Why Won’t He Take Steps To Finalize His Divorce?
Pages: 1 2
I have been with someone for six months. He and I are very compatible and have a great time together. He has two kids who I’ve grown to adore. The only problem is that he’s still married.
He’s been separated from her for three years (she cheated on him). He wants a divorce from her and she’s a massive pain to him, but he just won’t take the steps to begin his divorce. Until recently, he was still paying her bills on top of his own (she refuses to get a job because she’s a “musician.”) She has custody of the kids and all he can talk about is getting custody of them, but I can’t get him to begin to take the steps he needs to go through to get to what he wants.
On top of this, any time I bring it up, he accuses me of being worried he wants to go back to his wife. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I just want him to be happy and it is obvious to me that he’s not happy in his current situation. Please help me. I love my boyfriend and he loves me. I love his children. I just want him to take the steps towards being legally separated from her. -Caitlin
There’s absolutely nothing preventing your boyfriend from getting a divorce.
Your question reminds me of one I got a year ago, in which a man wrote in that his girlfriend wanted him to get a divorce, but he wouldn’t because he was on his wife’s healthcare. In that instance, I sided with him. He was clearly in love, but he was caught between a rock and a hard place, because getting married would cost him tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills.
It was one of the rare instances in which the majority of my readers disagreed with me. And while I haven’t changed my position one bit, it’s always stuck in my craw that I couldn’t get more people to see his point of view.
And that’s why I chose your dilemma, Caitlin. Because while your situation is similar, there’s a very important distinction that tilts my sympathies in your favor:
There’s absolutely nothing preventing your boyfriend from getting a divorce.
In the previous case, a divorce wouldn’t benefit the man at all. In your case, a divorce would free him officially from his ex and allow him to start over with a clean slate.
 |
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared. |
Do You Want to Attract the Partner of Your Dreams?
If so, sign up for my free dating and relationship newsletter and receive my free eBook, The 5 Massive Mistakes You're Making In Your Love Life - And How to Turn Them Around Instantly. Simple and effective advice to jumpstart your love life.
53 Comments »Filed Under Dating
Teri 1
One excuse could be: why should he? he doesn’t want to marry again, there is no reason to.
Diana 2
Your boyfriend may genuinely want a divorce, but he lacks the motivation to do anything about it. It’s easy to want something, but it’s an entirely different process to act upon it and to do the hard work it takes to bring it to fruition. The reason(s) for his lack of motivation could be many. You don’t explain how you bring the issue up or specify what you’re asking him, so it’s difficult for anyone to know how to advise you.
As difficult as it may be to understand, there is some kind of payoff or satisfaction he’s receiving by not moving forward which is greater than his state of unhappiness. He may not be insightful or self-aware enough to recognize this.
At the end of the day, no matter how great your love, support and encouragement are, they are not going to be able to get him to change this part of his life. He is the only one who can release himself from a way of life that he has chosen to live. It has to begin and end with him. In fact, your best intentions could actually push him farther away from dealing with the issue. Your continual, loving presence in his life, despite the circumstances, might make him feel that he doesn’t really have to change anything. It’s status quo.
The decision you have to make is whether you’re comfortable waiting for a hoped for outcome that may not happen, and for how long. How much do you love him? More importantly, how much do you love yourself?
Gem 3
Look, it really doesn’t even matter what his reason is. You got involved with a married and unavailable man. It may have been acceptable to you at first if you thought divorce was coming, but you now can see it’s not a priority for him.
I’d tell him that since he has unfinished business and is unavailable (emotionally, psychologically, or whatever) for a new relationship, I’m leaving, and when he is free he can look me up.
But since you’re not, IMO, being completely honest with yourself due to your reason for wanting him to get things moving that you “just want him to be happy,” I suspect you’ll be strung along for years.
Don’t do that to yourself, run, date others, and let him figure out what he intends on doing without dragging you into this drama as well.
Kim 4
Caitlin, I saw the title of this post and I thought uh-oh, this sounds wayyy too familiar to me. I was involved for two years in a similar situation with a man whose wife not only cheated on him, but moved out and moved right in with the guy three years earlier. He didn’t want to get a divorce and would say the same thing … “I’m not going back to her, so why are you worried? Its a non-issue.” He was paying for her health insurance, life insurance, and cell phone. Finally, she hired an attorney and went after his house, retirement and alimony (he had custody of the 1 child still living at home). He waffled about getting his own counsel until things looked bad for him, and then in the end, she ended up getting his entire retirement savings, but not the house or alimony. I was there for him all through this, supported him emotionally and listened to his rants against the soon-to-be ex wife. The end of the story? Right before his divorce was final, he broke up with me, and then two months later, after the divorce was final, started dating this woman whom he works with, and he threw me out like last year’s trash. He basically cut off all contact with me, saying his new gf wouldn’t like him talking to me, and that our friendship “wasn’t worth it.” Now, I’m not saying that your guy would be so cold and callous as this jerk, but be careful. I thought this was the love of my life, and in the end, he used me as a salve for the pain of going through the divorce. My guess is that the new woman wouldn’t date him until his divorce was final, and when he saw that it was imminent, he got rid of me as fast as he could.
Be very clear as to whether there is a commitment from him, and what happens to the two of you post-divorce. Be listening for statements of the future that include the two of you, like “we will do this, or that,” and “our lives,” “our home,” and so on. If you aren’t hearing sounds of a commitment in the future, and he isn’t making a move to get the divorce, you should be wary.
Monica 5
Caitlin, I do not know if the reason a woman will not divorce her husband would be the same for a man, however, I have been separated from my husband for 7 years now. The reason I have not divorced him is because I havent found anybody that I want to marry yet. Of course I am looking, do go on dates, and have had boyfriends, but none have lasted long enough for a serious relationship. In your case, since you have been with him in a serious relationship for 3 years, I think that it is time for him to divorce if he wants to have a future you. It took me along time to finally get over him. I think I was also hoping that maybe by staying married to him, one day soon we would get back together. Maybe he would beg me to come back to him. He never did. You should tell him to divorce asap. If he still refuses, he may not be ready to move on.
Margo 6
Caitlin, this is a BAD situations because no matter what his excuses are for delaying the divorce, you want to be married. Tell him if he won’t divorce her, you’re leaving.
Lance 7
As everyone on this forum should know, divorces can be super complicated and take a long time. There may be factors that Caitlin hasn’t listed, especially financial ones. I have a friend that has been separated for 3 years and the divorce, while in the works, is incredibly slow and tricky because of all the financials: two kids, co-owned property including a foreclosure, they live in different cities, he changed jobs etc. They’re both dating other people and the fact that they’re still legally married hasn’t been a roadblock. This requires good lawyers and accountants to work through, not dating advice.
On another note, Caitlin should find out what the real considerations are and respect his timeframe is it’s legit.
Angie 8
Hi Caitlin,
I can empathize with your situation, but seeing that it is YOUR feelings and emotions, I don’t think you should go to your boyfriend with the idea: “I just want him to be happy and it is obvious to me that he’s not happy in his current situation.”
YOU aren’t happy, whether or not you believe that he is unhappy, and YOU aren’t happy because he has a massive roadblock up that is obviously impeding your relationship from progressing. Make this about YOU.
If he is financially unable to get a divorce at this time (which seems questionable if he is footing his wife’s bills) OR even more important, he feels this will damage his relationship / the time he gets with his children, back down and decide if you are in it for the long haul.
I agree with Lance… find out his timeframe. If there is no gameplan, you better take some time and think.
SS 9
I agree with Angie. (Well, I agree with almost everyone so far.)
This statement.. “I just want him to be happy and it is obvious to me that he’s not happy in his current situation,” seems to be a bit of reaching on the letter writer’s part to make it seem as if she’s not ONLY thinking about herself, but about her boyfriend too. I find that women (yes, I am one) do this a lot… like if a woman knows a man she’s dating is seeing someone else, she’ll say, “Well, I should tell the other woman too for HER sake.”
But is that really it, or is it more of a need to get some semblance of revenge? And in this case, is it really about wanting the boyfriend to be happy or the fact that SHE is unhappy and wants things to change? Own your emotions instead of trying to put up a seemingly altruistic front to deflect from the real issue here.
Anyway, right now, this man seems to be perfectly fine with the state of his relationships as they are. He might not be happy or the situations might not be ideal, but he hasn’t finalized his divorce for a reason — and that reason doesn’t matter. The question Caitlin should be asking is why she’s bothering with this. Six months is not terribly long to cut her losses and move on, and no, no ultimatum needed.
I wish people who choose to date folks who are still married would think about these things before they get themselves emotionally involved. It’s very likely that your married boyfriend/girlfriend has no plans to divorce for a long time and if marriage is what you want, you’re chances of that are immeasurably better with a man or woman who is NOT married when you meet him or her!
Kate Candy 10
I’m separated and have no plans to divorce my estranged husband. We are not romantically involved, but we are close friends. People who date me want me to get a divorce. I explain that I have no plans to do so and ask what my being divorced would change. That stumps the men I’m dating and they realize that our relationship would be no better, no worse if I were divorced.
In the case of the LW, she sounds very angry to me. She is angry that her boyfriend is spending so much money on his ex, and that he has not moved forward to get custody. I think the LW has no idea how complicated divorces can become. Even simple ones require time and a few hundred dollars. As Terry (#1) posted earlier, why should he? Men love to complain about their ex-wives. It’s best to shut that down. After all, he married the woman and had children with her. So she cheated on him. That doesn’t make her an evil person.
As everyone here has noted, this is about the LW, not the man. He doesn’t want to get divorced. If he wanted to, he would be. It also sounds to me that this relationship is flawed and his being divorced will not change that.
The LW should move on to another relationship. She’s learned what she needs to from this one.
JB 11
The question really is…….with a hundred million SINGLE(not married,seperated etc…) men on the planet why do SOME women have to get involved with married men and then piss and moan when it’s complicated and doesn’t work out smoothly?
I date seperated women all the time,ya know why? Because I don’t want to get married and they can’t ask anything of me because THEY’RE M A R R I E D !!!
Steve 12
He has been dating her for 6 months. If he is very interested in her it would seem that he would have voluntarily and proactively explained why his divorce is taking more than 3 years.
Am I being naive in thinking this?
starthrower68 13
I am not without compassion for Caitlyn because she loves this guy but it’s time for them both to fish or cut bait. I suspect that while the dude in question loves Caitlyn, he’s holding on to the situation for as long as he can and recognizes that it has a shelf life. He may be sad if Caitlyn leaves but deep down he knows he wasn’t willing to do anything to change the situation.
Ruby 14
“She has custody of the kids and all he can talk about is getting custody of them, but I can’t get him to begin to take the steps he needs to go through to get to what he wants.
On top of this, any time I bring it up, he accuses me of being worried he wants to go back to his wife.”
If he really wanted a divorce, he would take the necessary steps. Perhaps he really would like to go back to his wife, even though he may realize that it isn’t possible. He may really want custody of his kids, but he isn’t ready to cut the cord with his ex. Or -and this might be the most likely scenario – he just doesn’t want to remarry, so staying tied to his ex gives him a convenient excuse to avoid it.
He hasn’t even started the steps towards a legal separation after 3 years? Something is very wrong here. How much time has Caitlin got, because she’s got a long wait ahead of her. Being separated and actually being divorced are two different things.
Venus 15
I agree with Terri @ 1.
He’s probably not interested in getting a divorce. This way he can keep his make-believe family intact and avoid making a commitment to another woman. Chances are he still secretly harbours hopes of getting back together with his ex. How much more time are you willing to spend on this?
InsertPseudonymHere 16
” Even simple ones require time and a few hundred dollars.”
Wow. What state is this in? In Cali it takes several hundred dollars in court fees just to file the initial petition. Maybe a short term marriage with no children, property or support payments can be this cheap. I came out of a divorce with essentially no contested property claims and near complete agreement on parenting and custody. It did take about $6k in mediation and individual consulting lawyer fees before we both had a clear realistic picture of what support would look like. After that, we spent a total of another $10k before the agreement was completely drawn up, all the little details were hashed out and various fees were paid. Oh, it also sucked up about 200 hours of rather emotionally draining hours of my time over a period of several months(*).
Why the long tale? His divorce is is going to be expensive. His divorce will take an emotional toll over a long time. This is why people dread the task. Relationships with pre-divorced folks are harshly tested by the process. Oh, and even if the relationship survives, the divorce process can be a time of self-evaluation and some people come out of it with a different direction in life. This is the reason many people on Match.com treat “separated” as a deal breaker and filter them out of their searches. When I was separated several potential dates declined to meet me specifically because of that. I never understood why until I came out the other side of the tunnel. Good luck.
(*) Part of that soliloquy is venting about how f**d up it is that you can get into a contract so easily without appreciating the 20+ pages of legalese needed to end it.
Also that even a non-adversarial mediation process feels like a scam. They bring up details we never would have considered and probably would not have missed from the agreement, yet they became talking points at hundreds of dollars/hour. Oops!! Still venting! 
Zann 17
Oh come on. Sure, divorce is usually a very unpleasant thing. It can be emotionally wrenching while at the same time tedious, all while ripping up your self-esteem. But this doesn’t sound like a case where divorce proceedings have simply gotten bogged down in the fine-tuning of custody/property/financial issues. This guy hasn’t even started the ball rolling. I agree that the reasons don’t really matter, and it likely has nothing to do with love or a lack of it. But he’s still in a marriage, still complaining about it (victim), and yet not taking any steps to get himself out of it. That tells me he feels quite safe and secure in his self-made prison, while enjoying the company of Catilyn. And not to put too fine a point on it, but you have to admit, there’s nothing quite like still being married to make you marriage-proof in the dating world.
I know the last thing I want to be doing in a developing relationship is trying to convince my man he should really, really get divorced. That’s something he should want to do because he wants to be free to get serious about me. But he should also want to do it so he can get on with his life in general, instead of just complaining about it. As for Caitlyn, I just hope she believes that her discomfort with this situation is reasonable and that she’s not responsible for his happiness — he is. I’m sorry, but he sounds like he’s got some serious whiner-blamer potential to me. And I’m sure it’s no picnic for his kids, either, being in this limbo for 3 years, while mom and dad do their immature feuding and complaining about each other instead of getting on with their lives.
morgan 18
Maybe he’s just delaying the inevitable trip to the cleaners. It’s no fun facing the fact that you’ve been a cash cow to an entitled princess (which is what she sounds like).
Or maybe he hasn’t moved on emotionally.
Or he has moved on and sees no particular reason to get divorced, like some people see no particular reason to get married.
You won’t know until you push the issue, which after three years seems like a reasonable thing to do.
There’s another version of this story where he’s divorced but still hasn’t moved on emotionally – it isn’t always about the piece of paper.
nathan 19
I was involved with a married woman for about a year recently. There was a lot of wonderful things about the relationship, but she was also stuck when it came to making things final with her husband. It was all quite complicated.
But my main point in this discussion is that while I believe these situations can sometimes work out, what my own experience as well as what I have seen for others, is that the whole ground upon which the relationship is built isn’t stable. When one or both partners come into a relationship with this kind of unfinished business, they tend to be muddled and unclear. So, even the best expressions of love and desire for a future together are mixed with tangles from the past.
I think you do have to be direct and find out where this guy stands. And even though it might be terribly hard, if he doesn’t want to make a plan, take steps, or offer some really good reason for why things are as they are, it’s best to leave.
I was basically forced to leave, which maybe was just as well. Whatever you do, Caitlin, don’t let the same thing go on for years on end. It will be much harder to break free the longer it goes.
JB 20
For the record….it’s usually women that won’t date separated men or filter them out online.I’ve never met one guy that has said they wouldn’t date a separated women just because her divorce wasn’t final etc….especially if the said woman was attractive.
Every online dating site can track and prove that men have no problem contacting “separated” women about 100X more than women will even respond to an initial contact from a separated man.
Steve 21
@JB, post #20, why bring that up in the conversation? Do you have a problem with men? FWIW, to put it crudely, I could probably go to bed with a different woman each week from the pool of married friends I have who have let me know that they are there for the asking. To spoil your rule, I am one man who does not date married or separated women.
m 22
“I’d tell him that since he has unfinished business and is unavailable (emotionally, psychologically, or whatever) for a new relationship, I’m leaving, and when he is free he can look me up.”
What Gem says.
I am usually hesitant to be harsh about my own gender’s choices — we get enough of that from the general population — but I really wish we would stop dating people who are not yet divorced. If that just stopped, separated men wouldn’t have all these fancy little options to encourage them to drag their feet, and if they really wanted the new woman they’d met they’d step up and get a move on with the divorce.
It’s a lady’s scarcity mentality that breeds that “I’d better snap him up right away before he becomes fully available” mentality, and men prey on us as a result.
Steve 23
The common wisdom is to not get involved with someone until s/he is complete divorced and has had time to sort their lives out. EMK has a nice saying that tells people to look at what people do, not what they say. These two ideas seem to cover all bases of this situation.
Starr 24
As a recently divorced woman, I couldn’t WAIT to get the final paperwork and move on. Could it be possible that these people who don’t get divorced may still want to be together? I would not date a man who was still married, i.e. separated…too many loose ends and potential problems (like this).
Based on the responses here it is clear that relationships are complicated and we all vary in what we deem acceptable and if a person is happy with whatever situation they are in, then great, but this women is clearly not happy with the situation and may benefit from broadening her prospects. If this guy is really serious about her, then he’ll take steps to proceed with a divorce. Or not. And then she’ll know if he’s the one for her.
Margo 25
@M #22, agreed. This is just a bad situation. The OP should run from this fast. This man refuses to go ahead with the divorce. He is only concerned about himself and his own emotional and financial needs right now. Whatever he chooses to do at this time, whomever he chooses to live and spend time with, He’s still married! What don’t women understand about that?? Another dating coach has said, “If he’s still hers, he can’t be yours!”
Laine 26
Gem at #3 summed it up succintly. Separated men are unavailable as they have unfinished business emotionally, legally and financially despite them often believing otherwise. They may feel ready to move onto another relationship, when infact what they are doing is covering up the pain of the marriage breakdown. They move from having a sense of being part of a couple, straight into still being a couple. Any psychologist worth their salt will tell you that you need time alone between relationships to find yourself as an individual again and not transfer problems in the marriage onto the next relationship. Separated is just another way of saying”still married”. Move on and tell him you can no longer see him whist he remains married. Good luck to you.
Janet 27
When a relationship lead to this kind of situation, there is usually something else involved rather than purely love. I think there is something about financial issue and getting divorce would be super complicated with the legal system.
Lance 28
@Kate Candy, love your response. If you’re still reading these comments, what are your reasons for NOT ever getting a divorce? That’s interesting information.
Kate Candy 29
Lance, thank you for the compliment. Here’s why I don’t divorce: 1) I was the defendant in a very ugly lawsuit. I can’t deal with going to court again. 2) I planned and paid for the wedding. If he wants a divorce, he can file the papers and pay for it. 3) I really liked being married. Before I got married, everyone (and I do mean everyone) wanted to get their two cents in on my being single. ”Have you met anyone” and “Is it going anywhere” were frequent questions and I felt bad for not living up to everyone’s expectations. Now, people ask if I’m married, I say “Yes,” or “Yes, I’m separated” and it’s a different conversation. and 4) I’m an orphan without siblings. My ex is my emergency contact. When I tell people I date these reasons for not divorcing, they say, “Yeah, but….”, but what? My ex has a girlfriend. They live together. We’re all cool. What’s the big deal. And ps, I don’t have any problems getting dates. As someone here said, guys aren’t that reluctant to date someone who’s separated. At least, they know I won’t pressure them to get married.
Goldie 30
@ Kate #29, I guess I do understand your reason #4, but not the other three. ##1 and 2, if you guys are all cool, you can settle out of court for a very low amount. And #3, first of all, who cares what people say? Second, yeah when I was 20, everyone was in fact asking why I was still single and whether I had found someone and there was this really nice boy they knew… no one asks me now. I guess after a certain age, provided you’ve already done your time, you’re allowed to be single
And finally, if you want people to think you’re married, well just tell them you’re married – what are they going to do, ask for your marriage certificate? 
As far as getting dates, heck I could get dates (if I wanted to) when I was still married and living together… A serious LTR is another story. If a man has not finalized his divorce, doesn’t have a good reason why, and cannot tell when it is going to be final, I’d be leery of entering into an LTR with him, because to me it’d be like living on a ticking time bomb – anything could happen any day, from him going back to his wife to his wife suing for alienation of affection, cuz guess what, I am living with her husband… unless there is a compelling reason for him to be separated and not divorced, I’ll pass.
Not trying to convince you or anything, it’s just that three out of your four reasons don’t sound compelling to me.
Kate Candy 31
Thank you, Goldie. Most people will agree with you. As for an LTR, I think someone posted that women are more leery of men being separated than women being separated. All I can say is that my getting a divorce would be painful. I can avoid that pain. People are really freaked out by this. I think people do not like ambiguity. One should be married or divorced or single. But as I say to the guys I date, I would still be friends with my ex even if we divorced. We are not trying to get back together. I think male-female friendship is difficult for people to understand. On some visceral level, people do not want my ex and I to be close friends. Everyone is confused by this. I think if people were a bit more open-minded, relationships could flourish. Women want to possess men. They want to be the only female influence on men, so they limit their men’s interaction with other women. My ex’s girlfriend does not want him to spend time with me. He still does. I’ve told him that he shouldn’t lie to her; he says he’s not, but I think she’s made such a fuss that he avoids being truthful with her.
And this is important to women who read this blog. Men will do what they want. My ex wants to see me. He does not want to sleep with me. That’s why we separated. So he meets me for lunch and coffee before he goes home. His girlfriend will be away for part of the summer and we’re planning our 4th of July barbecue. People who read this might be outraged. People will think my ex is a jerk. But he’s not. Relationships are complicated.
People want things in neat black and white rows and columns. The OP that started this thread wants her boyfriend to divorce. That will make everything better. If only, he were divorced! But then what? This guy has character issues that will not be solved by him signing divorce papers. The OP is not listening/hearing/interested in who the guy really is or what he really wants. She’s making decisions for him. He’s not happy. She’s not happy. Bad.
SS 32
@Kate 31
And this is important to women who read this blog. Men will do what they want. My ex wants to see me. He does not want to sleep with me. That’s why we separated. So he meets me for lunch and coffee before he goes home. His girlfriend will be away for part of the summer and we’re planning our 4th of July barbecue. People who read this might be outraged. People will think my ex is a jerk. But he’s not. Relationships are complicated.
A while ago, I might have been outraged, but a little bit of age and wisdom has led me to recognize that situations don’t always fit into neat little boxes.
HOWEVER… there is still a lesson that people can learn from your experience and that of the letter writer, and it’s called knowing what you want.
For example… when I was a never-married woman, I dated a guy who was separated (didn’t know this at first… he said he was divorced, but that wasn’t it). So many people said I should give him time, but I moved on after a few months and cut off contact with him. Why? Because I wanted to be married. I wanted someone who did not have lingering ties with an ex-wife and a complicated situation that had nothing to do with me. Women who don’t want to deal with other people’s complicated situations should not get involved with people in complicated situations.
On the other hand, I know people who have been married before and are now divorced and not looking to marry again. They might enjoy dating and having a “companion,” but they don’t want to move in with that person, live day-to-day life with that person, etc. This person might be the perfect candidate to date a separated man or woman.
But for all of the women I know out there who have never been married, want kids before it’s “too late,” etc., I don’t understand at all why they put themselves in a situation where they are dealing with a man who is not only not in position to really offer them that, but has no plans whatsoever to reduce contact with an ex-wife/wife and her family. And honestly, why should he just because YOU, a new prospect of six months or less, came along and want more?
It’s best to leave a separated person alone if marriage is your goal.
Shouraku 33
I personally would not enter into a relationship with a separated person, and not because there exists the chance that they may go back to their spouse or be emotionally unavailable. Many people (like Kate Candy #31) are rational and have a good hold on their single life even though they are not divorced. Thus, I am not worried about what will happen if out relationship “doesn’t work out”, but I am worried about what will happen if it goes very well.
My issue is with the legal state that a separated person is in. Separated people are still legally bound to another person. This means that (in many states) my partner’s ex receives protections like: partner sick leave, hospital visitation rights, automatic inheritance, etc.
Lets say that our relationship is going exceptionally well, and we decided to purchase a house together. Then my partner is involved in a car crash and dies. Even if he left me his half of the house in his will, his ex can still contest it. I may have to pay to go to court and fight to prevent his ex from taking half of a house that should be mine. Or, say he lives but falls into a coma, I may have to deal with his ex having the legal right to take him off life support.
Even if no tragedy ever befalls our happy relationship, I have no desire to risk being sued for alienation of affection and potentially be financially ruined because his “wife” suddenly decided to go crazy on us one day.
And even if you decide to work as a couple, take precautions and work threw all these issues, there are still all the unknown factors that you cant account for until they fall into your lap, such as:
Olivia Shelltrack and Fondray Loving, a couple of 13 years moved in with their two children and a third child from Olivia’s previous relationship. The city denied them an occupancy permit because its zoning laws prohibit more than three people unrelated by blood, marriage or adoption from living together. The family faced fines of up to $500 every week for living in their home without an approved occupancy permit.
My heart goes out to people like Kate Candy and the man that Evan’s original article referenced. I hate to see good people be stuck in such a difficult position. But that does not change the fact that a LTR with a separated person would leave me in the role of “mistress” not “wife” as the law sees it. If the person were legally single then it would not be such a big deal, but the minute that you agree to be a mistress knowing that a wife is out there, then you are opening yourself up to all sorts of potential legal issues down the road, even if your partner is a saint and your relationship is exemplary.
Nicole 34
@Shouraku,
I don’t think that you need to pity Kate Candy. Her situation is one that has worked out perfectly b/c all parties involved are getting what they want. If her ex’s girlfriend was Caitlin, it would be a different story, because Caitlin sounds like she’d like to get married and have kids. So it’s not the same at all.
If I was to guess, some of the people who are okay with a status quo of never being married to the person that they are seriously dating have already been married, had kids, etc. Some are likely older and maybe have their own homes and routines.
But for someone who wants to build a life with someone else, this would be an intolerable situation, and if Caitlin is in fact hoping to do that she needs to do what Evan suggested and move on if necessary. And the advice that she OWN her feelings and stop trying to hide them in altruism regarding her boyfriend’s feelings was spot on. This affects her, and it’s okay if she admits it.
Kate Candy sounds like she is dating men who are okay without ever getting married too. But let’s not act like no men ever want to get married and are always okay dating separated women. This isn’t really a gender issue, and we shouldn’t make it into one. A man who wants to get married will want to date a woman who is legally available for that. A man who doesn’t will be thrilled to be with a woman who possibly will never can ask for that. But it’s not ALL men who consider permanent singlehood to be the best thing ever.
Add me to the list of people who skip over “separated” or even people whose first paragraph or two talks about how they just got divorced (and other overshares-amazing how many people think givng the history of a recently ended marriage will pull in the ladies). Too soon. Not for moral reasons, as some might suggest, but just b/c it’s unlikely that their end goal is going to match my end goal(and some of the oversharers are kind enough to admit it). And that is just a HUGE waste of time and energy for anyone.
Shouraku 35
@Nicole #34
Kate #29 said:
Here’s why I don’t divorce: 1) I was the defendant in a very ugly lawsuit. I can’t deal with going to court again.
Kate #31 said:
All I can say is that my getting a divorce would be painful. I can avoid that pain.
Part (NOT ALL) of her reason for not getting divorced is due to difficult legal situation(s) she has admittedly been threw in the past. To be perfectly frank, I do feel bad for people who have had to go threw that, though I am also happy that she has been able to do the very best with what she has.
Amy 36
He is clearly no over the wife, and the wife is not over him! Run while ya can sistah! And find somebody who is commited to you, you deserve your own future ex husband! Not somebody else’s!
Christie Hartman 37
Caitlin, you need to read Dating the Divorced Man. If I had a dollar for every time I got an email with a story like this one, I’d be sitting on a nice stack of cash. Why doesn’t he get a divorce? One of two reasons: he’s hoping to reconcile, or he’s too lazy to divorce because, deep down, he’s AFRAID of dealing with all the emotional and financial fallout that comes with it. Your best bet is to let him go and tell him to contact you when he’s taken real action and is moving forward. Don’t reinforce his lack of action.
maria 38
i have been with my boyfriend for 3 and half yrs. When i met him he said he is going to get divorced and he wanted to marry me. I believed him as he stopped seeing other different women and stuck with me. we broke up 3 time by now and everytime he managed to convince me that he is going to get divorced and so many deadlines has passed. Now am pregnant 8wks and now he says he cant take a divorce as it will affect his 3 children with her and he doesnt want to marry me. Now he is completely avoiding me. Am planning to approach the court for the child maintainence support!!!!
Believe me your boyfriend is never going to take a divorce. If you really think he loves you, you could try break up spells or black magic, etc,.. to make you convince that you have done everything you could to make it work!!!!
Good luck
Elle 39
Caitlyn,
It’s tough and I’m in the same boat. He found me online at a dating site and asked me out. I told him no because he was separated and not divorced. He pursued me to meet him and we did. He was completely honest about his situation and asked for a 2nd date and I said “no” again. But he ended up being my friend and then we fell in love. It’s been almost 6 months now. He and his extobe live hundreds of miles away from eachother, yet he’s waiting for her to file. We have a beautiful relationship. I’ve been introduced to his colleages, friends, and family. Yet when he’s visiting his kids he’s in the same house as his ex. He does call me from there but it bothers me. He and I have talked about how well we get along and he wants to marry me when his things are finalized. He bought me a ring also (not engagement) as a commitment type. I’m very happy, however in the back of my mind, I wonder how this will all work out. He’s been afraid to push it on his end because of the kids and he doesnt’ want to look like the bad guy. But I did tell him I love him very much but if he doesn’t push it, I’m gone. I cannot get deeper and deeper into loving him with no permanent commitment. Even if we don’t marry, I would not feel right dating someone who is still married. What happens if something happens to him? Who do you think the police will contact – you? No, his wife! What happens if she uses the kids to try to make him feel guilty to try to get back together or is jealous he now has a life with you and wants to get back together with him? See when they are with us, they are in “bliss” and when they are with their kids and dealing with their ex’s they are in the married land.. they cannot have both! I’ve already been married, went through a tough divorce, and don’t’ want to get heartbroken again. So I’m giving mine a time line to file (in the back of my mind, not telling him) and if he doesn’t I’m gone until he does. It hurts too much to be the “other woman” and not have him a 100% as a boyfriend or husband.. it will always be in the back of my mind. I agree with all the folks on here who says, if he really wants a divorce, he’ll get one. If mine wants one too, he will get one. He will loose a woman who really loves him if he doesn’t, me. He cannot have his cake and eat it too. I know how it is, when I was married and starting my divorce process my ex dated and so I did too. it’s so easy to go home and see your ex and kids and feel one way and then when your with your girlfriend another way. It’s darn hard though to deal with the legalities of it and so many put it off. I was strong enough not to as my marriage was bad, but if they get along ok and their are no major reasons to do it and not to upset the kids, well they may look at it is “why should I upset the apple cart”? I wish you the best in your decision. I will be facing it myself too sometime soon if he does not get the ball rolling. I’m available and he isn’t.
Clare 40
I can’t claim to know what’s going on in this man’s mind. But not risking ending up in this kind of limbo scenario is one of the reasons I’d never get involved with someone who was separated, not divorced. If they have not actually taken the legal steps to break the tie between them, I just feel it’s safer not to go there as a third party.
WomeninMass 41
I will tell you your situation is not much different than mine. I dated a separated man and in the end I saved his life and he chose to be with his family over me. Many men do not want to get a divorce or make it final. Now that I”m out of it im grateful that it’s over. It was painful to see him do all this stuff for his wife and not for me. He’d go and visit his kids and paint their house, go up for all the holiday weekends, and I’m wondering when he will file for his divorce and make it final so we could have a life.. one year and alot of sadness over it. My advice, leave him til he files. if he doesn’t he’s not as committed as you are. I saw it all come down when I saved his life and the wife showed up.. I was shoved to the side and all of a sudden I didn’t exist anymore and he told me it’s too much for me.. even though he wanted to marry me.. Men just want to have their cake and eat it too. I’ll never date a man unless he’s completely single and that includes emotionally and legally.. too much to be the woman on the side and waiting and waiting for nothing to happen! They should end something before they begin it with someone else!
WomeninMass 42
I”m the same woman who posted #39 and 41.. omg I forgot I posted it.. you can see how it all turned out for me! At the end he ended it.. didn’t want to get his divorce and chose the wife over me.. I knew if something happened to him it would. I’m a medium and I knew it anyways.. so glad im out of it.
talia 43
I’m in the same boat. The answer I get each time I ask where has the divorce got to and I’m met with ‘I’m sorting it – besides why’s a divorce so important to take place right this minute? My hearts with you, if I was unfaithful I could go back to her divorce or no divorce’.
Kathleen 44
If Caitlin went out tonight and picked up a guy in a bar she would have a 90% better chance of a romantic married future than with the still married guy she’s with
Kay 45
I just asked my married but separated boyfriend of three years why it hasn’t happened yet and was greeted with much anger that I asked. He told me he is done talking about it and if I don’t want to be in a relationship with a married man then go find a single one. He claims he doesn’t have the money for a divorce but recently when a new tv was needed he signed a $2000 contract for a 64″. I have 1/2 my possessions in his house and sometimes feel I should get up and go.
Rachel 46
if the man is still married, RED FLAG, HELLO!!!!!!!!
Rachel 47
you are the woman that I would love to meet in person, you affect their children more then the couples itself. Really, I was 13 leaving a voicemail on womans phone crying telling how much she ruined my family. They’re married, seriously. Back off.
you’re just explaining to eachother what he means…no the guy wants his family back, and the mother of their children back. He loves them and doesnt want to lose them….concentrate more being on some single men then the married ones. Really, there is assisting out there if they really want a divorce, but they will always love their children more then you and will always have the mother of their child on a pedastal.
Red 48
How do you all feel about being in a relationship with a man who HAS started the divorce proceedings and actually has filed for the divorce/dissolution of marriage? Asking because that is my situation at this time.
MonaBee 49
A lot of advice says not to enter a relationship with a separated man. Trouble is, most woman looking for advice are right smack in the middle of a heart wrenching, bittersweet relationship. They love their separated man and wake up with a knot in their stomach and constant anxiety about the future. It really sucks. My bf was cheated on after 20 years of marriage. She moved out and bought a house. She got a lawyer and then they decided to go to mediation. Then they stopped and no one has got the ball rolling again. We’ve been dating a year. They are still married separated and living apart. A month ago I said its important he file. Month later. Nothing. I ask why and he says ‘I don’t know!!!’
Like others have said. He’s the perfect man…if it weren’t for this. I want marriage. I’ve been divorced for 7 years. I’m ready. As painful as it is, I know I’m going to have to leave him soon. Here he has a second chance at happiness and blowing it. I’ll come back and tell u guys if I pull the trigger.
Jan 50
Unfortunately there is no good reason to be with a separated married man. I was also with one for 6 months. He was separated for 2 1/2 years and she cheated on him and moved in with her boyfriend. He was giving her money and said all the excusses in the book not to file for divorce. I told him from the start I wasn’t comfortable with it…he did nothing. But promised he would. Finally I said that’s it, I’m done and left. He begged and apologized and asked what he needed to do. I said get divorced. He still did nothing.
In these situations you have to look at Your feelings and if a guy doesn’t do anything immediatly is isn’t going to!!! That’s a fact! It will not change!
I knew then he never had any intention of divorcing her and I was just an easy escape for him and I am mad at myself for getting in the situation and also at him because he is a selfish person. Probably why she cheated on him!
Amanda 51
I am in a similar situation. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 in a half years. He wants a divorce, but does not want to pay for the whole thing.His ex only wants a divorce when she does not have a man in her life or no one supporting her. She goes through alot of men. She is now trying to go through my boyfriends mom. Plus she is calling me telling me that she just talked to my boyfriend. She even uses the kids as an excuse to talk and see him. My boyfriend does not fall for those games anymore like he used to. He is very happy with me. But he does not listen to when I tell him he needs to divorce her. He can pay for the divorce and have it in the divorce papers that she is to pay him for half for it. he thinks she will contest it. But they have gone to Family court several times over custody of the kids because she is never there for them and does not take proper care of them. I understand that it may cost more if she contests the divorce, but there is a chance the judge won’t let her. She is only looking for someone to support her 200% and take care of the kids 100% of the time. I am not wanting my boyfriend to get a divorce because i want to get married to him, because it is not that way. I am very content in how our relationship is. I just want it to be over between them and get it through her head he don’t want her. This is a tricky situation to be in. Because no matter how much I pressure him, I always feel like the bad guy. My boyfriend has gone as far as to ask me if I was jealous. That ticked me off and hurt. I am not jealous of her. I am a much better person than she is. I take care of my kids and theirs. At that point, I almost said enough is enough. I ended up walking out making my oldest watch her sisters. I didn’t tell him I was leaving and I refused to text him for hours. He had to find out from my daughter that I had left, but she still wouldn’t tell him where I was. My daughter only told him that he had hurt me by the words he said to me. So being with someone that is still legally married, is not as easy as it sounds. So if you are thinking about getting with someone that is married, then do some research and make sure they want to get a divorce before you get involved. I thought I could deal with it, but I was wrong. The exes always interfere with your life. i am thinking about giving him another year to file, then if he doesn’t leave him, because this is all way too much. Not only did I get a man who does love me, but I got his ex too. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and his kids, just don’t like all the baggage that he is holding onto.
candee 52
I agree with Christie Hartman…
In my case it was the latter of the two reasons. He was too afraid of the emotional and financial crap PLUS he was didn’t want to be the “bad guy” and be labeled as the one who wanted a divorce. Honestly that is a piss selfish excuse. He had been miserable in his marriage and his wife was too. But even tho she had agreed to separate first, he was too chicken to make the final move of filing for divorce. But in the end the wife called him out on him seeing me before they were separated. So SHE filed for the divorce.
He thought he was in the clear but in reality he hadn’t dealt or thought about what would happen when he needed to go thru the divorce process. Things between us became more of a convenience for him. He began to take things for granted. Spent a lot of time trying to protect hos ego and image. Slowly started to shun me away because in his own words he didn’t know how to face his family and friends about his divorce and I would be viewed as the problem.
Jess 53
I don’t know if this is a red flag, a lot of people come from different circumstances than is socially acceptable. I think listening to people as individuals is what helps most in relationships.