My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me. I Slept With Someone Else. Have I Done Something Wrong?

My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me.  I Slept With Someone Else. Have I Done Something Wrong?

I dated my ex for 16 months. We broke up with no hints of getting back together. 2 weeks later I had a one night stand with someone I don’t know. 1 week later, my ex calls and indicates we should try to get back together. In subsequent discussions, she asks me if I had slept with anyone. Being an honest man, I reluctantly told her yes. She is furious and hurt and is accusing me of cheating and lying to her. I want to be with her, never wanted to be without her (she pushed the breakup), and am disappointed that I hurt her, BUT, do not feel like I cheated or lied. Where do I go from here? Lay low and see if time helps or go all in again and try to win her over again?



Dear Brian,

You did nothing wrong.

You were broken up.

You had no hints of getting back together.

You did what pretty much any guy would do after a sixteen month relationship.

That doesn’t mean you’re out of the woods yet, but it does mean you’re technically “right”. The problem is that having truth and logic on your side matters very little when discussing emotional issues. This, by the way, is the main reason that I blog. I try to inject a little male logic into the largely feminine realm of relationship discussions. (This does NOT mean women are illogical – I’m just making a generalization here). I don’t actively hope to change the world, but I do hope to observe the world AS IT IS, as opposed to how it SHOULD be.

She probably wanted you cry your eyes out for a few weeks, paralyzed, unable to imagine yourself in the presence of any other woman.

Your girlfriend is caught up in how it SHOULD be. After a long, serious relationship – one in which she still had feelings for you – she was clearly hoping for some dating moratorium. She probably wanted you cry your eyes out for a few weeks, paralyzed, unable to imagine yourself in the presence of any other woman. And then, when she came back to reconcile with her beloved, she was shocked to discover that you had drowned your sorrows in the cleavage of another woman during – GASP! – a meaningless one-night stand. The gall! The disrespect! Did your relationship just mean NOTHING?

It feels pretty ridiculous to type those last few lines because they make no logical sense. You were broken up. You did when men do when they’re single – look for other women. When my serious girlfriend dumped me in 2004, I left her house, red-eyed, drove ten minutes home, and reactivated my JDate account instantly. Would I want to be the first woman to date me after my heart had been shattered? Hell, no. But I certainly wasn’t going to repair my wounds by sitting at home by myself for a month….

This isn’t to say that I don’t have sympathy for your ex-girlfriend. It’s just that it’s HER job to get over this bump in the road. There’s nothing you could do at this point that’s going to fix things. Especially since she asked for your honesty and you gave it to her.

This brings up a rant that I’ve always wanted to have in public forum. It stems from a conversation with a girlfriend from 4-5 years back – a girlfriend that I loved, a girlfriend who was deeply distrustful of men. It was based on her personal experience – she’d been cheated upon, and even dated a polyamorist at a time. As a result, I remember her telling me, point-blank, early in the relationship (and repeatedly thereafter):

“If you ever cheat on me, you’d better tell me. I do not tolerate cheaters and I will break up with you.”

And, me, ever the wise-ass, replied, with a twinkle in my eye, “Well, if you’d break up with me, why would I tell you that I cheated?”

And she’d reply: “Because it’s the right thing to do. It’s the manly thing to do. You’d want to have integrity, right?”

And I’d reply: “Yeah, but what if I made a god-awful mistake – say, drunkenly kissing a stranger at a party in Vegas? What if I made a mistake that I instantly regretted and would never repeat? What if I knew I would never intentionally jeopardize my relationship for any other woman again? What possible incentive would I have to confess, presuming that you’re instantly going to dump me for ‘honorably’ telling you? It just doesn’t make any sense.”

I’m not defending cheating. I am saying that I was living in the real world, and she was living in the fantasy world. In the real world, when someone cheats and realizes the consequences are dire, he’s got no incentive to confess. I can spit gum on the street in Singapore and turn myself in so I can get caned, or I can deny, deny, deny. I can “borrow” lines from a book when writing a term paper, and then tell the professor that I plagiarized, but that wouldn’t be too wise.

You want a guy to tell you the truth about cheating? You better be prepared to forgive him and painfully accept his apology. Otherwise, you’re asking for him to lie to you.

So while I’m not encouraging cheaters, let’s understand what logical behavior follows after infidelity: lies to cover up. You want a guy to tell you the truth about cheating? You better be prepared to forgive him and painfully accept his apology. Otherwise, you’re asking for him to lie to you.

To wrap up, I want to offer a quote from Ramana Hamarshi, “Wanting to reform the world without discovering one’s true self is like trying to cover the world with leather to avoid the pain of walking on stones and thorns. It is much simpler to wear shoes.”

If you’re frustrated with the dialogue here and expect to change men or women, make no mistake about it, you’re trying to cover the world with leather.


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  1. 1

    You did nothing wrong and you have been 100% honest. You do not have any fact based reasons to justify feeling bad. YOU WERE TOLD IT WAS *OVER*.

    Make those things CLEAR to your ex. Do not back peddle on that. However, do not belabor it. What is of important to you is being with her and her feelings. Let her know, with no doubts, that you feel that way. . Then back off and let her handle her own feelings. If she wants you back, congratulations. If she remains unsure for a long period of time let her know that you respect that and you will move on considering yourself single ( free ).

  2. 2

    Marc, great response. It’s refreshing to see another guy who understands how relationships work.

    Brian, you didn’t do anything wrong but you did say that you want to be with her. Telling her that you had moved on would in no way help your situation. With relationships people need to realize when it’s a good time to “be right” and when its better to do “what works.” The two doesn’t always work well together and it will test your personal values but in the end what matters is which means more to you.

  3. 3

    Assuming you want to get back together with someone who totally pitched you, the answer is no. What she is asking is “within the relationship, were you faithful to me”. Just because she tried to change the dates to include the time she defined as outside the relationship, you acted in good faith during the relationship. There is nothing to be gained for either of you to talk about your activities. For you to raise the issue as she is just wanting to get back together will only push a very hot negative button for her and may block her willingness to commit.

    Asking you if you have slept with someone else is just like asking you if what she is wearing makes her butt look too big–there is no acceptable honest answer. I see what you did while broken up as the same as the time before you were together–what you did romantically is none of her business and need not be disclosed. It is outside the relationship as she defined it.

    What is your motivation to tell her about it? Getting a last dig in about being dumped? Getting her to bless your “transgression” (Remembering that most women in committed relationships HATE infidelity)? Satisfying the idea that “Honesty is the best policy”? If so, have you told her everything else in your life that would really make her mad?

    Finally, from my own experience, I would be careful with getting back together with someone who totally broke up with me. She may have discovered she really missed you and was wrong to break up. Great! If she does it again, it begins to look like a nasty habit. I made the mistake of marrying a woman who did that and it was not something I would repeat.

  4. 4

    To wrap up, I want to offer a quote from Ramana Hamarshi, “Wanting to reform the world without discovering one’s true self is like trying to cover the world with leather to avoid the pain of walking on stones and thorns. It is much simpler to wear shoes.”

    I first heard that quote at a meditation retreat back in the early 90s. It applies to so many situations. It is faster, less frustrating, more rational and more effective to look to what you can do to adjust yourself then demanding that the world change to suit you. That quote was worth the week of silence and sitting on the floor.

  5. 5

    Reminds me of an old episode of “Friends”…
    No, Brian, I don’t think you did anything wrong, it’s just that she was expecting you to stay home and pine, at least for a little bit. I know if this happened to me, I would feel hurt. If I’d invested 16 months into a relationship, something went wrong enough to break us up, then practically overnight the man went off and slept with someone else, I’d probably wonder if he ever cared at all. No matter who initiated the breakup, there is a 16 month investment here.

    Yes, I know men are wired differently, but I can understand that she would be hurt. However, he told her the truth, and that sets the relationship up for more trust in the future if they get back together.

    Technically, you didn’t do anything wrong, but that doesn’t mean her feelings aren’t hurt. If you still care about her and the relationship can be repaired, give her a little while to see if she gets over it. If you don’t, move on.

    Just my $0.02.

  6. 6

    Hey Brian, I’m a woman and I sympathize.

    I can understand that your ex’s ego was bruised but being furious and accusing you of cheating/lying (huh!?) is certainly unreasonable and irrational. Wanting you to be so distraught that you couldn’t imagine yourself in the presence of another woman is some romantic ideal that just doesn’t jive with human nature.

    If you want to get back together with her, here’s my advice:
    Don’t apologize, justify or otherwise go on the defensive. Personally, I know when I’m being demanding or irrational and it’s kind of a test: if a guy stands strong, I gain respect for him.

    Be confident in your belief that you didn’t do anything “wrong.” She has the right to feel hurt by your actions, but you did not “hurt her.” At this point, the best thing would be to express empathy and ask questions — try to find out where she’s coming from, what her expectations were, exactly why she’s feeling hurt…people are more interested in being understood than they are in being right.

  7. 7
    Michael Ejercito


    You two broke up, so you had no obligation to refrain from having sex with an unattached person. If she can not see that, find someone else.

  8. 8

    EMK and Ginger are right. You did nothing wrong and if she keeps throwing it back in your face, walk. See what happens.

  9. 9

    Brian what you did was neither cheating, nor lying. Unfortunately the technicality of that doesn’t make much of a difference. To your gf (ex-gf?) what you did is upsetting because it looks like you never really loved her if after a mere two weeks you were already out there ready to hook up with someone else. Instead of staying at home with the drapes shut, bawling your eyes out over a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, you were happily putting your penis inside another woman.

    The two of you may get back together, but she is never going to forget that she was so easily replacable in this regard. You can expect this moment of “in the past” to come up from time to time, particularly whenever you have a tiff. You can expect her to have trust issues with you for some time to come. She may get over it, but on some level it will always be there. Mulitply this 10, 100 fold if your “one nighter” is someone you (or the two of you) could run into on a non-infrequent basis.

    You might want to consider why you broke up in the first place, and if it’s really worth it to try again knowing all this.

    1. 9.1

      Very well said Selena~! The truth is that when women are asking for honesty, they are expressing “before the act of cheating occurs” as in, you (the male) knows when you are attracted to a woman and of how far you are willing to take that attraction.  At this point is when “your woman” is expecting honesty from you in advising her that there is a potential issue in the relationship.  This would be the time to discuss what may be the cause and see if there is something that can be remedied in the relationship.  If not, at least each partner can leave the relationship with their dignity and respect in tact although “your woman” may have a broken heart.  Time would eventually heal the heart.  The problem with cheaters is for some inexplicable reason they want their cake and eat it too, forgetting that they are dealing with human beings and not “pets.”  Either way it’s wrong as both humans and pets have feelings~

      1. 9.1.1

        In your case Brian, if the initial reason for the break-up was about cheating… then, understandably your woman is crushed as your actions would confirm what she did not want to believe about your character.  If the break-up was not about cheating, then, you did nothing wrong physically, however, mentally is another factor all in itself.  Let’s be honest here.  After 16 months you would know if your girl was sincere about a break-up or not… or if she was just “upset” with you and wanted you to take time to think about things… your decision to be with another woman that quickly should tell you something about your relationship as well. Perhaps you should both keep it moving~

      2. 9.1.2
        Adam z

        Rhonda you are an absolute jealous fool who’s biased….he never cheated, she left him. If I go kiss a girl tonight my ex gf from 4 years ago can’t complain if we ever got back together. Grow up

        1. Kiarah

          No Adam you grow up. Rhonda is right. She didn’t say he was cheating. She questioned his loyalty. After 16 months of being with someone he slept with another female just two weeks later. That’s definitely hurting his girl’s ego right about now. It doesn’t take long for him to sleep with someone else and that’s questionable.

        2. Scooter

          Oh come on, Kiarah!  She has no right to question his loyalty, after leaving him! He can do whatever the hell he likes. The fact that he could go out and sleep with someone so soon doesn’t mean he wasn’t “loyal”.  He could be doing it to numb his pain, or he could just have been “over it” after those weeks.

  10. 10

    I agree with all the posters- Brian was not wrong, but ex-gf is hurt and we can all understand her not liking his actions. My only quibble is with some of Evan’s advice
    ” You want a guy to tell you the truth about cheating? You better be prepared to forgive him and painfully accept his apology. Otherwise, you’re asking for him to lie to you.”
    I can’t get down with that. I agree that you should be willing to hear him out, understand where he was coming from and why he cheated so you can make a determination on whether to forgive him or not. I agree you can’t tell him, up front, that he will never be forgiven for cheating and then expect him to tell you the truth (though one could hope; some people actually still do the ‘right’ thing). But i completely disagree that you should automatically be prepared to forgive him. Why would that be the default when you’ve been cheated on?

    1. 10.1

      Sounds like maybe what she wanted was reassurance that she still had a special place in your life and heart that was not easily replaced.  What was more meaningful?  The prior relationship or the one nighter?  If the prior relationship was more meaningful than the one nighter, that is what she really wanted to know.  Although sometimes it’s better that what happens at “fight club” (timeout from relationship) should stay in fight club so to speak.  She wanted reassurance that what you had was special.

      Not sure if it’s the right thing to get back together anyway.

      But she doesn’t have to FORGIVE anybody.  Basically, to demand she forgive him is just to give him a walk on having to deal with her feelings which is definitely NOT the right thing.  He can be sorry that things happened that way and that she experienced pain from it.  But if he wants to, he can make her feel special again and like she’s the only one for him.  That’s what she wanted.  She wanted not to feel pain from it and to get help with moving on.  Being a jerk about that fact that she did experience pain even though it was when they broke up, would not mend anything.  Don’t want to deal with the emotional fallout?  Move on. She deserves better than that and maybe he doesn’t want to be a better person by helping her through it.     

  11. 11
    Evan Marc Katz

    I didn’t really say it should be the default. Cheating is pretty much the most serious crime you can commit within a relationship.

    All I said was that it makes no sense to confess to infidelity if you know that it won’t be forgiven. And to expect a confession is foolhardy.

    1. 11.1

      I think you hit something worth saying there.  In relationships, sometimes people need to “walk softly” and contemplate whether they would actually want to know the answer to the question of did you sleep with someone else even if we were broken up.  You can never unhear something you didn’t really want to hear.  You might THINK you want to know in the heat of the moment when in reality, there’s no way you could get the answer out of your head.
      If someone cheats there is one school of thought that they’d better man up (or woman up) and just keep it to themselves and not go about hurting and destroying the person they purport to love.  There’s something to be said for sucking it up and staying shut up about it.  

      And in this case they were broken up, so it’s not cheating, but it is dealing with hurtful feelings.     

    2. 11.2

      Evan, I think a person who has good character would confess either way, even if there is no chance of forgiveness. The problem with today’s men, is that they are so morally bankrupt and self-centered that OF COURSE it doesn’t make sense to confess if there is no return on that investment. Truth ALWAYS has a way of revealing itself, and it’s much worse for a woman to find it out in other ways. I think the thing that you didn’t consider in this article is, why she broke up with him. Was she fed up with his lack of commitment to the relationship? Was he not being the greatest boyfriend? Was she doing it to test whether he really loved her? You say that is unrealistic, but I say it’s one of the oldest methods woman use to test the love of their man when it’s in question. I think this guy is using the technicality of the breakup as an excuse to justify sleeping with another women, which is probably what he already wanted to do anyway. I think this girl got her answer, he doesn’t really love her. What he should have been doing after she dumped him was try to win her back. Love isn’t a game with technicalities. A good, honest man knows that. Sadly, there aren’t very many left.

      1. 11.2.1

        I have never tested a man this way, and would never do so.  Is it OK for a man to mentally torture you to test you?  No, it’s not.  Pay attention to how a man treats you.  Do his actions match his words?  Is he acting like a boyfriend in ways that matter?  There are no guarantees, but a person you claim to love deserves your respect, and they deserve the benefit of the doubt until they do something to change that.  Treat him like you want to be treated.


        I’m really starting to feel sorry for men after reading so many comments on this board.  Yes there are men who are scum, but there are really good men too.  And, there are women who are scum, just as there are women who are good people.


        As to whether he did something wrong.  No, he didn’t, and many women have done this same thing.  If the other person broke up with you, you are no longer tied t them.  You are free to date and sleep with who you want.


        Usually when we break up with somebody, we really want to break up with them.  I tell men and women that if the person breaks up with you to test you or to manipulate you, then the relationship is doomed.  That is dysfunctional behavior, and so they need to run from that person as fast as they can.

      2. 11.2.2
        Karmic Equation

        OMG. Are you SERIOUS?


        So the girl can play games to test him and that is perfectly ok by you.


        So he decided to sleep with someone else after SHE breaks up with him and HE’s the one playing games?


        No wonder so many men nowadays shun relationships. Women like you make being single not only a relief for them but the most sane choice he can make.


        A woman who plays games and “tests” her boyfriend endlessly deserves the unhappy relationship she creates with such tests.


        If you don’t trust your boyfriend or you’ve determined he can’t make you happy unless he “changes”, get some courage and DUMP him. You both deserve to be with someone who can make you happy WITHOUT changing.

      3. 11.2.3

        I can say I was in a reverse situation.  After a year and a half my boyfriend broke up with me. We were officially broken up for 3 days.  We got back together and I found out that the day we broke up he slept with someone else. He wasn’t gonna tell me. I found the hotel receipt and the box of condoms in the trash. What really gets me upset about it is that we had made up and had sex but he didn’t have the guts to tell me that he slept with someone else. Also I had texted him earlier that day asking if we could work things out but according to him he was “scared”. He’s the only guy I’ve ever been with and I’m now numbers 11 and 13 on his list. It just sucks

    3. 11.3

      In that case why would any woman ever give her own fidelity to a guy?  One of the biggest moans you hear from males these days is that so many women are unfaithful and/or promiscuous (there’s a difference).  Well…what do you expect?


      I think it’s difficult for anyone to really get at the truth behind some of the ‘problems’ posted on websites like this. Do we truly believe that the person posting has stated what really happened?  People try to present themselves in the best possible light… ‘Me? I didn’t do anything wrong – I was completely honest and only ever, ever looked at someone else when I had already broken up ..and I’m good and wow I maybe did something a little bit wrong but like … this is what happened really, really‘.

      Um, yeah.

      I don’t feel that his (ex) girlfriend would have reacted quite like this if they had really broken up.  Yes, everyone – male and female alike –  can be a bit vain and think oh how could someone get over me so quickly (although quickly taking up with someone else is actually a classic sign of being hurt).  But I think it’s been something like – ‘hey we’re not getting along so great right now, how about we just back off a little, give each other some space – a couple of weeks maybe – and then see how we feel and what we want to do?’  Now that is quite different from breaking up!  But I think the guy has been angry and has gone with someone as revenge. I also don’t believe she called him – he called her and hinted like mad that something had happened until she asked him outright.  This scenario has much more of a ring of authenticity to it and would explain her reaction perfectly, lol!

      (N.B. As for Evan declaring that he would definitely not tell a girlfriend that he had ‘cheated’ – such a childish term – because she would leave him, well, that says it all.   A declaration of intent to use and manipulate a female psyche and body (ok – we all do it – that doesn’t make it ok or something to recommend), a declaration of anger (you would dump me huh, well I’m gonna lie to you then!), a weird sense of what it means to be ‘forgiven’ (Evan seems to think it’s something that should be immediate and automatic – but in actual fact if it really is as he says ‘the most serious crime that you can commit within a relationship’ then it is hardly surprising that there would be a period of estrangement (dumping) wile healing takes place. And I can’t believe that a girlfriend – on hearing this declaration that he would not confess to infidelity – would actually stay with such a jerk.  If she did then she deserves everything she gets…)


  12. 12

    Cheating. Gosh that can be so hurtful however Brian and his ex were NOT together when his “offense” took place. In my (ever so humble) opinion am unsure that his g/f has a leg to stand on. Cancel that unsure and I say I am POSITIVE that she has no recourse.

    Furthermore some things are best left unknown when it comes to the cheating issue. I have cheated and have probably been cheated “on.” Did I admit to my behavior…NO. The relationships were on the rocks anyway.

    What should be addressed is WHY the cheating took place. In Brian’s case he was a free man, so why not see another person. If I thought for one minute that some guy was going to hold cheating against me – when we were apart, no way would I see any future entanglements with him. Remember the cheating happened based on the problems that were within the relationship.

  13. 13

    One reason Brian’s quasi ex-gf could be so upset was that he’s of the character of a man who would do a one-night stand. These aren’t the most glamorous things in the world (although I got no problem with them, and I don’t have an issue with Brian’s ONS). But, would she be less upset if he went out on a date? Seems innocuous. I think the timing is less important than the actual act. When you think ONS, you think crazy porno sex, extreme passion, highly physical, maybe much better sex than what Brian and his gf were having. Plus, she’s going to think he’s sleazy for the random hookup. I can see her getting upset by all that.

    He could have defused by saying, “Yeah, I got wasted at a bar, had sex with a random chick and it was TERRIBLE. I had no emotional connection with her and I shouldn’t have gone there. Plus, it’s against my character to be hooking up randomly. I totally regretted it. I started thinking about you instantly and how good we are together.” No lies there.

    1. 13.1


      i concur completely. ⭐️

  14. 14

    Holy Crap Batman,

    What a manipulative bitch that is you have for an ex.

    My God, I’d throw her in a river with a 50 pound weight attached to her ankle.

    If there is anyone who deserves the middle finger, it’s someone who breaks up with you, then accuses you of being a cheater.

    Do yourself a favor and tell her to go “f” herself. Seriously.

    Someone like that deserves to die alone.

  15. 15

    I got a kick out of Evan’s story about the paranoid ex-girlfriend who demanded that he tell her if he ever cheated.

    By definition, a cheater is someone who lacks integrity. You can say, yes, but what if you just cheated once, what if you were drunk, blah, blah, blah.

    Point is, since cheaters aren’t the most honorable people, you can’t expect them to confess to it or ever admit! It would be out of character.

    Like a famous relationship author said, “it never just happens…” That’s always the line the cheater gives you. “It just happened….”

    I swear honey, we we just met, and BOOM, our clothes fell off!

    1. 15.1

      Maybe to convince herself that she did the “right” thing by dumping him. This whole break up thing could have been a massive shit test on her part. She shit tests him to see if he is worth her while. He fails. She breaks up. She then shit tests him again to make sure she didn’t make a mistake dumping him.

  16. 16




  17. 17

    My boyfriend of two years cheated on me recently. He went out of town and when he came back, his friend showed me footage of him with two girls. I took the video and put it on YouTube, hoping that no one will ever want to date him. My boyfriend swore he didn’t cheat, until he saw himself on YouTube and realized that I knew the truth.

    I also slept with the friend who showed me the video and we recorded the orgasm (just the audio!). I’m a DJ, so I have all the equipment in my room. Anyway, I mixed the sound of the orgasm into a song – which I also uploaded on my myspace page!

    I’m not usually a mean person, but I guess it made me feel better, at least for a moment, to get back at him. Anyway, if anyone wants to see it, it’s at

    I’m also going to start posting pictures of “cheaters” on my site, so send me pictures and I will get the word out for you!!!

    1. 17.1

      Go girl!

  18. 18


  19. 19
    mrs. vee

    If you ever cheat on me, you’d better tell me. I do not tolerate cheaters and I will break up with you.

    LOL. Really, Ev? Your ex-girlfriend said THAT?

    Well, she was perhaps a little ham-handed in the way she expressed the sentiment, but I can certainly say I’d also hope for a confession from my DH if he ever had a moment of weakness with another woman. And I couldn’t promise with any certainty to forgive or painfully accept anything from that point on. But I’d still want to know. Plus, expecting him to do so implies that I believe him to be fallible, but honorable.

    Maybe a better way of putting it would have been, “If you ever make this sort of mistake with another woman, please be honest with me, and be prepared to face the music.”

    Facing the music would be my inclination if I were the one who screwed up with another man, anyway. But whatever.

    That’s not the point in the case of your original poster who did absolutely nothing wrong.

  20. 20

    Ron- Before you go making such harsh accusations of this woman, perhaps you should read Selena’s post above. She really hit the nail on the head as to why this sort of thing bothers women. Yes, it was wrong of her to accuse him of cheating and lying, as neither of those things occurred; however, the accusations she made likely spawned from such feelings described in Selena’s post. I had a similar situation with my ex, granted we did not get back together/think of getting back together, nor did I accuse him of cheating. He slept with another woman one week after I ended our three year relationship (we were even engaged). I felt exactly what Selena felt and what Brian’s gf/ex is feeling, replaceable. This person who supposedly had such strong feelings for you can get it up so easily to go and sleep with another woman…to us, it seems as though the mourning period never existed. Note: Even if you are the dumper as opposed to the dumpee, you will still go through a similar mourning period, and you expect the same of the other person. Is it wrong to expect this? Absolutely, but since when were relationships merely based upon logic and devoid of feeling? You can’t deny someone their feelings, so if I were you, I would avoid making such harsh statements in the future. Especially since you are essentially making them of all females, so unless you want to die alone…

    1. 20.1

      What I gathered from what you are saying is that you feel that a relationship is meaningless or you feel ‘replaceable’ unless a guy waits a certain amount of time until he sleeps with someone else? Please tell me, what is the appropriate amount of mourning that satisfies you until you deem it acceptable for him to move on and sleep with another woman? This is a rhetorical question because everyone is different, but I’m sure there is some average or standard period that most people could agree upon. The problem is this: when you are dumped without a hint of getting back together and an opportunity presents itself, you can either mourn or embrace what little time we really do have in life.

      I for one personally am not going to allow some arbitrary period of mourning stop me from experiencing life or passing up opportunities that may very well flourish into something even greater than what I had.

      The bottom line is that I think if you associate a shorter period of mourning with heartlessness or indifference I think you sincerely need to revaluate your thoughts because people heal at different rates. Now, you may be thinking that waiting two weeks is just too short, but ask yourself this, if he waited an extra two weeks or even two months why would it make you feel that much better? Eventually life must go on. To put it another way, to correlate a quick recovery as being insensitive or uncaring is erroneous and to think that people owe each other an arbitrary amount of lamentation, especially when he was the one who was dumped is also flawed.

      My point is that whether you wait a few days, a few weeks, a few months or a few years you are ultimately replaceable and both parties will (should) move on. In other words, what’s the point in waiting for the inevitable?

      1. 20.1.1
        Anonymous 3

        “Please tell me, what is the appropriate amount of mourning that satisfies you until you deem it acceptable for him to move on and sleep with another woman?”

        Dear Anonymous 2

        What Anonymous 1 is saying is that a person who had genuinely loved her would not have been able to go with someone else so quickly.  The very idea wold have disgusted him.  He would have been trying to hang on to his undiluted memories of her – physical, emotional, etc – and even any approaches from other women would have been an annoyance at best and downright revolting at worst.

        You are responding to her post as if she is saying there is a set length of time that a person should wait -as if there is a a kind of etiquette for these things. Nope.  She is saying that his ability to go with someone else so quickly indicated that his ‘love’ for her had never been worth very much in the first place.  If he had waited artificially longer, as you suggest, no that wouldn’t make a difference.  Anonymous 1 is hurt to realise that what she had thought was valuable was actually not so.  You say ‘people heal at different rates’ – but the rate of healing is directly related to how much you cared for the other person in the first place.

        This is obviously not how you feel. That indicates that you have never really been in love and are quite possibly not a very sexual person (note: getting erections and being able to ‘perform’ is not the same as being sexual).

  21. 21
    murray t.

    To Evan’s point on confessing, I guess the difference between a cheater and someone who just made a mistake is that the cheater sees telling the truth and self-preservation as two things that directly conflict with one another. Whereas the guy with integrity who just made a mistake sees telling the truth as essential to his self-preservation.

    You gotta be able to look yourself in the mirror everyday, afterall. Asking your partner to tell the truth if s/he were to cheat – and to subsequently face the consequences – is not that outrageous or laughable a request.

    I’d rather lose a partner I loved but know I treated her fairly than lie to her each day.
    But that’s just me.

    It also sounds to me like you and your ex- enjoyed antagonizing each other, Evan. Those kinds of relationships never last when built on that sort of foundation. You’ve both probably gone on to greener pastures by now.

  22. 22

    OP –

    Did you cheat?
    Arguably, no.
    Did you lie?
    I wasn’t there, so I really can’t tell.

    Did you do something wrong?
    If your 16-month (God, you men quantify relationships the way most women talk about babies. What’s wrong with OVER A YEAR? D*mn.) relationship was with a woman who thinks the way “most” women think —

    If you do nothing else, PLEASE read Serena’s comment again @ #9.

    If you care at all about your MORE THAN A YEAR LONG relationship, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do this.

    First, you had a one night stand while she was probably either in eating Ben & Jerry’s or out getting drunk with her girlfriends.
    Her version of events: SLEAZY.

    And the following is something that you’d think would be a practical concern for BOTH genders, but I guess I’m a woman who will NEVER understand a man’s SEXFIRSTSEXFIRSTSEXFIRST prioritization of sex over just about anything, including death.

    (And I know it’s a “guy thing” because my gay male friends say the exact same thing.)

    Why has NO man who’s talked about this on this post mentioned the possibility of a LETHAL TRANSMITTED SEXUAL DISEASE?!?

    We don’t know if the OP protected himself. We don’t know anything about the woman he slept with. We know condoms can break.

    We DO know that if he goes back with his original GF that he’s automatically put her at risk of catching one, as a result of what he’s done.

    Not judging.

    I just sometimes wonder if it’s worth commenting anymore because so many of you guys just seem to think of relationships in such a quantum-ly different way.

    Doesn’t anyone think of their S.O.’s emotional or physical health anymore?

    Especially in a relationship that lasted more than a year, no matter how many “months” it’s characterized by?

    Do you all honestly believe that cheating and lying are the only “wrong” things you can do to bash someone’s heart in?

    Or is it just about the sex in 21st century America?


    1. 22.1

      He’s not the one who has done anything wrong. She is. She broke up with him, then told him she wanted him back and then got upset when she found out that he (a SINGLE guy) had slept with someone. This is how you seriously crush someone emotionally by the way, she sounds like a cold and cruel woman.
      Also, there wasn’t even emotions involved, it was just a one night stand. If she was overly concerned with her “boyfriend” not catching any STDs she could try not breaking up in the first place just to “test” him. If you care about someone you don’t put them through tests.

      1. 22.1.1

        “Also, there wasn’t even emotions involved, it was just a one night stand.”   Wow – sounds like it’s the guy who is ‘cold and cruel’ not the ex! The ex is just astounded to find out how cheap and fickle her ex is.  That’s all.

  23. 23

    “You want a guy to tell you the truth about cheating? You better be prepared to forgive him and painfully accept his apology. Otherwise, you’re asking for him to lie to you.”

    Respectfully, Evan, I disagree.

    He should be prepared for the possibility that I might forgive him.

    He should also be prepared for the possibility that I might not.

    Given the double standards in our society, I certainly wouldn’t expect him to forgive me, if I were in that hot seat.

    But double standards aside, for him to cheat and then expect to be forgiven is a level of entitled expectation I just can’t get behind.

    I mean, really. If he cheats on me, why should he expect to be forgiven?

    (And, please, no evo-psycho-biobabble about how women are always the more nurturing, patient, and forgiving gender, no matter how heinous the level of BS perpetrated by the man.)

    He isn’t some sort of prince for whom I, the lesser noblewoman, must overlook all slights. This is not Henry VIII’s court we’re talking about here.

    1. 23.1

      Well said, m.  But what we have to remember here is that this is a very biased website – created by a particular kind of guy with a particular axe to grind.  It attracts similar kinds of guys who make similar kinds of posts!  There are a lot of anger issues in their comments. The male sex as a whole is highly dependent on having females love them (love matters much more to men than to women despite common folklore) and they get despairing (expressed as anger, jack-the-lad swagger, etc) when female interest is withdrawn.  One of the biggest signs of how much they are angry and hurting at the woman who has left them (or not shown them as much love as they want) is to go with someone else or – and this happens much more than you might think – pretend that they have.

  24. 24

    Uh, I have to say that asking a partner to tell you if they ever cheat on you and telling them that if they do the relationship will be over–is not asking the partner to lie to you. It’s asking the partner not to cheat on you and explaining what the consequences will be if they don’t comply. Pretty simple.

    And straightforward–unlike cheating and lying about it.

    1. 24.1

      You’re absolutely right about that, but if the truth is what you seek then saying something like that is also probably the worst way to go about getting the truth out of someone. This is because prefacing a relationship with such a statement is in essence a disclaimer, but this particular disclaimer borders on the edge of threat and most of us know how humans react when feeling threatened, even someone who could be considered a good person with integrity may succumb to lying when feeling threatened. My recommendation would be to exclude the consequences part of the statement and you are much more likely to achieve the desired result.

  25. 25

    I would like to thank Selena for her insightful post and perhaps offer a little bit of insight in return. I can’t speak for Brian or every man out there, but a liaison soon after a relationship ends isn’t about replacing anybody. You can’t replace emotions, memories and bonding with just sex.

    When somebody breaks up with you, there is always an element of rejection being felt, no matter how small. Sleeping with a date soon after a relationship provides a feeling of worth and validation as a buffer against the rejection. It also provides affection, being touched, etc…..that helps heal the wounds. Lastly, not to sound crass, but it would also be about doing something positive for yourself. You just got dumped out of a long relationship, you feel down, you feel like you screwed up, you feel rejected. Instead of dwelling on it you are picking yourself up and getting back in the race. You are owning your situation and putting your life back in order.

  26. 26

    Had a couple more thoughts about Brian and the ex-gf: Notice he makes no mention of his remorse (or lack thereof) of the ONS, nor does he think it’s weird about the timing. Perhaps he had an already established pattern of cheating during the relationship, and this was the ultimate proof of character to her. Also, WHY did they break up? WHY did she “push” for it? There’s a ton of stuff there that’s left unsaid.

    I would ask Brian to analyze the actual relationship and see what led to the breakup. The timing and the lie versus truth issues are a bit secondary.

    1. 26.1

      @Lance is a smarty pants.  Great posts. Character absolutely is important. So is “m” comments about potential transmitting of STDs.  That IS reality today. This guy should have thought of that prior to ONS. Everyone should!  And condoms do not protect from herpes, etc. Skin to skin contact, saliva can easily transfer. So his honesty is important and rather necessary to her. I agree 100%. But I do not clarify this as cheating. They were no longer in a relationship together. They were broken up.

  27. 27

    I don’t think this guy Brian did anything wrong but I can also understand why his ex would be hurt. If it had happened to me I would think that our relationship must have not meant that much if he can so easily go out and sleep with another woman so quickly.

    You want a guy to tell you the truth about cheating? You better be prepared to forgive him and painfully accept his apology. Otherwise, you’re asking for him to lie to you.

    Yeah, I take issue with this qoute too. It really negates any responsiblity the cheater has in telling the turth in the name of the reaction of the non-cheater. It puts the reprocusions on the non-cheater which isn’t fair. I think it is obvious the person that was cheated on is going to be hurt. And to suggest that they have to be prepared to offer forgiveness and grace to the cheater , in a situation where the cheater clearly didn’t do any of that themselves, is ridiculous.
    Murry T:
    “Asking your partner to tell the truth if s/he were to cheat – and to subsequently face the consequences – is not that outrageous or laughable a request.”

    Completely agree. And to suggest otherwise is making excuses for the cheater and their behavior and reactions and asking the non-cheater to be accomodating to someone that didn’t do the same.

  28. 28

    “…the cheater sees telling the truth and self-preservation as two things that directly conflict with one another. Whereas the guy with integrity who just made a mistake sees telling the truth as essential to his self-preservation.”

    Beautifully put, Murray. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

  29. 29

    Did you do something wrong?
    If your 16-month (God, you men quantify relationships the way most women talk about babies. What’s wrong with OVER A YEAR? D*mn.) relationship was with a woman who thinks the way most women think

    Do you literally mean “wrong” or do you mean “hurt”?

    The latter almost everyone can accept. The former would imply that you can’t take a woman at her word, which would put women below the level of being responsible adults. That isn’t good.

    I understand how women in this situation can feel hurt, but they hurt themselves. You can’t dump a person and continue to have certain expectations on them.

    1. 29.1

      She didn’t have ‘expectations’.  She thought she knew him – and found out that she didn’t.  It was a shock to the system.  Living with/going out with someone for so long … we come to know them well or at least think we do.  She had thought that the guy would not have shrugged off his feelings and desire for her so quickly – she was wrong.  It’s just as well that she found out how cheap and shallow he is at this stage rather than perhaps becoming engages, getting married – possible having children – and them finding out. Her life totally ruined.  She should count herself lucky.

      And I feel sorry for him.  He has no depth of character, no adult masculinity.  He’ll have a shallow life of porn, bars, ONSs, divorces ….

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