Nov13

I’m Resenting My Boyfriend For Not Pulling His Weight Financially

08:22 am on Nov 13th 2007 Evan Marc Katz

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20 Comments »Filed Under Sex & Relationship Advice

20 Responses to “I’m Resenting My Boyfriend For Not Pulling His Weight Financially”

1. Damie Nov 13th 2007 at 09:48 am 1

   You could have a rich guy who pays for everything yet doesn’t pay attention to you. (And in that case I always say that this comes with a price.) You could have a workaholic who cares about his job more than anything else, never spends time with you, and complains when you ask for more together time. You could have a bum who doesn’t care about school or bettering himself, a real mooch.

   I speak from the experience of a person who is also going back to school and trying to work part-time. My fiance doesn’t always understand that just because I get off in the afternoon doesn’t mean the work stops there. There is a lot of intellectual challenges you encounter when you go back to school and it’s not as easy as some might think.

2. mrs. vee Nov 13th 2007 at 10:22 am 2

   hi, julie.

   it’s big picture time.

   presuming you are in this relationship for the long haul, do you really imagine you will financially outpace him forever? in a lifetime, there will be times when you earn more and times when he earns more.

   if you have kids, there would be at least a brief period where he goes off to work earning for the both of you, while you stay home caring for baby.

   you could lose your job tomorrow.

   heaven forbid, you could get sick and become overwhelmed with medical bills.

   point is: do you think he’d step in for YOU if you were to suffer some financial catastrophe? if so, then think of the pecuniary disparity now as an investment in your future.

   the most important thing, in my mind, when considering finances with love is…can you both be there for each other?

   that’s my opinion, anyway, for better or worse.

3. Erika Nov 13th 2007 at 11:36 pm 3

   While I agree with you Evan, I think her question is a legitimate one. It seems to me a little communication is in order. She doesn’t have to come from a place of blame, but could instead phrase it as, “hey, I feel sort of resentful about this. Can we discuss it and come up with a solution that makes us both happy?”

   Because what I hear is that she feels like she is being taken for granted. It doesn’t sound as if it’s just financial. It’s also THE CHORES. And boy, talk about a hot button issue for women!

   Money is a big issue for couples. It doesn’t seem fair that he should contribute the same amount that she does because he’s in school and probably doesn’t make the same amount. Perhaps they could come up with a budget and then decide to contribute a certain percentage of their income.

   Or perhaps she has expectations that because he isn’t contributing as much financially, he should be doing more of the chores. Unless they actually talk about these issues, it’s going to continue to be a sore spot and the resentment will just grow!

4. downtowngal Nov 14th 2007 at 03:55 am 4

   Julie, have you spoken with your boyfriend about this? This issue is typical of relationships/marriages. There is give and take, it could be more about how you’re commnicating than what’s happening. If you approach him in a constructive way, at a time when he’s calm and open to discussing, then work it out. Don’t make it sound as if it’s an attack on him but on what you see that needs to be done in terms of chores and see where you can reach a middle ground.

5. Craig Nov 14th 2007 at 09:20 am 5

   Ever notice that it’s always women who resent it if they have to contribute more financially, as opposed to men who just accept their typical greater financial burden is a fact of life? I don’t get bitter that my girlfriend is a teacher who is done at 2:30 or 3:30 every day. She’s doing her thing and I’m doing mine. Nor do I get bitter that I assume more of the financial burden. If I earn more, than it’s only fair that I assume a greater porportion of the financial responsibility. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: despite their protests to the contrary, women only want gender equality when it’s convenient for them, and they really don’t want economic equality at all. No matter how financially secure they are, they still want their man to be doing as well or better. Meanwhile most men are happy to take care of their women. Just sayin’.

6. Marc Nov 14th 2007 at 10:42 am 6

   A big AMEN to what Craig said. If the situation were reversed, I wonder if Julie’s boyfriend would be having the same concerns.

7. lorelei Nov 14th 2007 at 11:47 am 7

   Craig & Marc –

   Just to play devil’s advocate here… well, yeah, women want their men to do same or better than them. Maybe it is in our DNA to want to be dominated – no apologies there – the same way it’s in yours to feel the natural inclination TO dominate, which, as Craig pointed out, is evidenced by a man’s silent acceptance of playing breadwinner.

   So does this mean that women should artificially hold themselves back in the workplace to create the false appearance of male domination? Or, now that women have more opportunities at success – having essentially raised the bar – should men evolve with them and rise to the new challenges posed by women’s competitive presence in the workplace?

   M’be instead of saying women want gender equality (when it’s convenient to them, as craig puts it), it’s more accurate to say women want fair-and-just opportunities in the workplace and STILL seek a man who can assume the position of strength in the relationship.

   I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just sayin’ it is what it is, and as evan so often points out, you can’t change the opposite sex – only yourselves. So if the general trend is for women to rise successfully in the workplace, while maintaining their expectations of a superior male partner, maybe instead of complaining about it, you guys should just…I dunno…try harder?

   with tongue in cheek,
   lorelei

8. janie-baby Nov 14th 2007 at 01:23 pm 8

   Whoa, Lorelei, you just rocked my world.

   I never thought it’d be ok to admit I wanted a man to take care of me. Here I am, a successful, strong marketing communications director for a Fortune 500 company, and all this time, I secretly still wanted a man who could play father figure to me. I’ve always wanted someone to admire.

   I know you were kidding, but you still have a point. Why is it so wrong for a woman to enjoy the fact that society no longer places an artificial ceiling on her professional success – while simultaneously seeking a man who can hold his own against her?

   We’re supposed to look for a partner who complements us, afterall. Smart women can’t be expected to match themselves with lazy, unmotivated guys.

   So instead of those guys trying to make us feel ashamed for wanting a mate who surpasses us, perhaps they should be ashamed for believing that they can’t?

   (By the way, Julie, chores and financial contributions are two separate, unrelated problems. It’s obvious the finances issue eats away at you, but try not to bring it up in support of your case for his doing more around the house. Engineers have formidable minds and solid earning potential; he sounds like a keeper to me.)

9. verbosity Nov 15th 2007 at 08:14 am 9

   Halelujah, Mrs. Vee, Craig & Marc. BTW, Mrs. Vee, you seem a balanced person with a healthy outlook – kudos. Have you ever noticed the gnashing of teeth when someone raises the issue that women resent it if they have to contribute more financially to a relationship, a la Janie?

   What I’m about to say is a common theme I and many, many men share is a wariness (or is it weariness?) over money…namely that women have an inordinate focus on men’s earnings, and that those earnings most certainly exceed hers by a factor of at least 2x. As Craig aptly stated, men accept that they have to shoulder a greater percentage of the financial burden. I think the initial post and a few other ones here indicate many women clearly do not share that acceptance.

   Janie stated many, many women’s position as well – Women “enjoy the fact that society no longer places an artificial ceiling on her professional success – while simultaneously seeking a man who can hold his own against her. We’re supposed to look for a partner who complements us, afterall. Smart women can’t be expected to match themselves with lazy, unmotivated guys.”

   Here is the flaw in Janie’s view, accounting for Craig’s – women have all of the freedom to date up economically, no matter what their success is (of course, given Janie’s perspective, men do not share that freedom), for they do not want to shoulder an equal burden financially. Men, on the other hand, are trapped (dare I say victims?) by always (allowing for infrequent exceptions) having to shoulder the main financial burden, no matter the financial parity or disparity. To put it bluntly, women want to have their cake and eat it too. So no one is trying to make the Janies of the world feel ashamed. They are simply pointing out the illogical and inequitable flaws of such a perspective.

10. Craig Nov 15th 2007 at 09:31 am 10

    janie-baby, no one is saying there’s anything wrong with a woman wanting a man to take care of her. But then why in this world of gender of equality is it wrong for a man to want a woman to take care of him? What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, no?

    Why is what’s considered lazy and unmotivated for one, perfectly acceptable for the other? Furthermore, do you attach one’s work ethic and motivation to the size of their wallet? Is a hard-working male teacher or social worker with a masters degree who doesn’t match your income earning potential lazy and unmotivated in your view? That’s the problem with some women: they don’t measure a man’s worth by good, honest hard work alone. The size of his bank account matters more than the dedication, quality, and usefulness to society of his work. That’s what is wrong – and it’s only women who think that way.

11. Markus Nov 26th 2007 at 11:19 am 11

    You go Craig. LMAO at everything else. You want a guy making $150k? Fine, put it in your profile and be honest with yourself and me so you don’t waste my time. Thanks.

12. Selena Nov 26th 2007 at 05:33 pm 12

    Julie,
    What did you and your partner agree to in terms of finances and splitting chores when you decided to move in together? Did you have any discussion AT ALL about it? Since you knew he was going to school, you knew there would be a financial disparity presumably. Did he just assume you would be paying more? Or did you take that upon yourself and now feel resentment because you found he does have enough spare time to devote to an income producing endeavor?

    Same with housework. Did you just automatically start doing more of the chores (like a good girlfriend?) and now are a bit po’d because even with school, he still has more time than you do to contribute toward that end?

    All this gender role/expectations yadda yadda is really beside the point. It is up to you to clarify how you want the details of living together responsibilities determined. You are not married, and in fact only dated 4 mos. before moving in together. I don’t think that obligates you to pay more than half the expenses if you don’t wish to. What were his living arrangements before you? He wasn’t being supplemented by a gf and still managed to keep a roof over his head and the lights on, right?

    If you want to divide expenses according to percentage of income in the spirit of partnership that’s fine too if you find it equitable, but it sounds like you don’t -quite. I disagree with the idea that you should *suck it up* for now because he might be the one contributing more support later. You are not married, you’ve only been together slightly more than half a year! You don’t know with certainty you’ll still be together when he finishes his degree and starts making more money. He might not be there for you if you lose your job, or incur big medical bills–financially, or perhaps physically.

    Sit down and discuss what you feel is fair in terms of finances and household responsibilities. Come to an agreement you both can live with. If you don’t, you can expect your resentment to build and possibly push you right out the door. THAT is the big picture.

13. J Jan 16th 2008 at 01:47 am 13

    I would most agree with Selena in her post just above mine. I agree that looking at specifics and your partner as an individual and not dealing in absolutes, generalities, or stereotypes is the only way to go. I thought you made excellent points, Selena. Very well articulated and very much appreciated. On another note, the article by Amy Sutherland (that Evan provides a link to at the end of his blog entry) was truly fabulous!!! I don’t know Amy Sutherland (nor am I affiliated with The NY Times), but I wish I did. It was very insightful, witty, and enlightening/edifying. Well worth reading as I could see how you could apply it to getting more out of your marriage, a relationship, a friendship or a job. And in a way, oddly as it sounds, how you could even apply it to yourself if you are one who has habits or behaviors that are not beneficial to you or are holding you back from being who you want to be or attracting the man or woman of your dreams. Also so much I agree with in Evan’s post as well.

14. verbosity Jan 16th 2008 at 09:08 am 14

    I would agree with Selena and J in one respect only – that of communication. Both parties should communicate EXACTLY what their expectations are (financially, children, etc…) of the other before committing to a relationship, especially when it involves moving in together (which I think should never be done, as it unnecessarily complicates things, but I digress).

    If ladies openly communicate that they want men to take care of them financially, men can in turn communicate whether or not they find that acceptable to them and whether they wish to shoulder that burden. Informed consent is the concept. I can’t very well call a woman a gold digger if you told me up front and I accepted it. Conversely, she cannot possibly resent it if I tell her I expect her to shoulder an equal (as opposed to proportional) financial burden.

    The trick with communication is honesty. You can be honest but if he/she isn’t, you’re screwed. At least you can walk away with a clean conscience then.

    I would respectfully disagree with Selena and J in that this discussion about gender roles/expectations is NOT besides the point. It is. That is why every male poster brought it up.

    I would also submit that there are precious few women who are that honest or open about their intent and expectations regarding financial issues in a relationship. I suspect you would see far fewer ‘relationships’ than you do already…

    Also, lorelei wrote, ” it’s more accurate to say women want fair-and-just opportunities in the workplace and STILL seek a man who can assume the position of strength in the relationship. I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just sayin’ it is what it is, and as evan so often points out, you can’t change the opposite sex – only yourselves. So if the general trend is for women to rise successfully in the workplace, while maintaining their expectations of a superior male partner, maybe instead of complaining about it, you guys should just…I dunno…try harder?”

    I do not wish to parse her words or criticize them. I would note, however, that such a viewpoint dramatically reduces the pool of available men to only those who make more.

    Keep the faith, boys! There are millions of women out there who will care about YOU, not your wallet and income!

15. verbosity Jan 16th 2008 at 09:22 am 15

    The thought just occurred to me….Karl Marx would love the ladies’ view of dating and marriage.

16. Rhoadie Jun 7th 2008 at 04:42 am 16

    Don’t feel bad for what you are feeling. Men are suppose to work. I would advise you to move out, and make out on your own. And maybe after he gets his engineering degree, and a good job than you all can marry (if he is marriage material).

17. Sahaja Jul 29th 2008 at 04:59 am 17

    Say what now? The guy is not doing chores around the house and can not contribute as much financially bc he is in school – so just move out and see if he wants you when hes done with school? Is that what I’m reading?!!
    In relationships, there are ups and downs – times to support one another. You don’t just bail – you SPEAK. If she states clearly and simply what the actual problem is for her, then maybe things can change. If he has no idea and she has no idea of what the other is thinking, how can things work? I agree with a lot of the guys above – I grew up with brothers and my dad, so maybe I have more of a male thinking than the average female. I don’t know. But if she wants something different from the relationship than she is getting, than say so. If he knows and can meet those needs, great. If not, maybe there is a middle road, where both people can adjust a bit. And this goes the other way too – I am not saying that the burden of change is on one party. I am just saying dont bail until you’ve given it a fair chance. There are deal breakers of course and extremes, but those fall outside of the fair chance spectrum, IMO.

18. diana Sep 30th 2008 at 12:53 pm 18

    Craig, you say “That’s the problem with some women: they don’t measure a man’s worth by good, honest hard work alone. The size of his bank account matters more than the dedication, quality, and usefulness to society of his work. That’s what is wrong – and it’s only women who think that way”. However, how do men measure women – by the WAY THE LOOK ! You will find most rich men with younger attractive women – Women look for Money while men look for beauty.

19. Julie 2 Feb 14th 2009 at 05:34 pm 19

    Wow. This a hot button for me. I was in a bad work situation, but the money was good and allowed me to go back to school at night so I can increase my job options. I knew this was temporary. I teach … yes, the day ends at 3pm, but I grade papers, etc., until night classes begin, do homework until about 1-2am; get up at 6am, and it starts all over again. I have a wonderful man in my life who is kind, considerate … and pays about 1/3 of our monthly bills. His work is not steady and he’s somewhat lazy. I had choices: I could drop my resentment or ask him to leave. I decided to drop the resentment because the company is nice until I finish school and am in a position to move on when I graduate sometime next year. I think sometimes we forget that we have choices … I believe resentments start to stockpile when we forget we have options or allow ourselves to feel like victims.

20. T Mar 3rd 2010 at 03:31 pm 20

    Wow.  I can’t believe the opinions here.  I’m going to be flat-out honest.  As a 35 year old woman who has been very fortunate to do well in her career, this question is exactly what I needed to read tonight.  I have been with a man for 1.5 years who is 40.  He went back to university at age 30 and graduated at age 35.  He has been working in a field he loves for 3 years, but since he’s still in his first role, only makes 60k, whereas I make 110k, almost double.  I didn’t care at first.  He pays for me, does nice things for me, is a lovely boyfriend and man, but now that we’re talking marriage, I am feeling the resentment at being the one who makes more money.  We do talk about it, often, and it’s something that comes up every now and then in our relationship and we try to work it out, talk it out, and focus on communication.  I agree with Sahaja that you don’t bail at the first sign of disagreement or disparity.  And that’s exactly what I am not doing, is bailing, because if it isn’t money, then it’s something else with alot of us women – we wan perfection, or at least that’s what I wanted.  I often hear conflicting viewpoints - my Boss told me yesterday that in his opinion, relationships where the wife earns more often fail.  That hurt!  As a woman, I don’t want to be ‘that girl’ who finds her security in a man who makes more money than her.  Girls, if you are struggling like I am with the income disparity, I suggest you take an honest look at what your expectations are in a relationship and what those expectations say about YOU.  The truth is money is the root of evil for many reasons, and one of those reasons is “the search for status and power”.  My boyfriend makes 60k, but still manages to own his own home, has some debt to pay, and still takes me to dinner, surprised me on a trip to NYC, and loved me through a depression, health issues, and is a great sounding board when I am upset about work.  The truth is, I need to be that person for HIM too – and I am truly trying to find that acceptance, and admittedly, it means trying to understand why I put so much emphasis on money.  I can’t tell you how many times I have brought up money to him, resenting him for not paying for me all the time, or stressing about his line of credit that he has yet to pay off.   Yet, I forget that I just payed off my line of credit 3 years ago, and that I had debt too.  I don’t think men have it easy – only the men who make 100k plus will tell you that it’s easy. 

    Where am I going with this?  Just that I still struggle with the income thing too.  I don’t like that aspect of myself, because it IS selfish, and it’s not what love is.   Now, I am not talking about supporting a man entirely, that I know would not work for me.  But being with a man who contributes, even if it’s less than me, is something I am trying to make peace with.  One thing I do know though, is that the problem of acceptance is with me, and is not my boyfriend’s fault.  If we ended tomorrow because I wanted a man who made the same or more money, I would have lost a truly special and loving man all because I couldn’t make peace with money.  Think about it.  There is NO certainty in life, that goes for jobs too.  If I lost my job tomorrow, my Man would do his best to support me.  If he lost his job, I would be a bundle of resentments.  That means I need to learn more about love, and about me. 

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