Sep05
Why Reality Sucks, Fantasy Rules, and My Advice May Make You Upset
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Let’s say I observe that a significant number of people lie in their online dating profiles. My advice, therefore, becomes “Don’t expect people to tell the truth in their online dating profiles”. I’m not telling people TO lie in their profiles. I’m not defending people who ARE lying in their profiles. I’m saying that people DO lie in their profiles. And if most people are insecure about their height, weight, age or photo, don’t be too upset or surprised when you see this happen again and again.
This applies to any way in which you’ve been wronged. And believe me, I hear it all.
“Tell women that we’re not just wallets who escort them all over town!”
“Tell men that they shouldn’t sleep with us if they don’t have long-term intentions!”
“Tell women that they should just stop playing games!”
“Tell men to stop being so superficial!”
Are you seeing a pattern here? Blame. Blame. Blame. Blame.
And what good does it do?
Do you actually think that it would make a difference if I said, “Men, you should start preferring full-figured women!”? Or “Women, you should start preferring short men. And guys who make less than $50,000/year. It’s what’s on the inside that counts.”
That’s not advice. It’s wishful thinking.
Saying “Women generally prefer taller men” or “Men generally prefer thinner women”, is not a value judgment against short men or curvy women. It’s an observation about the world. It acknowledges how tough and unfair it is.
Yeah, the negativity can get you down. The bad experiences can pile up. The lack of trust can be pretty staggering. Still, what choice to we have but to soldier on and make the best of things? So instead of being perpetually outraged that men hurt women and women hurt men, how can we try to rise above it? How can we see the world a little clearer? How can we navigate these choppy waters a little safer, as opposed to dreaming that they’ll magically turn placid?
That’s why I do what I do for a living.
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12 Comments »Filed Under Sex & Relationship Advice, Uncategorized
sheseizereason Sep 5th 2007 at 02:13 pm 1
I actually agree with you 100%, Evan. People like to vent in frustrating situations, myself included. Your advice is some of the best out there.
Erika Sep 5th 2007 at 02:46 pm 2
Please tell these readers–especially the ones who keep making the same mistakes over and over again–to get some therapy.
You give great advice for those who are able to hear it. But some of these folks are deep denial about their problems and that’s why they react defensively.
Sarah Sep 5th 2007 at 05:17 pm 3
Thank you for your complete honestly. Dating can be very tough, but being real with oneself about why they are single or not finding luck in love is the bottom line. I feel like you are able to draw this out of people, whether they are willing to accept or not. Tough love is necessary when giving dating advice, since too many want to sugar coat.
I have put a lot of your advice to use. No success yet, but I’m patient. I’ll keep reading on.
Thanks Evan!
Jessica Sep 5th 2007 at 06:32 pm 4
You are so right on!! The blame game is just an excuse… and an excuse, is just that…
Keep up the good work! I’ve learned more about men and dating in the last few months reading your blog than I had in the last 10 years of dating men!
Thanks!
tom pandolfo Sep 6th 2007 at 12:46 pm 5
Reality can suck, fantasy occasionally rules, but your article makes sense.
Alan Sep 7th 2007 at 05:32 am 6
Paraphrased from a Stephen King short story titled “Quitters, Inc.”:
When a romantic tries and fails, he is praised. When a pragmaticist tries and succeeds, he is scorned.
Keep succeeding.
Alison Jan 9th 2008 at 07:04 am 7
Evan,
What you say is SOO true. I have come to the same conclusions and observations from my own personal life, discussions with both men and women, and experiences with online dating (and reading profiles). Many do need to change expectations, face themselves fully (with humor would help), and just take a chance. Learning ones own preferences and communicating them, learning how to read cues from others, and developing better judgement leads to more chance for success. Also just plain luck!
Good luck to all, and Evan keep writing!
Alison
Janice Jun 4th 2008 at 06:45 pm 8
Bravo! Very well said. As Boz Skaggs once sang, “check out your own backyard, before you go checking someone else’s …”
Sahaja Jul 28th 2008 at 12:23 pm 9
Well here’s another easy to read response – Way to go, Evan! I love your approach – you are clear, concise, and open about what you think – with out being condescending to women or men. I hate the “how to nab him or her” advice columns that do nothing but put down people. They seem to assume that all women and/ or men are doing the same thing, and that none of us are level headed and can listen to advice, and deem to talk like we are nerdy adolescents. We all make mistakes and sometimes need someone else to point them out. Its like how I never realize ive gained or lost weight until i look at pics of myself- an extra lens can add focus.
happygirl Oct 11th 2008 at 12:37 pm 10
Evan,
I just wanted to share with you that you have a really great website. All your advice is straightforward makes a lot of sense,
I read your dating advice on a regular basis and I admit that I really feel that I learned a lot from it. I even referred it to a friend who thanked me for it.
Even though I am over 40… I believe you should always be open to learn and willing to make changes in your life. If that change is your outlook on dating, relationships. Why not!
Thank you
starthrower68 Mar 24th 2009 at 04:29 pm 11
Well I will say it this way: Evan your advice/observations are clear, concise, and I do appreciate how you get to the bottom line of things. I believe it works for people who are really serious and motivated to find the right person.
CoatMan Jan 1st 2010 at 03:11 pm 12
I’m a tall man who likes curvy/fuller figured women. And still have no luck in dating. Does that confound any of your theories…?