Like most generalizations, that one just doesn’t work.

People (regardless of attractiveness or internal qualities) are available or unavailable at all ages for many reasons. An attractive woman could get divorced and be available again. An attractive woman could let her career consume her life for a decade (or more) before deciding that she really wants to find someone to share her life with.

Maybe she even ended up in a string of relationships with guys who were style over substance before realizing that wasn’t working for her.

It’s impossible to make intelligent assumptions why someone is still available without getting to know them first.

Michelle here. Although the title of this blog reads hotness and a lot of people are reading the message as being avoid good looking people you’re attracted too that was never what he was saying to me. The point he was hitting home for ME was that I was trying to create relationships off of that euphoric toe-curling, head in the clouds chemistry HIGH that some men can bring out in me and he was making me recognize my ADDICTION to those guys; to the extent that I OVERLOOK red flags and big deal breakers that everyone is able to see but me, because I’m in la-la land with my high. It has nothing to do with looks and everything to do with that chemical reaction that often blinds me to things I shouldn’t overlook.

The way Evan so eloquently put it to me was You’re taking someone where the chemistry is a 10 and the compatability is a 4 and trying to turn it into a working relationship. He challenged me to ask myself if this was the first time I had done this, and the answer was a resounding NO I had based the decision almost in its entirety to keep seeing someone because of the feeling they gave me, and not on anything that would make me happy or content in the long run.

As you said Roger, you look for attraction AND for someone who has long term qualities I had developed a blind spot at discerning what long term qualities I need to be looking for, because I just wanted the roller coaster ride. Now I have a new approach.

Mic – you’re right. I have been going about it the wrong way; which is why I needed someone to put me on a course of action that is better suited for my long term happiness. Evan started me off with a few basic guidelines that I haven’t been doing; such as going on a date once a week and using a more cerebral and less organic thought process, so that’s what I’m doing (And I’ve got a date this Sunday

Sam – I don’t think it’s too soon because I was ready to receive the information! I recognized everything I had been doing wrong, listened attentively to the advice that he gave me with all my defenses down and its like a switch went off and a new door has opened. Sometimes I think it CAN happen like that for people. And I never said I thought it would work out with the 5-8? guy and we’d live happily ever after but I recognize my own criteria of superficiality I’ve been using and I’m lucky enough to have options, so no I don’t think its to soon to feel that I have been changed from coaching. I know what I need to do now. but I will let you know

I think my definition of hot is different from the way it is being used in Evan’s article and the discussion. I look for a hot lover who carries the passion far beyond the usual first few months. This has little to do with looks and not much to do with immediate chemistry. Since it is nearly impossible to pick out from a profile, the only solution is to look for women with great relationship skills, enthusiasm, and creativity. That way, by the time we’ve invested enough in the relationship that it is appropriate to have sex, how ever it turns out is great.

I did learn to avoid the overtly hot early on in my dating. Example: cheerleaders. They were strongly ego-invested in the look and the role and had tons of guys trying to date them the classic trophy date. Plus they were so busy managing the hair, skin, clothes and physique that they genuinely did not have the time to build a serious relationship.

Roger

Your comment cleared it up. So many people, it seems, have not set up any standards, requirements, and boundaries, and by that I don’t mean physical characteristics, but values and character characteristics, and they hop head first into disaster by basing their requirements on superficial things.

searching within s last blog post Seeking Validation and Love Through Men’s Approval

And yes, Sayanta, I kind of was a ladykiller when I was dating prolifically. And that’s why I’m a helluva dating coach – I explain to women the psychology of guys like me