You Deserve A Partner Who Loves You Unconditionally!
Have you ever felt stronger about someone than he felt about you?
Have you ever been in a relationship where you were always worried about being dumped?
Have you ever longed for someone’s affections, only to be told some version of:
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
“I’m just not feeling it.”
“Let’s just be friends.”
“I think the timing is wrong.”
“We don’t have the right chemistry.”
If you’ve finished elementary school, you probably have!
If you have ever been on the wrong end of an unequal relationship, you know how terrible it feels.
Which means you’ve also spent sleepless nights beating yourself up, wondering what you could have done differently, asking friends how you could have turned things around.
If you have ever been on the wrong end of an unequal relationship, you know how terrible it feels.
Emotions flood over you that you’re embarrassed to admit. Feelings of worthlessness, neediness, confusion.
All because you gave your heart to a guy who didn’t give his back to you.
These are some of the most painful memories from romantic relationships, and, because of them, you may feel that it’s not worth it to date anymore.
Well, if every relationship ends in the same painful fashion, that would make sense.
But there are happy, healthy relationships out there. And the only way for you to find one is to get back out there by breaking your pattern of accepting unacceptable men.
A perfect example is a private dating coaching client of mine named Judy.
Judy is in her early 50’s, divorced, and quite successful.
She confessed that she wasn’t having much success online and told me about how she’s looking for a suitable partner. Someone youthful and passionate; someone who she’d feel excited about seeing every day for the rest of her life.
She signed up to work with me for three months. In that short time, she became an online dating superstar.
Her response rate skyrocketed when she learned to communicate online more effectively.
She graduated my Commitment Course as a stellar and appreciative student, and vowed to keep in touch.
Four months later, I got an email from Judy with an update.
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55 Comments »Filed Under Letting Go
Samantha 1
Ouch, Judy! You totally deserve more. Seriously, what an ass.
MadHatter 2
Judy,
You absolutely deserve someone who will be by your side in times of trouble and need. A man that pulls away during a tragedy such as a death of a parent is in no way a good man or boyfriend. If you took him back, he would be out the door soon again anyway, because life keeps happening, and sometimes it’s bad stuff!
REAL MEN with REAL INTEGRITY do not treat ladies like this. I hope you can see that you deserve SOOO much more!
BloggyDaddy 3
Indeed, it hurts like crazy when you find out someone you love won’t stand behind you when you need them, but Evan is totally right. Why accept less than you are worth when you need it the most.
When the hard times come, that’s when you find out what you and those you love are made of. Be glad you found out early.
Great post!
Eljem 4
Great post. Thank you Evan.
Sheba Wheeler 5
Lovely, Evan. Just lovely, and so needed right now. Thank you for putting me back on the right track.
Carrie 6
This is a great post. Makes complete sense…outside of the relationship. On the inside it “feels” different. I know what she is going through, because I have gone through a similiar situation. I too want(ed) my ex-husband back but when you look at it that way, well….now I question it. Every now and then everyone needs a wack upside the head! Wack away Evan!
Carrie
Margo 7
Evan is great! Six months ago, I was led on by a man that said I was everything he wanted and that our relationship was from “God”. Then he began to show his true character which was jealous, controlling, inconsiderate and extremely selfish. I could have been stuck with this otherwise good-looking, fairly sucessful man. However, things blew up when I refused to accept his behavior. His ex left him for the very same behavior he was exhibiting with me (some men never learn).
It hurt my pride when he told me we “had no future” because of the continual arguing, but he was right. That arguing was indicative of the fact that he wasn’t going to change. I could not/would not accept his behavior. Had I married him, I would have been miserable trying to get him to be less selfish and more considerate. Unfortunately, that is WHO he is.
Now I am dating men who are just as handsome, and have totally different personalities in that they are very giving and not judgemental. I am much more happy and peaceful with these type of men.
Evan is right ladies: if you don’t get unconditional love from a guy, you need to leave.
Foolingmyself 8
Judy is lucky she had Evan to set her strait, so early on. I have just figured this out, after 5 years vested in a LDR. Like Judy, I made exuses in my head for his bad actions/or lack of actions. I could always justify what he was or wasn’t doing, because of how I felt about HIM. Not how he felt about me. My actions backed up my love for him, and in the process, I allowed my love to override his not being there for me. I believe he loved, to the best of HIS ability, but it was never enough for me. And it made me crazy; always questioning how he really felt, what he really meant, if he REALLY did even love me. That’s not a relationship! Without security, love, trust and respect, its a one sided relationship. Run Judy run! You deserve so much better-we all do!
Christina 9
Awesome post! Judy was lucky in two ways. First of all, she had a situation early on that tested the relationship. Wouldn’t it have been awful if she’d married the guy (or even invested a lot more time) and THEN found out he’s a jerk? Secondly, she had someone to turn to for some common-sense advice.
It’s so hard to be on the inside of that situation and have any perspective.When it happened to me, I was lucky too. The guy who was being an ass actually pointed it out to me himself. He actually broke up with me because I was putting up with too much crap from him and thought I should push back. Weird, but it was a good lesson.
Gina 10
You’re the man, Evan! You ARE the man! Your insightful advice has helped me more than you’ll ever know. I am an only child, so reading your blog is like having a brother that I can go to for help regarding dating and relationships, in order to get the male perspective, because a man understands how a man thinks. For that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
XO
Tish 11
I LOVE YOU EVAN!!!!! I am so greatful to have found your work. You have helped me so, so, so much, words cannot express my absolute appreciation for what you do. And THANK YOU so much for alerting us to the Soulmate Summit. I upgraded to the Gold Pass so the I could listen to the calls whenever I want to. I thank God for people like you and Claire and Arielle and all the speakers who were so kind to provide their insight FOR FREE!!!! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
Oh yeah, I just got out of a situation just like Judy’s. Only difference was, I never changed. He actually suffered a loss and bailed on me exactly the way Ron did Judy. If I had not had the priviledge and honor to listen in on the Summit and read your blogs and oh, yeah, read your book “Why He Disappeared”, I would be a WRECK right now. don’t get me wrong, it was pretty tough for me, but there would have been a time when I would have read Judy’s story and sobbed my eyes out, but today I read it, I identified with it and feel so much satisfaction in knowing that it wasn’t anything I did wrong and I do deserve from a relationship EXACTLY what I’m putting into it. Thank you Evan, so much!
Angie 12
I mostly agree with this post, but I also feel like early tragedies are going to throw any new relationship off balance.
Three months in is a hard point to determine whether you “love” another person or not. I remember a course in anthropology said a year is the amount of time needed in a study because you see things through all seasons – I could say the same is true of a relationship. They usually say people are in the new blissful phase for about 6 months (agreed), but at three months it isn’t hard to see a person withdraw or bail. Especially a 52-year-old man with children.
When I was 21, I began dating a guy whose brother killed himself a month into us dating. I, of course, stepped up as the strong one because my compassion for the situation and sympathy confused whether or not I “loved” the guy. And this isn’t because I’m female – I have a female friend who lost a brother, and her new boyfriend stepped up and was a man and very supportive.
Both of us agree in reflection, neither of these relationships came from a passion or appreciation for our partners. They stemmed from compassion, and were moving towards co-dependent.
So, I think the opposite can still be true. Because someone withdraws at an early tragedy doesn’t mean they “don’t love you unconditionally”. It might just mean they haven’t had enough time with you to want to be your rock. Mourning can go on for years. And just because someone steps up to bat, doesn’t mean they are a good match for you. It might just mean they are big-hearted in general.
I think this is just an unfortunate circumstance. My sympathies, Judy!
juniper 13
I think the point Angie (12) is making is pretty interesting and something to keep in mind as well. I was on the receiving end of what she was describing. One month or so into a dating situation I injured myself badly and had to have surgery in a new town I moved to, with not many friends or family around. The guy I was dating, whom I liked a lot, totally took care of me during the process and supported me. I, stupidly, thought that this indicated that he was into me (as much as I was into him) and I guess, started to expect that he will act more like my boyfriend – which was not true – when I got on my feet he pulled back, distanced himself from me…which was very painful as I found that hard to believe and accept after the previous experience. I still see him, but I dont know where I stand with him, and I have hard time letting go, because not only I am into him for bunch of reasons, but I also know he is a great guy. And yes, I give myself hard time and spend lots of hours thinking what I did do wrong…
starthrower68 14
Angie, I must respectfully disagree. It may very well have not been love 3 months in to Judy’s relationship, but there is decent behavior and lousy behavior and Judy’s guy displayed lousy behavior. You don’t have to be in love with someone to be supportive and caring. If a friend treated you the way Judy’s BF treated her, would you accept that? Probably not. But we’ll often accept things from people we’re dating that we wouldn’t accept from friends or family because we don’t want to “rock the boat” and risk loosing him or her. I think Judy got a pretty good glimpse of what she could expect from this guy and it is highly likely that if this situation had not driven him away, something else would have and probably sooner rather than later.
Diana 15
Since the man is revealing to Judy through his actions that he wants to leave their relationship, and is essentially doing just that, she needs to stand strong and let him go. Easier said than done. Believe me, I know. I wouldn’t feel a need to label him. It’s disappointing, yes, but their relationship was brief. Real, mature love takes time. Chasing after him will only make her look worse to him and to herself. She has to love herself more than she thinks she loves him.
But in my most humble opinion, I do not believe in unconditional love in the sense of “attached” love. All loving relationships are based on conditions. Not conditions as in, for example, “I’ll love you only as long as you can take care of me.” It’s about the conditions upon which the love was created, like a person’s personality or the way they treat you or make you feel. The idea of unconditional love can be tested. If the main idea is that I will love and stand by you no matter what, then what if one of you has an affair, becomes abusive, drains the family’s finances into ruin, etc.?
To me, loving unconditionally means to be free of ego, attachment and expectation, and to share this love equally between ones self and all human beings.
starthrower68 16
@ Diana,
I agree with you to a point. No, we don’t put up with bad behavior from someone. But that is not a condition. That’s not putting up with someone’s bad behavior and no one in their right mind would argue that anyone should do that. Unconditional love is also not imposing on someone’s freedom not to choose you. Unconditional love, in the broadest sense of the term, means you forgive someone for their bad behavior toward you and don’t in turn behave badly toward or seek revenge upon the other person. Seeing if a person treats you well is not the same as making them “earn” your love. We all ought to at least respect ourselves enough to want to be treated well in return. But there are people that no matter how much we do to try to make them desire us, they will not. You would still treat that person well even if you get nothing in return. That is unconditional love. It does not mean you can stay in relationship with him or her.
Jules 17
When I was online dating, one of the red flags I looked for in a man’s profile was any version of the phrase, “No drama!” And for some reason, it was always written with an exclamation point.
The reality is that EVERYONE has drama in their lives, in one form or another, and a man telling me right from the start that he won’t be there for me if some sort of crisis happens is not someone I’m remotely interested in.
And seriously, do the men who write that think that phrase is attractive and helpful? From my experience, it usually means the man’s life is full of drama, usually a bitter divorce that they are not yet over.
Ruby 18
Jules #17
Interesting, I interpret “no drama” as meaning “not crazy”. I’ve never thought that it means not wanting someone who never has anything bad happen to them.
Lin 19
Jules (17), I could not agree with you more! The last guy that I dated always talked about girls in the past that were ‘drama.’ I view myself as fairly drama free in comparison to most individuals, so this was not disconcerting to me at the beginning of the relationship. As things began to progress, I began to see that in his eyes, trying to have a normal, adult conversation about the relationship was ‘dramatic and ‘pushed him away.’
Moving forward, I have been taking a serious look at individuals who dwell on past ‘drama’ as well as those who seem to find the same flaw in every past relationship. Maybe it is you, and not the girls that you dated.
Ames 20
I totally agree with Evan, however…I just don’t think men love me that way. In 12 years of dating there was only one man who loved me unconditionally but he would disappear and get distracted. I could have done anything and he would beg to stay with me & said that he never thought I’d break it off. He said he thought “(I) would always be around if he didn’t have time for me since I was such a cool easy going girl.” It seems women are the ones who really feel attachment. Tweleve years without having one consistent loving relationship is a terrible track record. I’ll always love men but I’m tired.
Once Poetic 21
I have found myself involved with a few drama men in my life, all ending badly, but I think the last one just topped the cake. I have even confused myself along the way of what is normal and acceptable in a rship by being so charmed and manipulated by them, how i got myself to this point is beside me. I have so much heart to give, and feel I dont want to give it anymore. This last one tied me in emotionally, mentally and financially, I came out with nothing in the end by an unbelievale good con artist, I feel nothing but tramatised and empty, how do you love or trust again?
maybe one day ill be optimistic once more, if there is ever a blue sky that comes my way. But I hope I pay more attention to the red flags that I so blindly ignored previously. As for having children, my biological clock is ticking, I think I have missed the boat, I dont believe I will love again for a long time, and have never known any kind of love other than drama.
How much I have always wanted to be unconditionally loved.
thank you for your wonderful blog posts.
Snazzy 22
Evan said “Did you agonize about what you could have done differently? Or did you realize that you were being given a gift – an insight – a revelation about the future of your relationship?”
Thanks to Evan’s blogs and Why he Disappeared I finally got it. I used to agonize over what I said, what I did, what more could I have done? what is SO wonderful for me now is I don’t even really wonder “what happened”. I just know it wasn’t right and I’m getting closer to the one that is right!
We women can waste too much time on the why, what when we should be moving forward. As Evan always says, if a man is into us we know it- we don’t have to wonder- and if HJNTIY move on!
SR 23
Thanks Evan! I really needed this today. You do not know how much I needed this.
Diana 24
Hey Starthrower ~ I understand what you have shared. In a romantic relationship, we fall in love with someone based on how they make us feel, and that is a condition because of all the underlying conditions connected to why we feel as we do about them. If bad behavior is not a condition, then one has to agree that neither is good behavior, yet it’s good behavior that plays a part in who we fall in love with (unless we are emotionally unhealthy).
To be honest, when I read Evan’s explanation for how the man treated her, I didn’t think that love of any kind had anything to do with it. While the feeling of love (which, IMHO, isn’t real that early on) may have been there for Judy, it’s very possible that love hadn’t even crossed the man’s heart or mind. I think the man revealed that he had a major character flaw by not demonstrating to Judy compassion and sensitivity to her situation. Unfortunately, I think the timing of their relationship was teetering between fanciful and something more serious and at that stage, a major life’s blow can be difficult to successfully navigate.
If he felt that he couldn’t, or didn’t want to, emotionally deal with her mother’s passing, including how this would likely impact their time together, then he should have shared this with her. But realistically, how could he do that? What would those words have sounded like? Would he have felt like he was burdening her even more, or weak for not being the pillar of strength he either wanted to see himself as or thought she needed? A lot of people would rather try to fade away than be open and honest.
And I agree with you. Yes ~ if you truly love someone, you should set them free. Judy should do the same.
Ruby 25
Some men will use any excuse to get out of a relationship once the reality of being in an actual relationship sets in. Needing her partner’s support isn’t what caused Judy’s breakup. The breakup was caused by his inability to be there for her when she needed him most. The true test of any relationship is how both parties handle problems and crisis. Ron’s behavior proved that he couldn’t go the distance.
As far as men with ex drama goes, I’ve found that the men who tell me that their long-term ex or ex’s were “crazy”, aren’t the most emotionally balanced types themselves. Sane people don’t want to be with crazies. Unstable people are the ones who are drawn to drama.
Margo 26
If a man can take you or leave you, leave HIM.
@Ruby, some men will create drama to make YOU call the rship off. It’s one strategy in their playbook. Another strategy they use to end it is to pull away, and when the woman questions it, the excuse is some version of they’re”really busy”. These are basics in their playbook.
Of course, it’s crappy behavior. These are the men who are not mature enough to have an adult conversation and tell you it’s not working for them. I hope neither of my sons grow up to use this BS on women.
If you are with a guy that pulls this stuff, you can know for a fact you are well rid of him.
loveiseverywhere 27
Thanks for your input on the rori raye blog. I really appreciate your perspective and your bravery. It’s a tough forum sometimes!
Anne 28
There are so many apologies and so few decisions. I believe love is based upon decisions first, not on passion. Passion must be but decisons to be faithful keep it alive.
Selena 29
The 3 month mark is often the defining point: is it love? Or infatuation wearing off? Apparently the latter here. Always a disappointment if you are the one for whom it hasn’t worn off (Judy).
I don’t believe in “unconditional” love. LIFE sets up conditions as it goes on – one doesn’t know how they will handle situations until they are presented. This guy may lack integrity, but I think it’s also possible he would have started pulling back even if Judy’s mother hadn’t passed. I get the impression Judy was more infatuated than he was. Timing…sometimes coincides with other events.
Mary 30
This post was perfect for me–my (ex) boyfriend of 2.5 years and I ended things 1 month ago. He had the ring, he told his parents, he just was “hesitating” and couldn’t go through with it. It’s been a terrible, terrible month, but better now than never.
Francesbella 31
I have been subscribing to this blog not very long, but I find the insight of EMK for his topics so helpful and get my brain tracking off on another tangent that had not even occurred to me.
I have read “Why He Disappeared” and have followed along on some of the blog topics; what I get from this one is did Judy allow the feelings evoked by the great sex to get in the way of the other things? I thought I read somewhere EMK suggested not having sex with the fellow until he considered himself your boyfriend. Maybe Judy’s bloke regarded their relationship as more of a casually mutual affair. Not excusing the behaviour, mind, but maybe it’s more common to view the situation from where our feelings dictate, and not from where the relationship really is.
Lily 32
Evan,
I like this, but like I mentioned at the other place, you are kinda like my new best friend. Judy’s experience is exactly why I am CDing. Maybe it’s fear based as well as the other things I mentioned.
Lily
Maeve 33
Oh–no, I don’t think so.
I agree with the substance of the advice you gave to Judy, who sounds like a wonderful person and who was being treated horribly by someone who should have had her best interests at heart. He did give her a gift, and once she’s over him, she’ll see that.
But the only time Judy or you or I or anyone else ever deserves unconditional love is when we are children, from our parents. Period. The search for unconditional love in adult relationships is not healthy. Adult relationships DO and SHOULD have conditions, like: treat me well, or I’ll leave you (Judy’s solution). Or: don’t cheat on me, or the relationship is over. Conditions are just another way of saying boundaries.
I love my daughter unconditionally. If she hit me over the head with a frying pan and burned the house down, I would still love her. But if a boyfriend ever hit me over the head with a frying pan and burned the house down, I’d lock him in jail.
I’ve been in Judy’s position, only, as you wrote, I found out after the wedding. It was an enormously painful situation that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I wish her the best of luck and hope she is able to heal, move on, and find someone who deserves her very soon.
Sayanta 34
Maeve
Think Evan means unconditional as in accepting flaws and circumstances, not domestic abuse
Venus 35
I don’t interpret unconditional love to mean putting up with unacceptable or dangerous behaviour. For me it means having someone who will support you throughout the changes in your life. Be there if you become ill, be there if you gain 10 pounds, be there if you lost your job, support you if your kid is incarcerated. etc. No one wants to be in a relationship where during your most vulnerable moments your support system completely disappears. Thats horrible. A good partner is willing to stand by you in good times AND in bad. No begging required.
Maeve 36
I’m not talking about abuse either, as you can see in my comment. There are and there should be conditions on adult relationships.
Someone who puts a condition of “I’ll be there for you so long as you don’t need me,” as in this post, is clearly an idiot. But everyone has conditions. For some people, it’s religion (“I’ll stay with you so long as we are in the same church,” or “so long as we are both atheist”). For other’s it’s hobbies, career (how many people do you know who would leave their marriage if their spouse decided to quit their job and take up surfing or golf?), politics, lifestyle–lots of things.
But it’s unhealthy to look for a relationship in which you will be loved unconditionally, or to look for someone to love unconditionally yourself. It’s better to look for a partner whose conditions you meet, feel comfortable with, and can commit to, and vice versa. Loving unconditionally has a way of trapping people in a bad situation with no easy or obvious exit. Frankly one could argue that if Judy loved her boyfriend unconditionally, she wouldn’t have left him when he proved shallow and unsupportive. That was her condition (after some coaching). It’s a good one.
starthrower68 37
I’m not sure where the impression that unconditiona love means putting up with bad behavior is coming from. I certainly don’t see it in Evan’s post. But there certainly is a difference between accepting poor treatment (which no one should do) and accepting someone’s shortcomings. Evan has said that he is neurotic. His wife loves him and accepts that as part of who Evan is. She is getting a loving husband because she accepts his weaknesses as well as his strengths. It is important to make the distinction between a weakness and an outright character defecit. Evan might be neurotic, but I suspect that does not get in the way of his love for his wife, and I’m sure it does not lead him to treat her badly. Does it annoy her? Perhaps on a bad day. But she accepts and forgives. If Evan were a liar and cheater, I’d hope she’d leave him. But he’s not. His wife loves him because. He probably tries to keep his neuroses in check so as not to be a nuisance to her, but she doesn’t try to change him, or threaten to leave if he doesn’t. Conditional love would be saying, “I will only love you if you have blue eyes” or “I will only love you if you have sex with me 50 times a week and if you don’t I will never speak to you again”. Unconditional love is unmerited favor.
Selena 38
Starthrower #37: “Unconditional love is unmerited favor.” That’s as good a definition as any, but it still assumes conditions (unmeritied) will always remain the same. And the level of tolerance will as well. My contention, ( and Maeve’s ?) is that no one can make such a prediction.
Flower 39
Sorry Judy for the loss of your dear Mother. Thanks Evan for your continued words of wisdom.
This community is so helpful and cathartic cathartic I lurk more than I post.
Judy a similar thing happened to me. Was dating a man for a few months when my Mother died not only did he refuse to go to the funeral with me he went on a scheduled vacation with a “platonic” ex girl friend during the period before Mom died. Though I was numb with grief I had the sense to dump him a month later.
Doesn’t matter what a man says it matters what he does. Again, my condoleances on your loss.
Sarah 40
Ron sounds just like an ex of mine. I too was going through a rough time (also having to do with my mother) and the a$$hole told me I was “too damaged” and dumped me. (He practically worshiped me when life was easy and I was happy.) I wish Evan had been there to knock some sense into me when I agonized over what I could have done differently so the a$$hole would still love me, and blamed myself (like the a$$hole did, using my being “damaged” as a reason for my unworthiness), and wished to get him back.
It sure is easy to see what a jerk the a$$hole is when it’s not your emotions going through the wringer. Much harder when you’ve fallen for someone you thought was wonderful and then he shows you how wrong you were to think that.
Preach it, Evan!
Jadafisk 41
Wouldn’t you have to radically redefine “unconditional love” to exclude bad behavior? When people talk about a deity’s unconditional love, or a mother’s unconditional love, they mean loving them despite bad behavior, rejection and abandonment (the very conditions that are rightly deemed cause for ending romantic relationships)… they mean presenting a person with a wellspring of forgiveness, and loving them even when they intentionally hurt you – that’s what makes it such a high standard of love that is so powerful for people and so emphatically praised by them. Plain old “love” covers the rest already. If someone leaves you because you gained 10 pounds or got sick, that wasn’t any kind of love at all.
Shouraku 42
From dictionary.com:
Unconditional: without conditions or limitations.
Based on the dictionary definition, I can see what Maeve (#33) is saying.
starthrower68 43
Jadafisk,
To answer your question, not necessarily, because you can forgive someone and still be aware you can’t be in relationship with them. Unconditional love doesn’t mean you put up with being mistreated. Nor does forgiveness. Let’s say I loved someone very much, who was an addict; when he was under the influence of that substance and can’t break free of it. He may or may not have been abusive when under the influence of that substance. Do I stay in relationship with him because of unconditional love? Absolutely not. I respect myself too much to do that, but I choose to forgive him. No, I won’t enter a relationhip with him again (unless he could break his addiction, but I can’t live life on that possibility). I don’t try to get back at him for how he treated me. I go on with life. I agree, your analogy of gaining 10 pounds is the antithesis of unconditional love.
Let me try this: I was chatting with a guy on line who I truly believe is one of the good ones. But he’s got too much drama in his life right now and needs to get his life together. I didn’t get angry with him because nothing is going to get off the ground. As a matter of fact, I encouraged him as best I could, let him talk when he needed to, all the while recognizing it probably wasn’t going to go anywhere because we are in two different places. I wish the best for him. It’s highly likely I will never hear from him again. But I treated him well anyway. That is unconditional love. It may be in a very broad sense of the term, and we weren’t “in love” but I’m certainly not without compassion toward him for where he’s at right now.
Elle 44
I could feel how painful it was for Judy – first her mother’s death, and the death of her “supposed-to-be” relationship with Ron. But it was good that she was able to have a session with you, Evan. It’s healthy that she will come to realize that she deserves more than what Ron can offer. She deserves unconditional love without any setbacks. Good luck on your next date and I hope you find the happiness you are worthy of.
Elle 45
great post evan.
Gem 46
Jadafisk, #41,
Ditto!!
SS 47
@Selena 29
LIFE sets up conditions as it goes on – one doesn’t know how they will handle situations until they are presented. This guy may lack integrity, but I think it’s also possible he would have started pulling back even if Judy’s mother hadn’t passed. I get the impression Judy was more infatuated than he was. Timing…sometimes coincides with other events.
I completely agree. This happened to me often when I was dating — while I never lost a family member (my condolences Judy) or had something tragic happen to me or a man I was dating, there was always SOMETHING that came up in the man’s life that served as a convenient excuse for why he couldn’t give me his full attention.
One guy said his mentally disabled older brother had been in a car accident. Now I know this wasn’t a lie… I met the brother. But, it wasn’t exactly coincidental that this man was started to express hesitation about the future of our dating life not long before the car accident happened. Then it became, “I’m really preoccupied with my brother and my the financial future of my business and my ex-wife’s demands.” Oh, and then his dad in Florida got sick and he had to fly there. I would call him, and he would never answer, yet he would have time to E-MAIL me a day later to “thank me” for my call and say he was enjoying the peace and calm and quiet of Florida. No word about getting back to me or when we would get together or the fact that he had said he would call that weekend.
All of this happened around that crucial three-month mark that’s usually make-or-break time for something more serious to develop. While all these things might have really happened in his life, I also think they served as GREAT excuses for his already expressed desire to pull back from me.
The fact that I put up with that showed that I learned few lessons from a very similar situation four years earlier, in which a man suddenly had all of these issues around the three-month mark. The business was failing (yes, I had a period of dating guys who owned companies), he was going to switch careers and needed to study a lot to pass an important exam, his mom was ill, etc.
So, while life does indeed happen and tragedies are a part of that life, I think also that the response to such situations often is little more than a case of He/She’s Just Not That Into You. Yes, the guy Judy was dating was probably more awful than many seeing that he did nothing when Judy’s mother died, but at the same time, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was already having reservations about making the relationship more serious and then the death of Judy’s mom gave him the “out” that he was looking for… or gave him more ammunition for his fears that he wasn’t ready for the responsibilities of a relationship, like comforting your partner in the face of tragedy.
Selena 48
@SS #47
You articulated what I meant better than I wrote.
Yes, I think Judy’s mother death may have made him realize he wasn’t “into” her enough to be a comforting partner. The 3 month mark is very often a pivotal point in a relationship – whether or not there is to actually BE a relationship.
Twilight Princess 49
It’s always nice to come to this website and read something like this and feel so refreshed.
Just from reading the information on this blog, I have been able to find a nice man that does all those wonderful things for me. It’s hard to believe I had it any other way.
Margo 50
@SS and Selena, Yep, all excuses from slimeballs looking for a way out.
Kathy 51
I agree with Evans advice. What about extinuating circumstances? I have a similar situation. My father recently passed away. My long-distance boyfriend has been out of work and just started a job the day before dad passed. We were discussing a plane ticket, purchased by me, so he could visit, before Dad passed. Without asking what I wanted, the boyfriend decided it was not “practical” for him to fly in for the funeral. I felt abandoned and hurt by his non-action. I understand he didn’t want me to pay for his flight….however, I feel a lot lower on his list of priorities than he claimed. Am I wrong for expecting him to at least ask what I wanted?
starthrower68 52
Ladies, this might be useful information too……
http://www.theonion.com/video/how-to-get-a-guy-to-notice-you-while-youre-having,19984/
Gina 53
This article is everything I have thought about this one guy who I gave so much to emotionally and got nothing in return. I have used the words “unconditional” love and him “doing me a favor” by pulling away and breaking up with me. I feel so much better after reading this article and just need to move on once and for all from the feelings I still have for this jerk who I believed I could see myself settling down with. But now you’ve opened my eyes and made me realize he has serious character flaws….no thanks!!!
Bill 54
@Kathy #51
Your new beau just started a job after being unemployed, and you wonder why he doesn’t come and (most likely) blow off his new-found income, in today’s economy?
Frankly I’d say his keeping his priorities- financial security should come first in his life.
This may sound a bit cold, but consider his perspective. If you’ve never been unable to find work for a significant period, it may be hard to empathize. I was once out of work for 2 years (worked any job I could find, but people won’t hire you when you’re “overqualified”)…I now will let nothing and no one get in the way of maintaining my income. I simply can’t afford to risk my financial security for anything – it’s a matter of survival.
Your boyfriend may be experiencing something similar. he’s certainly feeling some stress.
JS 55
Evan,
I just wonder….if Judy and her bf had been together longer, dont you think he would have been there for her. But three months is kind of a short time to be relying on someone emotionally. I feel like in the beginning (3 months give or take) we shouldnt tell our S.O. too much about our pain, issues, trauma, etc. I know as a woman it is hard not to….but I feel like men are never that invested until around 6months or even longer. Maybe I’m too guarded, I dont know.
But my feeling is most people can’t handle too much drama/trauma/grief/sadness at the beginning and…quite frankly, even in friendships a lot of people just arent equipped to deal with death. I had to deal with death as a child and I can tell you most people have a very hard time w/ death and become very uncomfortable around the subject of death b/c they have to face their own mortality.