You Want Someone Who Sticks By You Through Tough Times
My client Christie just told me a horrible story about her fiancé pulling away from her.
My client May recently informed me that her on-again/off-again boyfriend was off-again.
My client Selma has been so hurt by her last guy that she’s keeping all her relationships casual.
If you empathize with them, and you find that your love life, too, is a perpetual challenge, it doesn’t have to be that way. Really. It doesn’t.
By learning about men and what it’s fair to expect from them, you can let go of your frustration and confusion instantly.
It’s easy to be in a relationship when everything is perfect.
It’s easy to be in a relationship when everything is perfect.
You discover something new about your partner every day.
You send flirty texts when you’re out of town.
You can’t stop thinking about him – or the great sex you’re having.
You leave your weekends open, knowing that he’ll fill them with his presence.
This is new love, and truly, there’s nothing better.
But let’s say you’re riding high, when suddenly you get laid off? Or your mom gets sick and has to go to the hospital?
Any normal woman is going to have a rough time with either scenario. Feelings of sadness, powerlessness, and impotence. Depression, frustration, and low-self esteem.
At such times, you can’t be expected to be a ton of fun to be around, nor to have very much to give to a partner.
Which means that a man has be really invested in you to weather the bad stretches.
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44 Comments »Filed Under Dating
JA 1
Back when my wife and I were dating, I’d sit in her room with her while she rocked back and forth with severe menstrual cramps. I wasn’t always sure what to do or say, but I sat with her. I wanted to show her that I was willing to spend time with her even when she felt lousy.
nathan 2
Excellent post! Totally right on.
Robyn 3
Evan –
You have written some great articles over the years, but this one has to be the best of the lot (in my opinion, anyway). Really insightful!
What you describe is incredibly important in all relationships, not just in “love”/marriage/long-term partnerships.
Anyone can be a good partner when the going is good (a.k.a. “fair-weather friend”).
But it’s when the going gets tough that you see the real person / true character of some one.
As Rudyard Kipling said:
“If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
….
….
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man my son!”
Thanks for reminding me of what really DOES count when it comes to finding Mr. Right!
Kerri 4
Thanks, Evan. I love reading your blog and finding new ways to appreciate my wonderful guy. Nowhere near perfect (just like me) but over and over again, a truly awesome human being and pretty stellar boyfriend. Thanks for helping me continue to see that.
Speed 5
Evan, I just have to say it: this is the very best blog post you’ve ever made.
Sophie 6
Evan,
Great post. A point I want to add: I also believe that in many cases you don’t get to see the true character of a man until you witness how he handles a life challenge or crisis of his own. I’ve known men who seem to sail ok in good days, but the moment he loses his job for example, he either turns into selfish-to-the-core monster or completely loses his will of strength. If he has to struggle in anyway, he couldn’t care the life/death of you. You don’t even exisit for him. Men like that are ALSO NOT KEEPERS. They either can’t handle the hard times, or they love themselves SO MUCH MORE than you.
Fawn 7
@6 – you have made a spectacular point. I’ve been going through some hard times with health issues and family issues and my boyfriend has been there 100 percent for me. At the same time, I work hard not to let it interfere with our relationship. I know that life goes on and you just have to do the best you can to be there everyday. He is a gift and I intend to appreciate him and enjoy him – through the hard times and good times.
Diana 8
Evan,
This post brought tears to my eyes. My boyfriend is currently unemployed and actively seeking gainful employment. I have helped him redraft both his resume and cover letter, and just yesterday I contacted a close friend who is going to set up a couple of interviews for him. His unemployment is the only factor holding us back from tying the knot. I love him deeply. I used the sound advice you offer in “Why He Disappeared” and our relationshiphas grown closer over time (I was one of the first 25 to order your book). No, he is not lazy. Yes, he is a well-educated professional. Yes, I am honored to be his girl. Today’s advice is truly golden.
Tish 9
SOPHIE #6 – OMG, were you there when it happened to me??? LOL I couldn’t have said it better cuz that’s EXACTLY what happened. He suffered setbacks with his finances (cut in work hours), Real Estate market crash (foreclosure) and instead of allowing me to be a friend to him or manning up and focusing on what his next move needed to be, he became that “selfish-to-the-core” monster. Told me that he wanted to date other women, became a complete jackass. Cut me completely out of his life and went from calling every day 2-3 times a day to once a week and having the nerve to ask for sex after turning against me! HA! I CUT HIM OFF and stopped even having him over for a year and a half until I finally told him to stop calling me all together. I gave him back his ring and severed all ties. I’m so glad that I did not allow him to use me. I’m so at peace because of my decision and I haven’t looked back. He on the other hand stays in touch with my family, (whatever). Like you said, he was not a keeper. I’d rather be alone in peace than to be miserable with somebody who as Sophie so eloquently put it “couldn’t care the life/death of me”. Oh and don’t get me started on the “loving themselves so much more than you”, this guy became an arrogant, conceited jerk! I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing. After 8 years of him not being able to get enough of me, one setback and he fell apart and basically said, “screw you, it’s all about me”.
Ok, I digress . . . . .good post Evan!
NN 10
I have picked my friends based on that principle for years..
I had a difficult time once, when I really needed the emotional support of my friends, and those friends that are left from that time, and those I have met afterwards are chosen based on that reliableness.
I don’t have that many friends, only 5.. rest are acquaintances.
I have a male friend from that time who helps me with my CV, and all that.. but no, since he is not sexually exciting in my eyes. I gave it up after trying to date him for a summer, and allowed him to find someone who finds him hot… And we still are good friends, and our mutual supportative friendship has lasted for almost decade. =).. and his girlfriend is ok with it, as she understands that history is history, and she is also good friends with her most exes.
Why would I settle less when looking for a man for myself?
Friend in need, is a friend in deed. If he doesn’t fullfill my requirements, he is not to be taken seriously, and I pass him.. no matter how hot.
But still on the other side – a man needs to be hot, or he is just a friend.
I don’t need a man who is educated, not who has money.. nor do I care if he wants children, all those are secondary in my opinion. Important facts are good character, reasonably similar look of life and intellectual level AND sexual hotness.
I am not settling with my essential requirements, I’m rather single than in a relationship that doesn’t satisfy me in all important levels.
Sophie 11
To Tish #9, it happened to twice. One turned against me by trying to make money off me; the other wilted into a state of complete uselessness. I tried to comfort them, encourage them, care for them in every way – I was so emotionally exhausted I was sinking with them. At that moment, I saw the true color of their character: selfish men who are fundamentally only interested in their own survival or men who are intrinsically weak, incapable of being a strong anchor for himself or for YOU in YOUR times of need. These men simply don’t make good life partners because life challenges are both inevitable and bountiful. Aren’t you glad we find this out BEFORE marriage?? I dodged a bullet as Evan said.
Kim 12
Thank you Evan for a great post! I agree with the other posters here that this is one of your best. I am reminded here why I am no longer dating the jerk who viciously dumped me and then immediately started seeing a well-to-do widow when I was a struggling grad student/single mom with two kids. His complaint was that I never had any money to do things. His “sugar mama” now takes him on expensive vacations. WHATever. MAJOR bullet dodged there. I am also reminded that even though I have been out of work now since March, my new guy is still supportive, still sticks with me, and hasn’t disappeared. He offers suggestions on my job searches, help on interviewing, and is there to listen to my rejection rants. Oh yeah, and he is loving, calls everyday, and we see each other weekly, even though we live over an hour away from one another. He is fully functioning emotionally and physically, as he calls it, and I couldn’t be happier! Now, if I could just land that dream job, life would be perfect …
Evelyn 13
What if HE is the one going through trauma? What is he wants time alone to deal with his trauma? Then you are the one being asked to be selfless, and not get your way, and give him what he needs. He is not there for you, he doesn’t want to be around you, but he is asking you to support him by backing away.
Is it selfish to judge him for wanting time and space to deal with his own career/family difficulties? Or should we be more supportive, as women, of men’s need for space and time to themselves when they ask for it at difficult times?
Or is the fact that he wants to be alone to deal with his traumas a bad sign? Evan?
Catharine 14
I have been reading your blog for several months now and have finally accepted the fact that the man I thought I would marry was not “The One”. I’m not young. I have been married and divorced twice and have a grown son. My parents had a strong marriage and a wonderful friendship in spite of the fact that my mom had MS for 25 years. She was a total invalid for the last 5 years of her life. My dad died a year ago at 85 after spending 21 years by himself. My parents had their ups and downs. My dad was an alpha male and my mother adored him, but she was the tough one when push came to shove. My parents did not bail on each other and at times it would have been easy to do just that. They showed my sister and I by example what unconditional love truly is.
I am so glad that you are sharing your thoughts on this subject. I wish someone had said to me at 23 that I should expect more and wait until I find it. I have told my son the same thing. Fortunantly, the ex he wanted to marry showed her true colors ahead of time, saving him a lot of grief. I hope he will benefit from my mistakes.
AQ 15
Like I said when I dumped my last boyfriend who didn’t want to sell his house or give up his things to commit or put up with my ex having cancer and the terror that ensued on my family – it is a heckuva time to break up but an even worse time to settle and I dumped him without a flinch after 1.5 years. Now, looking back, I think you can see this trait early on – how likely are they to be inconvenienced to fit you in the schedule and to mesh to your life? How hard do you have to work to “keep” them happy?
Dodge a bullet is right! I love your blog because it shows I am not the only one on this difficult journey to find MRRIGHT for me@
Terri 16
Bad times in a relationship are supposed to draw a couple together. Frequently, however, we read about couples who separate and divorce after he loses his job or the serious illness of a child.
When you love your mate, IMO you want to be there to help them weather a personal crisis. A person who withdraws or disappears when emotionally needed is not someone with whom you want to spend your life.
pd 17
This happened to me recently, I ended up in hospital having an emergency operation and after leaving my boyfriend a message on his voice mail to let him know where I was, I received an sms saying ”poor darling etc etc” and then I didn’t hear from him again for nearly 4 weeks.
He rang and asked how I was and could he see me again soon. “Gee sweetie, haven’t heard from you for ages, can’t wait to see you again, let me check my schedule … Oh, let me see, I should be free sometime in 2015 …”
He said he is so sorry, where did the time go, busy with work, blah blah blah!
What a jerk! And what a good thing I found out now before I got too invested in this man.
Evan’s advice is spot on as usual. Dump the dick!
Susi 18
@Pd – what???!! 4 weeks later?? the total self-centerdness of some people never ceases to amaze me! Thank god you found our sooner rather than later.
Trenia 19
What a great post! And I wish more people understood this concept. I completely agree with NN #10, I ended a lot of friendships in recent years after I went through a series of personal issues and setbacks in the span of 9 months. It showed me who my real friends were, but this is now a measure for ALL of my relationships.
@JA#1, kudos to you, that was absolutely golden what you did for your wife while she had cramps.
JB 20
I was in a relationship with a woman for almost a year when all at the same time she found out her sister was dying of Lou Gehrig’s disease,her ex-hubby was taking her back to court to lower child support payments,and she was going through/starting menopause.All this happened within 3 weeks.Sadly she never gave me the chance to show how I would’ve supported her and helped her through this tough time.She stopped returning calls,accepting dates and faded away from me without even a “goodbye” right after New Year’s of course.Fast forward 5 years,now she lives with her mom,her sister has “passed”,she no longer gets child support because kids are older,I assume menopause is close to or IS over and I see her smiling face,horribly written profile on Match everyday saying she’s looking for a man that can have a “healthy relationship”??? Unbelievable !!!….LOL
SS 21
@Evelyn #13
I’ve been through this before, and usually when a man reacted that way, it was very early on in the dating relationship. I have no idea how he might have been if we had been together for a while.
My thoughts in that situation is that when a tough time comes up, he’ll decide to sacrifice the budding relationship to focus on whatever issue it is, and will push the woman away in the name of “needing space.” I used to be the type to give the man that space he needed (although I’d always try to reach out in the name of showing how much I cared), but the relationships always came to an end because he ultimately decided that he had too much going on in his life to focus on me. But I’m a great woman of course and would make someone else very happy…
I usually got really bad advice from other women on this topic too. They suggested I check in on the guy all the time, bake cookies, bring him soup, etc., to show that I was there for him. But honestly, he really didn’t deserve all that at that point… I think it’s probably best in such cases to give him that space understanding that it has a good chance of being a permanent separation.
nathan 22
The giving men space thing is tricky, given what SS and a few others are pointing out. I tend to need some time to process alone, and to reflect on what is going on – and too much attention during those times feels smothering and excessive.
However, I also know that during one relationship, that ended about 4 years ago, I pushed away too much a few times, and it definitely impacted things in a negative way going forward.
It all comes back to trust. If you’re a man pushing away your partner whenever your suffering, you’re probably don’t have much trust in her or the relationship. And if you’re a woman who doesn’t give any space, who thinks that any “alone time” for a guy during that period of struggle is a problem, then you’re also probably not trusting him or the relationship.
Finding the balance point between a person’s natural way of coping, and what the relationship together calls for, seems key.
Terri 23
About a man wanting “space”, what I have heard from friends is that this translates – eventually – into a BREAKUP!
It is rare, but not impossible, for him to decide he misses you terribly and wants to commit to a permanent relationship.
This “space” usually means he wants to have more time to date another woman and see how this relationship develops. If it does not, you will be waiting in the wings to take him back.
If a man really cares about you, he will not want to risk a period of separation when YOU might connect with someone else. Space = “I want to think about how expendable you are.”
nathan 24
Terri, to me it depends on the definition of “space” here. If I’m not living with a partner, and I’d like a few days to sit with something happening in my life, I don’t think that’s out of line or an indication I have some ulterior motive. And if I’m living with someone, asking for less time probably (based on having a stronger level of trust, which I know isn’t always the case) also shouldn’t be an issue.
If you’re speaking about “space’ in terms of weeks or even months of time, I totally agree. I even have been there. One of my long term relationships basically ended after her call for space turned into “I’m seeing someone else.”
SS 25
Nathan @24,
I agree that a few days of space is reasonable. I hope that a woman could give a man that amount of time for him to handle things the way he wants and to clear his head. I learned this along the way too — while women might want to draw closer (generally) to a man at a time of need by spending more time with him, a man might want to create space for a short period of time and then after emerging from that period of solitude, return to his partner.
But weeks or months? Yeah, something else is going on. Or if the “space” period ends but the person is still emotionally distant and finds more reasons not to spend time with you, those are indications of a larger problem.
Annie 26
@#6
I really don’t understand your reply in response with Evan’s post.
He seems to be saying, that if your partner cannot support you when you are struggling , then they are not the right one.
You mentioned partners of yours who struggled, and when they did so they became selfish?
When people are struggling, they really really WANT their needs to be put first to help them. They aren’t being selfish they just want to be supported. If you don’t do that, then you are not the supportive partner.
Everything you said, seems to be the opposite of What Evan Said.
Sophie 27
Annie #26 – you understand incorrectly what I said. Please read #11 and Tish #9 and see if that helps you better. I was agreeing with EVERYTHING Evan said, I simply added that not only it’s revealing to see how a man deals with YOUR struggles, it is also telling to see how he deals with HIS OWN struggles. What Tish and I experienced was that despite WE being the extremely supportive partners when they had setbacks, they turned into extremely selfish monsters. The “ME” loomed so large they began to do things TO OUR DETRIMENT, they couldn’t care about anyone else in the world. It is OK to support us less or not support us at all when they were struggling (I am nodding to your point), but it is NOT acceptable to HURT us, take advantage of us, shut us off, use us as punch bags or try to make money off us.
Bridget 28
I’ve been in an on again off again relationship for quite some time. When we were off, I developed pneumonia so severly I was unable to take care of myself. He picked me up and let me stay at his house in his bed. I was there for almost 3 weeks, he also took care of my dog and cat too. That says alot especially since we weren’t even together. He knew I had no where else to go He risked catching pneumonia, and gave up his bed for my comfort. When I finally got better he told me he enjoyed taking care of me.
Terri 29
Bridget #28
Where are you in your relationship with him now? Sounds like he has feelings for you to extend himself in that way.
Nathan and SS:
Re my thoughts about a man needing space, I feel that a few days or a week is not a problem but longer than that period of time is an issue.
Evelyn 30
Thanks for all the feedback, ladies (and men). Relationships sure seem tricky sometimes, and I think it is definitely during times of crisis that you can discover real issues, or find real treasures in people. Good luck to everyone!
sharon 31
@JB
I may be taking this out of context but you sound a little giddy at the thought of ex’s misfortunes. It’s comes across a little creepy.
Alice 32
My daughter went throgh a rough patch of health issues and had to drop out of college – her boyfriend dumped her in the midst of this. Daughter wanted to go back to him and was so sad when he said he only wanted to be friends with her. She wanted him back! I told her it was a good thing that she find out now that he’s not going to be there for her. I basically told her what Evan said in his post. Because they’d had some good times and he was everything she thought she wanted (smart, good-looking), she thought he was the one. I hope she has learned from this experience that smart and good-looking are secondary to loving you through the good and bad times. I think it spoke a lot for him when she told him she was grieving for the relationship and very sad and he said he didn’t believe in grieving.
Good post, Evan!
NN 33
I read today this good article in Psychology Today – 6 clues to character
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201104/6-clues-character
It sums up pretty well (and way better than I could) what to look for in a persons character to measure a partners character. What you need in a good relationship is for everyone to decide him/herself.
Still you shouldn’t fool yourself.. It takes 2 to tango. You should measure yourself too with same criteria, to see where/how you could be a better partner for your meaningful other.
JB 34
@Sharon #31….when someone blows you off after 11 months without even a “goodbye,it’s over” you tend not to walk away and say “gee….I hope they live happily ever after and wish them nothing but the best” Karma’s a bitch.”Giddy” is not the correct word.And yes I can be very creepy sometimes……Bwahahahahahahahaha !!!!!!
Ruby 35
NN #33
Excellent, thanks for posting this.
m 36
See …
this post is common sense to me.
I was under the impression that the kind of man Evan describes under his “for better or for worse” question is the kind of man we ladies were all trying to find.
I thought that the hard part is that it doesn’t seem like there are an awful lot of them out there available for dating. It seems like there are many more of the “bullet to be dodged” types in the pool.
I do also find it interesting that a lot of the Usual (male) Suspects, who have an awful lot to say about what women should and shouldn’t be doing, and looking, and looking for, and looking like …
have been very very quiet. In fact, haven’t weighed in at all.
Things that make you go “hmmmm …”
Joe 37
I’m gonna play devil’s advocate and say that if you’re gonna dump a guy for not “coming through” for you in a crisis, you’d better be damn sure he knew you were expecting something extra from him, and that he wasn’t having his own crisis.
There’s also a fine line between needing support in a crisis and being a needy drag, and that line is different for everyone.
Tish 38
SOPHIE #11: Thanks for the response to my post Sophie (#9) – Yes, I am soooo glad that I found out that my efforts of being there for him would not be reciprocated, before I married him. Needless to say, I was always the one who was nurturing, comforting, giving, etc. I should have seen it coming but I was so in denial. Today, I am at peace and carefree. A guy flirted with tme the other day asking if I have a boyfriend. He complimented me on how young and pretty I looked. laughing, I replied, you know why I look so young? Because I dont’ have a boyfriend! LOL Surely, I was joking. I love men, but that’s just it, I love MEN. Not scared, selfish little boys.
Michael17 39
Well, I’m actually not sure I agree with this article. If a woman were to try to use me as her therapist or her ATM machine, or if her life just seemed to be a downer, I couldn’t see myself sticking around. I don’t think most self-respecting men would.
There is a line (perhaps wide and blurry) between being a worthwhile woman going through a tough time, and just a downer who dumps “too much” on the guy she is dating.
m 40
Michael17, in response to what you’ve said, if
“someone who can be strong for you in a crisis”
translates for you into
“try to use me as her therapist or her ATM machine”
then have you considered at all that perhaps it’s not the ladies’ point of view that needs some adjusting …?
Katrina 41
Listen girls. My husband of ten years is divorcing me in the middle of breast cancer treatments. I can’t even begin to describe the pain of stage III cancer and much less the pain of going through divorce in the middle of it. If a guy shows these colors dating RUN RUN RUN!!!!!!
Bernadette 42
Ive always been there for my boyfriend, 2 months ago i had a back injury and at that time i saw his true colours, he couldnt even be bothered to come and visit me, yet he was always professing his love for me and how much he cares for me… In times of need he want there for me, yet when he was facing some work issues, i was there for him all along…
I have since dumped him and im better off single until i meet someone who is real.
rc 43
Every situation is different I guess. I met my ex while he and his wife had been talking of divorce. She filed and we started seeing eachother. It was 2 years of ups and downs but for the most part we were supportive. I noticed as the divorce process was nearing the end he got cold and distant and depressed. The divorce was an emotional and financial burden and I noticed he began to drag his feelings of guilt and anger into our relationship. He was hit or miss if something stressful was going on with me during this time. It was like he needed all his energy to stay afloat himself. This is when he started getting irritated and saying things like he needed space even tho I only saw him once a week but would text him daily to see how he was and to keep a form of communication ooen between us. This is where I should have asked for face to fave communication because texting seemed to be impersonal and kinda left a hole between us.
He decided he needed to spend all his energy in himself at this point and I was already drained from trying to be supportive. He said he hadn’t dealt with the consequences of the divorce and he wasn’t prepared to face friends and family because they would think it was our relationship that ended their marriage which was already dead years before I met him. He also felt like our relationship could affect his divorce case and his job (we work together). All these seem valid but it still hurts that he shunned me away so coldly.
I believe he was trying but his paranoia and depressed state turned him into a monster. I am currently trying to live my life as I see fit and I still care for him as he told me he does me. This only pains me worse in a way to hear him confess he still loves me and has feelings for me. Because I wonder if he really did, he would try to be positive and look for ways to make thibgs work for us.
Righy now we are trying to be friendly and at times I feel his the man I fell in love with but its like a switch goes off in his head and tells him he is being too nice. Then he turns cold. He made a comment before we split that we became tok emotionally attached. It made me confused because I don’t see whats the problem in that. I guess he wasn’t planning on becoming so conncected with me? I do know him and his wife had a relationship like you’d have with a roommate. No emotions, cold, separate, doing things on their own and for themselves. He mentioned several times how he felt undesired and unimportant to her. He said she was selfish and negative and cold and judgmental but always kept up appearances outside of the home to everyone. I truly believe he has absorbed her mentality and persona, as it has been all he’s known during their 17 years of marriage. He had always said that I opened his eyes to what love and being in love is all about. But I guess when the going gets tough, he reverted back to what he knew best in his former relationship dynamic.
Its rough right now because although I am concerned for him still, I don’t want to show too much care because he feels I have ulterior motives. Similar to what he would say of his wife. Going thru a relationship without trust for so long really wrecks potential in future relationships. I have cut texting and everything else. When we see one another at work, I feel torned. I told himif he wants to talk we can but I’m not going to go out of my way to talk to him.He seems to need ttime to deal properly with his negative sense of self worth and guilt and paranoia. When we talk now he is kinda closed off as tho he’s not sure how to act. I welcome him to seek me for support but I have had to tell him I have major boundaries now with him and will not accept hot and cold behavior from him even tho we aren’t technically a couple. I don’t know what our cards hold because I get mixed signals from him. Signals that he misses me but he’s still having internal battles.
Sometimes when people have struggles they do get selfish because they aren’t capable of balancing their time and heart all around. He is my best friend, but I wonder what exactly is the best way to be supportive? He has shown his true colors by showing me a side of him in the past days that he is emotionally imbalanced. I told him I understand he is going thru a lot but his self absorbed actions and words to me is unacceptable. Regardless of what you might be going thru, just remember that when you push away those that care the most you might push them so far away that you might never get them back. And if you truly do care for those people, you’d try your best to see them in a positive light instead of thinking they’re out to sink you further.
I used to blame myself for not heloing more or being more supportive. But in the process while I was trying to be a great gf, I was losing myself because his negative outlook was stealing the energy I needed to stay afloat. It was take take take from him as I gave gave gave during his storm. He began to feel trapped and even referenced me to being like his wife when it couldn’t be farther from the truth. I believe he just began to relive all the negative feelings he experienced from him wife. Now I know it could have been HIM all along who was the negative force in his marriage. I don’t not think about that at times because I know people sometimes only see the bad in situations and people without looking at themselves too.
I vented long enough….
I plan on being there for him when he seems to need me most. But I am carefully guarding my heary while I try to balance how much to be there.
Sparkling Emerald 44
This article is spot on !!!!!!!!!!!
I married my “fair weather husband” when we were still in the rose colored glasses phase, and never really saw each other in a crisis. The only glimpse I had of his fair weather quality was the fact that he would get pi$$y when my allergies flared up, because he couldn’t stand the sound of my sneezing and sniffling. (that right there should have been a red flag, or at least a pink flag)
Yes he was a wonderful hubby on our honeymoon. Yes, he was father of the year when our son was a beautiful new born, and an angelic toddler. (Our son was an exceptionally mellow and co-operative toddler, never really went through the terrible two’s etc.)
Flash forward 10 years to parents getting sick and dying, our once exceptionally well behaved toddler, now a mouthy, messy teen telling his mother to “F off” in response to a simple request to take out the garbage, me being constructively terminated from a job, me getting depressed and anxious over trying to care for my sick mom for several years while my dad ranted and raved about the inconvenience of having such a sick wife (yet refusing to pay anyone to provide ) respite care for her) all while I was going through menopause. His biggest beef with my depression/anxiety ? He had to clean the bathroom once, and he had to pick up our son at the hospital when we BOTH had menengitis, and I wasn’t cooking very much in my depressed and anxious state. So all he was concerned about when I was going through hard times was that I wasn’t able to provide maid service and home cooked meals (and not much sex either) Without consulting me, he made a decision to divorce me, when our son was grown. So even tho I recovered from my depression/anxiety, and came back even STRONGER than I was before, got another BETTER job than the one that I was constructively terminated from, when our son was almost 21, hubby said that we were through, because of my episode 10 years earlier.
EMK is absolutely right on with this. DON’T stick around with a fair weather boyfriend. They will not keep those marriage vows of “sickness and health” “richer or poorer” “better or worse”. If you get sick or poor they will RUN.