Why Does My Boyfriend Look at Other Women?
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I am in a serious relationship with a man that I have known for many years but have only started the relationship in the past few months. Our relationship seems like a dream, we have always cared for each other, but I think our timing was never right. We had started a relationship at 20 and I subsequently broke his heart. He did not communicate his feelings for me which led me to believe there was no future for us and I moved on. Nevertheless, we continued to be friends and it’s now been 18 years. We have matured and grown and are better equipped emotionally to have a successful relationship, at least I feel that way.
You have far more to worry about than a nudie poster. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, shall we?
He lives across the country, has a great job and is leaving it behind to come and start a new life with me at this point. We are buying a home together and are trying to start a family, but something still makes me feel doubt and insecurity. I had the chance to see his place, I flew out for a week vacation (he often visits me and I wanted to see him at his end) and saw his apartment for the first time. I chuckled at first, seeing that it was decorated with flags and beer posters and such but when I saw the detailed nudie poster of a woman signed to him with love hanging on the inside of his closet door I felt like throwing up. He is an intelligent man, very successful, very down to earth, is very respectful and caring in how he treats me, very loving, sensitive and has no problems sharing how much he loves me anymore… all those things a girl would want. But I am disgusted by that poster, I didn’t say a thing to him about it, I figured this is his place and who am I to throw my opinion in his face about his decorating tastes so to speak. But the whole time I was there that was all I could think about! It drove me crazy, I felt like it was a notch on his belt that he had to hide in his closet but yet had no qualms with letting me see it. I have a lot of negative feelings about this and I’m hoping that my perspective on this needs an adjustment. Hope you can put me at ease or help me deal with this in an appropriate way so we can move forward because I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall.
Thanks,
Trixie
Oh, Trixie.
You have far more to worry about than a nudie poster. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, shall we?
First let me attempt to put you at ease with the concept of the signed (and detailed!) nudie poster. I know it’s easier said than done, but this one’s on you. There is absolutely, positively, 100% nothing wrong with a normal, red-blooded American man who appreciates the naked female form. In fact, you’d be hard pressed to find a man who turns away in abject horror when presented with the image of a perfect body.
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48 Comments »Filed Under Communication
Jennifer 1
I cannot for the life of me understand why Trixie would not just *ask* about the poster. Is it just a playboy playmate and he went to an autograph session to get it signed? Is it a super good-looking ex girlfriend? My guess is something along the lines of the former which makes this, in my view, a total non-issue.
Being so bothered by something and not mentioning it *at all* seems very reminiscent of the 20 year old Trixie. While the guy definitely seems to have some arrested development issues, please don’t let him uproot his life when you don’t even feel comfortabe having a conversation about something he wasn’t even trying to hide from you (i’m assuming you didn’t sneak into his closet).
Honey 2
Well, for me the insecurity over the poster is actually her brain’s way of trying to sneak in all that other stuff that so desperately needs to be considered…but I agree.
If he wants to move, fine. But why buy a house together so soon? And if they’re 38 then I do understand the rush if they want their own genetic children, but…is it worth the other risks you are taking, just to have that one thing?
starthrower68 3
It’s always the same old story: “he’s all of these wonderful things, but…”. If there’s a “but”, then please take Evan’s advice to heart. So many people rush into these things without looking at all the clues then come back and complain about it later. I suspect what the OP really wants to know, is can she change him from looking at other women.
Curly Girl 4
I disagree with Evan. I say it’s a red flag that you have to take a look at. I think the poster IS a sign of issues that he has and that you are right to be bothered by. So many women dislike this type of male behavior (ogling, objectifying women) and despite this, men persist in doing it. Why? Because they get away with it. Because there are plenty of people to tell you that as a woman YOU are wrong to find this objectionable. And yet you do. In your gut, it repulses you.
I hold that there is nothing wrong with you. But here starts the denial and the looking in the other direction, until before too long you’re lost in a stupid relationship where “I’m just a guy” has become the excuse for all sorts of unfair and insensitive behavior.
Not all men go in for this type of behavior. I feel sad that they are in such short supply, however. And happy that I have one who is not like that. (He does appreciate female beauty and he’s quite into s*x, lest you be thinking otherwise. He’s just very respectful and not at all dog-like.)
But think on this: If this type of display/behavior is OK, then why is it banned in the workplace? Because it creates a work environment hostile toward women. Why hostile? Because 80% of red-blooded American women find it offensive. Why should you be less protected in your home than in your workplace?
I would say that you have the right to ban from your home any sort of material you find objectionable. You have to live there, too.
Oh, but to correct something: The woman in the poster is not “unattainable.” To paraphrase Tina Fey on Letterman last night–she’s quite attainable. For about $6,000.
Christine in the uk 5
Personally i would worry if he didn’t have posters like that somewhere.
Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach 6
My bet is lover boy doesn’t have women to his home very often. He’s goes to her house as he has with Trixie. Therefore not much worry about being embarrassed about the poster.
But more importantly, if Trixie is bothered by a poster – why not just ask? As a dating coach for women over 40, I highly recommend asking the hard questions. That is the best way to get answers – one way or the other – because no asnwer is still an answer.
Asking tough questions deepens your relationship and helps you discover how the two of you will handle difficult issues as your relationship progresses. If Trixie is thinking about kids – there will be plenty of difficult things to handle way beyond a nudie poster.
Be bold – just ask about the poster and stop the worrying.
girl-with-glasses 7
I think to paraphrase, Evan’s sayng the poster’s not a bad reflection on the man’s sexuality, (because that’s pretty much healthy and the norm), but the poster is a bad reflection on the man’s social awareness and maturity. Maybe he’s just not well socialized, if he had a *serious* relationship in his life, his decor might be at a different level. You can’t go into a relationship expecting him to change, but sometimes a man will change for the better after prolonged exposure to a real live woman in his life. So go with both eyes open on your part, hopeful but not hasty, etc etc
girl-with-glasses 8
Doesn’t her boyfriend sound like a potential case for that show with the Fab Five or whatever, those gay men that come around and reburbish a straight man’s hopelessly tasteless living room and dating style? He might be a nice guy, but he’s not at the stage you’re looking for… the op sounds a bit overwhelmed by nostalgia and romantic wishes. If she’s capable of buying a home and planning a family, she needs to reasses the situations with those eyes of logic instead.
Michael 9
From a guy’s perspective, I would have to agree with Evan that these are basic facts: healthy guys look at girls; mature 38-year-old guys don’t have beer signs and naked posters on their walls.
And I’m going to go on a bit of a rant for a second: I see a lot of men and women, especially single men and women, who seem to have decided that “30 is the new 20,” and so they behave like they’re still in college until…well, some never stop. If you’re a woman who’s still partying like it’s 1995, don’t be surprised if you keep attracting Peter Pan. There’s a difference between youthful vigor and immaturity.
Curly Girl 10
Agreed, Michael. I mean, don’t we all want to live in a nice place and have great, soulful sex? Like grown-ups do? Where in this scenario are the dumb nudie girls who go around flashing their boobies for money?
And who wants a guy who is so easily manipulated by women who flash their boobies for money?
Michael 11
Guys will always be influenced in some way by girls who flash their boobies. Evan, me, every hetero guy.
It’s the “easily” part that’s the variable.
hunter 12
Poster of a woman “behind the closet door?” Behind the closet door. hmmmh…I side with Ronnie the dating coach, she maybe the first woman over to his place.
I agree with EMK, there are more important things to talk about.
That maybe her way of starting a conversation about more important issues.
Lance 13
Totally bizarre. I’m younger than this guy and my place looks nothing like it. I’m single, red blooded, male, and I love naked chicks! Let’s class it up a little, people. I think he just needs to get a clue and get some style, but besides that he’s probably perfectly fine as a mate for Trixie. Also, what kind of a name is Trixie??
She should just bust his balls about the poster and other frat boy stuff and see how he reacts. If he reacts positively, like takes it in stride and jokes, they’re fine.
Steve 14
@9 +1
@7 +1
Karl R 15
Trixie said: (original letter)
“the detailed nudie poster of a woman signed to him with love”
“It drove me crazy, I felt like it was a notch on his belt”
A notch on his belt? You really don’t understand how men get one of these posters.
Sometime at male-oriented events, playmates (or other models who pose nude) will be invited to attend and sign posters of themselves. A few hundred men will line up, and she will sign posters for all the men as they come through the line.
The poster is a memento. It reminds him of when he met this woman. It reminds him of the event where it occurred. But the “with love” is completely without meaning.
As others have said, his place sounds like it was decorated by someone in their 20s. It’s possible that he decorated it over 10 years ago and hasn’t updated the decor since then.
If you want to affect his decorating style, (privately) tease him about decorating his place like a dorm room. Keep it light-hearted; don’t overdo it. The message will get through.
Honey 16
I would like to add that I have an autographed poster of myself with the entire cast of American Storm, a male revue in Las Vegas. There’s a polaroid of me with them someplace, too…
Curly Girl 17
I love how when it comes to s*xually explicit material a guy will invoke the argument of “all guys” do this or that, or “all normal guys” do this or that, or “[fill in some made-up percentage] of guys” do this or that. Clearly these are false, unsubstantiated statements. There are plenty of guys who don’t engage in this behavior, plenty of guys who just aren’t into it for a whole variety of reasons. But maybe you guys who are talking like this feel defensive about your own behaviors and want to believe there is safety in numbers, thus feeling called upon to speak for “all men.”
Marc 18
Trixie needs to see the glass half full on this one. If this guy has a poster like that hanging around in his place, odds are he doesn’t have any real live women hanging around.
Joe 19
If he still has the thing, it clearly means something to him. “Something” may be 1 on a scale of 1-100, or it could be 100.
However, since the thing is inside his freaking closet, my guess would be that it’s to the low end of the spectrum.
Methinks Trixie doth protest too much.
Michael 20
Curly, have you seen any of the guys here denying it yet?
Don’t get caught in a black/white, all/nothing fallacy. We obviously don’t all have rooms with beer signs and nude poster closets. But we all DO notice and are influenced by the female form in some degree.
Honey 21
Oh, hunter, sadly the poster is in a tube in a spare closet somewhere. I’m not sure I could find it in any sort of timely manner, and I don’t even remember if it’s ever been hung up…
Mara 22
Oh good grief – every man I work with at an investment firm between the ages of 22-40 has a signed cheerleader Arizona Cardinals or Philadelphia Eagles lingerie calendar hanging up in their cubicle/corner office. They go out to strip clubs and watch porn. So does my husband. He’s not addicted and he’s not a frat boy. I think if I didn’t work with all men, I might have had a naive view of it all. But it’s just a locker room mentality and men turning into morons when they see pretty, big breasted, unattainable women. It has nothing to do with their real life relationships. I think getting upset by a calendar is ludicrous, unless he actually knows the women in it and is in real life communication with them. Then yah, that’s a problem.
hunter 23
Honey, your poster is in a tube, put away somewhere? How boring…
Mara, I agree with your comments.
Jenny 24
Mara, not every man…
I am in my mid 20s, and I am the only woman my age in a team of 20 men of my age. From the 2 years I worked there, I can see the immaturities vary with different guys. Fortunately, since our work is highly professional, it is absolutely a no-no to have such posters hanging in anyone’s cube/office. I have been to a couple of their homes and they looked just as neat (or neater) as my home.
amy 25
Uh…no, actually.
I went the “well, he’s a man?” route when my ex moved his porn stash into our house. He wasn’t sitting around slavering or jumping over to the screen every other second. But I thought it was…sad, and abject, and totally not hot. Just sad. “Unattainable” is not at all the same thing as “poor dumb girls who have no idea what the men are thinking” or “down and out women used to being abused and objectified, with not a lot of anything to spare, especially brains”. I thought he should’ve been able to see that these poor women had no self-respect, were probably not that bright, maybe were used to abuse from childhood, and were being taken advantage of, whether or not they knew it. By him, now, too. I kept my mouth shut, thinking, “OK, he’s a man, maybe it’s healthy sexuality,” etc. I’d lived with other men and had never had this in the house before, but OK.
What snapped me out of that was my male friends, who said, “He has what? Ew!” They thought it was gross, and sad, and abject, and a bunch of other things, too. Turned out they were right, and I was wrong.
I wouldn’t date a guy who kept porn around and girlie stuff around or even found it sexy. Apart from my own experience, I have too many friends whose husbands had “healthy outlets” that somehow turned into hookups with 15-year-olds, near-rape experiences, and other sexual sicknesses. I think Trixie’s gut feeling about this is right on target. I also think you’re right in telling her to slow down.
Roger 26
I think you are worrying about the wrong problem. Your boyfriend seems to be making all the right moves-relocating to be with you, buying a house together, starting a family, communicating his feelings. Unless there is another reason you don’t trust him, I see no reason to worry so much about the poster.
I am curious to know why you can’t talk to him about it? Considering the problems that come up in a life together, the fact that you haven’t discussed it suggests that YOU need to work on discussing your feelings.
I can’t speak for your boyfriend, but if my girlfriend were to espress displeasure at such a poster, I would immediately get rid of it with a sincere apology.
Curly Girl 27
Michael: It seems that all PEOPLE are “influenced” by the way other PEOPLE look. Most people are aroused by visual erotic material, according to certain studies (legitimate scientific studies on human response–you know, ones that adhere to accepted research methods–not just something that’s tossed about online).
But we aren’t talking about attraction or arousal. We’re talking about a decision to seek out a certain type of stimulation absent any emotional connection to the presumed “partner”; a certain predilection toward fantasy that leads to an action without regard for the consequences of that action (in this case, how it might offend or hurt someone he presumably cares about); and the rather immature content of the photo.
Red flags, if you want an equal, mutually satisfying physical relationship.
Curly Girl 28
Agree with Jenny and Amy!
And Mara, no doubt there are male-dominated environments where this behavior goes unchecked. The question is, what woman WANTS to be in that situation? Hardly any, I would suppose, which is why those environments are male-dominated. As I said before, they are hostile toward women. That some (or even many) women go along to get along (as EMK and some other guys on here are advising Trixie) doesn’t mean that women like the stuff or wouldn’t prefer environments that are free of it.
But here’s an interesting question for the defenders of this behavior: If it’s so meaningless and irrelevant and not important and no a big deal, then why not just get rid of it or not buy it, now that you know how off-putting it is to what seems to be a substantial portion of the female population?
Kenley 29
I re-read the letter and the OP indicated that her guy had 1 poster not a stash of porn. Moreover, he hadn’t brought it to “their house,” it was his house — a house, by the way, this woman was never going to live in. I don’t know why some people have assumed that 1 poster makes this guy a porn addict. I’d need to have more proof than 1 poster to declare him that.
I don’t know if she should stay with this man or not, but if she loves him and he does everything through both words and action to indicate that he loves her, breaking up with him over a poster seems to be an overreaction. But sometimes, people don’t tell the whole story, so there actually may be something else that is bothering her about this guy. If that’s true, then she should slow down. She just needs to be completely honest with herself and if something is telling her he’s not the right guy, then he probably isn’t.
Jennifer 30
The most shocking and disturbing part of this story to me has nothing to do with the poster, but rather that the OP was bothered enough by this poster to say that it drove her crazy the whole weekend, yet she could not bring her self to say anything about it and this is a man that she has known for several years, is in a serious relationship with, and is moving cross country to live with her. If she can’t even bring up this rather simple issue, i can’t see it boding well for the relationship. People shouldn’t be that scared to talk to their siginificant others.
Dope 31
Boys will be boys? Harden up! This is nothing unusual.
Jenny 32
Personally, as a professional myself working with mostly men, I would leave the company immediately if I find anyone post anything sexually inappropriate in my workplace and the management tries to defend it. It is unlawful and it is an insult to my profession.
Sametta 33
I think worrying about a poster (which can be ripped off the wall) is silly. She’s allowing this minor situaltion to allow her to miss out on the other issues she needs to be attentive to. Hell, the man lives alone, he has a right to have a poster. It’s not like it’s his ex girlriend or something. Of all the complications that relationships can bring, a poster should be the least bit of her worries. You need to look at the bigger picture. Does this mean meet your needs? Is this man the type of man you see in your future? Is he a family man? Can you have children with this man? Does this man makes me feel like a natural woman, etc. Stop worrying about a silly poster that can be torn off a wall. And if you’re expecting to be with a man that’s perfect, that’s not going to happen. You want to go into a relationship with false notions. If a poster can bother you so much, then, perhaps, you have deeper issues. Or, perhaps, you have not come to realize that relationships in itself can be very difficult, and a poster is not even 1 percent of it.
Sametta 34
Or, perhaps, Trixie is jealous because she has low self-esteem and the nude woman in the picture look nothing like her. Hell, if my bf had a naked picture up and i know i look just as good, it would really bother me, because i am confident. Still, i think Trixie has deeper issues than that nudie picture.
amy 35
Kenley, the fact that he has and treasures the poster enough to have a look every time he opens his closet say something about what he finds appealing. And what he finds appealing is a young woman who’s willing to display herself in order to be the object of strangers’ lewd and often disgusting fantasies. She may have pretty boobs, but what does this say about her, the person? And what does it say about the person who finds that kind of person attractive?
I can certainly understand being distracted by a bod, and appreciative of it. But if an interest in the actual person in the bod doesn’t show up very swiftly afterwards, I’d say something’s wrong.
Most of my boyfriends — good, smart guys — have found this very frustrating. They see a hot woman — good! — and then very quickly realize that she’s terribly abject, or dumb as a rock, and they find it so sad or off-putting that they just don’t find her sexy anymore. Which is why they don’t have the posters or the porn files or the magazines. They’re just not interested in objectifying these women, find it a loathesome thing to do. What they want is a real, live, smart, funny, healthy woman in the bed. Or at least one to chase. That kind of fantasy they can live with.
Kenley 36
I don’t think sexually explicit material posted in a work environment is relevant to the OP’s concern. She found 1 poster in her boyfriend’s home in his closet — a location, where I suspect, he didn’t think anyone would see it there but him. It might even be the case that it’s been there so long, he doesn’t really even notice it anymore. I remember I read this book that recommended putting little notes of encouragement to yourself in various locations. So, I have this note inside my medicine cabinet reminding of my goal weight. The note has been there for about 3 years and I swear I only noticed again a month ago. If he’s like me, he might not really even notice it anymore.
One of the reasons I may be more willing to than some women to cut men some slack on pornography is because for many years, I was a romance novel junkie. My addiction started as a teen and continued until I was about 40. Romance novels are a HUGE industry for women, and you know what, most of today’s romance novels are soft porn — plain and simple. Yes, I read the novels for the story but also for the stimulation and excitement — that’s why women read romance novels — to get turned on. And, romance novels also set up very unrealistic expectations about the relationships between men and women. The reason I actually stopped reading them is because when I started dating again in my forties, I realized that the idealized man in the romance novel just did not exist and my thought that he did was getting me into a lot of trouble. I think the biggest myth in romance novels is that when you have sex with a man, you are now a couple. As we all know, that is not true in the real world. So, I stopped reading romance novels cold turkey.
I know some are going to complain that I am comparing apples and oranges, and I will acknowledge that there are differences. However, my boyfriends could NEVER measure up to the men in those romance novels — which is often the complaint women have about women in porn. At the end of the day, both are fantasies that are tailored to how each gender likes to be stimulated. If a guy is respectful to my wants and needs in every way both in public and private, I’m just not going to be bothered if he looks at pornography.
Kenley 37
Amy,
I think you have a very interesting voice and perspective. I think, however, we just see the world differently. First, there wasn’t anything in the OP’s note that indicated this guy “cherised” the poster. As I indicated in my previous post, sometime things are hanging around for so long we don’t even notice them anymore. Like a few others have mentioned, why didn’t the OP ask the guy about it since it bothered her so much?
Second, I don’t believe that every man who likes to look at a naked woman in a magazine has disgusting and lewd thoughts.
Third, the notion that if you don’t want to get to know a person you find physically attractive, then there is something wrong with you, makes no sense to me. I see hot men at my gym and on the street everyday, and I don’t have a desire to get to know them as people. Does that mean there is something wrong with me? Why?
Fourth, there is a difference between fantasy and reality. To suggest that a man’s fantasy can only be what his reality is seems oppressive to me.
To me, what this all seems to boil down to is that women who aren’t turned on by naked bodies don’t want men to be turned on by naked bodies either. I don’t think that is fair or realistic.
Jennifer 38
@Kenley #36 I tend to agree with you.
I don’t consider looking at or enjoying erotic/pornographic material deviant (or even questionable) behavior for men or women.
I do understand that on this board that seems to be the minority point of view though.
amy 39
Hi, Kenley,
Try again. A lot of people are hot, hot, hot — because they themselves, not this chunk or that chunk of the flesh — are hot.
I’d say that if you go home fantasizing about the hot bods in the gym, and then come back and watch them working out for more hot fantasy, and it doesn’t cross your mind to wonder who these people are, then yes, that’s a problem; you’re using them, objectifying them. Turning them into sex toys. And they aren’t sex toys; they’re people. On the whole men don’t like being objectified any better than women do — it’s total disrespect and humiliation.
On the whole, though, the guys in the gym aren’t dressing (or not dressing) for you. They’re doing it for themselves, and they’re dressed sensibly for their sport. Which is why I thought it was sad & prurient that people got all over Brandi Chastain when she ripped off her shirt after that big Olympic win. And men generally are not sexually vulnerable in the way that women are — although when they find that they’re in a vulnerable position, like when a straight guy finds he’s in a locker room full of gay guys on the hunt, I think you’ll find they get modest in a hurry.
No, not every man who looks at porn and girlie stuff is thinking disgusting things, but you know that some of them are. And that the woman who’s done the posing is inviting that very kind of thing, because that’s the purpose of those shots. To be used. For her body, or body parts, to be used as an object of fantasy.
You write:
“To suggest that a man’s fantasy can only be what his reality is seems oppressive to me.”
I’d suggest that imagination opens the door very wide.
And:
“To me, what this all seems to boil down to is that women who aren’t turned on by naked bodies don’t want men to be turned on by naked bodies either. I don’t think that is fair or realistic.”
Or true. I just don’t want to be involved with a man who thinks it’s fine to separate body from person, and use that body for sexual pleasure.
Selena 40
What I find unfathomable is Trixie has known this man for 18 years; he’s leaving a great job to move to be with her (in this economy); they are buying a house together and apparently trying to conceive and YET she can’t even bring herself to talk to him about a poster he had hanging, in his closet, as a single guy, she finds objectionable. WTF???
I think the lack of ability to communicate is far and away the more serious problem than a poster hanging out of site. I think Trixie better stay on birth control until she learns how talk to this man about things that bother her. And he’s better off keeping his job and staying put until she does.
tya 41
Just DONT WORRY ABOUT IT, EVERY HUMAN HAS DIFFERENT VIEWS, ITS NATURAL FOR A FEMALE NOT TO LIKE THAT BEHAVIOUR EVEN FOR A MALE. The poster is miner as long as he never thought anything unecessary of it. I HAVE BEEN WITH MY BF FOR 7 YEARS AND HE KNOWS HE CANNOT EVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT. IF HE LOVES ME HE SHOULD VALUE ME! WE DONT HAVE TO HAVE SEX EVERYDAY BUT AS LONG AS IT HAPPENS WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT. MEN DO ANNOYING THINGS HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU LOOK AT WHEN WALKING THROUGH TOWN NOT EVEN REALISING THEIR MEN. JUST LET HIM KNOW THAT THAT BEHAVIOUR ISNT RIGHT OR FAIR. SPEAK TO HIMMM BEFORE ITS TOO LATE.
Sayanta 42
But Evan- the sky is red. At sunset.
Sayanta 43
like I’ve said before- men like playmates/models, etc. etc. Women like rock stars.
PaperTowels 44
You can drift his attention by doing something special. Put on something sexy that you normally don’t do. This will surprise him and completely throw him off of his feet. Capturing his attention is very important in a relationship. Keep his attention by showing him what hot and sexy is. If you do it enough constantly, he will eventually just only be attracted to you only.
http://www.angrypms.com
Sonia 45
There’s something very simple that I think guys should consider, and it will help with many (though not all) their arguments with women over other nude women:
We know that you’re going to ogle other women, nude or not. We just wish you would look at us (your GF/SO/wife) with the same obvious appreciation.
Think about it. If your tongue’s hanging out of your mouth, and you keep touching your pants, and we have the misfortune of hearing you say to your friend on the phone, “There was this good-looking chick I saw the other day…” and meanwhile we’re standing there after having put on makeup, shaved, wearing that perfume we thought you like, plus exposing a little cleavage, and with all the immediate chores done… Why WOULDN’T you appreciate the effort that the real life woman in your life put in for you? Why would you make her feel second place? Why wouldn’t you instead look your wife up and down when she enters a room and then say, “Come here, you,” and show her just how hot you are for her?
‘What about the good-looking chick who’s standing right in front of you?’ most of us would think. And then later when you ask us why we’re sad, we say ‘Nothing’ because we’re told that if it bothers us that you ogle them instead of us, then we’re insecure. And that admitting insecurity is a turn-off, instead of seen as being honest.
It hurts a lot less that you’re visually fucking her (not to say it doesn’t still hurt, especially if you’re rubbing it in our faces), if you’ve already made your wife feel like she’s the hottest girl in the whole world. Try it sometime: we’ll feel a lot less like you “settled” for us, and more like you “won” us. That’s how more of us should feel.
…Along with a healthy dose of, “We chose to be won.”
Anon 46
It is totally off the mark for the first posted reply to say ‘this ones’ on you’ to Trixie who asked the original question.
That is lamely saying that Trixie needs to shoulder her boyfriends concerns and dismiss his behaviour. No it is not okay to objectify women and as soon as society gets a grip on that, the better for all relationships accross the globe.
Women are to be treasured in a relationship.
Anon 47
Evan your replies are actually quite sick making to a healthy attractive successful woman. I mean this in the nicest possible way as I hope you will take my feedback on board when you are coaching women.
Your job to coach women -should you continue in this field, comes with the responsibility of attaining some real wisdom, not simply to try and offer what you think is the median male perspective.
It is not wise to tell a woman that nude posters and objectification of women is okay. It is better to stand up be a strong make role model and “say okay you know what, women need to be treasured and that means that men need to check their behaviour before entering into long term commitments, and during relationships and marriages.” This means saying no to nude posters.
Case in point it is upsetting to any women who comes accross one as she knows it is wrong and hopes that behaviour will not be there in the first place so she does not have to have her romance spoiled and ‘mother’ and train her boyfriend into some proper behaviour.
Anon 48
I must say Evan that it is clear by your marketing that you are putting the entire owness on women to please men. That is very sexist and old fashioned nobody wants to see this. I hope this message changes.