Do you have friends in common? They might know his backstory, if you really want to know the answer.

Why would you use a number as a gauge as to when to sleep with someone? Why would you not want to fan the romantic flames by holding out as long as you could until neither of you could stand it any longer?

Do you feel as though you have to offer him sex in order to keep him interested in you? Have you asked yourself that question? Do you really want to know the answer?

There are also other ways, if you take the time to think about it and are willing to be creative, to get the backstory on this guy. Do you really want to know the answer?

I think you see the common thread here. I think you may have a lot more information than you’re willing to admit to yourself.

(A good friend once told me people tell you everything you want to know about them within the first few minutes you meet them, if you ask the right questions.)

I have four last questions for you:

Have you asked the right questions?

Are you willing to ask the right questions?

What are you doing with the information you already have?

What are you going to do once you get the rest of the information you say you’re looking for?

In another post Evan mentioned that the time to have sex with a man is not based on a number, but how you feel about him. When you feel that he wants to have sex with you — and not just sex — then it’s the right time.

I’ve thought about your question of how do you get the 411 on what he really wants. I think what it really comes down to is do you like the way he treats you? Does he treat you like he really likes you and cares about you? When a guy likes a woman, he wants to do things for her — not necessarily big things but little things…little things that sometimes women dismiss as a man just being polite. For example, I went on a date and drove quite a distance to go dancing. After we danced, my date asked me if he could make me coffee for my ride home or if I wanted to him to talk to me on the phone during my ride home. Little things like that means a guy cares about you. So look for those little things because they really do mean something important. Do you feel that you really can be yourself with him? Do you really like him and does his behavior seem real and authentic around you? If yes, to those questions, that’s a really good sign that he could want a long term relationship with you. Finally, when you feel ready, you should just come right out and tell him what having sex means to you and ask him if it means the same to him. At the end of the day, it all comes down to trust –do you trust that this man has your best interest at heart and you have his best interests at heart — honesty — be upfront with yourself about what you want to give and receive from him/a relationship — and courage — the boldness to ask for what you want and be prepared to walk away if he wants something different.

I just started dating a guy I met online, and the relationship has been subtly sexual from the start. I think we both knew from the moment we met that we could have jumped in the sack together, but I am making him wait and being very clear about it. I have my suspicions that he’s a bit of a player, but I can’t figure out if he’s playing indefinitely or if he’s just playing until he finds a keeper. He claims to have had several long (4+ years) relationships in recent past and says he hasn’t slept with anyone in a year. I call BS on the last part, but having had dry spells myself, I guess I need to determine the truth. If he really is tiring of all the bull that comes with frequent casual sex, great. If he’s giving me a line, then I need to decide if I can live with being a booty call or I need to bail. Now the questions are: 1) when and how to get the real 411; 2) how long do I hold out before sleeping with him (I usually see somewhere between dates 4-7 as the magic number); and 3) do I make him hold out longer if I’m convinced he is a player, since the chase is more important? Will waiting an extra couple of dates even matter?

I took a look at the link; the author has more than one theory there (some of which I agree with and are germane to the conversation here).

It may take a minute for me to get back here on all that.

Plus, the more you talk, the more I’m sure I wouldn’t want to get anywhere near your balls.

:rolleyes:

Seth: Most sincere congratulations. On having guts and nuance, and best of luck for your relationship to bloom.

@m: Are you still busting my balls? I’m always interested in what women want. That’s part of my job. Also, stop rolling your eyes at me.

I am the Seth from the blog entry. Just thought everyone might be interested to hear how things turned out – it’s been about 1 month since I initially sent Evan that email.

My girlfriend and I are still going strong. We became intimate less than a week after I wrote that note, and it has been very passionate since then. She has opened up to me a lot more and is very thoughtful and caring. We are very compatible in a lot of ways, too. She is such a great girl, and I feel like I’ve become a better guy since I’ve met her. We are actually planning to take a little weekend trip in a few weeks!

Just to add to this discussion, I think every situation has nuances, and it’s impossible to figure things out unless you really understand the other person. I completely agree with Evan, having the courage to broach sensitive topics has been crucial more than once in my relationship.

Just wanted to thank Evan for his help, and I wish Brian the best of luck with his lady.

Seth

And, yet, I think we do pretty well talking about our feelings because we work at it. And, sometimes, it is just that…work.