Why Doesn’t My Boyfriend Tell Me That He Loves Me?
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I have been dating a guy for over eight months now. At the start he told me he was looking for a long term relationship. He has yet to tell me he loves me. For his birthday last month, I signed the card "love". He gave me a thank you card after and signed the card "love". He does talk about me being in his life in the future. So why hasn’t he told me that he loves me? I thought it was the man who was supposed to tell the woman first.
Sabella
Dear Sabella,
This reminds me of my list of 10 Secrets About Men:
Saying "I love you" is a major step in a man’s life. That’s why we wait for you to take that step first.
Yes, it’s a joke, but like most jokes, it’s wrapped in a great deal of truth. So why would a guy not say that he loves you?
Let me count the ways:
1) He’s not expressive. Men aren’t taught to share their feelings, blahblahblah. Do you buy this for even a second? I don’t. Everybody knows that women want to hear "I love you". So what the hell is they guy waiting for? Armageddon?
2) The Chump Problem, My "Why You’re Still Single" co-author,
3) He doesn’t love you. Or perhaps he’s not sure if he loves you. Either way, at this point, your feelings are stronger than his. This has to sting a little bit, but that’s the risk you take when you declare your love first.
Then again, that’s the risk anyone takes when taking any bold action. A guy can go to a bar and gawk at cute girls, but until he risks being rejected and feeling foolish, nothing’s gonna happen. High risk, high reward. That’s the stakes of the love game.
So what does this mean for you? Well, first of all, you learned a valuable lesson: it’s not the man’s job to say, "I love you" first. Especially if he doesn’t mean it. After all, it’s a bit of a dated cliche that a guy says "I love you" in order to get laid. These days we sleep together way before "I love you". Thus "I love you" instead marks a turning point in the relationship. "Are we serious? Or are we just passing time?" A man who says "I love you", willingly!, is indicating that he’s serious about a future. …
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75 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice
Kat Wilder 1
I dated a man for about a year although we both knew, because of life situations, we were not going to be together forever. He never said he loved me (although one morning after some passionate sex, I blurted out the fateful three words. Because I meant it), but he didn’t have to, really; I knew by how he treated me, the way he was with me, that he loved me (or at least had very loving feelings toward me). After we split, he told me he loved me.
For some men, those words don’t come easily, if at all. But if he talks of a future with you, if he treats you with love and respect and compassion (and passion!), I think that pretty much says it all.
Waiting 2
The stock is too risky, forget every month, every day that goes by, you become more vested in things working out and the strength to say “enough is enough” diminishes. I waited 2 years and FINALLY woke up one morning and packed my stuff and left. If he didn’t love me by then, he never would… Only for him to come crying on my doorstep, roses at work, diamond earrings and the words I wanted to hear for 2 years a few weeks later! A proposal followed shortly there after…
But do you really want to be with that kind of guy. The guy that makes you wait if he really does love you and if he doesn’t, enough said.
That stocks too risky and unless you’re 18 and have plenty of time to “hold” it. I’d pick a new one…
SueC 3
This is the problem with the way relationships go these days. We become intimate way too soon; become comfortable as a ‘couple’. Women being women we think of things like emotions and feelings. Men just don’t because they don’t have to. Women need the security of knowing where they stand. At several points in a relationship you have to take stock, find out where each of you stands and decide if continuing on is in your own best interest. In a healthy, mature relationship this is easily done. When partners don’t communicate their state of mind, it can be hard and a big risk.
JimmyE 4
There’s a lot of comments on blogs such as this along the lines of
“It’s men’s job to ask women out, pay for dates, initiate sex, say i love you first etc.”
By this logic, do women have any things in a relationship that it’s there job to do?
btw, despite how it might come across, i don’t intend this as a rhetorical question.
Markus 5
I’ll never say it first again. Evan, I ONLY disagree with you in that her signing “love” on a card is not nearly as risky as the 3 words. So he might still be scared. That said, the chump factor is massive. I’ll never do it again. Like Jerry Seinfeld said, “if you don’t get the return, that’s a big matzo ball hangin’ out there”.
Marc F. 6
If he ain’t saying it, he probably ain’t feeling it. You already said it so it’s not like he needs to be afraid of the Seinfeldian Matzo ball hanging out there that Markus referred to. Writing it on a card is the easiest thing in the world. Means nothing.
downtowngal 7
Markus, just because one woman didn’t reciprocate doesn’t mean that another wouldn’t. It sucks but it’s a risk and that’s what you have to do if you want someone in your life.
I disagree that a women should have to say it first – the beginnings of a relationships the guy is supposed to impress the woman to win her affections. If she makes it too easy for him he’ll get complacent too soon and the relationship will fizzle. Guys, you can disagree with me all you want but the truth is that once you meet a gal you’re crazy about let’s face it – you’d do anything to win her over. And that’s how we know you’re into us and when we start reciprocating. If we start first we’ll just be too easy for you and you won’t respect us. Say all you want about equal rights and equal pay but the mating game took years to evolve.
Same thing with saying ‘I love you’. I know with some guys it does take longer bu like Marc F. said, if he’s feeling it he will say it. or express it somehow in a meaningful way – not just sign a card ‘love’.
BeenThruTheWars 8
My husband used words like “girlfriend” “commitment” “exclusive” — but hadn’t said the three classic words at the three month mark. He would say to his cat in front of me things like, “Why is it so hard for me to tell her I love her?” in a light manner, but I knew he was semi-serious. So even though it “goes against my religion” to say it first, since he virtually had said it already anyway, one night I murmured to him, “I do love you.” And he immediately said it back. I could tell it was a big relief. Turns out he had never said those three words to a woman before and meant it, and because he did mean it with me, for some reason it was really hard to get out (life milestone and all that). He proposed three months later. So Evan knows whereof he speaks. If you haven’t heard the words aloud by the nine month mark, go ahead and be the one to say it first. If you don’t hear it back immediately, then you know what you have to do.
Selena 9
I agree signing a card “love” doesn’t mean much. Think about it–how would signing a card “fondly” come across to someone you’re sleeping with? Not very well.
So, signing a card doesn’t mean he loves you.
Talking in terms of the future, but not actually planning one, doesn’t mean he loves you either.
I’ve always known by 3 months if I loved the person I was dating or not, and they had always said the words by then…Or not. 8 months? Seems a long time to go without the love declarations. In fact, it sounds like someone comfortable just the way things are–only semi-serious.
If you want something more than semi-serious, I think it’s time to speak up and say so. Start by looking into the man’s eyes and saying “I love you”. If he doesn’t say it back, then you know it’s time to sell the stock unless you’re content being only semi-serious indefinetly.
Li-Ann 10
I had quite a few relationships through my twenties. In every case, the man said “I love you” within about 2 months. I, of course, was waiting and hoping for this, but held back. When I occasionally did blurt something out too soon – not I love you, but other things, I always regretted it. It is a shame it works that way, but if a woman utters too much, too soon, it turns the man off.
As for the card, I wouldn’t read too much into it. I remember reviewing and reviewing correspondence from a boyfriend, trying to read something into it. Sometime the person in love just wants to see everything as a sign he loves you. But things can change, even within a day or two. I’ve had correspondence full of love and other such sentiments, only to never hear from the guy again.
If he takes much longer, I would say that it unfortunately is because he isn’t sure. In the case of men who I knew did love me, they didn’t take longer than 2 months to express it. Now, I apologize if I’m going beyond your question here, but …I founde that the engagement ring would follow within 6 months to a year. A lot of women wait, but women just don’t sadly have the time to wait that long. Men can stand to wait – their options don’t plunge so quickly as a woman’s. Men are often considered desirable and distinguished in the 40s, while most men won’t even consider asking for a woman over 40 in their online profiles. If you are going to wait around over 3 years for a proposal, and the man is pretty clear you are expecting it, then you may just be dealing with someone who doesn’t want a commitment in that way.
I had a friend who lived with a man 5 years, waiting for a marriage proposal. She was model like, the guy she was with was short, pudgy, employed only part of the time, and had an unpleasant personality. Didn’t matter – he just strung her on for years. Finally she had to give him the ultimatum, secretly praying he’d come begging with a proposal. He didn’t. Luckily she was only 26 when she ended it.
downtowngal 11
Li-Ann, your logic applies to women of ANY age – if a guy is into you and is serious about wanting to be with you he’ll express it. And he’ll know within the first couple of months. I’m in my late 30′s and have had the same types of experiences as I did during my 20′s. And I have friends older than I who got married after 6 months of meeting someone.
NO woman should have to wait around for any guy if she’s not getting what she wants. It’s not a ‘biological clock ticking’ thing, it’s reality. If a guy is serious he’ll show it. And if you want that from him and he’s not giving it to you then don’t allow him to waste your time.
Think about it if the tables were turned – would any guy really put up with a situation where he’s not getting what HE wants? so as women why should we?
Selena 12
I’m perplexed by the whole idea of waiting any amount of years for a proposal. It’s been my experience that when you’ve become serious with each other, after some time you naturally discuss possible marriage TOGETHER in terms of the future. You might reasonably not want to marry within first year of knowing each other, but after a year or so, it seems odd that the subject wouldn’t ever come up–even if it is to say one or the other of you aren’t sure. And waiting 3 yrs. or more for a proposal? I don’t get it, unless you started dating the person when in your teens.
Shipwreck 13
If a guy doesn’t say he loves you, it’s not because he doesn’t. It’s because of all the connotations associated with ‘love’. He may have been heartbroken once before and therefore is scared to admit he loves you…it’s not that he doesn’t, it’s just that he doesn’t want to say it. I wouldn’t stress about it.
Steve 14
JimmyE Dec 13th 2007 at 11:06 am 4
Theres a lot of comments on blogs such as this along the lines of
Its mens job to ask women out, pay for dates, initiate sex, say i love you first etc.
By this logic, do women have any things in a relationship that its there job to do?
btw, despite how it might come across, i dont intend this as a rhetorical question.
I noticed that nobody answered this question. I am not surprised. I tried to think of how I would answer it as either a man or a woman.
m 15
JimmyE, let me see if I can say this without sounding snarky (just like you didn’t want your question to sound rhetorical).
You ask, in short, whether it’s “always up to the man” to take steps to move a relationship forward.
It sounds a bit like you’re angry and resentful because you feel that men are doing all the work.
However, despite time pressures (biological clock, you all — men — describing over-21 women as “old hags”, blah blah) in our current society that women face that men don’t, women are shoved JUST AS HARD into the “Don’t Act” box as men are into the “Must Act” box.
Women have to SIT and WAIT for men to take risks — all the while taking the risk — in the face of the time pressures stated above — that you WON’T take the risk to invest effort in relationships with us.
And for the most part, we have to do that sitting and waiting because doing ANYTHING ELSE spooks you all and then you run off like scared rabbits.
And then we’ve wasted all that time in a relationship with you and have to start over with someone else.
Sitting and waiting, when you’d rather take action to move something along, is just a different kind of effort.
(Remember when you were waiting for the offer for your current job, and you wished they’d hurry up and get on with it, and you wanted to call them up 70 times and tell them so, but you knew then they’d perceive you as desperate and withhold or withdraw the offer, so you sat on your hands and waited but you gritted your teeth the whole time???)
Since men and women are in fact different, we have different kinds of pressures on us when it comes to forming relationships.
But trust me, it’s JUST as hard.
m 16
Steve, you’re so impatient.
downtowngal 17
Steve, a woman’s ‘job’ is to be happy and make the guy feel like he’s #1; a man’s job is to make the woman happy.
As indicated earlier, when a woman makes the first move, many guys view this as a turnoff. Guys like to feel as if they’re in control. Say all you want but if a woman tries too hard in the beginning or is too forward it’s not going to work.
Selena 18
Yes, our job seemingly is to sit and wait patiently, as we are taught (or learn from experience) that if we try to be assertive when it comes to dating we may be perceived as too needy, too pushy, or too controlling.
Women are a bit more likely these days to do some of the “firsts” in dating, but many of us are hesitatant out of fear of pushing the guy away.
You could also say “our job” is to look as good as possible. We tend to spend alot more $$ than men on things like clothes, shoes, accessories, hair, make-up, manicures, pedicures, jewelry because if we don’t, we are perceived as plain, uncaring about our appearance, or downright slovenly.
Weight is another one of our jobs. Maintaining a slender body requires a good bit of deprivation and often more exercise than we would prefer to do. It’s alot easier to be comfortably round, but again so many men view that as plain, uncaring about our apearance, or downright slovenly.
Steve 19
m Dec 17th 2007 at 06:42 pm 16
Steve, youre so impatient.
LOL!
m…., I like what you had to say. The job analogy was a good one. It seems that both sexes have a dirty end of the stick in dealing with the mating game. I remember reading a Ray Bradbury story as a kid, “Frost & Fire” where people were born, matured, had their life, grew old and died within 7 days. They would just look at someone and knew if that person was destined to be their mate, friend, enemy etc. That sure would be convenient for dating and avoiding the battle of the sexes, wouldn’t it?
downtowngal Dec 17th 2007 at 07:07 pm 17
Steve, a womans job is to be happy and make the guy feel like hes #1; a mans job is to make the woman happy.
Downtown Gal;
Just to be clear, I did not ask that question, but I liked your answer anyway. If the greeting card industry can create/promote Valentine’s Day into what is, maybe they can use their power to create a once a year “Christmas Time Truce” for the battle of the sexes, especially for singles. Just go out, meet someone, they don’t you BS, you don’t give them BS, everyone just enjoys everyone else’s company.
Okay, time to get off of the crack and get back to work
Fruity 20
Ok, I have read over everything people have said and I have to tell you that we are in a messed up, game playing society that puts more emphasis on good sex making the relationship work than love. If he hasn’t said it, you can’t force him to. If he doesn’t want to, you can’t make him. Instead of complaining about why he hasn’t said it, maybe you should ask him when there is a good time to talk. Sit him down and say “I love you and want to know where you stand.” In my experience with this approach he will probably clam up, say “I love being around you. But I want to take things one day at a time.” No matter how long it has been, that is how most guys think. They don’t get why we feel the need to know everything. We are born to nest and feel we need to make sure our plans to nest work with our mans plans to just be. Thus we start freaking out when we haven’t heard those three little words by a certain ordained point in time that some ridiculous group of people came up with. Just ask him… “Do you love me?” If he freaks out, then he probably doesn’t, if he says yes, then tell him you need to hear it sometimes.
M&M 21
HMM….
) I realise that his was of SHOWING it is different to mine. Watch his actions, his body language (you girls are masters at this). And there you will find what you are looking for.
Straight couples have it so easy and yet they just cant see it. Now I understand where you ladies are comming from becuase I am just as guilty when it comes to wanting to hear those words. I believe this is becuase I am a vocal person, my partner on the otherhand is not. He said it to me very early in the realtionship and I told him to shut up – say it when he means it, feels it, wants to scream it from the hill tops.
That was a little while ago and now he does say it, not as often as i would like (every sentence shouls start and finnish with it
Please remeber that men in our society are often told weather it be direct or not that showing emotion is a no no. We are expected to be the “strong silent type” the men you are dating are lucky enough to have a woman that can help them break down these barriers (slowly slowly or he will run). Can you imagine how difficult it can be with two guys?
I think alot of straight people simply take for granted what society will allow you to do with no fear of reproach. I cannot hold my partners hand or show affection in public – becuase he is not all the way out (as a teacher in an all boys school this could mean the end of his carrer).
Cissy 22
I’ve been dating a man for 12 months and he hasn’t said he loves me but, I have (oops) He has 2 teenage girls and they’ve been difficult in accepting me. There mother is still very much in the picture. She left him 13 years ago for another man. The girls are tough on him (always) but, he doesn’t have a problem saying I love you to his family members? How long should I wait before hitting the road?
Jim 23
downtowngal wrote:
“I disagree that a women should have to say it first – the beginnings of a relationships the guy is supposed to impress the woman to win her affections.”
I disagree that either gender should have to say it first. Actually, at the beginning of a relationship, no one is “supposed” to take an initiative based simply on their gender.
————-
m wrote:
“And for the most part, we have to do that sitting and waiting because doing ANYTHING ELSE spooks you all and then you run off like scared rabbits.”
Quite a generalization/stereotype here. Things like this really depend on the individual person.
————-
downtowngal wrote:
“Steve, a womans job is to be happy and make the guy feel like hes #1; a mans job is to make the woman happy.”
It’s a couple’s job to make each other happy. And no, not every guy is out to have his ego boosted — just as I wouldn’t imagine the same is true in general for women. I’m surprised that some people still cling to such outdated values, or feel that their personal experience applies to everyone.
Patty 24
The guy I have been with for almost 5 yrs, no longer says he loves me, sex is only a memory. I have asked over and over till I have no more tears to shed, as to why. He claims he loves me. He claimed the lack of sex was due to a woman who seduced him and then laughed at him when he was 15 and she was 25. He fears rejection I thought. I praised him, loved him, did everything to prove my love. I never once laughed at him. He got drunk and finally made love to me but the next morng he had no clue what even happened per say. He has no problem looking at other females. He gets mad when another man pays any attention to me. It is like he doesnt want me but doesnt want anyone else to have me either. He has left me several times and come home with hateful comments like I got laid, If you think your the best your crazy. I even caught him picking up a hooker but again he pleaded black out. How can a man switch so fast from being a loving man to ignoring completely. He will talk about the future and us being together. I gave up talking about sex period. Ppl says put a video on to excite him but I feel if I cant excite him to the point of making love then why should he watch a movie and then act out fantasies because of the video and not because of me. Like I am just there to please him. ?
starthrower68 25
Well, now this is a conundrum, isn’t it? On the one hand, per another post by Evan, when a man says one thing and behaves in a contradictory manner, he was “just being in the moment”. Ok, fair enough. But does that mean you put any stock in it when he says it? By the same token, if he says it too quickly, you’ve probably got another issue on your hands, because you know it’s not sincere (yes, yes, there are exceptions).
I also see the point that it’s not the “job” of the man or the woman to say it first; but I’m not sure I want to be the first one to say it, because then it feels like I’m the “pursuer” at that point. And it does seem that once the woman says it first, things start to head south from there (again, I know there are exceptions).
snwgrl 26
Sometimes I just am not sure really what this deal is.. I have dated guys in the past that I was more distant from and they gave the “I love you” within a couple of months.. and always cards and flowers and very sweet. and in turn I am very sweet to them..
.. Now I am seeing someone I am actually into and he seems into me (from what I can tell). We have been dating a few months and nothing is stated in the way of “I love you”.. OK, so it is still early on and I can have some patience but only so much cause I am not wasting my time or his..
But what kinda blew me away is that for xmas he got me a Victoria’s gift card which was very nice but no card or anything of true sentiment, not even a little card for the bag and I knew he went shopping for cards for others (probably family).. and the gift card really is more for him than me when it comes to Victoria’s… I have given him a couple cards since we started dating including christmas but nothin really in return.. and I am not stating the “I Love You” if he is not on the same page.. and after not getting a card or something of sentiment? well
I can’t tell if he is just not that way but he did make efforts to go get cards for others while he was shopping..
At this point I already feel that I have put more into this and should probably back off a bit.. I really don’t want a guy that can’t put his emotion out there if I am going to put it on the line.. might as well be alone!! my girl and guy friends give more heart than that!
No Love? No Sentiment? No Heart? He acts like he really is into this relationship…
snwgrl
starthrower68 27
Snwgrl,
Well, you could refer back to the post in which Evan says, “sit back and do nothing”. Watch and see what he does. If he behaves as though he’s into the relationship, that’s probably worth more than words.
Snwgrl 28
Heck if I have to wonder then there is really nothing to “sit Back” and wait for. If a guy doesn’t have the ability or want to make a woman feel as if he is into the relationship or leaves her guessing.. well that speaks for itself.. and at that point it is a waste of my time to give up on others would enjoy my company and treat me with more respect and decency.. I really like this guy no doubt, but to put my emotion out there and not get enuf in return? that is a waste of my emotion and time and both are precious to me.. Thanks for your advice but heck if I am sitting around waiting for reassurance from a guy that pulled me into this relationship. Single works for me!! Does waste my time keep coming up?? yup… if anything I have learned is life is just to short for bs.
snwgrl..
starthrower68 29
Snwgrl, I see where you are coming from, but I think maybe my point wasn’t clear. I’m not saying you “sit back and wait for him”. What Evan said in that post was to watch what the guy does. If you like it, stay. If you don’t, go. Listen, I’m with ya. Cut to the chase. Evidently, though, men don’t work that way. Or I am missing something. Most of the dating/relationship advice I see says women should keep their emotions to themselves until we see how he behaves. I had been working on building a connection with someone who was special to me. I didn’t chase, pursue, do drama or any of that monkey business. I still lived my life, went on with my pursuits. If I did anything wrong, it was to be open about my interest. He’s disappeared. Well, what do you do but forget it and go on with life?
Snwgrl 30
starthrower68
Well I guess sometimes the distance that I showed with this gentleman musta snapped him because he initiated a conversation inquiring what was going and why I was so distant by taking me to dinner and we talked over a bottle of wine.. I shared that I didn’t appreciate not receiving a card and I don’t want to just hang out or I should just be single.. He said he tried to find a card but couldn’t find the right one and doesn’t want to loose us and does have deep emotion but also fears. I am fine with the openess of emotion and fear.. Don’t we all have those fears of being hurt or used or taken for granted? I suppose we learn more if the effort is put forth… and I told him also that I am not going to sit back either.. Either we have something or we don’t!! He does want this relationship and will be more aware of my emotional and mental needs.. and I for him as well…
snwgrl
starthrower68 31
Snwgrl, good for you! That sounds like good news for your relationship! Just as a side joke, there really is someone for everyone. Just watch “My Big Redneck Wedding” on CMT.
nic31 32
I think either way you approach this is hard… you can wait it out and still get nothing in return another 8 months down the line OR you can pressure him into saying something he isn’t authentically ready to say and go ahead and blow it now. It’s a double-edged sword isn’t it? I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He’s only told me he loves me a few times… recently I expressed that I need to hear words of affirmation from him (i.e. I love you) and for him to express his feelings in WORDS. He finally did ONCE, but I pressured him again about it and he got pretty irritated. His explanation for not expressing his feelings is that he just wasn’t raised that way and that he doesn’t put a lot of value on words, but he feels that his actions should be enough to reassure me of his feelings for me – he does SHOW his love through actions. Well, I am a woman with a big heart and I want it ALL!! Actions and words! But, I love him (even though I don’t tell him which I hate b/c I want to tell him every day, but I know it will make him uncomfortable) and I think actions do speak louder than words in the long run. My ex-husband told me he loved me several times a DAY, flowers, cards, you name it… but, he was having an affair, going to strip clubs and addicted to porn at the same time. I guess if I have to choose, I’ll take actions of love rather than empty sentiments. The bottom line is, do you trust him?
A strong womans perspective 33
I’d just like to say, that relationships are not only about perspectives… but also personal standard. I have been in quiet a few relationships, not all for the best. But none the less most were very good men just were not the right ones for me. First off you can try your very best to communicate in a mature and heartfelt manner and hope they get where your coming from, and change whatever it is that needs attention. Honestly… you have 2 choices after this if things dont turn around… You can either wait around hoping that one day your going to get what you need in this relationship and hurt continually until then (which no one should have to endure) or Walk away. I am VERY strong believer that god has a plan everything will work out just the way it’s supposed to…. so if u let go he may or may not come back but atleast u know that pain is only temporary… rather then staying in an unfullfilling relationship. Why be with someone who can’t or won’t offer you what you need… when someone else out there will!!
Snwgrl 34
I think it is so ironic nic31 about what you say about being told all the time that you are loved but by someone who cheated.. I have been with guys that say Im their life and they love me more than any other woman but they were cheaters.. and as I say they, I do mean more than one and one that I was married to.. the others just supposedly committed their love … ha
I think actions are very important but if the words can’t be expressed than the guy is just plain out and out selfish or really doesn’t have the feeling.. yes the word doesn’t mean crap without action but it takes both.. just like it takes two people to make a relationship.. and who has time to wait around wondering if love is really there? Does the guy not really care enough to hold on to say and show love and emotion? Are you there just to fill space and his selfish need for a woman who loves him but no responsibility on his part for emotion? Really as partners both sides need to be connecting and sharing emotion.. if there is nothing after 3-6 months than time is just standing still waiting.. unless you are in the relationship just for kicks, than maybe it is better to jump ship and be open for other opportunities in life.. Life is 2 short to wonder about a relationship and have no security shown. You are better off alone and at least the only question is what is on the agenda today and not what does this man feel for me? does he really love me? Do I stay or go? all said and done.. Maybe a good romance novel into fantasy land would be more fulfilling… lol
I am in the process of testing out my own situation and I am not pushing forward in the relationship unless I have more from the guy I am involved with.. we are only 3 months in to the relationship but after another 3… well I have to make a cutoff of some kind just for my own sanity and self fulfillment. I am good on my own with no commitment and heck if I will be the man or the pursuer in a relationship.. just doesn’t work out well like that most of the time (and yes I have seen exceptions but I don’t think I am willing to take the time or chance)..
So set your own limits and security… he will either be there or not.. and if not.. well it wouldn’t be the first heartbreak for anyone and like I said.. the biggest question of the day would be, “What do I do today”…
snwgrl
Snwgrl 35
another little tidbit..
A friend of mine was recently dating a guy that really didn’t give much in the way of emotion but he held on to her as if something was really there.. well low and behold the guy ended up doing her friend.. now that is worse than not saying I love you and a lesson.. if the guy is not worthy and does not show or express emotion than you are just being played and used to fulfill his male ego and needs..
I know too many women that crave the emotion and just aren’t fulfilled..
The ones that do OK are the ones that have basically set their own standards and live their own life and don’t let a man dictate their happiness based on what emotion he is capable of sharing… Her terms!! Let him earn the emotion instead of the woman trying to push through to emotion.. if he has issues, well that is his problem!! maybe he should get counseling..
Make sure to have a good friend support group that you can get with and find activities that you enjoy that take you to your world and not worrying so much about him and his world…
snwgrl
nic31 36
That is something to think about Snwgrl. Thank you for your words of encouragement. We’ll see how it goes… I’m not giving up on him yet, but the lack of expression has definitely raised a red flag. The problem is, he has always been this way, and now he feels like I am trying to change him, which really is true. HE hasn’t changed, it is me who has changed. As the relationship grows and we get deeper, I want more emotion. So, to him it looks like my demands have changed and my expectations are higher. I think that is natural. It’s called progression. I guess I feel I’ve earned it at this point. Like I said, we’ll see…
Snwgrl 37
Good Luck and I wish you all the best Nic31… if relationships were so easy there would not be so many divorces!! better a breakup than a divorce.. One think I remember in alot of books on troubled relationships (such as women who love too much).. what a man lacks in a relationship b4 marriage or long term will decrease by 50% at least if not more.. So if the dude doesn’t show emotion or love enough now, imagine later when he feels set in the relationship.
Snwgrl
nic31 38
Yikes… that’s a hard reality to swallow. I’v never heard that statistic, but it makes sense. Well, best to you as well. Thanks for the advice; I will carry it with me.
Xavier 39
I got a wacky idea: seeing as how we are no longer living in the Dark Ages, or Saudi Arabia for that matter, maybe you could spring into the 21st century, stop waiting for a guy to do everything for you, and open your fat mouth and say it to him. Maybe he is waiting for you to say it. It’s amazing that we’ve had women in politics, the military, business, sports, etc. yet women like this seem content to play the traditional role.
waiting 40
I’ve read all the posts and I just would like to say that i think alot of people really pull out of a relationship too quickly. I think being too pushy and not willing to wait will also turn a guy off. I too am finding this balance extremely hard.
I have been going out with my bf for 3 years now. Last week before we fell asleep he told me he loved me. I was shocked as it really came out of the blue. . When I mentioned to him and asked him where it came from he really took it like I was doubting him. But I was really just shocked where it came from. He knows that I need that from him but have been upset recently that he is unable to give that to me. I’m waiting a couple more months before I make the decision to leave or not. I feel I’m swaying that way to leave. Anyway now he’s stopped saying he loves me because hes scared that he will be shut down again if he says it. And that I need to earn his trust again…Anyway I flat out asked him if he was saying it because he felt it or if he was saying it because he was trying to make me happy. It was the latter and I got really upset.
I think he honestly wants to make me happy thats why he said it, but he told me before that he would only say he loves someone when that is the person he wants to marry.. But now he’s only said it to me because he wants me to be happy, that or he doesn’t want me to leave…
Its really tricky knowing when you should hold on to something or you should let it go.
Lucy 41
I can’t imagine being in a romantic relationship for 3 YEARS with someone you are unsure loves you. Seriously. Why bother?
waiting 42
He has never said he loves anyone before, he believes that if you love someone that you should marry them – and thats the person you are going to be with for life… He does everything else apart from say that…I have given him an a time limit so when thats up will see…
everyone is different.
Anamika 43
Your Article makes great sense. Most of the time i come across Guys who say the ‘I love you’ too fast or too soon. And majority of times it is said to get the girl to share the bed.
Melli 44
I’ve been with myguy for 2 1/2 years and he still doen’t want to tell me he loves me. He drunkenly said it 1 yr in and then took it back. He’ll say to me “I show you I love you” and I buy it!!! He hates when I say it to him, tells me I don’t have to say it. I’m in that relationship that “talks in terms of the future, but doesn’t plan one”. I think i’m done, I don’t know how much longer I can wait around for someone not to be scared.
Mee 45
be patient maybe your boyfriend is scared of losing what? you guys have. My boyfriend hasnt said it because he says love is forever and he doesnt want to speak to soon. Hes probably not ready, dont pressure him into something he doesnt want to do or isnt ready 4 yet. Wait for him he’ll come around i garantee it. =))
gj227 46
I’m struggling with a lot of the same issues I’ve been reading about here.? My guy is sweet and caring and supportive, he wants to be with me all the time, he makes plans for vacations and dates, he talks about the future like it’s assumed we’ll be together, and I’ve met his family and?his friends…but he doesn’t tell me he loves me, and it’s been almost 8 months.
I was so upset about it this past weekend, I almost broke up with him, just to be done with the angst and misery.? I have been pretending that everything is fine for quite a while, and finally, these past couple of weeks, I just couldn’t do it anymore.
Last night, I asked him point blank, “Do you love me?”? I figured the worst thing that could happen is he would say no, and I would at least be able to move on…Actually, the worst thing is being told that?your guy?is ‘falling in love with you,’ but that he doesn’t want to rush into anything,?as if it’s a painfully slow process you have to patiently babysit.? I feel like I’m being instructed to keep going even further with this painful holding pattern, risking my time being wasted and my heart being broken…again.
I guess I should be happy to receive this partial positive as an answer, but I’m not.? It’s too much like my relationship with my ex, an epic failure that was characterized by the wait and see approach to every question…particularly when it came to love and committment.
And for those of you who are wondering if I said it to him, yes, I’ve blurted it out a couple of times now, and I’m pretty sure he heard it at least once…so, no, I don’t think he’s waiting to hear it from me.?
At least I finally spoke up that it’s bothering me.? I could have simply broken up with him rather than risking such a difficult conversation.? Now, the foundation is laid for me to break up with him in a few weeks.? I haven’t set up an ultimatum or anything, but he knows I’m not? happy, and it shouldn’t come as any great surprise if I can’t live?with these terms indefinitely.
se2010 47
I stumbled across this post while googling “why he won’t say I love you”. I found the comment section even more helpful than the article itself. Now I don’t feel so alone and crazy for wanting to hear those three words.
I’ve been dating a man for eight months now. I adore him. I couldn’t hold back the words three months in. He didn’t return the sentiment and I felt crushed. But I reasoned with myself that three months was actually quite soon and I should give him at least twice as long to fall in love with me. I wasn’t ready to lose him and figured that IF i really did LOVE him, it shouldn’t be conditional. So… no ultimatum yet.
Now, I’m sitting at the eight month mark and still no words of affection. He doesn’t even say “You’re beautful”, ”pretty”… or any other such physical compliment. I’ve heard he likes my feet, my hair and of course my tatas. But… what about my face? Am I being unreasonable here? I even got “You know I “L” you.” Yes, he used only the letter “L“. What gives? He’s not fifteen years old for crying out loud. This man is in his forties. Give me a break!
I’ve started to feel like we’re best friends rather than lovers. Honestly, I have enough friends.
I told him that I need to hear it… and maybe a few compliments thrown in for good measure. He said, “I’m sorry, I’m just cold. That’s how I am.” “Well, I just have self respect… that’s how I AM.” I’m not going to put up with the “cold” bull***t any longer. Yes, I’m angry! I’m angry because I’ve just wasted eight months rather than three. My time is precious.
I think we all have to decide for ourselves. Just how long are we going to wait? When truly, honestly… deep down we know beyond a shadow of doubt that IF it were TRUE, we wouldn’t have to beg to hear it. He would be dying to tell me. Although I’m forty now and time and my looks are slowly running out, I know there is someone out there capable of falling in love with me. Someone who doesn’t think his d*** would fall off he says so.
Karl R 48
se2010 said: (#47)
“I even got ‘You know I “L” you.’ Yes, he used only the letter ‘L‘.”
“I told him that I need to hear it… and maybe a few compliments thrown in for good measure. He said, ‘I’m sorry, I’m just cold. That’s how I am.’ ”
Either one of those statements would make me strongly consider leaving. And I agree that the first one sounds particularly immature.
se2010 asked: (#47)
“I’ve heard he likes my feet, my hair and of course my tatas. But… what about my face? Am I being unreasonable here?”
Maybe.
I don’t know you, so I’ll have to engage in some speculation. I’ve dated a few women who were below average attractiveness. This tends not to be an issue for me, because I’ll focus on specific features of theirs which I do find attractive. And some features may not matter to him. I’m not into feet, so you’ll never hear me compliment a woman about her feet.
If you expect him to lie to you, I’ll have to say that’s unreasonable. If you’d like him to be more generous with the compliments, that seems a bit more reasonable.
Giving compliments is a learned habit. It makes my girlfriend feel good about herself when I do it, it improves the relationship, and it doesn’t cost a thing.
Kenley 49
Se2010,
Before you right this guy off, read Five Love Languages — or something like that. The basic point of the book is that people express love in different ways. The way you express love just may not be the way he does. If he treats you well in other ways, perhaps that’s what is going on. He has a different way of saying I love. The problem is if he is speaking a language you don’t understand, you will misread it.
Unfortunately for me, I read this book after I broke up with a boyfriend, but it helped explain soooo many things about his needs and my needs. And if I knew then what I know now, I would not have been so annoyed with him for not navigating the world the way I do.
starthrower68 50
Kenley,
While I think that is a good book to help us understand others, I must respectfully disagree that SE should stay any longer. When a relationship becomes more upsetting and frustrating than edifying and uplifting, it’s time to let it go. I suspect SE’s fella was/is quite satisfied to keep the status quo. It requires nothing of him. If he says he’s cold, that is not likely to change. Evan has said time and time again that if a woman doesn’t like what’s going on then she should leave the situation. Now, that having been said, we all have different thresholds of tolerance for things. Sadly, for SE, it could very well be that said bf might just all of the sudden warm up and be openly emotional with a different woman. It sucks, it’s not fair, but it is what it is. If I were SE, I would make a clean break and move on to a man that is crazy about her. If a man is truly over the moon about a woman, he will make sure she knows.
Kenley 51
The question is does he ACT like he doesn’t love her. I’d prefer to have a guy who never says those words but demonstrates that he does over and over through his deeds and overall treatment of me versus one who says he loves me all the time and treats me like crap — which we know happens ALL the time. The question she needs to ask herself is HOW does he treat her, not just does he simply say words that can be hollow if not followed up with consistently loving behavior. What if she is so focused on the words and overlooking the behavior. That’s all I was suggesting — nothing more nothing less. It would take her a day or two to read the book and get new insights. I guess if I adored someone, one more day wouldn’t make a difference. It’s not as if she said the guy was cheating on her or belittling her and doing anything bad. Frankly, I think the fact that she says she needs to get out there and get a guy because her looks are fading suggests to me that perhaps she is a tad bit insecure. When a woman is insecure, a man can never do enough to make her feel content because when you don’t love yourself, you don’t really believe that other people can love you. She’s got to do it herself. She’s got to believe the only person in the world who HAS to love her is her and getting love from anyone else is a delightful bonus. Just my two cents.
cynthia 52
ive been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. he has said he loved me on his own like 5 times. he isnt affectionate or he does not express his feelings. in order to get a i love u back i have to say it and sometimes he doesnt even tell me he loves me back. i feel like he is just use to me. we dont go out much anymore he sees me almost everyday and he just boxes himself in my room and watches tv. he doesnt communicate with his friends or his family much. a friend of mine wanted us to join her at a park for a bbq and he wasnt interested. hes always been the quiet type. i need advice on ways to change things around, he is not a approachable guy he has a temper so its not like i can just talk to him. i have been thinking alot on just disappearing and having no contact with him for a few days but before i do leave a email expressing my thoughts and feelings. i know i can do way better but just the thought of having to start over with someone new is exausting.
helpme! 53
i have been dating a guy for a year, and told him i love you. he was in a very serious relationship prior to us dating, and he told me that he rushed to say it the last time, and does not want that to happen again.
a lot of the time when im with him, i feel the urge to say “i love you” but i dont because when i told him, he did not say it back, and said saying i love you is very serious to him.
Karl R 54
helpme! said: (#53)
“i have been dating a guy for a year, and told him i love you. [...] he did not say it back, and said saying i love you is very serious to him.”
Do you wish to continue dating this guy if he does not love you?
If you don’t, then you should do the following: Tell him that you love him, and you understand that he might not feel the same way about you. Then tell him that you don’t want to continue to pursue the relationship with him if this is completely one-sided.
If he loves you, he should take the cue and tell you. If he doesn’t, leave the relationship.
You can’t make him love you. You (presumably) don’t want him to say the words if he doesn’t mean them. You want some clarity as to where you stand with him. Since you’ve been dating for a year, the guy should have some clue about how he feels towards you.
helpme! 55
KARL K – thank you for your insight. Your advice was very helpful, however, i feel as though that will take an awful amount of courage to say – seeing as if he doesnt say it back its over. we have NO relationship problems other than this one thing.
a lot of my friends are surprised to hear that he has yet to say it, since we are so close. what if he says he is just not there yet, but knows that deep down, he can feel those feelings towards me? then what?
Karl R 56
helpme!, (#55)
If your boyfriend doesn’t love you after being in a relationship for one year, than an extra five or ten years won’t change that.
You need to learn whether he loves you or not. (Which is why you need to discuss it with him if he doesn’t say “I love you back.”) Then you’ll know whether another five years would be anything more than a waste of your time.
helpme! 57
Yeah your right. I tried to bring it up today, but the timing was off. He is finishing up school an hour away from where i live in toronto, so the next time he comes in i plan to bring it up. i assume skype is not the way to talk about this or on the phone…
dragonflygirl 58
Wow, I am amazed at how many people out there are feeling just like me. I have been with my bf for a year now and are yet to hear the I love you from him. I asked him one time when we were about 5 months into the relationship at that point he wasnt there yet. He almost “jokes” around the issue by saying things like “i must love you because i cant stay mad at you” and he often refers to my love for him… by asking me to do something for him and saying ” since you love me so much ” He did slip one time a couple months ago as we were both driving away with our windos rolled down he said “see you later babe, love you” but as far as him just telling me he loves me, he doesnt. He has no problem telling his mom, grandma, grandpa, kids, even his long time best friend, he tells them he loves them like the words are going out of style, which is why I feel so confused… if he doesnt have a problem telling the people in his life that he loves them then why does he not say it to me? We have been together one year this month.. we live together and have a great time together….. seems like he should know by now…
Abby 59
My boyfriend hasn’t said I love you after 2 and a half years. But there are reasons why I can understand why he hasn’t. I have done some wrong things in the relationship, and I regret them (not anything like sex with another guy, more like lying about talking to an ex more than once, and not telling him about it. I;ve done this more than once, and for bad reasons) BUT i fully regret them and have tried so hard to prove my trust.
And I understand if he wanted to break up with me for it. But he didn’t.
Now correct me, but if he’s STILL With me after this, it means something. RIght? And if he says, he didn’t think he could love me he wouldn’t be with me.
But 2 and a half years?
None of it adds up.
Abby 60
Oh, and he never compliments me. He talks to me like I’m one of the guys, doesn’t hug, hates to kiss, and you may be asking…is he gay? no definently, not. he loves sex. and you may be asking, are you stupid still being with him? the answer. possibly.
Karl R 61
Abby said: (#59)
“Now correct me, but if he’s STILL With me after this, it means something. RIght?”
It means that you’re his buddy and his booty call, not his girlfriend. This kind of arrangement is usually referred to as “friends with benefits.”
Abby said: (#59)
“you may be asking, are you stupid still being with him?”
As long as you’re comfortable being “friends with benefits,” then you’re fine.
But if you want a real relationship with a boyfriend who loves you, who wants to hug and kiss you … then you’ll need to find a different man to fill that role.
And when your buddy decides that he wants a real relationship with a girlfriend whom he loves, whom he wants to hug and kiss … he’s going to go find a different woman to fill that role. Someone other than you.
Denise 62
#61
Karl is right, hard to hear, but it’s the truth. Better to hear it now and accept the reality and make a decision one way or another, then not recognize what’s really going on and hoping things will change.
Goldie 63
Curious, do guys even say the L word at all anymore? (other than at the end of a phone conversation with an SO: “pick up some milk on the way home, we’re out, have the dinner ready by 7, and clean that house, it looks nasty, okay hun, love you, bye”). I’ve only ever heard one guy use it, and he was a hopeless, 19-century romantic. I mean, the man saw “Titanic” five times and shed tears each time the ship sank… of course, saying “I love you” was nothing to him. But what about everyone else? Is the word in use anymore or is it now an archaism?
Karl R 64
Goldie asked: (#63)
“Curious, do guys even say the L word at all anymore?”
I tell my girlfriend that I love her on a regular basis. The same was true in one previous relationship. In my other relationships, I didn’t tell the women that I loved them, because I didn’t have that strong of feelings toward them.
Goldie said: (#63)
“I’ve only ever heard one guy use it, and he was a hopeless, 19-century romantic.”
I’m relentlessly pragmatic. It makes my girlfriend happy when I tell her that I love her. Our relationship is better when she’s happy. So, I try to make a point to tell her that I love her about once per day.
On the other hand, you’d be unlikely to overhear me telling her unless you have exceptionally good hearing. It’s something that I say privately.
Star 65
Saying “I love you” to the person you truly love is one of the most difficult things to do. I’ve been with my BF for 11 months and neither of us has specifically said the words, “I love you”. He’s said, “You are loved” on several occasions and his actions show me a very high level of love and commitment. I have said, “It’s a good thing you are loved,” in a joking way when he does something silly or we are goofing around. I am ready to tell him those 3 words and every time I get ready to, I completely chicken out. I know I will have to say it first and I’m not concerned for him to say it back immediately. I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT that he loves me.
I think when you have such strong feelings for another person it is SO MUCH HARDER to tell them how you feel. Fear of rejection is unusually high when we are so emotionally invested in a person. But I can tell my cats all the time how much I love them…not that they care…haha
Funny…I was in a relationship with a serial cheater who told me he loved me all the time…later I found out he had another girlfriend the whole time.
In my serious relationships, the words, “I love you” DO NOT come easy for him or for myself. I think men have to be REALLY sure of their feelings or feel their relationship is in jeopardy before they will choke up their true feelings. But I admit that I have been this same way for my 39 female years on this earth.
I guess if the words don’t come very often, they have more meaning than when you hear it every day. Personally, if someone told me they loved me every time I was on the phone with them, I’d start to think it was just a habit with little to no meaning. I’d rather have him tell me at the most intimate and special moments than every day. Maybe I’m a weirdo that way.
Jen 66
Wow…everyone has some good and bad comments regarding this…I am in no way a relationship expert, but from my experience i was with a man for 11 years off and on throughout, whom I have kids’ by and put up with an INCREDIBLE amount of b.s, stress, verbal, and physical abuse. i was told I love you every day, every phone call, hell too much if you ask me!! Thing is..it was said and not really shown in terms of how he treated me or wanted me to be happy. I ended that once and for all a little over 3 years ago and it was the best decision I ever made!!! I took 2 years to fully heal myself and get ME back and when i least expected it, my now boyfriend of 8 months, found me. He made me wait for any serious talk, and showed me the importance of TIME. It can be a very good thing to be patient and wait and to really get to know someone well to decide if they are right for you, other then being attracted to someone physically. There are some men out there that do really take their time with such things, because they aren’t being little boys’ anymore and they want to be sure of a woman. i did indeed tell him i love you first, because I meant it and really felt it…i didn’t expect it to be said back, because i knew if he loves me or comes to love me, he WILL tell me sooner or later with no pressure. I’m so very blessed and lucky he is so patient and has tried his best at being understanding of my womanly ways lol…he made the effort to do so because he really cares about me…He shows how he feels more then he says and literally told me this so I know and don’t “wonder”. He may not have alot, but if i need anything he tries to help in ways he can, he listens to me daily and never judges me or yells or curses ever, i may not be told in the words, but his actions speak volume and I know and feel he loves me and cares deeply. And guess what?? I finally got the I love you!!!
Denise 67
What i don’t understand is why are WE supposed to tolerate it even when WE know that its not good enough, and we were hurt, I’m supposed to sit back and smile calm and respect the fact that I’ve been so left behind. ? I really don’t feel this way - Why do people want to make things all about themselves anyway?
Say it back to yourself than speak to your partner. Is the relationship you even have fair. From my experience there is always one that is doing more or less than the other. And there is one that likes to try to take it all but no one can just ignore their sad feelings for so long.
What is your plan to balance this out? Would you date someone that always expected you to just appreciate what they give to you as they are. If you are never satisfied, there is continually no answer. I am supposed to be happy. Just because I am smiling, does that mean I really feel happy. Put away your ego, because it doesn’t even matter any more.
MeMeMe 68
I was dating this guy for the past 5 months. I am in my late 30′s and I had never been in love before. I gave this guy a chance because he appeared to be “emotionally mature”. He helped me to understand my feelings, deal with them, express them.. We had an amazing connection. 3 weeks ago, I wrote him a long and fun letter and where I told him that I loved him.. And that was the end.. He told me that I am an amazing women, but he does not have the same feelings for me.. I have mixed feelings.. I am happy bc I finally felt what is to love someone, but I am sad, because if this is the outcome, I don’t know if I want to go through this ever again… And it makes me sad, bc now I know how I made other people feel.. ;(… You live.. You learn.. I hope the next one is better!!
FruitFly 69
My bf told me “I love you” after 5 months of talking serious. He was in the middle of a separation from his wife. We told eachother I love you everyday for the next 6 months. His separation was now turning towards a divorce. For the next 5 months we still said “I love you”s. After the divorce was iminent one day he told me that we needed to cool things down because he felt he needed space to work on his divorce and couldn’t be there for me emotionally and didn’t want to hurt me in the process. I was hurt but agreed to cool things down even tho I didn’t exactly know what that meant. The very next day he tells me his misses me and that he LIKES ME. I was annoyed….. LIKE ME? Anyway, it’s been 2 months of cooling down and we still have feelings for eachother and are still intimate but he is still solid on not using any reference to LOVE or FUTURE or EMOTIONS with me anymore. I don’t know how long this divorce process and after effects(kids, selling his house, finances, people finding out he’s divorced, personal growth, etc) will take. I’ve been feeling neglected at times because I guess Im so used to us sharing our love verbally. I’m trying to be patient and understanding but sometimes it’s hard. I just hope he doesn’t take too long to come back around. I’ve already heard comments from him about getting his life together and straightened out could take months or even a year. I love him dearly but am wondering if I can hold on that long…..
Oh and when he stopped saying I love you he also stopped showing me in other ways as well. He stopped doing little things that helped me see he cared. I had to tell him that it’s ok that you feel unable to express yourself to me emotionally but there needs to be a way for you to touch base with me every so often to let me know that you still do care for me and want a future together. He got mad at first and frustrated but I told him that if he keeps neglecting me totally that when his divorce is finally over that Id probably hate him from harvesting all this feeling of neglect and resentmet. He said he understood and I noticed he started doing little things that meant a lot to me. It’s not as in your face as plainly saying out loud “I love you” but it’s nice enough for me to have a reason to continue to be patient as he deals with his divorce and personal issues.
Katarina Phang 70
Fruitfly, don’t invest too much in him. He’s clearly not ready. And he won’t be ready anytime soon. Just date casually with him and date other guys too. Don’t waste time on recently separated/divorced guys -especially when his divorce isn’t final yet.
He needs to go through his transitional relationship before he’s truly over his pain. Do you want to be his transitional gf? It’s emotionally draining.
Go out and meet guys who are on the same page as yours. Use those who don’t as a stepping stone to raise your goddess vibration so you will attract the right one.
Just have fun and be happy.
Dani 71
I was with my ex for 11 months. I never once heard those 3 little words. Plus his drinking buddies, fishing trips and his local bar were always a far bigger priority than I ever was or could hope to be. Long story short? I dumped his sorry ass and moved on. The thing that gets me is why tell a woman that you want something serious and that you’re feeling ‘clucky’ when you had no intention of ever making her number one? We may live in a modern society but there are still guys out there promising something more just so that they can get ‘some’.
The best way to stop feeling like crap is to stop letting people treat you like crap.
Heart 72
Jen,”I took 2 years to fully heal myself and get ME back and when i least expected it, my now boyfriend of 8 months, found me. He made me wait for any serious talk, and showed me the importance of TIME. It can be a very good thing to be patient and wait and to really get to know someone well to decide if they are right for you, other then being attracted to someone physically.”
I am going thru something like what you describe, you seem much more mature then some others posting. Hearing you say it that way really makes sense. My husband of 20 yrs passed away Jan. 2011. A man I dated 26 yrs ago found me and we have been dating for 8 months. I am working on me and my kids, he is very patient and I’m just not ready to commit but hope to marry again someday. I am in my forties and he is in his fifties, I adore him and even though he doesn’t have much, he always offers to help me. We are taking our time to ge to know each other, I am lucky he found me.
melodi 73
these comments are really helpful. i am female, 36, and rarely say i love you to anyone, including family. i show my affection/love through my actions and always have. then, i meet mr. right and he is the same way – he won’t say the words and we’re at the 6 month mark now (and i haven’t said them either, and won’t ever unless/until he does). the thing is, he told me on our first date that he would have a hard time saying the words because emotions are difficult for him, so, thankfully i was pre-warned; he also told me i could expect to see his love in other ways, and i have. he is very caring, respectful, and just treats me right and maturely. women should recognize the extreme difficulty men have with the words and look at the actions/behaviors for the meanings – and why rush love? if you are truly meant to be with a person take a long time to be friends first and see if they are even worth entering into a relationship with. i think couples skip the friendship part and end up angry with the partners’ shortcomings. become a friend first and you’ll know what they are capable of.
titi 74
I told my BF I love him because I do love him. Not because he had to say it back to me. It woul dbe nice to hear it from him too . It didn’t happen so what the heck I still love him. The fact that he didn’t say it doesn’t make me love him any more less . He can be an a Douche bag at times but what man isn’t? I would rather be with him than anybody else. I will take that chance
jbv 75
I am one of those guys that “show” how I feel vs verbalize things early on. I think I would verbalize when I got to the point of where I felt things were mutual. In my last “relationship” I felt like I was the one always doing the nice things for her, treating her well with dinners, little things but not getting the appreciation back. I brought it up with her but she didn’t seem to know how to say “thank you”. When we broke up she said she felt like we weren’t connecting/getting deeper. I definitely was holding back because she wasn’t showing that she cared in a manner that I could relate to. So, maybe for some girls out there, keep an eye out for the guys actions… He will show that he cares if he does…. if he doesn’t show he cares it doesn’t matter what words he says.