Dating Tip O' The Month
You Don't Attract the Wrong People, You Accept The Wrong People.
Every week, I receive emails that sound something like this:
Dear Evan,
I'm forty-one years old and I've been told that I'm a great catch. I'm close with my friends and family, I'm well-liked at work, and I have a really kind heart. What I can't understand, however, is how the only people I seem to date are completely dysfunctional. I don't get it. I know that I'm sane and stable, yet I just seem to attract nothing but people who are emotionally unavailable, not serious about a relationship, or just plain weird. What can I do to start attracting a higher caliber date?
Thanks,
Pat
(either a man or a woman, but more likely, a woman, because men rarely ask for help)
Let's carefully analyze what Pat's saying so that we can give her some tangible insight into the reality of her situation. Because what she thinks she's doing wrong and what she's actually doing wrong are two different things.
First, Pat's stuck in a story. By story, I mean that what she says isn't real; it's her perception. Not ALL of the men she dates are dysfunctional, unavailable, or weird. That's what she's telling herself to make sense of her frustrating situation.
Second, Pat's blaming herself for attracting these men, as if she's putting out some sort of "Creep Magnet" vibe. This isn't true either, although it's the only thing she can think of to justify why she keeps having all of these dissatisfying dating experiences.
Third, Pat's not fully taking responsibility for what she IS doing wrong. She thinks her problem has something to do with what she's attracting. Uh uh. It's what she's ACCEPTING that's faulty. If Pat finds that she's dating the wrong men, her challenge isn't to stop attracting them; it's to get rid of them quickly and painlessly.
FACT: Most people are wrong for you. Most men are the wrong men. Most women are the wrong women. If it were so easy to find the right person, we'd all be married to our seventh grade sweethearts. So stop driving yourself nuts when you realize that it takes a lot of trial and error to get it right.
Personal anecdote: I dated online for nearly 8 years. I went out with over 300 people. I had four or five girlfriends in that time and fell in love twice. I wrote a couple of books, became a dating coach, and have lots of stories to tell from my years of being single.
After hearing one of these stories, one girlfriend said to me, "You just love crazy women, don't you? Something about the drama, the passion, the intensity."
"Actually," I replied, smiling. "I don't love crazy women at all. I just love women. And some of them happen to be crazy."
In other words, if you think the big problem is that men are: shallow, pigs, cheaters, emotionally unavailable, players, liars, and slackers. Or that women are: crazy, emotionally unstable, needy, controlling, hypercritical, and golddiggers, well, you've probably got a lot of evidence to support your claim.
However, this doesn't mean that ALL men and women are this way, and it definitely doesn't mean that you're doing anything to ATTRACT these men and women.
In fact, you attract all sorts of people. Some will be bad for you. The real question is how long it will take you to figure it out.
Once again, the problem is not that you ATTRACT the wrong people, but that you ACCEPT the wrong people in your life.
So rather than wondering how to bring in the "right" people, instead focus on how long you're willing to tolerate intolerable partners.
After all, it's not HIS fault for being emotionally unavailable, it's YOUR fault for dating him for three years and expecting him to change.
For more articles like this emailed to you on a daily basis, click here:
If you're interested in finding that partner who is perfect for you, give me a call at 866-432-9726. I'm here to help.
To read previous Dating Tips O' the Month, please check out our Archive. |
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