Why You Shouldn’t Have Sex With Your Friends – Or Should You?
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You saw “When Harry Met Sally…” but have you lived it? I have. Once had a wicked crush on my best friend from eleventh grade. Lost touch, got back in touch, lost touch again. We hadn’t seen each other in four years when we reconnected after college, but when we did, we slept together. It was everything I’d dreamed of, but it was so…foreign…and somehow, wrong. We stayed in touch for years afterwards – but we never ever got together again.
The thing about friendship is that you’re dealing with an established commodity. It’s not like meeting a cute stranger, swapping spit, and giving it a whirl. The stakes, in this instance, are a lot higher, because there’s actually something to lose.
Now I’m sure you know a couple of longtime friends who got together after a dozen years of dating the wrong people and now they live happily ever after with their three kids in Sheboygan, WI. It happens and I’m sure it’s close to an ideal situation. I mean, after all, who better to be your partner than someone who knows you as a friend first? But this is the exception and not the rule. 99% of relationships fail, otherwise you’d be married to your Spin the Bottle boyfriend from sixth grade. So if all relationships are fraught with danger, yet who better to navigate it than a trusted friend, what can we conclude?
Well, we know that sex is complicated. For some, it’s a lustful response to something visual. For others, it’s a tender, wordless expression of affection. Some people have sex. Some people make love. Women also have the added pull of the “cuddling” hormone oxytocin, which bonds them emotionally to men and makes unattached sex even more difficult.
Factor all this into the loaded variables that come with friendship.
Maybe he’s been pining after her for years, playing the dutiful best friend.
Maybe she’s spent all her time dating jerks and never bothered to consider him before.
Maybe they live in different states.
Maybe they work together.
Maybe they’ve never hung out socially before.
Maybe they spend a lot of time together already.
Maybe their relationship is a secret.
Maybe their friends always joked about them but she said no.
Maybe she tries his last name on for size.
Maybe he pictures her naked….
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7 Comments »Filed Under Sex
Mark 1
Great example, I did at one time live in Sheboygan, I never knew people outside of Wisconsin knew about the place. I do very much agree that without a good foundation, one cannot build a good future. Sex, Puppy Love, and the other attractants that draw to people together do fade, and it is ones ability to spend “down” time together successfully that can make or break relationships in my honest opinion. Evan, I think most of your readers know things like this, but like me Skim over these obvious lessons, and it takes someone like you to remind us of them and how to apply them to our decision making.
Michelle 2
I must say that I have a friend whom is very close to me; we have always hung out and had a great time just enjoying our friendship. Now, we do have sex when we feel like it. We both know that there is no attachment; we both know we aren’t the other’s only partner; we also sometimes bring our “buddies” to join. Sometimes we talk and cuddle afterwards; but it is just as likely that one of us tells the other to be quiet, give them room to sprawl out, and let that person enjoy happy time after an orgasm (though usually the latter causes a bit of laughter). We also can kick the other out of our house if we so desire and our feelings arent hurt. I think you just need to have COMPLETE honesty and KNOW that you would never be able to date the other person. These two things are VERY hard to find in one person, perhaps it was just a stroke of luck, perhaps it is that we are both bi and know that neither one of us could be tied down with one gender; maybe, it was his experience at handling this type of situation. It might also be that we are still relatively young and in college; I am 22 and he is 29. It might also be that neither one of us has any desire to settle down. All I do know that for him and me, it works. I just want to say that it does happen.
Michelle 3
I thought that I should also mention that it has been working for over a year… Some classmates had happened to hear a conversation that him and I were having and remarked that our friendship would turn sour in a week if we would actually have sex. To which of course we had both laughed. It also doesnt bother me if he doesnt want to hang out or breaks plans with me because he is with someone else; even another female. I get it; I have been there. Sometimes, you just want someone different; people are very different in the way they generally like to have sex and sometimes you just want a change. I was just reminded of those points and had wanted to clarify.
Morgan 4
My name is Morgan. And I sometimes have sex with my best guy friend, who’s been my best friend for over a year. Nothing’s awkward. & we both know there’s nothing more behind it. It’s just friendly-sex. Period. And neither of us have feelings for the other one, so it’s pretty easy.
Goldie 5
As a woman, for safety reasons, I’d take sex with a friend over sex with a stranger anytime. As a sole provider, I owe it to my family that, when I get intimate with someone, it’s with a safe enough person that I won’t turn up in a garbage container the morning after. I know, gross exaggeration, but you get the general idea. Works so far. Hasn’t ruined any friendships as yet.
Jake 6
Wish my bestfriend was my girlfriend. But idk how to get her. She said I’m like a brother to her and Ive liked her b4 I even hit puberty. Now I’m 15 and she’s seventeen and I’m afraid to wait any longer cause she said she’s been looking at other guys which really pisses me of. Because of how long I have wanted her
ty 7
I been having sex with my friend for 5 yrs we always had a thing that we did when we did it he pretended to be slp but he has a new guy now and he text me and told me its over we cant do it anymore my advice dnt have sex with yur bestfriend becuse at the end of tbe day yu cant be angry unless yu had feelings from the start and thats wat sucks about it i learned the hard way