My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me. I Slept With Someone Else. Have I Done Something Wrong?

girlfriend breaking up with boyfriend
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I dated my ex for 16 months. We broke up with no hints of getting back together. 2 weeks later I had a one night stand with someone I don’t know. 1 week later, my ex calls and indicates we should try to get back together. In subsequent discussions, she asks me if I had slept with anyone. Being an honest man, I reluctantly told her yes. She is furious and hurt and is accusing me of cheating and lying to her. I want to be with her, never wanted to be without her (she pushed the breakup), and am disappointed that I hurt her, BUT, do not feel like I cheated or lied. Where do I go from here? Lay low and see if time helps or go all in again and try to win her over again?

Thanks.

Brian

Dear Brian,

You did nothing wrong.

You were broken up.

You had no hints of getting back together.

You did what pretty much any guy would do after a sixteen month relationship.

That doesn’t mean you’re out of the woods yet, but it does mean you’re technically “right”. The problem is that having truth and logic on your side matters very little when discussing emotional issues. This, by the way, is the main reason that I blog. I try to inject a little male logic into the largely feminine realm of relationship discussions. (This does NOT mean women are illogical — I’m just making a generalization here). I don’t actively hope to change the world, but I do hope to observe the world AS IT IS, as opposed to how it SHOULD be.

She probably wanted you cry your eyes out for a few weeks, paralyzed, unable to imagine yourself in the presence of any other woman.

Your girlfriend is caught up in how it SHOULD be. After a long, serious relationship — one in which she still had feelings for you – she was clearly hoping for some dating moratorium. She probably wanted you cry your eyes out for a few weeks, paralyzed, unable to imagine yourself in the presence of any other woman. And then, when she came back to reconcile with her beloved, she was shocked to discover that you had drowned your sorrows in the cleavage of another woman during – GASP! — a meaningless one-night stand. The gall! The disrespect! Did your relationship just mean NOTHING?

It feels pretty ridiculous to type those last few lines because they make no logical sense. You were broken up. You did when men do when they’re single — look for other women. When my serious girlfriend dumped me in 2004, I left her house, red-eyed, drove ten minutes home, and reactivated my JDate account instantly. Would I want to be the first woman to date me after my heart had been shattered? Hell, no. But I certainly wasn’t going to repair my wounds by sitting at home by myself for a month….

This isn’t to say that I don’t have sympathy for your ex-girlfriend. It’s just that it’s HER job to get over this bump in the road. There’s nothing you could do at this point that’s going to fix things. Especially since she asked for your honesty and you gave it to her.

This brings up a rant that I’ve always wanted to have in public forum. It stems from a conversation with a girlfriend from 4-5 years back — a girlfriend that I loved, a girlfriend who was deeply distrustful of men. It was based on her personal experience — she’d been cheated upon, and even dated a polyamorist at a time. As a result, I remember her telling me, point-blank, early in the relationship (and repeatedly thereafter):

“If you ever cheat on me, you’d better tell me. I do not tolerate cheaters and I will break up with you.”

And, me, ever the wise-ass, replied, with a twinkle in my eye, “Well, if you’d break up with me, why would I tell you that I cheated?”

And she’d reply: “Because it’s the right thing to do. It’s the manly thing to do. You’d want to have integrity, right?”

And I’d reply: “Yeah, but what if I made a god-awful mistake — say, drunkenly kissing a stranger at a party in Vegas? What if I made a mistake that I instantly regretted and would never repeat? What if I knew I would never intentionally jeopardize my relationship for any other woman again? What possible incentive would I have to confess, presuming that you’re instantly going to dump me for ‘honorably’ telling you? It just doesn’t make any sense.”

I’m not defending cheating. I am saying that I was living in the real world, and she was living in the fantasy world. In the real world, when someone cheats and realizes the consequences are dire, he’s got no incentive to confess. I can spit gum on the street in Singapore and turn myself in so I can get caned, or I can deny, deny, deny. I can “borrow” lines from a book when writing a term paper, and then tell the professor that I plagiarized, but that wouldn’t be too wise.

You want a guy to tell you the truth about cheating? You better be prepared to forgive him and painfully accept his apology. Otherwise, you’re asking for him to lie to you.

So while I’m not encouraging cheaters, let’s understand what logical behavior follows after infidelity: lies to cover up. You want a guy to tell you the truth about cheating? You better be prepared to forgive him and painfully accept his apology. Otherwise, you’re asking for him to lie to you.

To wrap up, I want to offer a quote from Ramana Hamarshi, “Wanting to reform the world without discovering one’s true self is like trying to cover the world with leather to avoid the pain of walking on stones and thorns. It is much simpler to wear shoes.”

If you’re frustrated with the dialogue here and expect to change men or women, make no mistake about it, you’re trying to cover the world with leather.

 

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Comments:

  1. 21
    murray t.

    To Evan’s point on confessing, I guess the difference between a cheater and someone who just made a mistake is that the cheater sees telling the truth and self-preservation as two things that directly conflict with one another. Whereas the guy with integrity who just made a mistake sees telling the truth as essential to his self-preservation.

    You gotta be able to look yourself in the mirror everyday, afterall. Asking your partner to tell the truth if s/he were to cheat – and to subsequently face the consequences – is not that outrageous or laughable a request.

    I’d rather lose a partner I loved but know I treated her fairly than lie to her each day.
    But that’s just me.

    It also sounds to me like you and your ex- enjoyed antagonizing each other, Evan. Those kinds of relationships never last when built on that sort of foundation. You’ve both probably gone on to greener pastures by now.

  2. 22
    m

    OP –

    Did you cheat?
    Arguably, no.
    Did you lie?
    I wasn’t there, so I really can’t tell.

    Did you do something wrong?
    If your 16-month (God, you men quantify relationships the way most women talk about babies. What’s wrong with OVER A YEAR? D*mn.) relationship was with a woman who thinks the way “most” women think —
    YES.

    If you do nothing else, PLEASE read Serena’s comment again @ #9.

    If you care at all about your MORE THAN A YEAR LONG relationship, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do this.

    First, you had a one night stand while she was probably either in eating Ben & Jerry’s or out getting drunk with her girlfriends.
    Her version of events: SLEAZY.

    And the following is something that you’d think would be a practical concern for BOTH genders, but I guess I’m a woman who will NEVER understand a man’s SEXFIRSTSEXFIRSTSEXFIRST prioritization of sex over just about anything, including death.

    (And I know it’s a “guy thing” because my gay male friends say the exact same thing.)

    Why has NO man who’s talked about this on this post mentioned the possibility of a LETHAL TRANSMITTED SEXUAL DISEASE?!?

    We don’t know if the OP protected himself. We don’t know anything about the woman he slept with. We know condoms can break.

    We DO know that if he goes back with his original GF that he’s automatically put her at risk of catching one, as a result of what he’s done.

    Not judging.

    I just sometimes wonder if it’s worth commenting anymore because so many of you guys just seem to think of relationships in such a quantum-ly different way.

    Doesn’t anyone think of their S.O.’s emotional or physical health anymore?

    Especially in a relationship that lasted more than a year, no matter how many “months” it’s characterized by?

    Do you all honestly believe that cheating and lying are the only “wrong” things you can do to bash someone’s heart in?

    Or is it just about the sex in 21st century America?

    *smh*

    1. 22.1
      John

      He’s not the one who has done anything wrong. She is. She broke up with him, then told him she wanted him back and then got upset when she found out that he (a SINGLE guy) had slept with someone. This is how you seriously crush someone emotionally by the way, she sounds like a cold and cruel woman.
      Also, there wasn’t even emotions involved, it was just a one night stand. If she was overly concerned with her “boyfriend” not catching any STDs she could try not breaking up in the first place just to “test” him. If you care about someone you don’t put them through tests.

      1. 22.1.1
        Anonymous

        “Also, there wasn’t even emotions involved, it was just a one night stand.”    Wow – sounds like it’s the guy who is ‘cold and cruel’ not the ex! The ex is just astounded to find out how cheap and fickle her ex is.   That’s all.

  3. 23
    m

    “You want a guy to tell you the truth about cheating? You better be prepared to forgive him and painfully accept his apology. Otherwise, you’re asking for him to lie to you.”

    Respectfully, Evan, I disagree.

    He should be prepared for the possibility that I might forgive him.

    He should also be prepared for the possibility that I might not.

    Given the double standards in our society, I certainly wouldn’t expect him to forgive me, if I were in that hot seat.

    But double standards aside, for him to cheat and then expect to be forgiven is a level of entitled expectation I just can’t get behind.

    I mean, really. If he cheats on me, why should he expect to be forgiven?

    (And, please, no evo-psycho-biobabble about how women are always the more nurturing, patient, and forgiving gender, no matter how heinous the level of BS perpetrated by the man.)

    He isn’t some sort of prince for whom I, the lesser noblewoman, must overlook all slights. This is not Henry VIII’s court we’re talking about here.

    1. 23.1
      Anonymous

      Well said, m.   But what we have to remember here is that this is a very biased website – created by a particular kind of guy with a particular axe to grind.   It attracts similar kinds of guys who make similar kinds of posts!   There are a lot of anger issues in their  comments. The male sex  as a whole is  highly dependent on having  females love them (love matters much more to men than to women despite common folklore) and they get despairing (expressed as anger, jack-the-lad swagger, etc) when female interest is withdrawn.   One of the biggest signs of how much they are angry and hurting at the woman who has left them (or not shown them as much love as they want) is to go with someone else or – and this happens much more than you might think – pretend that they have.

  4. 24
    Selena

    Uh, I have to say that asking a partner to tell you if they ever cheat on you and telling them that if they do the relationship will be over–is not asking the partner to lie to you. It’s asking the partner not to cheat on you and explaining what the consequences will be if they don’t comply. Pretty simple.

    And straightforward–unlike cheating and lying about it.

    1. 24.1
      Anonymous

      You’re absolutely right about that, but if the truth is what you seek then saying something like that is also probably the worst way to go about getting the truth out of someone. This is because prefacing a relationship with such a statement is in essence a disclaimer, but this particular disclaimer borders on the edge of threat and most of us know how humans react when feeling threatened, even someone who could be considered a good person with integrity may succumb to lying when feeling threatened. My recommendation would be to exclude the consequences part of the statement and you are much more likely to achieve the desired result.

  5. 25
    Steve

    I would like to thank Selena for her insightful post and perhaps offer a little bit of insight in return. I can’t speak for Brian or every man out there, but a liaison soon after a relationship ends isn’t about replacing anybody. You can’t replace emotions, memories and bonding with just sex.

    When somebody breaks up with you, there is always an element of rejection being felt, no matter how small. Sleeping with a date soon after a relationship provides a feeling of worth and validation as a buffer against the rejection. It also provides affection, being touched, etc…..that helps heal the wounds. Lastly, not to sound crass, but it would also be about doing something positive for yourself. You just got dumped out of a long relationship, you feel down, you feel like you screwed up, you feel rejected. Instead of dwelling on it you are picking yourself up and getting back in the race. You are owning your situation and putting your life back in order.

    1. 25.1
      Laura

      Excellent point, Steve.

      Breakups hit men especially hard because they tend not to have the social support system of friends to turn to for comfort as women do. And even if they are surrounded by ‘bros’, men are unable and unwilling to verbalize their emotions.   So they internalize the pain and grief of breakups.

      Post-break up ‘promiscuity’ is an acknowledged male coping method. As Steve points out, the man is seeking the comfort and affirmation of self that he can’t ask for from his peers (as women get from their female friends).

      “To best way to get over a woman is to get under another” (to paraphrase poorly).   The man’s sexual encounters post breakup are almost always one-night-stands/hook ups, meaningless except to stroke his ego, let him feel desirable, shore up his battered self-esteem etc.

      It’s due to both cultural and biological differences between the genders. It has nothing to do with his loyalty or feelings for his ex. It’s possible he will go home after his hookup and cry into a beer.

      Think of his post-breakup one-night stand as the male equivalent of Ben & Jerry’s with a bff.

      OP did nothing wrong. In fact, he was a textbook example of a man grieving a breakup.

       

  6. 26
    Lance

    Had a couple more thoughts about Brian and the ex-gf: Notice he makes no mention of his remorse (or lack thereof) of the ONS, nor does he think it’s weird about the timing. Perhaps he had an already established pattern of cheating during the relationship, and this was the ultimate proof of character to her. Also, WHY did they break up? WHY did she “push” for it? There’s a ton of stuff there that’s left unsaid.

    I would ask Brian to analyze the actual relationship and see what led to the breakup. The timing and the lie versus truth issues are a bit secondary.

    1. 26.1
      tamara

      @Lance is a smarty pants.   Great posts. Character absolutely is important. So is “m” comments about potential transmitting of STDs.   That IS reality today. This guy should have thought of that prior to ONS. Everyone should!   And condoms do not protect from herpes, etc. Skin to skin contact, saliva can easily transfer. So his honesty is important and rather necessary to her. I agree 100%. But I do not clarify this as cheating. They were no longer in a relationship together. They were broken up.

  7. 27
    JerseyGirl

    I don’t think this guy Brian did anything wrong but I can also understand why his ex would be hurt. If it had happened to me I would think that our relationship must have not meant that much if he can so easily go out and sleep with another woman so quickly.

    —————————————————————————–
    You want a guy to tell you the truth about cheating? You better be prepared to forgive him and painfully accept his apology. Otherwise, you’re asking for him to lie to you.

    Yeah, I take issue with this qoute too. It really negates any responsiblity the cheater has in telling the turth in the name of the reaction of the non-cheater. It puts the reprocusions on the non-cheater which isn’t fair. I think it is obvious the person that was cheated on is going to be hurt. And to suggest that they have to be prepared to offer forgiveness and grace to the cheater , in a situation where the cheater clearly didn’t do any of that themselves, is ridiculous.
    —————————————————————————–
    Murry T:
    “Asking your partner to tell the truth if s/he were to cheat – and to subsequently face the consequences – is not that outrageous or laughable a request.”

    Completely agree. And to suggest otherwise is making excuses for the cheater and their behavior and reactions and asking the non-cheater to be accomodating to someone that didn’t do the same.

  8. 28
    beth

    “…the cheater sees telling the truth and self-preservation as two things that directly conflict with one another. Whereas the guy with integrity who just made a mistake sees telling the truth as essential to his self-preservation.”

    Beautifully put, Murray. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

  9. 29
    Steve


    m
    Did you do something wrong?
    If your 16-month (God, you men quantify relationships the way most women talk about babies. What’s wrong with OVER A YEAR? D*mn.) relationship was with a woman who thinks the way most women think
    YES.

    Do you literally mean “wrong” or do you mean “hurt”?

    The latter almost everyone can accept. The former would imply that you can’t take a woman at her word, which would put women below the level of being responsible adults. That isn’t good.

    I understand how women in this situation can feel hurt, but they hurt themselves. You can’t dump a person and continue to have certain expectations on them.

    1. 29.1
      Anonymous

      She didn’t have ‘expectations’.   She thought she knew him – and found out that she didn’t.   It was a shock to the system.   Living with/going out with someone for so long … we come to know them well or at least think we do.   She had thought that the guy would not have shrugged off his feelings and desire for her so quickly – she was wrong.   It’s just as well that she found out how cheap and shallow he is at this stage rather than perhaps becoming engages, getting married – possible having children – and them finding out. Her life totally ruined.   She should count herself lucky.

      And I feel sorry for him.   He has no depth of character, no adult masculinity.   He’ll have a shallow life of porn, bars, ONSs, divorces ….

  10. 31
    Justy

    Seems as if pretty much everyone is agreement that Brian didn’t actually cheat. It looks as if there are two separate points being discussed. One is whether you should admit to your partner whether you cheated or not, and what to expect as a result of the confession. The other is whether it’s OK or not to have a ONS so soon after the breakup of a LTR.

    The 2nd one first – Sometimes we make a surface accusation to cover up something much deeper. Brian’s gf’s accusation that he cheated is very likely a mask based on the hurt that she feels. Gentlemen, I hear your perspective (especially Steve #25) and understand it. Makes perfect sense. Unfortunately, feelings don’t follow logic or sense. If she is hurting as a result of his actions, whether right or not, all the sense and logic in the world isn’t going to make her hurt go away. It’ll probably make it worse because the real issue isn’t being addressed. Emotions aren’t healed by logic and being right. If he cares about taking her back or is considering this reconciliation in any way, Brian needs help her feel that he really does care and it will take time. If he doesn’t, experience and food for thought for next time, and move on.

    Should you admit that you cheated (which by the way doesn’t really apply to Brian’s case since he didn’t really cheat)? In my heart I want to say that you should always be honest, because otherwise trust erodes. The brain, it tells me to keep my big mouth shut! When all is balanced, Murry T. says it all – well said. I could add nothing more.

    to Steve –
    Again, technically, you are correct. If we end a relationship, we shouldn’t continue to have expectations. However, this was a year+ relationship. If there was caring for that length of time, it is unlikely that caring would suddenly stop. The expectation isn’t really a ONS. it is the seeming lack of respect for the relationship’s mourning period (as posted by Anonymous #20) .

    1. 31.1
      Rebecca

      Well said and indeed insightful. This post was most helpful for my similar situation being the ex girlfriend feeling hurt. Also my past relationship involved him cheating (while we were together) and now our current situation, I broke up with him but he immediately started dating someone from an online website within a week of our break up. Even though it is not considered cheating, after 10 years, it would seem too fast to move on. We also disagree with defining “moving on”.

  11. 32
    Selena

    I don’t think these issues are gender specific. Wouldn’t any number of guys be upset to find out their gf-ex-gf had a ONS two weeks after the breakup if they subsequently considered reconcilling? Wouldn’t they also have trouble with the ‘sleaze factor’? Timing? Trust issues? I’d bet a fair number of men would wonder if the gf had her eye on someone BEFORE the breakup and possibly accuse her of cheating and lying as well.

    The point is not whether it’s WRONG to have a ONS after a breakup, it’s that doing so creates a bitter taste and an obstruction when it comes to attempting to reconcile. Perhaps an uneasy feeling that every time there is a tiff, the other party is going to be out looking to get laid. An indication of lack of investment in the relationship.

    Also, I don’t know that many guys who would be automatically prepared to forgive their girlfriends for cheating on them. Truly, the argument that ANYONE should be prepared to forgive such a thing is laughable. You find you either do, or you don’t, or you try, but cannot. Many people who have been cheated on in the past have concluded it’s best for them to not bother with the concept of forgiveness and just move on. Being upfront about that is NOT tacitly asking your partner to lie to you if s/he cheats, it’s being HONEST with them from the start about consequences of actions.

    1. 32.1
      Lewis

      I just dropped by this post, and it is quite like my current relationship. The question is, Selena, have you ever been through something like that???? I am asking because you sound pretty expertice on it, and probably you went through it before. If so, did you recover (from being cheated on) and get back to the relationship??? How you got the trust again?? or you just move on by your self?

      I’m looking forward to your answer……….. right now my mind is just upside down on thoughts I cannot even bear
        

  12. 33
    Evan Marc Katz

    You keep on focusing the idea that women should forgive men for cheating. That’s not the point, although I do feel that infidelity can be forgiven. Here’s the real issue – a logical one, not an emotional one:

    Unless men feel that they will be forgiven for cheating, they have NO INCENTIVE to tell the truth. Murray’s point is well-stated and it appeals to our honorable sides. In fact, it’s a huge reason as to why I don’t think I’ll ever be a cheater – I wouldn’t be able to LIVE with myself; my conscience would eat me alive.

    That said, self-preservation is a lot stronger than honor for, well, pretty much everybody. Bill Clinton. Roger Clemens. Or you, if you cheat on your taxes or fib on your profile. We are selfish by nature, and to think that most men will voluntarily break up a ten year marriage to the mothers of their children for a one-time mistake is absurd. Let’s talk about the real world and how things ARE, instead of how we want them to be.

    30% of people in 30 year marriages have cheated at one time or another. This means that a) lots of people have been lying for self-preservation, and/or b) lots of people have the capacity to forgive for the greater good of the relationship.

    But this absolutist, moralist, pie-in-the-sky, “you should tell me that you cheated on me, upon which I’ll dump you” thing?

    Gimme a break.

    1. 33.1
      Anonymous

      Suppose I tell a  man, who wants to be my fiancé/husband, that for me his  infidelity would make me feel I’d been raped (emotionally, psychologically) and that I would  need his promise that he would tell me immediately if it happened (before ever touching me again) – because only then could I respect him and possible be friends (not lovers) within again in future … what kind of man would the be not to do so?   Just a good, regular, normal guy who is interested in ‘self-preservation’?  He will not die if he tells me…’self-preservation’ doesn’t come into it.   Such a man would be a reptile of the first order.

      At a deeper psychological level (subconscious, unconscious) we all perceive the truth and lies about each other.   This is partly why we just know when something is wrong in certain situations and relationships despite having no hard evidence.   There is increasing evidence that using people asa means to an end in this way is perceived unconsciously in our psyches and is a   significant factor in illness and mental health disorders.   There is no such thing as a free lunch.   Your ‘self-preservation’ (lol) is another person’s ticket to hell.

       

    2. 33.2
      Huh?

      Interesting blog.   Cathartic.

      I am a man.

      Sometimes, we have a different motive for coming clean than simply “telling the truth” or “relieving guilt.”   To the contrary,   when a woman breaks up with a man she is saying: “i don’t want you as a partner.”   Ouch! (on an ego level).   If she comes back around later, that is still going to stick in a man’s mind.   Her reaction to “coming clean” proves to show that she really does want her man back and wants him for herself to the exclusion of all others.

      My girlfriend just broke up with me.   Two days later, i had a one night stand.   I told her and she was so hurt.   Its all very regretful.

      We met three months ago, for the second time.   We were actually one another’s “firsts” – i was her first high school boyfriend and she was my first high school girlfriend.   I took her to the homecoming dance – she broke up with me back then too.

      Twenty-five years later, we meet on a dating app.

      It was positively electric.   Nostalgia is such a powerful emotion.   Our motornuerons were in hyperdrive, and both totally and completely fell head over heals in love as if we were in high school again.

      Once the brain chemistry balanced – we were simply two 41 year old adults (kinda).   She is not very good at communicating her emotions and i’m an emotional sap.   This started to annoy her, as it appeared to me.   We talked about the issue, and her main point would always be: “well, you just need to make yourself happy” or “if you don’t like the way i am, there’s nothing keeping you here” or “we probably make better friends.”   Things like that.

      What i heard was: “I’m just not that into you.”

      So, we broke up.   Amicably.

      Two days later, i slept with someone else.   She called that next day just to catch up and to see how i am doing, and that issue came up.   I told her.   She took it like a punch in the gut, very upset, crying, heartbroken, just absolutely crushed.

      It crushed me too.   I had no idea.

      We’re both pretty smart people.   Not that it matters much, but she is a physician and i am a lawyer.   She understands, intellectually, i did not do anything wrong.   We both understand, now, that what she was saying to me – i.e. “be happy with yourself” was not her saying to me “Im not that into you” but more of an exstential  “know thyself” message, and that she just wanted some time to process her emotions.   (she should have just told me that, i think).

      I know myself – i really did not think that she was that into me.   So, to be completely honest, i told her because i was curious of her reaction.   If she did not care, then she really was not into me, but on the off chance that she did, it would show.

      And it showed.

      She really does understand that i truly believed that she just was not into me the way that i was into her.   I don’t think she actually understood how much she cared/loved me util this happened, quite frankly.

      My point is:   I don’t think it has anything to do with integrity.   If you are going to break up somebody you break up with somebody; moving on is an inevitability.   In fact, if i did not tell her, then, we would be grappling with the same communication issues that plagued us before.   The “occurrence” as it has now come to be known was the catalyst that brought us to a deeper understanding of the other.   So, if we do get back together, it will be better and if we do not then we became better friends and people for it, having a deeper understanding of what each other, in and of ourselves, want out of a relationship.

      It looks like we will get back together.   🙂

      Cheating is different.   Its more of a betrayal of trust.   Don’t break up with somebody and not mean for it to be just that, breaking up and moving on.   If you believe you just need time, say that.   Make sure the other person understands during the cooling off period that dating is not in the cards.   The other counterparty is then in a position to evaluate if they want to wait or break up altogether as well.

  13. 34
    Steve

    Justy;
    The phrase “technically correct” to me, implies that the person is wrong anyway. FWIW, being logical does solve emotional problems. It is called cognitive behavioral therapy. It has been clinically proven to be more effective then medication for several psychological issues. Its core idea is that emotions are reactions to our thoughts. Change the thoughts and the emotions change.

    Selena;
    I like your “tables turned” analogy. If I broke up with my girlfriend, changed my mind 2 weeks later, contacted, and found out that she slept with another I would indeed be hurt. I would also consider it to be my own fault because I told her we were through and I set her free.

  14. 35
    Selena

    Yes Steve, I agree. That is a conclusion Brian’s gf/ex-gf needs to come to as well if they are to reconcile successfully.

  15. 36
    Ron

    Anonymous-

    if you’re going to personally criticize somone’s posts here, at least have the courage to post your real name, rather than some juvenile “anonymous” post.

    Grow up.

  16. 37
    lorelei

    EMK: “But this absolutist, moralist, pie-in-the-sky, you should tell me that you cheated on me, upon which I’ll dump you thing?

    Gimme a break.”

    I’d say a break is exactly what your ex-gf gave you. A break-up, that is. And with your position, I have to admit I could see myself having done the same if I were her. I personally do not relish being told that my ideals are unrealistic, unattainable, or silly.

    It sounds to me like you weren’t opposed to her stance against infidelity, so much as shellshocked by her delivery. That’s fair enough.

    But that doesn’t make either one of you right or wrong. It just means the two of you were not meant to be.

    So all is as it should be.

  17. 38
    Ron

    Samantha,

    You are setting yourself up for a major personal lawsuit by posting personal material of someone else on YouTube and posting pictures of “cheaters” on a website when they have not given you the photos to do so.

    I am not defending cheaters, and I believe what goes around comes around.

    But, you should brush up on Internet law or else you are going to get cleaned out by a personal civil lawsuit.

    I have just read of cases where people’s reputations were damaged online by someone doing what you are doing, and the juries are very sympathetic to the victims.

    Not a good idea. But you’ll probably have to learn the hard way.

  18. 39
    Selena

    Evan,
    Some people DO forgive cheating. And some who cheat decide to keep their mouths shut about it. There are people who choose to look the other way about cheating to preserve their lifestyle as well. That’s the real world.

    The INCENTIVE should be NOT to cheat.
    It’s the idea that you should be either be prepared to forgive cheating, or be prepared to be lied to about it that is absurd.

  19. 40
    Steve

    Selena;
    I thought you have a very good point about the perils of his ex-gf possibly straining a resume relationship in the future by throwing his activities back in his face. I have two friends who were almost divorced over something like that.

    Samanthah;
    When I first read your post my thought was “serves the bum right”, but I think it also makes you look dangerous. Payback is finite. At some point a person has paid for their crime and been punished. You need to know when to quit.

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