So when you have sex, you feel closeness and feelings … which you love.

But you believe when men have sex, they are purely focused on your body, and paying no attention to the closeness and the feelings?

You assume that men are somehow vastly different than you, that they’re engaging in sex on a purely superficial level. Have you considered the possibility that you’re completely misreading what’s going on in men’s minds? Have you considered that the flaw might not lay in men’s attitude toward sex, but in your attitude toward men?

M said: (#91)
“while I love how guys always get so happy after, it just adds on to the fact that I feel like we just– excuse me– I just satisfied his body.”

Has it occurred to you that the man might be happy because he just made you feel amazing?

M said: (#91)
“After sex, I feel embarrassed.”
“I feel like we just– excuse me– I just satisfied his body. It makes me feel like a whore.”
“I feel dirty, wrong, and I feel like it was a mistake.”

As a man I would never want to have sex with anyone who shares your attitude. Let me draw an analogy that might explain why:

It’s Christmas. You receive a wonderful gift from a friend of yours -and- that friend is thrilled with the gift you gave him/her. You’d be happy, right? You would feel amazing.

When I have sex with my girlfriend, we are both giving a gift to each other. Unlike you, we are both capable of receiving the gift in the spirit that it was given. And I can’t claim that’s because we “took it slow”. We first had sex less than one week after we started dating (though we had been acquaintances for months prior).

M said: (#91)
“So ya, guys, not all girls hold out on physical things because they’re not feelin you.”

I hardly find it reassuring that an alternate explanation is that the woman might have significant issues with sex. That seems like a bigger red flag to me.

I’m also reminded of something I read once how sex is to women what marriage is to men. Granted, some women can have sex and walk away, not get emotionally involved, etc. But I believe a good many women want to know that it’s emotionally safe (as well as physically) to allow herself to be that vulnerable to a man.

Oh plus, while I love how guys always get so happy after, it just adds on to the fact that I feel like we just– excuse me– I just satisfied his body. It makes me feel like a whore.

So ya, guys, not all girls hold out on physical things because they’re not feelin you.

Do you have friends in common? They might know his backstory, if you really want to know the answer.

Why would you use a number as a gauge as to when to sleep with someone? Why would you not want to fan the romantic flames by holding out as long as you could until neither of you could stand it any longer?

Do you feel as though you have to offer him sex in order to keep him interested in you? Have you asked yourself that question? Do you really want to know the answer?

There are also other ways, if you take the time to think about it and are willing to be creative, to get the backstory on this guy. Do you really want to know the answer?

I think you see the common thread here. I think you may have a lot more information than you’re willing to admit to yourself.

(A good friend once told me people tell you everything you want to know about them within the first few minutes you meet them, if you ask the right questions.)

I have four last questions for you:

Have you asked the right questions?

Are you willing to ask the right questions?

What are you doing with the information you already have?

What are you going to do once you get the rest of the information you say you’re looking for?

In another post Evan mentioned that the time to have sex with a man is not based on a number, but how you feel about him. When you feel that he wants to have sex with you — and not just sex — then it’s the right time.

I’ve thought about your question of how do you get the 411 on what he really wants. I think what it really comes down to is do you like the way he treats you? Does he treat you like he really likes you and cares about you? When a guy likes a woman, he wants to do things for her — not necessarily big things but little things…little things that sometimes women dismiss as a man just being polite. For example, I went on a date and drove quite a distance to go dancing. After we danced, my date asked me if he could make me coffee for my ride home or if I wanted to him to talk to me on the phone during my ride home. Little things like that means a guy cares about you. So look for those little things because they really do mean something important. Do you feel that you really can be yourself with him? Do you really like him and does his behavior seem real and authentic around you? If yes, to those questions, that’s a really good sign that he could want a long term relationship with you. Finally, when you feel ready, you should just come right out and tell him what having sex means to you and ask him if it means the same to him. At the end of the day, it all comes down to trust –do you trust that this man has your best interest at heart and you have his best interests at heart — honesty — be upfront with yourself about what you want to give and receive from him/a relationship — and courage — the boldness to ask for what you want and be prepared to walk away if he wants something different.

I just started dating a guy I met online, and the relationship has been subtly sexual from the start. I think we both knew from the moment we met that we could have jumped in the sack together, but I am making him wait and being very clear about it. I have my suspicions that he’s a bit of a player, but I can’t figure out if he’s playing indefinitely or if he’s just playing until he finds a keeper. He claims to have had several long (4+ years) relationships in recent past and says he hasn’t slept with anyone in a year. I call BS on the last part, but having had dry spells myself, I guess I need to determine the truth. If he really is tiring of all the bull that comes with frequent casual sex, great. If he’s giving me a line, then I need to decide if I can live with being a booty call or I need to bail. Now the questions are: 1) when and how to get the real 411; 2) how long do I hold out before sleeping with him (I usually see somewhere between dates 4-7 as the magic number); and 3) do I make him hold out longer if I’m convinced he is a player, since the chase is more important? Will waiting an extra couple of dates even matter?

I took a look at the link; the author has more than one theory there (some of which I agree with and are germane to the conversation here).

It may take a minute for me to get back here on all that.