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You know what it’s like to get devastated when a promising new relationship doesn’t work out? Well, take heart – you didn’t actually lose ANYTHING.
In fact, you gained the freedom to find the person you ARE meant to be with.
It may not seem to be the case, but I want to point out to you that it’s a blessing when your dead-end relationship finally comes to a close…
A client of mine shared a story with me recently.
A lawyer in her mid-50s, Carol said that she’d gone out with this new guy three times.
He was older, divorced, and a real gentleman.
Unlike many men she’d met online, this man made a great effort each time.
He’d make plans in advance, email her in between dates, compliment her when he saw her, pay for everything, and talk about having a future together.
He was even a great kisser!
But one night while the new couple was fooling around on the couch, things got a little weird.
To avoid going too far, too fast, Carol (after some heavy petting), said what I told her to say when putting on the brakes:
“I also want you badly, but I only sleep with guys that I know I’m in a committed relationship with. That doesn’t mean that we can’t do a lot of other fun things together, but I don’t want the man I have sex with to be hitting on other women on Match.com tomorrow.”
The idea behind this is to let the man know that you ARE into him, but that you have just this one very reasonable boundary.
Generally, guys can understand this.
If he’s really into you, this is his chance to step up and become your boyfriend. If he’s not, this is a clear sign to get out.
Either way, it’s impossible for us to disrespect a woman who says she only has sex in a committed relationship. Even if we’re not getting our instant gratification met, it’s impossible for a man to find fault with a sexual woman who values herself.
A man’s failure to step up to the plate and act like a boyfriend is Red Flag #1 that he’s not a keeper.
Alas, Carol never heard from her guy the day after, or the day after that, or ever again. And when she started thinking, she started to get upset with me. After all, it was my advice that had killed her relationship. For all she knows, maybe if she would have slept with him, he would have asked her out again.
Uh uh. Nope. Fuhgeddaboutit.
Setting down boundaries for sex is a truth test – and this guy failed with flying colors.
I’m not suggesting that you “test” men. Not at all. But a man’s failure to step up to the plate and act like a boyfriend is Red Flag #1 that he’s not a keeper.
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared.
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