Comments on: Why Don’t Men Like Smart, Strong, Successful Women, Part II

By: Paddy

Paddy — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 12:07:58 +0000

Lola couldn’t agree more, great post. Although there are always the exceptions to the rule.

By: Marianne

Marianne — Sat, 07 Jul 2012 16:54:05 +0000

I am glad to read another person recognizing that the gender role conditioning is equal in both girls and boys. Playing the “game” of dating is really just playing into these roles, boys and men who are conditioned to be “tough” and “stronger than women” are also conditioned to expect women to be different from them. And women who are conditioned to expect “tough” and “stronger than women” from men are judgmental toward men who are just being themselves, and not trying to fill that role. Both are conditioned to expect certain things from the opposite sex, instead of taking each person as an individual, and making friends. If we take each person as a new individual, with a unique personality, without expectations of how they should be or act because of their gender, then we can actually find true friends, who may end up as romantic partners if there is that kind of chemistry on top of the friendship. When we are judging others as to how they measure up to our expectations for a romantic partner, we miss their entire actual personality, and skip right over the best part; friendship.
It’s something we don’t have to seek; if we meet someone we connect with, then we make a friend. If we don’t connect with them, then we don’t. The quest for a partner has been taken to new heights in the past decades by the mass media, taking the friendship part right out of it.
Also, people seem to have forgotten that until the recent past, women actually DID “need” men to survive in this society, by design; they could not get a decent job to support themselves comfortably, they couldn’t even go to a lot of colleges, and they certainly had a very hard time being taken seriously about anything. So the generations that are young and middle aged adults now were raised and influenced by people who grew up in a different version of this society; which means that boys are still being influenced by people who view men as being “in charge”, and entitled to be dominant. This is very important in understanding what the hell is going on in the dating and marriage scene. And, girls are also still being influenced in the same way, while at the same time being held up to very high expectations of career and financial success, competing with men who have been raised to be automatically dominant over women, as if women do not have the same set of feelings as men do. (What is the female equivalent word for “emasculate”? Why isn’t there one?) . If a man has a hard time making a successful career with a somewhat submissive personality, how would a woman?
The skills and understanding that create a civil, pleasant atmosphere and safe, supportive relationship are the same whether a person is a man or woman, heterosexual or homosexual. Integrity and politeness do not have a gender label. “Brutal honesty” is code for “acting like a jerk”, regardless of a person’s sex.
If you have to change who you are to get or keep a date, then you are surrounded by control freaks who have preconceived expectations, and even if they act like they like you in the beginning, they will eventually either demand that you change who you are, or reject you. If your behavior is polite and civil, and you are self-aware and do regular self-examination, if you don’t have different expectations for others than for yourself, then you don’t need to change for others; if you haven’t found a person to be with, then you just haven’t met them yet. We can always change our awareness level, and our behavior, and our treatment of others. But changing our very selves to conform to another person’s standard and expectation of how we should be because of our gender is a whole other ballgame. There will never be a day that I will give up my love of music in order to sit at the “wives” table to watch my boyfriend/husband play onstage, and pretend that I am not a musician. Would a friend expect that? Would I expect that of him? Never! We are BOTH musicians, I want to do it with him, not at him, as if he is not “one of the musician crowd” because he is a boy.
If my significant other is not my buddy first and foremost, then where is the fun going to come from, or the support? It’s not going to come from anywhere, just like if he was a female “friend” who had expectations of me that she didn’t have for herself.

By: Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz — Thu, 28 Jun 2012 04:00:54 +0000

Yep. That’s about it, Lola.

By: Lola

Lola — Thu, 28 Jun 2012 03:27:36 +0000

Hi Evan,
After years of struggling with this question – it finally dawned on me the answer – it’s not that men don’t like successful women, it’s that they don’t really give a crap about a womans’ career as long as it keeps her happy and fulfilled. Women who have conquered the world, think they should get some credit for it and a partner that appreciates it, but honestly most men don’t care about that – they just want a sweet, loving, beautiful girl that will be nice to them and to have fun with them. Career women can be the opposite at times, I admit. It’s not that he doesn’t like your career, it’s just that you’re not fufilling his basic woman requirements first. Well, there to have it – the answer to life.

By: Clare

Clare — Fri, 22 Jun 2012 11:06:19 +0000

I really enjoyed Heather’s letter, and felt so glad for the happiness she is experiencing as a result of her shift in perspective.

I have 2 brothers and, a host of guy friends, that I adore. Everything changed for me when I started seeing the guys I was looking to date with the same eyes. Their strengths and positive attributes, and what they have to give just started shining through.

Men not only are not the enemy, they are a wonderful counterbalance to women’s nature. When you start seeing this, that they are different yet complimentary, and you stop expecting them to be like women, it is an immensely liberating experience.

By: M

Wed, 09 May 2012 00:14:58 +0000

I don’t think it’s necessarily that men don’t like Why Don’t Men Like Smart, Strong, Successful Women but it’s more the attitude that a lot of the Why Don’t Men Like Smart, Strong, Successful Women carry that a lot of men hate. Men hate those hey look at me, look at my A’s, the miss no it all, the women that never got over high school and think they are the greatest thing on earth, that’s what men HATE. Usually these women that have these super graduate degrees have that look at my A’s, the miss no it all, shove it up your nose attitude, the catty, ultra picky, me me me attitude. But still also men don’t want their girlfriends, wives so successful that all she does is lives and breaths her work. The women that completely lives and breathes work can forget relationships (that live and breath) work is a real repellent and will make most men run.

By: BeauxEau

BeauxEau — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:02:35 +0000

I believe it’s a simple matter of differing values. Of course I’m generalizing, but since that allows me to cover approx 87% of a normal bell curve for both sexes, I’ll proceed.

I listen intently to women as they express their experiences and desires and have noticed something that I believe explains a lot of the mischaracterization of “what men want/don’t want.” Women are more likely impressed with intelligence and accomplishment, especially with other women. I have a good friend who other women try to set up with their girlfriends, but they aren’t considering that they are judging what they believe he wants based on what THEY would want in a partner.

They keep trying to set him up with aggressive, razor-thin blondes with multiple graduate degrees and who are high in the corporate or government hierarchy. He is also a high-mid-level manager…and he calls me frequently with these frustrations.

He tells me point blank: I don’t want a thin blonde attorney or political scientist with a Ph.D. who thinks doing domestic things is beneath her, or an imposition. I like kind, warm-hearted raven-haired women, a little plump, who put as much passion into their work as they do their lovemaking and cooking. He tells me they don’t even need to work…he makes around $120K a year, so he doesn’t need to deal with that power struggle.

I believe many men have learned the lesson: Listen and focus on her needs, and refrain from judging her by your own set of standards; women need to do the same for men…and it’s not an imposition to ask for this, it’s a matter of willingness and motivation to succeed in our relationships, all of them.

By: Mark

Mark — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 04:03:25 +0000

Wow, looked like a man wrote that. Truly an alpha female there!

By: Rosanna Tufts

Rosanna Tufts — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 04:51:57 +0000

How amazing it is that after 40 years of feminism, we are now seeing men and women reclaiming their core essence, and truly becoming grounded in their own masculinity or femininity, no apologies needed. Women’s Lib got us respect in our careers — it didn’t help us do our relationships better. Ironically, when I speak about these concepts in my own teaching, I am accused of perpetuating sexist stereotypes — and the accusers are gay.

By: Denise

Denise — Mon, 08 Nov 2010 00:04:53 +0000

I think women can use their masculine energy at work, but MUST melt into their feminine energy in all other relationships, ESPECIALLY romantic relationships. Romantic relationships are not competitions where people keep score or someone is trying to ‘win’, they are PARNTERSHIPS of two humans coming together to be a witness to each other’s lives.