Comments on: Why Doesn’t My Boyfriend Tell Me That He Loves Me?

By: Clare

Clare — Fri, 24 Aug 2012 21:34:55 +0000

@ jbv # 75

It’s so interesting what you say. My boyfriend shows his devotion and faithfulness to me in a hundred different ways every day, he’s good to me and makes me feel good every day. We spend all our free time together and I feel loved all the time.

But he almost never says I love you. I asked him why this was and he implored me to judge him on his actions rather than his words. He said at a bachelor party he was recently at, most of the married guys were phoning their wives to tell them that they loved them, but half of them went home with other women.

I can’t say I entirely understand this male perspective, but I did accept it and left it at that.

By: Christina

Christina — Fri, 24 Aug 2012 16:15:03 +0000

“Aiden hasn’t said ‘I love you.’ Until then, you’re a free agent”. -Samantha
I know quoting Sex and the City is not the most original thing, nor is it necessarily an ethical perspective, but it’s how I’ve been feeling nevertheless. I know I’ve loved my boyfriend for months already, to the point where I’ve even started to say “I love….” and have ended the phrase with “you hair” instead of “you” for fear of the “risky investment”.
So, to distance myself, I rationalized on my past trip to Vegas that it was okay to live life as a single girl over my birthday weekend; besides, is he truly invested?
Now, just days after my trip I still feel the longing to hear those three little yet ever-so important words. Why?
Could be guilt. Perhaps I need him to not say “I love you” to justify my wrongdoing. Or because I desperately want him to say it so I can finally say it in return.
Love is not something you can control, but you can control your actions. My boyfriend’s actions may show he loves me, but I’ve invested so much in hearing those words that I’ve compromised our relationship.
How legitimate is a relationship before those 3 words? Is Samantha right?

By: pinkblue

pinkblue — Sat, 28 Jul 2012 21:04:03 +0000

i have the same problem,,never heard those magic word for a long time,,,,my past relationship was boring,,i tried my hardest but didnt work out! now i think i better be alone for sometimes Mr,Right may come very soon;)

By: Careg

Careg — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 05:25:52 +0000

I broke up with my boyfriend maybe 4-5 times before he finally broke up with me after 11 months of dating. It was important for me to know whether our relationship was serious or not and many times I just felt so uncertain that I felt it would be best to just walk away. In the end, I think he was just fed up with my back and forth drama. A part of me was actually glad it ended, because now I could give myself the opportunity to meet a man that would be a better match for me. The sex was great and there was a deep connection, no doubt. But he almost never expressed his emotions nor did he ever say “I love you” without me saying it first. After incredible love making or even after sharing a special moment embracing, there would be no “I love you”, and then I would be left with a very sinking feeling. The one many of you know too well. I met up with a very close male friend at a dive bar one night and cried my eyeballs out just talking about how heartbroken I was because I felt so close to a breakthrough with my boyfriend….because many times he did show me that he loved me, just didn’t say it….if only I could give it another try….another 6 months/year…perhaps it’s not too late, etc. My male friend shook me so hard and told me he’d slap me if he wasn’t such a gentleman. He said it’s like this: When a man really loves a woman, he will ensure that she knows it and saying “I love you” will flow easily. A man that loves a woman, but intentionally withholds the “I love you’s” has serious psychological issues that might mean he detests and cannot love even himself. If this is the case, I just dodged the bullet. So no more crying.

Yesterday, I was at a bookstore and I met a really good-looking, smart and funny guy who sat next to me. Totally spontaneous!
His cell phone rang, it was his older sister, and he said he had to answer it but only for a moment to say he couldn’t talk but he would call her later. He was so tender and sweet on the phone and he said “okay, okay, I promise this is important… I just met the prettiest adorable girl and I love her smile. Oh there it is again, she’s smiling and I have to go. I love you. Tell mom, I love her too. Good-bye.”

By: Tracy

Tracy — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 16:00:13 +0000

I am waiting for the three words from my guy of three months. I keep thinking this weekend will be the weekend. I am almost 40 and he is almost 52. I don’t know what the hold up is, but I have almost burst and told him a few times. Actually, I have almost said it in my sleep as I roll over and we hold each other. We have such a great connection and he even says we have something special. He is not a player at all. He is doing all the right things. I would improve his during the week connection if I could, but I think it is too soon to make demands, it is also then too soon to throw in the towel if I am not able to say I have this need that in a relationship i would like met. If I say I have this need or that need now he would think it was insecurity. He is doing a lot of things to show he cares and the relationship is progressing. I did not sign his valentine card with “love” I signed it with a heart and then my name. I am not sure that word means anything until you hear “I love you” and not just “I Love your eyes, your this your that…”
I want to hear those words so I know I am not wasting my time, but then after I hear that I will want to have a ring so I know I am not wasting my time….It is a maddening cycle. If I don’t have a ring at a year mark I will dump but it will be clear that I am leaving bc I don’t have time to waste on a man who is not sure about me and certainty means a ring on my finger and a date on the books.
I dated a guy for almost two years that didn’t treat me well and he always told me he loved me. He also talked about a future and he said we should look at rings, well we never did.
My new guy has asked what kind of diamond ring I like, if I want a wedding, and where I want to live. So, I would think he is thinking along these lines. He said he hopes I keep my hair long when I am older b/c he likes long hair….so he seems to think we will be together. I am not as sure however until I hear the words I long to hear and until I have a rock on my finger.

By: jbv

jbv — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 17:24:02 +0000

I am one of those guys that “show” how I feel vs verbalize things early on. I think I would verbalize when I got to the point of where I felt things were mutual. In my last “relationship” I felt like I was the one always doing the nice things for her, treating her well with dinners, little things but not getting the appreciation back. I brought it up with her but she didn’t seem to know how to say “thank you”. When we broke up she said she felt like we weren’t connecting/getting deeper. I definitely was holding back because she wasn’t showing that she cared in a manner that I could relate to. So, maybe for some girls out there, keep an eye out for the guys actions… He will show that he cares if he does…. if he doesn’t show he cares it doesn’t matter what words he says.

By: titi

titi — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 19:03:11 +0000

I told my BF I love him because I do love him. Not because he had to say it back to me. It woul dbe nice to hear it from him too . It didn’t happen so what the heck I still love him. The fact that he didn’t say it doesn’t make me love him any more less . He can be an a Douche bag at times but what man isn’t? I would rather be with him than anybody else. I will take that chance

By: melodi

melodi — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 02:57:14 +0000

these comments are really helpful. i am female, 36, and rarely say i love you to anyone, including family. i show my affection/love through my actions and always have. then, i meet mr. right and he is the same way – he won’t say the words and we’re at the 6 month mark now (and i haven’t said them either, and won’t ever unless/until he does). the thing is, he told me on our first date that he would have a hard time saying the words because emotions are difficult for him, so, thankfully i was pre-warned; he also told me i could expect to see his love in other ways, and i have. he is very caring, respectful, and just treats me right and maturely. women should recognize the extreme difficulty men have with the words and look at the actions/behaviors for the meanings – and why rush love? if you are truly meant to be with a person take a long time to be friends first and see if they are even worth entering into a relationship with. i think couples skip the friendship part and end up angry with the partners’ shortcomings. become a friend first and you’ll know what they are capable of.

By: Heart

Heart — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 05:25:40 +0000

Jen,”I took 2 years to fully heal myself and get ME back and when i least expected it, my now boyfriend of 8 months, found me. He made me wait for any serious talk, and showed me the importance of TIME. It can be a very good thing to be patient and wait and to really get to know someone well to decide if they are right for you, other then being attracted to someone physically.”

I am going thru something like what you describe, you seem much more mature then some others posting. Hearing you say it that way really makes sense. My husband of 20 yrs passed away Jan. 2011. A man I dated 26 yrs ago found me and we have been dating for 8 months. I am working on me and my kids, he is very patient and I’m just not ready to commit but hope to marry again someday. I am in my forties and he is in his fifties, I adore him and even though he doesn’t have much, he always offers to help me. We are taking our time to ge to know each other, I am lucky he found me.

By: Dani

Dani — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 05:55:24 +0000

I was with my ex for 11 months. I never once heard those 3 little words. Plus his drinking buddies, fishing trips and his local bar were always a far bigger priority than I ever was or could hope to be. Long story short? I dumped his sorry ass and moved on. The thing that gets me is why tell a woman that you want something serious and that you’re feeling ‘clucky’ when you had no intention of ever making her number one? We may live in a modern society but there are still guys out there promising something more just so that they can get ‘some’.

The best way to stop feeling like crap is to stop letting people treat you like crap.