Why Does He Text Me Photos of His Penis?
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Evan,
I meet a man via an online dating site, we email back and forth, get to know each other, then he will ask for my phone number. If I like him I will give it to him. Then he will text me. I may even give him my email. This usually leads to him asking me out on a date. So far, so good, right? Well… here is the wrinkle!
About 85% of the men who get my telephone number and/or email do something very bizarre. They randomly and with no warning whatsoever send me a picture of their penis!! Erect!!! Also, they seem to prefer texting and emailing prior to a date, instead of actually calling me up and asking me for a date. But back to the penis issue… is this normal? How is a woman supposed to react? Why are they doing this? I mean, you’re just going through your emails or texts. It’s early in the morning and you’re drinking your coffee… and suddenly BAM! There is a fully erect phallus in your face! Coffee snorted up the nose, all over the keyboard!
I don’t want to hurt their feelings, but this is crazy to me! And these are actually nice guys! Normal jobs, normal-to-great-looking, very polite. I have no problem with sexual banter or even sexting in the build-up to a date or for building anticipation in a new relationship, but normally when that happens there’s some kind of finesse – they don’t just whip out their johnson! Do they??
Evan, is this normal now? Is this what guys do? What should I do or say when this happens? I know it’s not just me, because my friends are having the same experience with the random penis pictures. Any clarification or advice, or just explaining this odd male behavior would be appreciated. Thank you!
–Darcy
Darcy,
On behalf of all men, I’m sorry.
I wouldn’t text a cock shot to a stranger in 1000 years, so I may not be the best person to explain this, but I’m going to do my best, like the amateur sociologist that I am.
Once again, I will reiterate that, although I was a self-proclaimed male slut from 25-35, my work was done before texting and camera phones became ubiquitous. So this stuff was never an option.
What I’m guessing, however, is that, like I wrote in “Why He Disappeared”, good qualities come with bad qualities.
If you tell him that you’re turning off your phone unless he presses the little green dial button on his, you may incentivize him to step up.
I meant that in relation to men – brilliant men are often difficult, handsome men are often entitled, etc. But it also applies to technology.
For example, the Internet is great, but it’s also caused the polarization of our politics, tons of misinformation, and an endless time suck.
Same with cellphones. It’s very convenient to have everyone you’ve ever met accessible through the Facebook app on your iPhone. But that means that you’re highly accessible, never unplugged, constantly distracted, and a lot more likely to crash your car.
When we look specifically at the use of cellphones during dating, I’ve frequently stated that texts largely signify one thing: “I don’t want to talk to you; if I did, I would be calling you right now.”
I might have to revise that statement.
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69 Comments »Filed Under Sex
Tina #17 James Bond is a...
Fiona 1
I have to say no-one has ever done that to me so I am a bit concerned if 85% of men that the OP communicates with are doing this. Maybe this is an issue with younger guys rather than middle aged? Or is she perhaps handing out her number/email to the wrong men in the first place? In any event it is clearly a no brainer. Delete him and don’t respond.
RW 2
LOL LOL LOL LOL. I apologize for laughing at your problem, Darcy but it’s just so damn funny. I have never been texted a penis by someone I am not in a relationship with and I am hard pressed to even imagine what my reaction would be. It’s all very well to say that these are not bad men and they probably aren’t but my knee jerk response would probably be to block the guy and never speak to him again. You would think that in general, men would want to show you their fine specimens in person before attempting to send a photo. I am disturbed to hear that this is becoming common. I would be tempted to just ask a guy what he was hoping to achieve when he sent the photo. If you do decide to ask someone, please, please post the response. I’m impossibly curious about what it could be.
CS 3
EMK …..I am glad to see this post! Last year I decided to try online dating. Oh boy!! I was excited of the possiblity to meet interesting, nice men. Well, to my surprise after meeting a few guys after the intial emailing one another back and forth.. We had decided to exchange numbers to text/call to get to know one another prior to meeting. After a few text messages… I was sent pictures of their penis. Now, I was never sure why either of these guys would send me a picture like this ….so not impressive. However, in sharing these experiences with my girlfriends …they to have had these same types of pics text to them. I don’t why some men would do this??? But its makes me run the other way….is this the best they can come to the table with??? WOW?!!
MIsha 4
Personally I would be offended and horrified. And it would tell me one thing. They want sex and they want it now and are trolling for a romp. And probably sending said photo to all on their list they have contact w/ for a booty call.
I think it’s massively rude and inappropriate behavior unless they are on a pick up site. Fine display your johnson there. Not to normal gals who want to get to know you before being slapped with your junk. Sheesh.
No they are trolling and just.. offensive, selfish and rude. DELETE.
BeenThruTheWars 5
Are they all guys from the same website? Might be time for a new website.
Anonymous 6
Thank God I’m a lesbian.
Ruby 7
I’m with Fiona here, maybe it’s an age thing, but I can’t imagine a guy over 40 doing this. Heck, I can’t imagine a guy over 25 doing this. What’s odd to me is Darcy’s statement, “I don’t want to hurt their feelings…” Wait, what about her feelings? Did the guy ask her in advance if she’d mind seeing his dick “pop up” on her phone while she’s at work or in class? I don’t know where she’s finding these guys, but if 85% of them are doing this, something’s wrong, unless, of course, she’s just looking to get laid. In my world, truly “nice guys” would show a little more respect. Perhaps Darcy is letting the sexual banter and sexting go too far before she’s even met the man, and is giving men the wrong impression.
David T 8
When I read the OP’s letter, I was thankfully not drinking anything. Frankly this blows my tiny little mind. Out of the blue? What the heck? And to respond to RW I can’t imagine doing that to someone who I am IN a relationship with, unless they asked. . . and then I would be puzzled and would probably want a long talk with them before doing anything.
I am with @MIsha. These men likely just want sex, or at least are completely focussed on it during that moment. Even if it is ‘just’ an “in that moment” thing they have impulse control issues and are being rude. Evan was far too charitable.
RE: Evan’s comment on texting in general. I find that when I call a woman (or many of my male friends for that matter) the cell phone actually gets picked up maybe 1 time in 3, and these are people who I know in general are happy to talk to me! The low number of hits is a symptom of our over connected world. Heck, I probably only answer 1 in 2 calls myself. Sometimes I leave voicemail, but am likely to hang up and text instead. For some people the pick up percentage is far lower. With these, I will text out of the gate and not even try to call, though my text might be “are you available to talk?”
LC 9
These guys ARE bad men. They only want sex. DELETE. There are just so many of them out there these days that feel entitled to be male sluts for 10-20 years of their lives, and there’s nothing we girls can do to change them besides not sleep with them. I’ve received many pictures like this, stories of their exploits, etc., and I’m not impressed. I cannot respect a man who has no respect for himself or the women he’s dealing with. NEXT.
Alyssa 10
No one has ever done this to me, either, so I can’t help but wonder if the OP is bringing it upon herself in some way… she did say she was game for ‘sexting’ pre-date which I think is a BAD idea unless sex is all your after. I never ever have any sort of sexual conversations before a first date, or before exclusivity for that matter- I personally think it would devalue me as girlfriend material.
JustMe 11
I have gotten a handful of these pictures. I have gotten them from guys over 40 and i have gotten them from guys under 40. They are a complete surpise. I did ask one guy WHY he sent me that and his response was he had to have some way to get my attention. I replied if he thought that was an appropriate way to get my attention then I was NOT the girl for him. To be fair, these are the minority.
K 12
Very weird. I’ve been doing online dating for years and several different sites. Currently in early 30s no one has ever done this to me online or offline. Makes me think there must be something in her texts or her profiles which indicate that she may be more open about these things. The last few pics I got from guys I hadn’t met yet were travel pics or sporting events that we had talked about.
RW 13
@David T
I’ve never gotten a penis text from anyone, period and I agree with you…it boggles my mind. I re-read my comment and I guess I was trying to highlight the fact that it would at least be considered in the realm of acceptable if it was from a person I was sleeping with. Darcy’s situation is just bizarre.
Kathleen 14
I was cracking up imagining Darcy being invaded by the X rated texted peni . A funny topic indeed!!
No this isn’t unique to guys under 40 Ive found!!
Clever wit is always a turn on!! This …ahhh …..not so much…. LOL
julie 15
I have dated from the internet for a long time and never have i had someone send a penis picture unless we discussed it prior to him sending it or i was in a relationship with the guy. This isn’t the norm and whatever dating service your using sounds like it is oriented more towards the intimate encounter kind. I would delete someone in a heartbeat if they sent that without knowing if I was interested in receiving such a photo. Put these guys in their place fast. Next.
Paula 16
It’s happened to me once and it does get your attention but in the wrong way.
Send back a repy text along the lines of ’Oh, is that all? Does it come in a larger size? Poor you? Doesn’t always pay to advertise you know!’
I’m sure you can make up your own put down, delete their number and don’t answer or respond to any further texts from them.
This is not normal behaviour for decent guys, these weirdo’s are fishing to see how far they can bust your boundaries and make you accept their outrageous behaviour.
At some stage or another they must have got a positive outcome from sending their pathetic little penis pic so they keep doing it. It’s a really lazy, low effort way to get attention and any guy who is engaging in this sort of behaviour tells you all you really need to know about him.
Serena27 17
I had a guy I met online send me headless pictures of himself. He was usually shirtless, but then the last one he sent was him in tight boxer briefs and he’d stuffed the front. It looked like he had a hockey cup proctector in there, it was not a natural shape. We hadn’t even met yet. I sent him a good-bye email telling him those pictures told me he was only looking for sex, and if he wasn’t then he should seriously consider the kind of impression he was making on women. He sent me a polite email back defending himself that that was not his intention. I didn’t bother to write back.
However, I think the penis pictures are becoming more common. My wonderful, sweet sensitive boyfriend started sending them after we had had sex, and kept asking for pictures of me. He was actually hurt and confused that I didn’t send him one or let him take one, and even argued, “but you don’t seem shy about your body”. I told him that yes, I like my body, and I’m comfortable with it, I even like walking around naked, but I’m not taking pictures. We had to have two conversations about it. I kept remembering Evan’s advice that sometimes good guys do stupid things.
Based on his other actions (he was very attentive and caring in the early days and he has remained consistent the last 6 months) I decided he simply had a very different world view from me and took the time to explain my reasons and that I needed him to respect my decision. He did, and later said he realised he had been immature and wrong and apologised.
The other thing he doesn’t do is call. We send eachother over 450 texts/month. Each! I understand that guys don’t like long conversations on the phone, and that’s fine, but I’m sure in the last 6 months he’s called less than 10 times. The thing is, he hates calling people. He just doesn’t like talking on the phone to anyone. He sends what I would call ‘girly texts’ with lots of emoticons and hearts. I actually started using them just for him. When we first met, he always asked me out for the next date at the end of the date we were currently on. So it wasn’t until much later that I figured out that he doesn’t really call.
However, he does understand that I wish he would call more and if I ask him to call, he will call me.
So, there are wonderful guys out there who also communicate via text and think penis pictures (or underwear shots) are sexy. But they should still be doing other things to show they really like you. My boyfriend did call before we met for the first time and talked for a while. We had a good connection, so I knew the first date wouldn’t suck. There was also no sexting from him before we met or even until a few weeks in. And it wasn’t because he doesn’t know how; he’s actually very good at it. But he saved it for when we were dating.
Goldie 18
Wow. I thought I’d met some pretty unsavory characters during my two rounds of online dating (2010 and 2011). Then I read this post. What on earth is happening there? No one has ever sent me a text like this, and I spent three months on plentyoffish, for crying out loud! Only guy to come anywhere close, texted me the night before our first date, something like “I can’t wait to meet you in person tomorrow night, and then we’ll make sweet love”. I texted back to cancel, never met him, end of story. But even then, there were no pictures. No, this is not normal. No way, no how. At least, not with the guys that contacted me online (professionals/some blue-collar/some small business owners, age from 30 to 50ish with a few 20-somethings thrown in). If Darcy has 85% of men doing that to her before the first date, I’d suggest, in this order:
1) like someone suggested before, change sites.
2) if that doesn’t help, review your profile. Does it say anything that sets them off in this way? what about profile pictures?
3) if that doesn’t help, move, cuz I’m out of ideas at this point.
Robyn 19
Trust me on this – you can have as “normal” or G-rated profile or personal ad as possible, and you will still get some fraction of the male population being this crass / inappropriate when contacting you.
And age has little to do with it. In my experience, the older ones (over 35) have been the worst offenders.
When a man does this, he is (in my opinion) telling me he is desperate to get laid with any woman who will take him and/or doesn’t have anything to recommend him other than his d_ck – neither of which are attractive qualities in my book.
In fact, they are immediate dis-qualifers, as far as I am concerned.
Whatever you do, do not bother replying to their texts/e-mails asking why they are doing what they are doing.
Don’t let them bait you into corresponding further with them – they don’t deserve your time and attention.
Delete their e-mail(s), block them from contacting you again & if they do it more than once (by creating a new user name & repeating the process – which has happened to me a few times), report them the the web-site management/moderators for inappropriate conduct.
Kim 20
In defense of Darcy, those of you who are saying that it MUST be something she did are akin to those who insist that women who are raped MUST have been asking for it by their behavior, style of attire, location, blah, blah, blah. Really? Shame on you for judging Darcy! This IS a rather common occurrence, and it happens everywhere, without provocation. Men over 40, under 40, Match, POF, and eHarmony. I have never sexted before a first date, or exchanged lewd emails and still have received lewd emails and texts from would-be suitors. Penis pics: yes. Confessions of masturbating to my profile pics: yes. Questions about my bra size: yes. And one guy, on the third date, when I invited him in for a cup of coffee, went into my bathroom and came out naked, and we had never once discussed sex, either that night or any other. I was appalled and threw him out. But my point is, it doesn’t take slutty behavior on the woman’s part to invite bad behavior on the man’s. I think that somewhere these guys have gotten the idea that women are turned on by the sight of a penis, hard or otherwise, and are trying to get her in the mood so they can jump her bones at the first chance. It just doesn’t work that way for us. It is offensive. But it happens, and not because anyone asks for it.
JD 21
I actually don’t like talking on the phone to someone until I’ve met them in person. I find it awkward and it doesn’t tell me any more about them than email. You still can’t gauge chemistry over the phone – at least I can’t and I need that in-person contact to build a rapport before phone contact.
That being said, I have never received a phallic photo via phone from anyone . . . ever. Email is another story but it has been infrequent. I have received requests from guys to send a photo via text which I find supremely annoying. Clearly they are looking for a sexy pic, even when they say they aren’t, or they would be satisfied with what is provided on the profile until we meet in person. (I make sure to provide close-up face shots & further away body shots to give an appropriate over all idea of how I look)
K 22
@20, not trying to judge Darcy or saying she has asked for it. I’m just trying to be helpful and suggest she re-review her profile or how she communicates with guys. All I can offer is my experience and that of my friends (females who don’t get those pics and male friends who don’t send them). I’m willing to accept that I am in the minority (lucky) and the norm is to get them all the time. I’m just happy it isn’t my reality, because if 85% of the time it was happening to me, I would have stopped online dating as I’m fairly conservative. Luckily (if that is all it is) I communicate with several new guys a month and so far nothing lewd. I have used Okcupid, Match and eharmony.
Spiral 23
Yup, this has happened to me on numerous occasions, and I totally agree with Evan’s assessment: they are looking for sex, and they think you want to see them naked as much as they want to see you.
I’ve never developed a strong emotional relationship with any man I’ve dated who sent me a penis shot, but I have had some fun flings!
Ruby 24
Kim #20
I’ve done online dating off and on for years, and corresponded with many men from 20s to 60. Never once received a penis photo, nor have any of my friends. I also don’t engage in “sexual banter” or “sexting” with men I’ve never met before, and when a man has attempted this, it immediately sets off red flags for me. I’m not saying Darcy is “asking for it”. But she’s written to ask if this is normal, and the vast majority of responders say it is not, so we’re trying to figure out why most of the men she corresponds with would do this. She may be giving these men the idea that she is more open to casual encounters than she realizes. She may also not be so good at reading between the lines in the man’s profile; some men can be rather subtle about their lack of interest in any kind of serious relationship. The fact that she’s so concerned about hurting THEIR feelings isn’t helping her any, either.
David T 25
@Spiral22
I’ve never developed a strong emotional relationship with any man I’ve dated who sent me a penis shot, but I have had some fun flings!
Would you vote for any of them for congress?
@Kim20
And one guy, on the third date, when I invited him in for a cup of coffee, went into my bathroom and came out naked, and we had never once discussed sex, either that night or any other.
Was he confused when you asked him to leave? Did you give him time to dress? Laughing minds want to know! (It must have been scary for you in that moment, but it is a funny story knowing it ended safely for you.) I guess when you invite someone for coffee you have to spell out that coffee means just coffee. Sad.
Maybe he spilled coffee on his clothes, went into the bathroom to hand wash ‘em and while they were drying on the shower bar, he thought it would cross your boundaries to wear one of your towels without asking. . . . Kidding. Even I am not that naïve.
Tom10 26
Like Evan and David T, I am dumbfounded that some men think sending these photos to women they haven’t even met is a good idea. These men are obviously just looking for just sex and initially I thought they were doing it in a very tactless way. However, they are surely being deliberately provocative in order to test her boundaries: i.e. quickly suss out kinky she is. Sure it will freak out most women, but the ones who respond positively are the ones they are looking for.
Spiral #23
“I’ve never developed a strong emotional relationship with any man I’ve dated who sent me a penis shot, but I have had some fun flings!”
This is interesting: it seems to indicate that these photos do work for a certain percentage of women.
JB 27
I have to say like Evan said these are men who clearly don’t “know” women. Even though some are very succesful(Brett Favre,Congressman Weiner etc…) They have no idea what women want or what makes them tick emotionally let alone what may spark and keep attraction. These are the same idiots that think WOMEN read Playgirl magazine when we know it’s mostly gay men that read Playgirl. Ohh and ladies, you can bet the men on this blog are much much sharper than to do anything like that….LOL
SouthrnPhoenix 28
My percentage has never been 85%, but I’ve had my fair share of penis pics sprung on me (no pun intended). My response to each of them has been “My kids are frequently close to me when I receive text messages and could see these pics; please don’t send anymore.” The response is usually some variation of horror and a promise not to do so again. I’ve only received a couple of them before a formal meeting and my response was always harsh, as in “don’t ever contact me again.” They do happen. I more or less agree with Evan, but will add that I honestly believe most of these men are impressed with their equipment and hope I will be as impressed. I wish it wasn’t that way, but it happens. I’m 38 and my age range is about 30 to 48. I usually see it in men closer to my age or older than the younger ones.
BChick80 29
If it makes the lady who asked the question in the first place feel any better, I once had a male coworker that I went on one (yes, ONE) date with do this. When I received said Text of Shame, I was on a jam-packed train on the way to work. Yes…dude sent me a picture of his ding-a-ling before 9:00am. Appalling. The six people standing behind me got a good look and are probably still traumatized and telling their therapists all about the time their eyeballs were assaulted with a d*ck picture and wondering what kind of woman GETS a d*ck picture first thing in the morning. I can’t even.
Sue 30
I also received a penis picture one day and about shit my pants! I couldn’t believe ti! Thanks so much for the post and I am glad I am not alone. I never responded and deleted his phone number!
Angie 31
85% WHOA, that is a high amount!
Darcy, here is where I do think you can assert some control over this not happening: Take a look over your own profile to see if you have any mentions of liking sex or being a sexual person, including photos where you are looking seductive. Also, don’t text them anything too flirtatious.
To be honest, I wouldn’t give my email to someone I hadn’t met. If they ask for your phone number, give it to them and say “I look forward to your call” or something to tell them how to reach out to you. There is no reason to give them your email address. You are essentially emailing them already through the dating site, except that you won’t be able to flag or report a breach in terms of service through your regular email.
As silly and old-fashioned as this sounds, if you want a date, make your profile read “Girl you can take home to momma”, not “Girl you can take home after a couple drinks”. (Seriously, I apologize for being silly and old-fashioned sounding, this isn’t meant to sound offensive or as if I believe a woman does anything to provoke this, but you do have to market yourself).
Some guys have handles like “HornyDude77″ etc and sending penis pictures is probably their primary method of operation, but the reality is that 85% of guys on dating sites are not out to do this. Try to change your interaction leading up to these texts and see if you get different results.
Dawn 32
Haha…I am soooo glad to know I’m not the only one. I have gotten so many of them that I wish I had saved them, I could have made a book.
The last time I specifically told the guy that I didn’t want one. Had enough, just want to discover that on my own if that time came. He said he understood, however the next day I got the damn cock shot. REALLY???
I explained that although I do appreciate a good ‘package’ he had pretty much taken the mystery out of it for me. There was no longer that desire to discover what may be in store…I became quickly uninterested.
I’ve even so much as asked “why” why on earth do all the men feel the need to send a picture of that. Especially when there has been no intimacy between us…I don’t get an answer. They get embarrassed and apologize, but I never get why they all seem to want to show their cards.
I’m with the idea that they probably are hoping to get one in return. I no longer indulge…I used to, but now the only one who’s getting nudy pictures of me is the lover who has explored the real thing first.
I’m gotten off online dating in part because of this exact thing. Seems like online dating has become a bit of sex for free…I’m over it. Learned a lot about myself, and about men, and about what I’m willing to tolerate and what I wont.
Amy 33
Hey Darcy,
I love your post! Funny and relevant. I have received many such photos during my dating career and they never cease to shock and amuse me. In some cases I’ve met the guy just once, in other cases not. I hate to say it guys, but even though these d*cks are all different, they tend to all look alike in photos. In one such photo, both the guy’s hands were visible, making me wonder who took the picture! I could probably collect them all, print them on fabric and have enough for a lovely penis quilt! What I wonder is if these guys realize that women are far more apt to laugh at these photos than they are to say to themselves, “oooo, I can’t wait to have sex with this guy!” And to Ruby @7, YES, middle aged guys text these photos too. The “oldest” penis pic I’ve received so far is 47. All humor aside, ultimately this is not classy behavior, but that of 19 year old frat boys. I cannot imagine that the man I eventually meet who will be my boyfriend/husband/partner would ever do this, it seems really low brow/trashy, even if it does provide a few laughs in the moment. And to you guys who’ve weighed in (especially Tom10@26), thank you!
Casey 34
David T @ 25 and Bchick80 @29, LMAO at your comments!
I just thought “what an idiot” and proceeded to share it with my girlfriends who all Roared about it! Oh yes, he was such a narcissist that he included his face!!
I am early 50′s and have only received one of “those” un-provoked texts from a 50 something that thought he was hot stuff (actually he was
David T 35
How about responding this way. . . . “A picture is easy. Show me you are serious and make like van Gogh. Here is my PO Box address.”
Or find a truly gross medical picture online, maybe a photo of a gall stone removal, or male circumcision on an adult, and send that back to him. Heck, if it upset you, it is only fair. . . .
Simone 36
Tell him that you’re going to post the pic on Facebook and tag him in the photo. That way all of his friends will see it. He’ll think twice before doing it to someone else.
Or maybe someone should start a website where people can post these unsolicited pics with the guys’ names on them. I mean, so many guys are always trying to get naked pics of women–whether through persuasion, coercion, or harrassment (think cell phones on escalators, young girls in dresses). No one is even persuading, coercing, harrassing these guys–they’re volunteering to be outed.
And do not date these guys!!! Sometime it’s a wonder to me that anyone ever has a good relationship with a guy at all. The majority of guys seem so reptilian. How can you get beyond that. Even if they “change” and get some sensitivity, these reptiles always have this awful behavior in their past. And you can’t know how reptilian the “changed” guy used to be. Let’s say you get married and build a life with a reformed reptile, and then one day via social media something awful pops up to destroy your life. I know of some awful things that guys did to women when I was in college. If any of that ever got out some of these guys would be ruined. It’s harder to hide this kind of behavior nowadays because of technology.
Thank god.
Some other Steve 37
“Oh: that looks like a penis, only smaller”
Karl S 38
What website is she using?
She might want to try Okcupid. I’ve had the most success through there and the people who sign up are generally more intelligent writers, or at least that’s how it is from a male experience.
sharon 39
There is nothing more unattractive than i disembodied penis. If you’re going to be lewd at least show me something worth looking at. A cute butt, arms body shot whatever. That at least might turn me on. Dudes like their dicks way too much.
Kathleen 40
Remember Anthony Weiner the political who was “exposed” in the sexting scandal that destroyed his career and possibly his marriage with his fiancee?
I remember he could never really explain his behavior but therapists quoted at the time said the motivation may have been just a need for more power, sexual stimulation and needing reassurance of desirability. Hard to understand I know …no pun intended LOL
I think a sexually attractive woman may be a target of these guys but its not really about the woman as an individual.
Yesterday a guy from POF sent me a message he was masturbating to my pics. Im now 54 His profile said he was 37. With one click I blocked him and I don’t really think that was about me personally.
Karmic Equation 41
I’ve never received any d_ck shots, even from guys I was in relationships with. The only inappropriate images I ever received were animated porn images from a guy I hooked up with ONCE without any sex. And he was ex-CIA (yes, I confirmed this, so he wasn’t lying to impress). The most soft-spoken guy ever met. Always talked respectfully with me. Was a total surprise that he was so into porn.
Given how un-hung-up (pun intended) I am about sex, I totally agree with everyone here that it is a turn off. I’m totally hetero, and honestly, would prefer to see pix of naked women over naked men. Men look better clothed, imo.
Kate 42
I had my first experience of this recently when a guy texed me a picture of him shirtless in front of his bathroom mirror, and we hadn’t even had a phone conversation. I texted back “is that picture on your profile? because its kind of weird to see you in the bathroom”. He apologized but it was too late – there’s no way I’d get involved with someone who does that before I’ve even had a conversation with them!
On the text messaging note, the first time a guy texts me, I politely write back “its great to hear from you. I hope you don’t mind, but I have a policy of not texting people I’m trying to get to know on Match. It leads to what I call “Lazy communication” lol! But I’d love to get to know you better on the phone or in person”. The genuine guys have no problem with it and actually agree with me, and it weeds out the ones I’d be wasting my time on. Think about doing this ladies – we deserve more than crumbs, we deserve a phone call!
Goldie 43
Kate — I canceled a first date once over a shirtless bathroom pic. The guy was hanging by a thread already — he’d sounded weird on the phone. He had three pictures on his profile: portrait picture (main); in front of his living room mirror, taken with cell phone; in front of some other mirror in his house, taken with a cell phone. The night before our first date, I log into the site and get a notification that he’d updated his profile. Turns out he had added a fourth picture — in the bathroom, shirtless, taken with cell phone. That just was a lot more weird than I could handle. So I texted him, apologized, said I was having second thoughts and that I was canceling. He was very understanding about it, I have to say.
On texting, I’m in the minority here in that I prefer texting and emailing to talking on the phone during that get-to-know-you stage. Just do not have that kind of time. Whatever we need to chat about, we can chat about it on a date. With that said, I’ve had a couple situations where the man appeared perfectly good on text and email, but then we’d start talking on the phone and the most incredible stuff would come out of his mouth. So I guess phone conversations may work as an additional way to screen.
NN 44
I really hate talking with a man on a phone.
It is awkward, and they just don’t have anything interesting to say and I have to be the one to keep the conversation alive. I hate it!
There is actually no point of meeting him for a date after a phone call since I lost interest totally in that phone conversation.
Not even once in my own long dating life has something come out of phone conversation with a stranger.. They just proved that they just plain boring, and lost me with that call they insisted to make.
Now adays I don’t give my number, and problem is mostly solved. =)
Karl R 45
While I wouldn’t say that Darcy (or any other women) are “inviting” penis shots from men, I would say that men are interested in sex. While the good men will respect your boundaries, we will also be interested in finding out how far they extend. To a certain extent,we discover that by testing those boundaries. But we also take cues from our impression of the woman in question.
I find the idea of a penis-text crude, immature and (fundamentally) clueless about what works with women. However, even someone like me will push farther with some women than others. If a woman seemed extremely conservative, I would take several dates without even trying for a kiss on the lips. For other women, I’d being seeing if 2nd base was an option at that point.
I didn’t try for 2nd because I knew the women would say yes. I tried because I was reasonably certain they wouldn’t be offended by the attempt.
If 85% of the men are sending that kind of text, you are giving the impression that you’re less likely (than most women) to be offended by it.
K 46
I was once texted a photo that would not display on my phone (it may have even been an early iphone, so it wasn’t that long ago) which I now suspect was a penis.
It happened after I’d been out with him once. He shared a little too much personal info, he did seem just a little odd – but he was attractive and seemed interested in me, so I thought, give him a chance.
When I told him the photo wouldn’t display, what was it? He said “A pic of me, send me one of you” … NO … even after this I thought, give it a try, I don’t *know* it was a penis. We went out again and he said more odd things and we ended up falling into silence abrubtly. Weird. He texted me a “let’s be friends, we don’t have chemistry” the next day, which I politely replied to (“same here”) or something. Within a week, he was calling and texting repeatedly with no reply from me. I asked him to stop contacting me and he didn’t. Things like “give us a chance!” after 2 dates.
He stopped and occasionally texts or calls randomly a year or two later (!). Most recently I texted him that he had the wrong number and I think it worked.
Yikes! Thank goodness he didn’t know where I live. I don’t think he’s dangerous but he’s definitely weird (also ex military).
In conclusion, I do suspect the photo was a penis.
PS I do date online – yes, met him online – and I don’t look at other women’s profiles to compare mine. But an ex told me that some women do have in their profile things like “don’t contact me for casual sex” and so on. I’ve never written that, even though I don’t want guys contacting me for casual sex, so I guess it depends on the site you’re using – but it could even be something you’re not saying that other women are saying that attracts men who are a little wacky/clueless.
Maria 47
Evan,
great articlet by the way. However, when you mentioned that most men are using text over phone calls, you are saying they do NOT want to talk to us? I do not think so. So why is it my date never calls me? He is a very shy person and I can prove it. Am I excusing him with the fact he is shy??
daphne 48
I’ve been on Match two years, lots of dates, never ever has this happened to me. I’m a bit confused over 85% of anyone’s contacts doing something this idiotic and offensive. Perhaps wait until you’re much further along and have at least met for a date to give them your # ?
Rosy 49
While I’m more than happy to receive a mobile phone photograph of my chap’s old chap (although it’s always on request, never unsolicited), if he’d have done it while we were still in the “getting to know each other” stages of dating, I doubt he’d be my boyfriend now.
Darcy, echoing others’ comments here; what dating site are you using? Maybe I’m just incredibly lucky, but I didn’t get a single penis picture sent via OKCupid. Plenty of Fish, on the other hand…… eek!
Henriette 50
Bwahahahaha! Should I be offended that I’ve never received a dick shot from an online suitor?
myra 51
Let me get this straight…you are having sexual banter & sexting with someone you havent met, to build up to the the first date and yet you are surprised that you are getting photos of an erect Penis??? Really???? You have invited the photos with your communications. Men will be gentlement with women who are Ladies.
I am not a prude at all… but these men are total strangers to you. You have presented yourself as someonewhoi is open to the receipt of such photos.
Dawn 52
@myra #51
I know in my case that pictures have been sent with NO sexual banter.
I’ve had them sent after one text, and after days of text.
I would not be surprised by one that followed sexual banter. I think the question is more about why men send them when they are not requested.
If a man tells me he’s a boob man, I don’t send him pictures of my boobs. If I flirt with a man, that does not immediatly mean I want to see his junk.
For me, it seems that men want to send them. I understand there may be different reasoning behind WHY, but it really does seem to happen a lot.
Don’t judge, unless you know ALL the facts…this is a fishing for understanding post.
Ruby 53
Of course, now I realize why I’ve never gotten a penis pic – I don’t text! Yet another reason to avoid it as a way to communicate with dates. It’s too lazy as a method of communication, and too easy to send unwanted crap. A man should at least be able to send an email to ask a woman out, but picking up the phone, as hopelessly old-school as that sounds, is even better.
Rochelle 54
1. I fortunately never had a guy text me something like that but if I did I would have to rule him out. o_O I get that men can be clueless about how to behave with women but I believe most know that kind of behavior would creep out a woman.
2. I can’t even imagine accepting a date from online without speaking on the phone first. And I tell them that,especially since several guys seem to ask you out on the dating site! This helps to see if he’s really serious about getting together or just wants an online or texting “friend”, which seems to happen frequently on dating sites. They want to continue talking online but when meeting seems very real, they back off. So my suggestion to Darcy is to let these guys know your boundaries, not in an entitled bitchy manner but tell them their date idea sounds wonderful it is just that you feel uncomfortable accepting online dates before a phone convo. It always has worked for me when they really wanted to meet… With some guys once I speak to them on the phone, I know I couldn’t go out with them but was considering them before. you save yourself from wasting time since there are a few things you can gauge from a phone convo.
3. Agree that texting as a basis to get to know someone sucks. Heck I rather email than text because at least there you’re more likely to have more than one line exchanges of banter. Since 98% of the men I come across are text happy, I simply started being less available for texting. For example, I generally don’t text men I’m dating while I’m at work. If they complain, I tell them this and say it would feel good to catch up over the phone later, and when they call, I show appreciation for hearing from them. If he is serious about getting to know me, he will do it gladly. If it’s too much work, then he can go.
Kathleen 55
Dawn I agree
Before texting technology there were obscene phone calls These weren’t provoked.
The penis shots I got weren’t provoked by me.
Great post on Facebook today by Evan re being tolerant of a guys flaws but not his lack of effort. Guys avoiding speaking lack effort and often lack relating skills. NEXT
Selena 56
From Ruby #7:
“Perhaps Darcy is letting the sexual banter and sexting go too far before she’s even met the man, and is giving men the wrong impression.”
This is my take also. If 85% of men are sending you cock shots, it’s most likely because they don’t think you would be offended, given the things you’ve said(written) to them. You probably think you are being fun, flirtatious, cool…and may not realize some men are taking this further than you intended. Dial it down. Way down. See what happens.
maria 57
This is very common for me too. I am a social media junky, i like online dating and i meet a lot of people at social settings. I notice that the guys I meet online do this a lot. I find out that they are very immature, non-committal and slutty. They also may be insecure.
i press delete and dismiss them with the quickness. It is SUCH A TURN OFF!
Hope 58
I received a few penis shots when I was on Match. Quite simply, it’s the man’s way of saying without words that he’s looking for a purely sexual or friends-with-benefits situation. Serious relationships don’t start with a cock shot.
sarahrahrah! 59
I think these men do this because that is the practice with “adult” websites. Most people don’t post pictures of their faces; they post pictures of their body parts and then choose their “partner” based on what they like. Really pathetic and one more reason to stay away from anyone who sends you penis pictures. Big STD risk.
Unfortunately I know all about this because of a cheating ex…
myra 60
What I am saying is that if 85% of the men Darcy communicates with are sending her these photos, there is a reason. I have been online for 5 years and I have only received an inappropriate photo once. If that manymen respond in that manner, there is a reason… they think that the recipient would not be offended.
Selela #56 seems to understand how Darcy is sending the wrong message and as a result is getting these photos…. Again 85%of the men are sending her these photos?????? What does that statistic tell you?
Selena 61
Re Myra #60:
Yes, whenever there is a pattern, it’s worth looking for a common denomiator. Apparently there are gobs of foolish men sending pictures of their penises to women they’ve never met. But the women who’ve received these pics acknowledge MOST men don’t do this. If most of the men Darcy communicates with (85%) are sending her these photos, what is she doing differently from other women? The obvious answer seems to be the sexual style of her communication. Pointing this out is not to shame Darcy, it’s about if you want different results, try changing your methods.
Kathleen 62
I thought Darcys post was funny Maybe the “85%” was an exaggeration for humorous effect
Catherine 63
As someone who has used internet dating for years and never received one penis photo, I think anyone who has received multple penis photos must have written a suggestive profile or be on a dodgy dating for sex site
starthrower68 64
I’ve heard it referred to as “digital courage”; it’s the same phenomenom that allows tween girls to cyber-bully each other.
Joe 65
So…what percentage of the penis pics are manscaped?
Joshua 66
This article actually made me laugh when I saw the title because I was out with a girl last week whom I met online. She told me that after the first date, the guy went home and texted a picture of his private parts. When she didn’t respond he actually got angry. The sad part is, this isn’t the first time I have heard this story. I think when it comes down to it the explanation is as simple as, some guys are just nuts! Unless the two people met off a sex site, this is never acceptable. Period!
Reddy 67
I honestly think that the best reaction for this is to go to the police and file a complaint. That’ll learn them. After all, if you meet an exhibitionist, you are entitled to file a complaint so why shouldn’t you if someone has the nerve to send you a pic of his genitals.
I don’t think this is a matter of guys doing stupid things, I think it is because these guys have a very unhealthy attitude towards sex and are beyond repair. This is about not respecting other people’s, esp. women’s boundaries.
Kathleen 68
Reddy 67
With all due respect that would be a complete waste of police time and the volume of “perpetrators” would be impossible to manage
These guys want attention andy the best response is no response, delete.
Cat 69
Although I don’t have any experience with this I have to share a similar story. A friend of mine who has been single for the past 4 years & been dating quite a lot has had MANY penis pics sent to her. Now the thing that is funny to me is she is 41 & most of the men are between 30 & 45. It seems odd to me that men in that age range do this because I would expect the behavior from younger men (20′s), not older men. With that said, I’m of the opinion that it’s men that are quite well endowed that text these pics because they are proud of their “junk”. Of course she shows all her girl friends said pics & we get a giggle out of them & are usually very impressed. HA. I think it is very common nowadays actually!