Your Man Doesn’t Have To Leave You Breathless
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The longer I do this, the clearer it becomes.
What we think we want is often not good for us. What’s good for us is something we often pass up.
What’s good for us is something we often pass up.
I was musing out loud today to a client about how easy it would have been for me to pass up my own wife, who didn’t remotely fit the description of what I was looking for. This client really wanted to know how to avoid getting hurt – how to nip it in the bud when she’s involved with a high-risk player.
I told her that I had to give her the hardest lesson I have to teach: You Can’t Avoid Getting Hurt!
Because if I decided, after 14 months, that I just couldn’t pull the trigger on the 38-year-old Catholic divorcee with the heavy credit card debt, it wouldn’t have meant that my wife did anything WRONG…it wouldn’t have meant that I was a liar or a jerk or a player… the ONLY thing it would have meant is that I was too high and mighty to appreciate a good thing and hadn’t learned a goddamn thing from being a dating coach.
Really, there’s NOTHING to learn when the only problem is that your guy doesn’t want to marry you.
In that case, it’s him, not you. But if you always bail out – or avoid dating – to avoid getting hurt, you never reap the rewards.
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56 Comments »Filed Under Chemistry
starthrower68 1
Ah, I was waiting for this post! Again, you are spot on. I have experience to back this up, that if a man leaves me breathless, it means I’ve just gotten stupid, and the best thing to do is run far far away. It is counterintuitive to get involved with someone for which we don’t really have feelings one way or the other. However, I’ve yet to find a better way to remain grounded and centered from getting too involved too soon.
Here’s where it’s going to look like I’m being difficult, which is not my intent: some people, myself included, are naturally risk averse; not only that but some have insecure attachment styles. I’m not saying that those impulses are correct, but I am saying they are incredibly strong and difficult to overcome. For instance, I tend to be avoidant. I know it’s wrong and why, but sometimes it still kicks in, even if I do everything I can not to follow the impulse. I am not the type that smothers the other person if I feel neediness creeping in; on the contrary, I’ll internalize and withdraw.
Just another perspective that makes the dicussion interesting.
moon 2
Hmmm… I am not relating to this one at all. I don’t think “breathless” is what I’m looking for, nor wealth, nor, “hotness.” Someone that is interesting to have conversation with, who has the innovation to think beyond the coffee date and actually get on-line, look in the paper or read flyers around town to choose a date, so that I don’t have to constantly be the one coming up with it. Someone who is warm hearted and respectful of others…
Actually, maybe I’m wrong, because those things do leave me breathless!
moon
sayanta 3
Evan-
I actually read Reva Seth’s “First Comes Marriage” because of your recommendation. Great read- I def recommend it to others. One thing Reva mentioned is that your husband should never be your best friend- because that’s what puts too much pressure on the relationship- best friends should be relegated to same-sex people outside (or inside) the family only- I think I’m adding the same-sex part, but you get my drift.
You mentioned the word ‘best friend’ regarding partnership above- don’t know if I’m reading too closely here, or if that was just a casual wording that came to you.
Should we strive for ‘best friends’? I’ve never had solid friendships with men, so I can’t even begin to comprehend a man being my ‘best friend.’ Only because the things that you can share with your girlfriends, aren’t things you can necessarily share with a man.
LK 4
I don’t know about this. It’s pretty easy to spot players — though I have been tripped up once or twice. But my boyfriend of almost 8 months left me pretty breathless pretty quickly, and he is not a player AT ALL. I’m really glad I held out for chemistry even though I often wondered if I would ever find it. But we just fit together in an unforced way that I’ve never experienced before.
Brenda 5
I find myself meeting men online recently who not only don’t leave me breathless but I feel like halfway during the date I want to check their pulse and make sure they are still alive!
I am just looking for normal and that seems to be in short supply these days…….the older they get, the more baggage they have. I am 53, and most of the men who find me online have baggage the size of a freight train………..I like to say that mine is the size of carry-on
andie 6
I agree, Brenda. I’m just looking for normal, too. I can deal with all sorts of things…my last boyfriend was 5’2″ and had braces.
But, lately I’ve been running into things where I just have to draw the line. There was the man who disciplined his child with a belt…draconian in this day and age. Another who liked to bully people for fun. And, a third who never brushed his teeth…honestly…they were black in places and stained everywhere else. Some how these things never become apparent until I meet them. They were all lovely on the phone and over email. And, I screen like crazy before I invest my time and energy on a date. At this rate, breathless is the least of my worries.
Brenda 7
Oh, Andie, that’s horrible. I agree with you -many of these things you just don’t know until you date someone for awhile – although the man with the bad teeth might have turned up a bit earlier unless he didn’t smile much
I have children (11 and 13) and I find that men who have not had children invariably are not used to the time it takes to be a good parent (my kids are gone 40 % of the time to my former’s house) and want someone who is foot-loose and fancy-free………..so for me, that issue becomes a dealbreaker pretty quickly …….
Honey 8
I did stay with guys who treated me badly longer than I should have, but that was when I was in my late teens/early twenties when I thought that if I didn’t marry one of my first five sexual partners I was a slut. After I left the single digits in the dust I re-evaluated
But I’ve NEVER dated someone who left me breathless, which I am interpreting here as someone who is so physically attractive or wealthy that I overlooked their character to date them.
Adult Casual Contacts 9
I do not think that a man/women must leave the other part breathless or hotness, first of all it must be a man, definitely a huge debt is not very comfortable, but it’s something that can be overpass.
Anyway, i think that it’s important to find that “chemistry” between the two.
LK 10
“But I’ve NEVER dated someone who left me breathless, which I am interpreting here as someone who is so physically attractive or wealthy that I overlooked their character to date them.”
That is not my interpretation at all. I think of it more as a je ne sais quoi personality “click”. It happens with friendships, too. When I first met most of my close friends, there was something about them that made me want to know them better. So, I did. For me it works the same way with dating. I don’t want to date someone just because there’s nothing wrong with him. You need to have something compelling about you to get to a second date.
Selena 11
Re:#8
I’ve never dated anyone who left me breathless either. I have dated guys I was highly physically attracted to, but found infatuation evaporated once their character was revealed.
JuJu 12
Moon #2: “who has the innovation to think beyond the coffee date and actually get on-line, look in the paper or read flyers around town to choose a date, so that I don’t have to constantly be the one coming up with it. ”
Why is it this way, btw? I also always have to be the one with ideas, because no one I meet knows as much about the cultural events in our city (or, apparently, has interests as varied), or thinks outside the box enough to come up with something original.
starthrower68 13
I’m incline to agree with LK; at this point integrity, good moral character, and – as Evan has described him – the nice guy with masculine energy might leave one a little breathless since such is difficult to find.
Ruby 14
I basically agree with this, but I do see a contradiction here. I think you make this “leap of faith based on trust and character”, AND attraction. It doesn’t have to be of the “OMG, he is so hot and handsome!” variety, but it does have to be there. I don’t know how you get to be “on the same page sexually” without attraction.
My biggest problem an over-45 single is that many if not most of the men I meet have a “been-there-done-that” attitude towards marriage and even just being in a relationship. They are still not over the bad divorce/break-up they went through 5, even 10, years ago. So I would agree with Brenda #5.
moon 15
Men who capitalize and punctuate leave me breathless. Yes, ladies, it’s come to that!
moon
Diana 16
If you do not want to feel the pain from getting involved with a high-risk player, then you make the choice to not get involved with a high-risk player. This also solves the question of how to nip it in the bud.
I still have the same standards today as I did many years ago: funny, intelligent, respectful, hard working, fun, and responsible. The only new standards are integrity, and good with communicating. But finding a good man who also accepts and loves me for who I am, too, and who’s life path is similar to my own is no easy task. Timing is everything.
There is always going to be an element of risk involved with dating, whoever you date, including the possibility of getting hurt. While there is no way to avoid this risk altogether, there are ways to mitigate it. The first thing to remember is to never lose yourself in a man. Make sure he’s the real deal. This is a tough one for most women. You need to be strong on the inside, while being open, accessible and vulnerable on the outside. Live your life as you would ordinarily do, keep your options open, and never do all of the work. Once you put a man so high on a pedestal, he will only look down on you.
I have never met a man who left me breathless. Well, except for one famous man who shall remain nameless.
JuJu 17
I actually place huge importance on physical attraction. I married someone who wasn’t my type and after less than five years together no longer wanted sex with him (which is not to say I didn’t want sex in general). Yet I hear of people who still desire each other after even 20 years of being married, or more. I want to at least give myself a chance of similar success.
Selena 18
Oh Diana you tease! If the man who left you breathless is famous, why can’t he be named???
Karl R 19
Evan said:
“I told her that I had to give her the hardest lesson I have to teach: You Can’t Avoid Getting Hurt!”
I started to succeed at dating when I realized and accepted that I would get hurt, and decided to pursue relationships anyway.
Diana said: (#16)
“The first thing to remember is to never lose yourself in a man. [...] Live your life as you would ordinarily do,”
This may explain why I don’t have a huge fear of getting hurt. I can’t really understand what “losing myself” in someone else means. Even though I spend six nights per week at my girlfriend’s house, I’m still involved in all of the same activities I was before we started dating.
If we were to break up tomorrow, I would be hurt. I would not be lost without her.
moon said: (#2)
“what I’m looking for, [...] Someone [...] who has the innovation to think beyond the coffee date and actually get on-line, look in the paper or read flyers around town to choose a date, so that I don’t have to constantly be the one coming up with it.”
I can see why that would be nice to have, but that sort of thing never comes close to being necessary. I can constantly come up with ideas and make plans for things to do -or- we can just have a pleasant but unexciting evening together when I don’t feel like putting in the effort. I don’t see a need for my partner to entertain me.
The things I see as non-negotiables are the things that will matter 20 or 30 years into a relationship. Do we trust each other? Do we respect each other? Can we communicate well?
sayanta 20
this reminds me- I came back from a picnic this weekend- I talked to a bunch of guys, all friendly, nice, some reasonably attractive. I should have been happy with that, right? But instead there was this one guy who looked like a cross between Jim Morrison and Jake Gyllenhall, who totally ignored me the entire time. Instead of being happy with the delightful company I am having, what do I do? That’s right, folks- get all hung up about the one guy who’s not talking to me- and obviously had no interest in doing so. ‘sigh’ I give up on myself. lol
JuJu 21
Karl #19: “I can’t really understand what “losing myself” in someone else means.”
Karl, it’s a female thing. A lot of women don’t really know themselves because they have a fear of being alone and thus spend their entire lives in relationships, even if they are unfulfilling. The same insecurity that drives them from boyfriend to boyfriend makes them, upon beginning each new relationship, start living the man’s life instead of continuing to live her own. A woman like that wouldn’t even know what her own life would look like.
starthrower68 22
@ Sayanta,
Isn’t your experience just basic human psychology? We tend to want what we can’t have, lol! I have no idea why that is.
@ JuJu,
I am still figuring out too, if this is basic psychology of the female. Women are hard wired for relationship. I agree with your assessment that there are an awful lot of women like that out there. But I think too, that women were created to be the nurturers and caregivers (that does not detract from the fact that we can also have succesful careers, be strong, smart, and independent) and it’s easy to become enmeshed with our loved ones.
Helen 23
sayanta #20 – no giving up on yourself! starthrower68 #22 got it right: we ALL tend to want what we can’t have, so you shouldn’t worry that your reactions are abnormal. This isn’t the first time I’ve quoted Elisabeth Elliot on here (I’m not even a conservative Christian), but she did say, rightly:
“Recognize that fundamental anomaly of human nature, that we prize what we cannot easily get.
We take for granted, we even come to despise, that which costs us no effort.”
Yet, to get to Evan’s post, it’s precisely when we DON’T despise the good guy (or the good gal) who makes life easy for us that we find a quality mate. Take it from me: when you do find that good and easy person, you don’t have a boring life: you have a peaceful and enjoyable one. Life throws enough stress at you; you don’t need a stressful relationship on top of that. You can concentrate on solving other problems, and whenever you do think of your mate, it’s not with angst, but gratitude.
starthrower68 24
Helen,
Precisely! I think we often mistake drama for passion and it just ain’t so. Although this idea seems so simple, I was blown away when Evan articulated it, and it is simply this: women WANT the nice guy. But we want the confident, assertive nice guy, not the wimp.
Dee 25
“Your man doesn’t have to leave you breathless.”
Well sure – but you should know what the feeling is anyway. I’m from the lucky boat where I’ve found “mr. right” right away. He’s smart (going for a phD), funny, attentive, relatively attractive (like a 6), and worships the ground I walk on. I just feel like at 27 I should know what it feels like to be in a relationship where I look at my man and feel like I’ve won something – not settled. In college he chased me and I ran away. After college he caught me. I was lonely. I always wonder if I’m with him because of genuine attraction or “something else”. He’s my first everything – love, lust, relationship. Its been about 3 years now and I can’t imagine marrying him while I still harbour doubts. The main doubt being -will I EVER know what it will feel like to have my man walk into a room and knock the wind out of me?
sayanta 26
Helen, Starthrower-
Thanks guys! lol- I needed that boost.
As for the women in relationship thing- I can’t relate to that one, because I’ve always been on my own (as in never having a boyfriend). So, I only know how to be by myself, not with someone else.
Honestly, the idea of being with a guy, though I’d like it, scares me, because I don’t know what to do! (seriously, I really don’t). And I’m pretty sure at this point a guy’s going to be weirded out by the fact that I’ve never been involved seriously with anyone. So…take it each day as it comes, I guess. But I’m sure my insecurity about this colors my interactions with men.
starthrower68 27
@ Dee,
Congratulations! I’m sure I will be called a cynic, but I think you are probably an exception, or perhaps you are in the silent majority. Now, I will be more than happy to meet a man that will make me eat those words, but based on all the posts I’ve seen and continue to see here, I just don’t think it happens for most folks, or at least not that way.
JuJu 28
Starthrower, there is a difference between what’s ideal and what “will do”. The situation Dee describes (and you have to realize – for that situation to work and make you happy for any length of time, the feeling has to be mutual) would be ideal. You are right however, most women never get the mate that would evoke such intense feelings in them.
Karl R 29
Dee said: (#25)
“I just feel like at 27 I should know what it feels like to be in a relationship where I look at my man and feel like I’ve won something – not settled.”
“The main doubt being -will I EVER know what it will feel like to have my man walk into a room and knock the wind out of me?”
My girlfriend and I were introduced by a mutual friend of ours (let’s call her H). H and I dated for about a month.
H is 6 or 7 years younger than my girlfriend; H has larger breasts; H has rock hard abs; H has nearly flawless skin; H is more energetic and is in better shape overall. In addition, H is smarter than my girlfriend; H is better educated; H earns more money. Like my girlfrien and I, H dances and does yoga … but H got into dancing and yoga a few years ahead of my girlfriend, so she’s better at both.
Do I feel like I settled? Not in the slightest.
H has a temper, and she’s opinionated. I’m easy-going enough that I could probably navigate a relationship with her … but I’m happy that I don’t have to.
A couple months after I started dating my girlfriend, we were at a big dance with H and her on-again/off-again boyfriend. At one point I was talking to H’s boyfriend and he remarked, “She’s not talking to me right now.”
While I had already been quite happy with my relationship with my girlfriend, that comment drove home what kind of relationship I had avoided when H broke up with me.
My girlfriend is cute, fit and smart, but there will always be women (whom I could date) who exceed her in those traits. But I have not dated any other women where I’ve had the wonderful combination of easy to get along with, open communication, trust, and (as a bonus) an incredibly passionate sex life … and she feels the same way about our relationship.
Dee, I see one big qualitative difference between my relationship and yours: I have a basis for comparisson about the quality of the sex.
At some point you will need to make a choice. Would you rather marry him and miss the opportunity to date someone breathtakingly beautiful -OR- would you rather dump him and run the risk of spending the rest of your life wishing that you could have him back.
starthrower68 30
Karl,
I’ve seen enough of your posts to know that you look deeper than what’s on the surface, which is why you’ve made a good match. Many people do not do that. I’m not even going to get into that debate, as it’s been done to death. It is what it is.
Datematchmade 31
I think too many people get wrapped up in trying to find the perfect soulmate or person to spend thier lives with, but there is no perfect person in this world. People find thier soulmate when they are least looking for it and it works. Finding that person who can love and respect you as a whole and allow you to be true.
Helen 32
Karl R #29: your comment is an absolute poster-child for Evan’s earlier entry “Why don’t men like smart, strong, successful women?”
(not so much the title as the actual content of Evan’s entry)
“She’s not talking to me right now”… I cracked up when reading this. Only once in 10 years of marriage was I ever in such a funk that I wouldn’t talk to hubby. And he has never done that with me. H can’t keep doing that to men, or she will never last in a marriage. As starthrower68 #24 said, drama isn’t the same as passion. Drama gets incredibly annoying in a long-term relationship.
Mica Ruiz 33
I agree completely with Evan. I went to see the Millionaire Matchmaker and then to another really good matchmaker and they said the same thing!
starthrower68 34
I think you all need to check out the following video and we’ll see if this settles the debate:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oe0rvkQ597w
TripleM 35
@ Helen: re: “Karl R # 29: Your post is an absolute poster-child for Evan’s ealier entry ‘Why don’t men like smart, strong, successful women?”
?????? The problem with H wasn’t that she was a smart, strong, successful woman. The problem with H was that she was a colossal bitch. (“Not talking to me right now” — LOL!) The two do not go hand-in-hand, and the near-constant implication that they do irks me to no end. I’m super-smart, strong, and successful, and I’ve never had any trouble attracting and being involved with decent men because I am also warm, thoughtful, and most importantly, I’ve always treated the men in my life with respect, both in front of them, and when they’re not around to hear me. (So why am I here, you ask, LOL?? Fair question — my social circumstances have changed rather dramatically, so for the first time ever, I’m pondering the on-line dating universe, and I felt like I needed some insight into that. And I do enjoy reading all these questions, and everyone’s comments; good stuff here!)
Anyway. Because of attitudes like this, I tend to reveal little of myself until people (potential female friends, too, not just men) have spent a little time around me. For instance, I never voluntarily tell anyone that I am a lawyer when I first meet them. The baggage associated with that revelation is quite negative — I watch carefully, and I can literally see people’s faces change expression.
Funny, if I were a man, I’m betting that wouldn’t get quite the same reaction . . . ; :)
Selena 36
@ #34
Starthrower that was hilarious!!!
One of those fellows bears an uncanny resemblance to a former bf of mine. Yep, explains why I’m not so discontent being single.
Honey 37
The “she’s not talking to me right now” made me laugh, too. Jake’s GF immediately prior to me was always picking fights with him. He told a friend once, “we’re having a fight” and the friend’s reaction was, “when AREN’T you having a fight?” No, thanks.
sayanta 38
#34-
Actually, the “pole dancer” wasn’t that bad. LOL!!!!
sayanta 39
TripleM-
I’m a lawyer too! I’ve never directly told anyone that (except at bar association meetings, of course) until first chatting with them for a lengthy amount of time. In fact, I think it’s the first time I’m saying it on this blog. I totally hear where you’re coming from.
For me, some people just don’t believe me when I tell them I’m a lawyer. They say I’m ‘too nice.” whatever that means…
TripleM 40
sayanta –
Sarah 41
Wow! Once again, thank you for another excellent article. This one, along with few others, really opened my eyes — and may have lost EMK a gig! ;)
I’ve been casually dating a man for nearly a year now. We both have a lot going on in our lives, but he has been very patient with me. Specifically, he tells me that he thinks that I’m worth waiting for and has been a friend to me during difficult times. He is a wonderful father, a professional and keeps in touch with his loved ones. In addition, he is open-minded, a “self actualizer,” maintains his health and has good hygiene.
The only drawback to this guy is that he is not attractive in the tradition sense. I’ve done a lot of thinking, reading and soul searching about this and, until discovering EMK’s blog, haven’t come up with a lot of favorable answers. I’ve seen the wonderful aspects of this relationship, but so much of what is published regarding “love” has to do with superficial nonessentials. After all, does is really matter if your future spouse can bench press 200 lbs if he is an accountant???
While I still believe that there has to be some kind of chemistry in a relationship, my guy has passed the “sniff test,” so I don’t think there is any problem with compatibility between us. I feel like I’ve been holding back in this relationship because I don’t want to wake up horrified some day, but thinking about this from a pragmatic viewpoint, I now believe that it shouldn’t be a problem.
Since I’ve taken an objective look at my relationship, I see how wonderful it is; I am prompted to invest in and fully commit to it.
Thanks again, Evan Marc Katz, for opening my eyes and talking sense in a media sea of Disney-esque conceptions of love.
J.A. 42
Sayanta and TripleM-
If it means anything to you girls I would totally date you knowing you’re a lawyer and not judge you at all about it! I would probably actually be turned on about it because I respect and am attracted to girls with good jobs like that. I can’t understand why any guy would be intimidated by female lawyers. I don’t believe the stereotypes about lawyers, although there are some who do fit it, most don’t. Those ones that do are mostly men lol! The only thing I’d be worried about if I were interested in a lawyer is that she would judge me because my profession isn’t as ‘prestigious’ as hers and I probably don’t make as much money. (I’m currently a real estate agent…used to be an elementary teacher)
starthrower68 43
Sayanta,
“Too nice” tells me you just do your job ethically….
sayanta 44
LOL- just for the record, the ‘too nice’ comment actually came from mostly women. Go figure.
JuJu 45
Sarah (#41), is it really important to you that the man be conventionally attractive, or is all that matters – that he is attractive to you?
isabelle_archer 46
Sayanta and TripleM – Just move to DC, where everyone is a lawyer! I actually just assume that anyone I meet here is a lawyer, male or female. I really enjoy going to some other city where people actually have some reaction, negative or positive, to my profession, other than a bored sigh and some desultory questions about your kind of practice you get here in DC.
Other unique DC dating quirks — it’s a total given that you’ll discuss politics on a first date and your politics may be described in detail in your online profile. To some DCers, political orientation is just as important as sexual orientation. I myself think it’s boring to date people with 100% the same politics as me. I’ve had some fantastic dates with improbably conservative guys who are part of the vast right-wing conspiracy here in town. As long as they’re not serious social conservatives (e.g. hate gay people and birth control), they’re a lot more fun to talk to than yet ANOTHER dutiful democrat.
A-L 47
RE: Sayanta’s #3: So glad you read (and enjoyed) First Comes Marriage! As far as Evan’s best friend line, I think he’s talking about someone who you feel emotionally close to, safe with, comfortable talking about intimate subjects, someone who understands you (for the most part). I don’t think he’s talking about someone who will always accompany you to go shopping, hit gallery openings, the opera, etc. And I think that’s where Reva was operating from. Don’t expect your guy to be your best bud that you do everything with. Have different sets of friends to do different things. Evan also wrote a post on that about how men compartmentalize better than women in this regard.
RE: Moon’s #15: Hilarious! Though there was a time while I was online dating where I could totally relate to being breathless at correct punctuation and capitalization.
RE: Sayanta’s #26: Don’t worry about how to “be” with a guy. It will develop naturally. It’s pretty much like how you’re with your friends. You treat him nicely. He treats you nicely. You get to know one another and spend more time together and integrate your lives, gradually. And this is coming from someone who was very much a late bloomer in terms of dating. Who didn’t have her first boyfriend until her late 20s. And who is now engaged. So don’t give up hope!
Karl’s #29: So glad that things are working out with your girlfriend! Though we’ve never met, I feel like it couldn’t have happened to a more deserving guy.
BeenThereDoneThat 48
Congratulations on your engagement, A-L!!
Sayanta 49
A-L-
Good to see you back! We’ve missed you. Actually, your story inspired me to join Match. lol. We’ll see how it goes. And thanks again for your (as usual) insightful advice about my relationship questions.
Sayanta 50
Oh, congratulations A-L! Your fiance’s very lucky.
Karl R 51
A-L, (#47)
Welcome back. We’ve missed you. Thanks for the kind words.
And congratulations on your engagement. Since I like and respect you, I’m glad to see you’ve succeeded.
sayanta 52
A-L-
Me again…I hope you don’t mind me asking personal question (which I’ve always asked anyway LOL). How long were you on Match? Is the whole online exp. (especially when most guys want sex after the first couple of dates) kind of like running a marathon? That is, lots of stamina required?
Selena 53
Wonderful news about your engagement A-L! And echoing the others, it’s good to see you on the blog again. Looking forward to hearing your perspectives from a no-longer-single position.
A-L 54
BTDT, Sayanta, and Karl: Thanks for the congratulations!
Sayanta’s #52: I started online dating around October or November of ’06. I continued off and on until around December ’08/January ’09. During that time I probably had dates with about 30-35 guys. About 20% got to 3 dates, and of those only half made it past a month (though not long past a month). My fiance was the only one who made it more than 2 months (we’ve been together for about 18 months, though it was about 13 months when he proposed). So I don’t know if you consider that a marathon or not. I know there were times when there was a lot of action and communication going on and I’d get a bit burned out and had to take a break from the online dating bit. But then I’d start back up again.
As far as the whole sex thing goes, most got nixed before it even came up as an issue (maybe southerners are a bit slower on that front than in other parts of the country? ). There was only one guy of the remainder for whom it was a dealbreaker. So I think if you’re finding guys who are compatible with you (including your values) then they’re more accepting on the sexual front (even if they haven’t abstained from sex in the past). Anyway, hope that helps, and good luck with match!
A-L 55
Thanks, Selena!
Nicole 56
The men who left me breathless did leave. I was also the most heartbroken by them because I now realize how hopeless I was and how desperate to find someone that when they came around and promised me the world and I let my guard down they up and left and I was shattered. It took me a long time to get over. I look back and also see how they were wrong for me.. And I was impressed with things about them that did not matter or truly make me happy.
My current boyfriend of 5 months is exactly what I wanted and was surprised you said it the same, he is my best friend who makes me laugh and we have great sex.. and above all.. I am 100% myself with him. I felt bad when telling friends about him because I was/am never ranting about how he takes my breath away.. Thinking this was a bad thing. I knew I had never been happier but he didn’t do anything “amazing”.
However, it suddenly made sense… You know how you go on vacation and its amazing and OMG the bungalows, the beach, the cocktails, the hotel…
But then again.. (in the words of Dorothy Gale/Judy Garland) There is no place like home. At some point we all want to be home…
Because home is where the heart is.
Now to tie it all together (in the lyrics of Owl City) if my heart was a house you’d be home“..
My boyfriend makes me feel at home. Because that is where my heart is. And nothing can compare to that.