Comments on: Why Would a Younger Woman Want to Date a Much Older Man? http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/ Wed, 10 Mar 2010 00:05:30 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 hourly 1 By: Jayde http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/comment-page-3/#comment-55452 Jayde Thu, 21 Jan 2010 06:39:41 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/#comment-55452 I'm 29 and my partner is 45.  Before him I hadn't dated anyone more than 4 years older/younger than me, although in hindsight I realized that I've always been more attracted to older men.  This is, by far, the best relationship I have ever had in every aspect - especially the physical!!  We have many, many common interests and values. More importantly we have many common personality traits, so we understand each other and communicate very well.  There's a level of respect with him that I've never been able to find with men my own age.    I agree that in most cases, being at different life stages and one partner having more experience would be a major issue.  We've found that in our particular case it doesn't come into play at all.  Financially we're at the same point in our lives (both coming out of divorces with similar incomes and assets) so this isn't a factor either. Another huge bonus is that he already has children and isn't interested in more.  For a woman who has never wanted children of her own, this is a perfect scenario!  I've found  that the role of stepmother suits me just fine. So what's my point?  I agree that the "rule" is likely that a woman going for an older man has ulterior motives.  I just wanted to point out - as others already have - that sometimes the atrraction is genuine and the relationship just works. Not to say that it's all roses.  While he's still fit and active, he does have some health concerns that could get in the way if we let them.  As BeenThere alluded to in #119 - we'd rather enjoy a few fantastic years together experiencing real love than never experience that connection at all. I’m 29 and my partner is 45.  Before him I hadn’t dated anyone more than 4 years older/younger than me, although in hindsight I realized that I’ve always been more attracted to older men. 

This is, by far, the best relationship I have ever had in every aspect - especially the physical!!  We have many, many common interests and values. More importantly we have many common personality traits, so we understand each other and communicate very well.  There’s a level of respect with him that I’ve never been able to find with men my own age.   

I agree that in most cases, being at different life stages and one partner having more experience would be a major issue.  We’ve found that in our particular case it doesn’t come into play at all.  Financially we’re at the same point in our lives (both coming out of divorces with similar incomes and assets) so this isn’t a factor either.

Another huge bonus is that he already has children and isn’t interested in more.  For a woman who has never wanted children of her own, this is a perfect scenario!  I’ve found  that the role of stepmother suits me just fine.

So what’s my point?  I agree that the “rule” is likely that a woman going for an older man has ulterior motives.  I just wanted to point out – as others already have – that sometimes the atrraction is genuine and the relationship just works.

Not to say that it’s all roses.  While he’s still fit and active, he does have some health concerns that could get in the way if we let them.  As BeenThere alluded to in #119 – we’d rather enjoy a few fantastic years together experiencing real love than never experience that connection at all.

]]> By: Danielle http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/comment-page-3/#comment-54588 Danielle Mon, 04 Jan 2010 03:51:15 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/#comment-54588 There's a group that seems to be left out of the responses.  There are a few women like me that have already started and finished their families and do not want to start over again.   I foolishly married my high school sweetheart and got divorced 9 years later.  That means I'm 29 and a mother to a 3 year old and 5 year old.  Quite frankly I have no desire to repeat the sleepless nights or slowdown the expansion of my business as another child would require.  Obviously this clashes with the desires of the men since most have never married or had children.   This makes  men forty and over match better for me.   Many have already had their children and are not looking to expand their families.  They understand the occasional canceling of a date due to a child's sickness. These men are already stable in their careers and more understanding of the time commitments I have. I have an amazing father and my grandfather lived next door to me growing up.  I definitely don't have "Daddy" issues. I will admit that the majority of men in their 40s treat me better than those in their 30s.  However when did it become a bad thing for a man to open doors, pay for dates, etc?  These men have had relationships and know how to make them work.  They know foreplay begins at the start of the date and continues on so that by the time sex actually starts its much better and more satisfying than with a younger man. Sadly, I feel that I have more in common with men that are in their late/early 40s then men my age. There’s a group that seems to be left out of the responses.  There are a few women like me that have already started and finished their families and do not want to start over again.   I foolishly married my high school sweetheart and got divorced 9 years later.  That means I’m 29 and a mother to a 3 year old and 5 year old.  Quite frankly I have no desire to repeat the sleepless nights or slowdown the expansion of my business as another child would require.  Obviously this clashes with the desires of the men since most have never married or had children.
 
This makes  men forty and over match better for me.   Many have already had their children and are not looking to expand their families.  They understand the occasional canceling of a date due to a child’s sickness. These men are already stable in their careers and more understanding of the time commitments I have.
I have an amazing father and my grandfather lived next door to me growing up.  I definitely don’t have “Daddy” issues. I will admit that the majority of men in their 40s treat me better than those in their 30s.  However when did it become a bad thing for a man to open doors, pay for dates, etc?  These men have had relationships and know how to make them work.  They know foreplay begins at the start of the date and continues on so that by the time sex actually starts its much better and more satisfying than with a younger man.
Sadly, I feel that I have more in common with men that are in their late/early 40s then men my age.

]]> By: Taylor http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/comment-page-3/#comment-54484 Taylor Sat, 02 Jan 2010 06:30:46 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/#comment-54484 I was 17 , only just 17 and I dated a man 13 years my senior. It was chemistry like never before. Not so much physical. Whether this sounds conceited or not the fact is I am a very attractive woman and although his appearance grew on me a great deal at first I did not find him physically attractive.  Obese , glasses , facial hair and far from a clean cut style . He didn't know how old I was when we were introduced at a "party" of 5 in his recording studio. I've looked the same since I was 15 and usually get 22 as a guess from the time I was 15 onwards. I told him that same night how old I was and he said infront of the guests , if I were younger we would be soul mates. That was Saturday , by Monday we were both smitten. I don't know what it was because it isn't there anymore but it certainly wasn't his status or material gifts. In fact , I was the one always committed and attentive , the one who paid my own way even when I really couldn't afford it . Even the gift giver. He wasn't a pervert into young girls. He broke it off until I turned 18 the end of that year. I will admit , I have a lot of girlfriends who are more than happy to take if it is offered . But I have every material possession I could need though I'm not in anyway fully financially secure  and there is NOTHING I could want bad enough to not have earned it myself . A genuine gift from a mutually loved one is different . But there are few people I would accept such things from. I avoid at all costs feeling obligated towards anyone whom I don't care to be . Our story is perhaps unusual but it does happen. We are no longer together but I gained from the experience.   I was 17 , only just 17 and I dated a man 13 years my senior.
It was chemistry like never before. Not so much physical. Whether this sounds conceited or not the fact is I am a very attractive woman and although his appearance grew on me a great deal at first I did not find him physically attractive.  Obese , glasses , facial hair and far from a clean cut style .
He didn’t know how old I was when we were introduced at a “party” of 5 in his recording studio. I’ve looked the same since I was 15 and usually get 22 as a guess from the time I was 15 onwards. I told him that same night how old I was and he said infront of the guests , if I were younger we would be soul mates.
That was Saturday , by Monday we were both smitten. I don’t know what it was because it isn’t there anymore but it certainly wasn’t his status or material gifts.
In fact , I was the one always committed and attentive , the one who paid my own way even when I really couldn’t afford it . Even the gift giver.
He wasn’t a pervert into young girls. He broke it off until I turned 18 the end of that year.
I will admit , I have a lot of girlfriends who are more than happy to take if it is offered . But I have every material possession I could need though I’m not in anyway fully financially secure  and there is NOTHING I could want bad enough to not have earned it myself . A genuine gift from a mutually loved one is different . But there are few people I would accept such things from.
I avoid at all costs feeling obligated towards anyone whom I don’t care to be .
Our story is perhaps unusual but it does happen. We are no longer together but I gained from the experience.
 

]]> By: BeenThere http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/comment-page-3/#comment-54326 BeenThere Wed, 30 Dec 2009 00:34:55 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/#comment-54326 I was the younger woman who married the older man.  I was 29 and he was 50 when we married, that was 21 years ago.  We met when I was 25 and started out as friends.  (and only friends)  If I had the answer to why two people fall in love then I would be able to explain our relationship.  I didn't go out with him because he was rich, in fact I was in a better financial place than he was.  Nor was I looking for a father, I have one of those that I have a very good relationship with. We were friends, we had some of the same interests.  He was funny, I'd screw up the punch line but always laugh at his jokes.  He was kind and was interested in me.  He demonstrated qualities that made me respect him: honesty, responsibility, taking pride in his work, liking small children and dogs.  He thought I was beautiful  (this is where "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" comes in, I know I was attractive but I was never the most beautiful girl around).  I thought he was ruggedly handsome.  We both had good conversational skills, we both could talk about many subjects and we knew how to listen to each other and we didn't mind learning from one another.  (Doesn't seem to be much of this going on today.) I knew him for  22 years and was married for 18, he passed away 2 years ago.  I don't regret a minute of my life with him, for you see I know that I was truly loved and isn't that the point of this journey.  To love and be loved.  Was there a price to pay?  Absolutely, disapproving remarks, being excluded by both generations, each of us made sacrifices for the other (I never had children and he continued to be involved in our business longer than he would have),  I'm alone again and trying to date.  Would I go back and do it all over again? Without hesitation.  Do I want to date another man that is significantly older? No.  Would I recommend it to someone else?  I think everyone has to make their own decisions in life and they should just be as informed as possible and understand why they are going down this path.  If it isn't true love it won't last and the price you pay for this mistake is higher because of the age difference. I suppose we never quite know the ulimate cost of things in life, just recently I have come to understand that being a widow is a detriment to me in the dating world.  It seems many men don't know how to deal with this status.  I find it ironic that men would prefer a divorced woman (if her actions caused the divorce why would you want her and if he left her she's probably angry and has trust issues) over a widow that just might have gotten it right and figured out how to build a good relationship and at the very  least has proven she gets the commitment portion (that's what "til death do us part" means).  Anyway, it's dating it doesn't always make sense. I was the younger woman who married the older man.  I was 29 and he was 50 when we married, that was 21 years ago.  We met when I was 25 and started out as friends.  (and only friends)  If I had the answer to why two people fall in love then I would be able to explain our relationship.  I didn’t go out with him because he was rich, in fact I was in a better financial place than he was.  Nor was I looking for a father, I have one of those that I have a very good relationship with.

We were friends, we had some of the same interests.  He was funny, I’d screw up the punch line but always laugh at his jokes.  He was kind and was interested in me.  He demonstrated qualities that made me respect him: honesty, responsibility, taking pride in his work, liking small children and dogs.  He thought I was beautiful  (this is where “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” comes in, I know I was attractive but I was never the most beautiful girl around).  I thought he was ruggedly handsome.  We both had good conversational skills, we both could talk about many subjects and we knew how to listen to each other and we didn’t mind learning from one another.  (Doesn’t seem to be much of this going on today.)

I knew him for  22 years and was married for 18, he passed away 2 years ago.  I don’t regret a minute of my life with him, for you see I know that I was truly loved and isn’t that the point of this journey.  To love and be loved.  Was there a price to pay?  Absolutely, disapproving remarks, being excluded by both generations, each of us made sacrifices for the other (I never had children and he continued to be involved in our business longer than he would have),  I’m alone again and trying to date.  Would I go back and do it all over again? Without hesitation.  Do I want to date another man that is significantly older? No.  Would I recommend it to someone else?  I think everyone has to make their own decisions in life and they should just be as informed as possible and understand why they are going down this path.  If it isn’t true love it won’t last and the price you pay for this mistake is higher because of the age difference.

I suppose we never quite know the ulimate cost of things in life, just recently I have come to understand that being a widow is a detriment to me in the dating world.  It seems many men don’t know how to deal with this status.  I find it ironic that men would prefer a divorced woman (if her actions caused the divorce why would you want her and if he left her she’s probably angry and has trust issues) over a widow that just might have gotten it right and figured out how to build a good relationship and at the very  least has proven she gets the commitment portion (that’s what “til death do us part” means). 

Anyway, it’s dating it doesn’t always make sense.

]]> By: Becca http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/comment-page-3/#comment-53196 Becca Mon, 14 Dec 2009 03:54:26 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/#comment-53196 I am 28 and my boyfriend is 46.  It's an 18 year difference, but it's also been the best relationship I've ever been in.  Why would a young woman be attracted to an older man?  I can give plebty of reasons.  I've been attracted to older men since I can remember.  In high school I had crushes on my teachers not the boys my age and in college I was attracted to my older male professors.  I married young to a guy 2 years older than me.  He's attractive, but then I watch movies with Harrison Ford, Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan, etc. and I was highly turned on by those men fantasizing what it would be like to be with one of them.  My marriage failed after only a few years, and I dated guys in their late 30's, and one 40 year old.  THEN I met my boyfriend.  Late 40's, good looking, nice body, great sense of humor, and STABLE.  Oh, and he's a professor :)  It's not about the money as many people here have written or the fact that he treats me like a princess.  I don't know how much money he actually makes.  I do know he is financially stable and that's all that matters money-wise.  But he treats me with respect and we share a lot of interests.  Those qualities are what make a relationship work... it has nothing to do with age.  I'm more attracted to him than any younger guy or 30 something I've dated.  I did the party scene in my early 20's before I had children.  By the time I had children I was ready to settle down, quit the drinking and partying and be a Mom.  Not many guys under the age of 35 are willing to give up partying.  I can't deal with that after having an alcoholic ex-husband. Of course, having interests that you share are important in any relationship.  I just happened to find a silver fox who likes what I like, which is a nice quiet life and spending time together instead of at bars.  And we both have a wicked silly sense of humor.  He has his hobbies and I think they are wonderful. I have mine and likewise he is supportive.  His quirks turn me on.  We GET each other.  I don't know that I could have found that with a younger guy.  Yes, it is probably a huge ego boost for him that he is dating a girl 18 years younger and personally I love to give him that ego boost :) He deserves it.    He's laidback and has a great sense of humor on top of being sexy.  And yes, older men CAN be sexy (well, I've thought so my whole life).  And the sex... is awesome.  Older men know just how to touch a woman in the right places... no training required.   So here's my list as to why I like dating silver foxes: 1.   There are some incredibly sexy older men 2. Gray hair is HOT (well my bf has blonde hair but I can see some gray) 3.  Stability in life 4.  Experience- they know what they want and what they don't want 5.  No games. Damn, I hate when guys play games. And every guy under 35 is guilty of playing them. 6. Great sex 7. the fact that they adore you because you are actually interested in them.  It's nice to be adored and appreciated.  8. they're not clingy.  They know you need your space and they need theirs as well. A lot of my friends do make fun of me and question why I would date a man so much older.  We are all attracted to different people.  And there are 20 something women out there that adore older men.  I'm not the only one.  And maybe it's genetic.  My stepdad is 16 years older than my mom, and they've been married 25 years.  I've only been with my bf for 6 months, but I'd marry the man in a heartbeat. He just DOES it for me.  And as he gets older and grayer he'll continue to do it for me.  I am 28 and my boyfriend is 46.  It’s an 18 year difference, but it’s also been the best relationship I’ve ever been in.  Why would a young woman be attracted to an older man?  I can give plebty of reasons.  I’ve been attracted to older men since I can remember.  In high school I had crushes on my teachers not the boys my age and in college I was attracted to my older male professors. 

I married young to a guy 2 years older than me.  He’s attractive, but then I watch movies with Harrison Ford, Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan, etc. and I was highly turned on by those men fantasizing what it would be like to be with one of them.  My marriage failed after only a few years, and I dated guys in their late 30’s, and one 40 year old.  THEN I met my boyfriend.  Late 40’s, good looking, nice body, great sense of humor, and STABLE.  Oh, and he’s a professor :)   It’s not about the money as many people here have written or the fact that he treats me like a princess.  I don’t know how much money he actually makes.  I do know he is financially stable and that’s all that matters money-wise.  But he treats me with respect and we share a lot of interests.  Those qualities are what make a relationship work… it has nothing to do with age.  I’m more attracted to him than any younger guy or 30 something I’ve dated.  I did the party scene in my early 20’s before I had children.  By the time I had children I was ready to settle down, quit the drinking and partying and be a Mom.  Not many guys under the age of 35 are willing to give up partying.  I can’t deal with that after having an alcoholic ex-husband.

Of course, having interests that you share are important in any relationship.  I just happened to find a silver fox who likes what I like, which is a nice quiet life and spending time together instead of at bars.  And we both have a wicked silly sense of humor.  He has his hobbies and I think they are wonderful. I have mine and likewise he is supportive.  His quirks turn me on.  We GET each other.  I don’t know that I could have found that with a younger guy. 

Yes, it is probably a huge ego boost for him that he is dating a girl 18 years younger and personally I love to give him that ego boost :) He deserves it.    He’s laidback and has a great sense of humor on top of being sexy.  And yes, older men CAN be sexy (well, I’ve thought so my whole life).  And the sex… is awesome.  Older men know just how to touch a woman in the right places… no training required.  

So here’s my list as to why I like dating silver foxes:
1.   There are some incredibly sexy older men
2. Gray hair is HOT (well my bf has blonde hair but I can see some gray)
3.  Stability in life
4.  Experience- they know what they want and what they don’t want
5.  No games. Damn, I hate when guys play games. And every guy under 35 is guilty of playing them.
6. Great sex
7. the fact that they adore you because you are actually interested in them.  It’s nice to be adored and appreciated. 
8. they’re not clingy.  They know you need your space and they need theirs as well.

A lot of my friends do make fun of me and question why I would date a man so much older.  We are all attracted to different people.  And there are 20 something women out there that adore older men.  I’m not the only one.  And maybe it’s genetic.  My stepdad is 16 years older than my mom, and they’ve been married 25 years.  I’ve only been with my bf for 6 months, but I’d marry the man in a heartbeat. He just DOES it for me.  And as he gets older and grayer he’ll continue to do it for me. 

]]> By: Karl R http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/comment-page-3/#comment-52913 Karl R Thu, 10 Dec 2009 21:42:14 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/#comment-52913 <strong>Helen said:</strong> (#116) <em>"I thought we covered [...] that men don’t want to marry female versions of themselves."</em> That's why I didn't mention <strong>Paul Edelen's</strong> comments about money and power. That may even get him off the hook with the intelligence. But I'd really like someone to find a statement in that previous thread that indicates that kindness and skill in bed <em>aren't</em> important to men. Furthermore, he doesn't sound like he's making an observation about why younger women want to date older men. He sounds like he's making a sales pitch as to why younger women <em>should</em> want to date older men. Helen said: (#116)
“I thought we covered [...] that men don’t want to marry female versions of themselves.”

That’s why I didn’t mention Paul Edelen’s comments about money and power. That may even get him off the hook with the intelligence. But I’d really like someone to find a statement in that previous thread that indicates that kindness and skill in bed aren’t important to men.

Furthermore, he doesn’t sound like he’s making an observation about why younger women want to date older men. He sounds like he’s making a sales pitch as to why younger women should want to date older men.

]]> By: Helen http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/comment-page-3/#comment-52909 Helen Thu, 10 Dec 2009 20:20:36 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/#comment-52909 Karl R and Evan: I thought we covered <em>ad infinitum, ad nauseum</em> in another post ("Why don't men want smart, strong, successful women?") that men don't want to marry female versions of themselves. :D  So if you believe that to be true, then that lets Paul Edelen off the hook. Karl R and Evan: I thought we covered ad infinitum, ad nauseum in another post (“Why don’t men want smart, strong, successful women?”) that men don’t want to marry female versions of themselves. :D   So if you believe that to be true, then that lets Paul Edelen off the hook.

]]> By: michael http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/comment-page-3/#comment-52905 michael Thu, 10 Dec 2009 19:44:19 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/#comment-52905 There is only one kind of beauty that I see in a relationship with a lady.  The beauty within her heart makes her appearance.  I still believe in the saying, "Never judge a book by its cover".  My lady is very intelligent, skilled, from within her heart and having the formal college education...    There is only one kind of beauty that I see in a relationship with a lady.  The beauty within her heart makes her appearance.  I still believe in the saying, “Never judge a book by its cover”.  My lady is very intelligent, skilled, from within her heart and having the formal college education…   

]]> By: Evan Marc Katz http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/comment-page-3/#comment-52900 Evan Marc Katz Thu, 10 Dec 2009 18:39:35 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/#comment-52900 Ding ding ding! I believe the hypocrisy alarm has sounded... Ding ding ding! I believe the hypocrisy alarm has sounded…

]]> By: Karl R http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/comment-page-3/#comment-52898 Karl R Thu, 10 Dec 2009 18:19:00 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/#comment-52898 <strong>Paul Edelen said:</strong> (#110) <em>"Older men are more capable at everything [...]. They can be physically fit, intelligent, the best lovers, and very kind. Younger men are usually inept, poor lovers, in lousy physical shape, and lacking in basic intelligence. We also have more money and power and know what to do with it." </em> Everything you stated about older men could <em>equally</em> apply to older women.  If you (as an older man) believe those traits are valuable in yourself, why wouldn't you seek them out in a woman? And if <em>you're</em> deliberately seeking relationships with younger women (who lack those traits in the same manner that their male counterparts do), doesn't that indicate that <em>you</em> value the beauty of youth more than basic intelligence, skill as a lover and kindness? Paul Edelen said: (#110)
“Older men are more capable at everything [...]. They can be physically fit, intelligent, the best lovers, and very kind. Younger men are usually inept, poor lovers, in lousy physical shape, and lacking in basic intelligence. We also have more money and power and know what to do with it.”

Everything you stated about older men could equally apply to older women.  If you (as an older man) believe those traits are valuable in yourself, why wouldn’t you seek them out in a woman?

And if you’re deliberately seeking relationships with younger women (who lack those traits in the same manner that their male counterparts do), doesn’t that indicate that you value the beauty of youth more than basic intelligence, skill as a lover and kindness?

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