Why Would a Younger Woman Want to Date a Much Older Man?

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Okay, Evan, I agree mostly with your opinion on younger men/older women. What do you say about the reverse? I mean, I can see why an older man would want to date a younger woman – physically that is, but why would a 28-year-old woman want to date a man 45 or more?

Penelope

Dear Penelope,

Beats the shit out of me.

I can totally understand why older men go for younger women. There’s no denying that they’re, for the most part, in better shape, with better skin, and less baggage from broken relationships. Time creates wisdom – but it also creates responsibilities and complications – mortgage, kids, career, etc. All of this makes dating more and more complex as we get older. It’s a lot easier for a man to take out a carefree, responsibility free, baggage free, wrinkle free 28-year-old, which is why so many men try to go in that direction. I’m not condoning this. I’m OBSERVING that it happens.

Still, most of them fail miserably, for the exact same reasons that I think Penelope is suggesting. Men want much younger women, but rarely do much younger women want older men. Put another way, if a woman has an array of other quality options closer to her age range, what incentives would she have to date a man who is SEVENTEEN YEARS OLDER?

Not many, I’m thinking.

Before any 40+ people get all hot and bothered about this – I am not judging you. There is nothing wrong with aging. I do think people improve with age (my 38-year-old girlfriend is nodding). But let’s not pretend that we, as a culture, don’t worship at the altar of youth. If you’re over the age of 40 and have ever said, “But I’m told I look five years younger than my age”, then you’re not immune to it yourself. But see, for men who covet younger women, it’s not whether you look good for your age – it’s what age you really are.

She doesn’t NEED a guy who’s 45. She can find that same amazing guy at age 30. Or 35. Or 40.

Because it’s competitive out there for all of us. People have choices. And nobody has more choices than a 28-year-old woman. If she wants to date a guy who is 6’2”, makes $400,000+, likes skiing, is within ten miles of her house and five years of her age, you know what? She could probably find him. All she has to do is go on Match.com, and wade through a few thousand applicants. The point is, she doesn’t NEED a guy who’s 45. She can find that same amazing guy at age 30. Or 35. Or 40. She doesn’t need a guy who will be taking Viagra when she’s sexually peaking at 43.

Don’t get me wrong, there are advantages in a 45-year-old guy. He’s probably a man. He’s got the job and the home and the car, and been divorced with a kid already. So if a woman finds it more appealing to just step into that world – to jump from the prolonged adolescence of the late 20’s into full-fledged settled-down womanhood – that could make sense.

There are many other things that are attractive about older men. They embody wisdom and stability. They can afford nicer restaurants and vacations and have cultivated greater tastes in the arts. They’re more experienced, more chivalrous, and more likely to want to settle down than a twentysomething party boy.

And yet, they probably resemble Penelope’s dad more than they resemble her brother….

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169 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice

169 Responses to “Why Would a Younger Woman Want to Date a Much Older Man?”

Selena 1

When I was in my late 30′s I became involved with someone 15 yrs. older. The age difference did not seem especially significant during the 5 yrs we were together. Now in my mid 40′s though, the idea of dating someone in their 60′s does seem like a big difference in terms of where we each are in life.

Harrison Ford being an exception for me as well though, I have to say. (He’s really 66? Wow!)
JerseyGirl 2

I’m in my 20s and I don’t find Harrison Ford attractive at all.
Camilla 3

Similar to Selena, I met my husband when I was 35 and he was 47. At the time, the 12 years was a non-issue. Fast forward to me hitting my prime at 41, and him slowing down at 53…and it DID become a problem. He stopped wanting to travel and have fun with me. Didn’t attend important work events for me (like I had with him.) And frankly, he started aging really fast. He started looking 60, whereas he looked younger than his age when we met. We became incompatible, now divorcing.

So like Evan is saying, the age gap may not SEEM like a problem when you’re both still young-ish. But it might be a problem later. I don’t recommend more than a 7 year difference, max.
vino 4

Oh boy is this one interesting. Some choice quotes from Evan’s answer”

“Don’t get me wrong, there are advantages in a 45-year-old guy. He’s probably a man. He’s got the job and the home and the car, and been divorced with a kid already. So if a woman finds it more appealing to just step into that world to jump from the prolonged adolescence of the late 20′s into full-fledged settled-down womanhood that could make sense.”

“There are many other things that are attractive about older men. They embody wisdom and stability. They can afford nicer restaurants and vacations and have cultivated greater tastes in the arts. They’re more experienced, more chivalrous, and more likely to want to settle down than a twentysomething party boy.”

” . . .they’re daddy substitutes. An older man’s going to be the strong, nurturing guy who takes care of her, teaches her, and treats her like a princess the kind of relationship that she probably lacked growing up.”

So I break this down into 2 basic reasons women go for older guys.

1. Material reasons
2. Daddy issues

Materially, Evan said it well – “He’s got the job and the home and the car . . ” and “They can afford nicer restaurants and vacations and have cultivated greater tastes in the arts.”

Daddy issues – I’d venture to say that I think both extremes apply here. Evan wrote, “… treats her like a princess the kind of relationship that she probably lacked growing up.” I’d say that I’ve run into just as many daddy issues with girls who WERE treated like princesses by daddy.

No matter which reason(s) applies, it’s the same thing in effect. She wants to be treated like a child. She wants to be immature.
vino 5

“And frankly, he started aging really fast. He started looking 60, whereas he looked younger than his age when we met. ”

I have to remember this one.
Steve 6

Most unflattering reasons, but likely true as “the rule” :

younger women being attracted to older men
1. “Daddy” issues
2. Material issues

younger men being attracted to older women
1. “Mommy” issues
2. Faster, easier, sex

women and men wanting to date/mate younger:
1. recapture fading youth
2. more immature than their chronological counterparts
3. wants a partner more easily controlled
4. an ego stroke, arm candy, a trophy partner
5. can’t handle someone their own age

Despite all of those unflattering dime store( a very “dating” remark…..amend that..to “dollar store”) reasons, sometimes these various pairings happen only because the two people involved have a genuine appreciation of each other.
Sarah G 7

The longest, best romantic relationship I ever had was with a much older guy. I knew he was older, but I didn’t know how much older. When I found out I was shocked b/c it was a LOT older. All that said, we were very much in love and it felt like we were equals. I know that people looked at us and thought things — esp. b/c he’s highly successful in our field (he’s won several of one of the big 3 awards, shall we say) and I was a rank beginner. (Well, not rank.) But even there, I didn’t feel that we were mismatched b/c he was successful and I was starting out — it was more that we were in different places in our careers. And, it turns out, in our lives. He had done a lot of the things that I still needed to do to feel like I’d lived (marriage, a kid, real estate, career success — though I can skip the multiple divorce part, thanks). But we never talked about that stuff — we were just into each other and our work together. And when I started to talk about a LIFE together he started to lie (actually, he was lying from the beginning) — he didn’t want to lose me but he didn’t want to build anything with me. I could still be his perma-girlfriend today, had I wanted that spot, and be meeting the people and going to the “events.” And I’m telling you, it was great interpersonally with this guy, but I had to leave and have nothing to do with him, even though it meant taking many steps backwards professionally. (I’m kinda proud in my work, so that actually felt like a relief.) And now I’m fine and dating guys who don’t raise eyebrows when we’re out together. It isn’t the rush it was being with this guy, and maybe it does feel like settling. But it also feels like peace and happiness.

I do know many successful May-December couples. The woman is most often the younger, but not always. In that particular situation it’s really hard b/c the guy starts losing his health a few decades before the woman will, and so she’ll (most likely) have to see him through his illness and death and then (possibly) be alone for a very long time. And if you are marrying a guy for his “stability” — meaning, you may be attracted to him to fill in some gaps in your own abilities — well, unless you learn in your time with him how to manage a portfolio and deal with all of the stuff that comes with settling an estate, that “stability” may not seem like such a gift.

OK. Gotta get off the internet. My eHarmony guy is gonna call in a few. He’s 3 years older than I am. Not as exciting as Award Man, but very funny, nice.
Lance 8

Older guys: higher social value. More money, more real estate, knowledge, culture, wisdom, well traveled, higher social/emotional intelligence. I totally buy younger women going for older men. See it all the time.

I’ve got a question. Let’s say a 28 year old goes out with a 45 year old VRD (very rich dude). They only plan on being together for 15 years, give or take. Basically a really long LTR or a planned mid-term marriage. Does anyone have a problem with this? I don’t. He gets what he wants (fantasies fulfilled, feels younger, arm candy, whatever), and she gets what she wants that is, a comfortable life.
starthrower68 9

Oh I can related to that “being with an older guy is a rush thing”. I briefly – very briefly – dated a 50 year old. He just knocked my socks off. Obviously it didn’t work out, and there were other incompatibilities, but yah, this guy still had it!
vino 10

Lance wrote: “I’ve got a question. Let’s say a 28 year old goes out with a 45 year old VRD (very rich dude). They only plan on being together for 15 years, give or take. Basically a really long LTR or a planned mid-term marriage. Does anyone have a problem with this? I don’t. He gets what he wants (fantasies fulfilled, feels younger, arm candy, whatever), and she gets what she wants that is, a comfortable life.”

Do THEY jointly plan on being together for 15 years? Or does She? I ask because the VRD can live like Hef (cialis, viagra). What’s the payout to her?

No offense, still sounds like legalized prostitution.

Wait, isn’t that much of what it is anyway?
Sarah G 11

And don’t forget events, Lance. The grown-up events are very nice, and not something that a young guy can bring you to. It’s hard for me now to go to hipster events where people have been throwing up on the steps outside.
A-L 12

My family background has made me naturally drawn toward older people (friends and romantic interests alike). My siblings are all between 10-17 years older than me, my dad is 10 years older than my mom, my grandfather was 12 years older than my grandmother…for us it’s kind of the norm. Granted the 10-12 year age difference isn’t 17-25+, but it’s greater than average.

My interests have also tended to be “older” for my age. I’ve never been into the bar/club scene, can count on one hand the number of concerts by artists with a younger fan base, and enjoy the opera, symphonies, museums, etc, that generally tend to have an older audience.

I have noticed, though, that as I’ve gotten older that I’m less inclined to consider a relationship where there is a much larger age gap. In my early adult years I would have considered dating someone 20 years older than me, but now that’s down to about 10-12 years. Perhaps the fact that guys closer to my age are finally maturing has something to do with it. I’m also interested in some activities (like skydiving or whitewater rafting) that guys above a certain age have zero interest in, so that’s also helping to keep the age difference to one that’s fairly minimal.

And lastly, in regards to the sugar daddy (or rich older man) phenomeon. Not necessarily the case. I’m currently deliberating over a guy who’s far older than he looks (he looks 10 years younger), who’s sweet as can be, and is the best looking man I’ve seen in years (not just seen romantically, but seen in real life anywhere). Financially though, I suspect I have far more assets. I own my home, and wouldn’t be surprised if earn twice what he does. And though I know the golddigger comments are going to be coming out, that is a concern as he is 17 years older than me (and hence should be that much further along financially) and I’m not earning the executive salaries that the men on this board often comment about. But he’s still very tempting…
A-L 13

Y’all can keep Harrison Ford, I want Robert Redford! Though I also know more than a few young ladies with a thing for Sean Connery…
Sarah G 14

Hmm. I can’t think of any older actors who really do it for me. But this topic is curious b/c just today I read that Adrienne Barbeau is with Billy Van Zandt (she’s about 12 years older); and Barbara Hershey is with that stunner Naveen Andrews from “Lost” (she’s 21 years older); and I don’t know if any of you have seen Kim Basinger lately, but she is an incredible-looking 50-something (for any age, really), and I’m sure that there is many a young guy who’d park his horse in her stable. (I believe she is an animal lover.) These days a lot of women are holding onto their hotness. It’s a nice trend.
Sarah G 15

Prostitution is very quid pro quo, Vino. A relationship isn’t because you have feelings for each other. Would each have the same feelings if he were an old loser and she were a young ugly thing? Maybe. But they probably wouldn’t be attracted to each other long enough to find out. Relationship currency isn’t like REAL currency. It’s just what you offer, materially yes, but in other ways, too. Really, the insult is to the guy in the “prostitution” idea you are putting forth — money is all he has to offer and he’s so out of touch emotionally that he would think that someone who is using him really cares about him? I don’t think men are that stupid.
vino 16

“Prostitution is very quid pro quo, Vino.”

It’s good of you to admit it. I’ll remember that next time someone demands that men pay for everything.

Also, you seem to ignore the premise that Lance set forth, upon which I based my comment.

“It’s just what you offer, materially yes, but in other ways, too. Really, the insult is to the guy in the prostitution idea you are putting forth money is all he has to offer and he’s so out of touch emotionally that he would think that someone who is using him really cares about him? I don’t think men are that stupid.”

What does SHE offer? What other ways? See this link http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-does-my-boyfriend-want-less-sex-than-me/#comment-6810. Deathslayer writes yet another priceless post. It’s too long to quote fully here, but it is on point. A choice quote or 2, so people can link over…

If you women no longer have vaginas, how would you
keep your man happy?.

Man you could hear a pin drop…”

“He said something like this. What’s wrong with you? You could have said, learn to play pool, take him to a sports game, or boating. There were a ton of things you could have done to be with your man and make him happy. But the only way all you women could define yourselves was as three holes and nothing else.

“They wanted women for those things money CAN’T buy, love, respect, a warm home to come home to, their own children and a good woman to raise them.”

Many guys 45 & up are not that out of touch emotionally aren’t that out of touch. You are right. They are not that stupid. They just accept it as the cost of admission, like paying a membership fee to join a country club or a cover charge to enter a night club. It’s not an insult to the guy in the ‘prostitution’ idea, just a realistic statement of the nature of the situation.
Selena 17

Along with the possible reasons Evan cited for a younger woman seeking out an older man is also that women in their 20′s-early 30′s may have tired of the young men in their age bracket who treat sex, relationships as sport, conquests and are looking for something more substantial and lasting.

Older women appreciate younger men for the same reasons older men appreciate younger women. Younger men are more likely to have a flat stomach and all their hair. Also, regarding the perception that women over 40 are “hard”–’some’ men over 40 are quite rigid in their expectations and ‘some’ of them are so bitter you wonder why they are dating in the first place. Perhaps to get back to that time of life when sex and relationships were merely sport and conquests?

Those observations aside, we still do tend to find someone we really connect with when we’re truly open to it. At any age.
Selena 18

JersyGirl-
Harrison Ford is not of my generation, but he popped into my generation’s attention in the first “Star Wars” movie when he was in his 30′s and my girlfriends and I were in our teens. It’s been a pleasure to watch him over the last 30 yrs. He’s aged remarkably well.

Is there an entertainment star you admire (or did as a teen) who is 12 or more yrs. your senior? If so, it might amuse you in the coming decades to see how well THEY age.
Michael Ejercito 19

Evan,

How would being divorced with a kid appeal to younger women who are neither divorced nor have a kid?
Steve 20

Selena Apr 8th 2008 at 02:13 am 17
some men over 40 are quite rigid in their expectations and some of them are so bitter you wonder why they are dating in the first place.

– or hanging out on dating blogs. Some of them are younger too.
Paul 21

The founder of E-Harmony says 6 years either way is about tops. I agree for a host of reasons. It’s a matter of sameness…the more you have the same, ie. background, education, culture, AGE… the more likely the relationship will survive long term. The more differences there are, the more you’ll have to get around. My Dad on the other hand married a woman 25 years younger than he and from a culture half way around the world…been married over 40 years and raised 2 kids. Go figure. The longer you live however, the less age diffference makes a difference. A 40 year old married to a 20 year old would raise some eyebrows. However an 80 year old with a 60 year old? No big deal. I frankly, as much as I’m attracted to the younger form, do not want a gal who is more concerned with things like child rearing if I’m more into retirement planning. Stage of life issues. As my Mom used to say, “find someone you have a lot in common with”.
Selena 22

Steve,
Yes I’ve noticed that as well. Seems like a waste of time, but if you don’t have anything else to do…?
Selena 23

Paul,
I disagree that age difference matters less with age. At age 60, many (most?) people are still quite active. At 80 that is much, much less the case–frailty is more the norm.

The 20′s is an era of such personal change, usually more so than later decades so a relationship between a 20 yr. old and a 40 yr. old might prove difficult as the younger partner progresses through that decade. Person’s in their 30′s, 40′s, & 50′s are more likely to be in more complementary stages of life where differences in age might be mitigated by circumstances (ie: child-rearing, careers).
dame4net 24

Older guys definately have higher social value and are more mature. Fatter incomes, more assets, experience, wisdom, and well traveled and higher EQ, not mention more time as they likely work less or can take early retirement as they have more money. I see why younger women go for older men and I see it all the time online. These young women who are not ready to settle down and pick out older, mature men. Not to mention women are waiting longer these days to have children and families, so what is wrong with dating an older man for a few years before settling down?
Steve 25

Selena;

About post #22. I agree that it is a waste of time. I’ve been in that kind of loop in my life before. You are so consumed with venting your emotions ( over and over again ) and so obsessed with getting other people to validate your experience that you don’t see that you are caught in an time wasting loop of fruitless repeated experiences. You don’t see that you aren’t moving forward.

If you can’t see the problem, you can’t fix it.

The problem isn’t that reality is unfair. It is unfair for everyone. People who are happy despite a given issue are happy because they work with reality as it is rather than demanding to be validated.
Dittohd 26

I think this is a really ridiculous topic. I can’t imagine why any younger woman would want an older man. In fact, assuming that women get smarter as they get older, why would any woman want an older man considering older men are so inherantly so unattractive? An older man as compared to a younger man is generally smarter, more financially secure, a more experienced lover and diaper changer. He’s more experienced at resolving child behavior problems, not so easily frazzled when most other problems in life arise, and better at knowing what women in general want and in communicating with his woman to ascertain what his woman actually wants… and possibly even more interested in providing his woman what she wants if she’s providing him what he wants from the relationship, than a younger man would in many cases.

The things younger men have over older men seem to be more stamina in bed and a younger body. I can totally understand why, to most women, how these could totally overpower all the advantages previously mentioned older men generally have over younger men. I can totally understand why women would look down on all these properties of older men over the younger men’s advantages.

What I totally don’t understand is the difference in their stage in life as mentioned before and how that should make much of a difference. Whether a woman stays home or works outside the home, both a man and woman most of the time spend most of their time separated, seeking differing individual goals in the individual work they do daily. Regardless of age, they still both eat and seek entertainment in between the time they aren’t working separately. They still, regardless of age, go to movies, attend entertainment venues that they have in common, take care of their pets and children, etc, etc. So if they determine that they have many similar interests, why would age make a difference considering men and women are, by nature, very different to begin with? Seems to me that any differences between an older man and younger woman are very often common among men and women of similar ages, considering that all men are different and all women are different. So why couldn’t younger women find older men who are very compatible with them?

One more question. Considering that most marriages in this country end within a relatively short amount of time, is it possible that we are doing things wrong? I wonder which relationships actually last longer on average… couples who are within a few years of age or those with much wider differences in age. Would we be better off if all young women married much older men and then later in life when older, marry much younger men?

Hmmmmmmmmmmm!
Nina 27

I’m 27 and I find older men incredibly attractive. I had a crush on my father’s friend growing up and I still think he’s one of the most attractive older men I have ever met. The thing is, he was also smart and interesting. I think that is what attracts me to older men. They are so much more mature, interesting, and self aware than men my age. Most of the men my age I have met like to party. I don’t. They like to take pictures with as many hot looking girls as they can find and post them on facebook and myspace for everyone to see how cool that makes them. I’m not saying they’re all like that but I have met my share. In general I just think oder men have more to offer a woman than a 25-35 yr old does.
Lance 28

@Nina: There you have it! Younger women like older guys because of their social value, and older guys like younger women because of their hotness and energy. Attraction in a nutshell.
Sarah G 29

I’d put it this way — relationships that are only about sex are very boring. If a guy sees a woman as “only three holes” he is boring. You do not want to spend time with him in relationship — but it’s good to know there are guys like that out there if you need a booty call. They are easy. At some point guys figure this out and they become immensely attractive as life partners — because well, maybe women want both sex AND relationship. Until the young bucks figure this out, they are just not worth the time of day. Things that men can find in relationship with a woman besides the “three holes”: laughter, companionship, intelligence, warmth, comfort, a family, a partner in building wealth, a caregiver, an ally, a buddy, another driver on long road trips.
Sarah G 30

By figuring “this” out I meant that relationships that are only about sex are boring. That relationship can offer more than that.
JerseyGirl 31

Lance, you should remember that Nina can’t possibly speak for all women. Yes, some women like dating older men, some women don’t. There has been evidence in the posting here where women have said they don’t want to date older, and there has been evidence that some don’t mind dating older. It’s kind of funny as soon as one posts that she does, you equate that to her speaking for all women.

I don’t have a problem with older men/ younger women relationships or younger men / older women relationships. What I take issue with is that men somehow have this stigma against women where they think women are worth less for aging while men try primp themselves up as being better with age. It’s a crappy way to treat an entire gender. And those are the men that young or older women alike have to stay away from.
JerseyGirl 32

I also want to add that I am in my 20s and none of my friends date, or have an interest in dating older men. Most are in long term relatoinships with men near their age or within 7 years of each other.
hunter 33

Research and studies show, successful relationships have a 15 year age difference, the man is older. Women date younger men through out most of Europe common practice.
Deathslayer 34

What I take issue with is that men somehow have this stigma against women where they think women are worth less for aging while men try primp themselves up as being better with age.
*
What stigma? Ask yourself this, IF a man keeps himself in shape and develops maturity and respect, he can get young women, so what’ the problem.

A woman who develops a FEMININE attitude, keeps herself in shape, and has a NICE personality can also get men interested.

As I said in an earlier post…people are VISUAL…if you are older, have a nasty scowl, a mean personality, you’re not gonna get noticed.

Men typically want women who are not battle hardened and still have some feminine charm…as a lot of women these days get older, they have never developed that and basically men say if I’m gonna deal with a woman, it’s best to get her at the peak of ripeness and freshness.

It’s a crappy way to treat an entire gender. And those are the men that young or older women alike have to stay away from.
*
Thing is, will that stop women from complaining that they don’t have a man?

23% of men are on a dating BOYCOTT…many women complain they can’t find a man even though a woman who looks and acts feminine has guys asking her out close to a 1000 times a year and somehow they CAN’T find a good men worth getting to know?

Why blame the men? If women don’t want us to bother with them, then I’m sure we can find something else to occupy our time and women who WE can get to know.

So far, women want the man to come up and talk to them, pay for the date, still love her when she ages, still respect her and desire her and not call out what men have known for ages…

Now, I want EVERY guy here to ask this question:

WHAT’S IN IT FOR ME?
hunter 35

to Nina,

Studies show younger women “bond” with older men.
Michael Ejercito 36

Things that men can find in relationship with a woman besides the three holes: laughter, companionship, intelligence, warmth, comfort, a family, a partner in building wealth, a caregiver, an ally, a buddy, another driver on long road trips.
This is true.

Of course, women should show they can offer something besides a hole or three, or else they will only hook up with men who are only interested in a hole or three.
Lance 37

@Jersey: My comment was tongue in cheek. Things were getting a little too serious around here. Seriously though, I’m of the “To Each His or Her Own” line of thinking. Young chick, older guy? Cool. Older chick, younger guy? Rock on sister.

Also, can I get your number?
Mia 38

If the rumours are anywhere near correct then is it not true that about half of all marriages end in divorce within the first 2-7 years? So who cares who is older or by how many years? It’s not like couples are actually growing old together any way. Til death do us part allegedly died decades ago. I say enjoy the limited time you have with whoever you are with. All this fuss about gregorian calender age differences are, in IMHO, moot.
Steve 39

Mia, a very intelligent point ( post 38 )
Steve 40

Lance;

May I suggest that after incorporating what you learn from reading your pickup artist (PUA) books you go on to add your own experience to your beliefs and think for yourself? I mean no offense. Sometimes you sound like a new convert to a religion robotically repeating doctrine into whatever subject comes up.
christine 41

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Lance 42

@Steve: I’m only on month 16 of my PUA journey, so much of what I spout will sound like doctrine because I haven’t experienced enough to make innovative breakthroughs. Although, if you want the original stuff, read my blog. BTW, what doctrine do you subscribe too?
Michael Ejercito 43

Studies show that most studies are made up.
Sara 44

Tough topic, I’m impressed you took it on. This issue is a tricky one because its not the same for everyone. But if we just think about what drives most people (money, power, sex, beauty) we can make pretty accurate conclusions.
vino 45

There would be no need for viagra if all older guys had young chicas…
hunter 46

to Sara,

You sound like a very smart, intelligent, well read woman.
hunter 47

To Michael Ejercito,

You said, “Studies show that most studies are made up.” LOL!…..how funny!…
hunter 48

To deathslayer,

What is in it for us men?……you seem to be well read, smart, and, very intelligent…..
Hot Alpha Female 49

You know I go with … “whatever floats your boat”.

Some chicks like older guys. Some chicks like younger guys. Who am i to say anything? Each to their own.

I can see why girls would want to go out with older guys though. Usually they just have more life experience, tend to be more dominant because of their age and prolly more mentally mature.

I’m 20 n relatively mature for my age and i find people who are my age … just not there “with it” enough to me.

With that said .. i still don’t think that i would date a guy who was 15 years older than me. But its all about personal choice

Hot Alpha Female

http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
dadshouse 50

Older men are better in bed. I’m in my 40s, and I can say from experience and conversation with women of all ages that men my age (or maybe it’s just me! lol) focus more attention on her pleasure. Younger men (20s) tend to focus on their own release. Even if they pleasure a woman, it’s to get something back in the form of them getting off. Older men know that helping a woman through multiple O’s raises the sexual energy for both partners.

Any young hotties want to test out my theory? (grin)
Raindreamer 51

In my own experience there are several reasons younger women can fancy older men, that are not as superficial than Ewan suggested.

Some of us don’t quite feel like we were born in the right generation.
Some of us are in some sense more mature than our own generation.
Some of us respect the maturity of older men.
This is more emotional stuff really.

When you think about it – it is not wise choice in general, because when men are significantly older they become old aged too fast, when you still would like to live a little – like some one commented here.

I had a crush for a man that was about 25 years older (although I was not aware of that in the beginning), but my brains did not allow me to give it out. It’d been so stupid. (He was really fit for his age – I’ve seen much worst cases about 15-20 years younger…)
JerseyGirl 52

DeathSlayer:
“What stigma? Ask yourself this, IF a man keeps himself in shape and develops maturity and respect, he can get young women, so what the problem.”
—————————————————————————–
I’ve already explained the problem. It seems men want to be valued as they grow older and develop other skills through life. There is nothing wrong with that. However, women aren’t extended that same curtsy, even from men themselves. Men want to be valued through-out their whole life, but women are constantly being told that they can expect to be looked at with less value as they live their lives.

—————————————————————————–
DeathSlayer:
“As I said in an earlier post people are VISUAL if you are older, have a nasty scowl, a mean personality, you’re not gonna get noticed.”
—————————————————————————–

Yes, but nasty scowls, mean personalities are not subject to just women. That is subject to people in general. Men and women.

—————————————————————————–
DeathSlayer:
Men typically want women who are not battle hardened and still have some feminine charm
—————————————————————————–
Ohh, the irony DeathSlayer….the irony of that statment coming form you.

—————————————————————————–
Lance:
@Jersey: My comment was tongue in cheek. Things were getting a little too serious around here. ……..
Also, can I get your number?
—————————————————————————–

867-5309….. (Couldn’t resist a good 80s song reference)

—————————————————————————-
dadshouse:
Older men are better in bed.
—————————————————————————–

Not always true my friend! Have you actually slept with any older men? I have and they are not always better in bed.
hunter 53

to JerseyGirl,

867-5309? Jenny, Jenny….
annie 54

I met my ex- husband at age 18 and he was 10 years older and i would not recommend it. We changed at different rates and he got boring and settled pretty soon. I have met quite a few men now on the dating scene who have dated younger women and also found the lack of similar interests and different energy levels to get in the way.

Many women in their 40′s finally have the chance to do what they want in life. One of my profs in college was married to a much younger woman who was starting to do what she always wanted, so while he wanted to go walking on the beach he instead found himself waiting around in theatre lobbies for her show to end. He was lonely.

I have dated men up to 12 years younger, not because I am into younger men, but just happened that way. Now I want someone closer to my age. The older men tend to have health issues and want someone who will eventually nurse them, and often if they are wealthy they have major control issues.

I have had younger men fall in love with me because I am intelligent, cultured, have a power base — and I am not fooled — it is my mind and the power thing that dazzles them, but they are too immature to be able to separate those out. The same for young women who fall for older powerful men. Often it is their mind or the aura, but the men take advantage of the confusion and create a romance. I want a partner who has their own life and is stimulating to me, but who also likes what I do. A lot of young women are not in the place, but should be allowed to get their by not going into dependent relationships, be is material or emotional.
The daddy thing is still quite strong, society still puts out the dream to females that they will find a prince charming just by being pretty and dependent.
Selena 55

Older men are not always better in bed. Sometimes they have *problems*.
hunter 56

To selena,

I am a half a century old, the only problem I have in bed, is when a woman doesn’t participate. Most women(divorcees, some twice) in my age group, want to be worshipped in bed, nothing wrong with that, a woman can find the young “buck” if they want to be that way.
annie 57

The older men I have dated are not better in bed. It depends upon if the man is a sensualist or not. I am also very visual, it has been proven by experiments that women are too, once they allow themselves and know how. Being that way it is a problem to see older men’s bodies and try to get turned on. That is where one has to grow spiritually and as a person on life’s journey, and create deeper bonds with the person.
I hated my dad’s friends checking me out — also male employers some of whom tried to cop touches. My two daughters, now late twenties, do not seem to like older men when they have been approached. I think that “youth cleaves unto youth” when the people are not dysfunctional and trying to fill some loss. It makes sense to face old age and death with someone who is looking at the same thing. No amount of money will change that we all get old, and I have seen some wealthy old men feel a loss of control when the money they used to “buy” and control the young wife then gets into her hands because the guy is getting senile and incapable. It makes him resentful and irritable, and she does not have to take it like she did when she was dependent, so they quarrel. Older people of similar age can quarrel too, if they have not taken the time to grow and adjust to the stage of life they are in — and to take extra care of their relationship.
hunter 58

To annie,

More and more, so I hear, that is a woman’s downfall, young women select men with their eyes……it is usually, not until a woman gets into her 40′s that she will select a man by what he has to say….supposedly a better choice…
HansonGD 59

It is really hard to describe,… the “it just is!” feelings. When I was 21, met a 55 y/o through friends, and he was a jerk- thought he was a GOD!- really, he is! We are just made/meant to BE! He was the one that had a problem with the age, and how it looked. Now, finally, he doesn’t blink, I am 1 mo. shy 0f 33. He just turned 67. We don’t live together anymore, or me with him, rather. But, we have just now, finallu, understood one another, now accepted . We are each others’ Psychological need – everything else, just follows. He is my mentor. His mind, and ideals are in his “style”. He is the only one, ever, who can pick my brain to “ease”! He and I are both, headstrong, independent, mysterious, caring, impatient, intolerant, master- minds ‘of the day’. I am his muse, and “fountain” of youth. He is my “professor” for me living MY life, right. I love him with every ounce of my soul! We need eachother to maintain our health, youth, and- all that we are! Not to mention- Our sex life has remained “absolute perfection”- still increases daily (12 yrs. so far) .” Just 2 kids in a candy store.” You can only understand completely by being there! It is just “something-… else”. That’s the only way to really put it. It is, what it “is”. That’s it!
biggleggz 60

i am dating a much older man and he is not that hot in bed he is always tired and watching tv all the time he is retired and he is 15 years older than me i’m 49 he can take me to the better places but the communication has broken down i try to keep the relationship fires burning romantic dinners keep my body in shape and all he wants to watch police videos and the sports channel the comments that older men want a young woman to make them feel they still got it but most of them they have to pay a price why not accept the fact that you are old
biggleggz 61

to hunter you said women want to be worshipped in bed why not or are you one of the old guys just do your thing and get off and don’t satisfy your mate since you are a decade old that is why we choose younger guys to cater to our bodies and will get more partcipation in bed how is your luv life must be boring you can’t keep it up
hunter 62

to biggleggz,

I can’t keep it up?….LOL!…how funny!…hhmmmhh
JAy 63

I am 18 and the man i am falling in love with is 30. Things are going great and all. I dont really care much for his age other than the fact that i am still learning to cope with the real world and he’s already in it. I am not really that domesticated…my life is just starting and his is already going…he wants a family and things that i want to give him but cant and am not ready to give him at this stage in my life. Any advice?
Megan D 64

Age is just a number it what you have in common and how you fit together I am 18 and my boyfriend is 38 we have been dating for 6 months and so going we make each other laugh and smile we never have a dull moment. and for most people that think younger women only date older men for finical support is not true because I look for the inner beauty not how much they make or what martials they can get me our relationship is strictly love and chemistry! I love him to the bottome of my heart!
Michael Ejercito 65

So what could you possibly have in common, Megan?
T 66

Dating an older man. I’ve always found older men more attractive.

It’s all about maturity. Now are there very immature old men, you bet, are there very mature young men, yes. but generally they are the exception to the rule.

Older men listen and know how to treat a woman. Instead of a bar playing beer pong they are ok with a beer or two and conversation. In the bedroom it’s an amazing experience; they slow down and there goal is to give you as much pleasure as possible, and they derive pleasure from your pleasure.

As far as personality, men’s personality is diverse no matter what age.

I started my family young, I have two kids.

It’s all about the maturity and the ablity to talk things out. I don’t see myself not dating older men. As far as attraction goes, the hottest movie stars out there are over 40, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, and yes Harrison Ford.

I think age is too much of a focus. If two 20 year olds date, and they break up people just accept it, but if a 20 year old and a 40 year old date and they break up, people say it was “the age thing”, and in both it’s about incompatability in whatever form it came in.
Harry W Smith 67

Megan D
38 is not old. Have you ever dated a man in his sixty?

Harry
Lynn 68

I have been reading all of the comments and they all hold true. All people date other people for different reasons. I have dated men 9 years younger, my age, and am now attracted to a man 15 years older. If the relationship is about security, money, and a younger better looking body it probably will fail age difference or not. The trick is if you really are attracted to the other person physically as well as mentally don’t let any reason keep you from going for happiness. Also, all the best relationship I witness is where people stay true to themselves. There was a comment about the older person not being as active. That doesn’t mean you can’t. My friends that have husbands the “same age” as them go on vegas vactions with just the girls’. Those friends have good marriages.

As far as when he gets “old” and the woman has to take care of him. Seriously, none of you know anyone who had to take care of thier spouse dying of cancer or other medical issues in thier 30, 40′s or 50′s. I have watched people take care of each other and they do it because they truly love that person. I want that kind of love. May not find it with someone 15 years older, but I am not missing a chance.

As far as the men being only concerened about “3 holes”. Those type of guys are in every age braket. That is lucky for us, how else would we get through “dry” spells.
Ash 69

i’ll be 22 in March, and my fiance just turned 48(his bday is in Sept) we plan on getting married by 2010.. age doesn’t matter when it comes to matters of the heart.
jay 70

Im 55, the girl is 23. I must say its fun being togeher. We expect nothing more from each other than just that. If she wanted to, I woud settle down in a heartbeat. I offer to do material things for her because it makes me happy to see her happy. She is happy at the thought of me treating her as an individulal, and not a sex object. I see younger couples with less than 5 years age difference, not enjoying each other as much as we do. While I suspect that we may never marry, nothing could destroy our presonal committment of trust and friendship. The years between us is just that, a space of time that has somhow bridged us together. Being older does not nessecarily mean I will pass on before she does. I am comforable with her doing the ‘younger’ things that’s grounded in her age group. Together, as a couple, we respect the age difference, and it has never came in to play, sexually, activitly, or socially. We truely have a great relationship. In her own words, ‘…being with you and around you is wonderful, I truely feel satisfied that you are in my life .’ I feel the same. While everyone throw out the pros and cons about the age difference, I’m glad that, no matter how long ours last, we enjoy each other to the fullest.
Kat 71

There is no commonality with a woman in her 20′s and a man in his 40′s or 50′s. He looks more like her father than her husband/boyfriend. Any kids he might have are embarassed by his advanced age and by people asking if he’s their grandfather. Older men are not physically attractive and their sperm declines after 35, cause chromosomal problems. The only thing they have going for them is money and resources, which women gravitate to. This is why the only women you see with much older men are those men with tons of money. What does this say about Mr. Dec./Ms. May? As far as the older man being truly attractive to the younger women, both parties know the truth.
Kat 72

Like many others, I met my husband when I was 28 and he was 42. We always did a lot of physical things together, such as hiking, walking, swimming, travelling, biking, etc. When he got into his 50′s he developed heart issues and many of these things are now out of the question as he gets overexerted. I am still young enough to take part in these activities and often do so alone now, as I still have excess energy at 42. Age becomes more of an issue as the man and woman get older and the woman still wants to lead an active life as opposed to being a couch potato.
Harry 73

You expain about men in their 40s and 50s with younger woman, but not about those in their 60s and 70s who can still have sex. All the man has to do is go to a fitness center and get on the treadmill,and a buy a penis pump.A penis pump exercises the penis. I have a penis pump, and it works very well. My penis has gotten longer. I don’t fall a sleep while doing it on top of a younger woman.Go to a health store. There are people there who can help you find herbs for the penis. Buy a book and dvds on how to exercise the face muscles, by Carole Maggio. The face also has muscles. the man would look much younger. The only men in their 60s and 70s who can not have sex anynore are the ones who smoke, drink,take drugs given by a doctor. I seen older men on treadmills running faster than me. That a lot of BS that that older men in their 60s and 70s can’t have sex. These older men know how to please a younger woman, and they take their time do it.

Harry
moonsical 74

Evan, one obvious answer might be that no matter what a woman’s age, a certain percentage of the male cohort is out chasing even younger women. I hear of 24 year old men dating girls in high school.

moon
Alan 75

I am 48 European, she is 26, Chinese. We met in China. She has lead a hard enough life to date and clearly never found anyone who cared about her. (which I can’t understand as she has a beautiful soul and is very pretty). Bizarrely I foud myself with a beautiful girlfriend when I wasn’t looking for anyone.
I am starting to age (under the eyes) a bit more than I’d like (Although I plan to get some surgery for that at some stage). Apart from that, I am active and fitter than most. My family (males+females) tend to live into their late 80′s. Problem is, I will be 70 when she is my current age. (Although at 70, my own father and uncles were still very fit – capable of cycling and walking for many miles daily).
However, I can imagine that at 40, being married to a 62 year might not be too appealing for her if my health is failing or my skin ages too rapidly.
My thinking now is that I want to be with her as long as it lasts between us but I reckon that she may wake up some day and look at the old man in bed beside her and wonder what she has done.
Even so, I am living in the moment. I will marry her and we will have a child. I will do my best with facial surgery and hair dye not to look like a totally old git for my child to be. As a previous contributor remarked, a high percentage of marraiges end in divorce anyhow.
I see a number of older European male/younger Chinese wife in daily life in China. I am wondering do such marraiges have a higher chance of success in China? Has anyone direct experience of this?

Alan´s last blog post…Why Doesn’t My Emotionally Unavailable Girlfriend Take Me Back After I Cheated On Her?
KalipsoRed 76

Since I was 19 I have been with a man that is 21 years older than me. I was totally in love with him…I still am, but I do see him slowing down and me speeding up (I’m 27 now, by the way). Luckly I moved a few years ago and I still see him when I visit my hometown, but I think me moving prevented a break up so now we are just good friends with benefits. I don’t think I had any daddy issues, my dad was a very supportive father who came to my games for school and stuff; he still is supportive.
Personally I wanted someone who was responsible and reliable…I still want that in a partner. If I can move 1,000 miles away from my family, pay for a 4 year degree on my own, and now have a job making 30 to 40k a year why would I expect to settle for something less in my partner. I also wanted (and still do) a sexual partner who knows how to give as much as he gets, who understands how girls sexual organs function, and who realizes that if sex is going to be fun for both of us then he is probably going to have to make me orgasm first. I also wanted/want someone who has decent manners, not like old people manners, but a man who knows how to shake hands and isn’t afraid to open a door for a lady on occasion. I’ve dated one guy my age and a guy two years younger than me since my older guy and I parted and they both sucked! They were rude, unintelligent, poor with money, had no thoughts about were they wanted their future to go, and most importantly they really, really, really sucked at sex. I can safetly say that I have no desire to consider dating someone less that 30 any more.
Sayanta 77

I’m 30, and I’m always getting e-mails from men who were entering their first marriages when I was watching Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. It annoys the hell out me.

That said- I wouldn’t say no to a fling with Bob Dylan.
tay 78

I was dating a man who was 20yrs older than me and it was a rollercoaster ride. He’s been married and divorced twice and has kids and grandkids. We broke it off a few days ago because things were going downhill. I had problems with his kids and we were in different stages in our lives. He offered me the world but at the same time it was on his terms. He went to bed on the weekends before 11p and sex with him was like a chore. Sometimes I was ashamed to be seen with him around people my own age. although the relationship lasted 5yrs it was the worst 5yrs of my life. I will never again date someone that much older than me, it was like my life was in a time warp. My advice stay away from the nursing homes.
Michael Ejercito 79

I was dating a man who was 20yrs older than me and it was a rollercoaster ride. He’s been married and divorced twice and has kids and grandkids. We broke it off a few days ago because things were going downhill. I had problems with his kids and we were in different stages in our lives. He offered me the world but at the same time it was on his terms. He went to bed on the weekends before 11p and sex with him was like a chore. Sometimes I was ashamed to be seen with him around people my own age. although the relationship lasted 5yrs it was the worst 5yrs of my life. I will never again date someone that much older than me, it was like my life was in a time warp. My advice stay away from the nursing homes.
Maybe it was the fact that he had kids and was divorced had much more to do with it than his age.
Up North Ted 80

Seems like you folks have a lot of time to debate this issue. Must not be dating. My philosophy is let people find the one they are happy with. As in any relationship, if they find a way to make it work, then they’ll be happy. However, my observations of some of the on-line dating sites is that young woman often complain about unstable, unreliable, don’t want to work, idea of fun is computer games, etc. young boy friends. Do not see that about older boy friends. Spend time in the Atlanta airport and you will regularly see woman walk by with a 15-20 year older husband and a baby or two. Wonder why that is……….
luv3pugs 81

I just had to write that I have always been attracted to older men. Even in high school, my boyfriend was in college. I always agreed that younger men were into partying and goofing around and not that serious. But, now that I am in my mid 30′s, I have a boyfriend that is only 8 years older. What a change! Now that I am older, it is nice to have a man closer to my age. They are mature at this age AND we have so many more common interests. So, for what it’s worth. . . if you have always liked older men and now you are no longer in your 20′s or early 30′s try one close to your age! It is really nice : )
Jai 82

I’m 19 and my boyfriend is 30. Our relationship to many is odd because of his experience and his lack of. I’m a sopmore in college he’s got a job a house a car and plans for his long term life. Meeting me just made him want to include me into those plans. And well have to wait a bit. Many of the advantages were listed above. The wisdom and stability that he. Brings forth is definitely great. The maturity is even better. I love him and I know he loves me and wants to build a future with me as do I with him. Older men younger women… It doesn’t necessarily mean that it won’t work because there is a decade between us. It just means we have to be a little more patient and work a little harder when it comes to certain aspects of our relationship.
Michael Ejercito 83

You mean apart from having nothing in common?
someonewhoknows 84

wow…very insightful comments.

I am currently in a relationship that has a 12 yr age gap…him older. And admit that it does create incompatibilies. I am 43 and he is 55. Yes, I have always been attracted to older men. But, just because you are attracted to something doesn’t make is a good choice long term. I’m also attracted to Lays potato chips.

This is my 2nd relationship with this age gap…my long term one before that was a 3 yr gap. I did not actively look for an older man…they were just the ones that “happened” with me.

So, yes, I am attracted to maturity, masculinity, stability. But am finding that there are incompatibilies with sexual drive, sensual range, depth of intimacy and openness to evolve thinking/behaviours. Being “set in your ways” is a fact. And…older men are more….sexist. That’s just a fact. The stereotypical sexual roles of male/female are alive and well in an older man….he has adapted ofcourse…or a younger woman wouldn’t go there…but after the infatuation stage wears off and you get down to the nitty gritty of the foundation requirements to sustain a long term relationship…well…the polarities are magnified.

Yes…he will get old before me..in fact is already so….and is already a concern… He problem solving skills are not as advanced as mine…nor is motivation to adaptation or change. He’s in the coasting phase…and I’m just getting started…

Do I see it lasting? honestly? No. I do think finding someone from the same generation offers more chance of success long term. It’s hard enough finding compatibility on a good day…adding the age gap issues only make it that much more difficult.
Maria 85

Love is ageless; it simply is just there. In my past, I fell in love with a man 26 years my senior. No Kidding. He was my intellectual equal and has repeatedly stated that I was his intellectual equal- , and yes he is very successful, powerful etc. It has nothing to do with a daddy figure (at least in my case) as I have a great relationship with my father (who was 45 when I was born.) I think his love is amazing, thats why I fell for him.
fromonewhoknows 86

I’m happy for you Maria…you say past….you are not with this man anymore? My first thought was….did he die? lmao…oh…I’m sorry…that was very very insensitive…but bet more than me thought it. Hey..we need a sense of humour in all things.

I don’t deny that love is ageless. I love this man I’m with…very much. I wouldn’t be there otherwise. I also loved my ex husband…but…unfortunately, love is never quite enough…you have to have a foundation of compatible values, etc… We all know it’s not black and white..but…if there is a statistic of disolution of relationships, I bet it’s higher in this area.

fromonewhoknows´s last blog post…A Cute Foreign Man Is Flirting With Me. What Are His Motives?
Rob 87

Since I was age 40 I have had 12 young women all pretty and in their early 20s hit on me. They were all very obvious so as to leave no doubt of their intentions. Some were too sexy to print here. When I was young (I am now 53) this never happened. I believe it is because I now fill a category for young women who like much older men in good shape. As an an anology I use bodybuilders. Most women were turned off by the physiques of the professional bodybuilders I knew, but the women who liked them liked them a lot and sought them out. As a result these men had lots of girlfriends. There is only a small minority of young women who like much older men, although in a country of 300 million that is thousands of young women. It is best for men to look for the signals interested young women will give them. Then the men can approach them with less chance of being embarressed by the rejection of young women who are “grossed out” by much older men. Their is nothing inherently immoral about an age gap relationship no matter how large the gap as long as it is moral and legal. Their were couples in the Bible who were ages apart. Rob
Maria 88

#86- No he did not die. He felt that by becoming involved with me he would “rob” me of life experiences (i.e. having a young family, the white picket fence dream, etc.) As I stated, his love was and is amazing. He always gave me room to grow, explore and just be.

#87- I am not “into” older men, but have (as I have stated) fallen for an older man. It depends on the person, our connection and chemistry. I think it’s best to judge each person and relationship on it’s own merits. I am an equal opportunity dater, excluding sexual orientation (they must be hetero!!)
Ricky 89

I am a 50 and I first noticed the alluring shape of women when I was in the 2nd grade. This was before I learned anything about sex, relationships, etc. The point is we are wired from the start to appeal to the opposite sex prior to any imposed social norms. This is always changing anyway. Till this day I’m still attracted to the alluring shape and fitness of younger women. For me it is about curiosity. What is she like? What would it feel like to touch her? I am a very shy and mild mannered person and was brought up to be nice to girls.

Lately I’ve been thinking about wanting kids. But how does a 50 something find a healthy woman to have kids with? If I could I would love to find a healthy 34 yo and give it to her hard and have some babies. I’ve had quite a few women show interest in me but the age difference does bring up some issues for me even when the chemistry feels right. I think deep down I feel that it would never last. But then I felt this way when I was in my 20s. So really nothing different. Still hoping for a successful marriage with a beautiful feminine woman who will let me do that one thing I’ve always wanted to
Karl R 90

Ricky asked: (#89)
“how does a 50 something find a healthy woman to have kids with?”

I think you’re screwed.

Based on what you’ve said, your lack of self-confidence sabotaged every relationship that you’ve had since your 20s, and you haven’t done anything to fix that. You’re “hoping for a successful marriage with a beautiful feminine woman” without making the necessary changes to give you a chance to have any chance at a successful long-term relationship.

As Evan says, “Nice guys without any balls finish last.”

Grow a pair.

Ricky said: (#89)
“If I could I would love to find a healthy 34 yo and give it to her hard and have some babies.”

Why a 34 year old? If you’re that anxious to immediately start a family, you can find a 40 year old who is much more interested in having a child immediately.

I’m dating a 48 year old who is more fit and has a better figure than most 20-somethings (and I know several 50-somethings in equally good shape).

Reality check:
There are lots of 50 year old men looking to marry healthy, beautiful and feminine 34 year old women. There are far fewer 34 year old women looking for 50 year old men to father their children. Unless you stand out from the crowd (which isn’t likely since you’re very shy), you’re toast.

If you want to start a family in this lifetime, you might want to rethink your dating strategy.
Michael 91

So Karl, what is the exact procedure that he should use?
Karl R 92

Michael asked: (#91)
“So Karl, what is the exact procedure that he should use?”

This isn’t the heimlich maneuver. There isn’t an exact procedure.

For some general guidelines, Ricky might have better luck if…
1) he hired a therapist to work on his self-confidence
2) he prioritized his goals and set them to something achievable
3) he got out there and started dating
…in approximately that order.
Ricky 93

Thanks for the all the replies. The suggestion that I see a therapist over just one Internet post merits scrutiny. However, getting out their and dating is probably the best idea.
Helen 94

“This is the most compelling reason behind why younger women might go for older men: they’re daddy substitutes. An older man’s going to be the strong, nurturing guy who takes care of her, teaches her, and treats her like a princess the kind of relationship that she probably lacked growing up.”

Evan: I’m afraid you’ve gotten this wrong. Why assume that because a younger woman falls for an older man, it’s because she has psychological problems or a failed relationship with her father? My girlfriends and I have ALL fallen for older men (>20 years older than us) at some point or another, and we are normal women with good relationships with our fathers and other men.

To put it bluntly: We fall for older men because in our society, older men carry all the perks. Our society perceives older men as being just as, if not more, attractive than younger men – quite different from how women are viewed. Biologically, older men are just as able to father children, so there’s no reason for us to seek younger men for procreation. In addition, they have more resources, they have more of that confidence and dignity that most men under 40 lack, and you rarely have to worry about “mothering” them. Having to take care of a man who wants to act like a boy is such a turn-off.

I’m in my 30s. I find many 30s men unattractive because they seem so insecure and skitterish: kissing up to people in their jobs, trying to make everyone like them, trying to be acceptable, afraid of losing their positions and striving to climb the ladder… it’s a turn-off. Yes, there are 30s men who have confidence, and I admire them, but they are few and far between. I do prefer men who are at least a few years, if not a few decades, older.
Michael Ejercito 95

Biologically, older men are just as able to father children, so there’s no reason for us to seek younger men for procreation. In addition, they have more resources, they have more of that confidence and dignity that most men under 40 lack, and you rarely have to worry about mothering them. Having to take care of a man who wants to act like a boy is such a turn-off.
Of course, you have to consider that a lot of those older men have children or ex-wives, which could be a turn-off.
Cilla 96

Or, Michael, a man having had kids already could be perfect for someone who doesn’t want to feel pressured to have any of her own. Having been married is like being vetted–a woman knows *somebody* was willing to marry him before, and more importantly, he was willing to try the commitment. A 40+-year-old bachelor screams “There’s something wrong with me! I just can’t commit!” to many women.
Michael 97

Having been married is like being vetted a woman knows *somebody* was willing to marry him before, and more importantly, he was willing to try the commitment.
This begs the question of why the commitment failed if the dude was divorced.
A 40+-year-old bachelor screams There’s something wrong with me! I just can’t commit! to many women.
A divorcee screams, “There’s something wrong with me! I just can’t keep commitments.”

Maybe they would be better off dating widowers.
Cilla 98

@ Michael #97

Nice try, but with at least 50% of the population divorcing, few women even sniff at the fact that a man was married before. Read some of the dating site forums–most posters there won’t touch a guy who’s over 40 and never been married. Same for women who have been divorced–men prefer that to a “spinster” with the assumed desperation of a ticking clock.
Karl R 99

Cilla said: (#98)
“Read some of the dating site forums most posters there won’t touch a guy who’s over 40 and never been married.”
Michael said: (#97)
“A divorcee screams, ‘There’s something wrong with me! I just can’t keep commitments.’ “

I wouldn’t consider eliminating a person due to their previous marital status (never married or divorced). But if someone were going to start eliminating based on that, it would be more reasonable for them to eliminate the divorcees.

50% of all marriages end in divorce.
70% of all second marriages end in divorce.
Of first marriages, ones between older partners are less likely to end in divorce than younger partners.
I couldn’t find any statistics for where it’s one partner’s first marriage and the other’s second.

On the large scale, it appears that an older person who has never been married is a better choice, if longevity of the marriage is a prime consideration.

On the individual scale, it will vary greatly, however.
Michael 100

#99

A widow might be a good candidate, as long as you are certain that she did not whack her husband.
Helen 101

Karl R, thanks for the stats. Very interesting. What is the source of the 70% statistic? I find that rather hard to believe just based on looking at the couples around me, but a reliable source would be convincing.

My main point above (in post #94) was that women aren’t in any way damaged for wanting older men, and men over the age of 40 shouldn’t despair about never finding a woman.
Cilla 102

@ #99

Reasonable isn’t always a criterion when it comes to dating. You can give statistics until the cows come home, but as I’ve said before, dating isn’t a science. Yes, it would make more sense for men to choose women whose record wasn’t “smirched” with a divorce. It would also make more sense for men to choose women who are more likely to date them, but that doesn’t stop them from relentlessly pursuing the 10s. That’s just the way it works.
Karl R 103

Helen asked: (#101)
“What is the source of the 70% statistic? I find that rather hard to believe just based on looking at the couples around me, but a reliable source would be convincing.”

I don’t have a reliable source for that number.

However, I went to the CDC website in search of reliable numbers.
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/ad/ad323.pdf

33% of first marriages end by 10 year mark.
24% of first marriages end by the 10 year mark when the wife was 25 years old or older at the time of marriage. (The CDC stats don’t make distinctions for ages over 25)

39% of second marriages survive past the 10 year mark.
34% of second marriages survive past the 10 year mark when the wife was 25 years old or older at the time of marriage.

The CDC speaks of “marriage disruptions”, which include separations and divorces, but the overwhelming number of separations end in divorce within a short span of time.

It appears that the “first” and “second” marriage designation is based only on the woman. The man’s previous marital status was not considered.

The 50% statistic that everyone “knows” seems to be the chances that a first marriage will end by the 20 year mark. When I extrapolated the second marriage data, it looked like 60% would end by the 20 year mark (and 50% would end by the 15 year mark).

Michael said: (#102)
“A widow might be a good candidate”

In my city and my age range, only less then 2% of the women were widows. The results might be substantially better if you’re dating women over the age of 70.

Cilla said: (#102)
“Reasonable isn’t always a criterion when it comes to dating.”

I’m aware that people have all sorts of unreasonable dating criteria. I love pointing out the unreasonableness of those criteria … which I was doing here.

If divorcees claim that older singles are “smirched” (as you indicated in #98), I’ll point out the statistics that indicate our marriages are more likely to survive than theirs.

But as I said earlier, I date women who are single and divorced. I only avoid the separated ones.
career#? 104

When I was in my 20′s I worked [and lived in very close proximaty] with men of all ages. Thankfully, I had my own private quarters though not much free time. I was very career focused and dating the men was not allowed and I had no problem socializing and dating outside this pool. As far as even “thinking” about dating some of the older guys, the women in their 30′s -60′ made it very clear to me in no uncertain terms that I was never going to be welcomed into dating “their” men. Cameras were everywhere and punishment was immediate banishment. I’m so happy I didn’t disobey “the rules” as I developed lovely friendships with the men and some of the older men looked out for me like I was their daughter and I really appreciate not being hit on when I was trying to focus on learning what I needed so everyone would be safe. I’ve lots of great relationships with the older ladies, too. Some people complain about rules but I could always defer to the rules in times of weak ego strength. I got to learn about the guys and the ladies without the dating jealousy stuff and have some laughs as well as feeling part of a wonderful professional team. I’ve retired from that career and though in some ways I miss it I will always be grateful for the folks that made these experiences possible.
Kaytee 105

The comments regarding age gap relationships have some truth to them in that it is the popular point-of-view and certain biological facts revolving around the woman being able to bear biological children effects these issues. However, aside from that…this is an issue of accepted norms/tradition/convention. And there are actually a lot more instances of age gap relationships and marriages than people realize. There are also people who for whatever reason (some may consider it abnormal) prefer or gravitate into relationships with someone who is a lot younger or older.

Sometimes it could do with looks. Youthful appearance may run in a family or mature appearance may run in a family and these people are mistaken for much younger or older. Youthful appearance runs in mine and so there are many age gap relationships.

My brother is 12 years older than his wife…he is 55 and she is 43, but frankly you couldn’t tell and in another 10 years, she may even look older than him. He has not one gray hair, a full head of hair, and hardly any wrinkles.

Ironically, I have a friend who is close to 60 and her husband is only 4 years older, but she looks a good 20 years younger and she has been mistaken for his daughter!!!

So you really can’t make vast generalizations. There are so many stories out there that would suprise everyone and these are not all that unusual…although they may be apart from the “norm” and obviously not the majority, but definitely age gap relationships are alive and well and will continue.
Julien 106

Just because the younger person may be healthy now doesn’t mean that they will be healthy tomorrow. My mother died at 48 and I know 62 years olds that are still going strong. An older parter may be older but there’s no guarantee that they will die first either. I understand all of this and still I don’t feel comfortable dating someone 15 years older than me. I am 36 and there’s a 52 year old who keeps asking me out. I’m sorry, but I’m repulsed by the offer. He’s even more immature than the 40 year olds I normally date. Why can’t they stick to their own age group? There’s a lot of lonely 50+ women out there.
why not 107

Why not a much older man? I have always been attracted to that type since I was 16. I’m 28 now. I have very high expectations that only an older man can fulfill. It’s not because they have more money than me. To be honest, I almost always was the more well off in the relationships. I don’t need a man to pay my bills but if I’m asked to pay for every single date, you’re out. I don’t want someone who’s going to take advantage of me financially. I do understand that a marriage would be an unwise choice. But why can’t I just be spending fun time with someone 15-17 years older than me? Does it hurt anybody? Don’t get me wrong, if an older, single (and they better be single or forget about it) guy develops strong feelings for me and I happen to feel the same, I would be willing to commit if he asks me to. (This isn’t likely to happen because even though I may like a man, I fall in love rarely. It has only happened one time in the past.) But if I find myself in love again, I would stick around. I don’t care what people are saying about sexual peak comming and him not being able to perform at that point. I’ll buy a bunch of sex toys if that’s what it takes. Lack of sex would not be a reason for me to leave someone if I truly love them. I find that most older men have a better sense of humor, they act more mature, they have seen a lot in their life and maintaing a conversation with them is a much smoother task than with guys my age. I need to be on the same level of maturity as a man I’m with or it won’t work out. I’m sick of young guys asking me to pull their finger so they can fart and giggle like idiots. It’s not even a bit funny! To me sex is not the only thing that matters, but it helps. Older men are more sexually experienced, which is great because half the time I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
And if you’re wondering, I don’t have daddy issues. My dad was there for me when I needed him, and he still is. I may not know what being “treated like a princess” means, but I am in no way shape or form expecting that from a man. All I care about is that I’m treated with respect. I expect a guy to be a gentleman. Male gold diggers, slimy pigs, and stalkers are huge turn offs.
chaneln 108

I am 35 and my guy is 70. I have no explaination except that I have never felt this way in my entire life. He is my soulmate…yes, older, yes, but he understands me…
michael 109

Not men that around 43 or older need to ingest medication to enhance their sex life. You as a coach or trainer desire more research on this subject. I am 59 yaears old and do not drug to get a response to my love muscle. Just looking at your face, you most likely can’t be much more than in your thirties. You know that research for gaining your academics is not the true response to the outcome of studies. I am really disagree with you input and outlook. The baby boomer generations have most likely experienced a healthy sexual encounters without having to take a pill to get a hard on.
Paul Edelen 110

Older men are more capable at everything than your are. They can be physically fit, intelligent, the best lovers, and very kind. Younger men are usually inept, poor lovers, in lousy physical shape, and lacking in basic intelligence. We also have more money and power and know what to do with it.
michael 111

I have learned through the most revealing information about this subject. For me it’s called learning from your mistakes that provides a positive experience in a relationship. I am an older gentleman that will bring my special lady from another country. I have learned from the most important resource as to why some ladies enjoy being with an older man. Lets take a look at the various multi-culture in our world. By this I would like for individuals look at their own individual bondries that were insilled by their own culture or maybe this is right and this wrong. I have learned that there is such a great difference in the nurturing process of a relationship between female and males. i believe for the most part, if a man dose not mature in the since of being very perceptive of how women internalized their warmth, love, that results in how they nurture the relationship. How many times that a lady has experience a loss of whatever nature and decided the only to deal with is to numb their feeling. Men are at times more likely to not address a feeling that would require them to internalize the nurturing process of what has just happen to their heart. I can remeber gowing up that big boys don’t cry or express their feelings. Girls were the only one allowed to process their feelings. maybe the picture was nothing more that from the start, males where seen as having to set boundries without acknowlging their ability to nurture the feelings the same as women. OK, enough of my comment. I am looking to fly in my very special Baltic lady in may of 2010. She may be a lot younger but I have yet during my journey met a women in my city that couldn’t indentify with maturity of a older experinced gentleman. Boundries were never met to be barriers. I do think that culture awareness in terms of how we are brought interfere with making a great decision about becoming wise. The only situation that I have a difficulty is not spell chech with this comment.
michael 112

PS……I get in too much of a hurry when I start typing…….
Karl R 113

Paul Edelen said: (#110)
“Older men are more capable at everything [...]. They can be physically fit, intelligent, the best lovers, and very kind. Younger men are usually inept, poor lovers, in lousy physical shape, and lacking in basic intelligence. We also have more money and power and know what to do with it.”

Everything you stated about older men could equally apply to older women. If you (as an older man) believe those traits are valuable in yourself, why wouldn’t you seek them out in a woman?

And if you’re deliberately seeking relationships with younger women (who lack those traits in the same manner that their male counterparts do), doesn’t that indicate that you value the beauty of youth more than basic intelligence, skill as a lover and kindness?
Evan Marc Katz 114

Ding ding ding! I believe the hypocrisy alarm has sounded…
michael 115

There is only one kind of beauty that I see in a relationship with a lady. The beauty within her heart makes her appearance. I still believe in the saying, “Never judge a book by its cover”. My lady is very intelligent, skilled, from within her heart and having the formal college education…
Helen 116

Karl R and Evan: I thought we covered ad infinitum, ad nauseum in another post (“Why don’t men want smart, strong, successful women?”) that men don’t want to marry female versions of themselves. So if you believe that to be true, then that lets Paul Edelen off the hook.
Karl R 117

Helen said: (#116)
“I thought we covered [...] that men don’t want to marry female versions of themselves.”

That’s why I didn’t mention Paul Edelen’s comments about money and power. That may even get him off the hook with the intelligence. But I’d really like someone to find a statement in that previous thread that indicates that kindness and skill in bed aren’t important to men.

Furthermore, he doesn’t sound like he’s making an observation about why younger women want to date older men. He sounds like he’s making a sales pitch as to why younger women should want to date older men.
Becca 118

I am 28 and my boyfriend is 46. It’s an 18 year difference, but it’s also been the best relationship I’ve ever been in. Why would a young woman be attracted to an older man? I can give plebty of reasons. I’ve been attracted to older men since I can remember. In high school I had crushes on my teachers not the boys my age and in college I was attracted to my older male professors.

I married young to a guy 2 years older than me. He’s attractive, but then I watch movies with Harrison Ford, Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan, etc. and I was highly turned on by those men fantasizing what it would be like to be with one of them. My marriage failed after only a few years, and I dated guys in their late 30′s, and one 40 year old. THEN I met my boyfriend. Late 40′s, good looking, nice body, great sense of humor, and STABLE. Oh, and he’s a professor It’s not about the money as many people here have written or the fact that he treats me like a princess. I don’t know how much money he actually makes. I do know he is financially stable and that’s all that matters money-wise. But he treats me with respect and we share a lot of interests. Those qualities are what make a relationship work… it has nothing to do with age. I’m more attracted to him than any younger guy or 30 something I’ve dated. I did the party scene in my early 20′s before I had children. By the time I had children I was ready to settle down, quit the drinking and partying and be a Mom. Not many guys under the age of 35 are willing to give up partying. I can’t deal with that after having an alcoholic ex-husband.

Of course, having interests that you share are important in any relationship. I just happened to find a silver fox who likes what I like, which is a nice quiet life and spending time together instead of at bars. And we both have a wicked silly sense of humor. He has his hobbies and I think they are wonderful. I have mine and likewise he is supportive. His quirks turn me on. We GET each other. I don’t know that I could have found that with a younger guy.

Yes, it is probably a huge ego boost for him that he is dating a girl 18 years younger and personally I love to give him that ego boost He deserves it. He’s laidback and has a great sense of humor on top of being sexy. And yes, older men CAN be sexy (well, I’ve thought so my whole life). And the sex… is awesome. Older men know just how to touch a woman in the right places… no training required.

So here’s my list as to why I like dating silver foxes:
1. There are some incredibly sexy older men
2. Gray hair is HOT (well my bf has blonde hair but I can see some gray)
3. Stability in life
4. Experience- they know what they want and what they don’t want
5. No games. Damn, I hate when guys play games. And every guy under 35 is guilty of playing them.
6. Great sex
7. the fact that they adore you because you are actually interested in them. It’s nice to be adored and appreciated.
8. they’re not clingy. They know you need your space and they need theirs as well.

A lot of my friends do make fun of me and question why I would date a man so much older. We are all attracted to different people. And there are 20 something women out there that adore older men. I’m not the only one. And maybe it’s genetic. My stepdad is 16 years older than my mom, and they’ve been married 25 years. I’ve only been with my bf for 6 months, but I’d marry the man in a heartbeat. He just DOES it for me. And as he gets older and grayer he’ll continue to do it for me.
BeenThere 119

I was the younger woman who married the older man. I was 29 and he was 50 when we married, that was 21 years ago. We met when I was 25 and started out as friends. (and only friends) If I had the answer to why two people fall in love then I would be able to explain our relationship. I didn’t go out with him because he was rich, in fact I was in a better financial place than he was. Nor was I looking for a father, I have one of those that I have a very good relationship with.

We were friends, we had some of the same interests. He was funny, I’d screw up the punch line but always laugh at his jokes. He was kind and was interested in me. He demonstrated qualities that made me respect him: honesty, responsibility, taking pride in his work, liking small children and dogs. He thought I was beautiful (this is where “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” comes in, I know I was attractive but I was never the most beautiful girl around). I thought he was ruggedly handsome. We both had good conversational skills, we both could talk about many subjects and we knew how to listen to each other and we didn’t mind learning from one another. (Doesn’t seem to be much of this going on today.)

I knew him for 22 years and was married for 18, he passed away 2 years ago. I don’t regret a minute of my life with him, for you see I know that I was truly loved and isn’t that the point of this journey. To love and be loved. Was there a price to pay? Absolutely, disapproving remarks, being excluded by both generations, each of us made sacrifices for the other (I never had children and he continued to be involved in our business longer than he would have), I’m alone again and trying to date. Would I go back and do it all over again? Without hesitation. Do I want to date another man that is significantly older? No. Would I recommend it to someone else? I think everyone has to make their own decisions in life and they should just be as informed as possible and understand why they are going down this path. If it isn’t true love it won’t last and the price you pay for this mistake is higher because of the age difference.

I suppose we never quite know the ulimate cost of things in life, just recently I have come to understand that being a widow is a detriment to me in the dating world. It seems many men don’t know how to deal with this status. I find it ironic that men would prefer a divorced woman (if her actions caused the divorce why would you want her and if he left her she’s probably angry and has trust issues) over a widow that just might have gotten it right and figured out how to build a good relationship and at the very least has proven she gets the commitment portion (that’s what “til death do us part” means).

Anyway, it’s dating it doesn’t always make sense.
Taylor 120

I was 17 , only just 17 and I dated a man 13 years my senior.
It was chemistry like never before. Not so much physical. Whether this sounds conceited or not the fact is I am a very attractive woman and although his appearance grew on me a great deal at first I did not find him physically attractive. Obese , glasses , facial hair and far from a clean cut style .
He didn’t know how old I was when we were introduced at a “party” of 5 in his recording studio. I’ve looked the same since I was 15 and usually get 22 as a guess from the time I was 15 onwards. I told him that same night how old I was and he said infront of the guests , if I were younger we would be soul mates.
That was Saturday , by Monday we were both smitten. I don’t know what it was because it isn’t there anymore but it certainly wasn’t his status or material gifts.
In fact , I was the one always committed and attentive , the one who paid my own way even when I really couldn’t afford it . Even the gift giver.
He wasn’t a pervert into young girls. He broke it off until I turned 18 the end of that year.
I will admit , I have a lot of girlfriends who are more than happy to take if it is offered . But I have every material possession I could need though I’m not in anyway fully financially secure and there is NOTHING I could want bad enough to not have earned it myself . A genuine gift from a mutually loved one is different . But there are few people I would accept such things from.
I avoid at all costs feeling obligated towards anyone whom I don’t care to be .
Our story is perhaps unusual but it does happen. We are no longer together but I gained from the experience.
Danielle 121

There’s a group that seems to be left out of the responses. There are a few women like me that have already started and finished their families and do not want to start over again. I foolishly married my high school sweetheart and got divorced 9 years later. That means I’m 29 and a mother to a 3 year old and 5 year old. Quite frankly I have no desire to repeat the sleepless nights or slowdown the expansion of my business as another child would require. Obviously this clashes with the desires of the men since most have never married or had children.

This makes men forty and over match better for me. Many have already had their children and are not looking to expand their families. They understand the occasional canceling of a date due to a child’s sickness. These men are already stable in their careers and more understanding of the time commitments I have.
I have an amazing father and my grandfather lived next door to me growing up. I definitely don’t have “Daddy” issues. I will admit that the majority of men in their 40s treat me better than those in their 30s. However when did it become a bad thing for a man to open doors, pay for dates, etc? These men have had relationships and know how to make them work. They know foreplay begins at the start of the date and continues on so that by the time sex actually starts its much better and more satisfying than with a younger man.
Sadly, I feel that I have more in common with men that are in their late/early 40s then men my age.
Jayde 122

I’m 29 and my partner is 45. Before him I hadn’t dated anyone more than 4 years older/younger than me, although in hindsight I realized that I’ve always been more attracted to older men.

This is, by far, the best relationship I have ever had in every aspect – especially the physical!! We have many, many common interests and values. More importantly we have many common personality traits, so we understand each other and communicate very well. There’s a level of respect with him that I’ve never been able to find with men my own age.

I agree that in most cases, being at different life stages and one partner having more experience would be a major issue. We’ve found that in our particular case it doesn’t come into play at all. Financially we’re at the same point in our lives (both coming out of divorces with similar incomes and assets) so this isn’t a factor either.

Another huge bonus is that he already has children and isn’t interested in more. For a woman who has never wanted children of her own, this is a perfect scenario! I’ve found that the role of stepmother suits me just fine.

So what’s my point? I agree that the “rule” is likely that a woman going for an older man has ulterior motives. I just wanted to point out – as others already have – that sometimes the atrraction is genuine and the relationship just works.

Not to say that it’s all roses. While he’s still fit and active, he does have some health concerns that could get in the way if we let them. As Been There alluded to in #119 – we’d rather enjoy a few fantastic years together experiencing real love than never experience that connection at all.
Windwalker 123

I think that an older man will dwindle in their 5o’s. Sex is not that great especially after a heart condition. Viagra won’t work for them either. I don’t find them attractive.
Louise 124

I'm 37 and was with a man of 45 until end of last year. I ended it because the lack of sex and passion, I was tearing my hair out. A few times a month and very routine and only in the morning. He made me feel like his companion with a bit more. I kept on asking him if it was me and he wasn't attracted and wanted out and each time he said that he didn't know and was his age and was stressed and just didn't feel like it much anymore. But he loved my company.
He's now with a woman of 49 and they are both very happy. I don't know if they are having sex and the issue was that actually he didn't fancy me but maybe as she's older, it's more about the companionship when you head towards your 50s?
Gutted and miss him loads still and maybe I did put too much on sex?
LynetteB 125

I want to date an older man. Not marry but date. Not for money or status, but because I know to him I would be soooo desirable. A feather in his cap. I want to experience that level of being desired. I won’t actually do it, though, because I’d just be using him.
Hetz 126

Great post as always.
Bee 127

Hey, I can definitely respect your writing here, however I have a slightly different out look. At any rate have a good holiday.

Thanks!
Tony
Denise 128

#124 Louise

Sorry to say, but this seems to be a case of him just not being into you.
30's Female 129

@HELEN #94:

Your last paragragh where you list among your reasons for choosing older men were because men in their 30′s were:
A) Kissing up to their bosses.
B) Trying to make sure they looked presentable at work.
C) Trying to smile too hard so they can be liked (I’m paraphrasing here).

Helen, these so-called “older men’ you fancy had to-at some in their lives- do those things to get where they are no (if that be the case). And I can’t believe you would look down on ANYONE (not just a man) for trying to work their way up the adder at an honest job! He’s not out ‘stealing’ , he’s working! But honest hard work is not good enough for YOU, Miss Princess. What a STUPID, PATHETIC list of ‘reasons’ to put down men in their 30′s as a group and turn your nose up. To each his own but you sound INCREDIBLY shallow, materialistic, and LAZY as all get out (there, I said it). Sounds like you just want to ride the wave and leech off of men who have put sweat and hard work into the earnings, and sit back and live off of them. And if you want to have the finer things in life, get off your rusty-dusty and work for your own so YOU have something to bring to the table other than ‘little sister (what’s down there)’.

Personally, I see nothing wrong with being with someone who actively has goals and dreams and works hard, and then perhaps the material things can come later. But if your only motivation is MATERIAL then save yourself the divorce and don’t even bother getting married (because it won’t last).
Joomla 130

Thnx for the good read! I really enjoyed that.
cosmo 131

From someone that was married to a man 12 years older. When your in your 20′s and 30′s and 30′s and 40′s there is not that much age gap. It is actually great because males mature slowly. As other woman have said earlier. But when you are 40 and 50 and he is 50 and 60. It is a big age gap. My husband died at 63. I think we need to classify any man that dates younger than 15 years as a pedophile type man. We need a term that would encompass what is going on here. I certainly understand why a man wants to date a younger woman. I myself see a younger man as more attractive than men my age. But I think people are better off dating there own generation. So I do seek out of my age difference. I think a 10 year age gap is reasonable. But anything over 15 years is sick. Someone is mentally immature. The girl just wants your money or what your money can do for her. So why would a man want that? Stupid if you ask me.
Jessup 132

Hey, Great post and really nice article. Thank you so much.
Sweetland 133

Love your blog very much, awesome post. Thanks
Tom 134

I had the happiest year of my life with a woman 10 years younger than me (45/55). The age-gap was no issue at all. We loved each other … or we did until she broke up with me unexpectedly. But the breakup was nothing to do with our age.

Let us talk less about what we SHOULD or SHOULD NOT do when there is an age difference, and look more at the individuals involved, whether it enriches ther lives, makes them happy, helps them fulfil their dreams …
Ms. Bee 135

I think age becomes less of an issue once you’re around 30. The poster right above me who commented that he dated someone a decade younger when he was 55 is not experiencing much of an age gap. I know plenty of people who’ve dated up or down 10 years once they’ve passed 30, and it was no big deal.

When I was in college, though, I often dated anywhere between 8 and 15 years older, and that’s a major age gap when you’re that young. The older people I was dating all had something in common: They were very immature for their age. They could not relate to their same-age peers. They consistently went for much younger partners because emotionally, they were on the same level.

The worst age gap I experienced was a man 15 years my senior when I was 23. He kept getting older and his girlfriends kept getting younger. He liked the power imbalance in the relationship – he liked being a daddy to these young women, and felt powerful because they were not as far into their careers as he was, he outearned them, etc. This made me very uncomfortable, especially when he started commenting on the shabby apartment I rented – what I could afford on my entry level income – and told me I should “ask my dad for money.” (What? Why? I was proud of earning my own way.) It ended, of course, and he pranked me over e-mail months after we broke up. Sure, age-wise, he was almost 40. But in many ways, he had the emotional maturity of a teenager.

I wouldn’t want to date a much older man these days, with one exception: Iggy Pop. And that’s because he’s Iggy Pop. Everyone I know, male and female, wouldn’t mind making it with Iggy Pop!
Vicki 136

I think younger women are attracted to older men for the same reasons any women are attracted to any men: it fulfills some aspect of whatever dating script they’re operating on.

If you have low self-esteem, and you seek outside yourself for approval and admiration, and an older guy will supply it (in many but not all cases). If you’re saddled with huge student loans and you want a sugar daddy to help you out, then there’s certainly a financial incentive to date an older man, although it’s probably harder to find a financially stable older guy since the financial crisis. A lot of baby boomers are really struggling, with underwater mortgages, etc, so the financial incentive is more fantasy than reality these days.

I think optimally, if you and your man are basically at a similar level of maturity (some people mature faster than others, and there are plenty of 25 year old “old souls” as well as 40 year old “babies”), you’ll click because you have a similar view of the world, regardless of your age gap.

Also, your parents, and your birth order, have something to do with this. If there is a big age gap with your parents’ marriage, you might be attracted to that situation in your own life as well. If you are the youngest and you have much older brothers, you are probably well socialized into their cohort, and you might relate better to guys their age than to guys your own age.

I have a lot of female friends in their 40s and 50s. Those with younger brothers, especially firstborn girls with younger brothers, seem to be a lot more comfortable dating younger guys. The ones who have married younger guys seem to pick guys 2 to 4 years younger on average. I don’t see a lot of big 10 year age gaps in my own social circle. I still think the giant age gap relationships are sort of rare, at least in the South/Midwest, where I live.
anon 137

I’m in love with a guy who is 16 years older. It just happened. Apart from him, I would not date a much older guy. If I were on a dating site I would automatically rule out all guys more than 5 years older than me. All my ex boyfriends were about the same age as me. This guy I love is not rich, just comfortably employed. I would love him even if he were broke; I would support him. He’s an amazing person to me, we have amazing chemistry and have known each other for a long time. I do worry what will happen further down the track, with the big age difference. But the heart wants what it wants, I can’t change it.
Beautasia 138

I can speak on my experiences honestly, I am seriously in love with a guy 13 years older than me,I am 23 and he is 36,although our relationship has not gotten really serious yet(we are still both youthful and not completely ready to settle down togehter yet, eventhough the feelings are still there,and we still have a special bond and a love for each other) to me the thirties are not that old. 40′s and up is considered old to me. I have messed with a few “old” dudes and I don’t normally go for older guys, but I realized that the few I did mess with had some kind of appeal to because they had their owns ways of being “youthful” whether it was how they looked, their sense of humor, if they liked to party and have fun etc. I’m a very intelligent girl, which is sometimes seen as “mature” since people tend to equate being young with being dumb, but I’m a very youthful chick, I still act and think like a young person does, and I love to have fun and joke around alot. I’m such a flirt and I have come in contact with alot of different guys, I have talked to old and young, there are some mature good young guys out there my age too. I do think there are some girls out there hwo have old souls, in my opinion they are a minority compared to the majority of young girls who think old men are creepy. Just the same as there are some men out there who like”morbidly obese fat women” but compared to the majority of guys that don’t; there are not that many, so I agree that it is more old men seeking younger women than it is younger women seeking older men. Fast forward to now I am currently talking to two “old” men one is a 53 year old firefighter with the perfect muscular body, he does not look a day over 35,no wrinkles or anything, he looks so damn handsome for his age that I must admit that I keep forgetting that he’s that old, he’s my exception eventhough I dont like guys in their 40′s.. and the other one is 47 but he looks 65 (talk about aging really badly), he’s my business partner, he’s teaching me what I need to know for the business that I’m just getting started in; which is one he knows the ins and outs to; which is great to me because I want to develop my career and make good money and I am quickly approaching the stage where my life is just starting; because basically I have not had a real life, not the life that I desire.. The issue with him is that he’s strongly attracted to me and I am not attracted to him at all, but he won’t stop being sexual with me because that’s how he feels around me, and I recently found out that he has played games with young girls my age to get them to have sex wit him, he did try to play a game on me, but I don’t fall for games because I talk to so many men; so I’m always 10 steps ahead of him, and that’s when I realized that this particular guy targets young women so he can play games and feel in control. So I cannot trust him at all. He seems to have a desperation, like he needs a strong connection with a woman, and since he’s divorced he seems to be looking for that in young girls (since he told me he thinks of me as a girlfriend, which doesn’t sound right since he acts really insecure around me, like he’s questioning me if I look at a guy and telling me that he can’t take me where a business meeting is because “there’s too many guys over there; that stuff pisses me off because in my mind in still single and I know in my heart that I don’t love him and that I cannot give him the love and committment that he wants,I’ve already told him that and he knew I was serious because he stopped answering my calls for awhile then he got upset when I stopped calling him) so I think he needs to be looking for the connection that he needs in an older woman; since there’s nothing youthful about him for him to be able to connect or relate to with a young chick like myself, and he’s aging super fast and the way he’s aging is making him look unattractive .(Like it or not looks are very important especially to young people).. So when it all boils down to it, the only reason I am still talking to him is because I still need his help, knowledge, and expertise in order to succeed and make good money in the business that I am just getting into, and I realize that I may have to have sex with him because he can’t seem to take no for an answer without forcing himself on me, the bottom line is Im just using him and it sounds harsh but it’s really not because he has lied to, played games with and hurt a lot of young girls my age just for his own sexual pleasure. But now he’s met his match, because he can’t play those same games on me that he does on them…
Ganzoo 139

If any of you were to take the time to read some evolutionary biology, or study the behavior of other primates, none of this would be a mystery at all. Almost all males of other species are attracted to younger healthy females, almost all females of other species are attracted to powerful, generally older males. It’s just nature.
igetit 140

I get it. The truth is that if you want to have an intelligent conversation without the ego and jobtalk, you can usually find it with an older man.

The older man has usually learned a thing or two about acceptance and would like someone who makes him feel young but at the same time, someone with whom he can discuss things.

A younger woman (one who is NOT interested in money, career, power, etc) may crave an older man because the men her age are SO into appearance, social climbing, and greed that they don’t care to find someone who can talk–just someone who can show up, look good, produce beautiful children, pass the family sniff test, and shut up until called on. A younger man often finds his worth in the ability to have a “wife-in-waiting” with nothing to do but spend her time in the salon and in the gym with her $200 workout clothes.

An older man usually finds that crap ridiculous and if they are attracted to, intrigued by, humored and humbled by a woman (no matter the age), find that awesome.

Women would like fun, intimacy, to be taken seriously, to have their humor appreciated, to have someone attracted to them without their appearance being everything–a woman who doesn’t care about status or the opinions of family and friends and just spends time with people she enjoys–that is someone who could fall in love with a MUCH older man
whatthelol 141

I didn’t have the time to read thru all the posts here but I will throw my hat in the ring so to speak. I think Vino made some comment abt. prostitution..?
Ummm yeah!? Truth is ppl have forgotten how to be who “they are” and be comfortable within themselves without someone else telling them what to think. Whomever dates whomever older guy younger woman/older woman younger guy, If your looking at the money, and if that is on either end then you just answered allot of questions about yourself, and who you are as a person didn’t you?! That’s called introspection, and motivaters regarding inner personal relationships with eachother.
My dad met my mother in 1952 on a crap job both of them hated. They’re was no expection of anything “grand” just that they cared and loved eachother. Going out was a treat, they’d split a burger and fries and thought it was the most important time of they’re exsistance together because it “wasn”t about where”, but whom they were with.

Money or status should never be 1st with anyone dating ANYONE regardless of age. Psyco babble aside, Oh she wants a daddy, oh he wants a mommy etc. No one should ever go into a relationship looking at financials. (setting criminals aside here! Don’t Be STUPID for God sake!) If you can’t manage you’re own financial situation then you shouldn’t be looking at someone else to do that for you should you?!

I relize thats an older hard line position, but untill you have a goal for yourself, “without the imput of media” Telling you what that is or should be? then you’re allways going to be the one trying to keep up with the Jone’s! They have this so I need that one better! it’s retarted thinking and clearly shows a lack of thought, and ones own identity in the spectrum of life.

No one “owns” anyone! And NO ONE is Promised Tomorrow! if a person brings Joy, contentment, and fulfillment into your life embrace it for as long as you have it… (that’s on both ends of the spectrum) But NEVER build a wall around anyone. It was free and easy when you met, and the parting should be just the same. weather you ride it all out together, or weather you part as you grow in seperate ways… WHO’s the judge of any of it?

Everyone allways looking at the picture but never seeing the trees. From experiece? yeah I dated a girl much younger, in retrospect even I didn’t know what I wanted in a relationship, I thought I wanted marrage, and children, I was 31 she was 18… We were both just caught up! I learned allot about myself as did she. and we’re still friends, and still remember the wonderful times we had together.

We wrote a chapter in the scrapbook of our exsistance in this world together. Some wonderful, some bittersweet… But it was worth it all if only for the memory’s and the finding of ourselves without any drama or bitterness. It was just a chapter in this strange and wonderful sometimes painful thing called life. So I can’t make a judgement call on others, nor do I want too. I believe that every stage we all have to account for… For our OWN motives weather selfish, or noble.

So judge yourselves on the issue…
Colin 142

Very small-minded article and (for the most part) posts on this. I am a divorced 43 year old man currently dating a 26 year old woman. It is the best relationship I have had in my entire life and she feels the same way.

I am a professional, but by no means rich. She is a professional too. She makes less money than me but not by a huge margin. Perhaps there are some exceptions to our relationship, in that I am very very youthful for my age physically. I am in perfect health and as virile as I ever was.  I do not have children neither.

Having said all this, I will tell all of you naysayers why a relationship like this can and does work.  A man of my age and wisdom simply knows how to appreciate a young lady. 25, 30, 35 year old men either do not, or often (usually) go the opposite direction and give a woman way too much control. I don’t care how much money or testosterone a 30 year old man has–he simply cannot compete with me. I understand woman 10 times better. I am older, wiser, more focused on my life and my woman. I also know how to be in control, without being controlling. At 43, I am all MAN and all the BOY is long gone.

The article makes conventient use of stereotyping. What about character? A young woman wants me, and so she has “Daddy issues”? What about the possibility that I am exceptional, and that time has made me wiser, gentler, and even more exceptional and even attractive?
hum 143

Im old, almost 40, probably richer than most 40 somethings, certainly much wealthier than when I was 20 or 30, married almost 20 years, I think you get tired of dreading your spouse who constantly berates you, always having to initiate sex or intamacy, recivieing insults daily, So, when a 20 something, who is nice, and pretty and fit, comes along, wh is energetic and positive (about you) they are vry attractive. What do I have to offer, I am not sure, I am considered to be very handsome, but I am not 20 and am not fit, I have money, I travel, I can spend 200 on a meal and not think about it or expect anything in return, I would have no expectations from a 20 something year old just kindness. I don’t know about the stage in life thing it would bother me, I had allot of great expereinces with my wife in the 20s and most of the 30′s I would want a 20 year old women to be able to enjoy falling in love, and building something together, but sometimes the romantic notion of building something together is just that a struggle, some times its shit, sometimes the age appropriate spouse or older spouse is just an ass. So, maybe as an older + Younger women its just different expereinces, I don’t know. I don’t think its akin to prostitution, plenty of 20 year old women marry-date 20 year old men who they feel can take care of them, the only difference is the 20 year old with the 40 year old rich guy is a little more attune to financial reality. I am not really sure why I seem to be able to attract women 20-30 but I think being better looking, and richer certainly is relevant, in terms of sexual prowess, I think its silly to assume any 20 year old will be superior to a 40 year old, I was better at 20 than at 40, but the fact is not every 20 year old is physically endowed either in terms of stanima or orther wise. Also women hit thier mid thirties and think it makes them younger to lop off thier hair, short hair rarley looks good on any women, it might make you look younger just younger and ugly.
Mike S 144

I just turned 49 and I date young women because a couple of factors.
1. Most women in my age are married or they may be single or divorce and with kids and they are just not interested in starting a relationship. I also guess they are dealing with menopause so they withdraw from the dating scene. So that eliminates a good 90% of the women in my age range out of the dating pool. That leaves slim pickings for me.
2. The biggest available pool of single women that I can find is women in their 20s and early 30s. So just by sheer numbers the chances that I can find a match in this age range is much greater.
3. For some unexplainable reason to me it just happens that young women (in their 20s and 30s) are attracted to me. I don’t get it. I do look younger than my age but they want to continue dating even after I tell them my age.

Hey, I find it exciting and fun to date young girls but I also find it a bit embarrassing. This is especially so when I start to meet her friends and even worst when it comes time to meet her parents. My older married guys think it is great and they wish they were in my shoes but it is not that easy.

There have a few of girls that I’ve dated that I really fell in love with. Girls I actually thought that I could marry. But eventually I get in this relationship-destructive pattern of doing age number calculations combined with my desire for her to be happy for a long time. So I eventually end the relationship out my love for her with the hope that she meets someone her age that will make her really happy for a long time.

In the meantime I continue my search for someone close to my age that is available and fun. I suppose I could date Jennifer Anniston. She is available but unfortunately but she is also way out of my league.
Lady Helena 145

I’m 18…and I find myself strangley attracted to guys in their 30′s…or late twenties…I just love their charm. they speak well, they move nicely… I like them!
People say that It’s because of “Daddy issues”. Well…My dad hadn’t really been around much… that might say a lot…
Rand 146

#71 & #72 — Many folks will likely understand and empathize with Kat’s own experience, but it seems quite a stretch to assumed that most couples with a similar age difference would experience the same problems. First of all, for a man to have debilitating health issues in his early 50s is surely not the norm. When I was in my early 50s, I ran 10k races and marathons and often finished in front of guys 10-20 years younger. I’m now 70 and I’m still very active in running and sports and am healthy as a horse. I think it has more to do with how one takes care of their health and their body. Also, a positive bright mental outlook goes a long way. Nowadays, a lot of folks in their 60s and 70s feel and act as if they were 20 years younger. Most of all, I think it is quite sad that (like Kat) a lot of Americans today seem to view older people as an embarrassment. In other societies the elderly are much more respected. My grandfather married my grandmother when she was 18 and he was 42. My grandfather had no sperm problems — they had 12 children who all turned out well. Nearly all of them attended university and had professional careers. Also, my father told me he never knew of his parents ever having harsh words with each other. The image portrayed by Kat seems to closely match the popular (but inaccurate) stereotype many American have about age difference in a relationship. Fortunately, it is far from reality based on all my experience and on that of many other folks I have known. Stereotyping doesn’t benefit anyone.
Rand 147

Helen (#94) —
Helen’s view of age difference in a relationship strikes me as very healthy, wholesome and (most of all) realistic.
Sugardaddyhahaha 148

Blahblahblahblah…Who cares if you are 10, 20 or 30 years older or younger. Sugardaddy, armcandy prostitution, issues…whatever you call it, ENJOY IT!!! while it last if you have the means or the chance or fell in love.
Janet 149

I just recently became involved with a 74 year old man. I’m 57 and he has rocked my world sexually. This man cooked me dinner, cleaned the kitchen, enjoyed conversation and danced with me. Then he showed me how to “Make Love”. I can say this, you can have sex in the back seat of a car or in bed with any man. But it’s just sex. An older man will “Make Love” to you and rock your world.

74 and he is the Best!!! I never knew I was capable of having so many orgasms in one night. No pills, no drugs…. Just Making Love.

I now know what it feels like to be a Woman. Made love to and treated like a Lady at all times.
Peter 150

I monitor this website to get perspectives on exactly this subject so here goes. I hope people are still reading. Assuming anyone reads other people’s material. Flame on!

@Ganzoo 139. You are right. It’s biology. Here comes a lengthy expansion of your point.

Female Gorillas join the harem of silverback males. Sexually mature male gorillas do not become silverbacks immediately. They spend mateless years apart from the occasionally stolen ONS (punishable by death if discovered so not common) until they build the physical and social strength to attract females. In wolves the young males stay in the pack but the cheating females get killed for ONS’s as only the top female gets to mate, usually with the top male. (hunting is dangerous, focus the resources on one set of cubs).

Human males start to develop grey hair (i.e. silverback) in their late 20′s. A Roman aristocratic male got his toga at 16 but he was not considered fully adult until 30. His 16 year old sister was a woman. Ages at marriage reflected this.

15 year age difference may have been the standard throughout most of human existence. Many Australian Aborigines still practice this. The young girls are assigned to old men. (Assigned to prevent inbreeding in small groups – most of our history). The young men are assigned to older widows to keep them out of the way. More experienced male = more food = more babies. More experienced male = more status = more priviledges (sic) and respect for the female. Story telling counts as well as hunting.

A study I read long ago that sought to explain the economic rise of 14th Century medieval England found that following the Black Death, in the East of England, marriage patterns changed from young women marrying at 16 or 17 to 21 or 22 year old men to young women of 20-25 marrying men from 28 to 35. Spinsters are over 21 year olds still spinning wool. Husbandmen have their own land as owners or sharecroppers they are not 21 year olds entering adulthood. Before the Black Death there was overpopulation and little variation in male success so choice of man didn’t matter much. After the Black Death there was room for the men to prove themselves economically and socially. Aristocrats sometimes married at 12 and 14. The age of their spouse was not a consideration. In towns, the 21 year old journeyman who has just qualified might get to marry the master’s 14 year old daughter but usually he has to become a master himself and marry her when she finishes her indentures as a servant at 18 to 20. (Everybody had servants. In Medieval times they dealt with stroppy teenagers by exchanging them as servants with someone else). Observe, that in Medieval times a degree of chastity was expected of both sexes. Post Black Death morals were said to decline. When men are equal a woman might as well be monogamous. When they are unequal women will trade up (status not money – that wandering minstrel sings so well) when they can.
.
This one is on the internet somewhere. In the 17th Century, the Sami (Lapps) of Northern Finland were still hunter gatherers but christians. So their family lives were recorded in Parish registers. The men were generally at least 10 years older than the women. The most successful marriages (largest number of children surviving to adulthood) had a 15 year age difference.

Jane Austen readers will recall that Mr Darcy was already a man and held Jane in his arms when she was a baby.

So why do Anglo Europeans now have 2 year age differences as standard? This happened before contraception kicked in. I suggest (and now it is my opinion not research) the following.

Amongst the skilled working classes, sometime in the 19th Century, young men could afford marriage. (This may be breaking down). At the same time,

Since the 1880′s there has been universal compulsory education. This has confined young people’s social horizons to their immediate peer groups more strongly than in the past. I remember when I finally started work, how strange I found all these old people that I had to mix with. Somebody from the 18th Century would have found an age segregated group strange. You lived in your village or urban parish with everyone.

Ideas of romantic love were spread to all the vicarages of England by dangerous social agitators like Jane Austen. Thus “Chemistry” became seen as rational. If you are confined to an age group your first chemical experience may well be with a peer.

The First World War killed off the men. Rather than marry a settled, moderately older man, young women started to marry younger men while they were still available.

So, I suggest that a man 15 years older has been the appropriate difference for marriage over at least 30,000 years (since we developed imaginations). Oh, and many women like to see grey hair. Cougarism is not out of the question – Aborigines, Merry Widows of medieval times who had inherited their husband’s property or trade. Few remarried but pregnancies were not unknown. “Widdowson” and so forth.

So for a young woman looking for marriage to raise children, a man 15 years older is only a problem because of cultural stereotypes. Of course, thanks to condoms, the contraceptive pill and abortion young women no longer seek marriage to raise children. The disciplines of chastity are no longer acceptable. One Night Stand thinking takes over and divorce must be invented.

It is often quoted on the internet that the formula, 7 years plus oldest partner’s age divided by 2 gives the lowest workable age for the youngest partner. So a 15 year old girl and a 16 year old boy are at extremes. A 18 year old girl shouldn’t look at a man older than 22. A 21 year old woman, the traditional age of adulthood should consider a man up to 28. About what happened in Medieval England. As in so many things, medieval people had their social relations about right. We are paying a big price for The Enlightenment. I believe that the formula was first proposed by a German psychologist but I have never traced it exactly.

@Henry 73. I’m 60. No pump or viagra needed but I find natural testosterone from working out definitely helps. There are men who start collapsing at 45 from drink, alcohol, stress, illness, diabetes, cigarettes, obesity. A lot of women drop off the radar at the same time too. I don’t think that we are discussing either group here.

@ Kat. Men’s output and quality of sperm declines at about 2% a year as they age from 20. Women, for all essential purposes do not age from 18 to 35 ish. Their fertility and quality of eggs then deteriorate at about 1% a MONTH. Cross over is about 42. Until then woman are reproductively more valuable than men of the same age. After that men are reproductively more valuable than women. In Western Europe the mid 40′s is also the point at which the population of women exceeds that of men (men die faster). In the US the crossover is about 35 as there are more homicides, accidents and drug deaths in the US underclass.

@ Michael 95. Outside Islam, most divorces are filed by women (60-80% depending on country). A man with an unsatisfactory woman looks for an additional woman to fill the gaps. A woman with an unsatisfactory man seeks to replace him. Hence many misunderstandings.

The ratio of gonad weight to body weight in male humans suggests that men have evolved to have harems of 1.6 females.

Genetic analysis suggests that 80% of all women who have ever lived have reproduced. Only 40% of men have reproduced.

As we know, low status men are invisible to women.

I suggest that it has been normal since the times of Homo Erectus to the Paleolithic revolution (30 000 years ago) that the better quality men had two women. An older one acquired early on while the man was of relatively low status and another younger more fertile one acquired when he had the status (there was no money in the paleolithic – status was a skill, including art/music, toolmaking, hunting, leadership, physical strenght) to attract one. So, at the biological level, a previous marriage and previous success rearing children should be incentives for younger women to desire an older man not a turn off. This is definitely my real world experience both as a young man and as an old man of 60. I did not separate from my wife until my children were fully grown.
Peter 151

@ Cosmo 131. Why do women of a certain age who are focussed on younger men become so insulting about older men doing the same with younger women? I am a Paedophile if I date a 45 year old? It doesn’t mean much for an older woman to bag a younger man. Women control sex. A man has to prove something to a woman to get sex. A woman just allows a man access. Allowing one of the 80% of younger men ignored by women their own age into your bed is not a huge achievement.

My long estranged wife is six years older than me. Age was never an issue between us, although I now wonder why she didn’t marry someone older and more established. (After a shaky start, I was way ahead of the career curve but even so …). My girlfriend is 24 years younger than me. I met my girlfriend six years ago. She was an estate agent/realtor who found me flats to rent in the Russian city where I have my business. We became friends and I started to stay with her, sleeping on the divan while we both sought more “age appropriate” people. One day over breakfast we just looked at each other and realised that we could stop seeking.

Shortly afterwards we were in a elegant coffee shop (they all are in Russia. Starbucks they are not) talking and looking very intently at each others eyes, I guess for 20 minutes. I finally broke off to get another cup of coffee and noticed how quiet the coffee shop was around us. I talk Russian but loudly in a severe accent; I attract attention so I think did the disparity of our ages. On the one table next to us were 5 ladies in their mid to late 40′s who had mostly given up on fashion. On the other table were 3 late 20′s high maintenance young women with the obligatory 75 cm heels. The eyes of the late 40′s women were firing laser beams to kill me. Ideas about despoiler of young Russian virgins, deceitful abuser of mail order brides et al could have fitted their facial expressions. I felt all the Russian TV stereotypes about the motives of Westerners heading at me. The 3 younger women were gazing in what appeared to be admiration at my girlfriend as if she had won the lottery. Quite the opposite set of stereotypes. So in line with the thread, there are plenty of younger women who do find a minority of much older men attractive. Status I think. Actually, compared to my youth, I find I need do no more than point to a younger woman and there is a conversation taking place instead of the disdainful sneer that I would have received at 25. I think the man has to be fit and healthy. He should be seen as successful in some way. Average older men have had a long time to prove themselves. If they have not achieved recognizable success they are dead meat. Most young men start with low status and build it up, jocks and creatives apart (girlfriend’s little sister dates a penniless lead singer in a Death Metal band). I guess that men of average status are probably at top desirability around 30-40. Even so, women probably only consider the top 25% of these men as desirable. The older men get, the smaller the proportion who are desirable but the ones who remain desirable become very desirable as they have proved themselves over decades. This is good genetic material. Let’s have your sons! Young men have unproven potential or perhaps good bodies.

My girlfriend saw my needs as a visitor to her city and set up a business offering flats on short (by the day) rental. Being a tough Russian, she got started by moving into a hostel with her child and letting her own flat to build up a clientele to prove to the bank it was worth lending her the money. She now owns at least 6 properties and is fast closing the wealth gap with me (at least for a few more months until my big deal matures). I didn’t help her. She doesn’t speak English and has no wish to leave Russia but would like to send her son to boarding school in the UK. So neither money nor a visa is driving her attraction for me. She is tall, a clever lawyer and richer than 95% of the men in the city. These are all disadvantages for a woman so her choices are limited. I am taller, cleverer (without false modesty) and might again become richer. Does this compensate for 24 years? Before we clicked we had already noticed an almost total overlap of shared interests and ideas ranging from ideas of women’s fashion to Sci Fi movies. We do household management together as if by instinct. When we quarrel we both let go completely, express ourselves and 5 minutes later we are good friends. You can see the relief in her eyes about expressing herself. My wife always avoided any form of confrontation. I found it a cold death many times over. A quarrel is a great tool to keep a relationship good. Both learning assertiveness might be even better. Maybe these things about living together aren’t trivial?

I am not hostile to approaches from Evan’s clients of a certain age (I don’t mean Balzac age). My route hasn’t taken me there and the examples I’ve encountered have put up more barriers than offers. (Like slapping me and leaving me at the airport without explanation with two tickets to California in my pocket. That woman was 11 years younger than me. Hardly worth noticing at 43 and 54).

G/f does new hair colour every 6 weeks, killer heels, micro-skirts in the latest colours and style. She’s definitely just a trophy. (OK she’s not just a trophy but I’m not knocking the trophy bit. I feel two inches taller when we both have our kit on. I have to – those heels). I’m here gathering insights on age difference relationships to decide about marriage, moving to Russia and setting up business together (real estate isn’t exactly hard stressful work.). I think that I would be just as happy with a clever 58 year old in good trim who was not counting the days to retirement. So why make it so hard for men to approach? Why offer so little? Who is buying and who is selling changes after 35.

Sorry Evan for such a long flame. It’s why I am here. I hope it’s a contribution. Even my g/f sees no tall, rich, fit and healthy, baggage free but not an eternal batchelor 40 year old. My closest real competitor was a decent, tall (as in stringy), computer programmer (steady unexciting job), never married without many outside interests, of 38 desperate to take up rock music, art or whatever she wanted from him. I couldn’t see anything wrong with him. He will be a great Dad if he gets the chance. Told her several times. I suspect that a lot of your clients know him. She told me about her Art teacher, 61, a lonely widow, several times too. Nothing wrong with her either. Flame off.
Peter 152

I don’t think my girlfriend are “In love”, as I was with California air tickets. i think that we are in mutual awe of each other. I am as much a trophy to validate her as she is to validate me. That’s not bad. The future’s about building processes to solve problems together not preserving one moment in time forever.
Ray 153

Anybody with an negative opinion is just jealous because they don’t have that type of loving relationship…
Dave P. Jones 154

You ignore some basic facts — There is a young girl or more for every older guy who has 1/2 a brain. Why?
1. Many men wash out, or are in prison before age 21. A total of 2.3million in prison at last count! and how many devoid of any intellect is probably ten times that number!
2. Boys/men are being short changed in our public education system, with male achievement rates falling like a rock due to having all education geared to females (its a fact, educate yourself if you are ignorant of this)
3. Prevalence and acceptance of single parent families (single mothers) raise female children who are looking for a father figure for the rest of their adult lives!
4, 5, and 6. Women are looking for “MATERIAL” and a thus husband/partner that can support a family. OLDER men have had more time to accumulate WEALTH! In modern economic times one income does not cut it! Women have evolved to be MATERIALISTIC, in order to raise children, that is a fact!
Ellen 155

Dave wrote without thinking obviously: 2. Boys/men are being short changed in our public education system, with male achievement rates falling like a rock due to having all education geared to females (its a fact, educate yourself if you are ignorant of this).

That’s utter BS.

Male achievement is falling due to the prevailing culture which emphasizes having fun over preparing for the future. A culture which emphasizes facts in a vacuum, not 1. knowledge, 2. the ability to analyze correctly, 3. wisdom. A culture pretty antithetical to ideas and intellectualism when you get right down to it.

Despite outward appearances, comfort and conveniences, the endless “bread and circuses” of our culture, it’s never been harder to secure some sort of decent financial future imo. Parents of said boys need to wake up imo. NOT blame educational policies that focus on getting girls to open up more in class.

If you are so concerned about it, push for single sex education (a separation of boys and girls in primary and secondary schools). A VERY good case can be argued for it although when a teen I dated some Citadel cadets and let me tell you I found guys that went to all-male colleges a bit strange back then as they seemed to suffer in a variety of ways from the quotidian proximity of women imo.
Ellen 156

meant to say:

“ from the LACK of a quotidian proximity to women imo”

Peter #150- your treatise was fascinating, but the amount of fact checking that would be involved makes my head spin.

PS re age differences there are two things to consider: true soul connections conform to no age restrictions, but worldly, practical considerations are important. My first cousin recently lost her ten-years older husband to cancer so must now face late middle age alone- for probably another 10-20 years! (she is 70 but all the women in my family live to 90 or so or more routinely). That would give me pause. Also more and more studies point to flawed sperm as men age which ups the risk of autism and other ailments and disorders. But there is NO black or white answer or solution to this…
justme 157

Whenever someone starts equating societal problems with the prevalence and acceptance of single parent households, typically, singlem mothers; I ALWAYS wonder who they think causes this issue? I know someone women choose to be a single mom from the get go. But a lot of single moms are single because the dad walked away and hasn’t looked back. And yet it is those pesky single moms – the ones who are doing the work of two people in both working to provide and manage a household, the ones doing their best to balance wiping tears and make that deadline, that we think are the problem. Single parents, male and female, have it pretty tough – no need to dump more on them.
Zippy 158

The author’s matter-of-fact tone notwithstanding, the disparity between his views on the obverse issues of older-women/younger men and older men/younger women suggests that his fundamental intent to is reassure his target audience of older – rather than to actually tell those women the truth.

Well, here is the truth, which everyone has known for years: women have the advantage over men when they are young. When they get old, they lose that advantage forever.
T 159

I am 27 and fell head over heels for a 54 year old man. He’s no longer in my life, but he was the greatest man I’ve ever known. I now know what it feels like to have found “the one”. Too bad I found that out after I lost him.
Sim 160

When did old men start being better in bed!!! LOl maybe better at sleeping in bed
Muchbetter45 161

65 is old, 70 is old! When did 45 become old? Did I miss something here? I stiil have to work another 20yrs before I could think of retirement! Society teaches us that younger is better. Really? I look better than most guys in there thirties. In my case I’ve always dated women much younger than me. I don’t go looking for it, they just seem to be attracted to me. I never lie about my age, I’ve never met a woman that had an issue with it. I’ve read most of the comments here and I don’t understand why people in there early 20′s make seem like over 40 is a bad choice.
Let’s do the math, if you’re really looking for a relationship let’s say your 25-28 which would you rather have.
1.-15yrs with multiple guys your age and have nothing to show for except maybe sex. Because at 25-35 very few guys want to settle down. Now 15 years has gone by and you’re now 40+ guess what? The guys at your age are looking for someone younger, let say 30-35 now what?
2.-If you dated older (keyword OLDER not old) man, he’s more likely to offer you the attention, conversation, intelligence, commitment and security you’re looking for anyway.
Don’t get me worry some older guys do look terrible for there age but too say it’s just not possible or wrong is a unfair statement. If you really love someone who cares.
As far as sex is concern, my sex drive is the same as when I was much younger. Every younger women I’ve been with tells me I can out last any younger guy she’s been with. I recently met a 22yr woman, she has fallen in love with me, she has no father role insecurities but just the fact that I treat her like a woman. I made it my business to explain our age differences but to her age has nothing to do with love.
Everyone gets old, that being said, it’s no reason for society to treat older people as though they’re useless. My uncle is 82 his wife is in for 40′s and let me tell you this man looks amazing. Providing your in good health to do exercise you should no problems maintaining an active life style until you’re in your mid 60′s.
P.S. I’ve dated women my age, let me tell you in one word…..Boring!
Brooke Norton 162

Hey Evan,

I’m still trying to figure out why a female in her 20′s would pop in 600ccs of fake boob, pose nude for playboy, and then hang out in the grotto with Heff! Seriously, is there a point to having the body that most men consider perfection and then using it to attract a man in his mid eighties? If you answered yes, then you’ve answered your own question about women dating older men. As a single female in my late thirties, I’ve seen many of my female friends cash in their single status for a “stable” relationship. Yes, they go for a man with stability, which is a polite way of suggesting that many women pair up with men who have money. We all know there is no such thing as a stable relationship at any age. I’m being a bit cynical, but all relationships take major work on the part of both parties, assuming there are only two people in any such relationship, but I digress…Yes, our society has changed: women have more opportunities, we don’t all want a marriage or children, and we are no longer relegated to these options. Having said that, many women feel their youth is circling the drain around age thirty, and therefore, they are more than willing to settle and marry the highest bidder: and this simply means, that in practice, money matters far more than age. You may think this notion is archaic, and I happen to agree with you. Still, I’m only being real.
Brooke Norton 163

…and in response to Zippy: by the time I’ve lost my advantage forever, you’ll be combing the last 3 hairs over your head and crushing up Viagra, snorting it like cocaine, and looking about as hot as Donald Trump (minus the money). By the time I’ve lost my female advantage forever, your bedtime companions will no doubt call the county coroner every time you have a hard-on, as they’ll no doubt mistake your erection for rigor mortis. Peace Zippy!
Debrah 164

I am married to a 93 year old man, who is charming and understanding and very wise and alert; I married him because he was the only one who understood what I was dealing at that time and he opened up his heart and his pocket book to me when I needed it: although we are going through a divorce now, I know it is not because of what he wanted but the pressure he had received from his grown kids that’s 69 & 70 years of age; he has had a problem with standing up to them, and has now decided to choose his family over me; this was a short lived marriage of 2 months, however we were boyfriend and girlfriend for 8 months before we married, and I will always love him no matter what, we had more in common then any man I have ever known, and my age is 46 years old; I just wanted to give back what he gave to me which was love and understanding; I hope he lives another 10 years or more…he is very healthy with no health problems and he takes no medication, gets around super, still drives, etc. we could never get past the judgement of our age and color, he’s white and I am black; that’s sad.
ilya 165

What about when older means 10yrs but ones 20 & ones 30? The Reasons change a 20 yr old male is a boy a 30 yr old male is a man, blah blah
ASD 166

OKAY ALL I WANT TO SAY IS I AM A 28 YEAR OLD FEMALE…AND I HAVE A 28 YEAR OLD BOYFRIEND. i AM 28 AND I GO FOR A 28 YEAR OLD! Sorry i just want to grow old together and experience life together with someone with out kids or baggage….we are the same age and he asked me to marry him, and the date is set for next year when we are both 29!

Why cant it be simple like this…why do some men or women make life harder on them selfs….me and my partner plan on having healthy children together and raising them, retiring and growing old together…at my church i see couples married for 50 years – cause the are the same age give or take a little, but it happens alot, why can’t people have morals and values…you men had your chance when you were 35…its over now, just likes over for women your fertility years drop too, i think older men are gross – i was born in the 80s not the dam 40s or 50s or 60s!

I am happy with my love life….and so is my parnter we are equal in our relationship…we met in college, just like prince william did kate! (oh yea same age shes just 6 months older) no biggy
Karl R 167

ASD said: (#166)
“we are the same age and he asked me to marry him,”
“Why cant it be simple like this…”
“we are equal in our relationship…we met in college,”

It is simple … if you’re in college, surrounded by hundreds (or thousands) of men/women within a year of your age.

Once you leave college, it becomes very difficult. How many of your coworkers are that close to your age, and single, and good potential partners for you, and whom consider you to be a good potential partner. (And that’s assuming that you’ll date where you work … which can be highly problematic if you try.)

Repeat that process for your church, your gym, etc. You no longer know hundreds of people your age. You might know a few dozen. Maybe a handful seem like good prospects. After you’ve dated those few people (and it didn’t work out), what would you recommend trying next?

One easy way to broaden your dating pool is to expand the age range you’re willing to date.

ASD said: (#166)
“why can’t people have morals and values…”

This is about practicality, not morality.

And please explain to me how it’s immoral for me to have a fiancée who is significantly older than me.
njnyhc 168

I’m 43 and I just called it quits with a 26 year old woman after a few dates. Why? It wasn’t for lack of attraction. There was MAJOR attraction. It was for MORAL reasons. On date #3 she mentioned in passing that she would like to get married and have a family some day. (She wasn’t a freak about it. She was just being honest.) Well, I’m 43 and divorced (no kids) and I DO NOT plan on getting married and having kids at this point. Hence . . . it’s not right for me to carry on with her.

This woman is not a ‘notch on the belt’ kind of girl. She’s a KEEPER. She is super nice, super nurturing (you can tell these things as you get older and super attractive. Knowing that we have very different plans about life, it would not be right for be to become involved with her. And even if SHE doesn’t know this or understand this, I DO. I have more experience with relationships and life in general. That puts the onus on me. Therefore, it’s up to me to make the right decision.

I look at it this way: if she were to take me for a joyride and dump me, I’d get over it. I’ve been through way worse. This isn’t my first time at the rodeo. My ex-wife is a jerk, my last girlfriend belongs on a ward, and there were some other doozies along the way. (There were a lot of good ones too.) Unless she were to give me a disease or get pregnant, I have enough emotional scar tissue to deal with getting dumped and would probably get over it quickly. BUT there is WAY more chance of damage on her end. Why do I believe this? I don’t know. I just have a gut feeling.

I don’t know if anything I’m saying is accurate. But the fact that I believe it is enough for me. This is a really nice woman, and I’m just not the guy to give her what she wants. Hell, she doesn’t even KNOW that she wants what she wants!! But I CAN SEE IT. it’s written all over her.

I think it was very important for me to break this off before sex. Sex leads to attachment. I learned long ago that there really is no such thing as ‘casual sex.’ One person always cares more and gets hurt, or both people wind up in a relationship that they really shouldn’t be in. Sex is the PRIMARY way that adult human beings form attachments. It’s EVOLUTION. Barring sociopathy, it’s the way we’re built. SEX CHANGES EVERYTHING. Don’t kid yourselves that it doesn’t. If I were to have a sexual relationship with this woman, a ‘relationship’ would develop. And like I said, she’s not the kind of girl you have on the side. She’s major RELATIONSHIP material. A relationship with me would probably do her far more harm than good. If anything, I’d be more valuable to her as a friend.

I will add that I don’t generally pursue younger women. I knew this particular woman before I asked her out. But I find myself walking away from much younger woman scenarios more frequently than not. Without being immodest or arrogant (really), I’m a very attractive guy. I’m 5′/11′, blue eyes, dark complexioned, ‘salt and pepper’ hair, in VERY good shape (not just for my age), I’m extremely polite, well read, articulate, and treat women as equals. I have a very good job and I’m also a musician in a fairly popular band that plays overseas occasionally to big crowds. So there is NO shortage of younger women in my situation. Plus I have a lot of tattoos, I’m pretty fashionable (call it a weakness) and I don’t act like an old fart and probably know more about contemporary music and art and technology than any 20 year old. Basically, I have a ‘Bad Boy’ look but I’m not really a Bad Boy . . . and that REALLY attracts a lot of women. But I find myself not able to take the much-younger-woman route. It just doesn’t sit right with me. I have friends with daughters their age!! So . . . this was an a-typical experience for me. But it was a good experience nonetheless. I learned a lot about myself because of it. What I learned mostly is that doing the right thing can be a lonely business . . . but the right thing is the right thing. Call me old-school . . .

I will say though . . . I would have MURDERED someone to be with a woman like this when I was in my 20′s. But I was a moron back then, so I probably would have screwed it up
* 169

“An older man’s going to be the strong, nurturing guy who takes care of her, teaches her, and treats her like a princess – the kind of relationship that she probably lacked growing up.”

Or exactly the kind of relationship she had growing up, and wants to recapture as an adult. Turns out that an older man may not want to take on that role.

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Why Would a Younger Woman Want to Date a Much Older Man?

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