How Close Should My Boyfriend Be With His Ex?

How Close Should My Boyfriend Be With His Ex?
This may be an age-old question. My boyfriend is best friends with his ex-girlfriend. They dated for two and a half years, broke up 5 years ago, have many mutual friends. They met in graduate school and went through some hard times together, so I understand why they stay friends.

However, they are way too close. They talk on the phone 2-3 times a week, meet up for lunch/dinner. My boyfriend once told me she’s so important to him that if we ever get married and have a house, she would be invited to our house for holiday dinners. The first time I met his mom, she could not stop talking about the ex. She told me their entire dating story, why they broke up, how the ex-girlfriend’s parents still think my boyfriend is the best guy for her (oh yeah, the mom is also good friends with the ex girlfriend’s parents). Of course, I was annoyed but maintained my cool. I did have a discussion with my boyfriend after this incident, and he thought his mom was inappropriate.

The ex-girlfriend also will not stop posting on his Facebook wall almost daily, with intimate posts (“awww… your stress won’t last much longer”), pictures of their families having thanksgiving dinner last year before we started dating, pictures of them dancing together back in graduate school, etc.

I don’t think her intentions are pure. I trust my boyfriend 100% and I really don’t think he’ll cheat on me with her. I just think the whole situation is disrespectful to me and her behavior is very inappropriate. He’s letting her do that to me and to our relationship. He refuses to distance himself from her and thinks I’m being unreasonable by asking him to do so. I have met the ex-girlfriend. She was extremely nice to me, so much so it felt unnatural since she doesn’t know me at all.

So, my question is what kind of friendship with the ex is too much? Where do we draw the line? Am I being a jealous girlfriend to feel the way I feel? I have dated guys who were on civil terms with their exes and I was even friends with the exes, so I really don’t think I have jealousy or insecurity tendencies, it’s just that this situation makes me really uncomfortable. –Irene

Some men are better boyfriends than husbands.

Dear Irene,

Your story reminded me of someone I know – a female friend who has a similar relationship with her ex-boyfriend. It seems pretty clear from the outside that the ex-boyfriend is her best friend and “soulmate”, while the husband is merely the father to her children. The husband provides money and stability, but they don’t truly connect the way she does with her ex. The husband seems to accept this and there is virtually no probability that she would leave him for the man she dumped seven years ago. Some men are better boyfriends than husbands, she concluded. And she’s right.

Which is why I’m not willing to go out on a limb and suggest that you’re in the same situation. After all, I don’t have all the facts. Among the important ones:

How old are you? 35-year-olds are usually better decision makers than 25-year-olds. They’re often better able to separate relationships into different components and can see things clearer in retrospect. I have a number of girlfriends that I’m appalled that I ever dated, a handful of girlfriends who were wonderful whom I didn’t appreciate, and a few girlfriends that really, would have been better off as friends. I’m guessing this guy is no different.

How long have you and your boyfriend been together? If you’re a recent couple, you don’t really have a right to say anything about how he lives his life. You don’t have any leverage on a man until he loves you, and the more you pressure him to change, the less likely he’s going to be busting out the “L-Word” any time soon.

Nothing makes a man want to cheat (or leave) more than a girlfriend who doesn’t trust him.

And the most important fact that we’re not privy to…

Who dumped whom? Usually, the person who got dumped is the one who still wanted to be in the relationship. The person who did the dumping is the one who thought long and hard about whether it was a wise decision to end a 2 ½ year relationship. If your boyfriend concluded that, all things considered, his ex was not a good fit for him in the longterm, whether its due to different views on sex, money, religion, or personality conflicts, then that’s all you need to know. Ask yourself this: would YOU take back anyone that you’ve dumped? That’s right. Neither would we.

And the real truth is that I wouldn’t take back anyone who dumped me either. Sure, at the time, I was reeling, and wishing things could be different. But then the smoke began to clear and I started to see my ex’s for what they were – normal, flawed women, not visions of perfection like I made them out to be. So even those who dumped me wouldn’t get a second shake today. Think about the men who dumped you and whether you’d truly take them back. I’m guessing you wouldn’t.

At the end of the day, it’s not my place to say whether they’re “too close”. Two to three times a week does seem excessive, I’ll admit. What I would probably suggest is that if you’re “the one” for your boyfriend, he’ll start to show it in his actions and won’t want to spend as much time and energy on his ex. You won’t have to say anything at all to make it happen. If you find you’re not getting your relationship needs met, you can leave. In the meantime, get out of your own way. You’re getting yourself tied up in knots and it’s surely not serving your goal of maintaining a healthy relationship with your boyfriend.

You’re the one who just said you trust him 100%.

You’re the one who said he won’t cheat with her.

How about you start living your life like it?

Because nothing makes a man want to cheat (or leave) more than a girlfriend who doesn’t trust him.

As I’ve said many, many times before, it’s either full trust or no trust.

What do you think is going to lead to a better relationship.

And if anyone wants to get on my case about telling her to accept her boyfriend’s behavior, please go back to that paragraph where I said that if she’s not getting her relationship needs met, she should leave. But if she’s GOING to be in the relationship, the way to handle it is to be trusting, not edgy and jealous.

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  1. 61

    I am in a similar situation but his ex doesn’t know about me after a year. They talk text weekly he says shes his best friend he broke up with her and is not attracted to her she tries to buy his love. He told me recently she texted him she needed a hug ( he hasnt seen her since we broke up 6 months ago shes his inbetween relationship date) he said they made plans for dinner next week… So I said great can I come along been wanting to meet her  … He said sure… will see if he ever goes to the dinner with me dont think hes ready to tell her about me weird huh? If he would have said no I cant come I would be rethinking my relationship with him. All my needs are getting met so this is just trying to work with it in my own way . i agree with Evan if your needs outside of this are not getting met next him. Byw Love you Evan miss the inner circle forum! 

  2. 62

    I have to say I don’t think this ex’s intentions are pure either. I think she is trying to be sneaky with actively posting pictures of them together on Facebook. OK so if talking 2-3 times a week and getting lunch and dinner isn’t satisfactory she is going out of her way to remind him of what it was like in their relationship. I have reason to believe that someone was doing this with an ex of mine. It’s like…don’t they have another boyfriend to post pictures of? Didn’t that relationship end? Why are they leaving these old pictures of their relationship if it’s over? If I were Irene, I would try to have a conversation about this. Discuss all your fears. If he isn’t saying the right things…well you will have to accept this or leave. I think a lot of people would be very uncomfortable with this. At the very least, she’s nice to you and your boyfriend is honest about it. Foster that, it’s a plus.  My Dad and Mom had a mutual friend since before I was born. My Dad had dated her. Every so often, he would visit her solo, but rarely. She was mostly around for family affairs, not emotional support. Maybe in time this girl will give up. I think it’s WEIRD when exes still have close involvement like that, but some people can really do it!

  3. 63

    I dont know your relationship so I can’t say anything for certain. I can however tell you about a situation I’ve been in. My current boyfriend and I started dating 2 years ago a month after he had broken up with his ex. He broke it off with her cause we had hit it off and were getting closer as the months went by and i refused to assist him in cheating on her, he got an ultimatum. He left her and I thought we were happy, but he would often try to tell me things about their failed relationship or mention that she had contacted him. It made me uncomfortable that they spoke together that soon after ending the relationship and I expressed my discomfort. He denied that there was anything and refused to “dump” her as a friend because he cared about her. He also claimed he had no feelings for her, he was with me and was happy and insisted she had also moved on with her life. I decided I wasn’t interested in keeping a relationship where my feelings weren’t prioritized so I told him I wanted a break, which turned into a full break up since neither of us contacted each other. Fast forward 6 months, he calls me and wants to talk. It turns out he had at the time some confused feelings about his ex and about getting into a relationship so quickly after they broke up and admitted that he ja thought he still might have feelings for her. After talking to her during our break he realized that he didn’t, and that the relationship was 100 % over. He asked for a second chance and I gave him one. We are madly in love and have been for the past year and at my request he has no contact with her at all, nor does he want to. I also know that he loves me now and would be willing to do anything I would ask of him. The morale of this story is to explain that if  he is disregarding your feelings, you are not his priority. Always trust a man when he shows you how he feels and never listen to words, often they will tell you what they themselves want to be true, but they will always do what is actually true in their hearts. Don’t analyze things too much and don’t be afraid to walk away. if he loves you he will prioritize you and listen to you. Your opinions will matter to him and he will do anything to make you happy. Talking to his ex girlfriend and seeing her regularly speaks volumes to me and no one can tell you what is right for you. However, I always tell everyone, don’t compromise how you feel and what you want because you are afraid. if you lose him because of someone else, he was only temporarily you’re.

    1. 63.1


      It’s probably been ages since you posted this, but thank you for your response. It is really helping me. My situation is very similar to yours, only I didn’t stay away long enough. Six months is what it should have been, and maybe now I will do just that. I stayed away only a matter of weeks until he came back and said he was sure he wanted only me, and was getting her out of his life. We have such an intense love and attraction – at our best, we inspire each other to be better people and I have never loved anyone this intensely – but I met him too soon after his breakup of 12 years. Things were going well after I accepted him back this past August, after we broke up because he was hanging out with her all too often. At least, I thought they were going well. 

      Fast forward to this week: I hadn’t heard about her in ages and thought she had finally moved on, until I found out this past weekend that they hung out for the entire day that we were supposed to be together, and he didn’t tell me. “Just as friends,’ he said, but it broke my heart. She is still in love with him and I knew it would only be a matter of time until she was back (she does the Facebook posting also, which is awkward since now their friends all think they’re back together. He’s asked her to remove some photos but she keeps putting them up – as she did this past Sunday, which is sadly how I found out). When I finally asked him directly he admitted it to me. I believe him that they didn’t cross any physical lines, but I know she wants him back and this is emotional cheating. He denies there’s anything left but come on. Why lie about it?  I can’t be involved in this crap. If he wants to see her that badly – then fine. I can’t control that but I need to be away from it. Oh, did I mention she doesn’t know we’re back together? 

      I should have been stronger and just stayed away, let this thing play out however it was going to play out between them. A couple of weeks of us being apart wasn’t enough time to really put actions behind his words and to be sure he was really finished with her (if he even is).

      You’ve inspired me to be stronger, Allezia. He and I work together and I’m leaving next week for a new job opportunity, so it will be good to have the space. My plan isn’t a dramatic breakup because that would make my last week of work even more difficult emotionally: I’m just being cordial and keeping my distance, making it clear I’m not his girlfriend (yes, I’m avoiding a dramatic ending because I’ve got too much on my plate at the moment). We’re doing group events and I keep saying I’m too busy for anything else.

      However, my decision is clear: I can’t do this anymore. I can’t put my trust in someone who hasn’t yet closed the book on his past life. Now I need to move forward and if he catches up with me sometime down the road, then it’s meant to be. If not, oh well. I love him so much that I’m okay letting him go. I’ll be sad, but I know I’ll survive. 

  4. 64

    I think boyfriend and mom are being very disrespectful of the new girlfriend this is not looking good. I don’t see him as cutting down on the contact, but sneaking if she  tells him she doesn’t like it. I catch up- over the phone every couple of months- with a man I was with for three years. I am friends with his cousins. I don’t go to their family functions, the new woman does, as is appropriate. I have a family.
    I also have a new boyfriend of 7 mths that is way too close to his ex. He talks on the phone weekly that I know of. She is married and lives several hours away. He thinks we should meet, as she is staying at his place this very wknd. I don’t see him as ever cheating, it’s not  that. What I am bothered by is his deep emotional attachment with her. They lived together 14 yrs, have been apart for 5 and said that was mutual. He says she is his family as he has none. HE thought they could share the bed when she stayed as it is only sleeping and they have done it before and he only has one bed. I said no to that or I’m done here.He respected my wishes on that but she will be spending three days with him and I am here. He wants us to meet for a drink and the thought of it does NOT feel good to me. I feel like I’m in a threesome. It’s like men that can’t cut the cord with mom, only it’s an ex and WE are middle aged.

  5. 65

    I went through something similar and it ruined my relationship with my sons father.  Lets just say I have MAJOR trust issues with him for that now.  My mother-in-law and his family were the same and it caused to much tension.  In my case though they both lied about their friendship and would hide it from me because they didnt want to “‘hurt”‘ my feelings.

    I have ex’s that are friends, but not to that extent. Its a hello whenever I bump into them on the street or a Happy Birthday if i remember. After this incident, I would say that a relationship with an ex that is that close, is not a good idea unless you actually TRULY are ok with it.   I feel like NO friend ex or platonic should ever come between any relationship.  Family members are the only ones that should always be there.

  6. 66

    regardless of how we title relationships, what is really the most important is the Relation –  Ship  between two people. Your significant other should be your best friend, but not your ONLY friend, and if they are best, they cant really complain if someone else is just as close in some ways.
        Your significant other is supposed to be someone you can trust, and it goes both ways; you cant trust someone if you are unable to get past their other relationships, but you also can NOT trust someone who doesnt accept your feelings and relationships with other people around you.
         If a person was in love with their ex, theyd leave, and date them. Staying with someone and keeping close friends, shows the partner that their lovers relationship with themselves is higher even than the closer friendships.

       In short, no internet article is going to be a substitution for real communication with your partner about their feelings =)

  7. 67

    Advice: spend some time on yourself and keep your options open. 
    Seek out activities that make you feel and look amazing and confident. Casually date other men say at a charity speed date,  he’ll see you being fun, confident and truly loving yourself. That’ll turn him on like 100000000000 % and make this ex of his seem desperate. Be polite to her if you see her, genuinely compliment her when he sees how cool you’re being with this,  it will set you apart from her in a great way. Genuinely do not make yourself too available for him and you do not need to explain every detail of your plans,  leave a little mystery, even if it’s a night in lol with a bottle and a dvd. It’s your ‘ you ‘ time. Can I suggest a new perspective. Look at the relationship you want and how that will meet your needs,  your deal breakers and let that guide you,  follow your female intuition, if you are ready to settle then be picky with the men,  as before. Go on casual dates enjoy the company of other males!  Who knows the right guy for you could be round the corner and the last thing you’d want is to be saddled with a man who has more.baggage than BRITISH AIRWAYS flight who your playing second fiddle to an old flame!  Goodluck be your amazing self as there’s only one beautiful you in this world x

  8. 68

    I’m dating a man who has a handful of female friends – mostly ex’s. One recently moved to our city and is calling regularly – my guy wants to include her in our outings so she can meet more people. Another ex (who dumped him 5 years ago) often drops by and they do favors for one another. They talk regularly because he knows a lot about her comings and goings. Another women (married) friend used to come to his house for coffee almost every morning and they used to walk their dogs together -that stopped when his dog died and now she only comes about once a week. I know that she does this out of respect for me and I really appreciate that and do not feel threatened by her, although when it was an every day thing it bothered me.
    I must admit it’s stressing me out about the other two women. It’s them I don’t trust because of their lack of respect for me. I’m quite sure that the one who recently moved back to our city came back for him.
    My guy knows it bothers me but he does not seem to have any boundaries with these women and wants to remain friends with them. I suppose …..either that or we wants to have his cake and is not capable of having a true committed relationship.
    I recently told him that I am considering connecting with a couple of my ex’s. Maybe there is something to it and I’m missing out on a good thing. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander!! I wish that felt like a good decision but I really don’t think that is the answer.
    I’m actually seeing a counselor about it tomorrow – part of my angst is due to my own upbringing and my father cheating on my mom with other woman. I would like to clear that pain and hoping that will help me with my jealousy over other women and my man.
    Even if I end up dumping his ass at least I will have cleared some of my past issues.

    1. 68.1

      Hi Linda, how did it go with a counselor?  Did he say it’s normal behaviour? Hope you are well.

  9. 69
    Amy Leese

    Hi I went through a similar but less exaggerated situation. I’d only been with my boyfriend for 3 months. Note that I am 8 years older than him. Before we went on our first date, his ex, who is the same age, posted a photo of the two of them in a cafe on facebook.
    I was confused and had to ask if he really was single. He assured me they were just friends and that she has trouble letting him go, but he won’t get back together with her, despite his  continued friendship with her.
    For the next three months, we had an amazing time getting to know each other, in the honeymoon stages if you will. Then,  it came crashing down. On a random night out, he pulled out his phone and on it was a text from her, asking him if she could stay over, because she is in town.
    It sent all sorts of alarm bells ringing. I promptly responded by saying he needs to manage the boundaries with her, because I will not put up with her inappropriate behaviour. He phoned her a couple of days later, laid out the situation, and why she can not act like this. He said she understood, and was sorry. This, however, I really did not believe.
    Then, we went to Poland for his birthday, and he went with her a couple of years ago. So, on his birthday, even after he laid out the boundaries, she posted an inappropriate message about how he shouldnt go back to that hostal they stayed in before (where they had sex), but how she hopes he has a great birthday. I know she was doing that because she doesnt want him to forget her. But its abit sad all the same.
    In my mind, she was never going to give up so he called her again and said she should have no contact because her behaviour was causing friction, and causing me pain.
    He did all the right things, but by that time, the damage was already done. I now pictured a crazied ex, who was going to show up at the events we were going to and dinners we’d organized. She didnt show up to any of them, but it made me a bit  of a mess. Where I was a confident, loving girlfriend, suddenly I became a paranoid, mistrusting and cynical woman… no one would want to date me. The ex-effect.
    In the end I wondered if it was worth it, whether or not I should continue, because it was making me so unhappy.  But after a very long and difficult conversation, he assured me she had not contacted him at all, not even by text. I had to understand the reasons why he wanted to continue his friendship with her. Turns out hes always looked after her, and that he couldn’t stop doing so. He wanted to see her grow up, and mature. I felt as if his paternal instincts and her frequent issues made him feel wanted.
    However, he was used to putting up with her selfish and immature behaviour  in their relationship, he didn’t think to question it anymore. That was until I came into the picture. 
    In the end, I realised though, that hes done all that’s possible to make me feel secure. If I cant get over it, then Ill lose someone I love dearly. We did come close to breaking up that evening but it was at that point I realised how important he is to me. So in the end, I also need to move on, trust him, and not let his ex get the better of me.

  10. 70

    Honestly, I think this kind of “chronology” has some kind of emotional retardedness at its basis. If you are doing things with your new partner and you are emotionally healthy, you will naturally forget about your ex and will not want to keep contact with them. If you don’t, then you are probably not emotionally calibrated. It’s just my view. Emotional calibration is natural, biological thing. It comes when you do social and biological things with your CURRENT partner, with a full focus. If it doesn’t calibrate, it’s like when you have twisted joint. You go get help to have it fixed. Better have someone put that joint in order even with lots of pain involved than to pretend your joint is healthy when it obviously isn’t.

  11. 71
    Jenny Lane

    RUN!! People do get back together – My Last Boyfriend Was Living with his ex girlfriend after she dumped him two years prior to that. I told him I didn’t want to pursue a relationship with him if he was going to continue living with her – We only dated for two months – but they were super intense and I was In LOVE and So was he… But after declaring his love for me on a Friday Night – The next Saturday The Ex Decides she wants another chance with him after he tells her she needs a new roomate and he is moving out to pursue a life with me – (he also pays for her life completely) So he responds to the tug on the choke chain and dumps me the next day. I am still heart broken nearly a year later – If you are in a relationship with a man – you have to be his number one woman and his only go to woman ( only sisters and cousins and mothers are other acceptable women for him to turn to) You will always wonder if you are second best – and chances are if he never lets go you are 🙁

  12. 72

    I broke up with an exboyfriend for the same reason… he went back with his ex. Everyone’s story may vary though.

  13. 73

    It does take put a strain on a rrelationship big time…my common law boyfriend has an ex he’s known since he’s 12…he’s now 44….they are friends and get along but I feel often at my expence. She ways calling and using their son as an excuse I think to still manipulate and control him after 12yrs of divorce.  She’s remarried but finds the need to be the centre of attention and control her current husband and her ex…it’s very difficult and its a learning process. The fact that I love him keeps me here …but in the same sense resentment is here too…I guess u gotta look at the fact he is with you and if u can look past an immature ex…them that’s have the battle…..just sucks feeling second best at times….everyone deserves  to feel like they are the most important in a rrelationship 

  14. 74

    I have a boyfriend whose ex shows up at all his gigs, interjects herself into our life to the point that she has dinner with him and I’m now being told NOT to come to his gigs because amongst other things I think he should sit with me. I had tried one time reserving a table and his ex-girlfriend got the table.

    When I would go to his gigs I would have to sit with the ex-girlfriend. She DOES NOT have a boyfriend and she is works three jobs. She goes without sleep just so she can see him. His musician friends who sit with him … end up sitting with her because … naturally he is seated at her table.

    After about a year of this I’m fed up. He’s accusing me of going to his gigs to see her. I ACTUALLY show up at the end of his gigs hoping not to see her … and then I do … she’s dutifully standing in line for his food. He mentions he needs a napkin she runs to fetch one.

    1. 74.1

      Leave him. He’s shown you where you stand.

  15. 75

    Well I have felt with my ex and his ex girlfriend being friends. They where dating for 4 yrs and was talking about marriage. I gave the girl the benefit of the doubt I wasn’t jealous or anything like that. I knew they were friends and I let them be. Now she started getting very disrespectful towards me and him. That’s hen I found out she was the jealous one and very insecure. I told him to stop talking to her and he did and deleted her number but that don’t stop her from contacting him in some sort of way. After 2 yrs of our relationships I had to say goodbye it was too much and she seems like she wasn’t going anywhere.

  16. 76
    carley simo

    my bf of 7 years was in a car accident and thought it was ok to recover at his ex wifes place. He tried to hide it from me but I found out the hard way and was devistated he begged me to wait for 8 weeks until he recovered but 8 weeks turned into 8 months. He needed a hospital bed and her place was convient for him. I am not waiting any longer!!!

  17. 77

    No way Jose! It would be down to him picking me or her. Who has time to waste on someone else when a relationship takes so much time as it is to sustain itself. The ex needs to move on with her life and find someone else- this is the healthy thing to do. High codependency here. Also trust is not either there or not- that is a very male thing to say or expect. Trust is something that takes times esp for women regarding their relationship with men- it is not instant or just there. Perhaps if you are each other’s first partner or knew each other a long time before you got involved, you would have trust in the very beginning. If the guy respects her, he will say something to his ex to protect the person who is priority for him- bottom line!

  18. 78

    When I first started dating my boyfriend, he was still socialising with his ex girlfriend, meeting up every month or so. I found it hard to trust him, because we hadn’t been seeing eachother very long. she was seeing a new man, but when this relationship became shortlived, she turned to her ex-boyfriend (my current boyfriend) for support. Red flags!

    Anyway, I found out that my boyfriends past relationship (his longest and first relationship) was in part, emotionally abusive. He supported her when she was depressed and she in turn, was emotionally abusive because of her black moods. She poisioned everything because she was so unhappy. But this went on for 5 years. In the end she exhausted him, because the support could not be a two way street.

    When they broke up (the final time), he still felt responsible for her, and wanted her to be ‘doing well’ as a reason to maintain contact. She had been dependant on him for her self esteem, clearly.

    At first glance, his initial friendship post breakup would appear suspect – that he still had feelings for her, or was still in love with her. In a way, his actions facilitated her clingy behaviour to the point where it became laughable.

    In actual fact, after I encouraged him to see a therapist, he realised he was weak, and his own issues – need to nurture and gain acceptance overtook everything else. His need to please, rather than romantic or unresolved feelings for her, was that drove his behaviour towards her, and others. Unfortunately that “Mr Nice guy” has filtered in the other relationships – with his family, and colleagues.. He was a people pleaser/rescuer to the core and has been taken advantage of.

    Once he identified that, he managed to put some boundaries in that showed her he had changed and the previous dynamic was longer going to exist anymore.

    Knowing that she is mentally unstable, has low confidence (which is why she couldn’t let go of my boyfriend), and knowing all this means I don’t need to be threatened of the history she had with him. Basically she has qualities that noone would find attractive, (he said it was his first relationship and he didn’t know any better). So when she kept initiating contact, and insisting he continue emotionally supporting her, I used to take it as a threat. In the end I can only feel sorry for her.

    I had to have the compassion and the patience to understand his core being, but its been worth it. Now we have been together for almost a year, (time has built trust) and although we are polar opposites in certain things, (im more black and white than his is) but that thats okay. In fact, we are now are very happy.

    He has very limited contact with his ex now and he is working on being more assertive, in all his relationships which is bringing out alot of positivity in his life now. I’m happy to have helped (even if i was going a bit mad at one point, trying to work it all out)

  19. 79

    i am currently is such a situation, being the EX. the girlfriend hates my guts. i have tried befriending her a couple of times, and just when i think we getting somewhere, it blows up. in the end, it all ends in lies, because my friend has to lie to his girlfriend all the time. Honestly, i have ended the friendship with my best friend on numerous occasions, we always end up needing each other. we were friends long before we hooked up, . it ended because he has commitment issues, and still does. I am part of his family, his mom i call mom too! the new girlfriend does not see that yet, only dating for 4 months. i have advised him to be honest, and open with her. Choosing your mans friends just pushes them further from you.

  20. 80

    Here is where Evan is actually  very very WRONG.

    These exes I speak of are the dating ones, that do NOT include children. That is a whole different situation.

    In cases, where the ex is causing a problem?  It is because MOST of the time when people split up they go their separate ways.  I see no reason not to say hello and social talk if you run into one another occasionally.  That is the polite and gracious thing to do.  However, when an ex, who remains close ‘friends’, calling, texting etc etc – and lets be real, 99% of the time it is because ONE is still harboring very real loving feelings for the other – is creating a problem with a new relationship?   For said relationship to succeed, the ex must be cut out.

    The minute, the very nano second your loved one picks up on an uneasy feeling over an ex, and is asking you to cut ties?  They just picked up silent signals.  They may not know they did, yet they feel it and can sense it.  If you really want your new relationship to work? Cut the ex out!!

    I have seen this time and again, people try and be open minded, and think they are being oh so cool and accepting only to find out, devastatingly so that they have been made a total fool of!  The one they love?  ‘Accidentally’ was seduced by the ex.  This is WAY more common than people want to admit.  Save yourself the grief, if the man or woman you are dating, being intimate with, are envisioning a future with and yet you have thier ‘ex’ causing you problems?  Calling them? Texting, perhaps your loved one KNOWS to much about the goings on in the ex’s life?  HUGE HUGE RED FLAG!!!!   You pull back on this relationship right NOW!!!!

    Talk to your loved one, if they are NOT willing to cut ties with this ‘ex’?  MOVE ON!!!  That means 100%, without a doubt that YOUR feelings just took second place to an ex.  DUMP THIS PERSON NOW!!

    Now I am sure I will get flamed by a few, and go ahead, flame away.  But bottom line?  I am right, you know I am right. Case closed.




    1. 80.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      “Bottom line? I am right, you know I am right. Case closed.”

      The soundest way to make sure no one takes you or your argument seriously is to insist that no one else’s point of view is valid. Well done.

      1. 80.1.1

        Well put and you are right.   That was close minded of me.  I should be open to listening to others points of view, I will have to work on that.

        That being said however, I do believe with all my heart that when a man or woman will not back burner an ‘ex’ as a friend  (again, when children are not involved) for a current relationship?  You are NOT the first priority.  NO one should stay in that situation.  It is a recipe for disaster and pain.

        1. Jo

          There are some who have a long history with an ex – one that always includes triangulation with new girlfriends.    Never-married Narcissists do this with ease.

          One fellow I use to know was stuck like glue to his ex who he had lived with off and on since he was 30.   He is 50 something now and STILL uses her as his backup plan.     Best part is the ex – pseudo wife must be 70 yrs old by now.      He dates other woman all while living with his mommy, or keeps her hidden or compartmentalized from other people.      Everyone at work was like … Oh my, some kind of co-dependent mother-son scenario – or cougar dating thing gone BAD.

          I always wonder about those who are 50+ and have never married anyone – what is their game?    I guess now a days marriage is on the way out but in the 70s and 80s it was still in style.  🙃

  21. 81

    hey irene, im going through the same thing right now just that my boyfriend and i have been together for almost a year now and we just started to face the problem of his ex breaking up with her boyfriend and talking to my boyfriend for help in her recovery process.

    in my opinion i think you should talk to him about it. communication is key in a relationship so you just need to get your feelings across and just express to him. if he truly loves you, he will find a way to make sure that the ex does not destroy your relationship.

    every lady deserves someone who makes her truly happy and someone that makes her smile at anything. so i hope everything works out for you. just talk to him and if it doesn’t work out, he just lost someone amazing.


  22. 82

    My current guy and I have been together 10 months. Bonus is we’ve known each other 10 years. Recently I noticed that he was contacting a female friend of his more often. Texts almost everyday. Never present during a phonecalls, but I notice a few months prior that he started taking walks to make certain phonecalls. Not routine for him at all. Texts he’s showed me about them talkibg about butterflies, sending pictures back and forth of them. Hes never in ten years ever showed any interest in butterflies. He often talks about her and things they did together. These things to me are things you do with your woman, not another female. So out of frustration and anger, I did what was wrong and went through his phone to see just how friendly this friendship was. Texts everyday, yes. Most texts initiated by him, starting with love, baby, sweetie etc… An eagerness from him to know everything going on in her life. Like vacation pictures. The butterfly was a pic from him to her because it reminded him of her. Then he tells her she’s his “butterfly”. When i questioned him about her, she was just a friend. Then when I specifically asked who exactly was she, that had such an impact on his life, for them to be that close? He said well we only dated one month. Besides she lives in FL. Ok. But I still think based on new facts from his phone thag this relationship is still a little too close. So i sucked it up and took a chance on ruining the last twn months with the man of my dreams. I told him i went through his phone and didn’t like how close they were. I also didn’t like the fact she was suddenly visiting a city that was only 5 hours away. Why hadn’t he told me she was visiting that close. Work related or not. Why was he so anxious to know  if she had left yet. And why was he so excited to hear she had arrived.

    He thinks I’m crazy now and he can’t trust me. I’ve betrayed his trust going through his phone. But what about me? The first time we spoke about it he asked me if it bothered me. Yes. And turn asked if I didn’t want him to do it. Yes. Wasn’t that enough to know from me to cut the shit? I don’t know? Guess I’m crazy.

  23. 83

    I can’t do it!!!  It bothers me that he doesn’t see that it bothers ME!!!  “She is just my friend.”  But everytime she needs help, or she calls you-you go hopping and skipping and running.  AND SHE’S GOT A BOYFRIEND!!!  It ain’t my fault she picked a jackass for a boyfriend.  You are not Captain Save A Hoe!!!  But I can’t get you to do anything around where YOU LIVE AND SLEEP AT!!! WT…


  24. 84

    Im going through this–My boyfriends ex is constantly posting in on our conversations and its just not right to me. SHE even messaged me and told me there is no need to be jealous and that she has moved on–Doesn’t look that way to me. I don’t know how much longer I have to put up with this-He gets furious-

    probably because he thinks I don’t trust him. I trust him with my life. I have very low self esteem and in the past have suffered from verbal abuse from exes. This is Y im this way

  25. 85

    Similar situation here. My ex (who I broke up with 6 years ago) is one of my closest friends and has great advice. We talk on the phone probably once or twice a week and hang out maybe a couple times a month.

    I’ve been with my new girlfriend for a little over 2 months. We are mad about each other and talk about the future. New girl and ex have met, the three of us have hung out a few times and they like each other. Ex thinks she is great for me and my daughter.

    My girlfriend and I have great communication and we go to each other first when we have problems. But there have been a couple times she was distant and I felt our relationship was up in the air, so I talked to my ex about it and she helped me see things more clearly, which made me feel a lot better until my girlfriend was ready to talk.

    My girlfriend told me she does not want me sharing our personal business with the ex. She said it’s nothing against the ex but because we had been romantically involved in the past. She has an ex husband and an ex boyfriend and talks to them both weekly, including what’s going on with us. She thinks it’s fine for her to talk to them about our personal business because I haven’t told her I don’t want her to. (I think that’s healthy.) But because she told me she didn’t want me to, she thinks I lack respect for her feelings. I feel like she’s making me choose between her and my closest friend.

  26. 86

    I am a single woman on her late 30s who maintains friendships with all of my ex boyfriends on some level with the exception of two who cheated on me.  Some I talk to weekly others yearly most are my FB friends I do not have this level of relationship with any of them not even the single ones and many I dated for long periods of time.  Evan I appreciate you not wanting to make an outright judgment call here but I will this type of relationship is not appropriate.  I want you to hear this from a single girl who attended an exes wedding last month, went to the bridal shower of another exes fiancé last week and will be going to another’s birthday party tommorrrow.  If I am saying this it is not.  Here is why.  For my exes that are in relationships 80-90% of our hang out time involves their significant other.  And once the relationship gets serious she is my friend as much as he is.  And by no means would I ever see any of these exes single or other wise several times a week or talk to them that much!  AND because I care about my friends if they told me they met a great girl I would know to step back especially in the early stages, why because I’m a female and I know how I would feel.  So the FB stuff, the calling the hanging out would stop immediately.  I would not want to hold my friend back and if I was then I would expect him to tell me I was.  And he needs to cut his mom off.  She wants to have a relationship with this man.  She is not respecting his boundaries and she’s doing it on purpose.  She’s attempting to make an effort to look like she’s trying but it’s a farce.  He’s likely just naive to this as men usually are.  But she’s preventing him from moving on.  I think it’s perfectly acceptable for the gf to say she’s not comfortable with this relationship.  If he leaves then she is better off.  Can she deal with this her whole life?  Cause that’s her other choice.  Maybe her discussion is a wake up call for him.

  27. 87

    I need a little clarification, so is she supposed to stand back and wait until he completely loses interest in his ex?

  28. 88

    I would leave him and give my reason… Matter of fact is, he wont learn until it happens. Let him look for a girl who thinks the mum and the ex’s behaviour is appropriate. Baseless fact is, he probably wont find any.

    How about suggest a bf for the ex? That way she’ll stay away from your man

  29. 89

    Such good advice… Makes me feel better after a whole day of feeling insecure, but not jealous, as my boyfriend is at his ex girlfriend’s place right now. They are still friends and I don’t want to be the kind of girlfriend that breaks off his friendships, no matter who it is.

  30. 90

    Well, I recently got to know a nice guy. We really liked each other and relationship was moving forward pretty quickly but last week we were chatting in front of a tv and he mentioned that he got a dog. Then I asked were is he? If he is in his parents house so he told me with his ex girlfriend. I asked again? And he said yes with his ex and that whenever he calls dog recognises his voice and that he should go to see a dog soon. And he mentioned to me that he and his ex girlfriend is very close friends, he said that they are like sister and brother. I felt like the lightening hit me! And no thank you I don’t want to invest my precious time into some sick ex girlfriend/sister mess. He told me that ghey chat on a phone 2/3times a week. Seriously?? Im sure would be exactly the same family dinners together and etc. because she is sister. So the next day he told me that im jealous type, its like im the one which is not normal…huh …lol

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