FYI – check out my little rant on online dating…does online dating work?

Damn, vino’s cold. Nope. Lessons are painful, and must be learned from. If one wants to improve their judgment and decision-making in relationships, you have to do some very difficult work, and try to change long-ingrained behavioral patterns. The touchy-feely crap of “hey, we all make mistakes” as rationalization needs to go the way of the dodo.

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” – Santayna

But we ARE human, and do make mistakes. Silver lining is that we can learn from them if we really want to. There’s the hard part.

Preamble done, a rational person who makes crappy relationship choices usually has many reasons for doing so, starting in childhood & moving forward. Healthy people have this ‘emotional intelligence’ very ingrained as a part of their behavior, often from a good childhood. It helps to start there.

Childhood – Did mom & dad get along? Was one domineering? emasculating? Bullying? physically abusive? Neglectful? Unnaturally close? Too coddling? Too accomodating? Brothers? Sisters? Interaction with them? Parental favoritism? These things and many others were factors in shaping who you are and how you interact with the world, and opposite sex, today. Great book – the Betrayal Bond.

The majority of us come from dysfunctional backgrounds that impair our ability to choose healthy relationships, since we weren’t raised with them, usually (50+% divorces, added to non-divorced dysfunctional families still together). It makes sense to learn from the past.

Parents Divorce – Needs to be mentioned with 50% in many states, and over 50% in many others. Did mom demonize dad during divorce? Speak ill of him to kids? Try to poison kids? Did dad bitch about mom? Did dad see kids? Did mom obstruct? These, and other factors play into tis dynamic also.

Adolesence/Adulthood – What are common traits of people you’ve chosen? Good & bad ones? Look for patterns. Look for things you’ve done. Have you chosen the hotter, crazier chick because you thought the sex would be great & you viewed it as the prize? Did you even think about her personality traits?

Inventory – Do one of where you are personally & professionally. What makes you happy? What do you bring to the table personally? What makes you happy outside of sex and money? That list gets more interesting.

Future – Where do you want to go personally & professionally? What traits do you seek in a partner? What must you have? What can’t you live with? Will your professional goals be incompatible with her work goals (you want to move overseas, she’s licensed only in your state).

Write it all down. Some of what you write will be hard rules, some guidelines. They will be good to refer to.

Some may not like the psychological stuff, or there is some analytical approach.

Long story short, as I have commented on before I totally had hunch he may be gay in college, but it was never confirmed. I was attracted to him and quite honestly, I LOVED him. I will admit it to this day that I still love him. But when we “dated” for six months, he never touched me. He told the world how much he loved me (hello Tom Cruise jumping on the couch for Katie Holmes) but I could not get the guy to do more than hold my hand. We only fought over the fact that he was only initimate with me when he was drunk, and I convinced myself that something was wrong with me. Which of course makes no sense because he begged me to be with him, and not vice versa. Oh and some other weird stuff and comments he made about other guys, but yeah, I chose to ignore it at first, and than I just had enough.

So what is my point? My instincts told me that my best friend could be gay. In college, we all talked about the possibility of it, but no one had an answer. I guess in the long run I do not regret not listening to my instincts because I did smarten up and recogninze I wanted a boyfriend who was attracted to woman, but so many girls just go along with it and wind up unhappy and unfulfilling marriages or relaitonships. The funny thing, he did get marired and has a kid, but to whom is another story. No, it is a girl but a girl who was so desperate for love herself (yeah I know her) that I guess it works for them.

I thank GD everyday that I had the stength to walk away from that relationship and finally listen to my instincts which were screaming at me every single day I was with him. It hurt like hell to lose the guy I counted on the most and truly loved, but unrequited love is less painful and lonely than a marriage without sex or intamcy.

We are all human, and as others wrote above we want to be coupled. It is only human to be a pair but I guess it is about what you are willing to be truthful abouth. I have always believed that there is nothing lonlier than being in a bad relationship. I never felt more alone being with someone I loved who could not and would not love me back.

Your instincts are those little things that knaw at you and wake you up in the middle of the night. Your instincts cry you to sleep at night, as mine did when I was sleeping alone and in seperate beds from the man who claimed he loved me to death. Your instincts follow you down the aisle as you stand there and tell yourself, “If it doesnt work out, well get a divorce.” And finally, your instincts never, ever fail you and will stay with you till you open your eyes and follow them. I did and I found a wonderful man (sorry I keep writnig this but its true) whom I cannot imagine my life without. But my instincts still miss my best friend who broke my heart, but my spirit!!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately many people don’t learn or keep repeating dating patterns – in that case you need to ask yourself WHAT is is you really want – LT committment? Just fun? hmmm…. And for those of us on the receiving end, don’t put up with someone who doesn’t offer you what you want. And realize that being in a bad relationship is worse than being alone.