Comments on: You Didn’t Lose The Person You Thought You Lost

By: starthrower68

starthrower68 — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 12:25:32 +0000

@ Margo #123,

I do agree with you about not excusing the bad behavior of men (not all, just the ones who behave badly). Since we can’t change it, we have to learn to successfully navigate it. So, when a guy bails because he didn’t get sex, it is as Evan says: he’s done you a favor. He’s revealed you sooner rather than later that it’s about sex, not you.

By: Gem

Gem — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 12:07:46 +0000

Margo,

I believe in showing men rather than telling them as much as possible, that’s all. Expecially in the embryonic stages of a relationship.

I think it’s more effective and has nothing to do with making excuses for men.

By: Sheba

Sheba — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 08:34:28 +0000

Thank you everyone for your support. I agree with Kenley and Margo. This was only the second time I had seen this man, so to me, we weren’t anywhere near even dating regularly much less dating exclusively.

I am trying to remember Evan’s advice on when to decide to have sex: is the guy doing it because he’s interested in sex or interested in you. Given that, I think he was being more motivated by his libido than any ideas of long term involvement.

By: Margo

Margo — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 05:02:27 +0000

@Gem-116. If it is really early in the dating relationship, I don’t believe any rational-minded man would think the woman was making him pull his pants back up because she wanted him to commit to her right then and there.

However, if he did think that, he could simply have an adult conversation with her when things cooled down (perhaps the next day), asking her to clarify what she was expecting from him at this point in their dating relationship rather then just bailing.

It seems to me that some of you are starting to excuse men’s behavior on this topic. Is a man that horney that he can’t wait several dates for sex?? If he has good intentions toward the woman, he’ll wait. If he’s just out to satisfy his libido, he won’t. It’s that simple. So, let’s stop making excuses please ladies.

I made the guy I’m currently going on dates with stop after he actually got “inside”. He’s still around…So, if things don’t work out with him, it won’t be because of that.

There is just no reason to make excuses for shady, self-centered behavior. Some of the reasoning that is being exhibited on this thread by women is the exact same reasoning/fear that will convince a woman that she needs to “give it up” to keep a man. Then he gets it too easy, determines she doesn’t respect herself enough, and bails.

Also, I don’t think it’s so much that using the word “commitment” is off-puting; I believe a woman’s tone makes the difference. If she says it in a nasty, uppity tone, yes, that’s off-puting. I wouldn’t say what Evan said about fearing the guy would end up “looking for women on Match.com” the next day. I think that’s a bit harsh. However, I wouldn’t have any problem saying “I only sleep with men when we are dating exclusively/ or in a relationship. There is no need to say committed; being in a relationship implies that.

By: Gem

Gem — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 00:04:45 +0000

Sheba,

I don’t think you did anything wrong, and do not feel guilty for not having sex!!
I even believe him when he says he respects your choice…. it’s just that I honestly think that the average man who wants to have sex while he getting to know a woman (and that doesn’t make him a scum-bag necessarily) hears either one of those phrases and thinks, A.) “Oh boy, I’m not going to be having sex for quite some time…” and B.) “Here’s a girl looking for a commitment and if she digs me, she’s going to be pushing for one and I barely know her.” He’s had a timeline for sex just laid out for him and, yes, I think it may scare some men off.

Those phrases, IMO throw mystery out the window. The latter one, at least, (and I don’t like that one either) is better because the woman is saying she thinks it’s too soon for a commitment while the first choice makes it seem like she’d have sex right then if he agreed to be exclusive. I’d rather the man think he hasn’t passed YOUR tests yet.

I think most nice guys will wait until a woman is ready for sex but it’s better, IMO, if he doesn’t know EXACTLY when it’s going to happen and what your conditions are. That way, if he meets them, you know it’s not because you gave him the map; it’s because he’s being himself.

Seriously, what is the point of those phrases? To explain to him that you’re not “that kind of girl” or to let him know that sex ain’t going to be happening for awhile? Why would we imagine that it’s sexy for a man to hear either of those things so soon in dating?

The way a woman carries herself without words should tell him what he needs to know about how casual you view sex.

By: kenley

kenley — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 21:29:16 +0000

Sheba,

I don’t think you did anything wrong. If he is gone, it just means that he was more interested in sex than in you. His interest in sex could very well mean that if you had sex with him, he still would have disappeared – and then you’d feel 1000 times worse than you do right now.

By: Margo

Margo — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 20:20:28 +0000

@Sheba-117, NO you didn’t do anything wrong. The guy is a scumbag.

By: Elizabeth

Elizabeth — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 20:09:25 +0000

Speaking for myself, I like the benefit of getting to know the character of, trust and like a man before I sleep with him, no matter how long or short it takes. I do also take into account his worldview on sexuality, and endeavor to find out as much about that as I can beforehand. But I don’t always stick to that if I feel a connection in the moment. I do prefer that a man does not sleep with others if he wants to sleep with me, because that is not what I would do. I consider it a measure of his character and think that it is greedy and narcissistic behavior. I can’t say that I “require” this, because, unfortunately, it is very difficult to know for sure if they are sleeping with anyone else, or cruising the dating sites, regardless of what they tell you, or how much you might feel trust. I can often put two and two together if the man is doing or not doing things that consistently make me feel uncomfortable and just let it fade away or cut it off. I don’t think it is very useful to wait to have sex until there is a formal commitment. Too much pressure, and how do I know I want to commit until I know if we have sexual chemistry? So, there is a marked difference between sexual exclusivity and commitment, but I wonder how men reconcile the difference in their minds?

By: Goldie

Goldie — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 18:18:55 +0000

@ ##114-116 – IMO, what could potentially scare a guy off in this scenario is if he thinks: “Uh-oh, she’s using sex as leverage to get me to commit.” Kind of like in that song “Paradise in the Dashboard Light” that was already mentioned on this thread.

By: Sheba Wheeler

Sheba Wheeler — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 18:18:32 +0000

I’m not sure I understand the difference between these two statements:
“I also want you badly, but I only sleep with guys that I know I’m in a committed relationship with.”
“I’m attracted to you but we have to stop. I only have sex when I’m in a committed relationship and it’s too early for that.”

I ask because this very thing happened to me this week and for the first time, I said, “I want you to know that I am attracted to you and I want you too, but I want us to stop because I want to have sex while in an exclusive relationship.”
The next day when we talked about it, I told him that I wasn’t trying to push him into a commitment, or cock tease him. That I just personally couldn’t handle casual sexual encounters any longer and wanted to refrain from sex until it could be a valuable experience.
He said he respected my choice, but hasn’t spoken to me since. I was devastated and starting to feel guilty for not having sex! I felt like I had done something wrong after I had finally done something right! Set a boundary and stuck with it. But now I have to deal with the pain that he’s gone and will likely not come back.
Was it a good strategy after all? I’m still working on that.