I’ve been reading your work for over a year now, and enjoy your teachings. I am almost a veteran on online dating (which is not a good sign…).
This is just a quick note, which may sound like a ranting but it is not. I find that your remark about men are pretty sexist. If you used the same style to criticize women, you’d have been sued and banned a long time ago.
You are never as critical of women. For example, I never found that you criticize them for their not being courteous in their correspondence. The rule of thumb usually is: the younger and the prettier, the ruder and without manners. All you say is that it is “natural” that people disappear (even after some substantial email exchange!). You justify why they behave like that (“because there are millions of guys contacting them”). Well, I agree the meat market is not fair – but your assessments and critique could well be…
Thanks for the note, Anthony. And thanks for not suing or banning me.
a) The majority of my readers are women. Men need more help. Women ask for more help. Check out the self-help section at Barnes and Noble if you doubt this.
b) I don’t think it takes a coach like me to tell women “don’t be rude”. If you think that such a proclamation would make things “fair”, then this is your lucky day.
Women of the online dating world… Please don’t be rude. It’s very rude. Be courteous. There are nice guys out there who deserve more kindness and consideration. Thank you.
I kid, Anthony. And if you’ve been reading for a year now, you know that I have always preached the Golden Rule when it comes to online dating. If you’re the type of person who likes to receive rejection letters from the hundreds of women you contact, then you better write rejection letters yourself. If you want to be called after a first date to be told that she doesn’t want to see you again, you better call her after a first date to do the same thing.
But most people, as we’ve established, are hypocrites. We want to be able to lie about our age, but not have others do it. We want to avoid the discomfort of a “It’s not you, it’s me” conversation, but we want others to put themselves through the same discomfort. It’s simply unrealistic to expect everyone to do what WE want them to do. Women have their own self-interests at heart, not yours. For most of them, avoidance is easier and makes more sense. Why would she write you an email to blow you off when she can ignore you? Especially if she knows that an email will incite another email from you, asking for an explanation or another chance. She doesn’t want to give you another chance. She wants to date someone else. That’s her right. Let it go.
If she goes on a date with you and doesn’t have fun, yeah, it would be nice to get a polite email telling you that she didn’t feel “the click”. But since very few people want to have to write such an email, why get so bent out of shape when you don’t receive it? If you don’t hear back from her in a few days, take a hint. That’s the way the world works.
While I can stand on the rooftops and admonish everyone to be nicer, what would that accomplish? You’d have a few thousand women who read this blog that would nod their heads and go back to deleting the tons of email they receive. That’s a drop in the ocean. What I find more productive, Anthony, is telling you that THIS IS THE WAY IT IS. And until you put yourself in an attractive young woman’s shoes to feel what it’s like to be coveted by hundreds of people at once, you have no right to tell them how they should properly dispose of you.
Don’t get me wrong. If she’s writing emails that say, “I’m way out of your class. Don’t waste your time with me, loser,” then yes, she’s being rude. But if she chooses to focus on a different man without giving you proper closure? You need to get over that. The silence tells you all you need to know. I’m not saying you need to LIKE it; I’m saying that you’d better accept it or you’re not gonna last very long in the online dating world.
To step back and answer your broader question: is my advice fair to both men and women?
I’ll say it is, if only because my primary goal is to get them to understand each other. You can get upset at me because I defend women who delete men. Women can get upset at me for making the observation that men generally prefer younger, thinner women. But in both instances, you’re shooting the proverbial messenger. I didn’t invent online dating; I just observe it.
Instead of complaining that women are rude or that I am unfair, I would say that the best thing to do would be to figure out what YOU can do differently.
You can only change yourself. You can’t change anyone else. Not me. Not your boss. And certainly not “women”. Might as well stop knocking yourself out.
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared.
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