Comments on: Why (Some) Women Might Consider Settling

By: Aisling

Aisling — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 02:48:10 +0000

@ Baseball, #264: You are so right. This is all an unfortunate new phenomenon.

By: Baseball11

Baseball11 — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 21:32:00 +0000

Maybe settling is a new phenomenon.
I think that television, magazines, advertizements, etc. make people (women and men) think that anyone that has anything less than what the advertizements say is perfect are settling. I say this because I was looking through old pictures of my grandparents and relatives and all I could think about was this: how did my grandma land my grandpa! I love my grandma (and her sisters to death) BUT they were so fat I couldn’t believe it (and they all got married). I don’t think guys now-a-days would have looked twice at the Stanton sisters. Then again, my grandpa (and the men of his generation) really didn’t have anything to compare my grandmother and her sisters too as they did not see models/actresses on TV and; therefore, were not programmed like I am to think she was heavy (my grandparents couldn’t afford a TV set until the 60′s according to my dad) and he didn’t pick my grandmother out of a bunch of women on a computer screen either, he actually met her in real life and thought she was pretty and fun and fell in love with her.
My whole life my grandfather has been telling me I’m too skinny, I’ve heard it so many times that I now eat two plates of food when every I visit him just so he’ll cut me some slack. Maybe my grandfather wonders if my husband “settled” for me because I’m “obviously underweight and not healthy” which is my his own description of me at thanksgiving this year, while I keep telling him that at 5ft 7inch and 130lbs I’m within the normal weight range. Or maybe “settling” isn’t even in my grandfather’s vocabulary. Maybe he thinks my husband just likes “obviously underweight” girls.
My point is maybe people like heavy, bald, glasses whatever and have been convinced by modern media that they do not like these things and should view them in a negative light and therefore now people think they are settling. My grandfather sure doesn’t think he settled for my grandmother, maybe settling is a new phenomenon.

By: Lorna

Lorna — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 09:47:28 +0000

I am so unsure about what I want to do with my future that settling down with the first dude I meet at this time would be a mistake.

I turned 32 two weeks ago and have been thinking about a lot of things…

I had to put my life on hold for several years to take care of my dad, mom, and grandmother. I’ve learned through this experience that having children is not a guarantee that you will be taken care of later in life. If that were true my aunt and uncle would be caring for their mother…not me. I love her dearly though, and have been lucky to spend all this time with her.

So I feel like I want to take the rest of my 30s for me. i want to travel, progress in my career, buy my home, do more volunteer work etc. I KNOW that if I marry right now I’d be sad because I steered off course from the things that I’m wanting to do. Marriage means I have to consider his wants/needs, so if he doesn’t want to travel like I do, volunteer where I want then that would stink. But I’d have to let go of my dreams to accommodate his because in marriage you have to compromise. I’d be wondering ‘what if’ the entire time…I’d be miserable.

I’ve considered the possibility of simply staying single, I LOVE my freedom. But I don’t know if I’ll feel the same when i’m 40 or 50 or beyond…… So then…. marriage. Do I want it enough? Not right now no. Do I want to rush it to have kids? Not really. Do I want kids? I’m not sure. I plan on freezing my eggs in the next few months just in case I decide later on that I do want a baby. However I’m not opposed to adopting if it doesn’t work out.

You see? I’m a mess in terms of what to do so marrying now? No way!

By: Rochelle

Rochelle — Tue, 09 Oct 2012 21:35:02 +0000

I’m agreeing with Justme and Sayanata here. Being quiet, vulnerable, reserved, etc is not the same as low self esteem, low confidence, insecurity etc. I think the two concepts are being mixed up in Gabe’s posts. I also agree with Katarina, EMK and others in that emotionally healthy masculine men are attracted to a woman’s vulnerability but emotionally healthy men are not attracted to women who are insecure unless they have issues themselves. And I mean generally insecure because *everyone* has moments of insecurity.

It’s pretty appalling how a lot of people in our society assume you are insecure, a doormat etc if you are quiet or show vulnerability. And then it surprises them when you do assert yourself over something that happens. Some people are naturally more reserved and quiet. I’m more leaning to that side as well as many women I know in relationships with wonderful men. And I do have a high education and good career, not requiring a man who makes more than me. It is an information services support role that is full time, yet it allows me enough time for dating and other areas outside work. Not everything is so black and white.

Self esteem and confidence are related to each other. But being talkative and outgoing doesn’t necessarily mean you have high self esteem and confidence. Sure it can go hand in hand but there’s the saying ”The empty vessels make the loudest sound“ Some people are also naturally more extroverted than others and thrive on being around several people often. Some are naturally more introverted and need more time alone to decompress after being around too many people. There isn’t anything wrong with either, it’s just who they are and often unrelated to their esteem or confidence. And I am really starting to see in my life that these factors do tend to determine who a good mate would be. i.e. someone who is more of a complement in these areas to you than too similar.

By: Lele

Lele — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 12:04:47 +0000

Women seem unable to grasp this: men don’t like confident challenging women, because – unlike women – they don’t like trouble and drama. Men don’t want to compete in their relationships, because for them to compete with you, they have to see you as an enemy, which they don’t want.

In my experience, *every* woman who qualified herself as confident, I saw her as nothing more than a ball-buster. Next, please.

OTOH, I have known a few women who were confident, yet not challenging.

So, it’s not about women being insecure and coy. It’s about them not starting to throw shit at you as soon as you approach them.

By: john

john — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 18:58:06 +0000

i wouldnt say that it is a matter of matter refusing to settle, rather women over-valuing their true market value. A man that is a 10 may actually have sex with an average woman just for the hell of it, while a woman that is a 10 would never be with an average man unless he had money or some sort of high social status. So you have cases of a woman that is a 5 getting a taste of a 10, and then believing that a 10 is what she deserves, when that 10 never took her serious to begin with. So now u have an unremarkable woman expecting to have a remarkable man.

By: Katarina Phang

Katarina Phang — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 16:35:23 +0000

However, a woman can be secure and very feminine, soft, coy, sweet, shy and showing all the feminine traits that trigger attraction in men. I consider myself that type of woman.

Insecure? No. Sweet, soft, girlie and feminine? Yes.

By: Katarina Phang

Katarina Phang — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 16:32:33 +0000

Gabe, this is what insecure women do: they ask you all the time if they’re pretty, if you find them attractive, if there are certain body parts of theirs you like best, if you love them, if you are seeing someone else on the side, if when you don’t answer the phone you’re with someone else, they will throw tantrum at the slightest perception that they are being ignored, they will accuse you of cheating even when you are not and have been doing everything to show your love, they will call you 50 times a day and bombard you with text messages that if you don’t respond right away will set off their panic alarm, they will want to see you everyday and spend every weekend, they won’t understand that you want to spend time with your buddies and not with them, or that you need your cave time once in a while.

Are you sure this is the kind of woman you want? Somehow, I doubt it. No man finds this kind of woman attractive after a few weeks/months.

By: Sayanta

Sayanta — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 03:15:54 +0000

Gabe-

Are you sure you want your woman to run a business with you? That might make her confident ;-p

By: Sayanta

Sayanta — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 03:12:16 +0000

Well- i brought up the whole vulnerability issue with my dictionary comment a few posts ago! (see 225) Gabe ignored that but not the rest of my comment- so, I do not think he wants vulnerable. I think we should finally just take him at his word when he says he likes women with no self esteem and be glad that we’re not dating men with those kind of issues. Lol