Suck?

07:00 am on Oct 27th 2008 Evan Marc Katz

Finding the One Online is a comprehensive, life-changing program that covers everything I teach my clients about online dating. If you want to get your love life on track and aren't sure where to start, Finding the One Online is the best investment you can make.

38 Comments »Filed Under Online Dating Tips & Advice

38 Responses to “Why Do We Rush to Go on as Many Coffee Dates as Possible, When Coffee Dates Almost Always Suck?”

1. April Oct 27th 2008 at 07:20 am 1

   No idea. Maybe that’s why I eventually got so bored with online dating: the dates themselves were dull, and left me with little enthusiasm for seeing the other person again. Too many first dates, nowhere near enough fun.

2. Cilla Oct 27th 2008 at 07:41 am 2

   Who’s rushing to all these coffee dates? I’ve been on one in my entire Internet dating history, and it was so intolerable I couldn’t wait for it to end. It just didn’t feel like a DATE–it felt like a job interview with more uncomfortable personal questions.

   Nope, if possible, I like my early dates to involve a little liquor and some nice food (takes the edge off and gives you a distraction if the conversation lags). And save movies, amusement parks, tennis, football games, etc. for later–you can’t really get to know anyone in those types of venues. It’s possible, of course, to have a good date that advances the relationship without drinks and dinner, just more difficult in my mind.

   As far as the timing of the date goes, I’m a fan of finding a balance between meeting right away (you’ll know if there’s physical chemistry and no one’s time is wasted) with emailing and chatting on the phone for a week or two (you’ll have more to talk about when you actually do meet, and it weeds out the crazies who initially look good on paper).

3. Karl R Oct 27th 2008 at 08:05 am 3

   Talk about a leading question.

   I’m not trying to get as many coffee dates as possible. The goal isn’t to have a lot of first dates. The goal is to get beyond the first date and develop a relationship with the right person.

   Furthermore, I can’t recall a single coffee date that I had that “sucked”. I’ve enjoyed the company and the conversation, even if the dates didn’t go anywhere further.

4. xpuff Oct 27th 2008 at 08:22 am 4

   Because there’s that small chance that it might not suck.

5. dadshouse Oct 27th 2008 at 09:36 am 5

   Funny question. I hate coffee dates, so I just go to coffee houses by myself. Usually, I’ll bring a good book. But I’m totally open to meeting single women that are there. Just strike up a conversation.

   Only problem – so many people bring their laptops to coffee houses and work! They are just staring at the screen. You can’t talk to them. And they take up an entire table by themselves. It sucks.

   Just as bad – I’ll go to a coffee house, see an attractive woman out front, try to catch her eye, but she’ll check her watch. Yep, she’s waiting for her pre-arranged coffee date to arrive.

   To all the women out there – do yourself and us guys a favor, and go hang out in a coffee house with a book that you’re not really reading, or just go and drink coffee, and flirt like crazy. It’s not that hard. And it’s way more fun than browsing profiles online.

6. Amy Oct 27th 2008 at 10:31 am 6

   The problem, imho, is that while I am reading your advice… the guy who is writing me most likely is not. Ultimately it feels a little weird to keep leading things all the time – even if you are being cute about it.

   So, the few coffee dates I’ve been on were because I had already turned things around and asked to chat longer than they were used to or (fill in the blank with some other thing I thought was more important to make issue of). At the time it seemed like I’d look pushy / unable compromise if I made a fuss about it so it was easier to just go with the coffee idea. But right, I definitely don’t PREFER coffee dates.

   Though to be fair, at least one of the dates ended up being really fun… and both led to a second date… for what that’s worth.

7. outsidethebellcurve Oct 27th 2008 at 11:17 am 7

   I actually make it a point not to go out on coffee dates. They’re great if you’re meeting someone in person at a bar or at Barnes & Noble, but coffee dates are waayyyy too popular when you meet someone online. I’d figure a girl has probably been on 15 coffee dates in the last two months before she goes to Starbucks with me.

   I make it a point to change up plans either beforehand, or even at the last minute…. activity dates (poetry club, salsa lessons) or something like mini-golf ALWAYS work much better. You get to chat, get comfortable with each other, and avoid the boring Starbucks atmosphere.

8. Steve Oct 27th 2008 at 11:39 am 8

   A coffee date is one of the best ways to go for both parties. It lets you get out of the date if things aren’t going well and if they are then you can go somewhere else to continue the date if both agree.

9. Maya Oct 27th 2008 at 11:39 am 9

   Most of my coffee dates in fact have not sucked. I can only think of one that I’d label as bad, but that is because the guy had nothing to say to me. But I have a feeling he would have been the same if it were dinner and drinks. And coffee dates don’t have to just be coffee at Starbucks. I’ve had dates extend to walks, lunch, dinner, and a movie.

   So I guess I’m a fan, but I like hanging out in cafes in general anyway. So even if it’s just coffee and conversation, it’s good to me.

10. moonsical Oct 27th 2008 at 11:54 am 10

    Evan, why do you think? Because that is the most creative “pre-date” our date could think of (so original)(and shows they’ve taken the time to know us and create something that fits the person.) It’s a long wait waiting for a man to, “get it,” and think of a new idea. So, while we are not rushing, we are not waiting around, either. It’s either coffee or drinks. That is the extent of it. Most men want to see you in person to make sure you’re “worth” putting, uh, say, fifteen minutes of extra thought into it. Do I sound jaded or what? Snort.

    Ciao,

    moon

11. happy girl Oct 27th 2008 at 12:00 pm 11

    I guess the reason I go on coffee dates is that if it does not work out you and the guy do not have to sit through a long drawn out meeting. However I have also gone for dinner, quick lunch, a drink at a nice bar. I almost always initiate the suggestion for a coffee date, but very often the guys I have been on a date with have suggested to meet for more then just coffee.
    I would honestly say that except for one coffee date, where were the conversation was just like pulling teeth, all my meetings have not been a bad experience at all.

12. Cilla Oct 27th 2008 at 12:32 pm 12

    I do the screening process up front, with emails, phone calls, and the dreaded text messages. That way, by the time I meet I guy for drinks and dinner, I’m pretty confident I can stand to spend at least a couple of hours with him.

    Hell, I flew to another state after corresponding with a guy for a month, sight unseen (other than photos). It was understood (actually anticipated) that we would be spending the night together right away. Risky, I know, and the relationship didn’t last (don’t even want to get into all the commentary about how it was because I slept with him too soon), but the sex was ungodly good. Would I do it again? Yeah, probably, given the right circumstances. Beat the best coffee date in the world by miles.

13. Dana Oct 27th 2008 at 12:41 pm 13

    I don’t go on coffee dates. Meeting for ONE glass of wine and an appetizer after work works for me. No caffeine buzz, you don’t get drunk but you can relax, you don’t have to chew much, it’s a weeknight so you can keep it to a couple hours at most and neither one of you has wasted a precious weekend day if it doesn’t work out. And even if it does work out, the first meeting should be pretty short anyway — it makes it less nerve-wracking and builds anticipation should you decide to meet again.

14. Steve Oct 27th 2008 at 01:01 pm 14

    post #8. Another Steve, not the handsome intriguing regular. Good thread. I’ve only had a few coffee dates, but not second dates from them. Hmmm.

15. JuJu Oct 27th 2008 at 01:10 pm 15

    The only conceivable reason I can think of to go on a coffee date is if you aren’t sure the person is worth your time. In my case (well, perhaps not *always*, but most of the time), even if I end up not finding the guy attractive, after a few good phone conversations I can still be pretty sure that the date won’t be a total waste of my time.

    So, the question should not be “why”, but “do you”.

    I don’t rush to go on many not just coffee dates, but dates, period, as I am into quality over quantity. I strive to filter (LOL). I am fully aware that if, for instance, my profile said something insipid like “I am looking for a MAN with a capital M!!!”, I’d get hundreds more responses. But going through the hundreds I already receive is enough of a second job for me.

16. marc Oct 27th 2008 at 01:46 pm 16

    I’m of the school of thought that coffee dates are fine – ESPECIALLY if it’s an internet date. To me it doesn’t matter if I’m sitting in a Starbucks with some chick drinking overpriced coffee, at a bar sipping a glass of wine, or on a park bench drinking 40s out of a paper bag. It’s all about the company. If a person bores the shit out of you, they’ll bore you at Starbucks or at a four star restaurant.

17. Ben Oct 27th 2008 at 01:58 pm 17

    I haven’t had a coffee date which sucked. As another poster said, even when they haven’t worked out, they’ve always been good conversation.

    Save the $$$ dates for later. Especially since i have to pay for them.

18. satexasgirl Oct 27th 2008 at 02:44 pm 18

    Out of all of the dates I’ve had there has only been one bad coffee date, but I won’t go into details. I honestly don’t mind meeting a date for coffee especially a first meeting. It’s casual and easygoing. It should give the two people on the date to have an actual conversation that is not dependant on or to indicate a wink or a smile.

19. satexasgirl Oct 27th 2008 at 02:46 pm 19

    the wink and smile were supposed to be the semicolon with ) & colon with ). oops

20. Zann Oct 27th 2008 at 02:49 pm 20

    Sometimes they do suck, but I have yet to find a good alternative. Because I’d sure rather go on a fairly brief coffee date with someone I’ve never met than on a lunch, dinner, or even “1 glass of wine” date. With coffee, the biggest investment is a couple of bucks, regardless of who pays, and about 45 minutes. I’ve learned this the hard way, and the coffee date is the only way I’ll agree to meet someone in person for the first time, regardless of how much we’ve emailed or talked on the phone before that. I also try to have something lined up for afterward so I have an honest excuse when I want to make my exit. It also takes the pressure off the guy, in case he’s not all that thrilled with me, either. Life’s too short to spend uncomfortably with someone who, for whatever reason, you just don’t click with.

21. Pearl Oct 27th 2008 at 03:27 pm 21

    According to this LA Times article, a warm drink can warm the heart. Hence, the popularity of coffee dates!
    http://www.latimes.com/news/science/la-sci-hot24-2008oct24,0,6223548.story
    Or maybe it’s just caffeine addiction.
    (Nice to see you, Evan, and congratulations!)

22. JuJu Oct 27th 2008 at 04:16 pm 22

    Oh, you know what else?

    All these “so, let’s go out for coffee” suggestions from men last time I was actively online-dating seemed to me to show lack of class. They were just too obvious in their reluctance to spend more money, but then, in my mind, going out is not necessarily associated with food – I could just as well go to a park or a [free] museum. (That’s not to mention that I am fully capable of paying for myself, if the expense is of such great concern to them.) If only these men weren’t so transparent.

    But maybe that’s just me.

23. Kenley Oct 27th 2008 at 05:15 pm 23

    JuJu,

    I think it’s perfectly fair for a guy not to want to spend a lot of money on a first date because it can get expensive if they are dating/filtering a number of women, and I don’t think they are being cheap per se. Dating can be very expensive for men if women think they have to pay for everything. I always just to suggest a free date. In the summer, I will suggest a walk along the lake or something outdoors. Or I suggest an outdoor art walk. Those have always been my best dates and at the end, the guys typically suggest we grab a meal.

24. JuJu Oct 27th 2008 at 06:21 pm 24

    Kenley,

    I realize class can be expensive, and yet, it’s a trait I value highly and must, in fact, have in a mate.

    You know, honestly, at first I thought nothing of the phrase, it’s after a few months of hearing it that it started to grate on me.

    It’s the imposed limits I don’t like, I think, more so than the implied “cheapness”. On time (how flattering!), on effort (not exactly original, after all), and mostly, on MY input, in terms of ideas. Why doesn’t he ask what I want to do? Especially considering that from my response he could actually draw some valid conclusions about my personality.

    I think in my entire history of online dating I met up with only one man who suggested coffee, and that was a long time ago, when I was inexperienced. Well, not to scare any of the men here, it was probably not just the coffee suggestion in the other cases, but a comprehensive display of unappealing (to me) behavior (and in all of this I, apparently, started discerning a pattern).

    I do allow the possibility that my perception is all out of whack, though.

25. Mary Oct 27th 2008 at 06:34 pm 25

    Online dating goes in stages..At first you are a little skeptical and email back and forth for weeks…When that gets boring…you go for a couple of emails then hours on the phone…when that gets boring…you go for an email..phone call…then a meeting..somewhere…When that gets boring….You just say …”hey you! Let’s meet for coffee…” Then you know the cynicism has set in and it is time to take a breather and get offline for awhile.

26. Amy Oct 28th 2008 at 07:43 am 26

    Yeah I agree with Mary and JuJu here. I think that I’m always on the look-out for cynicism – because expecting that you’ll need an “out” on a date can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. With the few exceptions I mentioned earlier (where we’ve already gotten to know each other for awhile and they were just coffee people), I tend to think of a “coffee date” as going into the date a little jaded.

    I mean, think about it. If you go into… lets say a job.. with a positive attitude, chances are you will be happier with the position and continue focusing on the positive. If you are jaded and thinking about your last job, which you found disappointing or even hated, sure… you MIGHT be pleasantly surprised. But you also might bring in some of that negativity to your new job.

    Not that dating and a job are the same but… right… hopefully you get my point. Lol. If I’ve been talking to a guy for awhile, I know that I’ll at least be able to have a good conversation with him. And that is worth a few hours of my time – whether there is chemistry or not. Its about respect, and I totally agree Juju, class. Two things I’d hope my date would have.

27. moonsical Oct 28th 2008 at 05:44 pm 27

    Well, I’m one of those people who looks forward to job interviews–go figure–and I do not dread initial dates nor have I had a bad one. First, intentional meetings are almost always awkward for a few moments, but then they move forward.

    My only point was how utterly mundane, even dull and common, “going for coffee,” is. There are millions of more fun things to do, and as my want is for a creative man, I do always hope for a sign of that. *I* have some fun date ideas, but as another woman on the blog made mention of, it feels odd to always have to lead. That’s not why we partner.

    moon

28. hunter Oct 31st 2008 at 07:02 am 28

    to moon on post #27

    How true!…Men should always ask their partner, about, where to go on a first date.

29. Selena Oct 31st 2008 at 05:17 pm 29

    Glass of wine and an appetizer at a local place. Better atmosphere than a coffee house if nothing else.

    And yes, if he’s too cheap to pay for just that much I probably won’t go out with him again. Sorry. Been down that road.

    Subsequent cheap, free dates can be more fun than $$$ ones and I’m all for that. I simply have no interest in coffee after 10 am.

30. JB Oct 31st 2008 at 06:50 pm 30

    The question Evan posed “Why do WE go on as MANY coffee dates as possible, when they almost always suck ?”
    First off I’ve never been on a “coffee date” and I’m not sure if “meeting for an adult beverage date” is the same thing ? I can assure you it’s not because it’s a little more expensive. I usually meet for a drink or an appetiser depending on my “perceived” value of the lovely lady in question as well as the amount of rapport we’ve built up by email & phone etc… I think this question is mainly directed at the women because they have the quantity power at their disposal for the most part. Meaning they could probably get a guy to “meet them for a drink” 7 nights a week and never pay for any of them where as most men have to really put in a lot of effort to actually meet 3 new women a month. So the point I’m trying to make is the term “as many as possible” must be for women because what’s “possible” for them is vastly different to what’s “possible” for MOST guys. We just don’t have that choice when it comes to the numbers. For some guys, 1 or none are what’s even “possible”.

31. moonsical Nov 1st 2008 at 01:57 pm 31

    Hunter,

    Better yet, men can read profiles or have conversation with said woman and think to themselves, “Ah! She likes art! So do I! Maybe a Gallery Walk?” Possibly this is too much work for a man, though I find the men I actually do date have this going for them.

    moon

32. A-L Nov 1st 2008 at 07:23 pm 32

    After reading JB’s post, I have to say, not really. Or maybe it means that I’m not willing to go out on as many dates as possible. Frequently my choices are zero or none in terms of new dates with guys I’m interested in. Guys who e-mail me one liner e-mails like “write me back” or have other horrendous errors…maybe. Guys who legitimately seem interesting and have potential? Maybe if I was a 10 I’d have all those offers, but as it is now, not so much.

33. A-L Nov 1st 2008 at 07:25 pm 33

    Just as an addendum to my last post, if a guy seems as though there’s potential from his e-mail/phone conversations, even if the chemistry isn’t popping and the conversation could be more scintillating, I’ll frequently give him a chance with a date to see if things improve. I tend to have the philosophy that I’ll continue to go out with someone until I can say definitely that I’m not interested/don’t see long-term potential with them. Of course, I can usually tell within 1-2 dates at the most (few guys get to 3 but not beyond).

34. hunter Nov 2nd 2008 at 10:03 am 34

    Keep in mind, the anxiety level is very high, on the first three dates. I ask all women out at least three times, even the ones I wish would die on the way to the bathroom!……

35. moonsical Nov 2nd 2008 at 12:55 pm 35

    hunter,

    That is SO comforting. Gosh I hope no one ever hopes I will die on the way to the bathroom! Egads.

    moon

36. JuJu Nov 2nd 2008 at 01:03 pm 36

    hunter, you some sort of masochist? =P

37. hunter Nov 2nd 2008 at 08:57 pm 37

    Masochist?,,,OMG!…..hhmmhh, I think the movie “Dangerous Laisons” is boring…..LOL!…….

38. hunter Nov 2nd 2008 at 09:07 pm 38

    Moon, I am sure you are a real sweetheart on dates.

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