Comments on: Why Would a Guy Keep in Touch After He Already Dumped Me?

By: Fleuretoile

Fleuretoile — Fri, 22 Jun 2012 15:51:28 +0000

It’s not that complicated. You can remain in contact if you had a friendship to begin with and you both do not want anything more. This is tricky as you only know about yourself not them-unless you knew the person well enough to know how they are in general. It all depends on how it went. i think if you both loved each other and expressed that love then there is the possibility after both parties have moved on to remain in friendly contact from time to time.

However the contact should not be too often in my opinion at least not for the first year. Also you should take a period of no contact after the breakup. In my case we broke things off in December of last year and around March we were able to start casual conversation. I was involved with a guy who had a girlfriend (horrible I know! but the circumstances are very complicated- we were both living in a wretched thirld world country doing humanitarian work and I think we bonded over the stress and misery and danger around us). it was an instant attraction but when I found out he had a girlfriend, I backed down and then we agreed to avoid anything physical and we were friends but then we fell in love and then finally- physically cheated. He went back to his girlfriend and I went in to total no contact for two months. Then we began to contact each other from time to time (about once or twice a month) to chat about what’s going on in our lives and that’s it. His girlfriend knows everything and is ok with the fact that we are in contact because it is over. I also have wished him and her all the best. As someone I loved, I will always have love for him but I do not want to be with him. I am not in love with him anymore. But he is someone who knows me very well- we have a lot of shared experience and it is more at least on my side like a salute to that experience that we still keep in touch. I do not think we will ever meet again and I wouldn’t be surprised if we reach a point of just saying hi at birthdays and Christmas and I am cool with that.

To be fair the guy is European and I am first generation American raised abroad, particularly in Europe, I think in Europe people feel differently about these kinds of things.

This being said, I had a guy that I broke up with that I still had feelings for that I stayed in contact with- that was a huge mistake, it ended up taking forever to get over him, I kept reading too much in to his attempts at contact and getting hurt all over again. At the end I ended up sending him a nasty mail etc.. Finally about two years later- I contacted him back to explain why i was so upset (stringing me along) he apologized and it was cool-I actually had no desire to remain in contact with him after all the pain but I was to blame also as i had kept in contact with him because I was trying to strategize him back in to my life.

If you have moved on and you did enjoy your time with the person, you can have contact-(if your current partners are okay with it) from time to time. Cheers..

By: Kezza

Kezza — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 06:21:45 +0000

Minime,
Your comment was classic. I love the “breeding” analagy. It makes perfect sense. Good one!!

By: Cat

Cat — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 22:00:25 +0000

I have just ended and on and off relationship of five years. I was dumped the last time and then almost a year later he came running back crying and regretful about anything he had done to hurt me. Mistake I made, – I didn’t really sit down with him and insist he go into detail about exactly how he hurt me. Instead, it was turned on me in a way – “I didn’t understand that you had all these insecurities.” Well who wouldn’t with him ogling everyone and then trying to do it when he thought he could get away with it by being sneaky and then yelling at me for being upset. he made comments about middle-aged women, his ex-wife’s beauty faded so she should not have met someone else ( she ran off with another man in her mid-fifties) pregnant women, etc.. I had to hear rumors about him (before he met mostly) that he was always chasing girls the age of his daughter. I stupidly thought that somehow this would change as I never thought he would have humbled his big ego enough to cry in front of me and beg me for another chance.
The problem I had is that I never trusted him. When he broke up with me last time, he didn’t have the decency to just back off and instead kept calling with all this friendship b.s.. When I told him I was not into it and needed time, he came on all romantic and flirtatious. When I was cold back, he disappeared – for months. I was hurt by that as well – that he never cared about my friendship after so many months as he said he would.
I tried to be the bigger person and did a couple of performances with him. He managed to call me by my performer name after the event, which was stupid as he never called me that before. I took that as a dig. But I relented and took another gig with him. I had a guy show up that I was dating (I didn’t really want him to come but he did anyway,) and I fully believe that as soon as my ex got an idea that I might have moved on and I looked more confident, he was all over me again – roses, wining and dining, talking about marriage (even said he saw the date during a meditation that we were supposed to get married on.)
Then slowly but surely the ogling started and the “liking” bikini models on his facebook page. I am sorry, but I am not really into an older man who has to present his taste in hot women all the over place ( it was more than just that, but I want him and I to remain anonymous so I won’t mention the other thing.) I suddenly realized that if he had cared so much about “my insecurities” he would have thought more about my feelings – except he thought I had left facebook and would not notice. Lack of foresight as well in case we did get married. That caused a lot of problems between he and I and my trust was eroded again after all he had said.
He tried to turn it on me until I thought I was going crazy – maybe I had taken it wrong or imagined things? Maybe it was no big deal and just guy stuff – but it was excessive to the point of being really rude and disrespectful of me. I didn’t think I should be bothered and kept trying to put up with it.
Then he screwed me over on the holidays. he knows the holidays are hard for me due to family dynamics and I was alone. We were not sure what we were doing and I asked him not to call every day because it makes me feel like I have a boyfriend and I feel crowded mentally. He complied for a few days and started right back up again. He had yelled at me that I should just drop the past hurt and anger and try being nice to him. So I did. For a month I did nothing wrong and then he evaded me and didn’t invite me to spend new years with him. I was upset and he tried to say it was because he had this gig and he didn’t think I would enjoy it, etc. etc. When I said I wanted to go anyway, he said he didn’t want a relationship with me and I asked when he had decided this for sure and when was he going to tell me?
He said he had decided it months ago. He could not understand why I was so upset that he was calling every day and had come over with his viagra spilling on to my couch when we were supposed to talk. Well, I let him have it. I really did. I realized he was a narcissist as I had always thought in the back of my mind. And I told him so. I told him to never call or email me again – that I was done and there would be no other chances or b.s. friendship. I was done.
I am more angry that I allowed myself to deal with all this and I have had to look at my self-esteem. I know I was not a saint, but I was trying and if he had meant all he said about going to the ends of the earth for me, he could have been patient and realized I was trying. Instead, he blew it for the last time. I let him bulldoze his way back into my life and before I knew it I was sucked in again.
Ladies, when you think you are dealing with someone who has no real empathy beyond just a basically insensitive guy – to the point where it seems pathological – run like hell. These types will mess with your mind and think nothing of manipulating you for sex and then dumping you once you don’t dance to their beat, give them the ego stroke they need, etc. And he was still going to keep calling after I told him how hurt I was. His solution was to just not call every day, still refusing to let me join him on NYE so I would not be alone.
I wish I had stopped contact with him years ago. I no longer believe in friends after a trying relationship with someone where they were not honest, lied to you, and used you. Forget it. I feel so stupid. But I am glad I got the chance to really let out the anger I had been struggling with for so long trying to figure out was going on with this guy all the time – why the game kept changing and he kept acting the part anyway.
My mother had always tried to stick up for him, but she always knew he was never going to make more a commitment to me – and this last thing really pissed her off. She said you must never speak to him or see him again. And that is what I am doing. I am finally free.

By: Michele

Michele — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 15:07:27 +0000

In the last year I’ve been on three dates. Two with men I’ve known a long time ago and got back in touch with via facebook, and one I met via friends. All 3 men lived an impractcial distance away but I thought I’d ‘give it a chance’. All three were very charming and the first two who were prior friends put a lot of effort into communicating and seeing me.
However for reasons I don’t entirely understand, neither of the first two seemed to be that interested in me after seeing me, and nothing sexual happened so it wasn’t that. In one case, the guy decided he ‘wasn’t over his ex’, and in the other case, the guy who had driven hundreds of miles to help me install a kitchen, just didn’t do anything to approach me so I assumed he wasn’t interested. I was right.
The guy I met through friends- we spent a weekend together, but he wasn’t really interested in me. To be honest I don’t think I was that interested in him either.
What two of these guys have in common is that they managed to create completely false impressions of themselves by text and emails. I’d been out of touch long enough with the two I knoew before for this to be possible. And the third guy just isn’t interested in a relationship with anyone.
All three say they want to be ‘friends’ and sporadically make attempts to stay in touch. There is clearly no sexual interest so I don’t really understand what they are doing, unless they seriously just want to stay friends. I’m not romantically intererested in them anyway.
As far as I’m concerned it’s black and white- you’re either interested or you’re not. I am starting to wonder what these three long-distance penpals are doing in my life, and why they are bothering. I have enough friends. Surely they have too. But I’m starting to think that quite a lot of blokes really just want to stay platonic friends and are not interested in sex. Where are all these blokes who are thinking about sex all the time? I should be so lucky!!
If I go on a date and initiate nothing, nothing happens. This is the pattern now for me. Nothing much has happened for nearly 4 years. Lots of nice ‘friends’ though.

By: MH

MH — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 16:32:31 +0000

I think a guy should just wish the girl well after dumping her and leave it at that. To me, it’s like rubbing salt into a wound or a guy who wants his cake and eat it to. Being dumped can be painful enough, especially if it was a long-term relationship. A dumper trying to stay friends with his ex, while he’s happily dating someone else or playing the field, is just as bad if not worse than not hearing from him ever again.

By: Ann

Ann — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 22:39:08 +0000

(Sorry, pressed submit before I was finished.) Most guys I’ve dated (well, at least since college anyway) have been receptive to conversations about the relationship, have been clear with their feelings, and have been understanding with off days, weeks, or even whole months.

The man being discussed here and by Evan in his advice about how to keep men from running (do we think Evan might be one of these guys?) is the commitment-phobic man. He comes on strong, but as soon as there is any sign of imperfection or sense of plateau, he’s off.

My college boyfriend was one of these. He is finally in a longterm relationship and has admitted that he thinks he’ll marry her, but it took 3 solid years of yo-yoing and patience on her part to get him to settle down. If you have that kind of time and patience, great. If not, move on. But she’s a very accomplished and secure woman who didn’t really have time for a full-scale boyfriend anyway. If you’re not that type, MOVE ON.

By: Ann

Ann — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 22:33:53 +0000

I hate to say it, but I have dated quite a lot in my 36 years. I’ve dated all kinds of guys from all walks of life. I’ve had longterm and shorterm. I’ve been the dumper most of the time and have been the dumped a few times. But I have never come across a man like the one Evan describes in his book and this post until now. MOST men do not get scared off just b/c you aren’t on your game 100% of the time. MOSt men do not shy away from a discussion of “are we exclusive now?” MOST guys do not require constant reassurance with the back and forth described here.

By: Dinah Khanser

Dinah Khanser — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 19:39:50 +0000

He probably got along quite well with you as a person, but you obviously weren’t pretty enough, and/or good enough in bed, for him to make a further commitment. I’m tellin’ you the truth, honey. Seriously, that’s how guys are hard wired. Move on and try for something better. He hes a loser. He didn’t deserve a nice girl like you, anyway.

By: Ally

Ally — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 08:31:39 +0000

Evan thank you so much for posting this. I normally don’t comment but this just hits so close to home. I am going through the same thing and I’m still giving him the time of the day and feed on any opportunity he gives me to hang out. Get a life girlfriend…I need to move on pronto! If he wasn’t interested in me the first time, he won’t be interested again! Don’t be stupid and let your emotions get the best of you….move on before you get even more attached!!!!!

By: Kelly

Kelly — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 08:44:24 +0000

Good~ it is very confusing,, when there is a break up but the I e partner continues ti insist on shared w dry thing. Or not problem solve with you tin find ways if financially undead able, to disengage themselves and you from bonds. It’s best to move out if state if possible, but if xgildren Re involved and there has been any kind of issues. Seek help from a mediator. If he walks out, ( mine did) . Petition if youi can for for a hearing.
Good luck, and never think you were not good enough for him~youbhad something obviously ( this together guy) was looking for, and or admired. Onward upward.. To your next more in tune relationship, c