Why Men Should Say No to Sex
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I’d like to hear your take on how a guy can smoothly handle the condom issue early in the dating relationship (assuming things get hot and heavy on the first few dates – before the “safe sex talk” comes up).
For example, on the first few dates, the guy is not sure if he is going to ‘get lucky’ or not with the woman he’s dating.
If things start to get intimate early on, the guy is going to look pretty tacky if he just whips a condom out of his pocket when it’s time. The woman would probably think, “The jerk must think I’m always easy – the he put a condom in his pocket EXPECTING sex!”
So what’s he supposed to do to make this go more smoothly? If he just whips out a condom out of his wallet, she’ll probably think he’s looking like the promiscuous high school football star.
The guy could just not bring condoms on the early dates (so it doesn’t look too obvious that he’s just out for sex), and hope the woman has one in her belongings or at her place. But then the woman could be thinking the guy is not very responsible, and he’s leaving it to her to bring the goods.
Perhaps the guy could put some in his glove compartment and tell her, "Hey, I didn’t know we were going to get intimate on this 1st (or 2nd) date, but I do have a condom in my glove compartment, I think." It would chill the sudden hot intimacy while he has to dash out to his car, but how else does a guy not look like a jerk in this whole process if things get unexpectedly sexual early on?
Thanks.
Jim
Dear Jim,
First off, kudos to you for asking this. It’s not only a fun question, but an original one, as well.
Second, you’ve clearly thought this through, although I’m quite sure I don’t agree with your final conclusion.
Dashing to the car to retrieve a rubber from the glove compartment? I know you were going for some sort of compromise between prepared and unprepared, but this isn’t it. Might as well turn on Jay Leno and pour two glasses of milk, because your mood has already been ruined.
So let’s discuss the two alternatives you brought up and allow me to counter with one that you don’t seem to have considered.
You’re right about the perception of the guy who carries the condom in his wallet. I did it myself for years and got nothing out of it, except for a bunch of wallets with raised ring outlines. And, as you acknowledged, it comes off as a bit too slick and tacky. While being prepared is usually a good idea, the negative connotations outweigh the benefits of preparedness.
The other idea you came up with is not bringing condoms on dates, in hopes that the woman is prepared. This is a far better scenario, and I don’t believe that it indicates that you’re not responsible. Rather, it indicates that you didn’t expect to be in the position to have sex.
But what I want to posit with the rest of this post is a mind-blowing new take for men on how to deal with sex and early-phase dating.
Don’t do it….
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69 Comments »Filed Under Sex
a&v 1
If a man ever told me no, I would be extremely intrigued–possibly to the point of being a bit enamored. I hope men everywhere follow your advice!
alana 2
I don’t mind the condom in the wallet thing. It tells me the guy is responsible, and, if it’s just one condom, you only get to do it once. If it was great sex the girl can’t wait to do it again.
That’s my id speaking, anyway. I guess meeting a guy who followed Evan’s advice would be refreshing. I’d be left really horny, though.
Marc 3
I’ve been in situations where I didn’t come prepared, which led to having to stop the proceedings and have a whole conversation about going to the store to buy condoms, what type to buy, etc. Big mood breaker, as well as a deal breaker. And I live in NYC. I could’ve been out of their apartments, down in the corner grocery, and back up with a 3 pack of Trojans in under 5 minutes…even at 3 am, if necessary.
Conversely, I’ve done the condom in the wallet thing too and the women weren’t the least bit fazed when I whipped it out (the condom, that is). If you’re at that point in the goings on where condoms are needed, most women would be hypocritical to judge you for being prepared. In fact, I think most would be relieved that you have a condom, and that they don’t have to expose their stash to you, if they indeed have such a stash.
I think if sex is your main objective, then follow the Boy Scouts’ motto and “Be Prepared.” If you’re looking for something serious, heed the advice of the single dating expert. What he says makes sense.
JB 4
First off, I can’t stand the degrading term “getting lucky” as any man theoretically is “lucky” to be having sex with a woman. Give me a break ! There’s should be no luck involved unless you play the lottery.
2 adults either wanna be together or they don’t.
As far as what Evan says to say ie: “I dont have sex with anyone with whom Im not in an exclusive relationship. Which is why I dont carry condoms with me anywhere.
Sounds great and politically correct but it’s not true for a large percentage of people out here. So if it’s not true for you (like it’s not for me) I would’nt say it.
There’s nothing wrong with carrying a condom in your car and putting it in your pocket when you go inside if you feel it heading that way and your BOTH up for it.
There’s also been times recently when I’ve said “you know what, we don’t have to go that far tonight. I’d rather wait for another time when we have more time and we’re both prepared. Does’nt mean we still can’t have fun and enjoy each other.
Evans’ right though it’s good to talk about it and see where you’re both coming from ideally so you can enjoy it casually if that’s the case without feeling guilty like in his scenario.
As far as “nothing bad ever comes from saying no” …LOL You’d be wrong. I said “no” once and never heard from her again…lol
No biggie, it wasn’t going to be a relationship but it stung for a day or 2.
lyric 5
I dont have sex with anyone with whom Im not in an exclusive relationship. I’ve used this line. Guess what the guy did? He bulletined about condoms as if I have no knowledge about it…lol
That’s why I’m a huge Evan fan because he’s such a decent human being!! Very noble:)
Roger 6
Wow. I like Evan’s idea. My only concern is that I have dated a few women who insisted we have sex, even when I didn’t have a condom. So, I feel I need to have one available just to be on the safe side, for my own sake. I put it in my pocket though, not my wallet. (From what I’ve read, it’s not safe to use a condom that’s been sitting in a wallet because it tends to get worn down.)
Evan’s concept of not expecting to have casual sex or counting on it is liberating. It’s something I’ve been doing for a long time now, and it’s incredible how much more power it gives me. I find that women find it very attractive in a man and that it puts me in the drivers seat.
Andrea 7
There are two issues here: Sex and relationships.
Firstly, this implies that condoms are exclusively a man’s responsibility, which is old school and unsafe. So just because men wear the condoms they’re exclusively responsible? The emphasis on this – and the fact that I’m the first female commenter to challenge this – surprises me.
I can’t speak for any other women, but I keep a supply of condoms beside my bed. There’s no reason a guy should bring condoms over to my place when I’m capable of buying them myself. Furthermore, every guy I’ve dated has had a supply at their place. Run out? Buy more, whether you’re anticipating sex or not, just like other household items. Concerned about expiry date? Expiry dates are a long way off. Chances are you’ll have sex before then.
Chances are the sex is happening in someone’s home so the condom issue shouldn’t be an issue.
Secondly, If I heard “I don’t have sex with anyone with whom Im not in an exclusive relationship.” I’d think he’s full of shit, playing me to look like the nice guy KNOWING that it gives him power, or not into me. I might wonder what’s wrong with him. I prefer if a guy tells me that he wants to take it slow or get to know me better before sleeping with me.
Most guys I know don’t say “I don’t have sex with anyone with whom Im not in an exclusive relationship.” and mean it – and I have a lot of male friends to pool this opinion from.
Andrea 8
Clarification: When I said “Firstly, this implies…” I meant Jim’s question, Evan’s answer and the previous comments.
Craig 9
An intriguing suggestion by Evan, but not a very realistic one. Waiting for a committed relationship before having sex? C’mon, you don’t buy a car without test driving it first do you? Honestly, how many guys are going to pass up a chance at some good ass with that line…can I get a show of hands? Yeah, that’s what I thought. A more realistic suggestion would be to find a middle ground that still gets you some respect and adoration. So instead refuse the sex the first night if in fact neither of you have a condom by saying: “I do not have unprotected sex outside of a committed relationship, but will come prepared the next time if you are still willing.” She’ll be impressed by your restraint, the fact that you weren’t expecting it, and concern for your safety…and hers. Plus, you still get to get some action the next time you see her way before waiting the 2 or more months it may take before committing. It’s a win-win situation. Just my 2 cents.
Evan Marc Katz 10
to JB: I’m not saying to refuse sex for effect. I’m saying to refuse sex because it shows respect, gives you power, and diminishes potential fallout if/when things don’t work out.
to Andrea: It’s not full of shit if you mean it.
to Craig: A committed relationship isn’t marriage. It just means that you decide not to see anybody else. This can take place after a date or two. The point is that you’re DISCUSSING what sex means, instead of having it and dealing with the ramifications later.
Thanks to all for your thoughts. Can’t wait to hear from more women…
Selena 11
The only time I can remember someone not wanting to have sex with me early on was many years ago. On that night, I guessed I was going too fast for him and told him that was okay, nothing wrong with waiting until we knew each other better. Well, we started seeing alot of each other and it turned out that it wasn’t a time, or exclusivity factor–he was impotent and had been for a couple years.
Sooo, (prior to reading this blog), if a guy gave me the I dont have sex with anyone with whom Im not in an exclusive relationship. line, I would probably think he had some kind of sexual problem, STD, or just wasn’t interested in me sexually.
I will say though that I do believe in talking about sex, and expectations before jumping right into it these days. I do want to get to know someone fairly well first–I’ve been disappointed too many times by not waiting. And I do want exclusivity if I’m going to be having sex with someone and I’m not afraid to say so up front.
I can’t see waiting 2 mos. or more to have committed sex though, so I like Craig’s line better. For one thing, it builds anticipation for the next time you see each other! And it can also serve as an opener to discuss expectations regarding sex if one is feeling a bit self conscious about the topic. And it shows the guy is not only willing, but also able.
Collins 12
I agree with Andrea that bringing protection to the encounter should not be the man’s burden alone, but neither do I believe that he should rely on the woman to bring it. Neither party knows what STDs the other might have. There’s also potential on both sides for entrapment into parenthood; I’ve heard of women claiming infertility to trap men into fatherhood, & I’ve heard of men similarly deceiving women into motherhood. This is the age of equality, which for both genders entails responsibilities as well as rights.
I also like Evan’s idea of us guys saying no to 1st- or 2nd-date sex. Doing so would raise the value of male sexuality. As with any product/service, the tighter we are with it, the more value we place on it. Meanwhile, the more we show that we can do without FEMALE sexuality, the more ITS value will go DOWN. Then we can make the M-F r’ship dynamic more balanced & fair.
Chloe 13
My experience with a guy that actually said he didn’t want to have sex until he’s in a commited relationship was because he was truly serious. He was a virgin! He wanted to wait to give it to his future wife. Sure, I thought that was sweet and endearing, and totally rare these days, but damn. Made me want him more, but darn it, the guy had too much will power. LOL. So yeah, the topic of condoms never even came up.
Ron Goedde 14
Nothing wrong with waiting to lose your virginity until you meet your future wife, Chloe.
I’m 62 years young, and I’m still waiting for me sweetie to come along. I’ve held out this long – I just hope she shows up before long – otherwise we’ll be doing the nasty in the old folks home!
Jared Meyer 15
I agree with Evan with regard to waiting. I wonder though: why should men even say “yes” to sex?
Would personal relationships last longer if two people didn’t sleep together within the first 24, 48, or 72 hours – let alone days – spent together? Do most couples have long-term serious relationships after sleeping together on the first date? Do we often lose interest or respect towards those we date after moving too fast? Imagine what our nation would be like if its citizens developed better discipline.
My high school prom date once quoted someone who once stated that, “There are two tragedies in life: one – not getting what you want; the other – getting it.” If men were to toss aside their ego for a moment, a minute, or a month, would they be as inclined to have sex with their dates? We know that sex can be a powerful, special thing. Why do we often do what’s easy and not what’s right? Because we can. I’d like to change this and revisit that “less is more” theory of life. Who’ll join me in discovering discipline? All those in favor? All those opposed? Does anyone abstain?
Camilla 16
I like Craig’s suggestion.
Although I think women who are sexually active should have some condoms at home, I still think it’s better when they guy buys them. That way, they get the kind that fits & feels best to them. (My personal experience is that guys are particular about it.)
Someone said wallet’s aren’t smart (true) and I also heard in a safe sex class that glove compartments are bad because of the temperature changes. Condoms should be stored at room temp, not the fluctuating hot/cold of a glovebox.
WannaGetMatzoBalled 17
I totally agree with Evan on this. I personally am creeped out if a guy is prepared; I’d rather assume that nothing is going to happen. That might be naive, but I don’t have condoms in my house, and if he has them at his, it’s like–ok, it’s regular thing for him. And it’s true that people shouldn’t be afraid to talk about sex, even though we usually are. Sometimes talking about sex and framing it as something that is part of some kind of exclusive relationship feels like I’m pressuring him, which is ridiculous of course. Just goes to show you how far we’ll go to act “cool”. I like the tone of this post exactly for this reason: it’s easy to assume that guys are ready to pounce at the drop of a hat, but maybe they aren’t always, and maybe women have to put the brakes on more effectively without feeling like it makes them seem “prissy” and–God forbid!–”not fun.” Waiting is so logical, but I do think there is an atmosphere out in the dating world that pressures people to use sex as a way to get to know someone and artificially speed things up. Is it even effective??
Another thing: all these guys whose main focus is “chemistry”, who couch it in some lame excuse about how they had such terrible sex with ex-girlfriends. I love it when they act like it is somehow so virtuous and honest that they are admitting that it’s such a vital part of the relationship. Well, yeah, duh. It’s almost like it is a thinly-veiled warning like, “don’t waste my time if you’re boring and not willing to do what I want.” Oh yeah, hotshot? Before you start getting all demanding, maybe I want some assurances that you’re packing something bigger than a Crayola–how’s that?
I’m done for now. Good work, Evan.
Lisa 18
I agree!
Zann 19
I’m a woman, and I’m most likely older than the women who’ve been commenting here. I agree with the majority of what Evan has to say and with Craig up to a point. But the writer’s concern was focused on whether it looks tacky or presumptuous for a man to be equipped with a condom when dating. Personally, I find it downright delightful that a man took the responsibility upon himself. It speaks of his respect for his own body, as well as that of any woman with whom he might potentially be intimate. To me, it doesn’t broadcast that he was hoping to score; it means that he’s always prepared, because you just never know. I am always prepared with condoms in my purse and a supply in my home. It shows I’m a conscientious and informed adult with a sexual life.
If this insinuates to some that I’m a slut, so be it, but at least I’m a responsible one. And I educated my own kids, now adults, about this sense of individual responsibility & emphasizing that it is not the responsibility of the “other” person, male or female, to be sure sex is safe. I understand that Evan was using the writer’s question as an opportunity to open dialogue on the issue of sexual abstinence or delay by men when going into a new encounter with a woman. But why — as Craig implied — tell a woman you don’t have sex outside of a committed relationship, when you actually do and will? Why not just say, “I don’t have sex without adequate protection, and I came unprepared, but I guarantee you, I’ll be prepared the next time we’re in this situation.” And if a woman takes the position that it’s the guy’s responsibility to provide the condom, then she probably shouldn’t be having sex, because that’s expecting the guy to take care of you, and that’s not his job — that’s your job. Same goes for the guy. If every sexually active individual took the responsibility to always be prepared for safe sex, the world would be a much better place. Don’t burden it with all this moral posturing about will I look too eager or easy. I know I sound like an old saw, but I simply refuse to see sex as power or anything other than what it is — a mutual and intimate expression of affection that, yes, gets very up close & personal and happens to also feel very good. I have never in my life met a man who was offended because I was able to provide a condom. Not once. Nor have I ever encountered a man who thought I was pushing ahead into sex too soon. Har! But it’s always been after having a conversation about safe sex. Not about what it means tomorrow (“You mean he had sex with me, but now he’s not my boyfriend/lover/partner?”). Consentual sex between me and a man does not put either of us in a position of genuine power over the other. There may be a resulting perception in one’s head that one of you is now in the “driver’s seat” or that someone “won” over the other, but that’ not real power, that’s ego. Likewise, (sorry Evan, I have to disagree with you on this one), withHOLDING sex does not genuinely empower a person; and if it feels that way, then it’s become game playing or manipulative. There’s a million reasons why either gender may want to hold off being sexually intimate. I’m not sexual with a man I’ve only known a short time because generally it takes more time than that to figure out if I’m both attracted to and comfortable with him enough to get that intimate at that early point. I can be very turned on by a man on a first date (or first glance, for that matter) and, if it seems mutual, I can express that in pleasurable ways — use your imagination here — without anything beyond very purposeful, articulate, protracted necking. No condoms required. And finally, I want to comment on Collins’ comments, which I assume are male, where he suggests that men hold out in order to drive up the value of male sexuality and to somehow lower the value of female sexuality. What is this, Econ 101? We are not commodities. And I don’t know about any other women, but I sure as hell don’t see women’s sexuality being all that overvalued, at least not on the planet I inhabit. You can’t drive to the grocery store without seeing a billboard with an scantily-clad young, thin woman with ample breasts advertising just about any product you can name. Women’s sexuality is cheapened daily in all forms of media. So, no, let’s NOT undervalue women’s sexuality, or men’s, shall we? In fact, let’s instead focus on elevating respect for each individual’s body and their right to set personal boundaries for that body, be it sexual or otherwise. As ever, thanks for reading!
Selena 20
Agree Zann. I also wonder if Collins viewpoint stems from being turned down for sex frequently. Hmm.
Andrea 21
I like Craig’s suggestion and with
Evan’s response to him. My response to Evan’s response to me: Of course it’s not shit if he means it but my inclination would be to not believe it even if he does mean it. I guess at that point I’d follow my instincts and see what happens. I’d like it if he meant it.
I like Zann’s response.
Collins 22
To answer Selena’s question: In my teens & early 20s, I was turned down for DATES a lot, before the question of sex could even come up. In high school, most of the girls already had boyfriends. And from college on, it just got worse: almost every woman I met was either married or otherwise attached. Even at bars such is the case; contrary to stereotypes, bars are not singles scenes in my experience. So now, at 31, I’ve written women off as unavailable for dates, never mind sex. I don’t rely on them for my happiness anymore. I occupy my time with activities that take one, not two. And to Zann, I’m sorry, but sexuality does have some economics to it, whether we like it or not. For example, a group of men gather around one woman at a bar, hoping to take her home with them. But only one (if she likes any of them at all) can possibly do so. This scenario is more common than throngs of women throwing themselves at, say, Elvis or the Beatles. Plus we guys are socialized to be pursuers when it comes to matters sexual. Hence my belief that female sexuality is valued like gold while male sexuality is valued little more than dirt.
Emma 23
Evan,
Unless a man really does need to be in a committed relationship to have sex, that sort of lie is a huge turn-off. If a guy said told me that, I’d a) think he’s being coy, and there is nothing less sexy than someone being coy or b) think that he’s a prude and wouldn’t be much fun in bed anyhow.
Sex needs to happen naturally. I’ve always felt that if no one brought a condom, that’s the sign that you need to wait for the next time. Or if a guy is over-thinking the bringing of a condom, then he’s over-thinking his perception by his sexual partners and probably has a problem truly being in the moment during sex, as well.
If we worry about how a person is going to perceive us and present to the world a misrepresentation of ourselves, we will attract the wrong people to us. My longest relationship when I was 20-22 was with a guy I slept with the first night I met. We broke each others’ hearts and have recently begun the process of trying to start something adult. We started it this time around by having causal sex, again. The sex allowed us to spend time with each other and realize how right we are for each other.
If I, last spring, had told him it was nice to have lunch with him, but I only have sex with people who I am involve with in a serious relationship, not only would he know that I had either become someone else or become a liar, but the progression wouldn’t have happened.
Jim? If who you are is a person who is terrified of a woman thinking that he’s either a slut or thinks she is, you should not be having sex with virtual strangers. However, if you’re doing this song and dance because of society’s pressure to force you to be uncomfortable with your sexuality, then drop it. The right girl for you will be flattered you came prepared. Hell, if she’s naked in your bed asking you do anything that would involve a condom, chances are she is comfortable with her sexuality, as well as yours.
Get over it.
Emma.
Evan Marc Katz 24
I’m not talking about games, as Zann suggested, or lies, as Emma suggested. I’m talking about both SAYING and MEANING “I don’t sleep with someone unless I’m in a committed relationship”. Why is this so hard to understand? Because most guys don’t do it and wouldn’t consider doing it? Well, that’s entirely my point. If they DID do it, we’d all be a lot better off.
I don’t judge anyone who hops into bed with a hot stranger, but I can state with confidence that nothing bad happens from discussing sex and reserving it exclusively for boyfriends/girlfriends.
Andrea 25
I just realized that I poorly edited my last reply and somehow left out some words.
The first sentence should read, “I like Craigs suggestion and AGREE with Evans response to him.” Further along I probably should have said “Of course its not shit if he means it but I’d be inclined not to believe him it even if he does mean it. ”
I am my own grammar police but sometimes catch these things too late.
Moving on, Evan later asked, “Why is this so hard to understand? Because most guys dont do it and wouldnt consider doing it?”
Yes, that’s exactly why. You’re right. If they did do it, wed all be a lot better off and nothing bad happens from discussing sex and reserving it exclusively for boyfriends/girlfriends.
alana 26
IMHO, saying I dont sleep with someone unless Im in a committed relationship is only truthful if you have a history of abstaining from sex until the commitment is declared.
So advising men to say it just to “try it on for size”, see how it feels and how women respond to it…when they don’t wholeheartedly, sincerely believe in the approach… is kinda asking men to play games with women.
I know that wasn’t Evan’s intent to ask men to lie here. So guys out there, if you’re trying this new “commitment first” program out for the first time, please be honest with the lady and at least say you’re “trying” to only sleep with women you’re committed to. A little honesty goes a long way for being able to look yourself in the mirrror.
alana 27
btw, one of my hottest memories was a date with this fireman. We spent the night in bed and kissed, but he wouldn’t even take my clothes off. When I practically begged him to, he said “believe me, I’d like to”, but wouldn’t.
Since he never asked me out again, I like to think he was one of the guys who believed in the commitment-first program. And while I’m sure he wasn’t trying to make me more attracted to him, his refusal to have sex with me made him a Sex God in my mind. I love to fantasize about him to this day.
So I do believe what Evan says about how there’s power in saying no. However, just because the power exists doesn’t mean people shouldn’t use it with integrity.
WannaGetMatzoBalled 28
I am surprised there aren’t more women writing to say “Amen” to this post, because if men did this it would make things infinitely better for us women. When to have sex and when to commit–even just in the sense of being “exclusive” and not dating other people–is a huge question mark in the beginning of a relationship. Figuring out the answer would probably be a lot easier if there is not a sexual relationship to deal with right from the start. Add sex to the mixture, and things get cloudy: you start to hope and wonder, does being open to a physical relationship mean being open to an emotional one? Is this the beginning of a romance we’ll remember for the rest of our lives? I think for most emotionally stable people, it is normal to believe that when you share each other’s bodies there is some kind of connection, beyond having the right parts that fit together. The problem is that the meaning of that connection might be so different from person to person that the partner that feels it more deeply is bound to be disappointed to discover that the other one sees it in a much more casual light.
You can’t possibly be on the same page if you can’t even discuss it. I know, we like to think that our bodies are magically communicating something with sex, and we think we’re having the same experience. Most of the time we discover that this is not the case, and that’s painful. And what I think Evan is saying is that, given the opportunity afforded by not rushing, there is a greater chance that other parts of the relationship will be in place; it won’t really matter what the individual twists and turns are, but you’ll end up together, at the same destination.
Naked, in bed, and maybe–on the way to the greatest love affair of your life. Sounds good to me.
Marcus 29
One thing that seems worth mentioning in this discussion is not just whether to have condoms available, but how to carry them. Body heat when carried in a wallet and the extremes of heat and and cold inside a glove box can deteriorate the latex in the condoms over relatively short times. Their designed to be kept at or near room temperature. If you’re going to carry one in your wallet or glove box for a date, don’t leave them there for days or weeks lest they fail, potentially leading to a much more complicated situation and discussion. A quick web search for “condom wallet temperature” turns up all kinds of resources on proper care and storage of condoms.
MP 30
I strongly disagree with Evan’s suggestion that men should tell us women that they don’t have sex unless they’re in an exclusive relationship. I went on a couple of dates with one guy who tried this tactic, and I have to say it went over terribly with me. It was the guy’s idea to bring me back to his apartment (I agreed because I liked him and I was horny), but then after we had a little fun, not involving actual sex, he told me he doesn’t have sex on first dates. I was thinking, why the hell did he bring me back to his place?! The second date the same thing happened, and I was left frustrated and not at all satisfied sexually either. So guys, if you use Evan’s idea, please PLEASE mean it and don’t lead us on and make us think we’re getting some when you have no intention of giving any. We women are frequently horny just like you guys, and if both people want sex, they should not feel at all taken aback by the fact that the man has a condom on hand. It is like bringing extra cash with you when you go out in case you need it to get home or whatever – it’s just more prudent to have condoms with you whenever you plan on meeting a woman, just in case there is a mutual spark. As a woman that carries condoms with me on dates myself, I can say that it’s ALWAYS a good move, for those rare occasions when a connection is actually THAT good that both people want to get together quickly. Believe me, women do not want to be stuck any more than men do in a situation where they want to have sex but can’t because nobody has a condom. In this just as in everything, better to be safe than sorry.
MP 31
p.s. As in that Sex and the City episode where Charlotte doesn’t have sex with her fiance until the night before their wedding and discovers that he’s impotent, I would much rather NOT get into any kind of exclusive relationship without a test drive. I mean, come on, nobody wants to work on a relationship and nurture it for weeks or months only to find out that one or the other person has problems with sex of whatever kind. Who has the time for that??
Andrea 32
MP: That reminds me that I’ve never heard a male version of the term “c*ck tease” and yet sometimes search my mind for one.
I like how the tables are turned down and the genders are balancing out in this regard.
Alison 33
I think Evan is right on – It has GREAT appeal but of course only when sincere. And the reasons for it are also about creating safety and comfort for the guy. Both can determine right timing and place, can look forward to it with anticipation and excitement, and when he gets the go ahead he knows it is meant. That can be freeing for a man too – so he doesn’t have to worry about about awkward or appropriate or sincere desire. Nothing bad about good communication or waiting. Also it is sexy when a guy can hold his horses- yes shows mastery and control and can translate unconsciously to the woman – as this guy has patience and will attend (maybe better lover)
Men I ahve known who have decided on this agree -
Of course no one is saying not to express one’s desire or suggest….It is amazing what a glance, a touch, a brush or simple hugs and contact can arouse.
But if potential relationship is what is on the table- waiting for BOTH to know each other better and ensure comfort is liberating and can lead to better sex and self-esteem!
Alison 34
As to MP- there is truth here too. Not everyone needs or wants exclusivity to enjoy a connection, casual or potentially other. It does help to have communication though and be on the same page. Much really depends on one’s objective. Being prepared is fine , and having sex early on is fine as long as both are comfortable. Yes Women can be just plain horny too. Then the guy needs to decide if that is really what he wants- and if he is ready to be perhaps just an amusement for a night, with no guarantees for more. Nothing wrong with that. Basically – be aware of what you want, what the other may want, and the consequences. Regardless of sex early on or later- it takes time to learn and know someone. It is still quite sexy to say No or not yet…with a twinkle
Lili 35
I tend to find those men who don’t give out easily. Ones that actually do mean it when they say that they don’t fuck around. Sure I feel frustrated, but I value them more than the ones who are after me to get laid.
I am like a man it that way.. what comes easily, I just lose interest, I got what I wanted, and my imagination is always wilder than they were.
When a man makes me wait, we build a connection by talking about safe sex, how we see the world, what is out relationship past.. the trust is born. Then everything seems so much more natural, and you can try things out feeling secure. So my point is wait and let the electricity to build up. The sex/lovemaking afterwards has really been worth it.
Men who have selfcontrol.. who are not after easy lay.. they are something I look out for, as I know they are worth pursuing too. Others just don’t interest me, I like the hunt that much..
Even with the frustration, it is worth it.. =D
Jeannie 36
THANK YOU EVAN!!!!!!!!!!! You are my hero.
Phillygirl 37
Great posts. I love Zann’s and Wannagetmatoballed’s posts. I even cut and pasted from matzo ball. I have JUST met a nice guy, last night was coffee at Starbucks, I’m more like Zann in my outlook and he was already wanting to kiss me. I pulled back as I’ve jumped into the sexual side of a relationship too many times too quickly. I really like this guy and want to go slow, BUT, question is, will he? This is going to be very interesting VERY shortly. I’m going to keep reading these posts as I’ve not been in this situation for a while. Yes Evan, I finally have met a guy who is not intimidated by my success and finds me to be very warm and kind. I know I was quite outspoken on the other blog about successful women.
And to matzo ball, I’m the lokshen and kreplach in the chicken soup…oy vaysmeer!
Thanks guys for a great blog!
WannaGetMatzoBalled 38
Hehe..thanks! I’m a Philly gal, too. Good luck, I’m sending you good vibes here in our “ugly” city. Hope it works out for you!!
jane 39
if all wait could wait and say no to sex more women would have the confidence to also say no and each relationship would turn into married as marc mentioned that being in a committed relationship does not mean marriage.
Franzie 40
I’ve learned more from these comments than I did with two husbamds and one and a half lovers. I’m almost eighty. Thanks, guys.
Blaire Allison 41
Great post Evan! I completely agree. It works!
BTW – love that picture of you and your girl from Halloween! It’s a classic!
Blaire Allison
The Love Guru
http://www.loveguru.net
khadine 42
I read this article in amazement…Are we still playing games around our health? Are perhaps some men and women still messing around without condoms perhaps because they never found the right time to bring the condom issue up????
Wouldn’t it be better to start educating all: that being healthy and ALWAYS carrying a condom if you are a single adult, sexually active (which is normal unless you are a freak) is the thing to do…naturally, without so much strategizing?
This is nonsense. Are you guys telling me that girls in America still don’t keep condoms in their bedside drawer for fear of looking bad????
Instead of advising guys to play around with silly phrases to pull out the condom, or give them hints on how to whip out the rubber most appropriately, I think it would be best to use this powerful media to teach people that it is silly in this time and age to continue feeling weird around it.
If we educate all to BE SAFE and expect the condom PRESENT at all times, let the condom be part of any date just like our cloths are, then there would be nothing weird about pulling IT out, no expectations would be broken or temper with nor awkward moments will occur.
It will be much easier and natural that if both consenting adults are feeling in the moment, and their cloths are off already, that the most logical move then is to put the condom on even if intercourse is no complete…no fuss, no surprises…it just gets on, without destroying the moment.
So Jim, does that means you are still getting oral sex without using a flavorful condom?
I think we need to start smarting up about the condom issue. It is only awkward if you make it so.
Mary 43
Well, all I can say is that, if a guy behaved as Evan suggests, my respect for him, overall trust, and degree of attraction would all skyrocket at once. It would also open up the floor as to what we were both looking for and, as Evan said, help to prevent a load of messy situations (no pun intended). I can’t say I judge a guy for carrying condoms, nor read anything into it more than he’s the prepared type, as I’m pretty good at telling when they expected it was ME they would get with ‘quick and easy’, and that’s a turn off no matter how attracted to them I am. But any man who’d think this through and be prepared not to have them on him, I applaud. I can definitely say that, even if I was not in the market for a casual relationship and he was, I would consider ‘just playing’ with him as at least I’d know he was solid.
monica 44
Well, by the nature of my education i mentally do not accept the ideea of casual, or spontaneous sex.It just feels unapealling for me to get soo intimate with someone you don’t really share anything with.Meeting people from other cultures years back made me familiar with the fact that this is reality on the hard way.And while i appreciate a man beeing prepared with a condom at any time, i would highly appreciate him to specify from the beginning that he has no plans or feelings for commitment, rather than acting the opposite way for sex only…I would see myself able to enjoy a one night onest stand this way and i would respect him for his honesty and responsability.
Anyway, Evan, if you weren’t already involved with a very good-looking and i’m sure-great lady, i would have been more than honored to have had a date with someone with your atitude at any age of my life…
m 45
Wow, by and large an amazing discussion.
I think the crux of what I am having difficulty with, Evan, is the inevitable reality that most men will not adopt your suggestion about embracing a exclusivity-based approach. Should they? Probably most of the time it would be emotionally healthier if men *and* women showed a little more restraint or discernment in their a) choices of sexual partners and b) the timing of their intimacy.
More communication = better than less. Just *talking* about sex before it happens is better, even if one is not adopting a less flexible stance of having to be in an exclusive relationship first.
Now, to MP, let me quote your whole post so that i don’t take anything out of context:
“MP Nov 7th 2007 at 11:40 am 31
p.s. As in that Sex and the City episode where Charlotte doesnt have sex with her fiance until the night before their wedding and discovers that hes impotent, I would much rather NOT get into any kind of exclusive relationship without a test drive. I mean, come on, nobody wants to work on a relationship and nurture it for weeks or months only to find out that one or the other person has problems with sex of whatever kind. Who has the time for that??”
Wow, you must be awfully young, MP. Yes, people should communicate about their sexual histories, functioning and libido with partners or potential partners, because, frankly, that’s only fair. The earlier it happens in the interaction, the better. But to suggest that you don’t have “time” to wait and see how someone’s sexual functioning works out is awfully immature-sounding.
*And* believe it or not, a hard penis is not the center of the known universe. i am in a long-term committed relationship with a man with Erectile Dysfunction, and i love him very much. He’s not wasting any of my time and cares deeply about my sexual satisfaction.
If one is *only* looking for a casual playmate, then of course, let blood-flow to the penis guide your decisions. If one is looking for a potential life-mate or spouse, however, i think blood-flow to the brain is rather more important.
MP 46
To M:
I totally agree that I may be very immature, since I am very young. (I’m 24) However, I have had a lot of experience with sex, and relationships as well, and precisely BECAUSE I am young, I fully expect men around my age to be healthy. It is true that many men have problems having sex including ED and others, but the majority of those close to my age should not normally have such problems, at least not yet.
Of course you are completely correct that intelligence, personality and humor are way more important in the long run, but since this conversation is based on a question relating to condoms, I think focusing on the sexual aspects of a relationship is appropriate, and what we’ve mostly been commenting on.
I was merely talking about the silliness that is inherent in this question about whether or not to carry condoms. On that particular issue, I believe myself to be very mature indeed. Everyone who is sexually active should have condoms in convenient but safe places in order to protect themselves to the maximum extent possible. We women should NOT think less of a man or judge him poorly based on the fact that he takes responsibility for his own (and our) health. In fact, we should (I do) think highly of him in that case.
MP 47
Also, I resent anyone’s assumptions (if anyone was thinking of these) that if they are in a long-term committed and exclusive relationship or are married, they have a special authority.
Sex and love are different for everyone.
We all have unique experience and I have been enjoying hearing everyone’s opinions on all sides of these issues.
MP 48
One more response – I mentioned the lack of time to wait because as I said in my original post, I have had at least one negative experience in which the man wanted, for some reason he WOULD NOT explain to me at all, to wait until he was in a true relationship before he would have sex with a woman. Frankly, he was not worth waiting for, and since he would not explain it to me, I could only assume that there was something wrong with him (physically or otherwise) or else he just felt like withholding information from me.
I am in graduate school, and I also work. So I’m sorry but I absolutely do not have the time (or patience, obviously) to date someone for months before I have an opportunity to see how they really are.
Furthermore, a person’s attitude and effort during sex is something that I have found to be highly reflective of their general personality. If they are selfish in sex, they are usually selfish in general. If they are generous in sex, they are usually generous in general. And as we all know for sure, people very very rarely change in significant ways.
MachineGhost 49
Great comments. I wish people in general were always this clear and communicative about their expections regarding sex and relationships. The condom issue is just a red herring.
I’ve always thought the problem, aside from submissive and aggressive biological hardwiring, is the dual nature that “dating” provides: an entryway into either casual sex or a serious relationship. Unfortunately, it’s just vague enough that it lends easily to deception. Women have to play dual roles to get attention from biased men (those that are making an effort and are almost always on one role), which doesn’t create a win-win situation when both parties are mismatched. Notice how most of those that said they would react disfavorably to hearing the phrase are sexually active singles, i.e. they’re not relationship-minded and just want sex. And vice versa.
Believe it or not, but I actually use the phrase and I’ve always meant it. But in my defense, I don’t typically associate with women that view society’s and the media’s unrelentless obsession with sex as the “Be All, End All, Big Whopper” that the majority perceive it as, so it doesn’t come off as insincere.
I’ll wager good money that 95%+ of guys would not be honest to suddenly start using the phrase, so I really favor the moderated version as suggested by Craig. Sorry, Evan.
MG
Phillygirl 50
MP sounds pretty mature AND very intelligent to me. He makes total sense and I did not see him write that you have to jump into bed on the 1st or 2nd date, what I DID see him write is that there is no point in waiting “forever” before you find out that you’re not sexually compatible. I am a 48 year old woman who was married for 22 years before divorcing, who at my “old age” I find that sexual compatibility is very important to me!! I am NOT trying to confuse the act of physical sex with love, I DO agree with M whose mate has E.D. as there is way more to a relationship than “blood flow to the penis”, however, at the same time, if one can be fortunate to have both, then I agree with MP.
By the way, I”M IN THE INFECTIOUS DISEASE industry…I preach safe sex weekly AND I practice it. I have never had a problem with a guy bringing a condom, but I’m always prepared and have never had the guy be insulted blah blah. I also do NOT “put out” right away, but there is a balance for me. I’ve had my fair share of dysfunctional men and it does play havoc with a relationship. PLEASE M, try not to judge my comments, I know that if I truly loved someone, I would just have to accept his dysfunctional problems, so I’m not judging you, I think you’re wonderful in fact.
Matzoball, yes isn’t Philly wonderful…I went on business to Temple Univ area yesterday and was petrified due to our “homicide city of the nation” reputation.
Again, M you sound really intelligent and cool and don’t let anyone try and take that away from you.
Tara 51
I didnt have the time to read all the other comments so this may have been said already, but i think its good thing to mention that leaving the condom in the wallet is a little unsafe since it can get warm w/ body heat. and leaving condoms in the car is even worse. if its hot out, the car is scorcing and the condom isnt supposed to be in high heat. if its cold out, the car is freezing and condoms arent supposed to be in very low temps. NEVER a good idea to leave them in your car!!! i say leave them at your house and hope for the best!
lny 52
It is very rare these days to get responsible advice from a man as in as Evan. Ditto Evan’s advice. Incidentally I am a woman.
Bluto 53
I think that is the dumbest Idea I have ever heard. If she is going to fool around with you on the first or second date then she isn’t going to be analyzing if he is thinking he would have gotten laid or not because she is more likely than not a slut. If it goes to the third and fourth date and they keep seeing each other (the first “couple” of dates) then something is obviously building and she will likewise understand that you are prepared as you had to expect it to happen sometime soon. Also reccomending someone not bring condoms with you is highly irresponsible especially since in reality many dates will involve going out and alcohol and IF that alcohol leads to lowered inhibitions on both thier part then if as you reccomend he not “whip it out” then many people might still have sex anyway- which might be irresponsible, but its reality. Also, as someone else said, it is not a wise idea to keep a condom in the wallet or the car, however it is better to take one along than to not bring any at all.
Kat Wilder 54
I don’t like to make hard-and fast rules about sex while dating. It’s a very individual thing. If he and I are both into each other, I don’t see a problem (and there should never, ever be a problem about safe sex, only if you don’t practice it. Who has the condom doesn’t really matter, does it, as long as it’s being used). And if someone is making the decision to have sex while in an alcohol-enhanced state, well, that’s just plain dumb. Control your drinking if you can’t make smart choices while under the influence (and few of us can). I’d actually push for no drinking on a first date over no sex.
The problem really is the expectations after sex, what it “means.” Many women expect that having sex with a guy means that it will lead to more dates or to a relationship. We all know that that isn’t always true. So if you are a woman who thinks like that, then YOU need to take responsibility and say what Evan is telling guys to say, “I don’t have sex, etc…”
Sure, withholding sex gives the person “power,” but being genuine, open and honest (and safe) to yourself and to a potential partner is way more empowering.
L 55
As a woman, I understand and respect Evan’s point about men showing restraint in the face of an opportunity to have sex. In the same way it is our reality that sex happens between married people, the couple that just met an hour ago, and every other situation between – so it is always better to be prepared than unprepared. I think sexually active women should have their own supply of condoms for the simple reason that they can know they have been stored in a cool dry place. You wouldn’t go on a camping trip with a first aid kit with one band-aid, so why limit yourself to having one condom?
I agree with the last comment that having a condom there plus a willingness to use it is most important, therefore I don’t see how the comments on this question never made it far past a discussion about latex. Anyone who would not use a condom during sex (at least in a non-monogamous relationship) is an idiot who puts him/herself and others at risk, and those who are going to split hairs worrying about looking awkward fetching one from the car or breaking the mood to head to the corner store is completely missing the point.
What is most important about Evan’s advice is that he is encouraging all people having sex to use their brains first. Given that 50% of the roughly 6 million pregnancies that occur in the U.S. are unintended, and that 1 in 4 college student has at least one STD (just to look at a narrow demographic) BRAINS ARE NOT BEING USED ENOUGH WHEN IT COMES TO SEX!!! Don’t get it confused: a person’s right to enjoy indulging their sexual appetite doesn’t make them entitled to a pat on the back for taking basic precautions when there is so much more thinking that aught to come after pulling out a condom.
If you are the type who prefers to have sex soon after meeting someone before it’s established that you are in a relationship, then make it a priority to have the conversation about safe sex and expectations (physical and emotional) ASAP – then get hot and sweaty all you want.
The condom (in addition to birth control) is a cornerstone of our concept of safe sex. But the point is that a condom DOES NOT protect against all the possible “OH $#!&” moments that can occur after what ultimately amounts to a brief sexual encounter.
Condoms break, pregnancy occurs my accident, diseases are caught, emotions are strained. Watch any daytime talk show and you see stories of mostly young, single people who are unfortunately joined at the hip because a child resulted from a casual sexual encounter.
WHY TAKE THE RISK? You might be consenting to one sexual encounter and think that with a condom you are good to go, but sadly the reality is that every time you get involved with a person EVEN WHEN SEX DOESN’T HAPPEN you can get more than you bargained for. PLEASE BE SMART!!
hunter 56
…I have said no to sex early on, and it does seem to turn up the heat. I stay away from the “sexy,’ women, I wonder if that has anything to do with it…on account of them being less experienced…I don’t carry a condom in my wallet, opportunities have always been far and few……
raygun 57
yeah, its funny how waiting a night or two before acting like the normal Neanderthal that we are makes the ladies go wild, “oh my god, he didnt try to sleep with me, hes so nice”
but seriously if there is no condom, in this day and age, would any guy just stick it in if it was a random hookup? have people forgotten about HPV or all the stuff that transfers from skin to skin?
hunter 58
To raygun,
be careful…….after three months of seeing my girlfriend, she finally talked me into “not” using a condom, and….she gave me an infection…a mild one, but, still an infection….
S 59
When a guy I started seeing told me that he didn’t think we should have sex before really discussing it and our relationship, it not only made me respect him, but it made me want him so much more. And he’s turned out to be the best guy I’ve met…I’m so used to having to say no, and am so turned off by the guys that try so hard to get in my pants on a first date…especially because I tend to like older men, so they think I am easy. But this one won over my heart. And the sex is great hah.
jimmy 60
i hate condoms and so do most women. i’m not convinced for the necessity of them except for avoiding babies.
Kay 61
First of all, it’s good to say that a man should say no to sex on a first date. Me and this guy once crushed on each other, and the idiot called and asked when was I going to let him have sex with me, and stated “he had a box of condoms in his truck”…are you serious??? That was the biggest turn-off for me. Number one, who said that I was going to agree to have sex with you? number two, somebody coming off strong to me like that indicates to me that you are a horny idiot who does not care about somebodys morals first. Everything about that was off-key. To me, if somebody had condoms ready, the first thing I’m going to think is, how many skeet skeets has this idiot been sleeping with? Then again, I can see how some people just want to be prepared just in case. Wow…I don’t know where the generation turned, but nobody is wanting to get to know anyone anymore before sex. Guess the epidemic of unwanted pregnancies, STDS and AIDS is not a big dea, eh? But I like the topic of this nontheless. It’s attractive when a man shows he has morals and values and shows that he is sincere without wanting to take advantage of a woman first….but, there aren’t too many out here like that.
sjg 62
I think this is a great answer – especially if you mean it. Even saying, “I don’t have sex with any one without discussing our relationship first so there’s no confusion,” would be good. Both avoid drama, confusion, and needless heartache. It never killed anybody to wait – contrary to popular belief.
pericles 63
Not having sex the first few times you go out is a very good idea, but shouldn’t we all be doing that anyway? I mean, what’s the value in meeting someone, who you barely know, and getting that intimate that fast? I have never really believed in “dating” per se; I tend to screen pretty heavily before I’d ever even go out with someone. And I do not see a lot of people. Maybe one a year. I’m pretty picky, but not irrationally so. I do not believe in casual anything, though, including sex or dating. I am also not looking to get married, either. I am looking for commitment, and that means most of the guys I get involved with are pretty damned serious to begin with, otherwise I don’t get involved. My mother (ironically!) always used to criticise this about me, that I always had “relationships” and never “dated”, like dating is a lot of fun. I would have to say that I used conversations in lieu of what others probably use dating for. I can find out a lot about someone long before investing time, money or strong emotions in them. And sex…. sex is for when you know, because you’ve spent enough time talking, how you feel about one another, and whether you have a hope in hell of making it as a couple. Otherwise, sex is of no interest to me. There’s got to be a lot going on between me and the other person before I’d even consider sex. It’s not worth it–too much gets lost when you give your body to someone indiscriminately, without forethought, let alone foreplay.
Colette 64
I think part of the issue is that there are some people who are just a lot more comfortable with casual sex than others. There’s no point in pretending you’re something that you’re not. A guy should have an opinion about whether he is okay with casual sex, and he should take full responsibility (as should every girl – no one’s off the hook) for making sure sex is safe no matter when it happens. But if he doesn’t like the idea of sleeping with every single girl he takes out for a drink, he probably has the maturity and restraint to enjoy her presence without taking his pants off for one night. And that maturity is evident in the way a guy carries himself in general – and it does make him more attractive.
But if a guy, or a girl for that matter, decides that in general it’s okay to have sex on a first date, he should own up to it, be honest with himself, and bring the darn condom. I would think that kind of guy ESPECIALLY should be watching out for his health.
Wanting to avoid appearing too eager in my view shows that the guy isn’t ready to be honest with himself or others about just how casually he treats sex. Not all guys are promiscuous, but many are, and more of them should just own up to it. Is sex on a first date ever really an “accident”? Come on. If you’re that eager to have sex you probably knew it before you left your house. If a girl thinks you are too slutty because you want the option of having sex on a first date while she doesn’t even buy her own condoms, maybe the two of you don’t share the same values and you shouldn’t be having sex with her anyway. She’s probably the kind of girl who is going to be pretty hurt when you don’t call her the next day. And that’s the underlying scary issue here: if you want casual sex, please please please don’t pretend something extraordinary is happening with a girl who’s going to be crushed when she finds out that it was meaningless. That’s just plain irresponsible and unkind. There are lots of other girls who ARE interested in casual sex and won’t stalk you or swear off men for life after a one night stand.
Personally… I’d opt for not having sex on day one, and I’d have serious questions in the long run about a guy who fundamentally disagreed. So I agree with Evan’s answer except for the fact that this is not about having more power, it’s about respecting yourself and your health, and making sure that the girl’s level of respect for you and for herself equals your own.
All that said, any single person should keep spare condoms at home, and if you’re okay with having sex somewhere other than at home on a first date, god help you to know that you’re the kind of person who should keep condoms strapped to your chest at all times.
Kay 65
Good Damn answer Collette!
Donna 66
I’d like to take this one step further. I am a woman in my 50′s. Condom use is for disease protection, HIV, Hepatitis, Herpes, STD’s. Personally, I hate them.
Impotence was also brought up. Many men at this age (not all men) have difficulty keeping the condom on, because having one on decreases sensation and at this age there is already a decrease in the ability on “keeping it up”. PS, for many woman, it also takes longer to reach peak pleasure. Oh Bother!
SO, what are your suggestions? How does a woman approach the subject when you are both ready to take it to the next level, of keeping it safe? The optionI see is blood tests before sex! (because the condom is no longer protection when it falls off mid sex!) How is that discussed without causing a man to look like a deer in the headlights?
PS: I bought my two sons condoms when they were 13 years old; put them in the medicine chest. However, we also discussed respecting and loving themselves, as well as the girl they may be with. My thoughts, better safe than sorry.
Have one with you. I know I’ve been in a situation that lust and passion would not wait -care to the wind!. If there was no condom, there would have been sex without it. I’m glad I had some in my drawer.
RR 67
My current guy turned me down for sex even though we met in a bar and I brought him home. He told me that he wanted to be able to call me. I’m not sure if this is because he has no respect for women with which he’s had one night stands, but it certainly melted my heart.
darryl 68
I tend to agree with the Zann and the other ladies. Sex is a natural thing that’s needed to build a healthy relationships. Do carry condoms with me all the time….absolutely not. If things go hot and heavy and looks like things will happen….no big deal I tell the girl flat out that I don’t have a condom and we need to turn down the heat in here and but when we schedule the next date….I remember to go to walgreens so I’ll be ready for the next time. It doesn’t make me a guy whose sex starved. I also agree to the that fact that sex should at least be monogomous. But how can that happen I keep rejecting the girl right in front me if not prepared this time.
Sandy 69
The reality is a lot of men want to have sex with no condom and women too. The above responsible posters are really the minority in this world.