Sep05
Why Reality Sucks, Fantasy Rules, and My Advice May Make You Upset
Pages: 1 2
I get lots of emails from readers. They generally fall into three types:
1) Praise – easily my favorite kind of note
Just wanted to say that yours is the first love advice column I have read on Yahoo that didn’t seem shallow…It actually makes sense and seems right on target to me!
2) Hate mail – very entertaining, especially when I read them aloud to Mom
I hope you know that your dating advice is such fucking garbage. Get a real job, prick.
3) Frustrated dating questions – heart-wrenching and all-too common
I always meet men who are womanizers no matter how hard I screen them. I am so attractive and classy and don’t know why they humiliate me in public but they ALL do it. Are all men just like this?
Not surprisingly, it’s the final category that I spend the most time on.
Now, despite what you may think, I don’t have an axe to grind against anyone. If men tell me I’m too harsh on men and women tell me I’m too harsh on women, I’m pretty sure I’m doing something right.
As a dating coach, it would be easy to simply validate every reader who asks a question. Tell her exactly what she wants to hear. I could write to the woman above that, yes, she’s an attractive, classy woman and that, yes, she deserves a lot better than these womanizing jerks. I’d add that there are definitely some nice guys out there, so she should keep on looking. Good luck and Godspeed!
Did you learn anything from that?
I didn’t think so.
My real advice to her would be to assess why she keeps on choosing womanizers. That’s her big problem. Lots of women end up with monogamous men, so clearly not ALL men can be scum. But some men will always be bastards. So why does she end up with them? That’s for HER to figure out, not the womanizer.
If you feel your blood pressure rising, and you think that if only “experts” like me placed the proper blame on men, this would all go away, I respectfully disagree. Jackass men don’t read my blog. Only people who are looking for a dose of truth, humor, and insight do.
Yes, I get it: Men are wrong. Men lie for sex. Men string women along. No argument here. But there is no power in pointing out the obvious. You know why? Because YOU CAN’T CHANGE MEN!
We can complain to the high heavens about guys and their immoral behavior, and guess what? Tomorrow, some douchebag is going to sleep with a woman he doesn’t care about and then never call her again. And around and around we go.
So…since you can’t change men and I can’t change men, how can we make sure that a) You don’t keep dating womanizers, and b) You understand that this is the way some men are, no matter how much we wish they weren’t.
If you’re a reader who has had it up to here with the opposite sex, I see my job as pointing the other side of the story. I don’t TAKE the other side. I just observe it.
Unfortunately, this approach tends to incite anger. The proverbial “shooting of the messenger”….
Continued on next page >>
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12 Comments »Filed Under Sex & Relationship Advice, Uncategorized
sheseizereason Sep 5th 2007 at 02:13 pm 1
I actually agree with you 100%, Evan. People like to vent in frustrating situations, myself included. Your advice is some of the best out there.
Erika Sep 5th 2007 at 02:46 pm 2
Please tell these readers–especially the ones who keep making the same mistakes over and over again–to get some therapy.
You give great advice for those who are able to hear it. But some of these folks are deep denial about their problems and that’s why they react defensively.
Sarah Sep 5th 2007 at 05:17 pm 3
Thank you for your complete honestly. Dating can be very tough, but being real with oneself about why they are single or not finding luck in love is the bottom line. I feel like you are able to draw this out of people, whether they are willing to accept or not. Tough love is necessary when giving dating advice, since too many want to sugar coat.
I have put a lot of your advice to use. No success yet, but I’m patient. I’ll keep reading on.
Thanks Evan!
Jessica Sep 5th 2007 at 06:32 pm 4
You are so right on!! The blame game is just an excuse… and an excuse, is just that…
Keep up the good work! I’ve learned more about men and dating in the last few months reading your blog than I had in the last 10 years of dating men!
Thanks!
tom pandolfo Sep 6th 2007 at 12:46 pm 5
Reality can suck, fantasy occasionally rules, but your article makes sense.
Alan Sep 7th 2007 at 05:32 am 6
Paraphrased from a Stephen King short story titled “Quitters, Inc.”:
When a romantic tries and fails, he is praised. When a pragmaticist tries and succeeds, he is scorned.
Keep succeeding.
Alison Jan 9th 2008 at 07:04 am 7
Evan,
What you say is SOO true. I have come to the same conclusions and observations from my own personal life, discussions with both men and women, and experiences with online dating (and reading profiles). Many do need to change expectations, face themselves fully (with humor would help), and just take a chance. Learning ones own preferences and communicating them, learning how to read cues from others, and developing better judgement leads to more chance for success. Also just plain luck!
Good luck to all, and Evan keep writing!
Alison
Janice Jun 4th 2008 at 06:45 pm 8
Bravo! Very well said. As Boz Skaggs once sang, “check out your own backyard, before you go checking someone else’s …”
Sahaja Jul 28th 2008 at 12:23 pm 9
Well here’s another easy to read response – Way to go, Evan! I love your approach – you are clear, concise, and open about what you think – with out being condescending to women or men. I hate the “how to nab him or her” advice columns that do nothing but put down people. They seem to assume that all women and/ or men are doing the same thing, and that none of us are level headed and can listen to advice, and deem to talk like we are nerdy adolescents. We all make mistakes and sometimes need someone else to point them out. Its like how I never realize ive gained or lost weight until i look at pics of myself- an extra lens can add focus.
happygirl Oct 11th 2008 at 12:37 pm 10
Evan,
I just wanted to share with you that you have a really great website. All your advice is straightforward makes a lot of sense,
I read your dating advice on a regular basis and I admit that I really feel that I learned a lot from it. I even referred it to a friend who thanked me for it.
Even though I am over 40… I believe you should always be open to learn and willing to make changes in your life. If that change is your outlook on dating, relationships. Why not!
Thank you
starthrower68 Mar 24th 2009 at 04:29 pm 11
Well I will say it this way: Evan your advice/observations are clear, concise, and I do appreciate how you get to the bottom line of things. I believe it works for people who are really serious and motivated to find the right person.
CoatMan Jan 1st 2010 at 03:11 pm 12
I’m a tall man who likes curvy/fuller figured women. And still have no luck in dating. Does that confound any of your theories…?