Comments on: You’re Attracted To The Wrong Men

By: Lucy

Lucy — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 23:54:25 +0000

@Karl and marymary -
Your words make a lot of sense to me. Thanks. I was lamenting a guy I’ve been heartbroken over recently, not being able to impress him. He is very demanding. He wants a challenging woman who runs marathons and that sort of stuff so I wasn’t going to fit into that role nor produce the ‘spark’ he said he wanted. Oh and I don’t see as attractive a man who has options above any other guy. I think men who think they have options, regardless of whether that is true, are harder to snag. I met this guy online. I’m convinced meeting men in real life is easier. But he taught me something about what alpha males want and it sure isn’t me at the moment. I need to step up to the plate.
The thing is that this guy is not really someone I’d see as particularly alpha in real life. It’s just his manner of thinking which came up when talking to him. Initially he was quite awkward with me. Although I’m not vain enough to expect him to like me straight up.
Yes I would like a trustworthy man who loves me. But it’s hard. I’m very feminine, more than most women. I go for a lot of polarity which actually manifests in my sexual predilections. One of my friends told me I remind her of the female lead in Fifty Shades of Grey (not that I’ve read it).
But you might be right about something. I seem to have a habit of being most intensely attracted to men who are unavailable to me, and less attracted to the men who act like my friend. Maybe part of this is due to having an emotionally distant father. I’ve got a bit more mature recently but I hope that my tastes become more realistic as I pass through my twenties.

By: marymary

marymary — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 22:54:22 +0000

lucy
if your definition of attractive is a man who likes having options when it comes to women then this may not be helping you.
i also question how much these men respect women. Is it all women? What kind of women? How does it manifest itself? I wouldn’t issue a blanket statement and say I respect men. I’d only say that if I had a very one dimensional view of men or was trying to impress them, or didn’t know any very well.
you say they don’t like submissive women and want a challenge. but they won’t make you a fixture. So I guess once the challenge was won they disappeared. It almost doesn’t matter who the woman is. They aren’t really interested in her no matter how hot she is or smart etc, they are interested in the conquest. And then what? Or maybe it,s you who wants the challenge, rather than someone who will simply love you and is trustworthy.
If these men were making you happy, go right on ahead but I sense disappointment and frustration.

By: Karl R

Karl R — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 22:50:18 +0000

Lucy said: (#31)
“These guys have said I’m hot, a good person, intelligent, funny etcetera but have never taken the final step of making more of a fixture.”

Have you ever given a compliment to a beta guy. A “nice guy” as you’re describing them? Maybe he was a physically attractive man, smart, funny, a wonderful person … whatever best describes him.

After giving him a compliment, did you suddenly have the urge to have a relationship with him? Did you see him as being the equal of the masculine alpha with more drive and more sexual polarity? I’d be willing to bet that you didn’t.

Lucy said: (#31)
“It’s very difficult to navigate this.”

I’ll make it easy. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words.

About four years ago I went on a date with a very attractive woman. She was also a genuinely sweet, kind and caring woman. However, two hours into our first date, I decided I never wanted to date her again. It doesn’t matter how many sincere compliments I give her (and she has some very good qualities), I’m not changing my mind.

Believe their actions, not their words. It’s that easy to navigate this.

By: Lucy

Lucy — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 21:00:28 +0000

I like being #2 in a relationship so I couldn’t go with a nice guy. But I have been involved with enough alphas of varying levels of attractiveness, and there’s one thing I know. They are picky. Once they’re into you that’s it but it would take a lot for it to get to that stage. These guys have said I’m hot, a good person, intelligent, funny etcetera but have never taken the final step of making more of a fixture. It doesn’t even matter how many options these guys have in reality. It’s the perception that they have options which drives them. They want women who can keep up with them and they don’t consider submissive women enough of a challenge. It’s very difficult to navigate this. I can’t find nice guys attractive enough because I have a strong pull towards polarity of sexual roles, traditional masculinity and dominant male characteristics due to my upbringing. Alpha males aren’t bad guys. They actually have a lot of respect for women. They are simply choosy about which woman they pick because they are self-actualising and their pride makes them think they can go for anything in life, including women, and get whatever they want. Every day is a mission.

By: Rochelle

Rochelle — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 22:15:19 +0000

I have the opposite experience too. I’ve been going for mellow “nice guys” who are more beta but they always end up preferring more aggressive, loud women. At the end of the day, I think these “nice” guys are too much like me. So I should try men who are more alpha, as in theory they’d be my complements. Just I have always held a negative perception of these men being too narcissistic and self-centered. But the world isn’t black and white so I’m sure I can attract one who is more in the middle ground and doesn’t let his flaws run him.

By: Betty

Betty — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 12:32:56 +0000

My experience is a bit the opposite actually. I am the daughter of a “nice guy” and so I found myself attracted to my ex because of his charisma, sensitivity, and kindness. Even though I didn’t find him physically handsome, I was still attracted to him on another level, and I assumed the physical element would grow over time. Certainly I became attached to him, but I never started thinking he was “hot” and it did prove an obstacle in our relationship. It was hard for me to hear him always say that I’m beautiful, and not really be able to return the favour. I can’t say this is the only reason we broke up, but it was a factor, and a bigger one than I had expected.

So I promised myself, next time I’ll give myself permission to be superficial and seriously consider dating an alpha male.

By: Ellen

Ellen — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 00:43:26 +0000

somewhere along the way, the alpha man became a caricature. I think I am sometimes drawn to them ’cause my Dad definitely was alpha. I’m dating one now but I think he is multidimensional: Likes to win (told me that), but doesn’t work weekends unless necessary. Likes to be in control, lead, ,but DOES listen to me. Very affectionate and open too which I love.

He’s a big man, 6’1, 235 lbs give or take, (can bench press 300) so surely that may have something to do with it? I. e., maybe the alpha man just has more testosterone!

The more important question is: Why do women you seek one? Frankly, in my marriage and looking how men have become so diluted & in some ways emasculated by society I think women like me long for a simpler time when gender roles were more simple,uncomplicated. Recently he told me he protected a woman in a bad bar situation when her own husband stood by and did nothing so obviously he’s proud of his fearlessness. I am quietly I think an alpha female (despite a Southern Belle exterior) so maybe I admire his strength. Like him,over the years I have gone in the direction of fearlessnes….I can relate to it.

I became an alpha female cause I grew up with strong women aand two much older brothers. Dad was ex-military & an intellectual so discipline and intellectual curiosity were everything in my family. Weakness was frowned upon. lol
Finally I am mature enough now to know he simply can’t give me emotionally everthing i need (that’s what girlfriends are for) so I no longer hold out for it. As I’m not looking for a husband but weekend bf it works for me.

Maybe it boils down to this: in bed the alpha gives you more orgasms, period. Again LOL

By: Mike

Mike — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 23:02:34 +0000

I always used to say confidence is not something you start out with, it is given to you by others, and it’s cumulative.
someone born with really good looks (8-10) is perceived and interacted with in a better manner and rejected less, and it snowballs into swagger, which leads to greater success, and greater options.
someone born with meager looks (1-5) will not be given the same opportunities and interacted with at the same level. they will have to work extremely hard to gain ‘confidence’ where those blessed with looks have confidence bred through them.
i always wondered what would happen if all the hot girls in school just went out with the nerds for 3 months and groomed them while building up their confidence and ego’s. They would learn positive alpha traits and more than likely retain their humility and be humble, knowing where they came from, and not use it as a tool to revenge against women (like todays PUA’s do)
if women just gave the silent, boring, introverts of the world just a little bit of their time, i can imagine a better world of confident nice guys.

too bad there is no nice guy finishing school. there’s only PUA’s and the seduction scene. oh well… you gotta go with what’s working in the best interests of men these days.
seriously, how else is someone who’s rejected throughout life supposed to ‘build confidence’… you can look in the mirror and do a Stuart Smiley every day and say “i feel good, i look good and god dammit im worth it’.. but if you approach 10 – shot down by 10 every night, 7 nights a week, 365 days a year, well you don’t need to figure out where i’m going with this.
it’s one of the reasons why there’s a whole MGTOW phenomenon. those who don’t feel like pretending to be alpha’s and jump through women’s list of hoops (amongst many other mens issues) are just giving up on the dating scene and letting the women fight each other over the 15-20% alphas. they have no confidence because they been ignored throughout their teens and young adulthood. and they just don’t care anymore.

By: Joe

Joe — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 18:23:31 +0000

I’m gonna say there is a 3rd option – Manipulation.
Forget attraction or rejection. Most Men and some women don’t know how to be attractive and it takes a good friend to mold them into the solid 8 every Single Man or Woman can become. Why are these 10′s so attractive, because they’ve gained the confidence of years of adulation and grooming effort. No one is born perfect. You’re running around the world looking for the perfect man or woman, but you can literally make a man or woman perfect if you put in the effort into helping that person reach their potential as a good boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/mother/father. Maybe this is too optimistic, but so is running around trying to find Mr Perfect.

By: Bill

Bill — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 03:05:46 +0000

@shannon more social clout means way more opportunities thus more competition for girls. At the end of the day what women are attracted to are driven char carasmastic men those kind of men part of what makes them so attractive is also the reason they chase after so many girls. You can not change nature!