Comments on: Why (Some) Women Might Consider Settling

By: Gabriel

Gabriel — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 06:59:08 +0000

And alot of women take out their “angst” on lesser attractive men as well.
I find it disconcerting that many of you antagonize and subsequently dehumanize men when many of us are stuck in the same boat.
I’ll give you a clue as to the central nucleus of your relationship problems: It’s YOU. Many of you (won’t mention any names) purposely maintain an unrealistic criteria in the arena of looks, status, etc. so you WON’T have to deal with members of the opposite sex.
We call this a “defense mechanism.” Boo, hoo, hoo. Sympathy called; he just dived out the window.
There ya go. Secrets out. You don’t have to pay me for my earth-shattering psychological theories; this one is on the house.

By: JerseyGirl

JerseyGirl — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 00:21:26 +0000

“try asking women that are not as “sexy.” Good looking women always have boyfriends, some women have a waiting line of guys. Until you get good at meeting, then, go for what you want.”
Yes. Please use the less attractive women to “play” with insincerely while you practice for the “hot” woman you think you deserve. Then hop on this blog and complain about how women like men with money. Because it’s okay for you to use women but it’s not okay for women to use you.

By: Karl R

Karl R — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 15:31:28 +0000

NotSureAboutThis, You're proving Evan's point for him. NotSureAboutThis said: (#179) "A new coworker recently joined our company. He is handsome, a soccer player, successful for his age, and just turned 30. The 20 – 40 year old women in the office are slavering over him, including me." Every woman who is 20-40 is chasing after this guy. How many of them will succeed? At most one. The women who are 35-40 have zero chance to marry him. (Maybe they can have a fling that's just a temporary diversion for him, but nothing more.) He can get any 20-30 year old he wants. But these women are ignoring the available 40-50 year olds in order to pursue a fantasy. And if the 40-45 year old men want children of their own, they probably think the 40 year old women are "too old". They're holding out for the 35 year olds. If the women at 35 are holding out for the 30 year old hottie, they'll lose their last chance at the 40-45 year olds. NotSureAboutThis said: (#179) "It’s time that society starts to recognize that those hard-headed, obnoxiously successful, overbearing women also like a bit of warmth, thoughtfulness and caring in a man, as well as a heavy dose of handsome." I already recognize that they want all that. I just don't care. If you're hard-headed, obnoxious and overbearing, you just lost your chance with everyone but the desperate. I want kind and caring too, not hard-headed, obnoxious and overbearing ... and I got I wanted without settling for someone like that. NotSureAboutThis said: (#179) "why do I want to date this older man? For his money? No, I make just as much money as he does. His money doesn’t impress me." Except your idea of compromise is to pursue the upwardly-mobile 26 year old or "successful for his age" 30 year old instead of the 6-figure 40-50 year old. Assuming the men in both categories are family-oriented and ambitious, none of them find you appealing. Think it through. If they marry you, they'll have to cancel important business meetings to pick the kids up from daycare when you're out of town on business. If they marry a part-time teacher at the local community college, this will never happen. They don't need your money; they have enough of their own. You hinder their career goals. (So the 20-30 year old women in your office are wasting their time on their gorgeous coworker too.) You'd be better served to pursue a part-time teacher at the local community college. He can be at home keeping an eye on the kids while he grades papers ... and you can be at the important business meeting. Re-read your post. You want the men who can have anyone they want. What do you have to offer them? Hard-headedness, obnoxiosness, and the ability to have your career goals interfere with theirs. What man would be won over by that sales pitch?

By: NotSureAboutThis

NotSureAboutThis — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 05:27:24 +0000

Evan, I understand your logic in encouraging women to “settle” but we live in an era where many women can achieve as much as men. Many women are CEOs, self-made millionaires, doctors, physicists, entrepreneurs, and more. Older women as well as younger women who believe they can achieve great success in life also apply that belief to their personal lives. A 40 year-old man with a 6-figure salary and great family values may be looking for a woman 30 and under, but as more 20-something women climb the career ladder and start earning 6-figures a year they ask themselves “why do I want to date this older man? For his money? No, I make just as much money as he does. His money doesn’t impress me. Instead I want to date the 26 year-old coworker who is on his way to making 6-figures a year.” When women become high achievers and high earners the money and status that a man has starts to diminish in importance. Instead, a man’s looks and his youth become more valuable in the eyes of women.

Men want youth and beauty but in a society where women are increasingly wealthy, powerful and influential, youth and beauty has become a commodity desired by both sexes. A new coworker recently joined our company. He is handsome, a soccer player, successful for his age, and just turned 30. The 20 – 40 year old women in the office are slavering over him, including me. Do we notice the 45-50 year old executives earning 6-figures? Not one bit.

It’s time that society starts to recognize that those hard-headed, obnoxiously successful, overbearing women also like a bit of warmth, thoughtfulness and caring in a man, as well as a heavy dose of handsome.

By: Elle

Elle — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 20:03:52 +0000

I haven’t read all of the posts, but felt the need to backtrack to the “settling” debate. I was pretty horrified when I read Lori Gottlieb’s original article in the Atlantic and had no desire to read the book she then wrote. I eventually read the book and found it fascinating.
I may be wrong, but I don’t think Lori has ever intended for anyone to marry someone they weren’t in love with. I think what people miss in her “argument” is this: instead of focusing on the “hot” men who aren’t suitable for long-term relationships, give some other men a chance, you may be surprised. I felt her original article did not explain this very well but the book does. She really isn’t advising anyone to marry someone for the sole reason of having children, she’s just saying “settle” meaning “look at the 6s and 7s instead of always looking at the 10s.”
I will also add that her book made me really sad though. Sad for my own missed opportunities (I am now 56).

By: sayanta

sayanta — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 23:44:46 +0000

Karl’s comment, #176-

I think a lot of women put career and education into their ‘quality’ basket. I don’t have time to look this up now, but from what I’ve read in news mags, the ratio of women to men in college, grad school, legal and med professions seems to be about 60 to 40, or maybe even 70 to 30. Of course, this is just America.

Men- as a whole- encompass half the world’s population. To get ‘quality,’ some women might have to look outside American nationality.

By: Karl R

Karl R — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 23:06:28 +0000

Tia said: (#174) "realistically, men will always have more choices than we do for mates, more quantity and quality." quantity: Until you get about 55 years old, the difference in the ratio of men to women is rather even. http://www.census.gov/prod/2003pubs/p20-544.pdf Any man who chooses to date online is facing a far worse ratio than women do in the general population. quality: Do you have any support for your claim that women are higher quality than men? Are there specific traits that you are focusing on? All of my experience suggests that men and women are equal ... as a general population. Specific individuals vary wildly from the median. Tia said: (#174) "I hope one day this one sided sexist paradigm will change where men might value a good woman and realize, yes time is ticking for him too." How are you defining this "good woman" that men allegedly don't want? To me, this sounds as unfounded as when some men claim that women don't want "nice guys." What is this one-sided, sexist paradigm that you're referring to? That women go through menopause and men don't? I could just as easily point out that women have a much easier time than men if they choose to become a single parent (like Lori Gottlieb). Women can go to a sperm bank and have their own child. If a man chooses to raise his own child as a single parent, he needs to find a surrogate mother. Time is ticking for men, even though they don't have as hard of a deadline as women do. It's true that a man can have kids when he's in his 60s ... but does he really want to be raising teenagers when he's in his 80s?

By: starthrower68

starthrower68 — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 20:49:59 +0000

Tia,

I saw a very funny quote by a woman once that read, “I’d love to be in a relationship if it weren’t for dating”.

By: Tia

Tia — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 18:56:01 +0000

as a woman i can cosign ( agree) with Ms. Gottlieb’s article. and it doesn’t even boil down to if you just wnt ch ildren you might want to settle. If you want to get married to a decent quality guy period, you might want to revise your list of qualities in a man. at 31 i am noticing that dating isn’t what it was when i was younger. ok dating has never been easy persay, but the men don’t get smarter and more mature , or more focused and likely to commit as they near 40.
I know what Ms. Gottlieb meant when she says settle, she does not mean in it in the negative way that some may think, although that little innocious word settle does sound quite nasty doesn’t it.

It means ok, he may not have the 6 pack and take vacations 2 times a year, or be firmly entrenched at his career, but he is reliable, loves you and seems to be a family man. I can imagine when im 40 it wont be any easier than it is now? why would it be.

So don’t settle, but just be more realistic, maybe that sounds easier to swallow, no one person will embody all of the qualities we have dreamed about, but maybe they have other ones that are just as admirable, it doesn’t mean h e can go a week without calling you , or call you fat, or ignore you when youre angry. unacceptable!

another thing, don’t approach love and dating as a chore, if you do it is exhausting, don’t screen every man as my potential husband/ or not. go with the flow, enjoy yourself, yes keep track of the milestones and that time is indeed passing, ask yourself the big questions when the time is right, but please do not make it unbearable simply becuase you are past 30 35 or 40 and single
but ladies, really.. time flies, and realistically, men will always have more choices than we do for mates, more quantity and quality. I hope one day this one sided sexist paradigm will change where men might value a good woman and realize, yes time is ticking for him too.. but that ain’t happening soon. so in the meantime, love yourself, be happy, have fun and be realistic

Evan, great post!

By: MSL

MSL — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 00:08:47 +0000

The funny thing is that most women I hear saying that they will never settle are not that smart, attractive or likable (not to mention that they may be financially unstable and come with a slew of emotional baggage). It makes me wonder if they ever realized that the guys they date just might be settling themselves.